Nuclear Summer IV is the Pump Up Video You Need

What is Nuclear Summer IV? Nuclear Summer IV is amazing. Nuclear Summer IV is our generation's Citizen Kane. Nuclear Summer IV is like a video bible, but for Strength Stallions. Anyway, no matter what I say, it really can't do this justice.
The only thing that I don't like, wait, no, the only thing I don't LOVE about this video is that it has been out for nearly four years and I am just finding out about it. Everything else is totally awesome. I mean, they could focus an entire episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia around Mac seeing this video for the first time. This is Mac's ideal, and let's face it, there is a little bit of Mac in all of us, so this is all of our ideals.

There is a lot to unpack here. The first standout moment comes just 9 seconds into the video where one guy starts throwing a 45 pound plate like a frisbee.

Now that's what I call Ultimate Frisbee.

Then it's time for these two bros to flex in their convertible, do a little headbanging, and shadowbox a camera. That's just what Buff Bros do.

After that, these guys show off their capoeira skillz. If you're not familiar with capoeira, it's basically the most hilarious martial art of all, as it's basically choreographed dance battles. Lots of flips and kicks, but the key is to work with the other people so they dodge as you kick. These fellas just do it out in the middle of a field, so maybe they are playing capoeira with a mosquito in the meadow. My favorite move of the sequence is when one guy just does a backwards somersault and throws up the devil horns like a true badass.

Then it goes into a gym lifting sequence, which I barely have time to touch on despite one guy doing dips so hard with chains around his neck that the chains knock the sunglasses off his face, and the other guy wears incredibly short shorts that he hikes up before doing a deadlift.

It goes back into the capoeira, and then goes into some general outdoor flexing, and they do all of this without any sense of shame or self-awareness.

At 1:55, the best thing in the entire video happens, as I nearly shit my pants the first time. Dude starts doing pullups, but that's not all, as he put blood caps in his mouth, so he starts having blood run out the side of his lips onto his chest.

Every time I think about this, I can't help but smile. I want to buy blood caps and just randomly bite down on them during a lift to freak everyone out. Imagine doing cable crossovers and blood just dripping from your mouth onto the floor in front of you. I just warn that you don't do it on bench, as you may choke and kill yourself, but every other lift, it should be wonderful and hilarious.

Note: If you want to step up your game even more, just wear a gas mask during your workout, and then have the blood pouring out of a gas mask at the gym. They might call 911 before you have a chance to rip off the mask and let the world know how awesome you are.

What is the only thing that could follow up blood caps and gas masks? You guessed it. Spoon tricks.

What a perfect ending. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to run through a wall. In fact, I am going to run through walls until I get to a gym to get my swoll on. Like the song says, IRONBOUND!

Nuclear Summer IV: I would call it the Quran for Cocksmen, but Muhammad never inspired like this.

Support Independent Wrestling

So I went to a local wrestling show this past weekend, and I cannot recommend doing something anymore than I recommend doing this. Seriously, support independent wrestling. Is the wrestling top notch? No, definitely not. Is there still some cool wrestling that goes on? Absolutely. Is it worth the money? I paid $7, but I'll let you decide whether it was worth the money from the following stories.

Right when I walk in, I have people marking out for my shirt, which is a red, white, and blue, Ultimate Warrior logo shirt. We later learned that one of the guys complimenting my shirt was in the main event that night.

They had bench seating around the ring, and thank god I didn't take advantage of that. I was standing at a table, and a family got up off the bench right in front of me. There was one problem, the father was sitting on the end, and he was the last to get up from the bench. When the mother and daughter got up, their side of the bench flipped up, which means the Dad's side flipped down sending him to the concrete, hard. Luckily, he was fine, but it was still a complete clusterfuck as the people running the event tried to come up with a solution. They did eventually get it figured out.

One of the security guards was about 5'0" tall, and you could have easily convinced me that he was anywhere from 12-35 years old. And, oh man, did he get a massive power boner anytime he got to instruct the crowd to watch out. You would have thought a tank was about to roll through, when in reality, it was a shopping cart with a wrestler inside of it (seriously).

We got there a little late, but the matches that we saw early on were...not good. There were a lot of moves botched pretty badly, but this is a hobby for these guys, so it was fine. If you were looking for Sami Zayn vs. Antonio Cesaro, then you were going to be disappointed, but if you just wanted to sit back and be entertained, the matches did their job.

Huge props to the tag team that lost right before intermission. One guy was knocked out in the middle of the ring. His partner started pounding on his chest to revive him. Then, instead of mouth-to-mouth, he just poured a beer down his throat, and the dude was fully revived. They called it CPBR. If you aren't excited about the possibility of performing CPBRs with friends, then you must hate fun.

Oh shit, I almost forgot that Raven was there. Yeah, Raven was there. We thought that he had shaved his head, but it turns out that he just died his hair the same color as his skin, so it just kind of blended into his scalp.

Raven did commentary for the Raven's Rules (hardcore) Match. The most entertaining part of that was him calling out the guys anytime they didn't hit somebody hard enough. The highlights of the match were definitely each guy taking staples from a staple gun to the head. Also, there were tacks prominently involved in the match. There were two guys bleeding out of their foreheads for like 150 people. How cool is that? Trust me, it's awesome.

There was a tag match for the main event. Most of the match was pretty good; they messed up the ending, but shit happens. The funniest part of the match was that a girl tried to get a "Cut His Hair" chant going in the middle of the match and ran up to the ring with scissors. Unfortunately, she was supposed to wait until after the match was over to get that chant going, so one of the wrestlers had to shoo her away. But don't worry, folks, they did still cut his hair after the match. Although they used some dull scissors, and it looked like they were half cutting, half ripping out the guy's hair.

The highlight for my buddy and I was a guy standing next to us, who lives on three things...

Cigs, Dip, and Dew.

Throughout the entire night, this guy was blazing through cigarettes, spitting out chew like it was going out of style, and pounding his Mountain Dews to show that he was truly extreme. That alone was impressive to watch. On top of that, he seriously commented to me about how a local duo were a really good tag team. There was no sarcasm in his voice, no hint that it was staged, he admired their teamwork. It was still real to him, damnit.

Also, in the least shocking news possible, he was wearing a John Cena shirt.

On the opposite end of the shocking scale: No girlfriend. So ladies, trust me, your Prince Charming is out there.

If you don't think that is $7 worth of entertainment, there is something wrong with you. Support independent wrestling, you won't regret it.

Diamonds Are Expensive

So I went to the diamond store this weekend, and I found out that tiny diamonds carry a big price tag. Like, I knew that diamonds were expensive, but holy shit, I will not be icing out my grill anytime soon at those prices. I might CZ my grill, because those are dirt cheap and look exactly like diamonds. Basically, I don't understand diamonds. This is an evil ploy by De Beers; that's for sure. The diamonds I was looking at didn't even have children's blood on it, and you best believe I want me a blood diamond (I never saw that movie, so I'm just assuming it involved children's blood).

Diamonds? More like Dumbonds. AMIRITE?

Me And You Can't Date

There is nothing I love more than the people of Twitter. They are so amazingly stupid that they never cease to bring a smile to my face. A brilliant hashtag happened on Twitter last night. It was titled #MeAndYouCantDate. It is brilliant not only in its horrible assault on the English language, but also because it was an absolute goldmine for material.

MogulTweetz Charles Wolford III 

If at any point I feel myself giving you the position in my life that belongs to God. #MeAndYouCantDate #NoFalseIdols

This one made me laugh way too hard, because Charles Wolford III is being serious. He is literally setting his sights on a girl that he only likes a little bit. If he loves her, she might take God's spot, and if he thinks a girl is really amazing, he's going to have to give her the boot. This is one of those religious freaks that doesn't love Jesus, he's IN love with Jesus. Remember Charles, no false idols, and no, Jesus does not reside in your right hand.

JussArniie Arniie` 

#MeAndYouCantDate If I dress better then you, I`m just saying

I put this one in as a brain teaser, because Amile refuses to date people who dress worse than her, but what if everyone had this rule? Nobody could date anyone. If you dressed better than a person, you wouldn't date them, but if you found someone who dressed better than you, they'd never date you. I'm just saying.

Prettyboyynonso Nonso Emmanuel 

#MeAndYouCantDate if i heard you had STDS ...because most likely rumors are true!!

What is STDS? Is it like PTSD? because if so, that's kind of fucked up, Nonso Emmanuel. I mean, yeah, I might have trouble dating a girl who dove under the table anytime she heard a firecracker. I certainly wouldn't eliminate them from contention altogether. I'd hate to miss out on a thoroughbred dimepiece just because she doesn't want to get shot. Honestly, I don't want to get shot either. I am curious what he means about the rumors though. Are people with PTSD terrible in bed, or are they freaky as shit? I'll assume they get freak nasty. And now, instead of being scared, I'm actually going to start exclusively pursuing thoroughbred dimepieces with PTSD or as he likes to call it STDS. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

itslovatoswag p i c k l e ! 

#MeAndYouCantDate because you're not Demi Lovato and she's the one for me. <3

These are the type of people that terrify me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes, but I am not eliminating all other women from my life for them. I am an incredibly arrogant person, so it's not at all that I think my celebrity crushes are out of my league. I am fully convinced that if I ran into Trish Stratus, Jessica Alba, or Brittany Snow, I could bed them. There's no doubt in my mind. Why wouldn't they want to have sex with me? But even after I make vigorous love on them, there probably won't be enough common interests to facilitate a relationship. This guy is swearing off all women so he can get with Demi Lovato. That's creepy as shit and horribly pathetic. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't the first celebrity he has stalked, unless his real name actually is "Pickle!", but I'm guessing it's not.

beckyYDG silly wanker. ⚓ 

#meandyoucantdate if you like blood on the dance floor.

Wait, what? I don't know what this means, but my mind is working at warp speed trying to figure out a way to get blood on the dance floor to maximize the fierceness of my West Coast Dance moves. If anybody likes blood on the dance floor, let me know. I'm curious how you work that into your moves. This could be the greatest contribution to dance moves since glo-vests.

Philip_W_Thomas Philip W Thomas 

#MeAndYouCantDate If YOU open your legs and tuna fish comes out

Philip, this is your 40 year old virgin moment. You basically just said that her boob felt like a bag of sand. I'm 110% sure that you have never been with a woman. When people talk about tuna fish and a woman's vagina, it doesn't mean that there are actually tuna swimming up in the woman's vagina, it's just a similar smell for some women. You can open up every girl's legs on the planet, and you really don't need to worry about tuna coming to attack your face.

Without the fear of Charlie the Tuna coming to attack you, I'm sure that you'll be reeling the ladies in.

-Joe

P.S. This is a little late, but Braves Acceptance guy makes me laugh every time I look at him.