Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Juventud Guerrera Will Make You Juicy

It is time for another reader suggestion (Remember, you too can have me write about anything you would like by liking Uncensored Writing on Facebook). This time coming from reader Jake, who had the following suggestion:

"you should explain "juvi juice" to the unknowing"

And that is an excellent idea. Let's dive in.

Juventud Guerrera was just another crazy Mexican high-flyer with a mask. That is, until one fateful night where he would wrestle El Dandy. Although he would put on a great performance in defeating El Dandy, the post-match turned out to be far more important than the actual match itself (go to five minutes in to get to the important events).  For those unable to watch the video, this was the night that Chris Jericho put up his Cruiserweight title against Juventud's mask.

The match happened a couple weeks later and Juventud lost, hence losing his identity, the thing that Mexican wrestlers hold dearest in their lives, he had lost his mask. When Juventud was unmasked, people were absolutely shocked, because Juventud Guerrera was actually...very, very ugly. I mean, you can usually get away with being ugly in wrestling, but Juventud was stop in your tracks ugly. Check it out.
The best way to sum up Juventud's looks it that he looks like a transvestite, but it's impossible to tell if he's a guy trying to look like a girl, or a girl trying to look like a guy.

When you're exposed as some hybrid dual-transvestite, there really is only one thing you can do...impersonate The Rock. He transitioned from Juventud Guerrera to Juvy Juice or The Juice for short. The Rock was the most popular wrestler in the world at the time, so a Mexican who still has yet to master the English language impersonating him would have to be a huge success, right? Well, if you measure success in ratings, you were sorely disappointed. But if you measured it in unintentional comedy, then yes, this was a rousing success.

His trademark catchphrase became, "The Juice is in the house, and the house is in The Juice." It was always more memorable as it came out "De Juish is in de housh, and de housh is in De Juish."

The only problem with The Juice is that he has been completely erased from the internet. I couldn't find a single YouTube video of his promos from WCW. I can find every single Royal Rumble on YouTube (even the first one in 1988 when there were only 20 guys and Hacksaw Jim Duggan won it), but Juvie Juice apparently didn't make the cut.

Luckily, there is a video of Juvie Juice giving one of his trademark promos. Unfortunately, the promo was done after the Juice had fallen on hard times, as it is a profanity-laced diatribe from an organization called XPW.
I guess the most amazing thing about this video is that he still embraced The Juice gimmick. It would be as if the Kane gimmick had never happened and Glen Jacobs was still walking around independent shows as Fake Diesel. It's unfathomable, yet it's actually happening.

As bad as this is, it actually gets worse for our Juicy hero. His juiciest moment would have to be in AAA at Rey de Reyes where he would make a surprise appearance, win his match, and then join D-Generation Mex. Shortly thereafter, he accused Konnan of shitting in his gym bag, and Konnan responded by breaking Juvie's nose. Clearly the K-Dogg is not a juicy person.

And with that, I bid you adieu and hope that you too can become a juicy person. That is, if you can smelllalalalalalala, what the cookin'.


P.S. If you haven't seen the Conan O'Brien commencement speech at Dartmouth, I highly recommend checking it out as it is a great illustration of why O'Brien is so much more likeable than Jay Leno.

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