The 15 Worst Things About XWF Episode 1

The XWF was a short-lived wrestling organization in the early 2000s. It started in November 2001 which means it actually preceded the beginnings of TNA which did not start until June of 2002. Oh, but don't worry about overlap as the XWF was out of business by February of 2002. Honestly, early TNA looks a whole lot like the XWF. It is not good, but there are some good aspects of it. And luckily, they put three of their episodes on YouTube to be broken down. They pack a lot into 45 minutes, so buckle up, and if you'd like to check out the episode, it's embedded below.

Not everything was bad, so the beginning of the list will actually be positive. We take a downward spiral into negatives fairly quickly.

15. They Had The Brain
The best thing they did was get Curt Hennig and have him, not managed, but represented by agent, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. I am extremely cynical towards this wrestling venture, but even I popped for this. Unfortunately, I'll talk about the match itself later.

14. Mean WHOOOOOOOO Gene
They also got Mean Gene Okerlund, and there is literally no way to fault them for that.

13. Hype Videos
Willie Nelson talks about how much he loves America with Hacksaw Jim Duggan for 20 seconds. It's inane and delightful. Johnny B. Badd does a ten-second promo, and it gets me so hyped. Norman Smiley does the same. They even got Gene Simmons to do one for The Demon. I don't actually see any of these guys wrestle on this episode, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I don't see any of them wrestle at all in these episodes, but the POSSIBILITY has me very intrigued.

12. Talent Did Exist
A bunch of cruiserweights, led by the former Prince Iaukea, come knocking on Piper's door, so he invents a Cruiserweight Title for everyone to compete for. Piper says that people can be eliminated by pinfall, submission, or over the top rope, but everyone is thrown over the top rope, so it's just a Cruiserweight Battle Royal. That is bad, but the fact that they have Psicosis, Kid Kash, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Juventud Guerrera, Low Ki (known as Quick Kick), and Prince Iaukea (known as The Tongan Prince) definitely saves it.

As I said, it's a Cruiserweight Battle Royal, so it's by far the best match on the show. The funniest part is that they pan away from the match to show Josh Matthews to hype him as the next big thing in the Cruiserweight division. Kid Kash wins the Battle Royal to become the first champion of the XWF.

11. A King On Leave
For the broadcast team, they got Tony Schiavone as their main play-by-play announcer which sounds bad, but for color, they had Jerry "The King" Lawler. Lawler quit the WWE for nine months when his wife, The Kat, got fired. This fit perfectly into that break of his. Lawler's commentary does not age well, because it's pretty horrifically offensive for today's world, but back then, you couldn't have gotten a more desired announcer.

10. A Perfectly Stupid Ending
Curt Hennig takes on Vampiro in the first episode main event. The match is fine until the end when Heenan gets a pair of brass knuckles. Before he can use them, Roddy Piper runs out and does this.

He hits Hennig, even though Hennig and Heenan never cheated. There was no proof that The Brain was going to use those brass knuckles for nefarious means; he might have just had cold knuckles. This injustice leads to Vampiro picking up the easy win.

9. Nasty Jimmy Forgot The Hammer
This was a company run by Brian Knobbs, Jimmy Hart, and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. For the DVD set, they couldn't even get Valentine to say anything which should tell you a lot about the quality of this product. But they did get Knobbs and Hart, and they focused on wrestlers from the past, present, and future. I'll let you take a guess at which one of those categories this company is sorely lacking. They also said they didn't want any prima donnas, and then immediately bragged about signing Hulk Hogan.

8. Authority Figures
Sable is the CEO, but she is just known by her first name, Rena. Sable was never great at speaking, but she did a hell of a job memorizing her lines as she actually sounds like she has a purpose in her words. But she only speaks for a minute before introducing the commissioner, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Why did they need two authority figures immediately? Because..., um, shrug emoji. Piper said he'll deal with the wrestlers, and she can deal with the money. I really hope they do some vignettes of Sable crunching the numbers.

7. Is Buff Enough?
The first match, to pop off the crowd, and set the tone for this new wrestling venture, is Big Vito vs. Buff Bagwell. I love Buff Bagwell, but this is exactly the match that you would expect.

6. Party Marty vs. Tall Hulk Hogan

The second match of the card is Marty Jannetty, who does not appear to be intoxicated, taking on some dude named Hail. He's 6'10" 340 pounds and couldn't wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag. He beats Jannetty, but the fact that a guy built like Hail never got a shot in the WWE shows how worthless he was in the ring. This is the first match that highlights the XWF's Hulk Hogan strategy. The XWF brought in every variation of Hulk Hogan to see if they could create a new Hulk Hogan. They had a fetish for giant buff dudes who were balding or completely bald and couldn't wrestle. They looked at professional wrestling, saw Hulk Hogan, loved Hulk Hogan, wanted to produce an entire organization of Hulk Hogans. Their big issue was that they forgot the most important ingredient of Hulk Hogan, and that is charisma. Despite failing to look for that, they would end up with one Hulk Hogan, but that was when they brought in Hulk Hogan.

5. Nasty Boys vs. Hulk Hogan Twins

The Nasty Boys take on The Shane Twins. You're not going to believe this, but the Shane Twins are giant buff dudes who can barely move. The Shane Twins win, but the Nasty Boys start beating on them, only to be stopped by The Road Warriors.

4. British Hulk Hogan Takes On Hulk Hogan's Nephew

Horace Hogan vs. Ian Harrison basically proved that their strategy in finding stars is finding guys who had lots of muscles and the wrestling talent would be secondary at best. British Hogan vs. Hogan Relative saw the foreigner coming out on top.

3. WXF?
This is the XWF secondary logo.

There is no human being alive who wouldn't guess that this company is called the WXF.

2. When Nasty Gets Nice
The end of this video, when they go back to director's commentary, is goddamn insane. Brian Knobbs only knows how to speak one way, and it's fast and loud. He was getting all hyped about the Nasty Boys feuding with The Road Warriors, but then he decided it was time to be serious. This is that moment.

He's still talking fast and loud, but he's combining that with some somber notes as he talks about the death of Hawk and Curt Hennig. They may have not wanted to combine all of the recap in one take, but two takes are for prima donnas.

1. Xcitement
XWF stands for Xcitement Wrestling Federation. I have nothing more to add.

The Ultimate WWE Fantasy Draft - Part Three

With Smackdown moving to a live show on Tuesdays, there are plenty of rumors about an upcoming brand split for the WWE. Instead of waiting for the WWE to pull off a disappointing draft routine, the ultimate tag team, Lukewarm Jonah and Hott Joe, came together this past week to have an old fashioned WWE Fantasy Draft. Our goal is to create the best possible roster to create a successful, moneymaking product.

Some things to know before we get started is that you draft guys for what they are likely to do in the future. The Rock is in this draft, but you don't get to draft him as a full-time wrestler, but he can be used 1-2 times a year to talk for a half hour and boost ratings. Another thing is that wrestlers automatically got their managers with them, so Miz comes with Maryse. Also, tag teams must be taken in pairs, and they must be taken with the first of your two back-to-back picks since we did a snake draft. For New Day, they would take up the person's next three picks, but they would stay together. And to create this list, we used the list of WWE personnel on Wikipedia, so our main roster included 118 picks. And that does not include NXT Superstars (Supplemental Draft) or Mr. McMahon, who is ominpresent for our purposes.

Since Jonah is a true gentleman, he offered me the first pick, and from there, we will have two picks each through the rest of the draft. We did part one earlier this week, and followed that up with part two yesterday, so let's move onto part three where things get really obscure and hilarious.

80-81. Joe selects JBL and David Otunga
What Jonah forgets about Booker T is the reason he only shows up for some PPVs and nothing else is that he runs a wrestling school/promotion and radio show in Houston. I hope he adds some talent later on, because Michael Cole on commentary alone would be...something.

As for my picks, what am I going to do with JBL? I'm not totally sure. But WWE crowds seem to really like him, so I'm sure there's some value in that. But David Otunga can be utilized in a variety of ways. He's the perfect buddy for the authority, and he has a great coffee mug.

82-83. Jonah selects JoJo and Tom Phillips
I was avoiding JBL like the plague, he’s become the most annoying shill I could imagine.  He’s like a bad parody of a wrestling commentator.  Anyways, Jojo can do more backstage interviews and look good doing them as well as some ring introductions.  Tom Phillips has been entertaining on NXT, he’s been a great straight man to the more entertaining Corey Graves, but providing that skill is never a bad thing.

84-85. Joe selects Primo and Epico
Did you guys hear? Puerto Rico is beautiful, and so is the depth of my tag team division.

86-87. Jonah selects The Ascension
Who’s worse Primo and Epico or The Ascension?  According to this draft I guess the Ascension, but they were over in NXT.  I’m turning them back into a conspiracy theory, Freemasons run the world, Illuminati tag team.  It literally can’t make them any less over.

88-89. Joe selects Mean Gene Okerlund and Charles Robinson
Now I know there are rules about expanding people's roles, but come on, can't we just make sure that "Mean" Gene Okerlund shows up for any show that is near his area. Gene is the damn best, and even if I can only have him around once a year, he'll still be a valuable mentor to every interviewer I have. Also, I got Lil' Naitch to take care of Charlotte now that her Dad is out of the picture.

90-91. Jonah selects Lita and Mike Chioda
Who better to talk about the women’s division than Lita?  No one that’s who.  She’s a Hall of Famer and a legend.  She’s great on pre shows, I’d be happy having her just putting over the women’s division on the pre show, but if Mean Gene can show up a little bit more, than so can Lita.  She would be the perfect figurehead of a new women’s division.  I mean her or Brooke Hogan.  Mike Chioda is a referee.  I recognize his name and his face.  He’s been a ref for years and years.

92-93. Joe selects Marcelo Rodriguez and Carlos Cabrera
Locking down the Latin Market by getting the only fluent Spanish announcers is a great deal for my global #brand. These guys make stars in the Latin American market, so it is a steal to get them this late in the game.

94-95. Jonah selects Lilian Garcia and Scott Armstrong
Joe is actually incorrect.  Lilian Garcia speaks perfect Spanish and is a great ring announcer.  Plus she can sing the National Anthem like a champ.  Have fun playing the national anthem on a boombox or something Joe.  Scott Armstrong is also a referee who I actually know, so he’s probably pretty good.

96-97. Joe selects Jerry Lawler and Rosa Mendes
Is Lawler pretty brutal at this point? No doubt, but let's not forget that this guy is a legitimate legend for what he did during the prime of his career, and even the haters still kind of love him for that. You may say Rosa Mendes is worthless, but just imagine Rosa Mendes vs. Brock Lesnar, and I think that is something that is very much worthwhile. Also, we can reunite her with Primo and Epico for...reasons!

98-99. Jonah selects Funaki and Chad Patton
Joe tries to take over the Latin market, but we all know what market is really exploding, the Asian market.  Funaki is Smackdown’s number one announcer, but he also does the play by play for the Asian markets.  Chad Patton continues the streak of referees that I’ve heard of, therefore are good.

100-101. Joe selects Tony Chimel and Drake Wuertz
Tony Chimel has managed to keep his job for a very long time, which means he knows where the skeletons are buried. Not only is Drake Wuertz a great referee, he's perfect in case I need a ref to get in a death match.

102-103. Jonah selects Byron Saxton and Dan Engler
Byron Saxton is on WWE TV every week.  I’m not sure why, but hey that’s got to mean something.  Dan Engler was Rudy Charles in TNA.  If he can survive TNA, then I know he can survive a nuclear war.

104-105. Joe selects Scott Stanford and Greg Hamilton
To get a certified Broski at 104 is great value in Scott Stanford, and Greg Hamilton is the number one guy who could benefit from any opportunity to be around Mean Gene.

106-107. Jonah selects Jerry Soto and Dasha Fuentes
Jerry Soto is a color commentator for the Spanish Team, and the co host of WWE en Espanol.  So despite what Joe thinks, I’ve got some people who can commentate in Spanish.  Dasha Fuentes is a lovely interviewer/ring announcer.

108-109. Joe selects John Cone and Shawn Bennett
John Cone is a referee who has been around for a while, and he is the WWE office referee, so he’s versatile no matter what he is officiating. Shawn Bennett is my wife’s favorite referee, so I took him to honor her. He seems to ref to the best of his abilities, so good for him.

110-111. Jonah selects Andrea D'Marco and Ryan Tran
Andrea D’Marco is a good looking ring announcer for NXT, and judging by her work in Portland, she’s got a good future.  Ryan Tran is a referee who used to be a wrestler.  He’s also Asian so if you don’t like him you’re racist.

112-113. Joe selects Rob Schamberger and Mike Rome
Rob Schamberger does the artwork for WWE, so this is going to be a huge moneymaker for my #brand. Still, I was a little disappointed to not get Andrea D'Marco as it is always a good idea to get attractive women involved in your product. I probably should have risked divorce and waited on Shawn Bennett. Mike Rome is my consolation prize.

114-115. Jonah selects Jason Ayers and Rob Zapata
These guys referee matches.  Whelp, that’s about it.

116-117. Joe selects Eddie Oregno and Danilo Anfibio
These are two NXT referees. I knew nothing about people at this point in the draft. I am sure they are fine people and will do a fine job for my #brand. Good lord, there are a lot of guys in this company. I can’t wait to do NXT next week.

118. Jonah selects Darrick Moore
I can’t believe Joe let Darrick Moore fall to me.  He’s also a referee.  That’s it.

And that wraps up the main roster part of this draft. Next week, it's the Supplemental Draft, aka, NXT Draft.

At Home with David Schultz

David Schultz may be the greatest wrestler that you have never heard of. Now, I must admit I have probably barely seen him wrestle in my life, but this man was a GOD when it came to promos. He's probably best known for slapping the shit out of John Stossel when Stossel said that wrestling was fake. His best moment was probably this interview he did on Hulk Hogan, which is probably my favorite promo in wrestling history.

If I were Gawker, I would definitely present this video as evidence that Hulk may have wanted his sex tape to come out to prove to David Schultz that he has been with a woman.

But I'm not here to focus on that today. I want to look into the everyday "Dr. D" David Schultz. Luckily, back in 1984, the WWE got to spend a day with Schultz and get a look at what his life is like at home. The results were predictably amazing.

It's one of the most amazing pieces I have ever seen. Like, we know Dr. D David Schultz is a character, but he's probably not that far from David Schultz the man. His home life is exactly what you would expect his home life to look like, starting with his children.

Yo, Dr. D, your kids don't look alike. I mean, I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin. I feel like the ginger with the dead eyes is probably yours. Red shirt, well, he kind of looks like a young Mean Gene Okerlund.

I can't say it's too surprising, as his wife nearly accuses him of lying in front of the cameras, and then has the nerve to interrupt him during his interview.

It is impossible to side-eye anybody harder than Dr. D just side-eyed his wife. At least dinner is done, and I'm sure the kitchen is spotle...oh no.

"What is this? The city dump?" is something I would love to say to my wife when I see a mess in the house, but then she would probably proceed to hit me and make me start doing more cleaning. Schultz knew how to keep his lady in check; I'm just happy my lady keeps me around.

Maybe the most amazing part of this video is that the dinner on the table is some fried chicken, like three pieces of pizza, and a bottle of A-1 Sauce. Nobody is eating fried chicken or pizza on their plates. Instead, they're all just eating plain white bread. It's so wonderful.

After he realizes that his family is a bunch of ass clowns, Schultz kicks the camera crew out of his house so he can go about his day.

Never change, Dr. D. 

A Comprehensive Breakdown of the nWo's Parody of the Four Horsemen - My Spot

The nWo was influential for many reasons. They were bad guys that got cheered. They were self-aware wrestlers which was not a thing back then. And they also created impersonations of other wrestlers. Now I'm not talking about the Fake Sting impersonation where they try to pass it off as real, but impersonations where everybody knows that they are fakes and are mocking their rivals. As the saying goes, "You always remember your first time," and the first time the nWo mocked another group will always stand out as the best, as they did an impeccable job of mocking The Four Horsemen. Let's get to the actors involved:

Every great comedy bit needs a straight man, Mean Gene Okerlund plays himself as the straight man.

He is essential in this role, as it would be easy to be fooled by the nWo impersonators who look so much like their Four Horsemen counterparts. Also, they actually got Mongo to play himself, so that added credibility to everything.

Look closer. Do you see it? I tricked you. That is actually Konnan playing the role of Steve "Mongo" McMichael. The resemblance is uncanny. I mean, he's even got a football, but trust me, that is not a former Super Bowl Champion, it's a Mexican Gangster who wants you toss his salad and peel his potatoes.

Next up, we have Syxx playing the role of Ric Flair.

He nailed the hair, but keeping the goatee is a dead giveaway that this is not The Nature Boy. Still, he was kind of ahead of his time in his impersonation, as he "Woos" every other word, which became a signature of 60-year-old senile Flair.

Playing the role of Curt Hennig is Buff Bagwell, who I have deemed Buff Perfect.

He's got a ponytail (not seen but trust me, it's there), a towel, and gum, so yeah, I'd say he nailed it.

And finally, there is Arn Anderson, played by Kevin Nash.

Nash really commits to the role with a bald cap and balding wig, a pillow under his shirt, and a cooler full of beer to truly embody what Arn Anderson had become. He commits to the role, and that deserves credit.

But this entire skit depends on the "spot." It is the word that ties everything together, and Buff Perfect gets to that point very early on.

Syxx Flair didn't mean to put him on the spot, and there was no way that wouldn't remind Buff of his dog spot. This is only the slow build for what is coming later.

They then bring out Arn Nash, and he tells them the beer is on ice. There is nothing more important to a Horsemen than cold beer, and Syxx Flair reacts appropriately.

Arn Nash then makes a failed joke about labor before going into his accomplishments as a wrestler.

I laugh at the carpentry skills line every time. Then Nash got back into the real issues he is having, and how he lost the feeling in his left hand, the importance, of course, being that the left hand was the hand he used to open beer. A Horseman who can't drink is a Horseman who can't party, and that really means he isn't a Horseman at all.

Arn Nash then starts talking about fat broads, which to 13-year-old me was hilarious, but looking back, does not quite hit the same notes it did. So thanks a lot maturity and respect for all people, you've made me a better person but made things from my childhood less funny.

They get back to their comedic wheelhouse and close it by talking about spots.

"Not a liver spot, not your dog spot, and not anybody else's spot, but MY spot." After watching this nearly 20 years later, my list of the best things about this have changed from my 13-year-old perspective. Here are the top three things.

3. Everything involving the word spot.
Some jokes never get old, and I still enjoy this. I mean, yeah, I understand Arn Anderson's spot is important, but if they have to give out specific spots, that means that somebody took Paul Roma's spot. That person was definitely Mongo but still.

2. It would be an honor.
After Nash goes through his big diatribe about a spot, Buff Perfect tells them how terrible the Four Horsemen are, and then gives an over the top, "It would be an honor." I wish that this moment was more relevant as I would use it to respond to any request that somebody gave me.

1. Konnan as Mongo
There is nothing more perfect than this.

nWo 4 Life.