The WWE Is Ruining... Randy Orton

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, I look at the most accomplished full-time wrestler on the WWE roster, Mr. RKO, Randy Orton.

Randy Orton is a grand slam champion who has won a World Title 13 separate times, so he's had a pretty good run already. The thing is, the guy still looks great, and when motivated, seems to be able to put on top level matches. He's a physical presence that dwarfs most other wrestlers but can move with the best of them. On top of this, he possesses a natural charisma that is hard to find.

Despite all this, I don't give a shit about Randy Orton.

Part of this is that Randy Orton has been around forever, and he's fallen into this "sadistic" character that just wants to punish people. This worked when he was the legend killer, but him going on a grand slam of punting people in the face to now twisting people's earlobes and trying to turn Tye Dillinger into a hard 8 just feels...blah.

I will admit two things. Some people are into it, and it's not totally fair to say something sucks before it has had a chance to fully evolve. Clearly, this angle must be going somewhere, but at the end of the day, it's just not for me.

Instead, I want the WWE to go with the motto of, "What's old is new again." Randy Orton has always done his best work as a heel and part of a faction. Obviously, Evolution was not only the best group he was a part of, but also the best group Triple H was a part of as well. But Orton was also great with Legacy and The Authority. I think Orton might be a heel, but I'm honestly not even sure, because even if he is a heel, he's in that cool heel place that Randy Orton should never be. By all accounts, Orton is an entitled asshole and should never, ever be considered cool. Instead, let him embrace who he is, and let him embrace it with a faction to back him up.

The WWE has really steered away from factions recently. Even with groups like The Shield and New Day, that's only three guys, and because of the Horsemen, I feel like you need at least four guys to be a true faction. In fact, I think a good rule of thumb is whether you can hold all of the titles with separate guys. So, then the question becomes, how do you create a faction with Orton?

Obviously, my first thought was reboot Evolution. H is there, Flair isn't busy, and Batista might be game to show up a few times a year. But I feel like the WWE can do even better by creating a new group to surround Orton with. Here are my top 10 picks since I know WWE will need a lot of options to choose from.

1. EC3 - He'd be a perfect fit in a new Evolution-esque group.

2. Bobby Roode - Roode should be a heel, and he hasn't really shown main event potential, so putting him in a group would strengthen him.

3. Mike Kanellis - He's the representative who can get the 205 Live title. Did you know he was on 205 Live? Neither did I until Wikipedia told me, but this also would get them a valet for the group, making every wrestling fan yell, "Why is she with him?"

4. Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows - The Bullet Club ain't happening. Here's to a new group for these guys.

5. Bobby Lashley - Black Batista

6. The Mighty - Cocky tag team with accents seem like it could work.

7. Lars Sullivan - Terrifying enforcer who actually may have that Brock Lesnar feature where they are even scarier in a suit.

8. Mojo Rawley - Having a celebrity friend always makes people easy to dislike.

9. Baron Corbin - Just a naturally hateable guy who could be an enforcer.

10. Kona Reeves - If EC3 is unavailable, you could keep trying to make The Finest thing happen.

You put Orton as the leader of a group of 3-7 of these guys, and he's without a doubt a world champion contender who could make it so easy to actually cheer for the good guys that he is competing against. If he's in the championship picture, it elevates everyone around him as well giving legitimate contenders for secondary and tag titles.

The only way for Randy Orton to move forward is to look backward. I call this group...Devolution.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Kane
Kofi Kingston
Mickie James
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

Why Do I Always Have To Poop When I Run?

I usually go for runs 2-3 times a week. Usually the runs are anywhere from 3-10 miles, although occasionally I'll black out and go longer. But no matter where I am, what the distance, or how fast I am going, I will inevitably get that rumbling in my guts and have the need to take a poop. Today, I try to discover why.

Just Poop More, Dummy
Yeah, this probably would have been my first guess if I weren't me. I poop every morning before I get any sort of workout on. I'm a man who relaxes on the toilet. I play some Trivia Crack, check Twitter, and update my fantasy teams. If there's still some crud in my colon, I might read part of a book, but trust me, I do not rush the process. I take care of business, clean up, and start stretching for my routine. Yet no matter how long I'm there, I will inevitably have to poop when I go on that run.

A Little Extra Boost
Obviously, when you have to poop, you're going to get some farts first. I use these farts to push myself forward on the run, as I can use my sphincter to take some stress off of my legs. It's basically like attaching a steam engine to my backside. It also encourages me to run faster, as I definitely don't want to linger around in that smell.

Evolution
This is the most likely answer. As possibly the most evolved human ever, my body natually makes the optimal decisions for my benefit. You never know what might happen when you go out for a run. I could be chased by bears, lions, elephants, or birds. By getting rid of all of my waste, I become lighter and even faster.

So, there you have it, I'm just so physically evolved that my body is constantly in survival mode. "Fight or flight" works for some, but "Rumble in your pooper means you'll run super" is the way I live my life (Alternative life motto: "Drop some weight, delay Heaven's gate").