Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Something Borrowed Wasted Two Hours Of My Life

Something Borrowed is an atrocity. I knew it would be an atrocity. I jokingly talked about seeing this movie, and my brother called my bluff and said he would pay for my ticket. Apparently, I should have taken him up on that offer since I ended up seeing it anyway.

So how did I get suckered into seeing a movie that I knew would make me want to bang my head into a wall? Well, I had the following exchange with my lady friend.
LF: There's a movie I want you to take me to.
Me: Okay, that's reasonable. Before you tell me that movie, can I pick one movie that we never see together?
LF: No.
Me: Please?
LF: No.
Me: Fine, what's the movie?
LF: Something Borrowed.
Me: God damnit.

Of all the movies she could have picked, she picked that one. At least it wasn't Transformers 3.

I honestly don't know how this movie got made. I mean, I look back at this movie, and I am fucking baffled that this shit got the green light for production. This is a romantic comedy that has absolutely none of the latter. I never smirked through this entire film. If you just looked at me throughout the movie, you would assume I was trying to hold still so a bear did not eat me. But what about the romance, you ask? Well, if treating your friends like shit so you can get laid counts as romance, yes, I guess there was a shit-ton of romance. 

The viewer literally learns nothing about these characters outside of who they like and their occupation. The characters didn't anger me as much as I simply didn't care about any of them. Had they died a fiery death, I would have been fine with that, had they found their version of happiness, I couldn't give two shits about that either. I didn't hate them; I really just wanted them to go away.

Kate Hudson looks like a stoned pig. I'm not sure if she looks more like a pig that smoked marijuana, or a pig that was pelted with rocks, but I know it's one of the two. Because of this, she cannot play the hot chick of a movie. That ship has sailed.

As bad as this script was, the acting did its best to match. The main girl in the film went to her constipation face anytime something serious was happening. I hope that she takes SuperPump 250 (Also known as SuperDump) to get her in the zone.

The rest of the acting was bad, but not noteworthy. And that's the best way to sum up this movie. It's bad, but it's so inconsequential that it's hardly noteworthy. It's not as bad as Transformers, The Dukes of Hazzard, or Valentine's Day, but at least those movies were bad enough to be remembered. The most positive thing to say about this movie is that it will fade away without anybody really remembering it at all. It's as consequential as a speck of dust on a coffee table, except that dust particle wouldn't waste two hours of your life.

-Joe

P.S. The worst part about this movie is that I missed Zack Ryder fist pumping the shit out of RAW.

Now I'll never be Broski of the Week.

P.P.S. Here's audio of Tyler Hansborough reading Chicken Little. You're welcome.

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