Alright, there is finally another meaningful card in MMA this weekend, and the best part of it is that it's on free television (for those who actually have cable). Before we get into the picks, I have to admit that this doesn't look like the most entertaining card on paper, but there are a lot of meaningful fights for guys trying to take the steps towards title contention. Plus, even if a card looks like shit on paper, it still has the chance to produce some awesome fights.
Rob Kimmons vs. Steve Steinbeiss - I honestly don't know much about either of these fighters, but Steinbeiss is only 4-3 overall, so I'll go with Kimmons since he has a better record and has actually won in the UFC. This is most likely a loser gets cut from the UFC match, so that's always exciting. Rob Kimmons by 2nd Round TKO.
Darren Elkins vs. Charles Oliveira - Another fight I don't know shit about outside of their records. Oliveira is undefeated and Elkins has one loss. Still, I think Elkins has faced superior competition, so I'll go with Elkins to win the fight. Darren Elkins by 3rd Round Submission.
Mike Massenzio vs. Brian Stann - Brian Stann is making his debut at middleweight, coming down from light heavyweight where he had mixed results. Massenzio is coming off a 20 month layoff. If Stann can make the weight without any major problems, I think his size will be able to keep the fight standing, and he'll be able to win a decision. Brian Stann by Unanimous Decision.
James Irvin vs. Igor Pokrajac - Irvin wants to keep this fight standing while Igor wants to get this fight to the ground so he can avoid strikes as much as possible. I don't think Pokrajac has shown anything to say that he can take a guy and beat on him for three straight rounds, so eventually, I think Irvin will find his opening and finish the fight. James Irvin by 2nd Round TKO.
DaMarques Johnson vs. Matthew Riddle - After losing The Ultimate Fighter Finale against James Wilks, Johnson has looked far more impressive. His striking has provided a lot of problems for opponents. Still, Riddle is a big guy for the weight class, and I think he'll be able to use his wrestling to grind out Johnson for the win. Matthew Riddle by Unanimous Decision.
Paul Kelly vs. Jacob Volkmann - Paul Kelly is surprising in that he's from England, and you don't automatically hate him. His fights always bring a lot of pace, and he's a fun guy to watch. Volkmann moved down to lightweight in his last fight and won a tough fight against Ronys Torres. I think Volkmann's wrestling will help him control the fight and get him the victory. Jacob Volkmann by Unanimous Decision.
Takanori Gomi vs. Tyson Griffin - Takanori Gomi is a really talented fighter, but his game stopped progressing in 2006. He got outmatched by Kenny Florian in his first fight in the UFC, which isn't a terrible thing, because KenFlo is kind of awesome. Still, I think Tyson Griffin will be able to control this fight, and as long as he doesn't get sucked into a striking war with Gomi, Griffin should be able to cruise to a victory. Tyson Griffin by Unanimous Decision.
John Howard vs. Jake Ellenberger - John Howard is 4-0 in the UFC, and Ellenberger is 1-1. To be fair, Howard has had some friendly matchmaking so far in his UFC career, but that ends when he faces Ellenberger. If Howard keeps the fight standing, it's his to lose, but I think Ellenberger will be able to take him down and ground and pound to a victory. Jake Ellenberger by 2nd Round TKO.
Mark Munoz vs. Yushin Okami - People love Mark Munoz. And really, a Division I National Champion wrestler is always easy to root for and expect big things from. The problem is, he hasn't looked all that impressive in his fights. He did finish Ryan Jensen which was impressive, but he got his ass handed to him by Kendall Grove before turning it around in the second round. He also took a split decision against Nick Catone before those fights. Meanwhile, Okami is a tough dude. He's not flashy, but he's big, strong, and tough to take down. Chael Sonnen said that Okami was the toughest guy he ever fought, and Chael Sonnen doesn't lie. Hence, I got to go with Okami. Yushin Okami by Unanimous Decision.
Jon Jones vs. Vladimir Matyushenko - Matyushenko is a tough guy, but he wasn't able to outwrestle Tito Ortiz when he was in his prime. Now he's about 40 years old. Jon Jones looks like an athletic freak, but apparently he isn't. I'm not sure where I heard this (I think it was Josh Gross from si.com), but Jon Jones can't dunk a basketball. I can't confirm that story, but if he can't, that's awesome. The dude was literally just made to fight, because when he fights, he is a freak of nature. I think he is going to steamroll Matyushenko, and I'll be very curious as to who the UFC puts up against him next, because he's definitely ready for top level competition. Jon Jones by 1st Round TKO.
-Joe
P.S. I haven't had a chance to watch Jersey Shore yet, but don't be surprised to see a rundown of the first episode this weekend or on Monday.
P.P.S. Jose Canseco isn't in a very chipper mood today; apparently somebody just told him that he's not immortal.
JoseCanseco We will all be dead one day
JoseCanseco You won't even know when your dead its like never living,same ass before you where ever born
JoseCanseco How many of you think you will live for ever
I really hope I never have the same ass before I was born.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
When Wrestlers Act: Wrong Side of Town
So I finally got around to watching the movie, Wrong Side of Town, starring RVD with a strong supporting role from Batista. My expectations were not high going into this movie, but it absolutely blew me out of the water. Usually in my movie reviews, I'll give away some of the plot so you don't have to pain yourself by going through the movie. In this movie, I just want to go over some of the highlights so instead of drinking this weekend, you can find yourself having a raucous good time on The Wrong Side of Town.
:07 - We start with a sexy lady in the pool, and flash to a worker who is about use a chainsaw and some tree stump. Oh, but that’s not any old random worker, that’s RVD, Rob Van Dam. The chainsaw isn’t working, no big deal, RVD karate chops the wood. Hell yes he does.
:07 - Oh no, sexy pool lady has somehow drowned. RVD to the rescue, he gets her to safety…and what’s this? She was just messin; she had to practice for her drama class. Either way, Mom is grounding her for a month. RVD is bummed, but manages to talk Mom down to two weeks.
:08 - Just realized that RVD wasn’t a random worker, but is actually her father. RVD playing the role of Dad has me incredibly excited.
:09 - Now the neighbor just came by to ask for a hammer, and RVD told him he could help him with that, if he had a driver’s license and major credit card. Then he did this pose:
He looks mean, but he’s just kidding. The neighbor sure was nervous.
:09 – We learn that RVD hates the city, probably because he can never stay on the right side of town.
:10 – I know I’m only ten minutes in, but everything RVD says makes me laugh. This may be one of the greatest movies ever made.
:12 – The neighbor is a club owner’s lawyer. He tries to high-five the club owner, but he has none of it. The club owner does offer to comp their meal. The neighbor is pumped about the free meal, RVD is apprehensive and says that you always end up paying in the long run, could this be foreshadowing? I think so.
:17 – I can’t properly explain how awesome everything RVD says is. The neighbor’s wife came back without his wife, and he asked, “Where’s Dawn?” If I would have been drinking anything at that moment, it would have been spit on my computer.
:18 – RVD just killed a dude, his response, “He had it coming.” There is no such thing as remorse in the world of RVD.
:36 – RVD is about to trick people hired to kidnap him into thinking there are diamonds in his sock. This is awesome.
:37 – Just had this exchange:
Neighbor: Where did you learn to fight like that?
RVD: I watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies.
:39 – Turns out it wasn’t Jackie Chan movies where he learned to fight, it was in the special forces.
:43 – RVD is surrounded by bad guys, and they send in their big enforcer, MABEL! Hell yes.
:46 – RVD says he needs to call in an old debt. Who does he meet? BATISTA!
:47 – Some stripper just implied RVD was gay, apparently she can’t recognize a testosterone-fueled badass when she sees one.
:49 – So this movie just had the scene from Team America where the one guy tries to outact Alec Baldwin, except RVD and Batista just did the opposite.
:55 – Batista is having a conversation with a dead guy, it’s brilliant.
1:02 – What do all badasses need?
Badass Shades and...
A Badass Bike Helmet.
1:14 – Just imagine this sneaking up on you in real life.
1:16 – They are now playing slap hands during a knife fight.
And with that, I'm sure you are confused about what actually happens in this movie. All this movie involves is great acting, awesome action scenes, great acting, awesome RVD moments, and great acting. This movie was so manly that I had to manscape both before and after this movie. Still I HIGHLY recommend the movie Wrong Side of Town.
-Joe
P.S. If you want to watch a really crappy movie that will make you think and stuff, watch Inception, talk about a snoozer.
P.P.S. I haven't even seen that movie, but I probably just gave half of my readers a heart attack because everyone seems to think it's the greatest thing ever. Apparently those people never saw No Holds Barred.
:07 - We start with a sexy lady in the pool, and flash to a worker who is about use a chainsaw and some tree stump. Oh, but that’s not any old random worker, that’s RVD, Rob Van Dam. The chainsaw isn’t working, no big deal, RVD karate chops the wood. Hell yes he does.
:07 - Oh no, sexy pool lady has somehow drowned. RVD to the rescue, he gets her to safety…and what’s this? She was just messin; she had to practice for her drama class. Either way, Mom is grounding her for a month. RVD is bummed, but manages to talk Mom down to two weeks.
:08 - Just realized that RVD wasn’t a random worker, but is actually her father. RVD playing the role of Dad has me incredibly excited.
:09 - Now the neighbor just came by to ask for a hammer, and RVD told him he could help him with that, if he had a driver’s license and major credit card. Then he did this pose:
He looks mean, but he’s just kidding. The neighbor sure was nervous.:09 – We learn that RVD hates the city, probably because he can never stay on the right side of town.
:10 – I know I’m only ten minutes in, but everything RVD says makes me laugh. This may be one of the greatest movies ever made.
:12 – The neighbor is a club owner’s lawyer. He tries to high-five the club owner, but he has none of it. The club owner does offer to comp their meal. The neighbor is pumped about the free meal, RVD is apprehensive and says that you always end up paying in the long run, could this be foreshadowing? I think so.
:17 – I can’t properly explain how awesome everything RVD says is. The neighbor’s wife came back without his wife, and he asked, “Where’s Dawn?” If I would have been drinking anything at that moment, it would have been spit on my computer.
:18 – RVD just killed a dude, his response, “He had it coming.” There is no such thing as remorse in the world of RVD.
:36 – RVD is about to trick people hired to kidnap him into thinking there are diamonds in his sock. This is awesome.
:37 – Just had this exchange:
Neighbor: Where did you learn to fight like that?
RVD: I watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies.
:39 – Turns out it wasn’t Jackie Chan movies where he learned to fight, it was in the special forces.
:43 – RVD is surrounded by bad guys, and they send in their big enforcer, MABEL! Hell yes.
:46 – RVD says he needs to call in an old debt. Who does he meet? BATISTA!
:47 – Some stripper just implied RVD was gay, apparently she can’t recognize a testosterone-fueled badass when she sees one.
:49 – So this movie just had the scene from Team America where the one guy tries to outact Alec Baldwin, except RVD and Batista just did the opposite.
:55 – Batista is having a conversation with a dead guy, it’s brilliant.
1:02 – What do all badasses need?
Badass Shades and...
A Badass Bike Helmet.1:14 – Just imagine this sneaking up on you in real life.
1:16 – They are now playing slap hands during a knife fight.
And with that, I'm sure you are confused about what actually happens in this movie. All this movie involves is great acting, awesome action scenes, great acting, awesome RVD moments, and great acting. This movie was so manly that I had to manscape both before and after this movie. Still I HIGHLY recommend the movie Wrong Side of Town.
-Joe
P.S. If you want to watch a really crappy movie that will make you think and stuff, watch Inception, talk about a snoozer.
P.P.S. I haven't even seen that movie, but I probably just gave half of my readers a heart attack because everyone seems to think it's the greatest thing ever. Apparently those people never saw No Holds Barred.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I Am Not Classy
This may come as a shock to many of you, but I am not a classy person. I think many people see my dashing good-looks and assume that I am classy, but that is not the case. Now, I certainly wouldn't consider myself white trash, but I am closer to that than I am to being classy. Let's look at the disturbing evidence.
I don't have nice stuff, I have shit that gets me by. A lot of my friends have fancy sports cars, but I don't really need that. Mostly because I'm far more interested in gas mileage than cool points. I have a 1998 Ford Escort. Outside of mysteriously losing coolant and air in one of the tires, it's an amazing vehicle. Yes, it would never win a race against my old T-Racer (actually it probably could since that car is probably sitting in some junkyard right now), but it is efficient and it has traveled across the country with no problems.
A lot of my friends have fancy sunglasses that cost hundreds of dollars. One of them even has a pair that's so fancy that I thought they were made for a lady. When I told him this, he did not take it a compliment, but I don't know anything about fashion, my best shirts say Giant Sunflower Seeds on them. I don't even own a pair of sunglasses, and I don't think I have for the last ten years.
And there's always my bed to talk about. Being in my mid-20s, some would say it's time to get a real bed, but not me, my air mattress is just fine. And if it pops, I just have to stop by Bed, Bath, & Beyond and exchange it for a new one. I've been in Albuquerque for less than three months, and I've already had two beds.
For entertainment, my house has no cable which I am surprised at how little it has affected me. A lot of people have fancy televisions and gaming systems. I have a PS2 that I haven't bought a game for in probably five years. But I do get to play it on my fancy twenty inch Samsung that I have had for nearly fourteen years.
I stopped purchasing books as I just get them from the library right now. Davenport had a surprisingly classy library, but Albuquerque's more fits my classless lifestyle. Still, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to handle reading the latest book that I got, because it has a really funky smell that makes me gag while reading it. Just one of those fun quirks of getting books where homeless people hang out.
I have one go-to pair of jeans and one go-to pair of khaki shorts, I have no idea the last time that either of them were washed.
I not only drink, but prefer Natural Light to other beers.
I also pretend to be a janitor while on the dance floor.
Another thing people do in their mid-20s is find employment. Not me, I'm able to live the unemployment dream because of my lack of classiness. Some would be shamed by living with their parents for two years. Not me. Plus, I always had the excuse that I needed to get home before the street lights come on in case ladies tried to seduce me by feeding me alcohol. Better luck next time ladies.
When it comes to possessions, the only things that I can really use to impress the ladies is an extensive collection of Starting Lineups and Pro Wrestling Action Figures. Wait, girls aren't impressed by those things? Shit. Well, apparently, I have no material possessions that will impress the ladies, I guess I'll just have to use the old fallback of looks and personality. I may not be classy, but at least I'm pretty.
-Joe
P.S. If someone asks you to come over for a JO session, just say no, and run for the hills.
I don't have nice stuff, I have shit that gets me by. A lot of my friends have fancy sports cars, but I don't really need that. Mostly because I'm far more interested in gas mileage than cool points. I have a 1998 Ford Escort. Outside of mysteriously losing coolant and air in one of the tires, it's an amazing vehicle. Yes, it would never win a race against my old T-Racer (actually it probably could since that car is probably sitting in some junkyard right now), but it is efficient and it has traveled across the country with no problems.
A lot of my friends have fancy sunglasses that cost hundreds of dollars. One of them even has a pair that's so fancy that I thought they were made for a lady. When I told him this, he did not take it a compliment, but I don't know anything about fashion, my best shirts say Giant Sunflower Seeds on them. I don't even own a pair of sunglasses, and I don't think I have for the last ten years.
And there's always my bed to talk about. Being in my mid-20s, some would say it's time to get a real bed, but not me, my air mattress is just fine. And if it pops, I just have to stop by Bed, Bath, & Beyond and exchange it for a new one. I've been in Albuquerque for less than three months, and I've already had two beds.
For entertainment, my house has no cable which I am surprised at how little it has affected me. A lot of people have fancy televisions and gaming systems. I have a PS2 that I haven't bought a game for in probably five years. But I do get to play it on my fancy twenty inch Samsung that I have had for nearly fourteen years.
I stopped purchasing books as I just get them from the library right now. Davenport had a surprisingly classy library, but Albuquerque's more fits my classless lifestyle. Still, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to handle reading the latest book that I got, because it has a really funky smell that makes me gag while reading it. Just one of those fun quirks of getting books where homeless people hang out.
I have one go-to pair of jeans and one go-to pair of khaki shorts, I have no idea the last time that either of them were washed.
I not only drink, but prefer Natural Light to other beers.
I also pretend to be a janitor while on the dance floor.
Another thing people do in their mid-20s is find employment. Not me, I'm able to live the unemployment dream because of my lack of classiness. Some would be shamed by living with their parents for two years. Not me. Plus, I always had the excuse that I needed to get home before the street lights come on in case ladies tried to seduce me by feeding me alcohol. Better luck next time ladies.
When it comes to possessions, the only things that I can really use to impress the ladies is an extensive collection of Starting Lineups and Pro Wrestling Action Figures. Wait, girls aren't impressed by those things? Shit. Well, apparently, I have no material possessions that will impress the ladies, I guess I'll just have to use the old fallback of looks and personality. I may not be classy, but at least I'm pretty.
-Joe
P.S. If someone asks you to come over for a JO session, just say no, and run for the hills.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Sports Radio: The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful
Now that I have a radio in my car, I have began listening to a lot of sports radio when I'm on the road. For the most part, the times that I'm in the car, I can usually enjoy what's going down. But there are times that it sucks. But then there are also times where I don't want to leave my car, because it's such compelling radio. Let's go over all three.
The Good - The Scott Van Pelt show is actually a really good show. Both Van Pelt and co-host Ryen Russillo do something that is very rare for people involved with ESPN, and they actually admit when they are wrong. It's really not that difficult of a thing to do, and for me, it increases credibility as opposed to the more famous ass clowns on ESPN who just spew a bunch of garbage. They pick interesting topics and actually have intelligent debates about them. If you like ESPN on television, you probably won't like these guys.
The Bad - Mike & Mike just keeps getting more and more brutal. They really focus on the emotions of the sports world which makes it seem like I'm listening to two chicks talk about things. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a debate about who had the best ass in major league baseball. They're not quite on the level of Bayless or Paige, but that's not exactly a feather in their cap. They still suck.
The Beautiful - This is entirely premature since I just listened to them for the first time last night, but the local guys for Albuquerque Sports Radio are beautiful. How were they able to make such an impact on me in such a short period of time? They waxed poetically about a certain someone that is near and dear to my heart...
Oh yes! They LOVE Steve Alford, and I love them for that. I'm not sure if the haters heard the news, but Steve Alford got a decent pay bump along with an extension that will take him through 2020. I nearly called in to tell them that this was the greatest use of money since the Yankees bought Babe Ruth, but these radio guys were already waxing poetically about the greatness of Steve so my comments would have just been overkill. The highlights for me were when they went back to Selection Sunday where CBS sent a camera crew to The Pit to catch the reaction of the Lobos basketball team and their fans. Since I was driving, I wasn't able to get their exact words, but they basically spoke as if Steve sat in the middle as a ray of light guiding the players and fans to the promised land. They then compared their basketball program to Gonzaga's as they see themselves as a consistent powerhouse from a small conference. They believe this, because they truly believe that they have the best coach in college basketball. If I called in and told them I heard a rumor that Pat Riley wanted to fire Erik Spoelstra and hire Steve Alford as the Heat's new coach but Alford turned them down, they wouldn't think that was an outrageous rumor, they'd just credit Steve Alford's integrity and dedication to making New Mexico the best basketball program in the nation. If they love him this much during the offseason, I cannot wait until they actually start playing games. Let the good times (and good hair) roll.
-Joe
P.S. You should really read this entire rundown of North Carolina Defensive Tackle, Marvin Austin's, twitter account. For just a preview, here is a picture he posted to show his shooting prowess:
It was accompanied with this message: Hit da bullseye twice…I think I should join the .u.s rangers..oh but I shot a hostage too…opps
Opps indeed.
P.P.S. Not sure if people have watched Children's Hospital on Adult Swim, but it's awesome and this video is absolutely amazing.
The Good - The Scott Van Pelt show is actually a really good show. Both Van Pelt and co-host Ryen Russillo do something that is very rare for people involved with ESPN, and they actually admit when they are wrong. It's really not that difficult of a thing to do, and for me, it increases credibility as opposed to the more famous ass clowns on ESPN who just spew a bunch of garbage. They pick interesting topics and actually have intelligent debates about them. If you like ESPN on television, you probably won't like these guys.
The Bad - Mike & Mike just keeps getting more and more brutal. They really focus on the emotions of the sports world which makes it seem like I'm listening to two chicks talk about things. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a debate about who had the best ass in major league baseball. They're not quite on the level of Bayless or Paige, but that's not exactly a feather in their cap. They still suck.
The Beautiful - This is entirely premature since I just listened to them for the first time last night, but the local guys for Albuquerque Sports Radio are beautiful. How were they able to make such an impact on me in such a short period of time? They waxed poetically about a certain someone that is near and dear to my heart...
Oh yes! They LOVE Steve Alford, and I love them for that. I'm not sure if the haters heard the news, but Steve Alford got a decent pay bump along with an extension that will take him through 2020. I nearly called in to tell them that this was the greatest use of money since the Yankees bought Babe Ruth, but these radio guys were already waxing poetically about the greatness of Steve so my comments would have just been overkill. The highlights for me were when they went back to Selection Sunday where CBS sent a camera crew to The Pit to catch the reaction of the Lobos basketball team and their fans. Since I was driving, I wasn't able to get their exact words, but they basically spoke as if Steve sat in the middle as a ray of light guiding the players and fans to the promised land. They then compared their basketball program to Gonzaga's as they see themselves as a consistent powerhouse from a small conference. They believe this, because they truly believe that they have the best coach in college basketball. If I called in and told them I heard a rumor that Pat Riley wanted to fire Erik Spoelstra and hire Steve Alford as the Heat's new coach but Alford turned them down, they wouldn't think that was an outrageous rumor, they'd just credit Steve Alford's integrity and dedication to making New Mexico the best basketball program in the nation. If they love him this much during the offseason, I cannot wait until they actually start playing games. Let the good times (and good hair) roll.-Joe
P.S. You should really read this entire rundown of North Carolina Defensive Tackle, Marvin Austin's, twitter account. For just a preview, here is a picture he posted to show his shooting prowess:
It was accompanied with this message: Hit da bullseye twice…I think I should join the .u.s rangers..oh but I shot a hostage too…opps
Opps indeed.
P.P.S. Not sure if people have watched Children's Hospital on Adult Swim, but it's awesome and this video is absolutely amazing.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Quick Thoughts
Obviously, I love how much everybody has been bringing up Bash at the Beach in regards to LeBron James, but this video takes it to a whole new level:
I caught the end of the ESPYS last night, and it's amazing how big a made up award can become. The beauty of it is that all awards are made up, but something seems incredibly fake about ESPYS. I put it on the same level as Guys' Choice Award. Maybe I should just join in and create an award blogpost called the JOEYS. I'm sure there would be a highly contested battle for Best West Coast Dancer.
When I thought the Bulls were going to be the big winners of free agency, I outlined a comparison between the Bulls team and characters from Saved By The Bell. It was awesome and the parallels were amazing. Now that outline pretty much ends up in the trash, unless we get JJ Redick, in which case I will stretch it to make it work or come up with a new show to compare the players to.
I have been unemployed for over eight months, and my current dream job is to be a garbage man. I wonder if any 8-year olds out there think that I have their ideal life.
If you're a fan of great comedy, this is the greatest thing that Borat has ever done. It's been a while since I watched it, but it's still as good as ever. Just please don't start quoting him again.
For those fans of Jose Canseco who don't follow him on Twitter, nothing too interesting has been happening. The biggest thing is that he lost to a 60-year old man in a boxing match, so now he will daily challenge all of his followers to fight him on "his show." I think somebody told him once that he should make a TV show, and now he thinks he has a development deal in place.
The last episode of Entourage was maybe the most painful episode to watch in the history of the show, and that's saying quite a bit considering how far that show has fallen. Not only was it incredibly boring, but everything remotely related to the NFL storyline was so brutal to watch that it made the conditions at Guantanamo Bay look like Disneyland.
-Joe
P.S. I am deeply contemplating making my first video game purchase in three years. Is NCAA Football worth the $40? Also, is the gameplay similar to Madden? And yes, I said $40, because my newest game system is still the PS2.
I caught the end of the ESPYS last night, and it's amazing how big a made up award can become. The beauty of it is that all awards are made up, but something seems incredibly fake about ESPYS. I put it on the same level as Guys' Choice Award. Maybe I should just join in and create an award blogpost called the JOEYS. I'm sure there would be a highly contested battle for Best West Coast Dancer.
When I thought the Bulls were going to be the big winners of free agency, I outlined a comparison between the Bulls team and characters from Saved By The Bell. It was awesome and the parallels were amazing. Now that outline pretty much ends up in the trash, unless we get JJ Redick, in which case I will stretch it to make it work or come up with a new show to compare the players to.
I have been unemployed for over eight months, and my current dream job is to be a garbage man. I wonder if any 8-year olds out there think that I have their ideal life.
If you're a fan of great comedy, this is the greatest thing that Borat has ever done. It's been a while since I watched it, but it's still as good as ever. Just please don't start quoting him again.
For those fans of Jose Canseco who don't follow him on Twitter, nothing too interesting has been happening. The biggest thing is that he lost to a 60-year old man in a boxing match, so now he will daily challenge all of his followers to fight him on "his show." I think somebody told him once that he should make a TV show, and now he thinks he has a development deal in place.
The last episode of Entourage was maybe the most painful episode to watch in the history of the show, and that's saying quite a bit considering how far that show has fallen. Not only was it incredibly boring, but everything remotely related to the NFL storyline was so brutal to watch that it made the conditions at Guantanamo Bay look like Disneyland.
-Joe
P.S. I am deeply contemplating making my first video game purchase in three years. Is NCAA Football worth the $40? Also, is the gameplay similar to Madden? And yes, I said $40, because my newest game system is still the PS2.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Dream Job
Anybody remember that show Dream Job on ESPN? That was a pretty cool show, and I tried out for it twice. The second year they had me in for a second interview after I completely dominated the debate part and followed it up by killing it on their 30 page questionnaire. Then they never had the season that I tried out for. That was a random tangent that has very little to do with what I am going to talk about today and that is my current dream job.
My current dream job is to become a garbage man. Currently, I have friends who work at the dump, but they aren't living the glamorous lifestyle that I would lead if I were a garbage man. First off, I would take everything back about twenty years. I don't want to be called a sanitation worker, and I also don't want a robotic claw to pick up the trash. I would also prefer that my neighborhood would have those classic metal garbage cans that they still use in wrestling matches.
For my attire, you better believe I wouldn't be wearing a shirt when I was working. I'd also probably compliment it with work boots and jean shorts, cutoffs of course. Looking at me normally seems like the epitome of badass, but me out in the blazing sun throwing garbage in the back of the truck shirtless would be sextasy for the ladies.
Next up, we would be in a rich neighborhood with great weather year round (that way, I'd never have to wear a shirt). Can you imagine what those housewives would do if they saw me and my boys throwing trash in the back of the truck and high-fiving like there's no tomorrow? I'd tell you what they'd do, they'd offer for us to come inside. They would say it was just to get us some lemonade since it's so hot out there, but I have a strong feeling that me in nothing but jean shorts and work boots would lead to too much sexual tension for them to resist.
Now sure, there would be those sticky situations where the husbands come home and come across the garbage man sans jean shorts and might get a little jealous. But then they'd realize that I was the garbage man, and they'd be cool with it. I imagine some of them would want to quit their high-paying Hollywood agent gig to join the crew. I'd tell him to start working on those abs and maybe we would consider him. After I put on my jean shorts, he'd probably high-five me too, because everybody loves the garbage man.
After that, I would meet up with my crew where we'd laugh about our sexual conquests. I'd hop on the back on the garbage truck as we rode into the sunset. Just another day in the life of the garbage man.
So yeah, that's my dream job.
-Joe
P.S. We'd probably eat something like this every day just to prove our manliness.
My current dream job is to become a garbage man. Currently, I have friends who work at the dump, but they aren't living the glamorous lifestyle that I would lead if I were a garbage man. First off, I would take everything back about twenty years. I don't want to be called a sanitation worker, and I also don't want a robotic claw to pick up the trash. I would also prefer that my neighborhood would have those classic metal garbage cans that they still use in wrestling matches.
For my attire, you better believe I wouldn't be wearing a shirt when I was working. I'd also probably compliment it with work boots and jean shorts, cutoffs of course. Looking at me normally seems like the epitome of badass, but me out in the blazing sun throwing garbage in the back of the truck shirtless would be sextasy for the ladies.
Next up, we would be in a rich neighborhood with great weather year round (that way, I'd never have to wear a shirt). Can you imagine what those housewives would do if they saw me and my boys throwing trash in the back of the truck and high-fiving like there's no tomorrow? I'd tell you what they'd do, they'd offer for us to come inside. They would say it was just to get us some lemonade since it's so hot out there, but I have a strong feeling that me in nothing but jean shorts and work boots would lead to too much sexual tension for them to resist.
Now sure, there would be those sticky situations where the husbands come home and come across the garbage man sans jean shorts and might get a little jealous. But then they'd realize that I was the garbage man, and they'd be cool with it. I imagine some of them would want to quit their high-paying Hollywood agent gig to join the crew. I'd tell him to start working on those abs and maybe we would consider him. After I put on my jean shorts, he'd probably high-five me too, because everybody loves the garbage man.
After that, I would meet up with my crew where we'd laugh about our sexual conquests. I'd hop on the back on the garbage truck as we rode into the sunset. Just another day in the life of the garbage man.
So yeah, that's my dream job.
-Joe
P.S. We'd probably eat something like this every day just to prove our manliness.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Video Breakdown: Booker T and Goldust at 7-11
By popular demand, I have decided to break down a classic wrestling video of Booker T going to a 7-11 and running into Goldust. Just so everybody is on the same page, let's first take a look at the video:
As you can tell after watching the video, it's awesome. But just calling it awesome and leaving it at that would not be much of a blog post, so let's dig a little deeper.
Booker T immediately is psyched to be in a 7-11. He does the logical thing, and asks the nearest person with a mullet if he saw a giant gold freak walking around there.
Unfortunately, Booker T forgot to think about elaborate disguises. This will come into play later. Booker T then lets him know that he needs to "get his good luck, pre-ritual slurpee on."
He then asks these kids if they're looking for Booker T cups, but assures them that he will get them some later. He then sends those kids away, because he cannot be distracted when getting his slurpee on. Just in case you were wondering, Booker T prefers the blue slurpee' it's tough to argue with that choice. Booker T then sees something that irritates him:
Booker T lets cardboard RVD know that he is going to kick his punk ass, but then tells him, "Don't be scared" because cardboard RVD practically shit himself when Booker T got up in his grill.
Booker T enjoys some of his slurpee, and then asks a random Latrell Sprewell fan if he's in line.
But that's not any old Latrell Sprewell fan, it's actually...
GOLDUST! I did not see that one coming at all. It surprises me each and every time I watch this video. Booker T is pissed, but Goldust quickly apologizes for his elaborate disguise, hoping to smooth things over. Goldust is heartbroken over the fact that Booker will be teaming up with Eddy Guerrero instead of him that night. No confirmation on this, but Goldust may have slowly poisoned Guerrero causing his heart to stop just a few years later.
We then learn that Goldust is a creep, and Booker T does not like creeps. Goldust sways Booker by reminding him that they are undefeated as a team, because of their strong psychological bond. Booker T calms down a little bit, but he needs to get going. Before he does, Goldust has a proposition for him: For a drink of his slurpee, Goldust will give him a bite of his weiner. This is Booker T's reaction:
Booker T then storms out of the 7-11. Goldust eats his hot dog with no slurpee, and JR insists that Goldust is crazier than a pet coon. I couldn't have said it better myself. And that explains the brilliance of Booker T and Goldust at 7-11.
-Joe
P.S. I'm going to be on a plane when LeBron makes his announcement tonight, so feel free to text me whatever his decision is. Also, San Diegans, prepare yourselves, because West Coast Dance may rock you like a hurricane this weekend.
As you can tell after watching the video, it's awesome. But just calling it awesome and leaving it at that would not be much of a blog post, so let's dig a little deeper.
Booker T immediately is psyched to be in a 7-11. He does the logical thing, and asks the nearest person with a mullet if he saw a giant gold freak walking around there.
Unfortunately, Booker T forgot to think about elaborate disguises. This will come into play later. Booker T then lets him know that he needs to "get his good luck, pre-ritual slurpee on."
He then asks these kids if they're looking for Booker T cups, but assures them that he will get them some later. He then sends those kids away, because he cannot be distracted when getting his slurpee on. Just in case you were wondering, Booker T prefers the blue slurpee' it's tough to argue with that choice. Booker T then sees something that irritates him:
Booker T lets cardboard RVD know that he is going to kick his punk ass, but then tells him, "Don't be scared" because cardboard RVD practically shit himself when Booker T got up in his grill.
Booker T enjoys some of his slurpee, and then asks a random Latrell Sprewell fan if he's in line.
But that's not any old Latrell Sprewell fan, it's actually...
GOLDUST! I did not see that one coming at all. It surprises me each and every time I watch this video. Booker T is pissed, but Goldust quickly apologizes for his elaborate disguise, hoping to smooth things over. Goldust is heartbroken over the fact that Booker will be teaming up with Eddy Guerrero instead of him that night. No confirmation on this, but Goldust may have slowly poisoned Guerrero causing his heart to stop just a few years later.
We then learn that Goldust is a creep, and Booker T does not like creeps. Goldust sways Booker by reminding him that they are undefeated as a team, because of their strong psychological bond. Booker T calms down a little bit, but he needs to get going. Before he does, Goldust has a proposition for him: For a drink of his slurpee, Goldust will give him a bite of his weiner. This is Booker T's reaction:
Booker T then storms out of the 7-11. Goldust eats his hot dog with no slurpee, and JR insists that Goldust is crazier than a pet coon. I couldn't have said it better myself. And that explains the brilliance of Booker T and Goldust at 7-11.
-Joe
P.S. I'm going to be on a plane when LeBron makes his announcement tonight, so feel free to text me whatever his decision is. Also, San Diegans, prepare yourselves, because West Coast Dance may rock you like a hurricane this weekend.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I Should Be A Wedding Planner
Being unemployed gives me a lot of time for brainstorming. Through these brainstorming sessions, I come up with some awesome ideas. My latest ideas are to improve everything about weddings. Weddings are a great time, you get drunk, party hard, and who knows where the night will end up? But there are many flaws with weddings and the receptions that follow. I will fix just about everything with the following ideas:
1. Wedding Attire - The suits and extravagant wedding dresses are so 1800s. You're not a debutante, so it's time to start breaking into the 21st Century. This is your special day, so you should make it as enjoyable as possible. What's more enjoyable than being comfortable? Nothing. That is why I propose that the groom wears gym shorts and a clean t-shirt (we're not going to allow people to be slobs), and brides can wear booty shorts and a tank top. I would prefer a pair of custom made booty shorts where instead of saying "Juicy" on the ass, it could say "Bride", "Taken", or "Official Bottom Bitch". I haven't decided what the bridesmaids should wear, but I think matching wife beaters for the groomsmen would add a level of class to the ceremony.
2. Decorations - There are so many flowers at weddings. You know what flowers do? They die. That's depressing a giant waste of cash. So I'm getting rid of all the flowers. Now, on a completely unrelated note (or is it?), do you ever get hungry during weddings? I know I sure do. So how can we come up with one solution for two problems? Boom, we decorate with food. Edible arrangements always does a nice job, but really, all you have to do is put different colored fruit together, and it will look nice. Plus, the fruit isn't going to die. It's going to be eaten. Once the bride walks down the aisle, those decorations are fair game for anyone to eat. You bet your ass I'm showing up on time to a wedding to make sure that I'm seated next to the most delicious edible decorations at the ceremony. Chocolate covered strawberries, delicious and nutritious (kind of).
3. Food - Honestly, wedding food is usually awesome. I have had some fantastic food, and there's really no need to mess with it. But with the addition of t-shirts instead of suits, ribs now become a much more viable option, just something to think about.
4. Wedding Cake - Wedding cake is way too fancy. Red velvet, buttercream, mocha? What the hell is that? There is no need to be fancy when you could simply be effective, and what cake does everyone love? Funfetti. From the holiest saints to the filthiest of scumbags, everybody loves funfetti. Why anyone would try to separate from this basic truth is beyond my comprehension.
5. Dance Floor - Everybody always feels awkward when they're the first people starting off the dancing at a wedding, so to help change that, we put the dance floor away from everything and make it pitch black where it is. There will probably be some strobes going on, and definitely a smoke machine, but wedding dance floors really need to be more like a shitty dance club. Sure, you might grind on grandma, but at least nobody will be able to tell it was you who accidentally elbowed a girl in the face while you were busting out your awesome karate moves.
6. Garter/Bouquet Toss - This may be my best idea, but I figured I would save my most awesome idea for the end. I don't know how the ladies feel about catching a bouquet, but it's pretty worthless. As a guy, I know that I have no interest in trying to catch a garter. I think it's more of a detriment. What? Am I going to be the asshole who puts it around my head? No, as I have stated many times, I'm classy. So for the ladies, we throw out...(realizes he knows nothing about women)...Twilight DVDs? Plus, even after they make like five of those movies, your max investment is $50. The ladies will be clawing at each other's hair to have Edwin, Roscoe, and Jameer (I'm not sure what their names are, but Edwin sounds right, and Jameer is probably the second best name for a black vampire, next to Blade) on DVD. Guys, don't worry about that stupid garter anymore, because instead, we'll have the groom throw out a $250 Best Buy gift card. There will be blood as people go for that thing which will honestly just bring even more excitement to the wedding.
7. Centerpieces - This idea is so brilliant, it hurts...hurts so good that is. Centerpieces really range from different glassy type deals to flowery type deals to sparkly type deals, and they all suck. Now imagine, sitting at your table, and coming across this beauty in the middle:
But it gets better, because we are definitely doing a whiskey chugging contest as the first table who can finish off their bottle (we could possibly go to two bottles if you want people to get really messed up) gets free open bar the rest of the night while the rest of the party just has the kegs to drink from. This prize really isn't all that great, but the fact that the winning table is known as winners the rest of the night will certainly help their chances with the ladies.
Also, with everybody starting the night off chugging whiskey, the party is sure to be off the chain, and that dance floor will be hoppin.
These ideas are just the tip of the iceberg as I have many more ideas floating around in my head. Feel free to contact me via Facebook or e-mail me at papalishus@hotmail.com if you would like me to plan your wedding.
-Joe
P.S. I was driving around the ABQ this weekend and have some bad news for my fans in Florida. If you were looking to get the customized license plate "Kegel", sorry, it's been taken.
1. Wedding Attire - The suits and extravagant wedding dresses are so 1800s. You're not a debutante, so it's time to start breaking into the 21st Century. This is your special day, so you should make it as enjoyable as possible. What's more enjoyable than being comfortable? Nothing. That is why I propose that the groom wears gym shorts and a clean t-shirt (we're not going to allow people to be slobs), and brides can wear booty shorts and a tank top. I would prefer a pair of custom made booty shorts where instead of saying "Juicy" on the ass, it could say "Bride", "Taken", or "Official Bottom Bitch". I haven't decided what the bridesmaids should wear, but I think matching wife beaters for the groomsmen would add a level of class to the ceremony.
2. Decorations - There are so many flowers at weddings. You know what flowers do? They die. That's depressing a giant waste of cash. So I'm getting rid of all the flowers. Now, on a completely unrelated note (or is it?), do you ever get hungry during weddings? I know I sure do. So how can we come up with one solution for two problems? Boom, we decorate with food. Edible arrangements always does a nice job, but really, all you have to do is put different colored fruit together, and it will look nice. Plus, the fruit isn't going to die. It's going to be eaten. Once the bride walks down the aisle, those decorations are fair game for anyone to eat. You bet your ass I'm showing up on time to a wedding to make sure that I'm seated next to the most delicious edible decorations at the ceremony. Chocolate covered strawberries, delicious and nutritious (kind of).
3. Food - Honestly, wedding food is usually awesome. I have had some fantastic food, and there's really no need to mess with it. But with the addition of t-shirts instead of suits, ribs now become a much more viable option, just something to think about.
4. Wedding Cake - Wedding cake is way too fancy. Red velvet, buttercream, mocha? What the hell is that? There is no need to be fancy when you could simply be effective, and what cake does everyone love? Funfetti. From the holiest saints to the filthiest of scumbags, everybody loves funfetti. Why anyone would try to separate from this basic truth is beyond my comprehension.
5. Dance Floor - Everybody always feels awkward when they're the first people starting off the dancing at a wedding, so to help change that, we put the dance floor away from everything and make it pitch black where it is. There will probably be some strobes going on, and definitely a smoke machine, but wedding dance floors really need to be more like a shitty dance club. Sure, you might grind on grandma, but at least nobody will be able to tell it was you who accidentally elbowed a girl in the face while you were busting out your awesome karate moves.
6. Garter/Bouquet Toss - This may be my best idea, but I figured I would save my most awesome idea for the end. I don't know how the ladies feel about catching a bouquet, but it's pretty worthless. As a guy, I know that I have no interest in trying to catch a garter. I think it's more of a detriment. What? Am I going to be the asshole who puts it around my head? No, as I have stated many times, I'm classy. So for the ladies, we throw out...(realizes he knows nothing about women)...Twilight DVDs? Plus, even after they make like five of those movies, your max investment is $50. The ladies will be clawing at each other's hair to have Edwin, Roscoe, and Jameer (I'm not sure what their names are, but Edwin sounds right, and Jameer is probably the second best name for a black vampire, next to Blade) on DVD. Guys, don't worry about that stupid garter anymore, because instead, we'll have the groom throw out a $250 Best Buy gift card. There will be blood as people go for that thing which will honestly just bring even more excitement to the wedding.
7. Centerpieces - This idea is so brilliant, it hurts...hurts so good that is. Centerpieces really range from different glassy type deals to flowery type deals to sparkly type deals, and they all suck. Now imagine, sitting at your table, and coming across this beauty in the middle:
But it gets better, because we are definitely doing a whiskey chugging contest as the first table who can finish off their bottle (we could possibly go to two bottles if you want people to get really messed up) gets free open bar the rest of the night while the rest of the party just has the kegs to drink from. This prize really isn't all that great, but the fact that the winning table is known as winners the rest of the night will certainly help their chances with the ladies.Also, with everybody starting the night off chugging whiskey, the party is sure to be off the chain, and that dance floor will be hoppin.
These ideas are just the tip of the iceberg as I have many more ideas floating around in my head. Feel free to contact me via Facebook or e-mail me at papalishus@hotmail.com if you would like me to plan your wedding.
-Joe
P.S. I was driving around the ABQ this weekend and have some bad news for my fans in Florida. If you were looking to get the customized license plate "Kegel", sorry, it's been taken.
Friday, July 2, 2010
UFC 116 Picks
Well, I have decided to post my picks for UFC 116. Since there are a lot of toss-up fights on this card, maybe I can finally get some luck. Let's go to the fights:
Karlos Vemola vs. Jon Madsen - A fight between two undefeated fighters. Madsen was on the Ultimate Fighter, which means he's kind of already been defeated since he didn't win the show. Vemola looks a lot meaner, so it's probably best to go with him. Vemola by TKO.
Forrest Petz vs. Daniel Roberts - Forrest Petz has been around forever, and he's back in the UFC after a dominating performance at Moosin: God of War (the fantastic MMA card that put Mariusz Pudzainowski vs. Tim Sylvia). He's beat some solid guys, and lost to some solid guys. Daniel Roberts was undefeated before getting knocked out in his UFC debut by John Howard. Since I don't think Petz will knock him out, I'll pick Daniel Roberts. Roberts by Unanimous Decision.
Dave Branch vs. Gerald Harris - Dave is another undefeated fighter, and he trains under Renzo Gracie. I was not able to find out whether he's related to Deon Branch, so I'll assume that he is. Gerald Harris has decided to be a straight-up G when fighting and has been knocking out everything in sight. That sounds like a guy that I should probably pick to win a fight. Harris by TKO.
Kendall Grove vs. Goran Reljic - Grove has won some matches and lost some matches. He's beaten surprisingly good competition and lost to surprisingly bad competition. Because of this, I am not comfortable picking any of his fights. Luckily, he is fighting Goran Reljic, who is Croatian. Since I never pick against a fellow Croat, this decision is easy. Reljic by KO.
Seth Petruzelli vs. Ricardo Romero - Petruzelli is best known as the Kimbo Killer, you know, back when some (and by some, I mean morons) thought Kimbo was actually good. Romero is basically undefeated as his only loss was for being disqualified for an illegal kick. Could Petruzelli be known as the Romero Romper? No. Romero by Submission.
Brendan Schaub vs. Chris Tuchscherer - These guys are both best known for being losers when they had chances to be immortalized. Schaub lost in the Ultimate Fighter Finale, and Tuchscherer lost in the finals of YAMMA Pit Fighting. Could both of them lose this fight? Maybe. What's actually more interesting about this fight is that Schaub trains with Shane Carwin and Tuchscherer trains with Brock Lesnar. Is this a preview of the main event? Not at all, these guys would get smashed the main eventers. Am I just rambling on to waste people's time? It would seem that way. Schaub by Unanimous Decision.
Kurt Pellegrino vs. George Sotiropoulous - For technical skill, this will probably be the top fight of the night. Pellegrino is good on the ground and Sotiropoulous is great on the ground. In his last fight, he put on a clinic against Joe Stevenson. Pellegrino lost to Stevenson about three years ago, which would seem to give the advantage to Sotiropoulous. But that would be neglecting the fact that Pellegrino's nickname is Batman (also, he probably has better wrestling). Pellegrino by Unanimous Decision.
Stephan Bonnar vs. Krzysztof Soszynski - Wow, this is apparently the card where they tried to put everybody who has a hard name to spell on it. Soszynski busted open Bonnar last time, but it was an illegal strike so they're going to have a rematch. This could be for Bonnar's career in the UFC as he hasn't won a fight in like three years, but did manage to test positive for steroids in that time. Bonnar went to Vegas to start really training, so I'm going to say that Bonnar can get his revenge against the guy who's name I don't feel like typing out again. Bonnar by Unanimous Decision.
Matt Brown vs. Chris Lytle - I would probably say this is the odds-on favorite to be fight of the night. It's two guys who love to stand and bang. Lytle has better boxing skills, so if he can keep distance, I think he will probably have an advantage despite Brown's reach advantage. If it gets inside, I would put Brown as having an advantage. Just looked up their fight records, and apparently this is a rematch. Lytle won the first time, so let's set up the trilogy. Brown by Unanimous Decision.
Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Chris Leben - I'm so disappointed that Wanderlei Silva had to pull out of this fight that I don't want to discuss this fight. Akiyama by Unanimous Decision.
Brock Lesnar vs. Shane Carwin - I always try to find negatives in people's games that will cause them trouble when I am deciding a close fight. Brock Lesnar struggled with Randy Couture, who I think Carwin would steamroll. Carwin struggled with Gonzaga who Lesnar would steamroll. They both annihilated Frank Mir. Looks like I'm back to square one. I think Lesnar is the better athlete, but I think Shane Carwin has a better training camp. What I think this comes down to is that Lesnar just has too many ways to win this fight, he could win it by powerbomb:
He could also win it by the classic F-5.
Hell, he could even win with a Shooting Star Press.
Okay, maybe not a Shooting Star Press, but he'll still win. Lesnar by TKO.
-Joe
P.S. This was a very heavy sports week on the blog, mostly because I am extremely long-winded when trying to fix the Cubs. I'll be attacking popular culture more next week.
P.P.S. If you're unemployed like me or just have a lot of free time, I would highly recommend listening to the Daves of Thunder podcast. I think I might be retarded for getting so much enjoyment out of it, but I really can't help it.
Karlos Vemola vs. Jon Madsen - A fight between two undefeated fighters. Madsen was on the Ultimate Fighter, which means he's kind of already been defeated since he didn't win the show. Vemola looks a lot meaner, so it's probably best to go with him. Vemola by TKO.
Forrest Petz vs. Daniel Roberts - Forrest Petz has been around forever, and he's back in the UFC after a dominating performance at Moosin: God of War (the fantastic MMA card that put Mariusz Pudzainowski vs. Tim Sylvia). He's beat some solid guys, and lost to some solid guys. Daniel Roberts was undefeated before getting knocked out in his UFC debut by John Howard. Since I don't think Petz will knock him out, I'll pick Daniel Roberts. Roberts by Unanimous Decision.
Dave Branch vs. Gerald Harris - Dave is another undefeated fighter, and he trains under Renzo Gracie. I was not able to find out whether he's related to Deon Branch, so I'll assume that he is. Gerald Harris has decided to be a straight-up G when fighting and has been knocking out everything in sight. That sounds like a guy that I should probably pick to win a fight. Harris by TKO.
Kendall Grove vs. Goran Reljic - Grove has won some matches and lost some matches. He's beaten surprisingly good competition and lost to surprisingly bad competition. Because of this, I am not comfortable picking any of his fights. Luckily, he is fighting Goran Reljic, who is Croatian. Since I never pick against a fellow Croat, this decision is easy. Reljic by KO.
Seth Petruzelli vs. Ricardo Romero - Petruzelli is best known as the Kimbo Killer, you know, back when some (and by some, I mean morons) thought Kimbo was actually good. Romero is basically undefeated as his only loss was for being disqualified for an illegal kick. Could Petruzelli be known as the Romero Romper? No. Romero by Submission.
Brendan Schaub vs. Chris Tuchscherer - These guys are both best known for being losers when they had chances to be immortalized. Schaub lost in the Ultimate Fighter Finale, and Tuchscherer lost in the finals of YAMMA Pit Fighting. Could both of them lose this fight? Maybe. What's actually more interesting about this fight is that Schaub trains with Shane Carwin and Tuchscherer trains with Brock Lesnar. Is this a preview of the main event? Not at all, these guys would get smashed the main eventers. Am I just rambling on to waste people's time? It would seem that way. Schaub by Unanimous Decision.
Kurt Pellegrino vs. George Sotiropoulous - For technical skill, this will probably be the top fight of the night. Pellegrino is good on the ground and Sotiropoulous is great on the ground. In his last fight, he put on a clinic against Joe Stevenson. Pellegrino lost to Stevenson about three years ago, which would seem to give the advantage to Sotiropoulous. But that would be neglecting the fact that Pellegrino's nickname is Batman (also, he probably has better wrestling). Pellegrino by Unanimous Decision.
Stephan Bonnar vs. Krzysztof Soszynski - Wow, this is apparently the card where they tried to put everybody who has a hard name to spell on it. Soszynski busted open Bonnar last time, but it was an illegal strike so they're going to have a rematch. This could be for Bonnar's career in the UFC as he hasn't won a fight in like three years, but did manage to test positive for steroids in that time. Bonnar went to Vegas to start really training, so I'm going to say that Bonnar can get his revenge against the guy who's name I don't feel like typing out again. Bonnar by Unanimous Decision.
Matt Brown vs. Chris Lytle - I would probably say this is the odds-on favorite to be fight of the night. It's two guys who love to stand and bang. Lytle has better boxing skills, so if he can keep distance, I think he will probably have an advantage despite Brown's reach advantage. If it gets inside, I would put Brown as having an advantage. Just looked up their fight records, and apparently this is a rematch. Lytle won the first time, so let's set up the trilogy. Brown by Unanimous Decision.
Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Chris Leben - I'm so disappointed that Wanderlei Silva had to pull out of this fight that I don't want to discuss this fight. Akiyama by Unanimous Decision.
Brock Lesnar vs. Shane Carwin - I always try to find negatives in people's games that will cause them trouble when I am deciding a close fight. Brock Lesnar struggled with Randy Couture, who I think Carwin would steamroll. Carwin struggled with Gonzaga who Lesnar would steamroll. They both annihilated Frank Mir. Looks like I'm back to square one. I think Lesnar is the better athlete, but I think Shane Carwin has a better training camp. What I think this comes down to is that Lesnar just has too many ways to win this fight, he could win it by powerbomb:
He could also win it by the classic F-5.
Hell, he could even win with a Shooting Star Press.
Okay, maybe not a Shooting Star Press, but he'll still win. Lesnar by TKO.
-Joe
P.S. This was a very heavy sports week on the blog, mostly because I am extremely long-winded when trying to fix the Cubs. I'll be attacking popular culture more next week.
P.P.S. If you're unemployed like me or just have a lot of free time, I would highly recommend listening to the Daves of Thunder podcast. I think I might be retarded for getting so much enjoyment out of it, but I really can't help it.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
How to Fix the Cubs - Part 4
$49.5 million, that's what the Cubs have to work with to make this a better team. This is a pretty solid team as we have gotten rid of waste and have at least competent players in most positions. We have wants and needs, let's get started:
Wants:
1. Starting Pitcher - First off, sign Mark Prior. That's obvious. Prior's workout was described by a scout as "just alright," but that could have meant that it was just alright for the former greatest pitcher ever. If Jim Hendry can sign Soriano for eight years and not lose his job immediately, I think we can give a contract to Mark Prior. Also, there is a disappointingly small amount of clips of Mark Prior pitching, but I was able to dig up a video of him at USC. It's so smooth and easy for him. I love Prior, and will love him more than any wife or child of mine, but Strasburg has been more impressive than Prior was when he started his career. Still, Strasburg's dominance can compare to a Pedro Martinez where Prior's dominance more compared to a Greg Maddux (not comparing pitching styles, just levels of dominance).
The Chicago Cubs sign Mark Prior to a one-year, $1 million deal, with a club option for 2012 of $4 million or a 250K buyout.
Expecting Prior to fill a spot in the rotation takes some wishful thinking. So I would like to add another starter to the mix for the Cubs. The top guys on my list are Bedard, Bonderman, Sheets, and Westbrook. I know that Cliff Lee isn't on my list, and this is both because of cost and injury risk. Lee seems to always miss at least a couple weeks with injuries, and I don't see that getting better as he gets older. For the contract that he is seeking, I don't think the risk matches the reward, and I will not screw over the team for the future. I'm going to take a chance and figure that moving to the National League will help quite a bit and predict a bounceback year for Ben Sheets.
The Chicago Cubs sign Ben Sheets to a one-year, $7 million deal, with a club option for 2012 of $12 million or a $1 million buyout.
2. Outfielder - Next up, the Cubs need to add depth to the outfield. I'll admit that there doesn't seem to be an ideal fit on the free agent market, but I'm not ready to completely trust Tyler Colvin's breakout. It screams a little too much Shane Spencer for my liking. My first thought was Rick Ankiel, but that seems like I'm just going for an older Tyler Colvin.
After that, I considered Jose Guillen, but he's kind of a head case, and since he's had a good year, he'll probably be looking for legit money and possibly multiple years, neither of which I want to give Jose Guillen. After that, I considered Gabe Gross, but that's just desperate.
After looking at those guys, I had to consider a guy who would be a left field only guy moving Soriano over to right field. I know this will not be optimal for the defense, but Soriano has a good enough arm to play right, so I think it can work on days where Tyler Colvin isn't playing.
Although our defense would be worse than atrocious, Manny Ramirez would be ideal with a one-year, $18-$20 million deal. But I honestly think it could depress our pitching staff too much knowing that every fly ball is an adventure for our outfield. Plus, the money is a little steep, so I have to pass on him.
And finally, we settle on our new outfield option. He has good range, and a girly arm, but he gets on base and could actually be a legitimate leadoff hitter for the Cubs. That's right, we're going after Johnny Damon. With Soriano always having ailments where he needs rest, Damon being old and needing rest, and Marlon Byrd using the occasional day off, Colvin can still get a decent amount of playing time at the different outfield positions so it's an ideal fit for the Cubs.
The Chicago Cubs sign Johnny Damon to a one-year, $7 million contract.
3. Infielder - This is a position that we have a lot of flexibility at, since Theriot can spot for Castro at short, and Fontenot can play second or third, this player could play absolutely any position. My first thought was to jokingly suggest Derek Jeter for backup infielder, but people might take me seriously. Then I thought about seriously suggesting Eric Chavez, but then I assumed people would think I was joking. After looking at the list, and realizing we weren't going to pull off Jorge Cantu for $2 million, I have decided to sign Eric Chavez to a minor league deal and put him in a competititon with Micah Hoffpauir. Hoffpauir has earned his shot, and if he can't beat out Eric Chavez, he doesn't deserve to make the team. And if Chavez goes back to 2003 form, then I look even better.
The Chicago Cubs sign Eric Chavez to a minor league deal.
5. Relief Pitcher - I am adamantly against signing relief pitchers to big contracts, but if I can get a guy with experience for cheap, then I'm going to do it. I love Juan Cruz, so I will sign Juan Cruz.
The Chicago Cubs sign Juan Cruz to a $1 million deal for 2011, with club options of $2 million in 2012 and $3.5 million for 2013.
And since everybody loves him, let's get the Big 3 back together, Zambrano, Prior, and Kerry Wood.
The Chicago Cubs sign Kerry Wood to a two-year, $8 million deal.
Needs:
First Baseman - The Cubs can't count on Micah Hoffpauir to be a legitimate big league first baseman so they need to do something to give them offensive firepower. Both Adam Dunn and Carlos Pena are top free agents at first base, and I'm sure they can do an admirable job for a team. But I'm not looking for an admirable job. I'm looking to make a splash. I am going to have to get a fan favorite that will absolutely thrive at Wrigley Field, and I can actually pull this off.
If the Bulls get the King, then the Cubs will need a Prince. That's right, I'm making a super offer to the Brewers to get Prince Fielder. We will trade Andrew Cashner, Josh Vitters, and Jeff Samardzija to the Brewers for Prince Fielder. We will then sign Prince to a six year, $162 million contract, because Howard set the market, so we have to go with it. He's much younger than Howard, as this only takes him through Age 32 season. Paying great players great sums does not kill teams, paying mediocre players great sums kills teams. Prince is not Alfonso Soriano.
The Chicago Cubs trade Andrew Cashner, Jeff Samrazija, and Josh Vitters to the Milwaukee Brewers for Prince Fielder.
The Chicago Cubs sign Prince Fielder to a six-year, $162 million deal.
Here is how the roster shakes out:
Starting Lineup
1. Johnny Damon - LF
2. Marlon Byrd - CF
3. Prince Fielder - 1B
4. Aramis Ramirez - 3B
5. Alfonso Soriano - RF
6. Geovany Soto - C
7. Starlin Castro - SS
8. Ryan Theriot - 2B
Bench
Tyler Colvin - OF
Micah Hoffpauir - OF/1B
Mike Fontenot - Util
Welington Castillo - C
Sam Fuld - OF
Starting Rotation
1. Ryan Dempster
2. Ben Sheets
3. Randy Wells
4. Carlos Zambrano
5. Tom Gorzelanny
Relievers
Carlos Marmol
Kerry Wood - CL
Juan Cruz
John Grabow
Sean Marshall
Thomas Diamond
John Gaub
Obviously, the biggest holes that we have is no legitimate number one starter, but I think the bullpen is very good which should help. Thomas Diamond was a former top prospect who is doing very well at Triple-A so he'll be my sixth starter (because we'll definitely need one). After that, Jay Jackson would step up in the rotation. Plus, we've still got Mark Prior and $2.5 million left over without raising payroll.
The lineup looks pretty good, but it's all dependent on how A-Ram performs. It should be good enough, and Prince Fielder moving into a hitter's park should make him even more of a force.
The bottom line is that I took a team with no hope and turned them into a contender. You can thank me later.
-Joe
P.S. I don't know if anybody agrees with this, but I often feel that Bad Company is one of the most underrated classic rock bands. They kick ass, yet they don't get nearly the love of Journey, Rush, or Foreigner. So go out and listen to some Bad Company, you won't regret it.
Wants:
1. Starting Pitcher - First off, sign Mark Prior. That's obvious. Prior's workout was described by a scout as "just alright," but that could have meant that it was just alright for the former greatest pitcher ever. If Jim Hendry can sign Soriano for eight years and not lose his job immediately, I think we can give a contract to Mark Prior. Also, there is a disappointingly small amount of clips of Mark Prior pitching, but I was able to dig up a video of him at USC. It's so smooth and easy for him. I love Prior, and will love him more than any wife or child of mine, but Strasburg has been more impressive than Prior was when he started his career. Still, Strasburg's dominance can compare to a Pedro Martinez where Prior's dominance more compared to a Greg Maddux (not comparing pitching styles, just levels of dominance).
The Chicago Cubs sign Mark Prior to a one-year, $1 million deal, with a club option for 2012 of $4 million or a 250K buyout.
Expecting Prior to fill a spot in the rotation takes some wishful thinking. So I would like to add another starter to the mix for the Cubs. The top guys on my list are Bedard, Bonderman, Sheets, and Westbrook. I know that Cliff Lee isn't on my list, and this is both because of cost and injury risk. Lee seems to always miss at least a couple weeks with injuries, and I don't see that getting better as he gets older. For the contract that he is seeking, I don't think the risk matches the reward, and I will not screw over the team for the future. I'm going to take a chance and figure that moving to the National League will help quite a bit and predict a bounceback year for Ben Sheets.
The Chicago Cubs sign Ben Sheets to a one-year, $7 million deal, with a club option for 2012 of $12 million or a $1 million buyout.
2. Outfielder - Next up, the Cubs need to add depth to the outfield. I'll admit that there doesn't seem to be an ideal fit on the free agent market, but I'm not ready to completely trust Tyler Colvin's breakout. It screams a little too much Shane Spencer for my liking. My first thought was Rick Ankiel, but that seems like I'm just going for an older Tyler Colvin.
After that, I considered Jose Guillen, but he's kind of a head case, and since he's had a good year, he'll probably be looking for legit money and possibly multiple years, neither of which I want to give Jose Guillen. After that, I considered Gabe Gross, but that's just desperate.
After looking at those guys, I had to consider a guy who would be a left field only guy moving Soriano over to right field. I know this will not be optimal for the defense, but Soriano has a good enough arm to play right, so I think it can work on days where Tyler Colvin isn't playing.
Although our defense would be worse than atrocious, Manny Ramirez would be ideal with a one-year, $18-$20 million deal. But I honestly think it could depress our pitching staff too much knowing that every fly ball is an adventure for our outfield. Plus, the money is a little steep, so I have to pass on him.
And finally, we settle on our new outfield option. He has good range, and a girly arm, but he gets on base and could actually be a legitimate leadoff hitter for the Cubs. That's right, we're going after Johnny Damon. With Soriano always having ailments where he needs rest, Damon being old and needing rest, and Marlon Byrd using the occasional day off, Colvin can still get a decent amount of playing time at the different outfield positions so it's an ideal fit for the Cubs.
The Chicago Cubs sign Johnny Damon to a one-year, $7 million contract.
3. Infielder - This is a position that we have a lot of flexibility at, since Theriot can spot for Castro at short, and Fontenot can play second or third, this player could play absolutely any position. My first thought was to jokingly suggest Derek Jeter for backup infielder, but people might take me seriously. Then I thought about seriously suggesting Eric Chavez, but then I assumed people would think I was joking. After looking at the list, and realizing we weren't going to pull off Jorge Cantu for $2 million, I have decided to sign Eric Chavez to a minor league deal and put him in a competititon with Micah Hoffpauir. Hoffpauir has earned his shot, and if he can't beat out Eric Chavez, he doesn't deserve to make the team. And if Chavez goes back to 2003 form, then I look even better.
The Chicago Cubs sign Eric Chavez to a minor league deal.
5. Relief Pitcher - I am adamantly against signing relief pitchers to big contracts, but if I can get a guy with experience for cheap, then I'm going to do it. I love Juan Cruz, so I will sign Juan Cruz.
The Chicago Cubs sign Juan Cruz to a $1 million deal for 2011, with club options of $2 million in 2012 and $3.5 million for 2013.
And since everybody loves him, let's get the Big 3 back together, Zambrano, Prior, and Kerry Wood.
The Chicago Cubs sign Kerry Wood to a two-year, $8 million deal.
Needs:
First Baseman - The Cubs can't count on Micah Hoffpauir to be a legitimate big league first baseman so they need to do something to give them offensive firepower. Both Adam Dunn and Carlos Pena are top free agents at first base, and I'm sure they can do an admirable job for a team. But I'm not looking for an admirable job. I'm looking to make a splash. I am going to have to get a fan favorite that will absolutely thrive at Wrigley Field, and I can actually pull this off.
If the Bulls get the King, then the Cubs will need a Prince. That's right, I'm making a super offer to the Brewers to get Prince Fielder. We will trade Andrew Cashner, Josh Vitters, and Jeff Samardzija to the Brewers for Prince Fielder. We will then sign Prince to a six year, $162 million contract, because Howard set the market, so we have to go with it. He's much younger than Howard, as this only takes him through Age 32 season. Paying great players great sums does not kill teams, paying mediocre players great sums kills teams. Prince is not Alfonso Soriano.
The Chicago Cubs trade Andrew Cashner, Jeff Samrazija, and Josh Vitters to the Milwaukee Brewers for Prince Fielder.
The Chicago Cubs sign Prince Fielder to a six-year, $162 million deal.
Here is how the roster shakes out:
Starting Lineup
1. Johnny Damon - LF
2. Marlon Byrd - CF
3. Prince Fielder - 1B
4. Aramis Ramirez - 3B
5. Alfonso Soriano - RF
6. Geovany Soto - C
7. Starlin Castro - SS
8. Ryan Theriot - 2B
Bench
Tyler Colvin - OF
Micah Hoffpauir - OF/1B
Mike Fontenot - Util
Welington Castillo - C
Sam Fuld - OF
Starting Rotation
1. Ryan Dempster
2. Ben Sheets
3. Randy Wells
4. Carlos Zambrano
5. Tom Gorzelanny
Relievers
Carlos Marmol
Kerry Wood - CL
Juan Cruz
John Grabow
Sean Marshall
Thomas Diamond
John Gaub
Obviously, the biggest holes that we have is no legitimate number one starter, but I think the bullpen is very good which should help. Thomas Diamond was a former top prospect who is doing very well at Triple-A so he'll be my sixth starter (because we'll definitely need one). After that, Jay Jackson would step up in the rotation. Plus, we've still got Mark Prior and $2.5 million left over without raising payroll.
The lineup looks pretty good, but it's all dependent on how A-Ram performs. It should be good enough, and Prince Fielder moving into a hitter's park should make him even more of a force.
The bottom line is that I took a team with no hope and turned them into a contender. You can thank me later.
-Joe
P.S. I don't know if anybody agrees with this, but I often feel that Bad Company is one of the most underrated classic rock bands. They kick ass, yet they don't get nearly the love of Journey, Rush, or Foreigner. So go out and listen to some Bad Company, you won't regret it.
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