The WWE Is Ruining... Carmella

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, it is time to get F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S, yes! It's time to talk about Carmella.

Carmella is (kayfabe) a hairdresser who was friends with Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady. She quickly lost her hairdressing job because of their antics, and luckily found out that she could be a good professional wrestler. Well, good is relative as she came out on the short side of things in her feud against Eva Marie.

Still, she got promoted along with a couple of bozos that are no longer in the professional wrestling world. Even when she made her Smackdown debut, she was interrupted by the more important Eva Marie.

But even though she wasn't good at pinning opponents, she was good at climbing ladders. Well, kind of. She did win the inaugural Women's Money in the Bank match, but it was only because of James Ellsworth actually climbed the ladder and grabbed the contract for her. It was a terrible decision by the WWE, so then they just redid the match and had Carmella climb the ladder instead of Ellsworth.
Throughout her early career, her most important moments involved Enzo, Big Cass, Eva Marie, and James Ellsworth. You would be hard pressed to find a group of four worse superstars.

Luckily, things turned around for Carmella when she actually cashed in her Money in the Bank briefcase since it was brought on by an attack on Charlotte Flair by the IIconics. She then got to have maybe the greatest stretch for any woman in the WWE history. She beat the unbeatable Charlotte Flair, and then beat the unbeatable Asuka in back-to-back feuds. And she beat them multiple times. So unless somebody beats Ronda Rousey and Becky Lynch consecutively, that stretch may never be topped.

But of course even that was filled with stupid bullshit as she beat Asuka by James Ellsworth confusing Asuka with cosplay which made about as much sense as...eh, actually it makes about as much sense as most of WWE's storylines.

She did eventually lose her title in a triple threat match to Charlotte Flair, and then teamed up with the one person who was continually challenging her to matches, R-Truth. This was probably my favorite part of Carmella's run as everyone kept beating Carmella to get title chances, so R-Truth rightfully believed that he should challenge Carmella for a title opportunity. But instead of going against each other, they teamed up and won the Mixed Match Challenge that was hilariously compromised by injuries to nearly every team in the tournament. But hey, a win's a win.

After that, she teamed up with Naomi to create a team, because they needed 12 ladies for the first ever women's tag title elimination chamber match. And that's where we are at today.

Honestly, Carmella is an underrated talent. She has improved greatly in the ring, and she has shown the versatility to be a babyface or a heel. She's a good all-around talent but doesn't stand out in any one area. It's a tough spot to be in, because there is so much talent on the WWE women's roster currently. I think the WWE has done a very good job with her so far, although I do think her long title reign stagnated the division a bit. Still, she has talent and charisma but is a woman who would greatly benefit from a secondary title as opposed to a top title.

Carmella is someone who is better when paired with others. Her best push came with Enzo and Big Cass, and her most important push came with James Ellsworth. Hell, her most fun push came with R-Truth. So I searched high, and I searched low, and the perfect people to pair her with are Tyler Breeze and Fandango. She dances and is fashionable, and I'm going to guess that she loves to solve a good mystery. Carmella isn't a killer in the ring, but she does have charisma, so gear towards that and just keep her as a fun part of the women's division. An Intercontinental Tile (or equivalent) has to be in the works, and she should definitely see herself in that picture, because Carmella is F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Chad Gable

Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Goldust
Jey Uso
Jimmy Uso
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Shane McMahon
Shinsuke Nakamura
Tyler BreezeZack Ryder 

The Ultimate NXT Draft Review: 11-20

In June of 2016, so now nearly two and a half years ago, Lukewarm Jonah and I got together to do an NXT Fantasy Draft. We are going to focus on the NXT roster as the transition from NXT to the main roster or just the progression within NXT provides some fascinating talking points. Although we did a fairly good job, there were definitely some big time misses and some amazing steals. We've already broken down the top 10, so let's look at picks 11-20 today.

11. Joe selects Tye Dillinger

Jonah: Tye Dillinger is awesome, but very underused, kind of like in NXT.  He’s very entertaining and good, not great in the ring. He’s a guy who can be in the midcard for a decade, and could move up if the WWE ever wanted to use him that way.  Solid pick, but there are some people below who are better, he probably moves down about 10, 10, 10 picks in the redraft.

Joe: Yeah, Jonah is correct in everything he said. He just never got a chance to get his character over, and now he’s in the abyss of underutilized WWE talent.

12-13. Jonah selects The Revival

Joe: Well, let me just start by saying Fuck The Revival. But these guys had injury issues at the worst possible time, and WWE has not shown any inclination that they are ready to trust them. They can have great tag matches, but despite the WWE having an overload of tag talent, they can’t seem to utilize more than two teams at a time. Hopefully 2019 turns things around as their matches with DIY, American Alpha, and Authors of Pain will go down as some of the best tag wrestling in WWE history.

But seriously, Fuck The Revival.

Jonah: Joe, FTR stands for Forever the Revival.  They’ve been retweeted by some young bucks quite often these days so if there was heat it’s all gone.  The Revival should be higher on this draft, they’re an incredible tag team, but they’re so horribly used.  I could see them making an impact this next year after a shoutout from Seth Rollins. If the WWE fails them miserably, I can see them being great in AEW.

14-15. Joe selects Nia Jax and Mojo Rawley

Jonah: Nia Jax is pretty over and featured on RAW most weeks.  She is also really good at injuring people, which isn’t a great skill to have.  In her time on the main roster Jax has injured Bayley, Zelina Vega, Alexa Bliss, Charlotte Flair and of course Becky Lynch.  This article isn’t about ragging on Jax, but there has to be a concern if you have a wrestler on your show that isn’t good at keeping her opponents healthy.  That being said, she’s a former champ and this is a good spot for her to get drafted. Mojo, oh Mojo,if you came around 10 to 15 years ago you’d be a huge star, but wrestlers have to be able to wrestle these days.  Mojo isn’t awful, but compared to the immense talent they have company wide, he stands out as not being great. He could be a great opener, using his hypeness and having fun with the kids. Or he could be a main event heel if they made him Triple M and paired him up with Jay Cutler.  In a redraft Mojo falls a decent amount, but he could still have a future.

Joe: Sorry that Jonah is a snowflake who can’t handle Nia Jax getting REAL and hurting people all of the time. But seriously, Nia Jax still has a great presence, seems like a really nice person and is not great at professional wrestling. But with her hanging out with Tamina, she’s basically Ricky Steamboat out there. Mojo won a battle royal once, but yeah, I wish I could have had this pick back.

16-17. Jonah selects Johnny Gargano and Tomasso Ciampa

Joe: When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong, and boy was I wrong about Johnny Gargano. People freaking loved Johnny Wrestling, and I just saw an undersized guy who was fine. Like, definitely good at wrestling, but I just didn’t see anything special. I did like Ciampa, but with them being a packaged deal, I really had no interest in them, and I was wrong. Gargano’s great. Ciampa’s great. But they’ve been around for three years and still haven’t gotten the call-up, and that is my big concern. What is the WWE going to do with these guys on the main roster?

Jonah: Triple H is just waiting for Vince to give him full control before he calls up Gargano and Ciampa, he saw what he did to Asuka and he will never forget that pain.  Gargano puts on five star matches basically every Takeover, it’s pretty amazing. His character has become well flushed out, and even though I don’t like the white meat babyface turning evil, it seems to be working out for him.  Lost in the talk of how great Gargano is, is how great Ciampa is. He’s the NXT champ, putting on phenomenal matches, and being an amazing heel. No one will survive Ciampa, no one. As a package, these guys are way higher up in the redraft, they’re two main eventers in NXT.  At worst, they should be reunited as a dominant tag team who kills it on whatever show they go to. They should have a good showing on the main roster, but who knows with the booking.

Joe: The good news is that WWE has a far better track record with guys who stay in NXT for a long time as opposed to guys who get quick callups, so hopefully they have a plan for them. If they actually did a better job with 205 Live, these guys would be ideal for that show before bumping up to heavyweight, but if you’re pushing a tiny white guy, I feel like Finn Balor and Daniel Bryan are taking most of the opportunities. But yes, they have been awesome, and I really hope the WWE allows them to continue to be awesome.

18-19. Joe selects Carmella and No Way Jose

Jonah: I underestimated Carmella, and she’s a good pick here.  She’s super annoying as a heel, so annoying that I didn’t think it was possible for her to be a face, but she’s proved herself as a good face.  She’s not excellent in the ring, but she’s passable. She has a good character and she’s entertaining. It’s a solid pick. I thought they were making No Way Jose a guy who was fun outside the ring but could get it done in the ring at the end of his NXT run.  On the main roster they’ve decided to not have him wrestle or be on TV, which seems to be hurting his popularity. If you don’t have anything for the guy, leave him in developmental and let him get better, doesn’t seem like rocket science to me. No Way Jose has to drop in the redraft, but at least he’s got potential.

Joe: Yeah, I really have nothing to add to your analysis of either of them except that Carmella is undefeated in matches where a friend cosplays as her opponent.

20. Jonah selects Elias Samson

Joe: Man, I should have paid attention to what I saw in person instead of what I saw on TV with this guy. Elias was always great at house shows, because he would just tear apart the Largo crowd in his songs, but they never let him do it on NXT, and he was super bland. Then, he got a sudden call-up to the main roster and they gave him full reign, and it’s clear that the WWE thinks he has a bright future. This was an excellent pick, and it really wouldn’t be a shock if you told me he had one of the five best WWE careers of anyone on this list.

Jonah: Yeah, super happy with this pick.  He’s probably in the US/Intercontinental Championship picture, and I could see him winning it at Wrestlemania.  He’s super over, and has actually transitioned to a face, which seemed difficult for him. His heat in Seattle was legitimately the biggest heat any person has had since the Attitude Era.  He’s nothing special in the ring, but he’s good enough. He will have a successful career, unless the WWE screws it up royally, which they probably will. Still a good pick here, he moves up a few spots in the redraft.

Joe: I actually think you are underselling this pick. If you had the choice of Elias or Ciampa or Gargano, don’t you have to go with Elias? He’s done it on the big show and gotten over with what the WWE has given him. He’s shown the biggest trait in being a star and that is being so good at being a heel that the crowd can’t help but cheer for you. I almost feel like we need to come together for a rankings at the end of this thing to really find out where guys should go.

Jonah: I probably am underselling Elias a bit.  He’s entertaining as hell. He’s got a good shot at being a future world champion.

Previous Installments:
Picks 1-10

6 Things That Stood Out About the WWE Draft

The WWE Brand Split Draft happened last night, and, like any draft, these things cannot happen without controversy. I wanted to highlight what stood out for me, while making my case to be Smackdown's Assistant GM.

1. Seth Rollins Goes #1
This is the correct choice for the first overall draft pick. He went number one in Jonah's and my WWE Fantasy Draft, and there's really not anybody that should have been taken ahead of him. At least they didn't mess this part up.

2. Finn Balor and American Alpha Are Drafted into Stardom
We basically knew these were coming as why else would you have Balor take a couple of losses in the last few weeks and have American Alpha ever lose? This was the reason, and they are no worse off for taking those losses. They immediately get drafted as big deals, and it'll be interesting to see how they try to progress their careers now that they've made it to the big show.

3. The Other NXT Picks
This was a travesty. Let's start off with a caveat that champions were not eligible for the draft, so Samoa Joe, The Revival, and Asuka are all off the board. Still, these were their picks? I have no issue with any of the three ladies taken, as I actually think they are all very good, but I have also watched all of them get a ton better in the last few months, and I'd way rather see them continue to get better for the next few months. Oh, and the fact that we're supposed to believe that Shane and Daniel Bryan sat in a room together, decided they needed an NXT female with the last pick of the draft, and had the following conversation:

Shane: Let's go with Carmella.
Daniel: What about Bayley?
Shane: You mean Billie? Billie Kay? I don't think she's ready. 
Daniel: No, Bayley.
Shane: Wait, it's Bayley Kay? 
Daniel: No, just Bayley.
Shane: Oh, so she dropped half her name, like Antonio Cesaro. Well, that changes things, but I'm still going with Carmella.
Daniel: God damnit.

Okay, now that I typed it out, I could totally have seen that happening. Now imagine the same conversation happening but instead Shane goes with Mojo Rawley while discounting Shinsuke Nakamura for not being hype enough.

4. WWE and Black Superstars
Remember when Apollo Crews was heralded as the guy who could change WWE's inability to promote black superstars to headlining positions within the company? I remember that. The WWE definitely does not remember that. Apollo Crews is phenomenal in the ring, and I feel like people forget how good he is, because he has no character development outside of a nice smile. He could be something, and the brand split should theoretically help a guy like this out, but the WWE hasn't given us much reason to have faith in their promotion of black superstars, so I'm not going to hold my breath.

5. A Missed Opportunity
Wouldn't it have been great to see Raw as the established superstars side of things, and Smackdown just oozing with straight wrestling. It's not like Raw has to be completely depleted of wrestlers. I know of a simple trade that could benefit both sides (it would greatly help Smackdown)

Smackdown trades John Cena and Randy Orton to Raw.
Raw trades Sami Zayn, Cesaro, and Neville to Smackdown.

Who says no to that? Because right now, I don't have a whole lot of reason to tune in to Smackdown. It's American Alpha, seeing if WWE wants to push Dolph Ziggler after taking a few years off, and the whether Mojo Rawley can stay hyped. That third reason was a joke, because my other option was going to be the WWE figuring out how to push Apollo Crews, but that seemed like more of a joke.

Basically, if trades are allowed, I demand the position of Assistant General Manager on Smackdown. DB, I know you're reading this, so just imagine me as your Jonah Hill, and you, my Brad Pitt, as we Moneyball the shit out of the Raw roster.

6. Did Shane and Stephanie Shoot Draft These Rosters?
I know that Shane is super beloved and everything, but are we sure he doesn't have the opinions of his father? Like, he hasn't been around for a while, and there is a pretty good chance that his wrestling tastes have not evolved in the last decade. And Stephanie, although hated onscreen, has watched NXT blossom thanks to guidance from her husband, so maybe she has a better grasp of where wrestling is going, as opposed to where it's been. Think about the simplistic justification that could have been used by Shane to make these picks:

Dean Ambrose - Champion
AJ Styles - Beat John Cena
John Cena - Is John Cena
Randy Orton - I remember him being really important the last time I was around.
Bray Wyatt - New Undertaker
Becky Lynch - Oh shit, they just got Sasha Banks.
The Miz - Intercontinental Champion
Natalya - Her Dad beat up my Dad (I'm assuming Shane does not understand the Hart family dynamics and thinks Bret is her Dad)
The Ascension - New Demolition
Alexa Bliss and Eva Marie - Hot

Are we positive that Shane didn't really make these picks and let Daniel Bryan have like 1 out of 10 picks where he could take Dolph Ziggler, American Alpha, and Apollo Crews? Also, doesn't this explain the biggest fall in the draft, Kevin Owens? Stephanie probably knew that Shane has the old school mentality that fat guys can't be important, so she locked up Sami Zayn early, knowing that she could grab Kevin Owens later on since Shane would never take a fat guy? You can tell me I'm wrong about this draft being a shoot, but you can't 100% convince me of it.

Another Date Night Watching WWE NXT

It had been a while since I had treated my wife to a wonderful evening of watching pro wrestling, so it was time for us to go to another NXT house show. Tickets are $10 for general admission, so it is an incredible deal, especially considering that general admission means rows 3-5. Also, even though my wife doesn't really care about professional wrestling, she enjoys watching me, as I do morph into a 12-year-old who has a permanent smile on my face while watching live wrestling. I'm lucky to have found someone who finds it cute and charming instead of sad and pathetic.

Let me just start by saying that I failed yet again to get a picture with Norman Smiley. I truly suck at this, as I saw him out of the corner of my eye as he was walking by and I was giving my ID to get my tickets. I should have just stopped what I was doing to achieve the goal, but I froze, and I never got another chance to express my gratitude to the man who invented the Big Wiggle. I suck, and I must find a way to make this happen.

As for other former superstars there, nobody of note...oh, except Mick Foley was randomly there simply as a spectator. He just sat in the front row by the entrance and watched the whole event. He did nothing during the event and was simply there to watch these guys wrestle.

But let's get to the wrestling with a quick match by match recap.

Anna Brock vs. Bailey
I had never seen Anna Brock before, but she's got some guns on her, and she flexes them a lot. Like that may be the extent of her gimmick, check out my muscular arms. Considering she must be fairly new, it's not too bad of a gimmick, because she does have the arms to pull it off. Bailey was Bailey, who was pretty solid and won the match with a Belly-to-Bailey suplex.

Chad Gable vs. Solomon Crowe
Chad Gable is fairly new, but he has some potential as a legit wrestler who can incorporate that into his pro wrestling. He was fairly entertaining, but the biggest takeaway from this match was that Crowe got rid of his really shitty splash finisher in favor of a submission.

Steve Cutler vs. Baron Corbin
Steve Cutler is a military guy, so you would think he was the good guy, but he came out to metal music, and posed more as a bad guy. He was kind of Lance Storm-esque in persona, but he ain't there with in-ring skills. Baron Corbin took a little offense before powering up and ragdolling Cutler.

Big Cass and Carmella vs. Marcus Louis and Devin Taylor
This was my wife's favorite match, as she was a huge Carmella fan and Devin Taylor lasted one episode on this year's Bachelor. The latter makes sense, but the former really confused me. But my wife is all in on Carmella and also likes Big Cass and Enzo Amore as they have fun sayings and they were 100% over with the crowd. From a personal standpoint, this was the moment where it hit me how gigantic wrestlers are. Marcus Louis is an above average sized wrestler, but he's not considered huge, but he was standing in the corner near where we were sitting, and let me tell you, that dude is huge. He is a massive human being, and sometimes people forget how big wrestlers are, even the guys who aren't considered that big. Unfortunately Taylor and Louis were S-A-W-F-T, SAWFT.

Ty Dillinger vs. Hugo Knox
Ty Dillinger has a new gimmick where he comes out after matches and rates them on a scale of 1-10. He considers himself a perfect 10. Who is Hugo Knox? Hugo Knox is probably my new favorite wrestler. He is a Manchester, England club dancer who has stupid tattoos, polka dot trunks and LOVES to West Coast Dance. Is he good in the ring? No, not really. But the more important question is whether he is totally awesome, and the answer to that one is a definitive yes. Dude danced so hard. He won the match and danced some more. I cannot wait for Hugo Knox to debut on television.

Mike Rallis vs. Bull Dempsey
Who is Mike Rallis? Not sure, honestly. Who is Bull Dempsey? A fat guy with a mean streak. This match happened. It wasn't terrible, but outside of Dempsey hitting his flying headbutt, nothing memorable happened.

Alexa Bliss Vs. Becky Lynch
I remember this being one of my favorite matches of the night. It was a good back and forth match with some of the few rare finishes that I was actually buying. Becky Lynch got the win, because poor Alexa can't get wins on sparkles alone.

CJ Parker vs. Hideo Itami
CJ Parker is who he is. He's fine in the ring; his gimmick is mildly entertaining, and he's basically in the same place he was two years ago. Hideo Itami was a guy who came in with a lot of hype due to being one of the biggest stars in Japan, but he hasn't really been all that impressive so far from what I saw on NXT. That being said, Hideo Itami is AWESOME in person. His style was really cool to see up close, and I finally get why people were so excited about him. Eventually, he is going to start using the GTS, and people are going to freak out. Needless to say, I am fully on board the Hideo Itami bandwagon.

Itami is great, but he's still no Hugo Knox.