Let's Slow Down on the Kobe Love

Hoo boy, I’m coming in with a hot take today. That’s why I have waited over a week to post it, but I have to post it because this shit has gotten out of control. We need to slow down on the Kobe love.

Now first off, I get it. Kobe, and eight other people dying in a helicopter crash is no doubt a tragedy, especially since there were children involved. I loved watching Kobe Bryant play basketball, and I think he’ll forever be the closest player to Michael Jordan in skill and competitiveness. Also, Kobe was a guy who did a lot to try to promote the advancement of women’s basketball which I think is great.

But Kobe Bryant was a rapist, and you can’t erase that because it doesn’t fit your happy little narrative. It’s especially offensive when you hear about people talking about the Mamba Mentality, and not making the connection of a man who pushed for more, more, and more. It’s horrifying to think about, and I would hope it’s impossible to ignore, but so many people seem to be doing just that.

I don’t know how the NBA and various teams can look at honoring him, because this shit is not going to age well. Random teams retiring his number, an All-Star game being dedicated to him, he was a great player, but you can’t overlook the other thing forever. It’s not a matter of if but when a giant uprising forms for teams and the league to rescind all of these Kobe dedications, so what is the gain in doing this?

Again, I liked Kobe as a player, and what happened was no doubt a tragedy. But let’s get some perspective here, Kobe did something awful and if you’re going to recognize the good, you have to recognize the very bad that goes with it. You can respect his game, but you don’t have to honor him.

Ahmed Johnson: What Is There To Say?

Ahmed Johnson was my jam as a child. I was a big fan of muscular dudes, and especially liked guys with face paint or minorities. Had Great Muta been more muscular, he probably would have been my favorite wrestler of all time. But Ahmed Johnson still fit nicely within that niche.

Because of that, in my draft folder, I have had a post with Ahmed Johnson's name on it and not much else. I know there is something to be said about Ahmed Johnson, but I'm not exactly sure what I should be focusing on.

I could focus on his physique as he was a giant black man, and he was incredibly over during his WWE career. Every time the dude showed up, people got jacked up about his presence. He really didn't do much outside of being big and strong, but that was enough. He seemed destined for stardom based strictly on aesthetic appeal, but it never came together.

I guess I could talk about why it didn't come together. Ah yes, injuries. This is a guy who was always pushed pretty hard; he never seemed to take clean losses, but it only got him as far as the Intercontinental Title, which he had to relinquish immediately because he got injured. Ahmed Johnson had an athletic build, but he never really looked athletic. Everything seemed strained, and despite the million dollar exterior, the interior never held up to get him that World Title push.

I could talk about his time in the Nation of Domination, but it is literally the most forgettable thing out there. It could have been a really important thing of African American performers banding together as they felt the establishment was holding them down, but they didn't push Farooq into the title and things kind of had to go in a different direction. They turned on Ahmed Johnson, and Ahmed went right back to fighting against the Nation of Domination like he didn't just say they made some good points a few weeks earlier. But don't worry about the Nation; they ended up finding a rather charismatic superstar to replace Ahmed Johnson (Hint: he has the same last name).

I could talk about his run in WCW as Big T, but I think we should forget everything that led Booker T to become Booker to become GI Bro. 

I could talk about his promos, but what can you really say about this?

See, there's nothing to really say about that. And, here's another promo:

Okay, you got me. I have some thoughts on this. There is simply no way to listen to this promo and not think that Stone Cold Steve Austin sexually assaulted Ahmed Johnson. I mean, Ahmed gets mad at Stone Cold for entering the zone, which he later clarifies as his zone, and then he further clarifies that it is an end zone. He then FURTHER clarifies that an end zone is a place where you score and admitted that Stone Cold Steve Austin scored on him. He then warns that he is going to score on Stone Cold, and that Austin should look out, because he's coming to get him. Um, I mean, what do you say to that?

I've got nothing to say about Ahmed Johnson.

Jameis Winston's Character Concerns

Jameis Winston's character has been one of the biggest news stories of the past two years. He has been an incredible college football player, and despite that, his off the field activities have gotten as much publicity as what he has done on the field. Winston's character concerns have been something on my mind for a while, and as I am getting ready to start scouting the potential QB prospects for the 2015 NFL I draft, I wanted to share my thoughts on the subject. 

To start off, most of the things he was accused of or caught doing are just dumb. Is he entitled? Yes, but that's not that shocking. I am sure everyone treats him like a god on that campus; it's not surprising that he has let it go to his head. If I were treated like a god between ages 18-21, I would have been a gigantic prick (I didn't have the benefit of being treated special, and I still did some stupid things that I'm not proud of during this time in my life). It's tough for me to worry too much about the following three acts.

Yes, he stole some crab legs. This is something a young guy does on a dare or just because he thinks he's entitled. Does the sense of entitlement worry me? Considering there is no concern over his work ethic, it's not a long-term concern for me.

Then he yelled something vulgar on campus. If any other student had done this, people would have laughed/been disgusted and moved on with their day. College students say and yell stupid things. 

The last small event that got way too much publicity was Jameis Winston dressing when he was suspended. This was given the most negative spin, but this could have easily been given a positive spin under the right circumstances. If it were a quarterback with a good image who maybe got suspended for some dumb NCAA rule and he came out to get his team ready for the game, he would be seen as a gamer who even though he wasn't able to play, wanted to do everything in his power to help his team prepare for victory. Since it was Jameis Winston, he is a selfish player who always wants the spotlight. It's not like Winston thought he was going to play if he dressed for the game, but him being out there to run drills can help his team win, so it could pretty easily be conveyed as an unselfish act of him putting the team first.

These acts may be dumb, but ultimately, none of these things really matter to me.

Then there is the sexual assault allegation. He's definitely guilty of the other three, but this one that we don't know about is my only concern, and it would definitely haunt me. There is a very good chance that we will never know the truth. I am someone who will gladly ignore things in order for my chosen team to win. I would gladly take steroids users on my team, as I see very little issue in performance enhancing drugs. Still, if the allegation was true, I would rather take a crappier quarterback and lose than win with Jameis Winston.

But as I said, we don't know. On the field, there are some question marks, but they pale in comparison to those question marks off the field. He's one of the two best quarterbacks going into the draft this year, and he has first round talent. But how can you pull the trigger on a guy like that? Can you really go to sleep easy making this guy a millionaire? At the same time, do you feel good about punishing a guy for something you don't know he did? It's probably easier to sleep knowing you let a talent pass through your fingertips because of those concerns, but that doesn't mean he won't be haunting your team down the road.

What would I do? Obviously, if I was with a team, I would talk to him and get all the information I could. But just off of the information I know, I'd draft him if he was the top guy on my board. I believe in innocent until proven guilty, and I'd rather see ten guilty people go free than one person be falsely imprisoned. It's easy to hypothetically say you wouldn't draft the guy, because there is really no downside, and you can look like you value character over results. But honestly, if I did my due diligence and didn't find any damning information, I would take him.

But I'm not sure how well I'd be able to sleep after I did it.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand"

"Parents Just Don't Understand" is a song that I have been meaning to break down for a while. Probably like 25 years, because this song is brilliant and also one of the most inappropriate songs ever written. Somehow it has avoided scrutiny. Well, Fresh Prince, if that is even your real name, today is the day that you pay the piper. I would hope you have already heard it, but here is a video for those uninitiated.

Now onto the lyrics.

You know parents are the same no matter time nor place
They don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes
So to you, all the kids all across the land
There's no need to argue, parents just don't understand

Okay, this is actually all very acceptable. Parents be parents just as women be shoppin.

I remember one year
My mom took me school shopping
It was me, my brother, my mom, oh, my pop, and my little sister
All hopped in the car
We headed downtown to the Gallery Mall
My mom started bugging with the clothes she chose
I didn't say nothing at first
I just turned up my nose
She said, "What's wrong? This shirt cost $20"
I said, "Mom, this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!"

The Fresh Prince and I are totally on the same page on this one. This shirt is hideous. Sadly, this shirt is very likely to be fashionable soon if it is not already. Since I am in my late 20s, I have no idea what is cool with the kids these days.

The next half hour was the same old thing
My mother buying me clothes from 1963
And then she lost her mind and did the ultimate
I asked her for Adidas and she bought me Zips!

I just learned that his Mom did not buy him "zits." That never made sense, but you know, parents don't understand, and maybe his Mom bought pepperoni to rub on his face.

Oh, and what are Zips? They are just crappy shoes...with awesome commercials.

I said, "Mom, what are you doing, you're ruining my rep"
She said, "You're only sixteen, you don't have a rep yet"
I said, "Mom, let's put these clothes back, please"
She said "no, you go to school to learn not for a fashion show"
I said, "This isn't Sha Na Na, come on Mom, I'm not Bowzer
Mom, please put back the bell-bottom Brady Bunch trousers

This is Sha Na Na; I have a totally new respect for this opening verse.

There is so much that is going on in that picture. I...I can't even...words cannot do that photo justice. Let's move on.

But if you don't want to I can live with that but
You gotta put back the double-knit reversible slacks"
She wasn't moved - everything stayed the same
Inevitably the first day of school came
I thought I could get over, I tried to play sick
But my mom said, "No, no way, uh-uh, forget it"
There was nothing I could do, I tried to relax
I got dressed up in those ancient artifacts

He probably should have just worn his clothes from the year before. Even if they were a little small, I would think it would be a better solution. Come on Prince, you've got to know the basics in staying Fresh.

And when I walked into school, it was just as I thought
The kids were cracking up laughing at the clothes Mom bought
And those who weren't laughing still had a ball
Because they were pointing and whispering
As I walked down the hall

I wonder what those kids were thinking. Like, "Wow, that guy looks like a real asshole in those clothes, but there ain't no way I'm gonna laugh at The Fresh Prince. Let's just point and whisper, out of respect."

I got home and told my Mom how my day went
She said, "If they were laughing you don't need them,
Cause they're not good friends"
For the next six hours I tried to explain to my Mom
That I was gonna have to go through this about 200 more times
So to you all the kids all across the land
There's no need to argue
Parents just don't understand

I would just like to pause that just about everything in this first verse is completely understandable from The Fresh Prince's perspective. He tried to reason with his Mom, and she just wouldn't listen, and it really ruined his first day of school. This is all understandable. I point that out, because this second verse is in no way, shape, or form, understandable.

Oh-kay, here's the situation
My parents went away on a week's vacation and
They left the keys to the brand new Porsche
Would they mind?

Yes, very much so.

Umm, well, of course not

You are not accurately thinking like your parents.

I'll just take it for a little spin
And maybe show it off to a couple of friends
I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood
Well, maybe I shouldn't
Yeah, of course I should

Oh, Fresh Prince, I understand your teen angst and that you must drive their Porsche, but this will turn out to lead to numerous bad decisions later on.

Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot
I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block
That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking

This is the whole reason that I am writing this post. This whole scene is SOOOOO messed up. Please continue, Mr. Prince.

I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking
You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions
I honked my horn just to get her attention
She said, "Was that for me?"
I said, "Yeah"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "Come on and take a ride with a helluva guy"

I really would like to find a way to reenact this scene but finding a random girl on the streets to get her part right would be really tough. And, I'm not sure the best way to respond when a girl tells me, "Go fuck yourself." Come on and take a ride with a helluva...shelf? Elf? That doesn't seem quite as charming.

She said, "How do I know you're not sick?
You could be some deranged lunatic"
I said, "C'mon toots - my name is The Prince
Besides, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?"
She agreed and we were on our way

Woah, woah, woah. This scenario would never come close to playing out in real life. At least, dear god, I hope it does not happen in real life. If this is why there are so many missing girls, then some of the blame has to go to the ladies, because they ought to know better. These are very good questions from this young lady, but she should not accept these answers. If a man has a nice car, calls you "toots," and refers to himself as, "The Prince" run for your life. There is no positive outcome in that scenario.

She was looking very good and so was I, I must say - word
We hit McDonald's, pulled into the drive

Thought in Fresh Prince's head, "Just picked up a hot date, better take her to the best restaurant in town. You know my motto? LL Big M - Ladies Love Big Macs."

We ordered two Big Macs and two large fries with Cokes
She kicked her shoes off onto the floor
She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on"
She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas
We almost got whiplash, I took off so fast
The sun roof was open , the music was high
And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh

This is an incredibly disturbing thought if you know where this song is headed. So, so, very disturbing.

She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far

Oh, God, that is WAY worse.

I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car

That's bad.

We're doing ninety in my Mom's new Porsche
And to make this long story short - short
When the cop pulled me over I was scared as hell
I said, "I don't have a license but I drive very well, officer"

That's worse.

I almost had a heart attack that day
Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway

WHAT? 12? 12 years old? A twelve-year-old? This song was recorded in 1988, which would have made The Fresh Prince 20 years old. I don't think I have ever, even when I was 12, thought, "You should have seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a 12 year old. When I was 12, I wasn't thinking that about 12 years old. When I was 20, I didn't come across many 12 year olds, and I certainly didn't drive around town in my 1993 Mercury Tracer trying to pick them up off the street. Not to mention this was a runaway, meaning that this girl was either in week-old clothing or simply down to wearing a potato sack. That is what got The Fresh Prince to think, "Wow, that girl is beautiful. I love her My Little Pony backpack and how she is playing with Barbies on the side of the street." That's way fucked up, and this was a popular song that nobody saw any issues with 25 years ago. This song will never be covered, because the person who sings that would immediately be brought in by the FBI for questioning. Anyway, let's move on...

I was arrested, the car was impounded
There was no way for me to avoid being grounded

GROUNDED? You're worried about being grounded? That should be the least of your worries. In all honesty, you should be ecstatic that you got arrested before you committed statutory rape. I would send those cops a nice fruit basket.

My parents had to come off from vacation to get me
I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me

Dude, you have no idea how close you came to finding out that jail is way WAY worse than having your father hit you. Your butt was nearly turned into a community glory hole.

My parents walked in
I got my grip, I said, "Ah, Mom, Dad, how was your trip?"
They didn't speak - I said, "I want to plead my case"
But my father just shoved me in the car by my face
That was a hard ride home, I don't know how I survived
They took turns - one would beat me while the other was driving
I can't believe it, I just made a mistake

No. No no no no no no no. That is not a mistake. Forgetting to lock the door is a mistake. Leaving the windows open with the AC on is a mistake. Nearly committing statutory rape is most certainly not a mistake.

Well parents are the same no matter time nor place
So to you all the kids all across the land
Take it from me, parents just don't understand

Sure, he almost went to jail for 20 years, but you really should have seen this 12 year old's bodily dimensions.

A Man's Guide To "The Nutcracker"

Since I am a man of great substance and culture, I went to the ballet over the weekend. Now many out there may call me a Nancy Boy for this action, but, um...shit, I was really hoping to have a comeback for that. Anyway, going to the ballet is a good way to impress a lady, so it's maybe, kind of, somewhat justifiable. 

I sat there intently as I actually learned many things from "The Nutcracker." It would be a disservice to the world if I kept these things to myself, so today, I would like to share my thoughts so that other men will know what they are in store for when going to "The Nutcracker." 

My only experience with ballet up to this point was the Saved By The Bell where the guys filled in at the last second so they wouldn't have to cancel things. Obviously, like all things SBTB, hilarity ensued. Screech dressed up like a giant bird, but everybody else was in leotards. Because of this, I assumed everyone would be in identical leotards throughout every ballet. Looking back, I realize this was not my most sophisticated thought, but this is what happens when your only point of reference is SBTB. I also can't stop time by saying "Timeout" which is another thing I found out the hard way. So although there are some leotards, there's a lot more variety than that.

Now onto the actual ballet. The first thing that will piss you off at the ballet (at least this performance) was that the ballerinas were mouthing words but not saying anything. If you are going to mouth things, you might as well just say it, because we have the technology for people to be heard. Either do a better job of acting, or just say that you want to punch your sister in the throat. 

The plot starts with a party where all these greedy kids want presents. They don't get presents for a while, until a magician comes along. The reason I believe he is a magician is that he wore a cape with lining on the inside that looked like a quilt. He didn't do any magic, but he did give presents from a giant treasure chest. Not only did his presents suck (half of them were just giant candy canes), but he only gave presents to like 40% of the kids. What an asshole.

Finally, he gives this girl a Nutcracker. Yep, that is another shitty present, but she's excited, so maybe she has some form of mental retardation. Immediately, two other kids break the thing. It gets fixed really poorly by The Magician, and then without explanation, it shows up again, and it's back to normal. 

The girl then dances around rat children for a while for no apparent reason. Then she puts her nutcracker in a magic shed, and he turns into a human-sized nutcracker, which is goddamned terrifying. Seriously, imagine this thing as a human coming at you:

Fuck that. There is no toy in the world that looks more like a rapist than this one. So I'm thinking this thing needs to be killed, and luckily there is a Rat King out there who is pulling this girl in because I think he wants to eat her for strength. I'm still rooting for the Rat King, because he kind of reminds me of Master Splinter, and I will cheer for anything that will kill this life-sized Nutcracker. Rat King and Nuts (my nickname for Nutcracker) get in a sword fight and Rat King basically owns him. Nuts plays dead like a total bitch, and when Rat King turns his back, he stabs him in the back. So now the rat children who I assume to be a lot like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have nobody to teach them ways to kill Nuts, so they mourn and disappear forever.

Afterwards, Nuts turns into a regular human, and they dance around a lot until intermission.

A lot of things happened before intermission, which is good, because very little, and I mean practically nothing happens plot-wise in the second half of this. It's really just a bunch of dancing in the second half. I couldn't even make up a coherent plotline from the dancing, because it looked like someone with ADD decided to have a dance party, but no theme for the dance party, so people just take turns showing off their moves.

The highlight of the second half was this dude who kept almost hitting wrestling moves on his lady dance partner. He nearly nailed her with a piledriver, but chose not to. Then he had her up for the torture rack, but decided against it. Finally, as he went off stage, he had her up for a Razor's Edge, so I'll just assume that he put her through a table with that one, but it was too gruesome for the children in the audience to watch.

And then anywhere from one to eight people take turns dancing, and the crowd applauds everything. It's absolutely outrageous. If this were a basketball game, they would applaud every time someone dribbled without turning the ball over. Ballet crowds are extremely easy to please. 

And really, that's all that happened in the second half. Lots of dancing. Eventually, our nightmare ends when Nuts turns back into his original nutcracking form, and the ballerinas proceed to bow for a good five minutes. 

Although I would not recommend "The Nutcracker" to other men, I will say that the ballet and I have two things in common. We can be completely ridiculous, and chicks dig us. 

Now please stop calling me a Nancy Boy.

-Joe

P.S. To masculine up this post, here is a picture from @Si_Vault of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T:

I'm not sure what's most ridiculous: The weight belts? Hulk's socks? Mr. T's shoes? I'd probably go with the weight belts. That look definitely needs to come back.

Let's Look At The B1G

The B1G is pretty deep, but has no elite teams. Wisconsin is the best team. They don't always play like the best team. There are three weeks left in the season, and there are seven teams that could still win the B1G. Wisconsin, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, Nebraska, Ohio State, and even Iowa has a shot at claiming the inaugural title. None of these teams are great, and if they get matched up with anybody outside of the Big East Champion (and possibly the ACC), they will be a heavy underdog in their BCS game.

Brady Hoke is not comfortable with Denard Robinson as his quarterback. But he's still trying to design an offense that is giving him a good chance to succeed. Hoke clearly wants a pro-style offense, but he has compromised to help Denard be successful to give his team the best chance to win. Brady Hoke has a history of success. He succeeded at Ball State, he succeeded at San Diego State, and now the guy is going to succeed at Michigan. Let's face it, Ohio State is on a downward trend, Penn State rapes kids instead of opponents, and I still think Nebraska is garbage. Michigan is the one team with a great legacy on the upswing, and I wouldn't be surprised if they had an Ohio State like run in the B1G in the next few years.

Contrast that with what the Hawkeyes defense is doing under Norm Parker. Look, I love Norm, and he's a fantastic teacher of his defense. But his steadfast refusal to adapt to the talent that the Hawkeyes have on hand has been aggravating this season. The Hawkeyes most talented position is cornerback. Their least talented position is the defensive line. Despite this, the Hawkeyes run a defense that depends on the defensive line creating pressure with the defensive backfield has constant help over the top. Yes, the Hawkeyes rarely get beat deep, but the opposing quarterback has so much time to sit in the pocket that he can eventually pick the defense apart with underneath routes. With the lack of pressure the front four is able to generate, Iowa needs to be willing to call more blitzes and let teams try and test their corners. Iowa could win out and go to the B1G Championship, but only if they stop letting teams attack their weakness and start forcing teams to attack their strength.

And then we have Penn State. Doesn't Penn State piss you off? They do not appear to be a good football team in any way, but they just keep on winning. I now know why everyone hated the 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes so much. They just kept pulling games out of their asses, much like Penn State is doing this season. I'd say Iowa had a stronger quarterback, even with the Rick Sixes, while Penn State has the stronger running game with Silas Redd. But the defenses are pretty damn even. 2011 Penn State is 2009 Iowa...except with more child rapings.

-Joe

P.S. This tweet made me incredibly happy:

@BradBiggs Brad Biggs

Also, was terrific seeing pro wrestling star Gene Snitsky outside #Bears locker room. Dave Toub was his strength coach at Mizzou.

P.P.S. This video also made me incredibly happy: