The 12 Worst Things About XWF Episode 3

Unfortunately, we have already come to the finale of my series on the XWF. To give you an idea of how ill-conceived the XWF was, Greg Valentine never showed up for DVD commentary, and not even Jimmy Hart showed up to talk for the intro to episode three. Like, they had to have done these all in one day, but according to Knobbs, Hart was out "scouting for talent" aka strip club. If you remember last week, you'll know that Episode 2 was legitimately entertaining. Episode 3 was most certainly not (much like Episode 1). If you want to put yourself through it, I have embedded it below.

And now the countdown of worst things about Episode 3 of the XWF.

12. The Best Match In XWF History
So it wasn't all bad. AJ Styles took on Kid Kash for the Cruiserweight Championship. Unless you're really into Johnny B. Badd and Norman Smiley gyrating their hips, this is the best match in XWF history. Kash and Styles wrestled a fast-paced match that was exciting from beginning to end. Of course, that wasn't that difficult, since the whole thing lasted about four minutes. But hey, that's understandable since they had to make time for Josh Matthews debut.

11. Rena Got Herself a Security Team
Rena, due to Roddy Piper repeatedly talking to her breasts, has decided to get herself a security team. This includes The Barbarian, which is awesome. It involves Tugboat, which is even more awesome. And it involves 4X4, which, yeah, that one kind of sucks, but two out of three ain't bad. Will these mysterious security men ever go on to wrestle? Eh, we'll never find out, because the XWF didn't last long enough.

10. I Would Do Anything For Love
Jimmy Hart's going to take you to Hail and back. At least that's what he said in an interview building up Hail. It's not necessarily good, but the more I sing it like Meat Loaf, the more I enjoy it.

9. The Mist Is Pissed
Vapor is so unimportant that they list Sonny Onoo with Vapor instead of the other way around.

This forces Jimmy Snuka Jr. to come out with Jimmy Snuka Sr. The ref does not do his job and both Sonny Onoo and The Murdering Snuka are in the ring. The match ends with Big Splashes from both Snukas. They both clear the low bar of doing a better job than Tamina.

8. Weird Sex Worker Wrestles For Money
Drezden takes on Marty Jannetty, but the more important thing that he wears leather pants with leather straps over his torso which makes him look like Smash without the face paint. It kind of makes sense, because Smash has a look that could never go out of style.

Well...maybe not never. But either way, you take away the face paint and it gets real sad real quick. If you want to not make it look like you work in a weird sex club, you really gotta wear the facepaint.

7. The Greatest Tag Team in XWF History
The Hulk Hogan Twins take on the South Philly Posse. HHT cement their status as the greatest tag team in XWF history with a win over the former Public Enemy. They win after the Nasty Boys come out to interfere against the twins but are stopped by the Road Warriors. Neither team in the match is really distracted by this, but it gives the Twins a reason to celebrate with The Road Warriors. This helped propel them to the WWE (three years later) as the long-remembered and longer-loved Gymini Twins.

6. Valentine's Day Blues
Greg Valentine pleads with Roddy Piper for a second straight week to give him a match. He still gets ignored. This may be one of the saddest things about the short-lived XWF. The Hammer owned the fed but couldn't get a match. I really hope that he was going to have his first match be for the World Title, and he was going to go on a Goldberg-like run through every XWF superstar in the organization.

5. JOSH FREAKIN' MATTHEWS

JOSH (he is such a huge star from Tough Enough that he requires just one name) is dressed like a bargain bin Hardy Boy with the addition of a shell necklace. He takes on Horace Hogan. Matthews gets dominated, and by dominated, I mean he hits ZERO offensive moves. Zero offensive moves does not stop him from winning, as he is able to roll up Horace Hogan with a small package for the victory. Thank God this federation ended before it had the chance for Josh to beat AJ Styles and Kid Kash at the same time.

4. Roddy Piper's Uncontrollable Racism
Before Snuka has his match against Vapor, they let Snuka Sr. talk in a completely unrelated segment that has nothing to do with the match. Roddy Piper, despite being a good guy up to this point, interrupts and calls them "coconut heads." Piper's now a heel, because he can't help himself from being super racist with Snuka. Mean Gene rightfully points out that if Piper is talking all that trash, they should fight. But just last week, Piper was told that he can't fight by the CEO. Of course, that brings out Rena who says he should fight. At this point, Piper is backed into a corner, so he does the only logical thing. He makes a match that has nothing to do with himself or the Snukas. END SCENE

3. Vampiro's Awareness Rating Is Zero
There should always be something to say anytime that Curt Hennig is in a match, but I just cannot say much of anything about this match. I'm even a noted Buff Bagwell fan, but still, this is just a match that happened. Hennig and Harrison win the match when Vampiro stands in the ring and stares at Ian Harrison while Curt Hennig pins Buff Bagwell, literally, a foot behind him.

Buff Bagwell gets angry about Vampiro apparently having ADD and forgetting he was in a tag match, so the whole locker room comes out to break up the shoving.

2. The Sable Army Grows
Sable not only got bodyguards in this episode. She also got assistants, possibly a board of directors? It isn't quite clear. Either way, if you wanted to see what feminism looked like in 2001, well, here you go.

The XWF can't be sexist. Not only did they put women in power, but they made sure they had large breasts, a notorious characteristic of females that men do not possess. #GirlPower

1. The Immortal Buff Perfect
I bet you thought that Brian Knobbs honoring those wrestlers that had passed away once was enough, but no. In a three episode DVD, he managed to get real twice. I almost didn't mention this, but I felt that I needed to mention that they really could have found a better photo for Curt Hennig.

I have no idea when Hennig started wearing Hulkamania colors and Buff Bagwell tophats, but apparently Brian Knobbs thought it was the most memorable portion of his career. Curt Hennig, you truly were a Perfect Friend.

The 14 Worst Things About XWF Episode 2

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The 15 Worst Things About XWF Episode 1

The XWF was a short-lived wrestling organization in the early 2000s. It started in November 2001 which means it actually preceded the beginnings of TNA which did not start until June of 2002. Oh, but don't worry about overlap as the XWF was out of business by February of 2002. Honestly, early TNA looks a whole lot like the XWF. It is not good, but there are some good aspects of it. And luckily, they put three of their episodes on YouTube to be broken down. They pack a lot into 45 minutes, so buckle up, and if you'd like to check out the episode, it's embedded below.

Not everything was bad, so the beginning of the list will actually be positive. We take a downward spiral into negatives fairly quickly.

15. They Had The Brain
The best thing they did was get Curt Hennig and have him, not managed, but represented by agent, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. I am extremely cynical towards this wrestling venture, but even I popped for this. Unfortunately, I'll talk about the match itself later.

14. Mean WHOOOOOOOO Gene
They also got Mean Gene Okerlund, and there is literally no way to fault them for that.

13. Hype Videos
Willie Nelson talks about how much he loves America with Hacksaw Jim Duggan for 20 seconds. It's inane and delightful. Johnny B. Badd does a ten-second promo, and it gets me so hyped. Norman Smiley does the same. They even got Gene Simmons to do one for The Demon. I don't actually see any of these guys wrestle on this episode, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I don't see any of them wrestle at all in these episodes, but the POSSIBILITY has me very intrigued.

12. Talent Did Exist
A bunch of cruiserweights, led by the former Prince Iaukea, come knocking on Piper's door, so he invents a Cruiserweight Title for everyone to compete for. Piper says that people can be eliminated by pinfall, submission, or over the top rope, but everyone is thrown over the top rope, so it's just a Cruiserweight Battle Royal. That is bad, but the fact that they have Psicosis, Kid Kash, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Juventud Guerrera, Low Ki (known as Quick Kick), and Prince Iaukea (known as The Tongan Prince) definitely saves it.

As I said, it's a Cruiserweight Battle Royal, so it's by far the best match on the show. The funniest part is that they pan away from the match to show Josh Matthews to hype him as the next big thing in the Cruiserweight division. Kid Kash wins the Battle Royal to become the first champion of the XWF.

11. A King On Leave
For the broadcast team, they got Tony Schiavone as their main play-by-play announcer which sounds bad, but for color, they had Jerry "The King" Lawler. Lawler quit the WWE for nine months when his wife, The Kat, got fired. This fit perfectly into that break of his. Lawler's commentary does not age well, because it's pretty horrifically offensive for today's world, but back then, you couldn't have gotten a more desired announcer.

10. A Perfectly Stupid Ending
Curt Hennig takes on Vampiro in the first episode main event. The match is fine until the end when Heenan gets a pair of brass knuckles. Before he can use them, Roddy Piper runs out and does this.

He hits Hennig, even though Hennig and Heenan never cheated. There was no proof that The Brain was going to use those brass knuckles for nefarious means; he might have just had cold knuckles. This injustice leads to Vampiro picking up the easy win.

9. Nasty Jimmy Forgot The Hammer
This was a company run by Brian Knobbs, Jimmy Hart, and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. For the DVD set, they couldn't even get Valentine to say anything which should tell you a lot about the quality of this product. But they did get Knobbs and Hart, and they focused on wrestlers from the past, present, and future. I'll let you take a guess at which one of those categories this company is sorely lacking. They also said they didn't want any prima donnas, and then immediately bragged about signing Hulk Hogan.

8. Authority Figures
Sable is the CEO, but she is just known by her first name, Rena. Sable was never great at speaking, but she did a hell of a job memorizing her lines as she actually sounds like she has a purpose in her words. But she only speaks for a minute before introducing the commissioner, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Why did they need two authority figures immediately? Because..., um, shrug emoji. Piper said he'll deal with the wrestlers, and she can deal with the money. I really hope they do some vignettes of Sable crunching the numbers.

7. Is Buff Enough?
The first match, to pop off the crowd, and set the tone for this new wrestling venture, is Big Vito vs. Buff Bagwell. I love Buff Bagwell, but this is exactly the match that you would expect.

6. Party Marty vs. Tall Hulk Hogan

The second match of the card is Marty Jannetty, who does not appear to be intoxicated, taking on some dude named Hail. He's 6'10" 340 pounds and couldn't wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag. He beats Jannetty, but the fact that a guy built like Hail never got a shot in the WWE shows how worthless he was in the ring. This is the first match that highlights the XWF's Hulk Hogan strategy. The XWF brought in every variation of Hulk Hogan to see if they could create a new Hulk Hogan. They had a fetish for giant buff dudes who were balding or completely bald and couldn't wrestle. They looked at professional wrestling, saw Hulk Hogan, loved Hulk Hogan, wanted to produce an entire organization of Hulk Hogans. Their big issue was that they forgot the most important ingredient of Hulk Hogan, and that is charisma. Despite failing to look for that, they would end up with one Hulk Hogan, but that was when they brought in Hulk Hogan.

5. Nasty Boys vs. Hulk Hogan Twins

The Nasty Boys take on The Shane Twins. You're not going to believe this, but the Shane Twins are giant buff dudes who can barely move. The Shane Twins win, but the Nasty Boys start beating on them, only to be stopped by The Road Warriors.

4. British Hulk Hogan Takes On Hulk Hogan's Nephew

Horace Hogan vs. Ian Harrison basically proved that their strategy in finding stars is finding guys who had lots of muscles and the wrestling talent would be secondary at best. British Hogan vs. Hogan Relative saw the foreigner coming out on top.

3. WXF?
This is the XWF secondary logo.

There is no human being alive who wouldn't guess that this company is called the WXF.

2. When Nasty Gets Nice
The end of this video, when they go back to director's commentary, is goddamn insane. Brian Knobbs only knows how to speak one way, and it's fast and loud. He was getting all hyped about the Nasty Boys feuding with The Road Warriors, but then he decided it was time to be serious. This is that moment.

He's still talking fast and loud, but he's combining that with some somber notes as he talks about the death of Hawk and Curt Hennig. They may have not wanted to combine all of the recap in one take, but two takes are for prima donnas.

1. Xcitement
XWF stands for Xcitement Wrestling Federation. I have nothing more to add.

Which Dungeon of Doom Member Sucked The Most Ass?

Every video of WCW is the crown jewel of the WWE Network. I seriously cannot stress this enough. I've been going through early episodes of Nitro and reliving the golden era of the Dungeon of Doom, and man, they are terrible. Like, seriously, they suck so hard. I have been internalizing these thoughts, but it's time to really go through and answer the question that has plagued mankind for 20 years, which Dungeon of Doom member sucked the most ass?

Now you may think you know just off the top of your head who sucked the most ass in the Dungeon of Doom. You're probably thinking The Shark, but you are so off base. The Shark isn't even in the top half of sucking ass when it comes to the Dungeon. Now, don't get me wrong, The Shark definitely sucked ass, but that just shows the level of ass sucking that the Dungeon of Doom was able to achieve. Let's get to the list.

21. Meng
Meng would rip my eye out and feed it to me if I told him he sucked ass, so Meng, you definitely don't suck ass. You are terrifying and wonderful.

20. Lex Luger
Somehow, Lex Luger's short run with the Dungeon of Doom spawned the greatest Lex Luger ever, and that should never stop being appreciated.

19. Big Van Vader
Vader was in this for a short time, and he was out before it got really stupid. Also, Vader is awesome, and the WWE should have used him better.

18. The Giant
Yeah, he really didn't suck ass at all. He was actually pretty great right from the beginning. He was a super athletic giant dude who was actually strong enough to pull off legitimate chokeslams. I feel like The Giant/Big Show is one of the most underrated wrestlers ever. He has gotten stuck doing some goofy bullshit over the years, but even while he was doing it; if a week later he came out and was a dominant monster, I would totally believe it. But he definitely should have stuck with the chokeslam; bragging about learning "punch" is not that impressive.

17. Konnan
You may think this is a controversial selection for member who sucked the least ass, but just here me out. This was a stable made up of mythical creatures that would terrify their opponents. What was Konnan's mythical gimmick? Ah, you see, he was just a Mexican, which made him the scariest member of all. Honestly, most of WCW's southeastern fan base was more likely to bump into a Yeti than a real-life Mexican gangster.

16. The Shark
Just the fact that The Shark was one of the guys who sucked the least ass shows you how awful the rest of the Dungeon of Doom truly was. But I can't be mad at Earthquake dressed up as a shark, which really just meant that he wore some shark facepaint.

15. Kamala
Kamala was a guy who once he turned into a face, he could never be an effective heel again. Because he was portrayed as a dummy who finally learned how to be good, so once he turned heel again, it was just because he didn't know any better as opposed to wanting to do evil. I can't have any ill will towards Kamala, especially because of his sultry voice...

so it's no wonder he couldn't ever really get heat, which I guess made him a reasonable member of the Dungeon of Doom.

14. The Taskmaster
This is one of the toughest guys to figure out, despite him being the face of the Dungeon of Doom for their entire existence. Like, clearly, he sucked some ass, but looking back, he kind of had some moments of brilliance. He was smart enough to just get giant dudes to throw at Hogan while avoiding a confrontation himself for as long as he possibly could. But man, the Dungeon of Doom was around for a really long time, and they completely stopped making sense once the nWo hit, but they still stuck around for another six months. They talked about change for their entire existence, but all they did was lose, everything stayed the same, and they kept going back to the same talking points. Basically, The Taskmaster was miniaturized Bray Wyatt. You always think there could be more, but they never seem to show it, and it's an endless cycle of sucking ass.

13. The Barbarian
Pretty cool name, but he just kind of existed. I'm sure you could convince a lot of people The Barbarian was The Warlord. Overall, Barbarian seemed to only exist to give Meng a friend. Aw, shit, he's friends with Meng? Barbarian, you're a total badass; ignore your spot on this list.

12. Loch Ness
Loch Ness was a guy near the end of his career, so despite being gigantic, he really couldn't move all that much, which made him fit in perfectly with most of the guys in the Dungeon of Doom. At their core, hey were just a bunch of giant, sometimes mythical creatures that had taken human form. On top of that, shortly after his debut, he was diagnosed with cancer and died a couple years later. He is a guy who got his chance in the US about ten years too late. If he comes in ten years earlier, he's at least having a Big John Studd career, but it wasn't meant to be, and honestly, those types of stories really suck ass.

11. One Man Gang
He was big, but even though he was One Man Gang for most of his career, I have very little memories of anything he did as OMG. I will always remember him as Akeem "The African Dream." As a child, I remember thinking he was just a light-skinned black guy, because that's basically what the WWE told me. Wrestling could have convinced me of anything, and I would have taken it as the gospel truth. I was a very stupid child (shockingly, I'm also a stupid adult).

10. Jimmy Hart
By all accounts, Jimmy Hart seems like a super positive guy who nobody has anything bad to say about. Also, he wrote Shawn Michaels's theme music, so he will always hold a special place in my heart. That being said, he sucked so much ass as a member of the Dungeon of Doom. He managed them and outlawyered Hulk Hogan to get The Giant the title, but he never fit in with the Dungeon of Doom. It's not like he was going to grab an omelette at the Waffle House with Kamala and Hugh Morrus. Hart's greatest strength is hype man, but hyping up doom and gloom just never works. So he jumped around and occasionally used his megaphone, but there was nothing that said Doom about Jimmy Hart.

9. Big Bubba Rogers
Big Bubba Rogers is Big Bossman adjace. Big Bossman was kind of cool. Big Bubba Rogers was not cool at all. Also, not totally sure what he was doing hanging out with The Dungeon of Doom. Like, I can't see him, Z-Gangsta, Konnan, and The Yeti sitting around and doing doomy stuff together. Big Bossman is at his best when he is dragging around other wrestler's dead father's caskets. Big Bossman is at his worst when he's Big Bubba Rogers.

8. The Master
The Master gave orders to The Taskmaster, which just kind of undercut the powers of The Taskmaster. Then The Master disappeared, and we were left with The Taskmaster, and things kind of kept existing, but they weren't able to enter their strange realm that Hulk Hogan once wandered into when he took a wrong turn at the mall. I feel like there should have been other means to that end, but the Dungeon couldn't figure it out.

7. Z-Gangsta
He should probably be higher since he couldn't wrestle to save his life, but I have a soft spot for the co-star of No Holds Barred, so although his wrestling skills sucked ass, he lead to a lot of joy in my life.

6. The Yeti
He was the co-star of Hulk Hogan's first sex tape and never managed to do anything else. I always thought El Gigante could have done more. There is nobody that almost got pushed to incredibly high lengths for a company to decide it was a bad idea and immediately bury the guy. This happened with every single gimmick that he had. This was actually Ron Reis, but the main point remains the same, a there is just no recovering from being a part of the Dungeon of Doom (thanks to @JonahDrama for pointing out my stupidity).

5. The Final Ultimate Solution
Yep, in 1996, WCW was so brain dead that they named a wrestler The Final Solution. Needless to say, Jewish people, and honestly, people in general, found the name to be in poor taste. There's nothing really wrong with the wrestler, he looked like a classic Strongman but never really did anything important, since WCW definitely wanted him to fade away quickly after the naming gaffe. He died about a year after his run in WCW, which gives him something in common with about half of the guys about the Dungeon of Doom. But credit to the Dungeon that someone who reminds people of the Holocaust only ranks fifth on sucking the most ass.

4. Maxx
Max Muscle was too terrible to hang out with early era DDP, so he became Max and joined the Dungeon of Doom. He did nothing of consequence, so I can't put him too high, but it was just a case of, "This guy has nothing to do...put him in the Dungeon of Doom?" Unfortunately the equation of Maxx + Dungeon + ???? = Money did not come to fruition.

3. Braun The Leprechaun
Braun The Leprechaun was basically Giant Hornswoggle. Somehow, that only sucks enough ass to be #3 on this list.

2. Hugh Morrus
Hugh Morrus really sucked ass. I mean, did anybody like Morrus? He was walking around a Riddler singlet, and he was just a fat guy. He jumped off the top rope, but that may be his only redeemable quality. With a name like Hugh Morrus, you would have expected him to be super clever. Yet, not only can I not remember him cutting a promo, YouTube can't even remember him cutting a promo. The only thing "humorous" was that he had a high pitch laugh. That's it. What was your favorite Hugh Morrus match? I think my favorite was the time he beat someone that mattered. Wait, that never happened? I guess I don't have a favorite Hugh Morrus match, because he sucked ass.

1. The Zodiac
God, Zodiac was such shit. I would guess that he was named after the Zodiac Killer, but the Zodiac Killer looked like a sociopathic nerd, which is way more terrifying than it sounds. The Zodiac looked like Brutus The Barber Beefcake with a spiky hairdo. Yeah, not as scary. But, gosh darnit, Brother Bruti was Hogan's friend, and Ed Leslie was going to keep getting roles in pro wrestling because of it. Honestly, good for him. I'm a lifelong Hulkamaniac, and all I've gotten from Hogan is a picture and an autograph, and even that didn't come cheap. But out of all of his gimmicks, Zodiac was the worst. It was the most ass-sucky gimmick in the Dungeon of Doom, and after looking at each guy, that is definitely saying something.

How Shawn Michaels Became The Heartbreak Kid

As I go through the years of pro wrestling on WWE Network, one of the most fascinating aspects is watching how wrestlers are able to change over the years. The physical changes are obvious, but the personality changes are far more interesting. Shawn Michaels is one of the most fascinating character changes over the years. The most well-known characters that Michaels portrayed was a bland babyface as one half of The Rockers, and his portrayal as the cool guy sex symbol as The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. But in between there was a period where he was neither, as he switched from a babyface who didn't quite yet know how to be a heel.

Although throwing your tag team partner through a plate glass window is a great way to get heat, Shawn Michaels didn't yet know who his character really was beyond, "Bad guy." Everybody could see that he had way more potential than Marty Jannetty, but I'm not sure if anybody really knew where it was going. But he kept getting time, first with his interview show, The Heartbreak Hotel, but even then he was a little stiff. The most important thing that happened to him was when Macho Man left, and he was allowed to take over commentary on Raw for several weeks.

When he first started on commentary, he knew to take the heel perspective but didn't quite know how to talk it out. Vince McMahon may have been shitty at commentating wrestling matches, but he was always willing to set up his broadcast partners. Now some, like Rob Bartlett, took the ball and ran it into his own end zone, laid down, and shit his pants. But, Shawn Michaels slowly warmed up to talking during the matches. It started as the bad is good, good is bad trope that is easy and predictable, but he went from arrogant bad guy to conceited, self-absorbed, sex symbol bad guy, and the latter led to a very long shelf life.

I think that people remember Shawn Michaels as a great talker from his career, but that was never his greatest strength. I mean, it's not like you remember any great HBK lines outside of the lyrics to his song (which was written by Jimmy Hart). Where his real strength lied was in reacting to things as he was always comfortable giving the proper reactions whether it be with words or looks. Too many people in wrestling will agree with the guys on their side and disagree with the guys against them, but Michaels actually used some nuance. Him, Diesel, and Undertaker were going to tag together against Yokouzuna, Owen Hart, and British Bulldog. They had a promo together and Shawn and Diesel are keeping things lighthearted, and Undertaker takes it to a way darker place, and HBK gets a WTF look on his face, and then Undertaker finishes, and he goes into the "Yeah, what he said," reaction. It's subtle, but it makes him relatable instead of a caricature of how a person would react.

Although I still frequently listen to Sexy Boy, I'm not the biggest mark for HBK. Still, he had one of the ten most successful wrestling careers of all time, and that never would have happened had he not been given the chance to fail. He wasn't great at first, and had he not been able to refine his act subtly during commentary, he may never have caught on like he did.

WWE usually uses one wrestler to do commentary for one segment during Raw each week. Letting different guys take over an entire show and helping them find their voice may lead to some awkward moments, but it could also help WWE uncover the next great superstar. 

My Review of Hogan's Beach

So I recently moved about an hour away from Tampa. This meantthat there was one restaurant that was at the top of my list on places to go, Hogan's Beach. Although I'm not quite as proud to be a Hulkamaniac as I once was, Hulk Hogan was still instrumental in my childhood, and I still train and eat my vitamins every day (Yes, I know that I am also supposed to say my prayers, but two out of three ain't bad). Although it isn't quite the holy land, Hogan's Beach was a place I had to go. Also, I could use it to take the wife out for dinner, so win-win.

The first thing that surprised me is that it was actually impressive looking. It is a very large place, and it is right on the beach where you just walk down a few stairs from the restaurant and you can go swimming. They also had beach volleyball and a pretty big stage set up at all times. Unfortunately, when I actually arrived at the restaurant, I found out that valet parking is mandatory and costs $5. That's some bullshit, Hulk Hogan, and I was none too pleased about it as I have parked my own car thousands of times without fail.

They did partially make up for it as I spotted Jimmy Hart walking by immediately when we got in the door. I told my wife who it was before she could make a condescending remark about the tiny guy with the hair of a fun-loving grandma. I figured if Jimmy Hart was right near the door, who knew all of the wrestling greats I might run into. Could I be at a table next to Brian Knobbs? Maybe I could have a beer with Bushwhacker Luke. The possibilities seemed endless. Unfortunately, our run-in with greatness began and ended with the Mouth of the South.

We got a table outside and looked over the menu. I was pleasantly surprised with the varieties of beer they had on tap. They had ten different craft beers on tap, so I ordered a Long Hammer since it was from Seattle, and I lived in Seattle back in the day. Unfortunately, the waitress came back with my wife's drink and not mine. She informed me that they no longer had Long Hammer. I ordered another beer, and she quickly told me that they did not have that either, and that in fact, they only had three of the craft beers listed on the menu. That made my decision much easier, but it was a little disappointing.

Then it was time to figure out food. I quickly scanned the menu, and saw the Hogan Burger. Obviously, this was going to be my decision. My wife asked me if I liked fried egg on my burger. I told her I didn't know, but I was about to find out. I mean, if it's good enough for Hulk Hogan, it's good enough for me.

The food came out, and it was fine. The fried egg on the burger didn't add a ton, but it also didn't take away from the other flavors. The arugula and bacon lardons were the highlights, and the roasted tomatoes and black truffle mayo drifted into the background. The burger tasted like ground beef that had been cooked. So, yeah, the food was nothing spectacular.

I would have to say the biggest highlight were the two guys at the table next to us. They were drinking beers, sharing appetizers, and having shots of Fireball. They finished everything up, and the waitress asked if they wanted their check. These bros were shocked at the audacity of this waitress to see if they wanted their check. One bro replied, "Apparently you don't know us. We like to drink, so we're gonna be here for a while." The waitress, since she did not know them, she was only their waitress, was about to just say "Okay," but before she could, Bro 2 piped up and said, "Two more Miller Lites." Party hard, brosephs. Party hard.

After our meal, we checked out the memorabilia on display and the two biggest highlights were a vitamin bag that was the size of a large backpack and the Thunderlips robe from Rocky III. The latter alone makes it worth the trip.

So where does that leave us with Hogan's Beach? Well, in summary, it's a completely inoffensive tourist trap with some fun Hulk Hogan memorabilia on the wall. It's not good, it's not bad. it just is. I give it 12 inch biceps.