I'm convinced that nobody is satisfied with their body. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, I believe everyone wants to be just a little bit better. In fact, I would say there's a better chance of someone who doesn't workout being happy with their outward appearance than someone who spends a good amount of time in the gym. I wish I was above this feeling of inadequacy, but I know I'm never going to love my bod, and it's likely about to get a whole lot worse.
I'm 35 now, so my best athletic days are well behind me. Occasionally I'll sprint with the dog, and I realize that I am slower than shit. Not ideal, but it is what it is. Still, I've kept my weight under control and the body is fairly tight.
But for every moment that I start feeling pretty confident in how I look without a shirt, there is another moment where I can only look at how I'd like my lower abs to be a little tighter, my pecs a little bigger and even more symmetrical, even though nobody in this world will ever care that my right pec is slightly larger than my left. I would say that person does not exist, but I am that person. And I feel really good about where I'm at, especially at my advancing age. The body's never been perfect, so I think this is about as good as it's ever been. But there is always that knowledge that it could be better. At least I can take solace in the fact that I was blessed with a great set of yams.
I'm fairly well-adjusted. I can be happy with my body while still noticing areas of improvement, and I think that will stop me from ever being fully satisfied. At the same time, I know that I'm not willing to put the work in, partially because I've got bigger fish to fry, and even if I did make those improvements, there would always be something else that could improve.
And if you don't believe me that everyone is looking for improvement, let's just talk to Trey Adams, an offensive tackle that signed with the Buffalo Bills.
Trey "Inches" Adams keeps it real. Maybe a little too real.
Let's just be up front about things. This is a bad rap song. I am an awkward white person, and I have more flow than Kali Muscle. Still, this video is much more popular than anything I have ever written, so at least he has a good marketing team. And although this is a bad rap song, this is a GREAT rap video.
There's a lot going on there, so let's break it down chronologically. Probably the funniest part of the video for me happens right at the beginning, as he's cruising in his white sports car to impress everyone around. This man is a true baller, so where does he go?
Bank of America, bitches! He then passionately states, "These suckas got me mad, at the bank is when I'm glad." If that isn't the highest praise for Bank of America's customer service, I don't know what is. That should honestly be their new slogan. Also, he walks into the bank with a Ziploc bag of money, so it's not even like he's taking out money to buy cool stuff; he's just really excited about the interest rates in his savings account.
And although the bank is my most hilarious moment, even that does not compare to the storyline of this video. This is maybe the greatest meathead storyline in the history of storytelling. You see, there is somebody talking shit about Kali Muscle on the internet, and even worse, it's a nerd. How do we know it's a nerd? Well, he wears glasses.
And yes, the first time we see him, he is adjusting his glasses like the biggest nerd possible. He thinks he is safe to talk shit about Kali Muscle from the safety of his computer, but oh man, he has no idea what kind of trouble he is in.
That's right. Kali Muscle is a hacker. As he states in the song (without rhyming it with anything), "IP Address is easily obtained." Right after this is the point in the video where he starts walking around a cemetery dressed as a ghost.
I'd just like to point out how happy this would make me. Imagine being at a funeral for a loved one (for me, I imagine Ricky, the baby raccoon that used to live on our roof). That is very sad, but now imagine that some giant meathead was dressed as a ghost making a rap video while you were at that funeral. That makes death a whole lot easier to take, and if Ricky ever passes away, I would hope someone would get a meathead to perform this service to help with the grief.
Then KT starts rapping, and they are partying at a club. It is boring and generic. I've already written about it too much.
But back to important things. Remember how Mr. Muscle hacked this nerd's IP Address? Well, yeah, he found out where he lives, and it's time for this nerd to pay.
Hahaha, nerd. Don't talk shit on the internet if you don't want a large black man to hack your IP Address, break into your home, sneak up on you and choke you to death from behind. Oh, I guess I should have said spoiler alert on that, because this dude definitely dies, is thrown into a trash bag and disposed in the river. Kali Muscle also throws a Ziploc bag of money into the river.
I'm not sure where that money came from, and I especially don't know why he would do that. My only guess is that his Bank of America representative was there in a boat and was going to deliver the money to his savings account.
But death and strengthening his investments are still not good enough for Kali Muscle. He not only goes to the funeral, but he meets the family as well.
He embraces the nerd's Mom, and uh, guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, I know it isn't explicitly shown, but it is pretty clearly implied that if you talk trash to Kali Muscle on the internet, he will find your IP Address, hunt you down, murder you, and then have sex with your grieving mother.
And that, my friends, is the very definition of FLEXIN.
I am moving, so I recently ended my gym membership. That membership was to a Planet Fitness. Many people like Planet Fitness, because it is $10 a month. Outside of that, there isn't much that stands about it in the positive sense. For me, it was less than a mile away, but I don't think they can guarantee that for all members. Still, the rules of Planet Fitness are the biggest bunch of hypocrisy in the fitness industry, and that's saying something.
Planet Fitness claims to be a "Judgment Free Zone." The whole reason of going to the gym is to judge others. I mean, yeah, you want to improve your own health, but let's be real here; you're only going to the gym to look and feel better so you can feel superior to all the average frustrated chumps out there. There is not a single person that I don't judge in the gym. The guy that weighs 50 pounds more than me and lifts 50 pounds less? Yeah, he's getting judged. The gal who is talking with her friend between sets instead of getting to work? Judged. Old ladies? Judged. Children? Judged. They are all judged in comparison to me, and not a single one measures up.
I realize this makes me an asshole when I go to the gym, but when I leave the gym, I can turn back into a fully-functioning adult. Planet Fitness tries to be high and mighty with their "Judgment Free Zone," but they are just as judgmental as me; they just add hypocrisy on top of it. Just look at this shit.
This sign is as judgmental as any sign that has ever existed. They even added an alarm to draw attention to their judgments and whether you fit in with what they have decided people should behave like at the gym. And this is not a gym etiquette thing where a patron is hurting others with their behavior; this could just be a guy trying to maximize his time in the gym. Nothing wrong with that. But let's break down everything that is judgmental about this sign:
Lunk
Well, that's a derogatory term for anyone. I don't think anyone wants to be a lunk, and name-calling sure seems judgmental. On the bright side, it is only one letter away from being a hunk, and that is a group that I have been a proud card-carrying member since birth. But is being a lunk enough to be called out, even by PF's own definition? I certainly think not. Here are their "crimes."
Grunts
Seriously? Sometimes you push yourself and you need to expel a little air in an intense matter. I feel like they would also frown upon you expelling air from another end, but that is something that I do with no remorse at the gym as well. If you've gotta fart, you can either hold it in and not get a good pump, or you can let it fly while gaining size.
Drops Weights
Now dropping weights is definitely a bad thing to do in the gym, but I see this happen far more often with people who don't know what they are doing than with so-called lunks. I'm all for idiots not being allowed in gyms, but this still seems awfully judgmental to me.
Judges
Wait, what? I'm only halfway through this sign, and literally the only thing that it preaches is to judge people who work out differently than your prescribed version of "normal." You literally created an alarm to draw attention to your judgments and shame those who do not fit your preconceived notion of what an acceptable workout is.
Rick
Rick, it rhymes with Dick. Very clever, Planet Fitness. Still, this disparages Ravishing Rick Rude, and I just can't stand for that.
Slamming His Weights
Slightly worse than dropping weights, which we have already discussed.
Wearing a bodybuilding tanktop
Do I find bodybuilding tanktops ridiculous? Of course I do, but that doesn't mean I don't support them, as I also find them hilarious. Nobody needs any more specialized gear beyond shoes, shorts, and shirt, and if you think you do, you're likely a moron. If you can manage to lift heavy weights, you can probably manage to lift the fabric of a t-shirt as well. Still, people wear all kinds of stupid shit to the gym, and I find it far less awkward to see somebody wearing a tanktop than I do when somebody comes cruising in with a big gulp and a pair of jeans.
Drinking out of a gallon water jug
Really? Is this worth taking a stand on? To judge someone for taking an extra step in staying hydrated? As long as they don't leave their water jug on equipment to prevent people from using them, I really can't find much fault with someone drinking a proper amount of water during their workout, and I feel like you'd have to be kind of a judgmental asshole to think otherwise.
And this is just one sign that hangs in a place that claims to be a "judgment free zone." It's not about being free of judgment. It's about being free of judgment as long as you conform to what they have determined to be "normal people" gym behavior. There are many dictators who have had similar beliefs. Planet Fitness has created a safe gym environment for its members, that is, as long as you're not a Lunk.
One thing that is abundantly clear when watching early episodes of Raw is that Vince McMahon really wanted ICOPRO to succeed. It was around this time when Vince created a bodybuilding league, because McMahon was and still is obsessed with physiques but is unfortunately in a very small minority when it comes to that. Still, with that obsession with bodybuilding, he also got into the supplement game with ICOPRO.
Now you may be asking yourself: ICOPRO, that's six letters, this must be an incredibly long name, but don't worry, it actually stands for Integrated COnditioning PROgram. He would have gone with ICP, but let's face it, McMahon is not down with the clown and would never pledge his allegiance as a Juggalo.
The most important part of ICOPRO is that it led to wrestlers being involved in awkward promotions for the product with the simple catchphrase of, "You gotta want it." Let's first check in with Bret Hart.
He had the opportunity to speak the most, but only mixed in the catchphrase within a full sentence in the middle of his nine second soliloquy. He also mentions that an "integrated approach to training" is what ICOPRO is all about instead of saying an Integrated COnditioning PROgram, which is what ICOPRO is actually all about.
And that is just about what he said. It is much more important to talk about what else is going on in this commercial. He has an ICOPRO tank which is understandable. His hair is wet, but Bret Hart was in a consistent state of wet hair, so I can't complain too much about that. Leather workout gloves? Come on, Bret, you are better than that, and to be fair, Bret proves that he is better than that as he is holding onto the WWF Title, which I guess he is using as a weight belt? If so, that is about as boss as it gets.
Next up, we have Lex Luger.
Lex delivers his line very well, and I at least give him respect for not wearing workout gloves. But I do wonder why anybody would need an outfit change for a workout? What I'm guessing is that bodybuilding tank actually started off as a shirt, and it eventually just shredded to the point where he had to go to his black ICOPRO shirt. Also, some shorter shorts would have helped, as I got way too intimate with Lex's "total package."
Finally, the bad guy, Razor Ramon.
Out of Bret Hart, Lex Luger, and Razor Ramon, you would assume that Razor would be the one guy you would want speaking, but it was the opposite as the bad guy didn't say anything. He did get the Lex Luger treatment with a wardrobe change, but that makes sense when he switched from curls to military presses. Still, Razor remains a true baller as he works out with a toothpick in his mouth. That's a boss move.
And those three guys make me want to give ICOPRO a try. I can work out with a toothpick in my mouth, a title belt around my waist, while letting the ladies know my circumcision situation without ever uttering a word. Unfortunately, ICOPRO has not been made for about 20 years. But this is the cause that a wrestler needs to take up and make happen. CM Punk failed with the ice cream bars, but couldn't Cesaro bring back ICOPRO? Why Cesaro? Well, I'm guessing that whatever was in ICOPRO can no longer be legally manufactured in the United States, so Cesaro is the perfect guy to open up the European markets. Come on, WWE, you've gotta want it.
