Jehovah's Witnesses Are Murdering Children

The Jehovah's Witnesses left me a brochure this past weekend. You know, a little reading material to help me find my faith. I really appreciated them doing that, but I was a little stunned at what I found. I never even made it to most of the brochure as I couldn't get past this dark, daring, and quite frankly, disgusting cover.

Yeah sure, it looks innocent at first glance, but look a little closer, and you will see a despicable scene.

It shows a child with a father (possibly mentor), as the father figure has brought two gifts for the child. The child grabs the big box first, just like the older gentleman wanted. The child is so excited to see what is inside, but he's not going to be happy about it. Judging by its size and the sadistic look on the father's face, that is clearly the severed head of Fluffy, the child's beloved pet rabbit.

After the child opens his first present. His previous elation will turn to a feeling of sadness and confusion. The father tells him that he understands his sadness, but the second present will explain everything. This one is smaller, and the child reluctantly opens it as the father looks on. He is relieved to not find any dead animals in the second box. All he finds is a blank piece of paper. He turns over the single sheet and reads a single word, "Run."

The child looks around confused but now the leash that his father possesses makes sense. They don't even own a dog anymore, so why would he have it? That isn't a leash at all, that's a choking rope, and the child knows that his neck is looking ripe.

As the child sprints away, he realizes why his father made him wear these ridiculous clothes. I mean, what child would possibly be caught dead in a mismatched Canadian Tuxedo with what I believe would be considered a Canadian tophat? But it's perfectly clear now. If the police find a murdered American boy, it's a huge story, but a murdered Canadian is just another day at the office. He imagines the officer will even make a joke about how "these Canadians are probably going to go extinct due to global warming, eh?" and laugh with all of his police officer friends. He gets angry at the hypothetical officer's joke, because it barely makes sense, and a better joke would be overdosing on maple syrup. But he can't think about that now as Jehovah is about to be the only Witness to his murder.

No matter how fast his little legs go, it's of no use. His father is gaining on him quick. The end is inevitable. As he feels the coarseness around his neck, his final thoughts are the wonder of what did he do wrong? What did he do wrong? As he prepares to take his last breath, the pressure lets up, and the rope is dropped to the ground. He has tears in his eyes, but once again, he has breath in his lungs. His father congratulates him, and the child smiles. He loves his gift.

As the picture asks, what is the best gift of all? The greatest gift is fear, as it means you will never betray your faith.

At least, that's what my interpretation of the photo was.

I Officiated a Wedding

Many months ago, I was asked to officiate a wedding for two friends. I accepted without giving it much thought, because I think it's always a good idea to do what is necessary to make a bride happy on her wedding day. If they would have asked me to come up with a choreographed fire dance, I would have done that too, but I'm really glad that it was just officiating, as this job didn't lead to third degree burns. It almost did, but we'll get to that later.

In advance of the wedding, I got ordained through the American Marriage Ministries. It was super easy, like to the point where I thought it was too easy, and I was really questioning whether I had read everything correctly. I kept reading everything through, and it all seemed legit, so I really hope that I was properly ordained as a minister, and if not, then I am super sorry to the married (well, I guess still not married) couple.

So becoming an ordained minister, even if it's simple, seems like it should be some sort of religious experience. It was definitely not that for me. I have an open mind when it comes to religion; if it makes you happy and a decent person, great, but it personally doesn't mean anything to me, so I don't really practice it. Well, the script I was given by the happy couple contained a whole shitload of Jesus. For me, I would say it was an uncomfortable amount of Jesus; hell, they even mentioned Paul, and I think he was one of the writers of the bible - that's a deep cut. But ultimately, it was there day, so if my sacrilegious activities led to my eternal damnation, then so be it.

But before I could join these two in the holiest of matrimonies, the Matron of Honor volunteered me to drive people around during the day before the ceremony, so ladies could get their hair and makeup done, and people could be chauffered for pictures. I would have straight up told the MoH to mind her own business, but she also happens to be my wife, so what she says goes. Things did not start smoothly, as my second pickup was all of the bridesmaids, and they were so loud. I wanted to tell them to chill out, but if there's one thing crappy romantic comedies have taught me is that weddings make the ladies go cray cray. I stayed quiet and smiled, just like the little bitch boy they wanted me to be. Luckily, things quieted down after that. The only unfortunate thing is they did not build in enough time for me to get intoxicated before I started officiating; hell, they barely gave me enough time to shower, but as a newly formed man of God, I did my duty.

But no good officiating story would be complete without me fucking something up, so, yeah, I delayed the start of the ceremony. So, here's the deal: They decided to have a candle lit ceremony. This meant that reading was going to be an issue, but I had bigger fish to fry as I was supposed to get the microphone set up. Why I was doing this instead of the wedding planner is beyond me, but I didn't think to ask questions as I am a man of action.

Unfortunately, as I was trying to get the microphone set up, I wasn't paying attention to where I was stepping, and I managed to kick over three candles. There was no fire to worry about, just some broken glass, so I figured, ah, not ideal, but no big deal. What I did not notice is that when I kicked over the candles, my left shoe and pant leg had become covered in candle wax. It was not unnoticeable. So, I left the wedding planner to get the mic set up while I ran to the bathroom to start scraping wax off of my pant leg and shoe with wet paper towels. It wasn't the smoothest operation, but I got most of it off before the wedding planner came in and told me that they were just waiting on me to start the ceremony.

So I walked that aisle as I styled and profiled, but something was amiss. When I walked up the aisle, I noticed that the microphone was about 10 feet behind where the couple was standing. They brought a corded microphone that would not come close to actually reaching where I needed to stand. I confirmed that this was as far as the cord stretched and decided I would utilize my booming voice instead of relying on a microphone. I just wish I would have known that before I spilled wax all over myself in efforts for a microphone that was useless.

But then I delivered the words that were provided, put a little bit of extra personality on it, and joined people in the holiest of matrimonies, even if I knew God wanted to strike me down for it. But I persevered, and although God tried to burn me, I knew that I could overcome anything due to that old saying, "Wax on, wax off."

Sean O'Haire: Master of the Vignette

Last night, news came that Sean O'Haire had passed away. If you are not a wrestling fan, that name probably means very little to you. If you are a wrestling fan, you may still not know who that is. But if you do have strong memories of Sean O'Haire, it is almost certainly not for what he did in the ring, but for what he did outside of the ring.

In preparation of Sean O'Haire coming to the WWE with a new gimmick, they released a series of vignettes. They are, without a doubt, the greatest vignettes in WWE history. I can't remember how I found these videos as it was a dark period in my wrestling watching when these came to fruition. I am guessing my brother sent them to me, and if I found them first, I can guarantee I immediately sent them to my brother. 

Bray Wyatt was praised for his vignettes, because he came across as this diabolical cult leader. But when you think about it, Bray Wyatt isn't scary, because Bray Wyatt can't control you. He is a cult leader for hillbillies, not your normal everyday person. Sean O'Haire was the cult leader for your everyday person, because on its face, although you knew what he was saying was bad, it also kind of made sense.

Every video was pure magic, like this one on infidelity.


Or this one on drugs:



Or my personal favorite, his work on religion:


They are all brilliant. Delivered perfectly. That smug confidence that every standard that you hold yourself to is a farce while he offers true freedom that will not only make you happier, but will make those around you happier as well. They are hammered home with the perfect conclusion, "Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know."

This gimmick really never went anywhere, but these videos will live on forever. If you really want to see their impact, just look at the YouTube comments on these videos. They make people feel uncomfortable about their beliefs. It's amazing.

It's a weird thing in that my friends and I have laughed our asses off at these videos, as they were so brilliant, all you could do was sit back and appreciate it. I'm sure that we are not alone in our appreciation for Sean O'Haire, and I hope that he knew how great these videos were. On the internet, it's so easy to shit all over things that you don't like. But this was something I loved, and I never took the time to see if he had Twitter or Facebook to tell him how awesome these were. At just 43 years old, I could have assumed that I would have plenty of time, but I was never actually going to do it.

So, if you take one thing out of this, it's praise things that you actually enjoy to let the creators know that what they are doing is awesome. It may be an athlete, it may be a writer, or even an artist, but letting them know how great their work is will make both you and the creator feel better.

Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

I Hate Wine

I hate wine so much. It is the worst. I think back to the legendary Jesus tale where he turned a barrel of water into wine, and when I was a child, I used to think it was awesome, but now I hate that story. I would have been so pissed had I just wanted a glass of water and instead I got some Pinot Grigio instead. Even if Jesus had done this after he died for our sins, I still would have taken a sip, and said, "Thanks for nothing, Jesus." He would have been so hurt at my emphasis on nothing, and I probably would have felt bad about it later, but seriously, some people just want a glass of water so we don't get hungover the next day, and it's a real dick move to deprive me of that opportunity.

Um, I did not know that I was going to go in that direction. Let's try to get back on track.

I am getting married, and everyone on both sides of the family seems to think wine is awesome. I disagree, as I don't like the taste, and really, don't even like the idea of wine. But they go to wineries and live it up. And you know what? Good for them. I am happy that they are enjoying life, as I don't ever want to deprive people of a good time. But you know what is not sold at wineries? Natural Light. And I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon to come waltzing into a winery with a 30 pack of Natties on your shoulder. Sorry I like to party.

Wine also takes up a lot of valuable real estate. These wine drinkers open up a bottle and have a glass. They then put a cork in the wine and put it in the fridge. The next night (or even worse, that same night), they grab a different bottle and have a glass of that, put a cork in that and put it in the fridge. Pretty soon, we have three bottles of wine taking up valuable real estate in the fridge. It's not like I drink half a Natty Light and then have a Brooklyn Winter Ale (practically the same beers) before corking them and putting them in the fridge for later use. Because of all this wine, my milk no longer has its special area inside the door. I understand that it is illogical for me to be mad that I have to put my milk in a different spot in the fridge, but this is the type of stuff that really grinds my gears.

So if you love wine, good for you, you should keep drinking it, because it makes you happy. But if you could do me a favor and just finish one bottle before starting another, it would probably lead to world peace. If you have two bottles open at once, don't come complaining to me when another war starts; that one's on you.

The Best Sad Political Comments on Facebook Last Night

Going on Facebook after Obama was declared winner of the presidency could have ended in one of two ways depending on my state of mind. It could have depressed the hell out of me to see the shit that people were saying, or it could have ended in hilarity, because, holy shit, people are painfully stupid. I decided to make it awesome and break down the best things I saw on Facebook last night.

Sad day

Stupid, but at least reasonable. It is simple and to the point. I could at least imagine myself having these feelings if a candidate I did not believe in won the election.

Time for more handouts and obscene spending!

Was the spending obscene? You could make that case, but the spending has been obscene for 12 years now. Selective memory is neat.

Moving backwards another four years!!!

The three exclamation points add intelligence to the claim.

if obama wins I'm moving to Brazil once my my money comes in..... #fuckobama#

Because Brazil is a safe haven where everything is fantastic. DID YOU NOT SEE FAST FIVE? THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE!

But my favorite comments, BY FAR, were the following:

May God have mercy on this nation.

Praying for America and our future. This is scary.

We can only pray that The Lord has mercy on the USA...pray that HE gives us the strength that this country needs.

Oh, God, it is just so painfully stupid and ignorant and wonderful all at once. When you read it as stupid and ignorant, it makes a person's palm go directly to their forehead, but take a second, and read it for all its wonderful glory. I am totally fine with people believing in God. 

The first one is stupid but simple, so it doesn't incite much anger in me.

The second one is way dumber. This is scary? What the fuck is scary about this? A president got elected. It wasn't the person who you wanted to win. Grow the fuck up.

And finally, the third comment. Oh, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant piece of art. Because this is not a sentence; this is art. Like if I was trying to write from the most ignorant person in the world's point of view, I could never come up with something this amazing. Thank you, retarded person who wrote this. Thank you so much.

Now here's my issue...

I have no problem if you see God as an all-powerful being who can control anything he damn well pleases. I have no issue if you see God as all-powerful, but as someone who refuses to step in as it would invade man's freedom of choice. But you can't have it both ways. Now, these Religious Fuckwads are in a little thing called the circle of logic. And when Religious Fuckwads are surrounded by logic, it leads to disastrous results. 

If God was all powerful, and you think that Obama will ruin the country, I am sure God could have stopped that. Why not have a hurricane that takes out the president instead of electricity in New York? Huh, God? Why did you not do that? SHOW US YOUR MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH. 

If God refuses to step in, then who gives a fuck? He clearly hasn't done anything on this planet before, and we're doing just fine. Most of the people who are complaining about the unemployment rate not only have a job, half of them probably don't even know a person who is actually unemployed. And if they don't think God has the power to step in, then, really, what's the point? If I was going to pick a God, I certainly wouldn't pick the weak ass bitch God that can't even show his awesome power. 

Make up your minds, Religious Fuckwads (I would like to trademark this term). Either your God is all powerful and he supports Obama, or he is a weak ass bitch who can't even step in to make anything happen. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I am guessing that the people who posted these comments do not realize that Mitt Romney is Mormon, and therefore has the most hilarious beliefs ever. Sure, I could show a South Park clip, but instead I will show one of the most underrated videos on the internet: 

You're Welcome.

Me And You Can't Date

There is nothing I love more than the people of Twitter. They are so amazingly stupid that they never cease to bring a smile to my face. A brilliant hashtag happened on Twitter last night. It was titled #MeAndYouCantDate. It is brilliant not only in its horrible assault on the English language, but also because it was an absolute goldmine for material.

MogulTweetz Charles Wolford III 

If at any point I feel myself giving you the position in my life that belongs to God. #MeAndYouCantDate #NoFalseIdols

This one made me laugh way too hard, because Charles Wolford III is being serious. He is literally setting his sights on a girl that he only likes a little bit. If he loves her, she might take God's spot, and if he thinks a girl is really amazing, he's going to have to give her the boot. This is one of those religious freaks that doesn't love Jesus, he's IN love with Jesus. Remember Charles, no false idols, and no, Jesus does not reside in your right hand.

JussArniie Arniie` 

#MeAndYouCantDate If I dress better then you, I`m just saying

I put this one in as a brain teaser, because Amile refuses to date people who dress worse than her, but what if everyone had this rule? Nobody could date anyone. If you dressed better than a person, you wouldn't date them, but if you found someone who dressed better than you, they'd never date you. I'm just saying.

Prettyboyynonso Nonso Emmanuel 

#MeAndYouCantDate if i heard you had STDS ...because most likely rumors are true!!

What is STDS? Is it like PTSD? because if so, that's kind of fucked up, Nonso Emmanuel. I mean, yeah, I might have trouble dating a girl who dove under the table anytime she heard a firecracker. I certainly wouldn't eliminate them from contention altogether. I'd hate to miss out on a thoroughbred dimepiece just because she doesn't want to get shot. Honestly, I don't want to get shot either. I am curious what he means about the rumors though. Are people with PTSD terrible in bed, or are they freaky as shit? I'll assume they get freak nasty. And now, instead of being scared, I'm actually going to start exclusively pursuing thoroughbred dimepieces with PTSD or as he likes to call it STDS. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

itslovatoswag p i c k l e ! 

#MeAndYouCantDate because you're not Demi Lovato and she's the one for me. <3

These are the type of people that terrify me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes, but I am not eliminating all other women from my life for them. I am an incredibly arrogant person, so it's not at all that I think my celebrity crushes are out of my league. I am fully convinced that if I ran into Trish Stratus, Jessica Alba, or Brittany Snow, I could bed them. There's no doubt in my mind. Why wouldn't they want to have sex with me? But even after I make vigorous love on them, there probably won't be enough common interests to facilitate a relationship. This guy is swearing off all women so he can get with Demi Lovato. That's creepy as shit and horribly pathetic. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't the first celebrity he has stalked, unless his real name actually is "Pickle!", but I'm guessing it's not.

beckyYDG silly wanker. ⚓ 

#meandyoucantdate if you like blood on the dance floor.

Wait, what? I don't know what this means, but my mind is working at warp speed trying to figure out a way to get blood on the dance floor to maximize the fierceness of my West Coast Dance moves. If anybody likes blood on the dance floor, let me know. I'm curious how you work that into your moves. This could be the greatest contribution to dance moves since glo-vests.

Philip_W_Thomas Philip W Thomas 

#MeAndYouCantDate If YOU open your legs and tuna fish comes out

Philip, this is your 40 year old virgin moment. You basically just said that her boob felt like a bag of sand. I'm 110% sure that you have never been with a woman. When people talk about tuna fish and a woman's vagina, it doesn't mean that there are actually tuna swimming up in the woman's vagina, it's just a similar smell for some women. You can open up every girl's legs on the planet, and you really don't need to worry about tuna coming to attack your face.

Without the fear of Charlie the Tuna coming to attack you, I'm sure that you'll be reeling the ladies in.

-Joe

P.S. This is a little late, but Braves Acceptance guy makes me laugh every time I look at him.

Jose Canseco Is Looking For Love

Unless you've been living under a rock (or worse, not following Jose Canseco on Twitter), you probably know about how Jose Canseco has a new love, and her name is Lady Gaga. I'm not familiar with Lady Gaga's music, but I am familiar with her face, and it ain't pretty. But at least she's rich, so I guess that's worth something.

On the positive side of things, Jose's going gaga for Gaga (I apologize for the pun, but there was no way I was going to be able to avoid it) has led to a Twitter frenzy from everybody's favorite slugger. Let's see what he's been up to.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Still waiting for answer

Jose, it's Lady Gaga, I think you can stop just waiting around and set your sights on someone else. I mean, clearly beauty isn't an issue for you.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Where is wonder woman
Okay, this is a step up in the looks department, but a horrible step back in the "this person exists" department. You'll have to do better than this.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am at buffalo wild wings still looking for the next miss x canseco

I think he meant ex-Miss Canseco. Actually, no he didn't. I would much rather believe that Jose Canseco will only marry women whose name begins with X. I bet it broke his heart when he found out that Xena: Warrior Princess wasn't real. Maybe I shouldn't have told him that Wonder Woman suffers from the same fictional fate.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

If I had a child with lady gaga what would he or she be called

As terrifying as this thought is, I thought this was a goldmine of a tweet. I thought for sure I could come up with an astonishingly hilarious response to this. Unfortunately, 30 seconds later, I read the following and realized that it could not be topped.

@Nick_Devlin Nick Devlin

Chyna.

I don't know if I'll ever know the true identity of a man who goes by the Twitter handle of @Nick_Devlin, but if I do, I think I'd like to buy that man a beer.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I wish @ladygaga would marry me :D

Remember when people wished for good things? Like being taller, or being a baller, or even a girl that looked good so you could call her? Hell, I'd even settle for people wishing for a rabbit in a hat, or a bat, or a 64 Impala. Yeah, I miss those days.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I want to get married and settle down any crazy takers u must be Christian

Jose has things that he just won't compromise on, and being Jewish is one of those things. Actually, that stipulation lasted all of 30 seconds before he was willing to give up on it.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Can any woman convert the most infamous athlete ever

 @JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Or will I take u on a hell ride

This will definitely be my pickup line if I'm ever out and meet a Jewish girl. I'm open-minded enough to let them try to convert me to Judaism from Hulkamania if they can prove it is a better religion (fat chance, but I'll listen). And I feel it is always best to let them know that any further romantic interaction with me could end in a hell ride for her. Ladies don't like to be surprised by the most traumatic experience of their lives, so I'll warn them up front that shit could get ugly.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am looking for an exorcism from a Christian girl can u handle it

This sounds like the kinkiest shit ever. Unfortunately, Jose follows it up by going to a very dark and sad place.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am still in love with one girl but she wouldn't look my way if I were the last MAN on earth

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

SHE KNOWS WHO SHE IS

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

WHAT IS HATEFUL .ENVIOUS .AND ANGRY AND CAN'T FACE THE TRUTH

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ANSWER THE QUESTION

But never fear, Canseco lovers, as everything was fine a day later as it appears that baseball and partying has cured his broken heart.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am with a bunch of single ball players in Martinez lake Arizona huge house on dove rd come by girls and party

I guarantee if I come by with a 30-Pack of Natty Light, we aren't getting turned away from that party house. Anybody up for a road trip?

-Joe

P.S. Steven Seagal is absolutely pissed that Anderson Silva cannot punch fast. Fortunately, he takes out his aggressions and annihilates Silva. Seriously.

Taco Bell Has Created A Double Decker Utopia

Last year, I absolutely raved about Sneaky Taco Bell Guy and what the geniuses at Taco Bell were conveying in their fantastic commercial. Well, we can no longer chalk up that amazing commercial to luck as Taco Bell has another commercial that brings a smile to my face every time that I see it. The viewer believes they're watching a commercial about a taco, but in reality, it's a commercial about a better lifestyle. The taco is the quintessence of this lifestyle.

This commercial promotes the new Double Decker. Yes, a new Double Decker. Somehow, the masterminds at Taco Bell took their best item on the menu and made it better. Here is the video for those unfamiliar with the advertisement:

What sets this commercial apart from the crappy commercials with babies talking about investing and some white guy rapping about his cell phone service is that there is actually deep meaning within this commercial. In just 30 seconds, Taco Bell conveys a utopia, a dream world where different groups of people come together as one. We could only be so lucky to live in this place.

The first thing that is conveyed is the socioeconomic equality within this commercial. Here they are at a fancy cocktail party, but instead of having sushi or some fancy finger food, they go with 89 cent Cheesy Double Deckers. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, wealth has no advantages in this world.

Next up is that different races are able to mix together.

These two gals are having a great time, and the color of their skin does not matter. Everyone can enjoy a Cheesy Double Decker.

I actually found this third example of overall equality much later than the others. This commercial actually conveys that this world is completely tolerant of both hetero and homosexual relationships. Don't believe me? Check out this screen shot:

On the right, we have the traditional (although with mixed races) heterosexual relationship. The left side of the screen very clearly shows two well-dressed gentlemen enjoying each other's company. It's the perfect world, so they do not need to hide from the world. In Cheesy Double Decker Land, all life decisions are encouraged, as long as they lead to happiness. Obviously, a lot of religious zealots are not fond of the homosexual lifestyle, but Taco Bell has them in mind as well. Our Winning Taco Guy points the taco to draw attention to the normal relationship on his left (the viewer's right), so the deeply religious people can live in Cheesy Double Decker Land without having to worry about the evils (in their opinion) of homosexuality.

But the equality that pops out at even the most casual observer is that beautiful people and normal looking people are all together in this world without judgment on outward appearance. Now that's not to say that the people in this commercial are not trying; they are, but since nobody is judged on outward appearance, their effort comes from their own personal satisfaction as opposed to trying to conform to societal norms.

But what about the non-beautiful people? Well, just look at who is the most normal looking person. It's the guy who is celebrating his "Winning" Taco. He represents us. He is living our dream, as he has been placed in this utopia for no other reason but to obtain the maximum satisfaction from life. And he's achieving that. How many times have you been as happy as he is when he discovers his winning taco? Probably not too many. And that leads us to the most interesting screenshot of the entire commercial:

You see, although he finds this winner of Double Decker Tacos, it's not him that is the winner; it's the world. Hence, he holds out the taco, because he wants to share this amazing discovery with the viewer. And that is where the Cheesy Double Decker becomes so important to this commercial. We can't live in this world, but in a small way, we can bring this world to us.

The Cheesy Double Decker is a perfect utopia that has been brought to our normal existence. The meat is the rich people's source of protein while beans represent the poor person's source. The soft shell represents the white race, while the hard shell with its darker pigment represents all the races combining with the whites in perfect harmony. Although two cheeses coming together may seem unconventional, it is not only accepted, but encouraged in the Cheesy Double Decker. And the lettuce? It signifies normalcy in a world of beautiful flavors, because just like in this utopia, there's room for a little bit of everything in the Cheesy Double Decker.

Taco Bell isn't selling a Taco; they're selling a better life..and I'm buying.

-Joe

P.S. Here is another awesome Taco Bell commercial. The introduction of the Double Decker.