The 47 Best Players from the 1998 Chicago Cubs - #2 Kerry Wood

2. Kerry Wood
Holy shit, Kerry Wood was good. Like, it is not nearly appreciated enough how good Kerry Wood's stuff was as a pitcher. Here's how good he was. Kerry Wood was a SURE THING when he was called up to the major leagues. Nobody doubted that he would be awesome. This was despite the fact that between Double-A and Triple-A the previous year, he had a 4.57 ERA and walked nearly EIGHT batters per nine innings. He most definitely needed some more seasoning in the minor leagues, and the Cubs gave it to him, with a single start in Iowa where he struck out 11 batters in five innings.

Kerry Wood did not come out and set the world on fire immediately. After giving up seven runs in less than two innings, his ERA was sitting at 8.74 after three starts. Of course, he followed that up with his best start so far, going seven innings and giving up just one run against the Cardinals.

Then he faced the Astros on May 6. There's not a whole lot I can say about this game that hasn't been said multiple times before. Here are a couple fun facts. The first eight batters struck out that day as Shane Reynolds also struck out the side in the first inning. Starting in the seventh inning, when Kerry Wood should have been slowing down, he struck out seven straight batters. The Astros heart of their lineup, 3-4-5 hitters, Jeff Bagwell, Jack Howell, and Moises Alou had nine at bats and struck out nine times. It's the greatest game ever pitched as far as I'm concerned as there is a very solid argument that on top of the 20 strikeouts, he also should have had a no hitter. Also, just to prove it wasn't a fluke, Wood struck out 13 Diamondbacks in his next start.

Let's just take a break to watch some gifs, because even if you've seen these 1000 times, they are still mesmerizing.


Poor Derek Bell. With only seeing one batter go down before him, he had no idea what he was in store for, and it showed as he missed so bad that he had to jog forward to avoid face planting on home plate.


It's not just that Jeff Bagwell's knees buckle but the total disdain he has as he walks off on shame that truly makes it beautiful.


Look at poor Dave Clark. He's all confident, getting ready to make good contact with a pitch, and then he realizes that the pitch is diving a foot below his swing plane, but by that point, it's already too late. I mean, just look at that poor man's face.


Brad Ausmus probably made the wise decision to just keep the bat on his shoulders for this one. But most importantly, if you look up at the information box in the upper left corner, you can see that this pitch was so nasty that they gave Wood two strikes for it. That's pretty damn impressive.


When Bill Spiers heard Larry Dierker call his name to go in and pinch hit, do you think he tried to pretend he couldn't hear him? I would have definitely tried that if I was Bill Spiers. He should have stuck two fingers down his throat, started puking, and just not had to deal with this. As for the pitch, it looks like it almost hits Spiers right elbow and also his left hip. It never comes close to hitting Spiers's bat though.


This is the final strikeout of the game. Not only did Derek Bell get made to look silly again, but even Kerry Wood has earned a subdued fist pump to celebrate.

Okay, I guess I did still have a few things to say about that game.

After his two-start, 33 strikeout run, he would continue to dominate, striking out at least 10 batters seven more times. His most impressive outing was August 26, his second-to-last start of the regular season, when he struck out 16 Cincinnati Reds batters in eight innings.

He would go 13-6 with a 3.40 ERA and led the league in strikeouts per nine innings since he had an incredible 233 in 166 innings. His 12.5 beat second-place Curt Schilling by more than 2.5 strikeouts per nine innings. He also won the Rookie of the Year award, barely edging out Todd Helton.

Although Wood did not pitch the final month of the season, he did come back for the playoffs, giving up just one run in five innings, but the bullpen promptly let the Braves blow the game wide open.

Wood didn't make a single appearance the next season as he had to have Tommy John surgery before the 1999 season. It's not too surprising as the 20-year-old eclipsed 100 pitches in 21 of his 26 starts in 1998. In 2000, it looked like he may never reclaim the magic he showed his rookie year as he put up a 4.80 ERA in 137 innings.

But then, 2001-2003, he turned things around, pitching about 200 innings with an ERA in the mid-to-low 3s while striking out over ten batters per nine innings. Unfortunately, it was not made to last as he took a small step back in 2004, and by 2005, he was forced to try a transition to the bullpen.

If you were following the Cubs back then, you probably resigned yourself to the fact that Kerry Wood would never be productive again. No matter what he did, he could not stay healthy long enough to get in a groove to be a reliable member of the pitching staff. Between 2006-2007, he pitched just over 40 innings combined.

But in 2008, he reinvented himself as a successful closer for the team, racking up 34 saves. The Cubs didn't believe the magic was real and allowed him to go to the Indians in 2009, not even making an offer for Wood to stay. he was solid for the Indians in 2009, then struggled with them in 2010 before being traded to the Yankees where he dominated as a setup man for Mariano Rivera, putting up the nicest ERA of 0.69. He came back to the Cubs in 2011 and was effective again in relief. But in 2012, it fell apart, and he would retire later that year.

Kerry Wood is the most exciting pitcher in Cubs history. He's not the best, but Kerry Wood in 1998 was appointment viewing. Considering he struck out 20 guys in his sixth start, every start after, you came in with the thought that it might be possible again. Information about how pitch counts weren't really out there, at least not for me during my early teenage years, so you didn't really care if he was racking up 120 pitches while striking out 13 guys in seven innings. It was just awesome every time you saw somebody massively whiff on a breaking ball. Kerry Wood was the shit.

And somehow, his story is only the second most important from the 1998 Chicago Cubs.

In case you missed it:
Introduction
#47 - Matt Karchner
#46 - Jose Nieves
#45 - Rodney Myers
#44 - Justin Speier
#43 - Tony Fossas
#42 - Kennie Steenstra
#41 - Chris Haney
#40 - Bob Patterson
#39 - Pedro Valdes
#38 - Derrick White
#37 - Ben Van Ryn
#36 - Terrell Lowery
#35 - Don Wengert
#34 - Kurt Miller
#33 - Jason Maxwell
#32 - Kevin Foster
#31 - Mike Morgan
#30 - Felix Heredia 
#29 - Jeff Blauser
#28 - Jason Hardtke
#27 - Dave Stevens
#26 - Manny Alexander
#25 - Marc Pisciotta
#24 - Kevin Orie
#23 - Sandy Martinez
#22 - Terry Adams
#21 - Matt Mieske
#20 - Amaury Telemaco
#19 - Tyler Houston
#18 - Geremi Gonzalez
#17 - Orlando Merced
#16 - Scott Servais
#15 - Mark Clark
#14 - Lance Johnson
#13 - Brant Brown
#12 - Jose Hernandez
#11 - Steve Trachsel
#10 - Henry Rodriguez
#9 - Kevin Tapani
#8 - Mickey Morandini
#7 - Gary Gaetti
#6 - Rod Beck
#5 - Terry Mulholland
#4 - Glenallen Hill
#3 - Mark Grace

The 47 Best Players from the 1998 Chicago Cubs - #23 Sandy Martinez

23. Sandy Martinez
Sandy Martinez never really hit the ball. His best year going up through the minors was back in 1993 in low-A where he put up a .263/.313/.396 line which is usually a line that gets you released. His numbers were worse the next year, and he was rewarded by being named the 77th best prospect by Baseball America. Vladimir Guerrero was eight spots lower despite having a OPS that was more than 250 points better than Martinez.

This is all just a way of saying that this was a man who was valued strictly for his defense. The Cubs traded a minor league pitcher to the Blue Jays to acquire Martinez before the 1998 season. When you have the chance to get a guy who put up a .304 slugging percentage at Triple-A the previous season, you have to find a way to get that guy on your roster.

When you hit very little and are mostly known for defense, there isn't a lot of room for memorable moments, but Martinez was involved in possibly the most memorable moment of the season as he was Kerry Wood's catcher when Wood struck out 20 batters in one game. As good of a game as I'm sure Martinez called, I'm going to have to give slightly more credit to Wood so you'll have to wait to read about that game.

And he did manage his best offensive season for the Cubs that year, managing a .264/.363/.391 line. That is a shockingly good on-base percentage. I know he nearly exclusively batted eighth, but what kind of pitcher is walking Sandy Martinez and his sub-400 slugging percentage, especially if it meant having to face Kerry Wood in the lineup.

Martinez's offensive prowess carried over to the playoffs. In Game 3 of the NLDS, the Cubs entered the eighth inning down just 1-0. Greg Maddux was pitching a gem for the bad guys. Still, Jose Hernandez led off with a single. Sandy Martinez, who had just entered as a defensive replacement, came through in the clutch and also hit a single. Then, Lance Johnson hit a single to load up the bases with no outs. The Braves took Maddux out of the game, and Mickey Morandini got the Cubs first run across with a sacrifice fly. Sammy Sosa struck out, but Mark Grace managed to hit a single and bring in Martinez for what should have been the go-ahead run. Unfortunately, this all took place in the bottom of the eighth after the Braves had put up five runs in the top of the eighth, so instead of the Cubs taking a 2-1 lead, it just brought the Cubs to 6-2. They did not win this game, but Martinez had a perfect batting average in the playoffs.

The Cubs kept him around for 1999 but Martinez hit .167 in just 30 at bats that year. He would then bounce around to the Marlins, Expos, Indians, and Red Sox before his career was over. Sandy Martinez was never going to light the world on fire with his bat, but he did as well as anyone could have expected in 1998, was involved in the most memorable regular season game of the year, and managed to come through in the clutch in his one playoff at bat. There may not be much to get excited about Sandy Martinez, but there is nothing to fault him for either. That's about as impressive as it gets for a third catcher.

In case you missed it:
Introduction
#47 - Matt Karchner
#46 - Jose Nieves
#45 - Rodney Myers
#44 - Justin Speier
#43 - Tony Fossas
#42 - Kennie Steenstra
#41 - Chris Haney
#40 - Bob Patterson
#39 - Pedro Valdes
#38 - Derrick White
#37 - Ben Van Ryn
#36 - Terrell Lowery
#35 - Don Wengert
#34 - Kurt Miller
#33 - Jason Maxwell
#32 - Kevin Foster
#31 - Mike Morgan
#30 - Felix Heredia 
#29 - Jeff Blauser
#28 - Jason Hardtke
#27 - Dave Stevens
#26 - Manny Alexander
#25 - Marc Pisciotta
#24 - Kevin Orie

I Miss The Steroid Era - Everything Great About 1998

There is a lot of vitriol aimed towards the late 90s and early 00s baseball years. It is referred to as the Steroid Era, and sports writers (the most honest and honorable people in the world, if you didn't know) just can't believe that players would use drugs that enhance their performance. There was no testing for things like that, so it wasn't really against the rules, but they like, shouldn't have done it, because it's bad. Anyway, I could go into an hour long diatribe about steroids, but instead, I just want to state that I love the Steroid Era. That baseball was awesome. No year better exemplifies the awesomeness of the era than 1998. I will always remember that year fondly, but it truly is amazing all of the awesome things that happened in 98.

The Sosa-McGwire home run chase was undoubtedly the most exciting thing that has happened in baseball during my lifetime. Everybody loved baseball at the time due to those two players. Sure there was steroid use, but the baseballs in play likely had way more to do with the home runs than any PEDs. The whole nation was following two guys playing in the Midwest, because it was that totally awesome.And it's not like we didn't know about steroids. I remember making fun of Cardinals fans for McGwire using androstenedione. It was right there in his locker, but nobody gave a shit and life was grand. 

But that's not all that was great about 1998. There were all of these awesome things as well.

It wasn't just McGwire and Sosa. Ken Griffey Jr. hit 56 home runs. 1998 takes us to a time before Griffey was hurt every year, and that is a wonderful thing to remember. 

Kerry Wood struck out 20 dudes in a game and nearly had a no-hitter. This was the greatest pitching performance ever. Nobody will ever touch it in my mind. Wood made baseballs do things that physics should not allow. And he did all of this while not even being old enough to drink. God, I hate injuries so much, but in 1998, I barely even knew they existed.

Rod Beck was the Cubs Closer. This was not only fun for Cubs fans; it was fun for all fans. Rod Beck made sure to make every game close no matter what the lead. The Cubs could be up by 3 runs, and Beck would give up two runs, have the bases loaded with no out, and then get a strike out and a double play and act like it was his plan the whole time. Rod Beck was stupid fun.

Greg, not Mo, but Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs. He only had 18 the year before. Good for him at becoming 2.5 times better at offense at age 32.

Oh, speaking of a surprising late career power spike, there is no way I can make it through this without mentioning Toronto Blue Jays legend, Jose Canseco, who hit 46 bombs about ten years past his prime. Anytime you bring up a baseball season and have a reason to bring up Jose Canseco, you know it's a good year.

Albert Belle hit 49 home runs, which I actually feel is totally legitimate. What is more impressive is that he played in 163 games. He isn't Mr. 24/7, he's Mr. 25/8. 

Glenallen Hill. Just that he existed is amazing. I love Glenallen Hill WAY too much.

Rickey Henderson was still leading the league in stolen bases, with 66. If Rickey were somehow still playing in his 50s today, he'd probably finish in the top 10 in stolen bases and have an above average on base percentage. Never underestimate Rickey.

Derek Jeter edged Tony Womack for most singles, 151 to 149. I loved Tony Womack. Scrappy, fast dudes were my jam in the late 90s. OBP didn't mean shit, and it was awesome.

Larry Walker led the league in batting average. You know who came in 2nd? John Olerud, and if you don't smile thinking of John Olerud wearing a batting helmet in the field, something is wrong with you. John Olerud was totally tubular.

Barry Bonds was in what should have been his prime, finished fourth in WAR but not in the top-10 in home runs. Let me just say that Barry Bonds was amazing, even before anyone ever questioned whether he was all natural. Do you need proof? I think I might be able to provide that.

Mark McGwire hit 33 more home runs than Barry Bonds, but Bonds still drew more intentional walks that year, because Barry Bonds is a goddamned national treasure.

It was Pedro Martinez's first year in Boston, and he put up the 7th best ERA in baseball, just behind Omar Daal. You could say that Omar Daal was dealing that year, but really, he was more Daaling than anything else.

Ben Grieve was the AL Rookie of the Year. I was a HUGE Ben Grieve believer (A BeGriever?). That obviously didn't turn out to great, but I had no doubt he'd hit 500 homers in his career after 1998. 

El Duque made his debut, which helped me learn that all Cubans are great at baseball, a lesson that actual baseball teams just learned, like, in the last 18 months.

Mike Caruso came 3rd in AL Rookie of the Year voting. I do not remember this guy AT ALL. He played another full year in 99, and then only got 21 more plate appearances in 2002. I bet Mike Caruso fucking loves talking about 1998.

Honestly, that 1998 Cubs team was my favorite team of all time. I should write about it every year, because it made me feel feelings. Reliving that year brings me incredible joy and also takes me back to when I had tears in my eyes after the evil, big money, Atlanta Braves, swept the lovable, scrappy, Chicago Cubs in three games. Everybody remembers the big names, but I would like to point out that Brant Brown slugged over .500 that year, and Gary Gaetti had a line of .320/.397/.594. Yep, Gary Gaetti hit over .300 and slugged nearly .600 at age 39 after being traded to the Cubs at the deadline. God, 1998 was awesome.

Still, some people try to shit on that year, because "Durrr, steroids," but those people are idiots. I will always love that 1998 season, and my larger point is that you shouldn't worry when people shit on something you love. It's not something to be embarrassed about, because you shouldn't let people take away great times and fond memories. On a related note, my first concert (which was probably a couple years earlier than 1998) was Weird Al Yankovic. I used to be embarrassed by this, but fuck that. Weird Al is awesome, and he put on a hell of a show that I guarantee I would still enjoy today. 

So love what you love, don't worry about what others think, because nostalgia is the one thing that never gets old.

Mark Prior Should Be in the Hall of Fame

I have loved Mark Prior for a long time, since 2001 to be exact. I have followed his career since then, and I remember watching the high points, and hoping for the best during the low points. I always thought he deserved another chance. I know he deserved it. Objectively, I know he doesn't deserve to be in the Hall of Fame, but subjectively, I feel like there are few players who deserve to be there more. This is a player that future generations should never forget.

Mark Prior was the reason I actually showed an interest in the MLB Draft, and I was immediately in love with the man. As a dumbass 16 year-old, I was concerned that I loved another man, but for Prior, it was totally worth it. This is a guy that pitched 138 innings, yet managed 202 strikeouts while walking just 18 batters during his Junior year at USC. He went 15-1 with a 1.69 ERA.

The Cubs had the second pick in the draft, which was a huge bummer, because there was no way that he wouldn't go number one overall. But I heard rumors that the Twins were considering not taking him, because of signing bonus demands. I had no idea that teams took cheaper players instead of the best players, so this was a huge shock to me. But I was overjoyed with the news. I remember thinking how badly the Twins shit the bed when they took a local catcher named Joe Mauer. What idiots.

But their loss was the Cubs gain, as the Cubs quickly snatched Mark Prior with the second pick. This was going to be awesome, as the Cubs could pair him with Kerry Wood and the next Pedro Martinez, Juan Cruz, and have the best 1-3 starters in baseball history.

He started his professional career in 2002, where he pitched in nine minor league games, striking out 79 batters in 51 innings, before getting called up to the big league roster. Nine games. In a perfect world, that would have been the extent of Mark Prior's time in the minor leagues. Instead he would pitch 64 games in eight different seasons over an eleven year span. This is not a perfect world.

He made his debut on May 22, 2002 and fulfilled even my insanely high expectations. He pitched six innings, had ten strikeouts, and got the win against the Pirates that day. He cruised through his rookie year with 147 strikeouts and 38 walks in 116 2/3 innings. He was only 21 years old.

In 2003, Mark Prior may have been the best pitcher in baseball. He only came in third in the NL Cy Young Award voting, but that was because Eric Gagne pitched one inning really well, and nobody knew that park factors could help a pitcher like Jason Schmidt while hurting a guy like Prior. The only thing that hurt Prior that year was some shoulder soreness in July, but it was no big deal. He had perfect mechanics, and he came back stronger than ever. At the end of July, he was 8-5 with a 3.01 ERA, and still finished 18-6, with a 2.43 ERA, struck out 245 while walking 50 in 211 1/3 innings. He went 10-1 while lowering his overall ERA by over half a run down the stretch. He wasn't just great; he was getting better.

And then there's the 2003 postseason. And everybody remembers Bartman, but that doesn't matter. What matters is 133, 116, and 119, the number of pitches Prior threw in the postseason after his first big league year. That middle number was thrown in a game the Cubs won 12-3. The cubs were already up 11-0 after five innings, yet the Cubs kept sending him out there until finally taking him out when he was unable to retire the first two batters in the eighth. I hated Dusty Baker for a long time as I looked back at those numbers, because I felt robbed. Mark Prior would never be fully healthy again.

But just because he wasn't fully healthy doesn't mean he still wasn't pretty damn good. He struck out 327 batters in 285 innings in 2004-2005. He still looked like Mark Prior but nothing was quite as crisp, and he couldn't consistently dominate like he used to. Also, he spent a lot of time on the disabled list. In 2006, the wheels came off. He had a 7.21 ERA in nine starts. The Cubs shut him down after an August 10 start against the Brewers where he gave up five runs in three innings, while striking out only one, the opposing pitcher, Doug Davis. It would be the last time he ever pitched in the major leagues.

He didn't pitch at all in 2007, 2008, or 2009. But in 2010, he pitched for the Orange County Flyers of the Golden Baseball League, striking out 22 in 11 innings with a 0.00 ERA. The Rangers gave him one minor league inning to end the year, and I still believed that he could be a valuable asset to a big league team. But it wasn't meant to be. When he pitched, he did well. From 2011-2013, with the Yankees, Red Sox, and Reds minor league affiliates, he managed an ERA of 3.66 while striking out nearly 12 batters per inning.

Unfortunately, over those three years, he only managed to pitch in 46 2/3 innings.

It is easy to look at Mark Prior's career and call it a failure. Mark Prior may even agree with that sentiment, as he stated when he retired, "I have no regrets. I did everything I could. I left it on the field, gave everything I could to it and came up short."

I agree with everything in that statement except for the very end. I'm glad he has no regrets, and this is a man who did everything he could, left it on the field, and gave everything he had to baseball. But he didn't come up short. He was a hero, and even though I was a legal adult during his greatest year, every time he pitched, I had the awe of a child. I know I'm not alone in that sentiment. And because of that, the name Mark Prior will stick with me forever.

Some may remember him as nothing more than a cautionary tale. I will remember him as what greatness truly looks like. Either way, he deserves to be remembered. Mark Prior for the Hall of Fame. 

Kerry Wood Was Special

Even though he will forever be remembered for one, Kerry Wood was much more important than his numbers. Everyone brings up his 20 strikeout game, and it is for good reason. Just look at this video. It's almost unfathomable that a pitcher could be that good. But he really was. He was not the best Cub of my lifetime, but he may have been the greatest. It's the reason articles like this one hit me on a level that most sports articles can't. When he retired, I really just wanted to read any interesting article I could find about him. Like many Cubs fans, I wanted to hang on to something that was gone.

He was the most Cub player of the last twenty years. Mark Grace is up there, but not quite. He went to Arizona and won a World Series, and as Cubs fans, we all felt great for him. But he never came back. Kerry left too. First to the Indians, and then traded to the Yankees. But he came back. Nobody ever comes back. Leaving the Cubs is supposed to be a blessing. Only Kerry would (pun unavoidable) come back to the curse.

He had opportunities to go other places, but he said he wanted to live in Chicago. Hell, he still could have gone to the White Sox for more money and lived in Chicago, but he couldn't do that. He hated the White Sox. And he really hated the fucking Cardinals. "Fuck those guys" was always the fan's attitude, but it's really something special when the players feel the same way.

And maybe it means a little more to people around my age. That 1998 Cubs team will forever remain my favorite team of all time, and this marks the end of that team in the major leagues. Kerry Wood was the last member to still be playing baseball. And a part of me always remembered that anytime I saw Wood take the mound. I will never have that experience again. I won't see a player and instantly be taken back to Sosa's historic season, Glenallen Hill hitting absolute bombs, Oh Henry! bars covering the field, Gary Gaetti crushing the ball after being a late season pickup, Rod Beck's heart attack inducing saves, hell, even Brant Brown's drop brings back nostalgia, but now it's gone. I won't watch life baseball and be taken back to that team.

Honestly, that sucks. But even though Kerry Wood's career may have not lived up to the hype, it certainly didn't suck. It was awesome. I came around about 20 years too late to see Ernie Banks, and although he'll never be Mr. Cub, Kerry Wood is my generation's version of it.

He put himself on the map in his fifth start because of his strikeouts. In a storybook ending, he finished his career like this.

We'll miss you, Kerry. Thanks for the memories.

Rebuilding The Cubs

So, over a year ago, I gave my ideas on how to fix the Cubs. You can check that out here, here, here, and here. Sadly, the way I began that piece is still relevant today, so I'll just copy and paste it to save myself time thinking of a clever opener:

The Cubs suck. They're an old, overpaid, boring team, and there's very little to like about the entire organization. They have some unmovable contracts, some tough to move contracts, and a lot of shitty players. Still, I think I could get them back in the race soon. Here is how I would do it.

I figure the Cubs are actively searching for a GM, and I cannot imagine that their search doesn't immediately start in the blogosphere, so here is my application Cubs. I hope you don't mind having more rings than fingers.

1. Hire Hott Joe as General Manager

This is an obvious first step, because without making me general manager, it's going to be tough for me to convince other teams to trade with me. Also, as much as I think Jim Hendry is a great guy, the Cubs GM position needed more Hottness, and I bring an abundance of that.

2. Trade Matt Garza to the New York Yankees for 1B Jesus Montero and OF Slade Heathcott.

Getting a prospect on the level of Jesus Montero is an awesome haul for the Cubs. The guy has huge potential and he's ready to step in and be the Cubs everyday first baseman right away. Sure, the defense may not be pretty at times, but I will gladly take that for a guy with the potential to mash. So why would the Yankees give that up for a guy who may only be a number three starter? Well, the Red Sox and Yankees are both looking for pitching this offseason, and even if they sign C.J. Wilson, they're still going to be looking for more. I will have the Red Sox and Yankees bid against each other to the point that the Yankees will even throw in Slade Heathcott as a bonus for me. Sure Heathcott hasn't shown he can hit, but he's got tools, and my Cubs will be total tool whores when it comes to our farm system.

3. 3-Way Trade
Rays Receive C Geovany Soto and P Chris Carpenter from the Cubs and 1B Yonder Alonso and SS Billy Hamilton from the Reds
Cubs Receive C Yasmani Grandal and OF Yorman Rodriguez from the Reds
Reds Receive P James Shields from the Rays and P Jeff Samardzija from the Cubs

Okay, I'll admit it. I really wanted to find a way to get Yasmani Grandal on the Cubs. At first, I created a simple deal involving Soto from the Cubs and Niemann from the Rays, but then I realized the Rays could just trade Niemann to the Reds for Grandal and cut me out of the deal altogether. Well, fuck you, Andrew Friedman, that shit ain't gonna fly you sneaky son of a bitch (Andrew, if you're reading this, that was all false bravado. Can't wait to work with you in the future, but seriously, don't you dare cut me out of this deal). So why does everybody do this?

Well I do it, because I get a rookie catcher who can come in and start right away and a prospect that is loaded with tools, so, even though he's no Todd Hundley, it's still pretty awesome for me.

The Reds get an anchor for their staff, and Dusty hates young players anyway, so they might as well trade these prospects for people who will actually get playing time. They also get Jeff Samardzija, which not only gives them a good relief arm, but also makes them favorites if the MLB starts a flag football game for All-Star festivities.

The Rays do it, because they have a plethora of starting pitching right now, and they've only got one more year with James Shields before he's a free agent. They get a reliable catcher and Carpenter hit 100 MPH on the gun on Arizona, so that's cool. And they fill a hole at first baseman/DH and get the fastest middle infield prospect in the universe.

Win-Win-Win.

4. Trade P Carlos Marmol to the Marlins for OF Logan Morrison.

The Marlins closer may not be allowed in the country. Ozzie Guillen loves Hispanic players. Carlos Marmol is a HISPANIC CLOSER. This is too good to be true. Jeff Loria is crazy enough to do it too. The Marlins get what they want, and LoMo instantly becomes a fan favorite in Chicago and probably all over the world since he will finally be playing in front of fans. Let the Internet rejoice, I have freed LoMo.

5. Trade Alfonso Soriano to the Red Sox for John Lackey.

Nobody would be crazy enough to trade for Alfonso Soriano, and nobody would be crazy enough to trade for John Lackey. Hence, there are two teams crazy enough to trade with each other. J.D. Drew's contract is up, so they can fill right field with Soriano. Lackey is persona non grata in Boston, so trade him to the Cubs where they love all players (except for Milton Bradley). Plus, with Lackey (allegedly) going through a divorce, maybe he can hit up the Wrigleyville bars and find himself a nice young lady.

6. Let Aramis Ramirez walk in free agency.

Nothing against A-Ram, but I'm not exactly focused on the next couple years when he will have the most value. We're blowing shit up here, so A-Ram can sign with a contender and win himself a World Series ring before we take over the MLB in a few years.

Okay, so I'm going to be completely honest about something. It's a good thing I wrote out my plan before following through with it, because I got to the end of this post and realized I didn't have a third baseman. Whoops. If I'm desperate, I'll give the job to Ryan Flaherty, and if I can get the Mariners to take all of his salary, I'll put Chone Figgins there, because he's scrappy, and 2012 is not a year to focus on good, so being scrappy will make us beloved.

7. Get the band back together.

Oh, you have no idea what that means? It means this. We've got Zambrano, Wood will resign for minimum wage (not major league minimum, Illinois minimum wage; that man loves the Cubs), so it's time to bring the boys back together. Mark Prior gets signed to a minor league deal, personal favorite Juan Cruz gets signed to help out the bullpen, and if Matt Clement still has a right arm, I'll throw him a minor league deal and send him to the Midwest League (yes, I know that's against MWL rules, but just roll with it). This team is not going to be good in 2012, they might as well remind people of 2003, the last Cubs team that was actually likable.

8. Brett Jackson starts the year in the Majors.

And he's playing center field, Marlon Byrd is moving over to right, LoMo in left. That's not a good outfield, but it's an outfield, and we are saving a ton of money with all of my cost-cutting maneuvers.

9. Spend in the draft and the international market like money has never been spent before.

We are going to make Bud Selig's head explode with the money that we are going to spend on amateur players. We are going to walk into a Dominican tent and make it rain on the best 16 year olds money can buy. Any signability concern in the draft will be laughed at as we draft away and meet the demands of greedy little 18 year olds. Hell, I might even hire a Canadian to go into Cuba and smuggle me some ballplayers. I probably shouldn't write that for legal purposes, but I'll just say it was a very convenient coincidence.

10. Sign Tom Gorzelanny and Rich Harden.

I love both these guys. Gorzelanny gives us a lefty for the rotation that will give us quality innings, yet nobody gives the guy any love. Rich Harden is immediately sent to the bullpen to become the greatest closer ever. I am honestly not sure if he'll ever give up a run.

Um, so what the hell does this all mean?

Even with my outrageous spending on amateur talent, I have saved a ton of money. But that's not what Cubs fans are interested in; they want to know what the product on the field looks like. With that being said, here is our lineup and starting rotation:

Batting Order:
1. RF - Marlon Byrd
2. LF - Logan Morrison
3. SS - Starlin Castro
4. 1B - Jesus Montero
5. CF - Brett Jackson
6. C - Yasmani Grandal
7. 3B - Ryan Flaherty/Chone Figgins
8. 2B - Darwin Barney
9. SP

Pitching Rotation:
1. Ryan Dempster
2. Randy Wells
3. Tom Gorzelanny
4. John Lackey
5. Carlos Zambrano

Is this a good team? Well, if everything breaks right...no, the answer is no, it's not a good team. In fact, it's quite a bad team, but this is a necessity. And it's a young team that people can get behind. They've got veteran pitching and a very young lineup. They're good for about 70 wins, which this year's team did and spent way more money than I am going to spend, but the building blocks are there for the future.

Also, I'm keeping Mike Quade as manager, and here's why: Most likely, this Cubs team has no chance of competing until 2014. I know Cubs fans aren't going to like that, so after two years of failure, I'll bring in Ryne Sandberg as manager for positive PR, and to ensure that I have three more years as GM. When the team explodes in 2014 or 2015, we'll both look like geniuses, and I will have my choice of the thoroughbred dimepieces of Chicago. Bravo me.

-Joe

P.S. Speaking of Cubs, I'm still rooting for Adam Greenberg and you should be too.