The WWE Is Ruining... Zack Ryder

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, I look at Woo Woo Woo, You Know It, Zack Ryder.

The only reason you know Zack Ryder is because of Zack Ryder. The WWE is not in the business of helping Zack Ryder get over, but Zack Ryder changed the game in what wrestlers could truly do on their own while in the WWE by starting his own YouTube show, Z! True Long Island Story. This was Being The Elite before Being The Elite. It was stupid, ridiculous, and wonderful, and it built such a following that the WWE couldn't stop denying how over Ryder had gotten without actually being on television.

The WWE started putting him on television but never gave him a significant push, and let's not forget how over he was at the time. There were "We Want Ryder" chants during Raws, Pay Per Views, and even during The Rock's promo one time. I own a stupid looking t-shirt to prove how over this dude was.

And yet, the WWE did as little as they could with it. The WWE did take over possession of his YouTube show to launch their own channel, but it quickly lost its magic and died out shortly after that.

Years later, it led to Ryder winning the Intercontinental Championship at WrestleMania, but he lost it the next night on Raw, so it was not the most memorable title reign in history. After that, his most memorable moments involved tagging with Mojo Rawley who had more impact on NXT than they did with anything on the main roster.

Since then, he has tagged with Curt Hawkins, No Way Jose, Tyler Breeze, and Tye Dillinger. He tagged with No Way Jose twice, so you probably remember those very important matches on Main Event.

Basically, he hasn't done shit.

In my piece on Curt Hawkins, I recommended getting the Major Bros back together, and it's not a bad plan for either guy. Honestly, I think it's about the best that the WWE can do for Zack Ryder.

That is why, possibly more than anybody else on the roster, Zack Ryder needs to leave the WWE and go to All Elite Wrestling. AEW's aim seems to bring variety and fun back to wrestling. Joey Janela isn't some amazing technician, MJF is still in the process of getting better, and Cody is very good, but not anywhere near the best wrestler in the world conversation. Still, these guys bring other things to the table that get people invested in their matches, and Zack Ryder would fit perfectly in that sort of environment. Ryder's career would go from completely unimportant to one of the most fascinating additions to the hottest brand in wrestling.

WWE is ruining Zack Ryder, and although Ryder is a lifelong fan who seems to love WWE. If he truly loves it, he must let it go on his way to All Elite Wrestling.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Goldust
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Shinsuke Nakamura
Tyler Breeze

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #1 Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan
And so we've come to the end of the road. Surprise, surprise, Michael Jordan made the top spot of the most important players to the Chicago Bulls dynasty. Here's the problem with Michael Jordan: What can I say about Michael Jordan that hasn't been said at least a thousand times before? Everybody already knows how good Michael Jordan was. Most consider him the greatest ever, so breaking down his stats is a waste of everyone's time. Luckily, I'm smart enough to know that my words in this scenario are overrated, so let's consult YouTube and look at some of his greatest career highlights.

Since Jordan was known for his high flying ways, let's start off by looking at his five best dunks. That seems a little broad, so instead of just going with overall dunks, let's only focus on the five best occasions of Michael Jordan dunking on very good NBA player, Armen Gilliam.

My favorite thing, outside of the fact that somebody made a cut up just to shame Armen Gilliam, is that Michael Jordan not only has five AMAZING dunks on Gilliam, but he did it while Gilliam played for three separate teams. It's like Jordan looked forward to the schedule to see when he could punk out poor Gilliam, and that 100% seems like something Michael Jordan would do.

MJ was known for his insane competitiveness as no matter what was at stake, he simply refused to lose. And this may be the greatest embodiment of that as Chris Paul said that if Michael Jordan missed three of six shots, every kid at the basketball camp would get a free pair of Air Jordans.
Of course, Michael Jordan couldn't miss three shots, or two shots, or even a single of the six shots he took, because he's Michael Jordan, and he has to win. My favorite part of the video is that in the cut up you can hear the kids get more and more depressed as he keeps hitting shots. The man is ruthless. After Jordan made all six shots, Chris Paul gave them a second chance to give out the shoes if he could make all six shots, but he missed his third attempt. MJ's got to keep them profit margins on point.

As you can see, Michael Jordan is an over-competitive assho...uh, jerk. That's what made him great. But he also had a softer side as he could be charming and fun to be around when he wanted to be as shown in the below video where he throws a football 65 yards, but the best part is him interacting with kids.

Some kid says that he heard that Michael Jordan threw three no hitters when he was a kid, and Jordan's response is pretty great, "I did? Where'd you find that out; I think they asked my father that. He kinda lied. That's okay. It's in the book. It's record now." Also, let's ignore the fact that if those kids were Michael Jordan's neighbors, they are probably hedge fund managers now and likely horrific scumbags.

Finally, let's wrap things up with a couple of MJ's endorsements. First, Gatorade, where one of the most memorable jingles of all time was established, as everybody wanted to be "Like Mike."

I cannot help but smile when I watch that commercial.

And one last commercial, where Michael Jordan and Larry Bird compete for $4 worth of fast food.
Word has it that they made all of these shots on the first try, but sorry Larry, there's no way you were getting Michael's Big Mac. When you actually consider it, is it fair to say Michael Jordan is the greatest commercial actor in history? It's tough to think of anybody who can match up with him. But that's just a part of his story. The bigger part of the story is that he is greatest basketball player of all time, and that is why he was a no-brainer for the greatest Chicago Bull of their 1990s dynasty.

All Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

#23 - Bobby Hansen

#22 - Scott Burrell

#21 - Bison Dele

#20 - Craig Hodges

#19 - Jud Buechler

#18 - Randy Brown

#17 - Cliff Levingston

#16 - Stacey King

#15 - Jason Caffey

#14 - Bill Wennington

#13 - Will Perdue

#12 - Scott Williams

#11 - Steve Kerr

#10 - BJ Armstrong

#9 - Luc Longley

#8 - John Paxson 

#7 - Bill Cartwright

#6 - Toni Kukoc

#5 - Ron Harper

#4 - Dennis Rodman

#3 - Horace Grant 

#2 - Scottie Pippen

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #12 Scott Williams

Scott Williams
Scott Williams was a McDonalds All-American coming out of high school and decided to take his talents across the country as he moved away from California to attend the University of North Carolina. He had a good, although not great collegiate career, as he averaged double-digit points during his final three years while being a good rebounder. It was pretty amazing for Williams to do as well as he did in college as during his sophomore year, his parents died when his father committed a murder-suicide at their home in California.

Williams went undrafted in 1990, but the Bulls signed as a free agent shortly after the draft. This is where Williams' luck started to change. As a North Carolina graduate, Michael Jordan immediately took a liking to him. It also helped that the Bulls only draft pick that year, Toni Kukoc, chose not to sign with the team despite repeated attempts by Bulls management.

Even though Williams never set the world on fire, his contributions increased every year he was with the Bulls. During his rookie season, he was the last guy off the bench throughout the regular season. But when the playoffs hit, the Bulls liked his energy so much that he ended up taking Stacey King's minutes in the NBA Finals and getting significant playing time in all of the wins over the Lakers. In fact, the Bulls went 12-0 when Williams saw playing time during the 1991 playoffs.

In 1991-92, Williams continued his trend of making a bigger impact when it counts the most. Throughout the season, he had two games where he scored double-digit points, but in the playoffs, he managed three such games. He was the second-to-last person off the bench during the regular season, but he was the first big man off the bench for the playoffs as the Bulls relied on his energy and versatility to play both the power forward and center positions.

For the Bulls final title of their first threepeat, Williams had solidified himself as an essential part of the team. He was the first guy off the bench in both the regular season and in the playoffs. Although Williams didn't light up the box score, he provided good defense and rebounding and was a key in solidifying the bench unit of that final championship season.

Before we get to his post-Bulls career, how about you take a seat, listen to some funky beats and watch Scott Williams highlights for four minutes (Spoiler alert: Williams puts on some weight)?


He would last one more year with the Bulls, and let's just say he wasn't thrilled with how he was treated by the team.

So, yeah, he chose to get out of town and join up with the Philadelphia 76ers as a free agent. He would then play for Milwaukee which led to my favorite nugget when researching Williams. He was involved in a trade along with a current NBA player when, in 2001, the Milwaukee Bucks traded him and a 2004 first round pick to the Denver Nuggets for Aleksandar Radojevic and Kevin Willis. That future first rounder would be used to select Josh Smith who is kind of current since he played a few games for the New Orleans Pelicans earlier this season. Williams would also play for Phoenix, Dallas, and Cleveland before retiring in 2005. After retiring, he has spent his time bouncing between basketball coaching and announcing.

And if you needed any evidence that YouTube is the absolute best, here is Scott Williams allegedly seducing some ladies at a Suns game.

I love the internet.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

#23 - Bobby Hansen

#22 - Scott Burrell

#21 - Bison Dele

#20 - Craig Hodges

#19 - Jud Buechler

#18 - Randy Brown

#17 - Cliff Levingston

#16 - Stacey King

#15 - Jason Caffey

#14 - Bill Wennington

#13 - Will Perdue

Dirty Signs with Kristin Is The Best Thing On YouTube

With Logan Paul filming dead bodies and Pewdie Pie doing something racist, I think, YouTube personalities have taken a hit lately. Since I am old and uncool, I have never gone down that wormhole of weird YouTube personalities, but it's understandable that people are taking advantage of a new medium to gain fame. And any time that this many people are going out and putting out original content, eventually a star will be born. Well, folks, I have recently found that star, and she deserves all of the YouTube money.

It all started when Steel Panther tweeted out a link. If it was good enough for Steel Panther, then surely, it was good enough for me. But it wasn't good enough for me, it was actually too great for me, and that is why I need to share Dirty Signs with Kristin with the world.


Not only is this entertaining, it's educational as well. I have never had the urge to learn sign language, but you best believe that I am learning all of the dirty phrases that Kristin has decided to teach. I can learn helpful phrases, like the Valentine's favorite of asking someone to toss my salad.


Or less catchy phrases, like "I want to tongue punch your fart box."


The great news is that no matter what the situation, I'll be prepared thanks to Kristin's videos.

Somehow, these videos only are in the hundred thousand page views. These videos should be in the hundred millions for views as it should be required course work for any high schooler. Sometimes, the internet lets us down, but sometimes, it helps us discover something beautiful. Dirty Signs with Kristin, thank you for your service.

Nuclear Summer IV is the Pump Up Video You Need

What is Nuclear Summer IV? Nuclear Summer IV is amazing. Nuclear Summer IV is our generation's Citizen Kane. Nuclear Summer IV is like a video bible, but for Strength Stallions. Anyway, no matter what I say, it really can't do this justice.
The only thing that I don't like, wait, no, the only thing I don't LOVE about this video is that it has been out for nearly four years and I am just finding out about it. Everything else is totally awesome. I mean, they could focus an entire episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia around Mac seeing this video for the first time. This is Mac's ideal, and let's face it, there is a little bit of Mac in all of us, so this is all of our ideals.

There is a lot to unpack here. The first standout moment comes just 9 seconds into the video where one guy starts throwing a 45 pound plate like a frisbee.

Now that's what I call Ultimate Frisbee.

Then it's time for these two bros to flex in their convertible, do a little headbanging, and shadowbox a camera. That's just what Buff Bros do.

After that, these guys show off their capoeira skillz. If you're not familiar with capoeira, it's basically the most hilarious martial art of all, as it's basically choreographed dance battles. Lots of flips and kicks, but the key is to work with the other people so they dodge as you kick. These fellas just do it out in the middle of a field, so maybe they are playing capoeira with a mosquito in the meadow. My favorite move of the sequence is when one guy just does a backwards somersault and throws up the devil horns like a true badass.

Then it goes into a gym lifting sequence, which I barely have time to touch on despite one guy doing dips so hard with chains around his neck that the chains knock the sunglasses off his face, and the other guy wears incredibly short shorts that he hikes up before doing a deadlift.

It goes back into the capoeira, and then goes into some general outdoor flexing, and they do all of this without any sense of shame or self-awareness.

At 1:55, the best thing in the entire video happens, as I nearly shit my pants the first time. Dude starts doing pullups, but that's not all, as he put blood caps in his mouth, so he starts having blood run out the side of his lips onto his chest.

Every time I think about this, I can't help but smile. I want to buy blood caps and just randomly bite down on them during a lift to freak everyone out. Imagine doing cable crossovers and blood just dripping from your mouth onto the floor in front of you. I just warn that you don't do it on bench, as you may choke and kill yourself, but every other lift, it should be wonderful and hilarious.

Note: If you want to step up your game even more, just wear a gas mask during your workout, and then have the blood pouring out of a gas mask at the gym. They might call 911 before you have a chance to rip off the mask and let the world know how awesome you are.

What is the only thing that could follow up blood caps and gas masks? You guessed it. Spoon tricks.

What a perfect ending. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to run through a wall. In fact, I am going to run through walls until I get to a gym to get my swoll on. Like the song says, IRONBOUND!

Nuclear Summer IV: I would call it the Quran for Cocksmen, but Muhammad never inspired like this.

The Ultimate Warrior Now Has Twitter

To say the timing of my following of the Ultimate Warrior was fortuitous is a gross understatement of how perfectly that I timed this. Right after I announced that I was following The Warrior, he not only started posting videos like they are going out of style, but he has started a Twitter account. And like all things Ultimate Warrior, it's fucking amazing.

He started out his Twitter feed in the least surprising manner...by talking shit to Hulk Hogan.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@HulkHogan4Real Karma is coming to collect Terry.

I really think that this was Ultimate Warrior's number one purpose for setting up a Twitter account. Hulk Hogan hasn't been acknowledging him as a threat, so he figured he'd let it be known that he is going to put a bullet in Hulkamania. But that's not all as he totally burned Hogan with another tweet.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@OfficialHTM Absolute BS! Good to hear from you man. Stay active, passionate and healthy!! Hogan has no spine, no pun intended!

I'll admit, it took me a while to understand the "no pun intended" part of this tweet. I finally realized he was referring to Hulk's numerous back surgeries. Personally, I feel like instead of going with "no pun intended" a better way to end that tweet would have been with a "Hogan has no spine, literally!" To each their own.

But then Warrior got really steamed. Hulk Hogan had the audacity to block people who were talking shit to him on Twitter, which is completely unreasonable in the land of the Warrior. Twitter alone was no longer enough for The Warrior, he decided to go back to his trusted friend, YouTube to create this:

I've watched this video about two dozen times. Each time I am absolutely mesmerized. I love that he calls it a social networking party, and uses that to challenge Hulk Hogan's former partying days. I love that he says that Hulk Hogan has a womanly handshake. And I love that he tells Hogan that he and his Warriors are going to bust down the wall of his (theoretical social networking party) house if he won't let them through the (theoretical) front door. He then gives an awesome diabolical laugh to end the video. It's all phenomenal.

How do you top that? For normal beings, they wouldn't be able to. For the Warrior, it's a piece of cake. Yesterday morning, he topped his amazing video when he greeted his Twitter followers with this message:

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Morning, warriors. Yesterday is gone. Forever. Today, you rip fresh ass.

I wish I had something insightful to say, but it would only alter the perfection of that tweet.

-Joe

P.S. Macho Man may have tragically passed away, but he lives on in the Where's Randy Savage tumblr. This photo is amazing.

P.P.S. Here's a good article on Clay Guida who has a really interesting fight against Anthony Pettis tomorrow. The first four paragraphs gave me a good laugh, because I can vouch that John Dodson has been doing ridiculous moves like that before Pettis ever did it in his match against Ben Henderson.

Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura is Awesome

Flipping through channels can be one of the most depressing endeavors a human has to undertake.  Sometimes, you will find yourself searching fruitlessly for anything that has a semblance of entertainment value.  To speed up the process, you will skip certain channels as you know they never have anything even halfway decent on.  This used to be the way I treated TruTV.  It seemed like they had somehow made a channel out of "World's Most Shocking" Police Chases, Animal Attacks, Bungee Jumps, etc.  That is not something that will ever make me stop the surfing for more than 30 seconds.  But I was flipping through one day, and I saw something that surprised me.  It was former governor, Navy SEAL, and professional wrestler, Jesse "The Body" Ventura.  Yes, he tried to be known as "The Mind" later on, but after watching Conspiracy Theory, you will know that he did not earn that name.

The premise of this show is that Jesse Ventura investigates a conspiracy theory (hence the title of the show).  By himself, Jesse probably wouldn't have the abilities to expose these problems with the government, but he assembled a team that gives him the edge that he needs.  The government underestimated Ventura's ability to create an All-Star team of helpers, and that will be their fatal mistake.  My favorite member of his team is a black woman with an accent whose sole purpose is to use Google Maps.  She helps them track anything the government might be hiding.

The key to this show is not his team though, it's definitely Ventura, and the fact that he believes EVERYTHING he hears.  The other great thing is that he also believes everything that he doesn't hear.  Here is a conversation you could expect to hear on Conspiracy Theory:

Random Guy:  And that's why I have worries about our government.
Jesse Ventura:  So the government is trying to kill us?
Random Guy:  I didn't say that.
Jesse Ventura:  You didn't have to.

This is when he breaks into a narration telling you how the fat cats in Washington want to make as much money as possible from special interest groups while your children die.  But Jesse doesn't want to let that happen.

When Jesse speaks with people, he speaks with the most indecisive people on the planet when they say that there is nothing to be afraid of.  How could anyone trust these indecisive scumbags?  Jesse Ventura sure as hell doesn't.  He then talks to well-dressed, confident people who believe in the conspiracy.  Jesse believes every word they tell him, because they are confident.  The only problem with this is that these people are batshit crazy.  That doesn't concern Jesse, because he already knows the government is trying to fuck him in every imaginable way.

The other brilliant thing that happens in every episode is that there are official looking people trying to stop him.  It'll either be people in suits telling him he needs to leave or police officers making sure he doesn't find the truth.  At least that's what he would want you to believe.  In the "Coming Up on Conspiracy Theory" montages that they show before going to commercials, they showed police officers surrounding Jesse Ventura in the Denver airport multiple times.  When they finally got to the scene, they reasonably just told him that his conspiracy was crazy talk, and then probably asked for autographs and took pictures with him on their camera phone.

But Jesse knows that things are never that simple.  Were those regular cameras on the phones, or were these police officers trying to take a picture of Jesse's soul?

Find out on the next episode of Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura.

-Joe

P.S.  You can find the episodes on YouTube...at least until the government finds out about it.

P.P.S.  Here's a video of Danny Woodhead trying to sell Danny Woodhead jerseys: