How To Defend Against Two Guns

You ever find yourself where somebody takes you from behind and puts a gun to your head? It's probably not a big deal as it is fairly easy to handle one gunman, even if they are behind you. Any idiot can get out of that situation. BUT what if there is a second gunman who has a gun pointed at your belly. Well, shoot, that puts you in quite a pickle. But fear not, as you are about to learn how to handle these two assailants without breaking a sweat.

Two guns? It's not a problem #dumbassmartialarts #bullshit #guns #twoguns #wtf #selfdefense #realshit #lol #shot #shotgun pic.twitter.com/yfU0nORqYc

— Dumbass Martial Arts (@DumbassMA) February 7, 2018

So easy. Just smack the gun behind you into the man's shoulder blade. For some reason, he is going to shoot his gun into his own shoulder which will harm him, and you will be completely fine despite an explosion happening about six inches from your face. Also, before we move onto the second assailant, can I just say that I do not want to be assailant number one in this situation? That front bullet would tear through the woman and take out the guy behind her. This is not an effective kidnapping strategy.

Guy number two is my favorite part. You just push his hand forward, and all of a sudden, he is going to find his gun pointed at his friend's dick. Since it is very gay to shoot your friend's dick, this will cause him an existential crisis where he will freeze up and have no idea what to do.

While he is contemplating his own sexuality, it will be easy to disarm this man.

I know having two guns may seem like an insurmountable situation, but people forget that guns are like quarterbacks: If you have two, you really don't have one.

How To Defend Against Guns...And HUGS

Guns are scary, right? If somebody pointed a gun at you, would you know what to do? It may seem like insurmountable odds, but there is a method that will neutralize any shooter. The somersault.

How to work against a gun, as well as couple coronal techniques! #dumbassmartialarts #bullshit #workagainstgun #workagainstgun #fighting pic.twitter.com/Jg5OyqbZH3

— Dumbass Martial Arts (@DumbassMA) July 4, 2017

It's pretty simple. You just somersault, and the shooter will no longer be aiming his gun at you. He will still be aiming at chest level, but your chest is now on the ground, so he won't come close to hitting you. The beauty of the somersault as opposed to a simple sprawl is that you have now closed the distance and set yourself up for a brutal kick to the nuts.

Afterwards, you may be tempted to try to disarm the man with the gun. Don't even worry about that part. Instead, stand up and try a very awkward neck takedown that has never been used effectively in mankind's history. But mankind has never seen a person like you, and you are the one that will make great use of this. Obviously, after your neck takedown, you should go back to the nut strikes. The assailant will only be able to sadly cradle his gun, because you have destroyed his frank and beans with your vicious elbows. Chicks, dudes, and even some farm animals will totally want to bang you.

And folks, I have some wonderful news. We have a second technique to talk about.

As with the gun problem, we all know that we can be killed with violence. But there is also an expression of "Kill them with kindness." This may not seem like a literal issue, but it actually is. Have you ever found yourself trapped in a group hug? It can be terrifying, but fear not, my beautiful friend. There is hope.

You just twist as hard as you can and turn their love against them. Haha, look at those suckers who just wanted to show that they cared. Now the only thing they'll be caring for is their wounds from their vicious fall to the ground. It is the best revenge against family and friends. Afterwards, you can say something cool like, "Love hurts, motherfucker."

Do University of Phoenix Students Have Brains?

I'm not sure about you, but lately, I have been accosted about a University of Phoenix commercial that proposes that University of Phoenix students are ideal job candidates because of their online educational background. It has a very annoying song about having a brain in it, as it states that no matter what they have been through, they have brains, but, despite their best efforts, I do not feel that these people have done anything to show any bit of intelligence. In fact, I would like to rank the worst people to hire in this commercial, and trust me, it's quite a battle.

11. Life's short, talk is cheap

Okay, not sure why this guy is going to the University of Phoenix. He appears to wear suits and have his own office, so that's a pretty good sign that he's doing alright. He is wasting time at work studying for his online classes. The only logical conclusion is that this is a Kramer situation where he is just showing up to work instead of actually having a job there. He's probably able to use the internet for his assignments, so that's good hustle at least.

10. You can try to do it faster, I was born a multi-tasker

This is actually a surprise twist. The multi-tasker is not the mother who is breastfeeding and reading through Rob Gronkowski erotic fiction. It's the baby, as he is eating and getting to second base. Hey-o! Give that baby a job.

9. Got three kids, I never rest.

Okay, I really have no real beef with this lady. She's riding the bus and trying to do homework. This actually seems like a situation where an online university makes sense. Although one minor beef is that this looks like a bus with no seats.

8. Don't you want that kind of brain?

Most nondescript person in this commercial. She might be cousins with Snoop from The Wire. That's all I got.

7. I was raised against the grain

How in the hell did the University of Phoenix contact a hobo to get an online degree? This man is used to riding the rails. He's a damn vagabond. The man already has a degree in survival, I'm not sure how much his associate's is really going to help him. It also probably won't matter after he murders and eats the guy sleeping on his shoulder.

6. I'll be working while you sleep

So, people try to talk about farming being this podunk low-paying, salt of the earth occupation, but there's a lot of farmers making good money. And yeah, they wake up early, but the equipment basically drives itself. I mean, just look at the guy above. He's reading a book while taking care of his land. This is a man who was clearly tricked by the vulture sales team at University of Phoenix (I used to work at a for-profit college, and the bad stories about them tricking people into signing up are 100% true). This guy doesn't even need a job; he's just throwing money away getting a degree.

5. So my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay the mortgage.

Okay, that is a lady who is not a stable parent. She has unruly children, and she is about to lose her shit. I mean, look at those eyes. This is not a woman who should be adding any more stress to her life. On top of this, she bought a house that was beyond her financial means and needs two jobs to pay the mortgage. That is very poor planning. Even if she gets an education, her instability is a liability, and that makes her a bad hire.

4. Still don't think I have a brain?

Oh god, she's been possessed by the devil. There is no brain activity going on in that head of hers, only the works of the devil. All employers stay away.

3. I took two bullets to the chest

Okay, like I at least get what they're trying to get across with the other people in this commercial, but this guy? How is that an appealing characteristic? Random people don't get shot all that much, and I think we all know that this guy got shot by his own child because he failed to put the safety on his gun. The really sad thing is that the child did it on two separate occasions, as the guy didn't even learn after the first bullet to the chest. I thought for sure this guy would win, so it is mind-boggling that he only made it to the third dumbest person on this list. Also, why are you boxing shirtless by yourself? Put on a damn shirt you goon.

2. You think a resume's enough? We'll step up when things get tough.

This is probably the most disturbing scene of the commercial. This man is carrying his mother in a frantic situation. I'm pretty sure the building is on fire. Instead of taking her out, he carries her deep into the building to sit her in a wheelchair in the middle of an empty room. He then leaves, and gives that haunting sigh that says, "Yes, this was the right decision." I do not want to hire that person. I don't want that person to get a degree. This is a monster. Fear this man.

1. A degree is a degree. You're gonna want someone like me. But only if you have a brain.

And somehow this is still a worse person. This woman is just straight up awful for what she does to this poor guy. He just wants to go home. They give you warnings at the library to state that it's going to be closing soon, so she knew not to get deep into anything. But does she care? No. in fact, she doesn't even give the common courtesy to look at this guy who has been working and just wants to go home and see his kids before they go to bed. Letting your mother burn is one thing, but this lady has gone too far. She doesn't have a brain. Hell, she doesn't even have a heart.

What Does Jose Canseco's Missing Middle Finger Mean For His Career?

News of Jose Canseco shooting off his middle finger has the whole world in mourning. It took me a while to gather my thoughts. Jose is a very emotional person, but emotional people need logical people to balance them out, so instead of the emotional take of me cutting my own middle finger off to donate to Jose, I have decided to take the rational take.

What does this mean for Jose Canseco's career?

Baseball
We will start with the obvious in discussing his baseball career. Jose assured the world that he could still hit 40 home runs in the major leagues if he was just given a chance. Most people openly laughed at this belief, and I was laughing too; I thought that number was way too low. Turns out other people thought it was too high. This made me think that he probably had it just right. This is the easiest one to figure out. Since he would hit 40 home runs with ten fingers, but now he only has nine fingers, he would still hit 9/10 of the home runs he predicted. So a team should definitely still sign him.
Conclusion: 36 home runs.

Writing
Jose Canseco is a published author who is known for his inventive spellings and sayings on Twitter. Now that he is typing while missing a vital finger, clearly he can't be as great as he once was, but I still believe him to be great. He's been going on a tweeting spree referring to Leila as his fiance which would imply that she is a man. Blowing off a finger can only end in one way for Jose Canseco's writing future.
Conclusion: All the misspelled words.

Mixed Martial Arts
Although Canseco's record may indicate that he has fallen short in the world of fighting, don't let these stat nerds fool you. Canseco fears no man, and if you think Jose will ever stop challenging Shaq to a fight, you have another thing coming. Obviously losing a finger will make things incredibly difficult for Jose, but don't ever count him out. Nick Newell has done incredible things while missing half of his arm. Since Jose is only missing a finger, I think I know how this story ends.
Conclusion: UFC Champion

So, yeah, I think things are going to turn out a-ok for Jose. Best of luck to him on a speedy recovery.

The One Time I Held A Gun

I am not a violent person. I'm basically a giant pussy when it comes down to it. I've never been in a fight, and outside of one time, I have never had my hands on a gun, outside of the two I'm carrying around at all times (flexes, audience holds back laughter [imaginary audience, because nobody actually watches me blog]). But there was that one time that I was given a real gun and told to open fire. Here is my story.

So the beginning is going to make me sound way cooler than I actually was. I was friends with these twins in high school and their parents went out of town. If my memory serves correct, they threw a party the night before and ended up having a Culligan jug of coins stolen. So they were a little freaked out about that. They had some of their girl friends along with me and some of my buddies stay over at the house. Yeah, so girls wanted me to "stay over" at the house for "protection." Hot shit, right?

I took full advantage of the situation. While everyone hung out upstairs and socialized, I went down to the basement, turned on the Sega Genesis and played FIFA 94 for hours on end to play out a World Cup Tournament where I was at least one team in every game. So, like I said, the beginning of the story made me sound way cooler than I was.

It got to night time and a couple of the girls were hanging out in the room next to the video game room, so there was occasional conversation between us. They probably wanted me to do boy/girl stuff, but I wasn't falling for that. Besides, I was busy. I had played all day and finally gotten down to the championship between Argentina and Germany. Things were going pretty dang well.

All of a sudden, I heard a popping noise coming from upstairs. I wouldn't have thought anything of it had it not been followed by screaming by all the girls and then some yelling from my buddies. Ugh, I just started the World Cup Final, and now I have to put it on pause. The two girls in the room next to me are screaming for me to do something since they think it might be somebody shooting at the house. So I make my way upstairs to get this figured out so I can get back to important business.

The girls upstairs are frantic, and my buddies took fireplace pokers and went after the people who were outside the house. Then, one of the twins runs down with .44 Magnum (not sure if this was the actual gun, but from a quick Google search, it was something similar. Call me Mr. Gun Nut) and hands it to me to go out there and protect the house by summoning my inner Bronson and blasting everyone in sight. She hands me the gun, and I instinctively handle it like I'm getting a batch of cookies out of the oven. It takes about three seconds of holding it before I gently place it on a table, and tell her, "I don't think we're going to need to use deadly force."

By the time I got outside to...help? I guess. My friends were already heading back as they found out it was just some other guys we went to high school with who set off firecrackers by the front door. Everybody was okay.

This would seem to be a happy ending, right? You couldn't be more wrong. The girls down in the basement jumped into the video game room for safety, kicked the Genesis and froze the game. Everything that I had worked so hard for had been taken away from me. This would have been the perfect opportunity for me to turn my attention to the ladies as they were no doubt turned on by the fact that my friends jumped into danger, and I kept my calm instead of murdering innocent people. Did I take advantage? No, I pouted, because the idiots couldn't successfully jump behind a bed without throwing their foot out like a goddamned rag doll.

This may surprise you, but I didn't do real well with the ladies early on in life.

And that's the story of the one time I held a gun.

You Best Believe I Watched Christmas Bounty

When I found out there was going to be a Christmas movie with a pro wrestler in it, there was no chance I was not going to suffer through it. I don't like Christmas movies, and I don't like The Miz, but you know what they say? A double negative makes a positive, so I was pretty sure I was going to love this movie.

The movie starts with a child being kidnapped. Luckily, his teacher is a no-nonsense chick who jumps off the building onto the SUV who stops the kidnapper. It turns out it was his Dad who lost visitation rights, but the teacher is not having any of it, because it turns out she's a bounty hunter. Now I bet you're thinking that she is going to have to save children in the end of this movie, and that is why they made her an elementary teacher, but you'd be wrong. Her being an elementary teacher serves no purpose outside of her having a "normal job."

The main character's name is Tori Bell. It's like if a person from Jersey was saying terrible. 

She put a guy named Manucci put in prison when she was a teenager, because she comes from a family of white trash bounty hunters. Also, we find out that if you are a bounty hunter, you must dress like a ho fo sho to avoid suspicion. That's how they roll in Joisey.

Even worse, she has to work with her ex-boyfriend on this case who is played by The Miz. What's his character's name? Haha, so glad you asked, because his name is Mikey Muscles. The man can literally only respond to Mike or The Miz. Anything else may make his brain melt.

Back to the mission: Tori has to take out Manucci's sister, Big Donna, who has three bodyguards. Luckily one bodyguard gets distracted by mannequin breasts, another gets chloroformed, and another gets in a fight with The Miz. He obviously loses. They plant a tracking device that is the size of Zack Morris's cell phone in her purse, which she finds immediately and uses to bait them into a trap.

They get into a shootout, and my favorite moment happened. Tori yells 12 o'clock to Mikey Muscles, and he blindly shoots above his head and kills a bad guy. Nobody has ever used the clock location system to determine whether people are above or below you in the history of the world, but Mikey Muscles knew. I cannot wait to start using this new method of location.

Her Dad doesn't believe in sleeves; I just thought I should bring that up. Oh, also her brother is a nerd, mostly because he wears sleeves. We don't learn much else about him.

So you're probably wondering whether The Miz and Tori are going to get together, but she actually has a new nerd-man who proposed to her. James is a nice guy who has no idea that she is a bounty hunter. He also seems to have no idea what a shot and beer chaser is. He tries to make a joke about Cristal, but nobody gets it. Don't worry James, I laughed at it.

There is a shootout at the tree farm, and during the middle of the shootout, the boyfriend peaks his head out to say, "Hey, what's going on over here? Why you got a gun?" This is not how I would react to a shooting, but this guy is a little dense. His density gets him kidnapped. 

Big Donna's getting married. Instead of a coat check at the wedding, they have a gun check. Yep, that happened.

Then they finally catch the bad guys, so woohoo on that. Mikey Muscles is working on getting a law degree so he can become more of an adult. Then he wishes Tori the best with her new man. Tori thanks him for being mature and goes to spend time with James. They have a really nice talk until she promptly dumps poor James to get with The Miz. It didn't really make any sense. Then there was a random dance scene to tie everything together. Nothing makes sense.

Overall, this was not a good movie, but at the same time, it wasn't offensively bad. Compared to the other bad movies that I have watched in the past, this was a rather enjoyable experience. I'd give this movie 10 inch arms, obviously on a scale of 24 inch pythons.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 2

If you missed last week's rankings, you can check them out here.

This was another rough week at Stanton-Infeld as California’s favorite Dynamic Duo of law dudes again were involved in zero hot tub scenes. Not only this, but they were not even the duo with the most court room shenanigans this week, but we will get to that soon. Also, how do you have a case about a cheese gun and never show the gun made of cheese? I need a visual, people, not a description. Show, don’t tell. Thank God the guys on Suits are still owning fools. Let’s get to the only rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Harvey Specter - He is not only playing by his own rules, but he is also right all the time. Sports references? Check, as he compared a man's construction business to the Colts losing Peyton Manning. Bad puns? You bet your ass as he said, "Take it to the bank," as they were heading to the bank. He completely owned the bank lady only to have Jessica tell him to not own the bank lady so he can get business dude on their side. So he agrees to do that, but that was just so he could totally surprise business dude in their meeting by doing the exact opposite of what Jessica told him. He helped a man live the American Dream, hence he deserves to live his dream by being number one in the rankings this week.

2. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN is at it again as he is straight hiring constuction crews to erect a new office for him and giving out free gifts to everyone on staff. Although it may seem like he took a step backwards since he was number one last week, this is actually a feather in his cap as he never even made an appearance in this episode and still ranks this high (I could use a new laptop, HARDMAN, just sayin').

3. Eric Jango - Yes, he may have lost the case, but let's face it, the only reason Franklin and Bash won is the same reason that Kobe and Shaq won all those titles, because they had Rick Fox on their team, and R-Fo doesn't lose. On top of this, he got a chick's phone number in the courthouse. Most importantly, he called a dog as a witness. When Franklin and Bash called shenanigans, he dropped the dog which ran to the young lady. He out shenaniganed Franklin and Bash. 

4. Ted Rossi - Although the edge goes to Jango, Rossi provided the best line with, "Jiu jitsu is great for the core."

5. Mike Ross - Mike had a rollercoaster ride this week. He started off strong and was getting after the hot paralegal, Rachel Zane. That earns him a strong Holler for his efforts. Then he turned her down for sex. That is decidedly not Holler. He eventually broke up with her, and I cannot determine the Hollerness of that move until I see his next piece of ass.

6. Louis Litt - Louis really grew on me on this episode. He is such a scumbag, and I respect that. He is basically John Laurinaitis before he became General Manager of Raw. A total company man who has every intention to kiss ass his way to the top. If he ends every message in his dictaphone with "People Power," he will probably end up in the top three.

7. Peter Bash - When I put Bash at #3 in the inaugural rankings, I thought it would be the lowest that Peter would ever fall. This is getting sad. I very nearly put Adam DeMamp ahead of him on these rankings, but the “Franklin And Bash/Suits/Workaholics Small Courts Claim Power Rankings” just seemed like too long of a title. The only positive thing I have to say is this: American Flag Motorcycle Helmet = Ballin.

8. Paul Porter - Yes, he got totally owned, but he got a nice meal and got to play golf with Fred Couples.  And although it was never shown, I am guessing HARDMAN gave him a terrific bowtie rack.

9. Jared Franklin - At least he was taller than someone for a change. Seriously, that is all that I have to say about him for this episode. I remember when Franklin wasn't worthless. Please, God, get some ladies in the hot tub, Franklin's ranking depends on it.

10. Damien Karp - He was on a team with Pindar, and Pindar was the better lawyer. But if I can avoid putting Pindar on the list, I am going to do that. Pindar is the wost.

Dropped From Rankings:
Hanna Linden - She went from leading on a case with Karp to taking a backseat to Franklin and Bash. Also, she may have forgotten that she is trying to sabotage them.

Jessica Pearson - Trying to beat out Hardman and only alienating people in the process. Also, Harvey totally owned her despite her being his boss.

Stanton Infeld - The K spot is as believable as a girl's boobs feeling like a bag of sand. Everybody knows women can't enjoy sex. Infeld may be a 70 year old virgin.

That's all for this week.

The Five Dumbest Groups On Facebook

There are some questions that should never be asked.  One of those questions is why I thought of this post and how I found these groups.  Once you get over that question, you can then enjoy what I am going to present to you, because these groups are awe-inspiring.  To be eligible for this list, I must first have no idea how someone could come up with the concept.  After that, I have to be completely baffled on how people would actually find this group.

5.  girls get periods,pregnancy and pain & boys get food,football and females.
At first I thought this was anti-females, but it turns out that this is actually supposed to support the cause of females.  Look at their logo:

I'm baffled by this.  How is this supposed to be good for females?  And why would anyone join this group?  Yet, I look at this group and see nearly 500,000 likes for this group.  I already feel like driving my head through a wall.  Let's move on.

4.  Guns don't kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do
Um, ah, what?  I really thought that this group was dedicated to some news story that I never heard or cared about where a jealous father killed her daughter's boyfriend for fingerblasting her in the back of his Mom's Civic.  I have seen no evidence of this.  I'm pretty sure that this group was just started, because some loser started dating a girl who he thought was pretty (Due to the stupidity of this group, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that instead of describing her as pretty, I would describe her as beastly), and her Dad broke up the relationship.   Slowly but surely, this group gained momentum, and it is now over a HALF MILLION likes.  This has no basis in reality, and yet we are still over halfway to a million likes on this group.  God damnit, we are devolving as a society, and it seems to be happening at a rapid pace.

3.  ANY DICK CAN MAKE A BABY BUT IT TAKES A MAN TO BE A DADDY
Good God, is this really a necessary group to make?  I realize it's trying to be clever, but it doesn't make any logical sense.   You need balls to make a baby, as balls are a key component in making a baby.  Another key component to baby making:  A female.  I have never heard of any dick being able to produce a baby out of the blue.  The closest was the hit documentary, Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I never actually saw this movie, but I'm assuming it's comedy gold.  But it really bothers me that people actually find this group and feel it necessary to join it.  Oh well, I'm sure not that many people would feel the urge to join this group, oh fuck me, over 1.1 MILLION people like this group.

2.  ONLY JOIN if your name starts with A, C, D, F, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, S, T
More than any other group on this list, this is the one that makes me scream, "WHY?"  Why would you create this group?  What is this group's goal?  I have looked at this group, studies it, comprehended every possible meaning, and I cannot come up with any meaning to this group.  Why are the last six letters of the alphabet completely banned from this group?  I thought I had something when I started with skip a consonant, then skip a vowel, and go back and forth, but it falls apart when P, Q, and R are all skipped.  Don't try to figure out this group; it will only give you a headache.  But do you know how many people wanted to Like this headache?  Society is completely fucked as this group has nearly 1.3 MILLION likes on Facebook.  I seriously have no clue what motivates people these days. 


1.  I Believe That a Strong Relationship Is Not Based Only on Sex Life but That a Strong Relationship Builds a Strong Love Life That Leads to a Strong and Great Sex Life and Can Only Happen With Open Communication
Wow, this is truly the humdinger of all groups.  It is so ultra specific that there is no way possible for more than person to have this specific of a thought.  I mean, this specificity is literally blowing me away with its uncanny effort to be completely fucking pointless.  Looking at this group, there are two types of people that would come up with this group:
1.  A Virgin - He's never had sex and feels like he needs emotional love before he can give his flower up to someone.
2.  Guy With A Small Penis - This guy may have gotten laid, but let's just say, she wasn't impressed.  The person who created this group seems like he'd be into massively obese women, and he's just got to learn that you don't bring a paddleboat to the ocean bro.  His ultimate revenge was the creation of this group.  Nice job bud, you totally owned her.
With how ultra specific this group is, there is really no way that it isn't the least popular, but since I found it, you must figure that it must have at least 100 people in it.  It does have 100, it even has 1000, in fact, it has somehow managed to be at nearly 200,000 likes.  Maybe it's time I perform a self-lobotomy just so I am able to communicate through unintelligble sounds and drooling like the rest of society.


-Joe


P.S.  MC Vagina has a new song, it's incredibly lewd, which makes it amazing as always.  I'm still not sure if WMD or HIV is my favorite acronym: