The WWE Is Ruining... Heavy Machinery

Ah, Heavy Machinery, we hardly knew ye. This is something I said repeatedly when they were ripped away from NXT far before their time. WWE weirdly decides that some guys are ready before they’ve put the finishing touches on their act, and Heavy Machinery needed some more seasoning before being done in developmental.

They were starting to have good matches, and they got “Steaks and Weights” over, but there was no other substance to them. If you think about wrestlers that were brought up to the main roster after a brief stint on NXT TV, it’s just an awful group. Scanning the list, I’m finding such luminaries as EC3, the entire Riott Squad, and Apollo Crews spring to mind. And really, if you didn’t hold a title in NXT, the results are fairly grim outside of Baron Corbin, who I can’t remember holding a title on the main roster, and he’s their best example of someone rising above.

They had a lot of fluff, but they weren’t allowed to develop their stuff, so instead of people giving them a “Holy Shit” level of excitement, they came out to an “Oh, that’s cool,” level of excitement, and that won’t carry you very far.

So now, Otis is in a jokey love angle with Mandy Rose, and those always make superstars, while Tucker...exists. They’re kind of in the title picture, because all tag teams are kind of in the title picture, but the WWE doesn’t put a lot of effort into the tag division, so I don’t have high hopes.

If anything, I’d like to see them come back to Full Sail and get a bit of an edge. They’re big dudes, but they’re seen as more jokers than badasses, and it’s fine to have fun, but people should be scared that they are going to literally rip your limbs off and squash you like a bug. With that, and the natural charisma that Otis has (Tucker isn’t as bad as most people seem to think, just not on that same level), they could actually create a viable tag team that could carry the belts for six months while putting on a variety of interesting matchups.

Otherwise, they can steal the Big O’s catchphrase of “More Weights Equals More Dates,” and they can start dating both members of Fire and Desire.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Aiden English
AJ Styles

Akam
Aleister Black

Ali
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Angelo Dawkins
Apollo Crews
Baron Corbin

Bayley
Big E
Big Show
Bo Dallas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Braun Strowman
Bray Wyatt

Brock Lesnar
Buddy Murphy
Carmella
Cesaro
Chad Gable

Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Curtis Axel

Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Drew McIntyre

Elias

Ember Moon
Epico

Erick Rowan

Finn Balor

Goldust
Gran Metalik

Jey Uso
Jimmy Uso
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson

Kevin Owens
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Konnor

Lacey Evans

Lana

Lio Rush

Luke Gallows
Luke Harper

Matt Hardy

Mickie James
Miz

Mojo Rawley

Montez Ford
Natalya
Nia Jax

No Way Jose
Peyton Royce
Primo

R-Truth

Randy Orton

Rey Mysterio

Rezar

Ricochet

Ronda Rousey

Ruby Riott

Rusev
Sarah Logan

Scott Dawson
Shane McMahon
Sheamus

Shelton Benjamin

Shinsuke Nakamura
Sonya Deville

Tamina

Tyler Breeze

Viktor

Zack Ryder

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Kali Muscle's "FLEXIN" Video

Let's just be up front about things. This is a bad rap song. I am an awkward white person, and I have more flow than Kali Muscle. Still, this video is much more popular than anything I have ever written, so at least he has a good marketing team. And although this is a bad rap song, this is a GREAT rap video. 

There's a lot going on there, so let's break it down chronologically. Probably the funniest part of the video for me happens right at the beginning, as he's cruising in his white sports car to impress everyone around. This man is a true baller, so where does he go?

Bank of America, bitches! He then passionately states, "These suckas got me mad, at the bank is when I'm glad." If that isn't the highest praise for Bank of America's customer service, I don't know what is. That should honestly be their new slogan. Also, he walks into the bank with a Ziploc bag of money, so it's not even like he's taking out money to buy cool stuff; he's just really excited about the interest rates in his savings account.

And although the bank is my most hilarious moment, even that does not compare to the storyline of this video. This is maybe the greatest meathead storyline in the history of storytelling. You see, there is somebody talking shit about Kali Muscle on the internet, and even worse, it's a nerd. How do we know it's a nerd? Well, he wears glasses.

And yes, the first time we see him, he is adjusting his glasses like the biggest nerd possible. He thinks he is safe to talk shit about Kali Muscle from the safety of his computer, but oh man, he has no idea what kind of trouble he is in. 

That's right. Kali Muscle is a hacker. As he states in the song (without rhyming it with anything), "IP Address is easily obtained." 

Right after this is the point in the video where he starts walking around a cemetery dressed as a ghost.

I'd just like to point out how happy this would make me. Imagine being at a funeral for a loved one (for me, I imagine Ricky, the baby raccoon that used to live on our roof). That is very sad, but now imagine that some giant meathead was dressed as a ghost making a rap video while you were at that funeral. That makes death a whole lot easier to take, and if Ricky ever passes away, I would hope someone would get a meathead to perform this service to help with the grief.

Then KT starts rapping, and they are partying at a club. It is boring and generic. I've already written about it too much.

But back to important things. Remember how Mr. Muscle hacked this nerd's IP Address? Well, yeah, he found out where he lives, and it's time for this nerd to pay.

Hahaha, nerd. Don't talk shit on the internet if you don't want a large black man to hack your IP Address, break into your home, sneak up on you and choke you to death from behind. Oh, I guess I should have said spoiler alert on that, because this dude definitely dies, is thrown into a trash bag and disposed in the river. Kali Muscle also throws a Ziploc bag of money into the river.

I'm not sure where that money came from, and I especially don't know why he would do that. My only guess is that his Bank of America representative was there in a boat and was going to deliver the money to his savings account.

But death and strengthening his investments are still not good enough for Kali Muscle. He not only goes to the funeral, but he meets the family as well.

He embraces the nerd's Mom, and uh, guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, I know it isn't explicitly shown, but it is pretty clearly implied that if you talk trash to Kali Muscle on the internet, he will find your IP Address, hunt you down, murder you, and then have sex with your grieving mother. 

And that, my friends, is the very definition of FLEXIN.

Planet Fitness and the Hypocrisy of the Judgment Free Zone

I am moving, so I recently ended my gym membership. That membership was to a Planet Fitness. Many people like Planet Fitness, because it is $10 a month. Outside of that, there isn't much that stands about it in the positive sense. For me, it was less than a mile away, but I don't think they can guarantee that for all members. Still, the rules of Planet Fitness are the biggest bunch of hypocrisy in the fitness industry, and that's saying something.

Planet Fitness claims to be a "Judgment Free Zone." The whole reason of going to the gym is to judge others. I mean, yeah, you want to improve your own health, but let's be real here; you're only going to the gym to look and feel better so you can feel superior to all the average frustrated chumps out there. There is not a single person that I don't judge in the gym. The guy that weighs 50 pounds more than me and lifts 50 pounds less? Yeah, he's getting judged. The gal who is talking with her friend between sets instead of getting to work? Judged. Old ladies? Judged. Children? Judged. They are all judged in comparison to me, and not a single one measures up.

I realize this makes me an asshole when I go to the gym, but when I leave the gym, I can turn back into a fully-functioning adult. Planet Fitness tries to be high and mighty with their "Judgment Free Zone," but they are just as judgmental as me; they just add hypocrisy on top of it. Just look at this shit.

This sign is as judgmental as any sign that has ever existed. They even added an alarm to draw attention to their judgments and whether you fit in with what they have decided people should behave like at the gym. And this is not a gym etiquette thing where a patron is hurting others with their behavior; this could just be a guy trying to maximize his time in the gym. Nothing wrong with that. But let's break down everything that is judgmental about this sign:

Lunk
Well, that's a derogatory term for anyone. I don't think anyone wants to be a lunk, and name-calling sure seems judgmental. On the bright side, it is only one letter away from being a hunk, and that is a group that I have been a proud card-carrying member since birth. But is being a lunk enough to be called out, even by PF's own definition? I certainly think not. Here are their "crimes."

Grunts
Seriously? Sometimes you push yourself and you need to expel a little air in an intense matter. I feel like they would also frown upon you expelling air from another end, but that is something that I do with no remorse at the gym as well. If you've gotta fart, you can either hold it in and not get a good pump, or you can let it fly while gaining size.

Drops Weights
Now dropping weights is definitely a bad thing to do in the gym, but I see this happen far more often with people who don't know what they are doing than with so-called lunks. I'm all for idiots not being allowed in gyms, but this still seems awfully judgmental to me.

Judges
Wait, what? I'm only halfway through this sign, and literally the only thing that it preaches is to judge people who work out differently than your prescribed version of "normal." You literally created an alarm to draw attention to your judgments and shame those who do not fit your preconceived notion of what an acceptable workout is.

Rick 
Rick, it rhymes with Dick. Very clever, Planet Fitness. Still, this disparages Ravishing Rick Rude, and I just can't stand for that. 

Slamming His Weights
Slightly worse than dropping weights, which we have already discussed.

Wearing a bodybuilding tanktop
Do I find bodybuilding tanktops ridiculous? Of course I do, but that doesn't mean I don't support them, as I also find them hilarious. Nobody needs any more specialized gear beyond shoes, shorts, and shirt, and if you think you do, you're likely a moron. If you can manage to lift heavy weights, you can probably manage to lift the fabric of a t-shirt as well. Still, people wear all kinds of stupid shit to the gym, and I find it far less awkward to see somebody wearing a tanktop than I do when somebody comes cruising in with a big gulp and a pair of jeans.

Drinking out of a gallon water jug
Really? Is this worth taking a stand on? To judge someone for taking an extra step in staying hydrated? As long as they don't leave their water jug on equipment to prevent people from using them, I really can't find much fault with someone drinking a proper amount of water during their workout, and I feel like you'd have to be kind of a judgmental asshole to think otherwise.

And this is just one sign that hangs in a place that claims to be a "judgment free zone." It's not about being free of judgment. It's about being free of judgment as long as you conform to what they have determined to be "normal people" gym behavior. There are many dictators who have had similar beliefs. Planet Fitness has created a safe gym environment for its members, that is, as long as you're not a Lunk.

We Need To Talk About DJ MuscleBoy's "MuscleBells"

The holidays may be over, but there is still some brilliance trickling out from this joyous season. One of these things is DJ MuscleBoy's Christmas hit, "MuscleBells." If you're anything like me, you are sick and tired of all those tired Christmas songs about weaklings. Christmas is not a holiday for the weak; it's one for the strong, and finally DJ MuscleBoy has supplied us with our anthem.

There is a lot to take in during this video. Let's address the elephant in the room: Hot chicks. There are good looking women in this video and closeups of just about every part of their anatomy. Bravo to the director of the video. I really can't offer much more insight on that regard, but I have thoughts about many other things in this video.

Let's start at the beginning. Santa Claus is looking into the distance. For what? A child in need? A homeless shelter to bring joy to?

Oh no, he's looking for a barbell, because you bet your ass it is time to do some dead lifts.

This establishes everything for the video. Some other highlights include:

DJ MuscleBoy is really getting into the Santa character as he is handing out supps that would make even the jolly guy slightly envious. Boys, ladies, everybody gets to get a premium pump this holiday season.

There isn't much that actually has to do with a Christmas in this song, but he does drop some great one liners. Let's rank the top three.

3. "Who needs Jingle Bells when you have dumbbells?"
This is an excellent question, and I hereby announce my support the abolishment of Jingle Bells. If somebody wants to play Jingle Bells, point them to the dumbbells and improve their life for the better.

2. "Drop the bass Jesus"
This one is put as a hashtag for the song, and it seems pretty positive for Jesus. Maybe this is a religious song?

1. "Goddamn, that's a muscular Jesus...come on Jesus, pump the Goddamn weight."
So, yeah...I don't think this is a religious song. It seems that it was rather needless to use the Lord's name in vein twice, but he did it. At first, he at least compliments Jesus, but he quickly follows that up by saying that Jesus needs to give him more in the weight room. But everybody knows that Jesus was not a mass guy, he was a wiry strength guy.

That's all great, but nothing compares to him acting as Santa. He goes into a baby's room, and gives that little baby boy a present.

Yep, he just gave that baby Anabolic Freak, a testosterone/hormone stimulator. It would have been more responsible to give that baby unmarked needles and let the kid go wild. But this is not about responsibility, this is about gains, and that baby is about to be jacked to the gills.

I know that Christmas may have come and gone, but this song is great year-round. New Year's Day? More like New Year's Gains.  More like Valentine's Day? More Like MAXentine's Day. St. Patrick's Day? That one's easy, St. Lat Raise Day. The list goes on and on. So eat right, supp right, and lift everything in sight.