Which Presidential Candidate Would You Most Want To Get A Beer With?

Politics are stupid. There’s so much bullshit that it can get exhausting, and even I admit that I would probably be happier if I ignored everything. If you’re able to ignore everything, you should selfishly do that. But as I’ve grown older, I have learned to care for people outside of myself. It has led to me having a wife, son, and dog, all three of which I think are pretty cool. As a white guy who will be dead before global warming destroys the world, I’m going to be fine, no matter who is in charge, but since I care about others outside of myself, I can’t help but pay attention to this stupid bullshit.

Speaking of stupid bullshit, I am going to break down the candidates by who I think would be best to have a beer with. I’m all in for Bernie with my vote, but this is an objective list, so he will definitely not get the top spot here. Also, if he was still running, Andrew Yang would have probably been the top choice in this metric.

9. Amy Klobuchar

You’re probably thinking that I’m putting Klobuchar last since she is an awful human being who abuses her employees, but if I’m just having a beer with someone, that’s not going to totally register for me. No, my big issue is that she just comes across as someone who is loud all of the time. It’s a common defense mechanism for unfunny people who won’t say anything clever, but they will say something mildly offbeat VERY LOUDLY, and that gets them a positive reaction. I personally just want those people to be quiet as I would rather just chill and enjoy my beer while having a reasonably volumed conversation.

8. Donald Trump

Next on the list is Donald Trump, who you may think is even louder than Klobuchar, but I think he’s more boisterous and although he is a lout, he can have normal volumed conversations. No, my big issue with Trump is I get exhausted by people who have to put themselves over. Like, congratulations on your accomplishments, but stories of success are super boring. Give me the great failures, because those are way more engaging and often hilarious. Only insecure people need to brag about themselves which is why people who post a lot on social media are often very sad and insecure, just like our president. Also, there is no way he’d pick up the tab.

7. Bernie Sanders

I told you this list was objective, and unfortunately, I have to put Bernie fairly low. Bernie loves talking about issues and helping people most in need, and even though we’re on the same page on that stuff, I really just want to enjoy my beer and watch the game. “Yes, Bernie, I know we need medicare for all, but that doesn’t really relate to the important topic of the Bears quarterback situation.” It’d probably be exhausting, and as low as I am ranking him, he would probably rank me lower which I am totally fine with, because I do kind of suck.

6. Mike Bloomberg

I don’t really think this would be enjoyable, but Mike is so stupid rich that even after we shared a beer, he’d tell the bartender to put my drinks on his tab for the rest of the night. I think in a short period of time, he would only say one or two offensive things about minorities, but hopefully the long night of alcohol would wipe those from my memories.

Also, I know Bloomberg is a massive piece of shit in nearly countless real-world ways, but the most offensive thing he has proposed is an open office situation where no one has any privacy and he can look down on everyone’s work. What a damn clown.

5. Tulsi Gabbard

Sometimes Tulsi says things that I like, and other times, she says things that really confuse me. I may like her, I may not, but I don’t think she would be an offensive guest to join me for a beer. And now we take a huge jump forward and go to the people I think I would really enjoy having a beer with.

4. Pete Buttigieg

I know this one seems odd, because as a Bernie supporter, I must hate everything about Mayor Pete. I usually follow the rules, but I’m pretty sure I would enjoy having a beer with Pete. Pete is a scum of the Earth, former McKinsey employee, which is just an awful organization that tries to accomplish nothing but awful things. But McKinsey does hire smart people, and I’m guessing with Pete’s political success, he’s probably a pretty charming guy in the right situation. In fact, I have experience of briefly hanging out with somebody very similar to Pete in Jeff Luhnow. Luhnow is seen as a scumbag, and he probably is, but the guy knows how to work a room and make everyone feel welcomed. I have completely enjoyed my brief interactions with the guy, and I’m guessing Pete would be the same way. I think Pete and I would both really enjoy talking and having a cold brewski.

3. Elizabeth Warren

Warren is a smart lady, she actually likes to drink beer, or is at least willing to pretend, which is all that I’m really asking for. Also, although she doesn’t seem funny, she at least seems to have a sense of humor. Honestly, she carries a lot of the appeal of a beer with Buttigieg but without being inherently evil. I feel like I would enjoy having a beer with someone who is not evil as opposed to someone who is.

2. Joe Biden

Joe Biden would be a blast to have a beer with. Would he make some inappropriate jokes? For sure, but that’s just guys being dudes. Would he say something to the lady bartender or waitress? You know how us guys be. Would he say something super offensive that you try to excuse as, “Oh, he’s just from a different generation,” but that phrase would linger with you for a while, and you’d realize that, no, he really shouldn’t have said that? 100%, and that is why I can only put him at #2 on this list.

1. Tom Steyer

This may seem like a shocking choice for number one, but Tom Steyer just seems like a positive guy. I don’t think I could possibly have a down night while hanging out with Tom Steyer. I think he would be really engaged in whatever conversation I wanted to talk about (the answer is always Iowa Wrestling). He would find everything I said to be fascinating, and we would laugh and just have a great time. He would definitely ask me if I wanted to do shots, and I’d have to break the news to him that I don’t do shots anymore. But he’d press along, and since we were having a good time, I’d end up breaking my own rule. Then he would order Irish Car Bombs, and I would protest since those are definitely not shots, but he’d say that he already ordered them, and there’s no way he could drink two of them. I hate being wasteful so I’d end up chugging one. I’d think to myself, “Man, those are good. I forgot how good those were.” It would probably spiral from there, and the next morning I would wake up with the worst hangover I have had in a decade. 

But Tom and I would have still had one hell of a time.

Nobody Can Possibly Be Mad About This

Anytime my hometown of Davenport, Iowa is in the news, it is for something shockingly stupid. D-Port Represent! The most recent example is no exception as we have an argument over free speech or hate speech. You can check out the full article here, but I can also sum it up fairly easily. Local man has too much time and snow on his hands so he builds a snowman who is both chainsawing and gunning down Bernie Sanders and a random democratic supporter. Also the attacker has a can of Busch Light, because of course he does; it’s Iowa. 

On top of that, he put up a political sign, “Hesseltine 2020” just so everybody knows who did it. 

And, of course, people are outraged. Someone might see the military snowman, down a 30 of Busch Light and chainsaw a democratic presidential candidate in half, I guess? It’s all so stupid. It reminds me of Iowa Hawkeye fans getting mad because Stanford made fun of Iowa during halftime of the Rose Bowl. Like, nobody could actually be mad about that, right? Yet, somehow people are. 

And Donald Hesseltine openly admits that he is just trolling people. Here are some of his quotes:

“I put it up there to mess with them.”

“It’s just to make people cry I guess.”

“They’re crying so I win.”

Okay, let’s take a moment and recognize that, “They’re crying so I win” is a slogan that could probably sell millions of dollars worth of merchandise. 

But it’s all just so stupid. And since everyone in Iowa knows each other, I do need to point out that Donnie was a friend of mine in high school, and I would have no issue grabbing a beer with him if I was back in Iowa. But he’s clearly a troll; he’s always been a troll, just doing shit to make people mad, and I think he would even point that out himself. He is doing nothing to hide the fact that he thought it would be funny to make people mad, and people are still getting mad about this stupid shit which turned something that maybe 100 people would have seen into something that millions of people have seen. 

So, please, don’t get mad at the snowmen, because they have different political opinions than you. Just ignore those men of snow and focus on...literally anything else. 

D-Port Represent!

It's Your Turn To Feel The Bern

I don’t talk politics too much here on the blog, but I’m throwing my support behind Bernie Sanders for the democratic primary. I know we have a lot of readers in an early primary state, so I just want to share my opinions about how I got to that choice.

First off, I think I need to recognize that I have been secluded in a Bernie Bubble. Social media has made it easy to surround yourself with like-minded people, so I think it’s important to open my mind and recognize why people like other candidates.

Donald Trump - Let’s recognize that the man is funny and charismatic. Even if you really hate him, you need to recognize that people are drawn to him and he’s said some legitimately funny things. First he made fun of Jeb Bush for being a mama’s boy, and when Jeb said that his mother was the strongest woman that he knows, Trump replied, “She should be running.” That’s legitimately funny.

Joe Biden - Obama kind of liked him back in the day. Reminds you of your racist grandpa that you justify their comments with, “He grew up in a different time.” That’s sweet.

Elizabeth Warren - Is a woman. She knows a lot about financial institutions which makes her qualified to tackle income inequality in this country. Has a cute dog.

Pete Buttigieg - Could be the first gay president. Probably knows a lot about wine.

Cory Booker - Minority candidate who dates an actress and unapologetically tells Dad jokes. That might make him the winner of candidate I’d most like to have a beer with.

Andrew Yang - $1,000 a month? Hell yeah! He cusses. Plus, he is good at math because of racist stereotypes. Probably the candidate I’d most like to smoke weed with.

Amy Klobuchar - Is unapologetically an asshole who wants nothing to get better who is only doing this to make rich friends so she can finally sit at the cool table. Even I love how honest she is in her ambitions.

Michael Bloomberg - Makes me feel tall.

Tom Steyer - Is also running for president

Okay, I recognized I was in a Bernie Bubble, but I emerged to find the best qualities in each of the other candidates. My case for Bernie is super simple. I don’t agree with him on everything but he’s strong on climate change and he’s the only candidate with a strong plan for Medicare For All. Those are the biggest issues facing the United States at this time.

I also think he has the best chance of any of the democratic candidates. I saw somebody point out that the most exciting candidate has continually won the election over at least the last 30 years. Think about the boring ass dopes that ran against Clinton, Bush, Obama, and Trump. Was anyone excited about Older Bush, Dole, Gore, Kerry, McCain, Romney, or Lady Clinton? No, I’m not sure if I could come up with a more milquetoast group of people if I tried. Andrew Yang is the only other candidate that people are actually excited to support. The other candidates people just support because they think they have a chance, but there is nothing exciting about any of them. Bernie’s rallies are the biggest, he has the most donors, and the most money coming in despite not having big money donors. Bernie isn’t the most exciting guy, but he has exciting ideas, and people actually want to vote for him on the strength of Bernie, not the weaknesses of his competitors.

I think a big reason for that is Bernie is the only candidate who is not simply running to become President. He actually wants to improve the lives of Americans, and he knows this is the only way to get it done. When I look at every other candidate, I see people vying for president just so they can say they were president. It reminds me of when I ran for Junior Class President even though the only responsibility of that position was planning Prom, something I had zero interest in, much like these people have zero interest in improving the lives of Americans. Most of them don’t want anything to change which means I at least respect Amy Klobuchar for being honest about it. The only two that would bring some change are Yang and Warren. Yang has seedlings of good plans, but they haven’t grown into viable ideas, while Warren has already backtracked on medicare for all, and the longer this goes, the worse people are going to feel about her.

Even if your political opinions don’t totally align, at least recognize that Bernie Sanders actually seems to care about working class people in this country. He’s not a perfect candidate, but at least he wants to make things better. We could do far worse than that.

At Least Feel Guilty About It

We live in a horrifically messed up society. Our president is a man baby who only cares about himself. I honestly don't think he has any ill will towards immigrants, but he sees an opportunity to increase his popularity, and he would do anything for that. If people he never met die because of his words, it's not going to phase him, because he simply doesn't give a shit. There's no bad intentions from him, but if people die, they die, and he's fine with that. If a second holocaust would increase his popularity, you bet your ass that he would be the first to preheat the ovens, and he wouldn't feel one bit of guilt.

Somehow, nearly as messed up, is that there are "intellectuals" who defend Donald Trump. I use the term intellectual, because literally the only thing you need to do to be considered one is to take a contrarian view and...actually, that's it. Just take a contrarian view. You don't have to make a compelling argument, you don't have to provide evidence. Then they got commended by other privileged assholes for having such a fascinating opinion.

Then, despite their being no evidence, people believe this ridiculously stupid shit. People actually think that Donald Trump cares about them; people think vaccinations are bad, and people don't think raping women and lying about it matters when selecting a member of the Supreme Court. How are these actual things that people believe in?

Worst of all, there are people who vote for Republicans and don't feel guilty about it. I was born and raised in a state that has had Steve King in office for 15 years, and he doesn't even attempt to hide his racism. Republicans only goal is to make the very richest people on this planet richer. If it kills poor people, they do not give one shit. How is it possible to not support healthcare for all? Like, how can someone consciously think that people should die in order for them to pay $75 less in taxes? How could someone vote for that platform and not feel guilty?

Let me make this clear: If you vote Republican, you are a bad person. You are actively hurting those most in need and helping those who have no needs at all. I'm not perfect, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I am not intentionally hurting the less fortunate.

I should note that most Democrats are awful pieces of shit too. Their biggest fight is for decorum, but enough of them fall in line when it matters that they let this evil shit happen. Although there are some good ones (my current state, Florida, appears to have an awesome one running for governor), there are many that are just the lesser of two evils. But that lesser of two evils is at least not actively trying to enact laws that kill poor people and minorities, and in my book, that is a pretty freaking big deal.

I'm not expecting this to change anyone's mind, but when you go and vote, just think about what you are actually voting for. If you are comfortable with innocent people suffering just so you can get a 60 inch instead of a 55 inch TV, then go for it.

But at least feel guilty about it.

The WWE Is Ruining... Bobby Lashley

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, we focus on how the WWE is ruining...Bobby Lashley? Oh, shit, maybe random wasn't the best way to decide this, but here we are, so let's get going on Big Bob.

As anyone who is reading this probably knows, Bobby Lashley is not the darling of the internet wrestling community. He's not a guy who crushed it on the independents with amazing moves before finally being recognized after years of mastering his craft at smaller shows. Instead, he is a black Incredible Hulk, absolutely jacked and shredded from head to toe. If you're like Vince McMahon and love bodies, then you love Bobby Lashley. If you love work rate, he's probably not your cup of tea.

As somebody who grew up on the WWE in the 80s and 90s, and someone who has traveled across the country multiple times to watch independent wrestling, Obviously, independent wrestling is the world's greatest live entertainment art form, and I'm also somebody who still wonders why Adam Bomb was not the next Hulk Hogan. I love work rate and body guys. There is value in a guy like Bobby Lashley, because he LOOKS like a pro wrestler. You line up all the wrestlers, and Bobby Lashley is in the top five of guys who look like they should be champion.

But when I see Bobby Lashley pop up on the screen, I would very much like him to leave the premises immediately. That is because the WWE has portrayed him as someone who SUUUUUUUUUCKS. Dude sucks so hard. His only memorable gimmick to this point is that he really loves his sisters; that may be the shittiest identifier in wrestling history.

The biggest issue with Lashley is that throughout his entire WWE run, he's been a good guy instead of a bad guy. It's weird to think of now, but him wrestling on behalf of Donald Trump was actually the good guy thing to do, but I am proud to admit that I was rooting for Trump to lose his hair, but that was due to the spectacle of it all as opposed to knowing that Donald Trump is a massive piece of shit.

But Bobby Lashley succeeded as a face during a different time in the WWE. Fans were, quite frankly, simpler beings then. They did cheer for the good guys, even if they preferred their good guys with a bit of an edge. The guys that are universally loved these days are the indy darlings, and there is no way to go back and give Lashley that sort of credibility. Instead, do what's natural and make Lashley a quiet heel. There is no reason for Lashley to speak, because that dude takes his shirt off, and you already hate him a little bit, strictly out of envy. On top of that, the guy is a legit badass who was fairly successful in the MMA world.

The WWE really only has one course of action. Do what's natural and take the natural heat that this guy gets and make him an ultra heel. They have started to make a change with Lashley with his alliance with Lio Rush, a mouthpiece (and also an incredible wrestler), who can do dirty work for him. And really, they have him in a perfect feud as he can take out indy darling, Kevin Owens, who is one of those guys that is so cool that it's kind of impossible for him to be truly hated, so let Lashley embrace his natural ability to walk into a room and be hated and turn that shit up to ten. Bobby Lashley should have a smug look on his face every time he walks into a room, because that dude is as alpha as it gets, and even though I'm a very logical person, I can't help but hate him for it. And use that MMA background to use his shoot fighting skills to punish his opponents. The only thing worse than hating someone is hating someone who you know can kick your ass.

Right now, Bobby Lashley is a square peg that won't fit into a round hole, but he'd fit perfectly into the role of an asshole. And much like an asshole, this man's best work is silent but deadly.

EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Former Donald Trump Advisor, John Miller

***Guest Post from Lukewarm Jonah***

We have an amazing scoop here at The Jonah Show.  I’ve managed to find John Miller, former Trump employee and secure an interview.  He didn’t want to be on tape, but graciously agreed to let me transcribe our interview.  Truly, this is a major break for us to interview someone who was very close to the now president of the United States.

Jonah: First of all, thank you so much for being here.

John Miller: My pleasure, thank you for having me.

Jonah: Let’s dive right into it, what is your relationship to President Trump?

Miller: I worked PR, public relations for him in the early 90’s.

Jonah: Just a business relationship then?

Miller: Well, a business relationship, but also a friendship.  He trusted me, he knew I was good at what I do, so he hired me in a professional manner.

Jonah: I have to ask about the famous 1991 People magazine article that got a lot of press a few months ago.

Miller: Go ahead.

Jonah: Thank you, first of all, was that you on the tape?

Miller: Yes that was me.

Jonah: You know a lot of people who heard that thought it sounded like Mr. Trump.

Miller: I can understand people hearing those similarities but it was definitely me.  I remember doing that interview.

Jonah: OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way, what about  the things you said during the interview?  Were they all true?

Miller: Well, no, not all of them.

Jonah: So you lied during the interview?

Miller: I did my job to promote Mr. Trump and in doing so said some things that weren’t exactly true.  I was a publicist, part of my job was spinning things positively, and sometimes that included embellishing certain things.

Jonah: What in particular did you embellish?

Miller: I mean, I don’t know exactly what was said and what was an embellishment.

Jonah: I’m going to go through a few claims here and you tell me whether they were true or whether they were, as you say, an embellishment.  Is that OK?

Miller: Yes that’s fine.

Jonah:  Alright, did he ever date Carla Bruni, the former first lady of France?

Miller: No, I don’t believe I ever said he did.

Jonah: Let me look here, well no you didn’t say he ever dated her but you implied that she was interested in him.

Miller: That’s PR.

Jonah: Fair enough.  The article does outright state that Madonna called and asked Mr. Trump out, so I ask you did Madonna ever call and ask out Mr. Trump?

Miller: No, they were at the same charity event and they talked and who knows what they talked about?

Jonah: But just to be clear, the part of the article that states Madonna called and was interested in dating Mr. Trump is false.

Miller: Yes, that part was embellished.

Jonah: Moving on, you talk about how well Mr. Trump is doing financially in the article.  Was that true?

Miller: What you have to understand is that when you’re a businessman like Mr. Trump, you have to portray a certain image.  I was helping him portray an image of a successful businessman.

Jonah: Are you saying that wasn’t the actual case?

Miller: Well I’m sure you’re smart enough to have done your research.

Jonah: About how he filed bankruptcy because of the Trump Taj Mahal that is mentioned in the article?

Miller: Yes, it’s all public record so I’m sure you know all about it.

Jonah: So all the talk about how well he was doing was false?

Miller: Well as I’ve said I’m sure you’ve seen the records, so no, obviously he wasn’t doing that well financially but he had an image to portray.

Jonah: You also talked about some of Mr. Trump’s exes and made some interesting claims about them.  I’d like to ask you about some of those claims.

Miller: Alright, go ahead.

Jonah: Did Ivana want to get back with Mr. Trump?

Miller: Not to my knowledge no.

Jonah: So she wasn’t calling or contacting Donald to try and get back together?

Miller: No.

Jonah: Did Mr. Trump have three other girlfriends living with him when he was with Marla Maples?

Miller: No, of course not.

Jonah: So why did you say that?

Miller: I’ve already explained, it’s PR, it’s an image.

Jonah:  Do you see anything wrong with what you did?

Miller: Not really, I was just doing my job.  PR is a complicated business and I did what I was supposed to do.  We all have to make sacrifices and choices about what we do for work.  We all do things that we don’t necessarily want to do, but need to do.

Jonah: OK, well what do you think about Trump’s situation with his press secretary now?

Miller: Well I can tell you that if I was his press secretary, we wouldn’t be getting made fun of.  I do feel sorry for some of the people who have gone through the position, especially Sean.  I know that Mr. Trump’s message can be, let’s say confusing.

Jonah: What do you mean by that?

Miller: Well, you understand that I spun certain things in a positive light.  That was my job.  The press secretary’s job is to deliver a clear message from Mr. Trump.  His message can be a little all over the place, a little disjointed.

Jonah: Go on.

Miller: The thing is, when you know Mr. Trump, and you know how to stay on message, then you can get across his point.  What Sean had to do was figure out what Mr. Trump wanted to say in a short amount of time, and the problem is his opinions change quickly.  What Sean had to deal with is delivering a message from Mr. Trump that could change.  You see, I just had to stay positive and stay on message.  Sean didn’t know how to stay positive and stay on message.  He got rattled, and to be honest his message was more complex than the message I had to deliver.

Jonah: What would you have done differently?

Miller: I would have kept things simple.  You need very basic, very general ideas.  You don’t stray from those, keep it simple.

Jonah: But these are complicated issues that he’s dealing with, and as you said Trump’s opinion, and therefore message can change in a short amount of time.  How would you deal with being sent out to say one thing, and then hours later being contradicted by Trump?

Miller: Honestly, there are things about Mr. Trump that will never change.  If you really know what’s important to him, things like his image, you can go out there and say things that won’t be contradicted.  The real problem is the complexity of the issues that these press secretaries have been dealing with.  I can go out there right now, take questions without ever talking to Mr. Trump, and be able to give passable fluff answers that I know won’t be contradicted by Mr. Trump because I know him and know what he’s looking for.  If I really got pressed on some specific issue, I’d just have to respectfully answer that Mr. Trump was looking into that issue and considering all sides.  He’s doing his research and should have a concrete stance after he’s consulted some experts.  You see if you don’t know something, you don’t want to admit that, and you don’t just want to say a stance that might change.  That makes you look stupid, and it could make Mr. Trump look stupid.  It all goes back to keeping it simple and staying positive.  It really is PR, you make Mr. Trump look good and you look good.  It’s that simple.

Jonah:  Well there’s been a lot of turnover in the position of press secretary.  Would you consider taking the position if it opens up again in the future?

Miller: I would think about it, but to be honest I’m more comfortable behind the scenes.  I do public relations, I help promote other people, but being in front of the press every day isn’t my idea of fun.  I’d rather see my name mentioned briefly in an article about someone else, then be the focus of the story.

Jonah: It seems like Trump could use some of your PR right now, his approval rating keeps falling lower and lower.

Miller: He definitely could use my talents right now, there are a lot of scandals that won’t go away and if I was running his PR people wouldn’t be getting distracted by his random outbursts, they’d be getting distracted by good news.

Jonah: On those scandals, the one that keeps hanging around are his ties to Russia.  Are you aware of any business dealings he had there?

Miller: I’d rather not answer that question.

Jonah: We’ve had a very open and seemingly honest interview up until now, but this question you don’t want to answer?

Miller: That is correct.

Jonah: You’re smart enough to see how that looks to the average person, we’ve been having a nice conversation then suddenly you don’t want to answer a question.  You know how that looks right?

Miller: I have no comment on that issue.  In fact, we’ve spoken for quite some time and I have other work to do.  I’d like to wrap this up if we can.

Jonah: Well, OK then.  I want to thank you for your time Mr. Miller, I really do appreciate you taking the time to speak with me today.

Miller: No problem, you have a good day. 

My Neighbor Is Amazing

I'm not often impressed by people. Most people are just people. They have good qualities; they have bad qualities, and it mostly balances out where everybody is equally great and also everybody equally sucks. But occasionally, someone is able to break that mold and truly separate from the pack of normals. My neighbor is one of these people.

Now, unfortunately, this is not my next door neighbor, but he does live around the corner from me, and I do get the pleasure of driving by his house every day. This man is such a patriot that he doesn't just have a Trump sign, he also has a Trump flag proudly displayed in the front of his house. Oh, but don't think he's done there, as his car is decked out in Trump stickers and decals. But, since this man is a true patriot, he also has two American flags hanging up front.

Speaking of flags, I noticed an American flag that was black with one blue stripe down the middle. Most of you probably know what this means, but I had no idea, so I searched on the Internet and, of course it is the official flag of #BlueLivesMatter. This man just loves this country so damn much.

But it doesn't stop there. I was walking the dog by his house one day and he had one bay of his garage open, so I was able to take a peak inside. I expected to see more Trump flags hanging, but yet again, I underestimated this, mysterious, wonderful, enigma, because he steps up in the garage as he proudly flies the confederate flag. Led by the police, the south will rise again, hence, making America great again. It's so simple and poetic.

And then I saw the man, and it was better than I could have possibly dreamed. A man, in his 50s, with a THICK mustache and mullet. This wasn't a white trash mullet. This was the full permed out pompadour look that shows this man has never lost a fight, because it's pretty clear he only beats women.

I need to learn more about this angel from God. I mean, the views that he outwardly supports are pretty offensive on their own. Imagine the stuff that he believes in his heart that he can't find flags for. Does he share beliefs with Mormons where blacks are evil souls that were cursed with dark skin? Does he think gays are actually evil aliens that are trying to ruin America? Does he call them Gayliens?

Although I know that any thoughts are possible, I still couldn't properly prepare for any of his takes that are hotter than the sun's surface. My brain would probably explode by his second belief.

My neighbor is amazing. An amazing piece of shit, but amazing nonetheless.

Hulk Hogan's Presidential Run

With the 2016 election heating up, there is no better time to look back on the presidential campaign that was truly ahead of its time. If all you need now is celebrity status and a willingness to say and do stupid things, there was one candidate who was ready before all the rest. That candidate? The Immortal (and possibly racist) Hulk Hogan. I mean, just imagine if Donald Trump would have said what Hogan got in so much trouble for, we wouldn't have batted an eye, and there would have been plenty of Backwoods Iowans ready to say, "He's just saying what we're all thinking." But alas, Hogan tried to run for President in 2000 instead of 2016, and that was truly his biggest mistake. Still, let's take a look back on the greatest presidential candidate that the United States has ever seen.

In 1998, Hulk Hogan knew his career was over and decided to announce his retirement. There was no better time and place to do this than Thanksgiving Night on the Jay Leno show.

When Leno asked Hulk what he was going to announce, Hulk responded, "The big announcement is, since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching, I kind of come to the crossroads here and I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling. My family's secure, I've had a great career, and I wanted to officially announce my retirement."

Let's quickly break down the most ridiculous things from this short response.

3. "Since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching"
Wait, is that a thing? Is this a tradition that we celebrate to honor Native Americans? Like, we stole their land and infested them with disease, so we will watch late night talk shows to pay our respects? I don't remember that being a thing.

2. "I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling...I wanted to officially announce my retirement"
Hulk Hogan wrestled for another FIFTEEN years, and he has still been squawking about getting one more match in the WWE.

1. "My family's secure"
And the reason Hulk Hogan is still trying to wrestle is because he's still trying to make money. Your wife filing divorce, trying to support your daughter's musical career, and your son paralyzing someone has a way to drain your assets rather quickly. Hence, a lot more wrestling, plenty of public appearances, and racism, although the racism doesn't seem to be paying off.

But the Hulkster still had plenty to say about his potential Presidency, and Jay Leno was asking the tough questions:

Jay: But have you had any experience at all in this field?
Hulk: Well, I've been making decisions all my life.

The man has a point, and try to prove him wrong...you can't. He'd been making decisions his whole life, so how was he not ready to be president?

Jay: I'm glad you're not coming into comedy. Now what about your past? Any secrets? Cause they invesitgate you.

Hulk: We all make mistakes, and thank God we learn from those mistakes. I mean, I'm beyond this mid-life crisis that Clinton is going through now.

This is probably my favorite line from Hogan's brief Presidential run. He's beyond a mid-life crisis. The last twenty years of Hulk Hogan's life has been one giant mid-life crisis. He calls out Clinton for cheating on his wife, but this is a man who had sex with his friend's wife, which is...uh, better? This doesn't even bring up the much weirder aspect of his mid-life crisis. He has a weird obsession with his daughter to the point that he is now married to a woman who looks EXACTLY like his daughter.

And they both look like him, which does not help his case, but hey, to each their own. As for his policies, all he said was that he wanted to go into Iraq and take out Saddam Hussein (although he couldn't pronounce it right), which is dumb, and he wanted a flat tax which is somehow even dumber.

But did anyone take this seriously? Well, CBS News reported it, so yeah, people did take it seriously.

Hulk Hogan was ready to save America through training, prayers, and eating vitamins. Unfortunately, a larger mission was on the horizon.

Yes, just six weeks after Hulk Hogan announced his bid for the Presidency, and on the night he had planned on letting the world know who his Vice President would be, he gave it all up to save WCW (and also to call Bill Goldberg a sexual deviant).

What was so big that Hulk had to come back to wrestling? Well, a shot at Kevin Nash and the WCW title, which of course led to this:

THE FINGERPOKE OF DOOM!

When I began writing this piece, I imagined how much better the world would be if Hulk would have spent eight great years in the White House. We'd have no debt, there would be no childhood obesity, and terrorists would no longer exist as they would have long ago converted to Hulkamania. But we also wouldn't have The Fingerpoke of Doom, and quite frankly, that's not a world I want to live in.

You made the right choice, Hulk.