The WWE Is Ruining... Zack Ryder

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, I look at Woo Woo Woo, You Know It, Zack Ryder.

The only reason you know Zack Ryder is because of Zack Ryder. The WWE is not in the business of helping Zack Ryder get over, but Zack Ryder changed the game in what wrestlers could truly do on their own while in the WWE by starting his own YouTube show, Z! True Long Island Story. This was Being The Elite before Being The Elite. It was stupid, ridiculous, and wonderful, and it built such a following that the WWE couldn't stop denying how over Ryder had gotten without actually being on television.

The WWE started putting him on television but never gave him a significant push, and let's not forget how over he was at the time. There were "We Want Ryder" chants during Raws, Pay Per Views, and even during The Rock's promo one time. I own a stupid looking t-shirt to prove how over this dude was.

And yet, the WWE did as little as they could with it. The WWE did take over possession of his YouTube show to launch their own channel, but it quickly lost its magic and died out shortly after that.

Years later, it led to Ryder winning the Intercontinental Championship at WrestleMania, but he lost it the next night on Raw, so it was not the most memorable title reign in history. After that, his most memorable moments involved tagging with Mojo Rawley who had more impact on NXT than they did with anything on the main roster.

Since then, he has tagged with Curt Hawkins, No Way Jose, Tyler Breeze, and Tye Dillinger. He tagged with No Way Jose twice, so you probably remember those very important matches on Main Event.

Basically, he hasn't done shit.

In my piece on Curt Hawkins, I recommended getting the Major Bros back together, and it's not a bad plan for either guy. Honestly, I think it's about the best that the WWE can do for Zack Ryder.

That is why, possibly more than anybody else on the roster, Zack Ryder needs to leave the WWE and go to All Elite Wrestling. AEW's aim seems to bring variety and fun back to wrestling. Joey Janela isn't some amazing technician, MJF is still in the process of getting better, and Cody is very good, but not anywhere near the best wrestler in the world conversation. Still, these guys bring other things to the table that get people invested in their matches, and Zack Ryder would fit perfectly in that sort of environment. Ryder's career would go from completely unimportant to one of the most fascinating additions to the hottest brand in wrestling.

WWE is ruining Zack Ryder, and although Ryder is a lifelong fan who seems to love WWE. If he truly loves it, he must let it go on his way to All Elite Wrestling.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Goldust
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Shinsuke Nakamura
Tyler Breeze

The WWE Is Ruining... Curt Hawkins

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, we look at Curt Hawkins who needs to look to the past to find his redemption.

Curt Hawkins has been on a bit of a losing streak. The last time he didn't lose was back in February of 2017 against Dean Ambrose. He didn't win the match, but he at least got a no contest, which is basically like winning a title when it comes to Hawkins. In October 2016, he did beat something called Chase Silver in a dark match, but I'm not even sure if we can count that. But earlier in that month, in his very first match since resigning full time with the WWE, he beat Apollo Crews. He has not won in any sort of match since.

As rough of a go as Hawkins has had, it has been even rougher for his tag partners. Since signing with the WWE, he has teamed with Zack Ryder, Caylen Croft, Vance Archer, Tyler Reks, and Val Venis in 2014, five years after he was released by the WWE. So three of those guys retired, two in their relative physical prime, one was released by WWE although he has had success in the tag division overseas, and one guy probably wished he got released, because the WWE has done everything they can to choke off his self-made popularity. It is not a great idea to tag up with Curt Hawkins.

So what should the WWE do? Well, as bad as tag teaming has been for his partners, one of them actually did manage to stick around the WWE and even start a podcast with his former partner, so let's get Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins officially back together. Are they going to immediately be one of the better tag teams on the Raw roster? No, but they will be a tag team that makes sense, and that should put them in title contention when you have a team like Chad Gable and Bobby Roode as champions. Their main objective will be getting heel tag teams over, but as a tag team, they are strong enough to get on the occasional hot streak and threaten the champs. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a huge step up from where they are right now, and if you actually let these guys show their personality, they have the chance to build a real fanbase and become a very interesting tag team.

There is no reason not to do it, so I do not expect it to happen anytime soon.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Shinsuke Nakamura
Tyler Breeze

The Ultimate WWE Fantasy Draft - Part Two

With Smackdown moving to a live show on Tuesdays, there are plenty of rumors about an upcoming brand split for the WWE. Instead of waiting for the WWE to pull off a disappointing draft routine, the ultimate tag team, Lukewarm Jonah and Hott Joe, came together this past week to have an old fashioned WWE Fantasy Draft. Our goal is to create the best possible roster to create a successful, moneymaking product.

Some things to know before we get started is that you draft guys for what they are likely to do in the future. The Rock is in this draft, but you don't get to draft him as a full-time wrestler, but he can be used 1-2 times a year to talk for a half hour and boost ratings. Another thing is that wrestlers automatically got their managers with them, so Miz comes with Maryse. Also, tag teams must be taken in pairs, and they must be taken with the first of your two back-to-back picks since we did a snake draft. For New Day, they would take up the person's next three picks, but they would stay together. And to create this list, we used the list of WWE personnel on Wikipedia, so our main roster included 118 picks. And that does not include NXT Superstars (Supplemental Draft) or Mr. McMahon, who is ominpresent for our purposes.

Since Jonah is a true gentleman, he offered me the first pick, and from there, we will have two picks each through the rest of the draft. We did part one yesterday, so let's move onto part two where everybody is still relevant.

40-41. Joe selects Emma and Shane McMahon
Outside of Sasha Banks, I think Emma is my favorite Diva. I think Becky Lynch and Paige get more credit as wrestlers, but Emma has had nothing but good to great matches down in NXT, so if you pair her with top talent, she can deliver top matches. I also added Shane McMahon, because people love Shane McMahon.

42-43. Jonah selects Jack Swagger and William Regal.
Emma is awesome, and she would have been my pick here, but I obviously disagree and think that Lynch and Paige are both better.  Jack Swagger is a wrestler who they just booked into absolute jobberdom.  He was a world champion early, then was booked into oblivion.  What people forget is that it took maybe a month or two to reestablish him as a top wrestler and he fought for the World Title at Wrestlemania after losing every match for years.  He’s a great technical wrestler, has a great look, he’s at worst a midcarder.  William Regal counteracts Shane McMahon as my authority figure.  Regal is also beloved by all and won’t be leaving anytime soon to buy companies or whatever the hell Shane does in his free time.  Also, I don’t care what your GM jumps off of, my GM can beat up your GM.

44-45. Joe selects Stephanie McMahon and Dana Brooke
And then I selected the counterparts of my previous round. Stephanie balances out Shane and gives Triple H his lady buddy. And Dana Brooke is best with Emma, even though she can also fill the role of helping out Charlotte. She also showed she can put on fun matches when she went up against Asuka.

46-47. Jonah selects Tyler Breeze and Natalya
Joe probably could have waited 10 more rounds to select Stephanie.  I don’t want that poison on my show.  She’s over but she doesn’t ever use that to put anyone else over.  She beats regular female wrestlers, she smacks down male wrestlers, she has Triple Hitis to the max as no one can ever be cooler than her.  Enough hate on Joe’s pick, Breeze hasn’t even been on the main roster a year.  I’ve never seen him in a bad match and his promos in NXT were awesome.  The guy has it all besides needing to be a little taller or weigh a little more I guess.  He’s a new Rick Martel or even Shawn Michaels.  Yeah I went there.  Natalya is fine, I was just getting worried with Joe scooping up women’s wrestlers everywhere.  Natalya puts on great matches, but isn’t a great promo.  I’ll get her a manager and a gimmick that isn’t solely I’m related to Bret Hart.

48-49. Joe selects Undertaker and Zack Ryder
So I basically took every spectacle pick. Undertaker can be around for 1-2 months a year and will elevate whoever he faces at WrestleMania. I'm not an Undertaker guy, but the more I think about the pick, the more I like it. Also, I took Zack Ryder, because Woo Woo Woo, You Know It!

50-51. Jonah selects Fandango and Nikki Bella
By 1-2 months, I assume Joe means 1-2 shows.  Fandango is another talent that has been criminally underused.  Great look, got over with possibly the stupidest gimmick ever, and is a talented wrestler and full of charisma.  I let Johnny Curtis get weird and I think he becomes a legitimate star.  Nikki Bella, the lioness of the women’s division.  Not anywhere near the new NXT wrestlers in terms of skill, but much better than she is given credit for.  Super over, helps add depth to the women’s division, I mean she’s the longest reigning champ in history.

52-53. Joe selects The Vaudevillains
I have another fun tag team, and if I can get Aiden English to sing more, they could get a big time push. They're both really good wrestlers, and they are dependable to put on good matches, so it's always good to add this sort of talented depth.

54-55. Jonah selects The Dudley Boyz
I counter Joe’s selection of a good young tag team with the selection of a good old tag team.  The Dudley Boyz can still be presented as a legitimate tag team.  They don’t have to be booked into oblivion.  Bubba has also shown that he can be a legitimate main event singles wrestler.  That leaves D-Von in the dust, but I think they still have a few good years left in them.

56-57. Joe selects Tyson Kidd and Bo Dallas
Don't forget how great Tyson Kidd and Cesaro were before he got hurt. And adding another super worker is never a bad idea as long as he can come back from an incredibly serious injury. Also, don't stop BO-lieving.

58-59. Jonah selects Erick Rowan and Naomi
Again I had to leave Tyson Kidd for Joe so he could properly take care of Cesaro.  Erick Rowan isn’t great in the ring, but he’s not terrible.  He’s got the size and the look and can be hidden with Wyatt just like Strowman.  He was actually over when he fought against the Authority at that Survivor Series, but they followed that up by jobbing him out to the Big Show which shockingly didn’t turn him into a star.  Naomi is lost in the diva’s revolution, but is still capable of putting on good matches and being a legitimate title contender and doing some cool athletic moves in the ring.

60-61. Joe selects Summer Rae and Heath Slater
I'm one of Summer Rae's biggest fans, and I think she has enough potential to be a great asset for the women's division. Also, Heath Slater is the perfect job guy to throw out there and just let people be dominant.

62-63. Jonah selects Darren Young with Bob Backlund and Alicia Fox
Darren Young will be taking no days off with Bob Backlund.  He’s got a great look and has been good in the ring as well.  Whether he has a singles run, or reunites the Prime Time Players, he’s a valuable asset.  Alicia Fox may be the most underrated diva out there.  Her axe kick is awesome, and her bridging suplex is a thing of beauty.  She will provide quality matches with basically anyone in the division.

64-65. Joe selects Curtis Axel and Mark Henry
I didn't set out to get all of the (remaining) Social Outcasts, but it happened, and I'm good with that. They can fill a role. I don't see Mark Henry ever returning to Hall of Pain level but it's never a bad idea to add a Big Hoss to the team.

66-67. Jonah selects Sin Cara and R-Truth
Sin Cara does fun flippy moves and wears a cool mask.  Again, that’s just a marketable combination.  He can team with Kalisto or they can go their own way in singles action.  Either way the kids will love them.  Speaking of wrestlers the kids love, here comes R-Truth.  He’s stuck in a comedy gimmick, but he’s played that gimmick excellently.  He’s provided some of the legitimately funny moments in the past few years and is a name and an entertainer.

68-69. Joe selects Mauro Ranallo and Corey Graves
It is now the time where announcers have more value than the remaining wrestlers. Mauro Ranallo is an expert play-by-play guy, and Corey Graves has shown himself to be a fantastic color guy. He actually has reasons why he likes and hates guys and sticks with those feelings as opposed to switching back and forth with no reasoning. This is an ideal combo that will actually make people watch my show with the sound on.

70-71. Jonah selects Booker T and Renee Young
Joe gets the scoop on announcers.  I always found Booker T was an entertaining commentator that actually provided insight.  Renee Young is just plain awesome.  I’d like to try her out as a commentator, but if that doesn’t work then at least I’ve got the best interviewer on my show.

72-73. Joe selects Eva Marie and Ryback
Finally, we can get that Eva Marie/Sasha Banks IronWoman match that we've all been waiting for. Since everyone seems to hate Eva Marie, she could be one hell of a heel manager. And if you want her to be a wrestler, she could be a prettier, less talented Heath Slater to help my women get some squash matches under their belt. Ryback may be done with wrestling, or he may read an inspirational book and come back better than ever.

74-75. Jonah selects The Usos
To repeat what I said when I made this pick, ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.  I really don’t like the Usos, but the value was far too great here.  Former tag team champions getting picked after Eva Marie is a smart move.  If they continue to suck and piss me off at the very least they can put over every other team.  Oh and since Roman Reigns is on my roster I’m instituting a restraining order between them.

76-77. Joe selects Goldust and Cathy Kelley
Remember when Goldust got in a meaningful angle against The Shield a few years ago and he was doing the best wrestling of his career? Well, maybe if we can find something meaningful for him, and reignite that fire. Also, Cathy Kelley is basically a younger, brunette Renee Young, so she'll do just fine for backstage interviews.

78-79. Jonah selects Michael Cole and Tamina
Michael Cole is the voice of the WWE.  He has actually become a decent commentator even though he can still be pretty annoying he delivers the news straightforward and respectable.  His interview show is also pretty entertaining as well, so some combination of him, Booker T and Renee Young will make for a good commentary/interview team.

The 10 Best Things In The WWE: April 2016

As the old saying goes, April showers bring May Flowers. In the WWE, the saying goes, April Shaners bring May Kaners. That's right, Shane O'Mac is going to bring back Kane to keep him in power for April. Did I come up with this opening very late at night while needing to get some sleep? You betcha, but April had WrestleMania, and the most debuts ever. It's been crazy, and this will definitely be the most competitive month that we have had in 2016.

Honorable Mention: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, The Vaudevillains, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Stardust, Apollo Crews, Charlotte, Becky Lynch, Sasha Banks, and New Day. Yeah, this month was so stacked that I couldn't include The New Day. That's insane, but it was partially helped by them taking the month off. Now onto the top 10.

10. Zack Ryder (Last Month: Uh, was he even employed?)
Let us never forget his Intercontinental Title reign. It was a great moment. Scott Hall held his belt, and we learned that Ryder overcame cancer as a child. Zack Ryder is great. Woo Woo Woo, You Know It!

9. Shane McMahon (Last Month: 10)
He went through a dang table. Yeah, the rest of his match was garbage. But still, that table spot made me ill to my stomach watching him on top of the cage. That's good work right there.

8. Baron Corbin (Last Month: Feuding with midgets)
It was always just a matter of time for Baron Corbin, as the guy really started to get it once he became a heel, and he was already blessed with a frame that the WWE loves. He made an impact with his debut, winning the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Now he's feuding with Dolph Ziggler which is just about the best possible feud for both guys. It doesn't matter who wins, because both guys will look good for being involved in it.

7. The Miz (Last Month: Bring back Mizdow)
So we have the most stacked month of WWE greatness, and still, The Miz makes the list? Yes, and deservedly so as The Miz has quietly been kind of excellent lately. His in-ring stuff is only solid, but they're accentuating what he does well. In a ladder match, he can pop up for short periods, hit a big spot and disappear for a while, and now he just does talking where he tricks poor Zack Ryder to take the title and is a total shitheel which is perfect as everyone wants to see Cesaro annihilate him from this Earth. On top of that, Maryse is a great addition for The Miz, as him having his wife accompany him is somehow an awful heel move when done by Miz. Just a great month for him.

6. Chris Jericho (Last Month: 6) 
Bad Jericho is back, which is great for business. Let's face it, Jericho was always best as a heel, and lately, he hasn't really found a good niche as a good guy or bad guy. But he's finally found that niche as a heel who hates guys who were beloved on the independents, and it looks like he's having a lot of fun with it, so it's been fun for everybody. Jericho is still putting on great matches, and his character work has been great lately. He'll probably be gone soon, so take a moment to enjoy how great of a professional wrestler Chris Jericho is.

5. AJ Styles (Last Month: 7)
Styles has quickly adjusted to the WWE style, and he might even win a World Title in a couple days. He keeps putting on fun matches, and he has the whole crowd behind him. Is he great at speaking? No, but he doesn't have to be to still be great.

4. Cesaro (Last Month: Probably saving the world with his freakish strength)
Cesaro is another guy who doesn't have to be great at speaking to still be great, but pairing him with The Miz is a really good call. Cesaro could wrestle a broomstick and get a great match out of it, so that's never an issue, but since The Miz is such a nerd, it's easy for Cesaro to play the cool guy. Suitsaro is a character I can definitely get fully behind (almost as great as US Champion Cesaro who loved the USA but hated Americans). But Cesaro's the greatest. He should never lose, ever, and we should enjoy every day that we get to share the Earth with him.

Oh, and how awful was it that the day before Cesaro debuted his ripaway suit, The Rock ripped away his clothes to reveal his wrestling gear underneath? Damnit, Rock, you somehow unintentionally buried someone almost as well as you intentionally do it.

3. Kevin Owens (Last Month: 1)
Kevin Owens continues to be great. He was a central part of that incredible ladder match at Mania, and he has continued to be great with every interaction he has. Finally, he gets to face Sami Zayn, and, well...let's just get to the next guy.

2. Sami Zayn (Last Month: 8)
I have made no efforts to hide my love for Sami Zayn. He's wonderful, and it's great to see him on the main roster. He has fought back to take on his arch nemesis, so this is finally time for his revenge. So we all know what's going to happen? Yeah, Sami is losing. He has to lose; that's what Sami Zayn does. He makes us care and loses, and somehow we never stop caring, because, man, do we want the best for Sami. He's put on nothing but fun matches since he got moved up, and that's not going to stop anytime soon.

1. Enzo and Cass (Last Month: Realest guys in the room, now realest guys in largest room)
Enzo has been the hottest of fire on the microphone since getting promoted. They could not have done any better with any second of the opportunity that they have been given. They didn't even wrestle on the biggest card of the year this month, and they still take the top spot, and I must say that it has a lot to do with Enzo having maybe the best one-liner of the last decade, "We're like A cups, because we're real, whether you like us or not." I don't even have the words to describe how perfect that line is. Bless you, Enzo and Cass. You are the realest guys in the room.

How you doin.

The Spoiled Florida Wrestling Fan

Florida has a lot of great attributes. As a person from Iowa, the biggest thing is that it is warm, because, especially this time of the year, living up north is the absolute worst. But as a wrestling fan, the second greatest aspect of living in Florida is that it is the headquarters of WWE's developmental system, which means I get an abundance of great minor league wrestling. Since I have lived my entire life without it, I know how blessed I am. However, some Florida fans are getting a tad entitled with how great things have been.

Now, obviously this is most obvious at the NXT Tapings in Orlando. These people went from not giving a crap about FCW in Tampa, to needing WWE Superstars to attend before they would support NXT, to now feeling as if they are the best fans in wrestling, because they chant through matches. Having NXT putting on ridiculous shows is definitely spoiling them, and it is good that NXT is traveling now, ecause the entire world deserves to see this.

This, of course, irritates the shit out of the Florida wrestling fan, as they feel like they are getting the short stick when really, they are still getting the longest stick; it's just that others now get to pull sticks as well. They have already lost out on the biggest Takeover events, and it's probably just a matter of time before they lose out on all of them and are left with just the tapings. It just makes sense to put it in front of 5000 people instead of 500.

And this transition really hit me last weekend when I went to an NXT house show in Largo at The Minnreg Hall (basically the ECW Arena of Western Florida). Because NXT has expanded to the point where they were not only doing a house show in Florida, but also one up in Pittsburgh, PA. At that show, they had Finn Balor, Samoa Joe, Bayley, and most importantly, American Alpha. That left us with Asuka, The Hype Bros, and Bull Dempsey may have been the only non-jobbers on the show. And Bull Dempsey just got fired, so it wasn't a stacked card.

Despite that, it's still a lot of talent. I mean, you're not finding many independent shows with a better roster than the B-show for NXT. Not only did I get to see one of Bull Dempsey's last matches, but I got to see Alexander Wolfe and Angelo Dawkins, and even Blake and Murphy without being distracted by that vixen, Alexa Bliss.

Speaking of Blake and Murphy, them being on the B-Show really gave them a chance to shine, and shine they did. They main evented against the Hype Bros and were CLEARLY having a competition on who could bump more ridiculously throughout the match. It was phenomenal.

So yeah, maybe the card on paper kind of sucked, but I got to see Asuka kick the crap out of a girl, Zack Ryder be a triumphant Broski, wrestlers representing all sorts of foreign countries, and Blake and Murphy steal the show. That's a really great night of wrestling, and even a spoiled wrestling fan should appreciate that.

NXT and the Land of Forgotten Toys

NXT is the hottest thing in pro wrestling. It's great, as it gives you a glimpse into the WWE's future, and the future is clearly bright. That's what everybody talks about, but there is another, admittedly smaller, aspect of NXT, and that is the wrestlers who have had success before who are trying to build back up to main roster relevancy. These are the forgotten toys of the WWE. They're not bad; it's just that fans haven't really thought about why they loved them so much before, and NXT is giving them that chance to bust out of the toy chest and back into the main rotation.

Zack Ryder
Let's start with the most insane example. Zack Ryder was a huge deal. Z! True Long Island Story changed how WWE treated the internet. Honestly, I'm not sure if the WWE Network exists without Zack Ryder getting the ball rolling. That show sparked WWE getting a YouTube channel, so yeah, he was way ahead of the curve when it came to pro wrestling and technology.

He used that to create a huge following and even a US Title run. Unfortunately, the WWE never really knew what to do with him; they just knew that fans really liked him. They didn't understand that fans related to him, and although he was big on the internet, it never really translated to WWE TV.

Even saying that, this is now a guy who isn't just doing NXT Tapings, he's doing the house shows as well. In fact, he even walked around and took pictures with fans before the show. He's now in a tag team with Mojo Rawley, and that is the best thing that could have happened to Mojo, as they have done a good job of hiding his weaknesses in the ring, while exploiting his main attribute, which is energy (also known as staying hyped). It was really cool to get to see Zack Ryder, but he's a guy who can still make an impact on Raw.

One more thing: Zack Ryder is a true professional where there is no job he won't do. He proved that by taking the pin to Dash and Dawson at an NXT House show.

Emma
I feel like the entire world has forgotten that Emma was the shit. Before the "Divas Revolution" took form with the Four Horsewomen, Emma was on Paige's level, and they were tearing it up on NXT. They were the two dominant women wrestlers, making it to the finals of the inaugural Women's Title Tournament when Sasha Banks and Bayley were too green to make an impact.

Emma came in as this Australian lady that people were kind of indifferent towards, and she became beloved due to some awkward dancing and some damn fine wrestling. Unfortunately, the WWE could only focus on the former when they brought her up to the main roster and made her a comedy act with Santino. It did not go well, as they just aimlessly had her wander around until Santino retired. There was also a day where she was fired from stealing from Wal-Mart, but seriously, people should steal from Wal-Mart. She was hired back the next day, but they never really put her into anything meaningful on Raw.

Now, she has paired with Dana Brooke, and she's back to putting on good matches on NXT. She seems to be more of the sidekick in that team, which is insane, but it's at least leading to something positive. But it was a little shocking to see her at an NXT house show surrounded by up-and-comers as opposed to someone who has already shown she belongs. It's great for a fan who lives in Florida, but I'm still hoping she gets the chance to rejoin the Raw roster soon.

Tyler Breeze
The last person I want to talk about is Tyler Breeze. He doesn't fit into the same mold as the previous two people, as he has only had one match on Raw. But Tyler Breeze seems like he is, at best, getting passed by, and at worst, he's being forgotten. Sure, he's always around, but he's more there to make others feel important than actually being important. Back to that Raw match; the reason he was there was to promote the main event for NXT Takeover. This is a guy that was in the main event of the second Takeover, where he wrestled in a Fatal 4-Way with Adrian Neville, Sami Zayn, and Tyson Kidd. And it would not have been all that surprising if Breeze won that match.

And now, he's just there. Don't get me wrong; he's still putting on great matches, and his entrances at Takeover events are always a highlight, but there doesn't seem to be any direction to where he's going. I know wins and losses don't matter in the long run, but the guys who have gotten pushes onto the main roster have been NXT Champions, cultist hillbillies, and Xavier Woods. Tyler Breeze doesn't fit into any of those categories (although when you think about it, he's not too far from the Xavier Woods category). Next up, he's got Apollo Crews, and it should be another great match from Breeze, because it was pretty great when I saw it at a house show in Largo. But let's be real: Breeze ain't winning that match, and I don't know where he goes from there.

The goal is that WWE is just giving Tyler Breeze the beginning of his own "Chris Jericho: Conspiracy Theorist" angle, and Breeze turns into the most fun wrestling character on the planet. That would be ideal, but I would settle for John Cena restarting the US Title Open Challenge and immediately be defeated by Tyler Breeze. Is that too much to ask?

My Predictions for the 2014 Royal Rumble

The Royal Rumble is the greatest single match of the year. Yes, a WrestleMania main event is great, and Money in the Bank is awesome, but I have been looking forward to the Royal Rumble since the last Royal Rumble. Even crappy battle royals that Zack Ryder wins excite me. The Royal Rumble is the best. Here are all of my predictions for the event.

First off, Randy Orton will beat John Cena. John Cena's match at Mania is always important, because it's John Cena. Orton needs the belt to be important, so I think he holds onto it for this match. Also, I think Cena does something with Hogan involved at Mania.

Next, Lesnar is beating The Big Show. No doubt about it.

I'm actually going to pick Bray Wyatt over Daniel Bryan. They clearly want to elevate Wyatt, and this seems like the best way to do it.

Cody Rhodes and Goldust will beat the New Age Outlaws. At least, I really hope they do. They were the team that was good enough to beat the unbeatable tag team, The Shield, so they probably shouldn't lose to two retired guys who are well past their best days.

There will be a surprise appearance from an NXT Superstar. That person will be Sami Zayn. Most of the WWE Universe will have no response. I will start cheering from my house. He will eliminate my favorite wrestler, Antonio Cesaro. They will begin a feud against each other. Everyone will watch these two wrestle and have the wonderful moment of, "Holy shit, these guys are awesome." An angel will get its wings.

Chris Jericho will be a surprise entrant, because why not. And no, I'm not going to take the time to look up Fozzy's tour schedule to see if that is even possible.

Sheamus will come back for the Rumble. He's been out for a really long time, so this seems like a good time for him to come back.

Dolph Ziggler comes back for the Rumble. At least I hope so, because that will mean that he no longer has any ill effects from his concussion.

Finally, Daniel Bryan will win the Royal Rumble. Yeah, I have him losing his singles match, but that makes it the ultimate emotional rollercoaster for Bryan supporters. And who is a better guy to face Orton at Mania? Batista? That's boring, and Mania is all about mainstream publicity. Daniel Bryan is the kind of feel good story that they can put on the national media. They can point to his famous yes chants that have taken over at sporting events. Daniel Bryan is finally done being the underdog, as he's on his way to being the big dog of the WWE.

WrestleMania XXVIII Gambling Predictions

Yes, it's true, WrestleMania is on the online books to be gambled upon for everyone's enjoyment. Now I cannot recommend doing this, because it is shady and stuff, so the U.S. government frowns on it. But it would be a disservice to the world if I did not give some advice on where you should place your money, especially for all of my international readers (I've been blowing up in Poland lately).

Beth Phoenix & Eve (+300) over Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos (-400)
Let's start with a big time upset. Celebrities are not invincible at WrestleMania. Just look at Pete Rose who gets his ass kicked by Kane anytime he shows up. I don't see Maria Menounos as some big-time celebrity who needs to win at Mania. The only thing that could ruin this bet is if Menounos, who is rumored to have a rib injury, has to pull out of the match, which would mean that they could replace her with Kharma.

So yeah, if she comes back, then it's bad news for Beth & Eve.

Kane (+375) over Randy Orton (-550)
I have gone back and forth on this one. Initially, I thought Randy Orton would win, because it makes no sense for Kane to win. Then, I got to thinking, it really makes no sense for Orton to win either. Both of these guys could lose, and it wouldn't hurt them at all. But, because of my pick in the World Heavyweight Title match, I decided to go with Kane since they could push him to a championship feud after the Sheamus/Daniel Bryan rivalry is over. For a shocking ending, I'll say that the corpse of Katie Vick comes out and helps Kane win.

Big Show (-120) over Cody Rhodes (-120)
Even odds for this match absolutely shocks me. Cody Rhodes has beaten the shit out of the Big Show and embarrassed him every single week leading up to Mania. Big Show has to get his revenge, right? The only way Show loses is if Cody pulls off some bogus win, only to have Show start smashing him after the match to raucous applause.

Sheamus (-350) over Daniel Bryan (+225)
Daniel Bryan has had a good run. He's actually become entertaining on the mic, but his time has come. They'll extend the rivalry a little bit, but then I think it's time for Sheamus to feud with Kane. Cody Rhodes also has a shot of being the heel that feuds for the title next.

Team Johnny (-1000) over Team Teddy (+550)
These odds were much lower earlier, but then everyone came to their senses and realized that there is no way they could put Teddy Long on TV twice a week. He's awful. John Laurinaitis is awesome. Also, for a surprise, I'll say that Team Johnny takes out The Great Khali before the match. Team Teddy searches for a replacement and comes up with Mason Ryan. Everyone gets excited until Mason Ryan turns on Team Teddy and becomes a bad guy who feuds with The Funkasaurus.

Undertaker over Triple H
These odds have been taken off the board, but it was last seen as -1500 for Undertaker. I don't care about either of these guys. I know I have said nothing about this match, but I'm already done.

Chris Jericho (+170) over CM Punk (-250)
I think it only makes sense to give Jericho the victory here. If Punk wins, it basically ends the feud, and then who is Punk going to face? Nobody. If Jericho wins, it continues the feud for a while until a good guy champion can take the belt and face Dolph Ziggler in the summer.

John Cena (-230) over The Rock (+160)
Everybody keeps asking one of two questions: Why would The Rock come back to lose? or Why would The Rock come back if he was just going to lose? Well, The Rock is going to lose, because The Rock realizes it is pro wrestling, and wins and losses don't mean shit in pro wrestling. The Rock once jobbed to The Hurricane, does anybody really think his ego is too big to take a loss? He also grew up in the pro wrestling business, and honestly, the pro wrestling business treated him very well. He actually left pro wrestling in good shape, which may make him the first pro wrestler to ever do that. It's not like people are going to not see GI Joe if The Rock loses to Cena. Shit, I'll be at Fast Six on opening day no matter what happens at WrestleMania. It'll be a back and forth match, Cena will win. They will stand in the ring. Cena will extend his hand for a handshake. The Rock will take his hand and bring him in for a hug. The crowd will go wild as The Rock triumphantly raises Cena's hand as confetti reins down from the rafters and Cena will get his first great face pop in the last six months. All will be well with the world.

Women Law Violation

So my buddy pointed me in the direction of the hashtag Women Law Violation on Twitter like a month ago. I found some amusing tweets, copied them, but couldn't think of anything entertaining at the time to say about the tweets, so they've just been sitting there, ready to be blogged. Well, today is the day that this blog becomes a reality. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you #WomenLawViolation.

drzarbaugh Dean R. Zarbaugh II 
Leaving the kitchen. #womenlawviolation

This is one I used to agree with, but now I vehemently disagree. Have I learned to become a feminist as I have matured? Oh, God no. But I would like to be a kept man, so I need my lady to be out there making that scrilla. Let's face it: I'm far too pretty to work.

inPHamICE Mr. Marcus 

wearing animal print clothes and youre bigger than the animal youre wearing #womenlawviolation

Oh, snap. Mr. Marcus is putting it down on large ladies wearing animal print. About a thousand people wrote this same thing, but I have to disagree again. In fact, if my financials were in order, I might hire a large lady in animal print to stand outside my house so I no longer had to worry about cougar attacks (the animals and the ladies).

stillaCOLEworld you follow, I lead. 

#womenlawviolation refusing to go down, but expecting to receive it.

Wait a sec...guys can do that to girls? Who knew? Must be something desperate guys do.

TheArabPrincess Your Royal Highness 

#WOMENLAWVIOLATION walking around the club barefoot

It may be a women law violation, but it could lead to hilarious results when used in West Coast Dance. Wait a second, this is actually still a very bad idea. My buddies like to break glass more than they like breaking serve. If you see West Coast Dancers at the club, please, keep your shoes on, or you might get lockjaw.

tripstah chris joyner 

@RickeySmiley Not greasing up under the titties #WOMENLAWVIOLATION

I don't even know what this one means, but I promise to never take a girl home until she can assure me that she is greased up under the titties.

bossy_chelle Marchelle Love

#womenlawviolation wearing colored draws with white pants

This is why I don't wear white pants, because I only own exotic underwear. Ladies, if you ever see me in white pants, you may want to throw water on me, because your eyes will get the thrill of a lifetime.

BobbyJComedy Bobby J. 
#WomenLawViolation Telling a Man you got that Wet-Wet but need KY Jelly to get you a jump start!

If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me that she got that wet-wet, I would have zero dollars as I have never heard that phrase before Bobby J's edgy comedy brought it to my attention. It is something that I am going to start asking girls anytime I dance with them at the clubs. I know my dance moves are quite amazing, so I'll be shocked if they don't got that wet-wet, hopefully to the point where they won't even need that KY-Jelly to give them a jumpstart.

-Joe

P.S. Zack Ryder has still got the spot, but Dolph Ziggler is making a hard charge to be the most entertaining wrestler in the WWE. I recommend everyone reads this interview, especially question five where he lets the world know that he's a Natural Light drinker. Natty is like the nWo...it's taking over.

Bronies Are Jabronies

When reader Jacob asked me to write about Bronies, I was confused. At first, I thought he was shortening the word jabronies and he wanted me to write about the worst wrestlers in professional wrestling history. That's an awesome idea for an article, and I still might do it. My next thought was that maybe he was just missing the "w" in brownies, and he feels like it's the best dessert of all time (he'd be wrong, it's cupcakes). But then he told me to Google it, and it was much more disturbing than either of those ideas.

Bronies are adult males who love My Little Pony. Yes, I am talking about this My Little Pony:

So I thought I could write about the men who love My Little Pony, but they really aren't that interesting. They're just a bunch of adults who watch My Little Pony. It's a lot like my group of friends, except we chose the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and because of that, we are not incredibly depressing losers.

But there must be something behind this show. So I decided to watch an episode on YouTube. I have to say I'm not very familiar with the show. I think my sister may have had some of the toys, but my childhood memories of watching cartoons primarily center around G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling. At first I was going to watch Episode 1, so I wouldn't be confused on anything, but it was a two-parter, and I really didn't want to be left with a cliffhanger, so I decided to take my chances and go with Episode 13, "Fall Weather Friends".

:58 - I'm less than a minute in, and I am thanking this YouTube poster for providing a description, because these two characters who are playing a game of Horseshoes have called each other approximately 600 different names while talking shit back and forth. Luckily, I know that the blue Pegasus is Rainbow Dash and the pony with the cowboy hat is Applejack.

1:19 - Applejack wins the game of horseshoes (obviously). Rainbow Dash is pissed, so she does the obvious thing: She challenges Applejack to an iron pony contest.

6:06 - They have been competing in a bunch of stupid events and each keep taking their turn winning. They show eight events, and then announce that they are halfway through and the score is 5-5. I have no idea what the other two events were, but I'm guessing they were not safe to be shown to children.

8:05 - Rainbow Dash proceeds to win the next ten events, because she has wings. I found this outrageous, and so did Applejack, so she calls her out on it. RD's use of wings really parallels Barry Bonds' use of steroids in baseball. Some would argue that there were no rules against it, while others see it as blatant cheating and think that RD and Bonds disgraced their games.

9:31 - They are now running a marathon to see who the best pony is, with one stipulation: There will be no use of wings allowed.

11:14 - There is now a purple horse involved called Twilight. RD and AJ are laughing at her, because she's a nerd and can't win the race. She says she's never run a race but has read books about it. If this bitch, Twilight, wins the race, I'm going to be pissed.

14:35 - I'm pretty sure Joe Buck learned how to announce from this show. These announcers are the worst, especially Pinkie Pie. The show is in on the joke, which I'm sure nerds love, but it doesn't make it less annoying.

20:20 - RD and AJ battle it out and tumble to the finish line. They tie...for last place. Twilight took fifth, so at least I don't have to be pissed.

21:30 - Some Super Princess Pony teaches them a valuable lesson about behaving properly. AJ and RD decide to become great friends, and all is well in Equestria.

So, what did I learn from watching MLP? Not much. The show is tolerable, but not good. I have no interest in becoming a bronie. There's really no room for that in my life. But I am proud to be a Broski. Woo woo woo, you know it.

-Joe

P.S. What's the fastest growing domestic beer? That's right, Natty Light, bitches. Suck on that.

Something Borrowed Wasted Two Hours Of My Life

Something Borrowed is an atrocity. I knew it would be an atrocity. I jokingly talked about seeing this movie, and my brother called my bluff and said he would pay for my ticket. Apparently, I should have taken him up on that offer since I ended up seeing it anyway.

So how did I get suckered into seeing a movie that I knew would make me want to bang my head into a wall? Well, I had the following exchange with my lady friend.
LF: There's a movie I want you to take me to.
Me: Okay, that's reasonable. Before you tell me that movie, can I pick one movie that we never see together?
LF: No.
Me: Please?
LF: No.
Me: Fine, what's the movie?
LF: Something Borrowed.
Me: God damnit.

Of all the movies she could have picked, she picked that one. At least it wasn't Transformers 3.

I honestly don't know how this movie got made. I mean, I look back at this movie, and I am fucking baffled that this shit got the green light for production. This is a romantic comedy that has absolutely none of the latter. I never smirked through this entire film. If you just looked at me throughout the movie, you would assume I was trying to hold still so a bear did not eat me. But what about the romance, you ask? Well, if treating your friends like shit so you can get laid counts as romance, yes, I guess there was a shit-ton of romance. 

The viewer literally learns nothing about these characters outside of who they like and their occupation. The characters didn't anger me as much as I simply didn't care about any of them. Had they died a fiery death, I would have been fine with that, had they found their version of happiness, I couldn't give two shits about that either. I didn't hate them; I really just wanted them to go away.

As bad as this script was, the acting did its best to match. The main girl in the film went to her constipation face anytime something serious was happening. I hope that she takes SuperPump 250 (Also known as SuperDump) to get her in the zone.

The rest of the acting was bad, but not noteworthy. And that's the best way to sum up this movie. It's bad, but it's so inconsequential that it's hardly noteworthy. It's not as bad as Transformers, The Dukes of Hazzard, or Valentine's Day, but at least those movies were bad enough to be remembered. The most positive thing to say about this movie is that it will fade away without anybody really remembering it at all. It's as consequential as a speck of dust on a coffee table, except that dust particle wouldn't waste two hours of your life.

-Joe

P.S. The worst part about this movie is that I missed Zack Ryder fist pumping the shit out of RAW.

Now I'll never be Broski of the Week.

P.P.S. Here's audio of Tyler Hansborough reading Chicken Little. You're welcome.

The Ultimate Guys' Week

My brother and I have been looking forward to this week for months. At first, we just thought a few awesome things would happen during this week, but then we realized that more and more awesome activities kept popping up. That is why April  25-May 2 is The Ultimate Guys' Week. Now clearly every week is Guys' Week, so what makes this The Ultimate Guys' Week? Oh, let me show you the ways. Here is your agenda for this extravaganza.

NBA Playoffs - All Week
Have you seen Derrick Rose? No, seriously, have you seen Derrick Rose? Holy shit, watching him play basketball gets me so excited that I'd probably bang an HB7 (only people familiar with the seduction community will understand that reference). Also, there's some other teams hoping for second place.

NHL Playoffs - All Week
Since I'm not Canadian, I really don't care about the NHL but I figured I should at least put it on the list. Plus, I'm only going to cover one event taking place in Canada this week, and that's not until Saturday. If Roenick's still playing, I'll root for whatever team he is on.

WWE Tough Enough - Monday

Stone Cold is undeniably awesome, and he shines on this show. Plus it's got Hugh Morrus (get it?) who is awesome, and Booker T who definitely has some West Coast Dance moves. To top it off, they've got eye candy with Trish Stratus. That last part puts it over the edge and makes it the only reality show that is essential viewing for Guys' Week (My apologies to The Ultimate Fighter).

Monday Night RAW - Monday
Because pro wrestling is ultra-manly, so it's a great way to start off the week. And it's going to be an extra awesome show as it's the WWE Draft. Smackdown guys could go to RAW, RAW guys could go to Smackdown, and Superstars like Zack Ryder (more on him later) may finally get on television.

The A-Team - Tuesday
Since nothing outside of the playoffs is happening on Tuesday night, it'd be a great time to add to your testosterone by buying The A-Team on DVD or Blue-Ray and watching it. Tuesday would also be a good time to have some flapjacks, the official meal of the lumberjack (an ultra manly occupation). Actually, scratch that, every day of this week would be a good time to have some flapjacks.

South Park - Wednesday
Season premiere of the greatest cartoon ever made. Plus, chicks hate cartoons, making them extra manly.

Z! True Long Island Story - Thursday

If you're not watching the hottest new show on YouTube, then you're really missing out. I don't care if you're an Edge Head or a part of Cenation, after watching one episode of this show, Zack Ryder will become your favorite wrestler, and you'll be hoping for the day that you can become Broski of the Week. Woo Woo Woo...You Know It!

Parks And Recreation - Thursday

Because Ron Swanson is the Charles Bronson of sitcoms.

NFL Draft - Thursday-Saturday
Real men love the NFL Draft, because no matter how bad your team is, this is the event that gives all people hope (except when your favorite team trades away a bunch of picks to pick up a shitty quarterback like Jay Cutler). I recommend watching on NFL Network, because ESPN's Draft "Experts" are about as useful as women when it comes to their knowledge of football. And, as guys, we all know women don't know anything about awesome things like football. Man, women sure are worthless (although you and I are not in the same place, I totally have my hand up for a virtual high-five).

Fast Five - Friday
A lot of people see previews for this movie and dismissively think it will just be another stupid Vin Diesel movie. I look at these previews and realize that it will just be another AWESOME Vin Diesel movie. These guys live their lives a quarter mile at a time. They have avoided the police for 10 years despite driving nothing but gaudy looking cars. In the last movie, Paul Walker was helping Diesel with his car, but left and told him that he'd be right back. He then proceeded to bang Diesel's sister. That's the boldest move of anyone in movie history. But something tells me that these guys' luck may run out. What is that something? THE ROCK. The Rock vs. Vin Diesel is the greatest matchup of badasses in movie history. I fully expect my testicles to suffer from elephantitis by the time this movie is over.

Friday Night Smackdown - Friday
The first show after the draft, and the last show before the PPV. Plus it ends by 9:00 CST giving you plenty of time to drift afterwards if you're still jacked up after Fast Five.

UFC 129 - Saturday
Even if you don't like hockey, there is reason to give attention to the Canadians during The Ultimate Guys' Week. Up in Canada, there is a fantastic card featuring two title fights involving Canadians. Mark Hominick goes against Jose Aldo for the featherweight title, and Georges St. Pierre defends his title against Jake Shields. If that's not enough, the card also features Randy Couture taking on evil karate expert Lyoto Machida (Basically, if you practice karate and you're not the Karate Kid, it means that you use your karate for evil). Even if you don't follow MMA, all you need to know is that its violence, and violence is fucking awesome (so is cussing).

WWE Extreme Rules - Sunday
It's like MMA, only with weapons (while substituting reality), so it never fails to entertain.

WWE Tough Enough/Monday Night Raw - Monday
What's that you say? There's only seven days in a week. This is The Ultimate Guys' Week, so you're lucky that I'm ending it after ONLY eight days. And yes, we need eight days for all this testosterone boosting action. We end where we started with Monday Night Raw rocking our jock off. And yes, I wear a jockstrap while watching wrestling, as well as a number of other activities. It's what badasses do. Speaking of badasses, this marks the return of The Rock, as he will be celebrating his birthday.

The Ultimate Guys' Week could be the greatest eight days of your life. Even though this week is for the fellas, don't worry ladies, you can still be used to satisfy our carnal urges...and for cooking.

-Joe

P.S. You know what's manly? Michael Jordan raping the Celtics defense, take it away, MJ: