Thursday, October 31, 2013

Everything You Need To Know About The Movie "Syrup"

On my way back from my honeymoon, I had an 8 hour flight back to the good ol' USA. This led to me having a lot of free time, so I saw what Aer Lingus would provide for entertainment. It was awful. After watching the one episode of Dog with a Blog they had, I decided to give the movie Syrup a try. This would not be a good decision.

The movie is about marketing, so everybody comes up with names to help market themselves because before you market a product, you have to market yourself. I swear to God I am not lying about any of these names/reasoning behind these names.

First off, there is the roommate of the main character, and his brilliant name to market himself, that will blow the doors off the world, is...Pete. Pete doesn't need a great name, because Pete never says anything. Never speaks; that's his thing. Some refer to him as Sneaky Pete, but we'll get into that later.

Next is our main lady, and her name is Six. Her name is Six, because it sounds like Sex. So dudes get boners when they think of her name. When I was a horny teenager, I used to count, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, and then I would just pre my pants. It's impossible to not equate it to sex.

Another lady starts working, and her name is Three. Three is half of six, and that really pisses Six off. Apparently the smaller number is better? If I become a douchey marketing person, my name will definitely just be Decimal.

By the way, they did an excellent job of casting the ladies in this movie. Six was the main girl from Never Back Down, which was hilariously bad. And Three is the main gal from John Tucker Must Die, which was hilariously awesome. 

Why have I not brought up the main character yet? Oh, because his name is the best. And by best, I mean the worst. And by worst, I mean, I would have trouble trying to come up with a worse name that is not blatantly racist. Our main character's name is, drumroll please...Scat. Yes, Scat, like the shit porn. Because making people think of shit porn is a great way to market yourself. What really angered me is that there is one way to make it worthwhile, and they never mentioned it. "My friends call me Scat, because I'm the shit." Nope, they never used that line.

Luckily, Scat has this brilliant idea. He is got the perfect marketing campaign for an energy drink. He doesn't have a flavor or really know anything about energy drinks, but that doesn't matter. His brilliant idea? Call the drink Fukk. Yep, that's his stupid ass idea. Luckily, Six loves it, because they are apparently both mildly retarded teenagers despite being in adult bodies, so he is going to become very rich off of it.

He then has his “great” idea stolen by his roommate, Pete, because he apparently went to the copyright office before Scat thought of that idea. This leads to Pete getting hired and eventually taking Six's job...by never saying a word. Now you should understand why he is called Sneaky Pete.

Although Six gets demoted, she still has a job there, and she needs to come up with a great ad campaign. Luckily, a vending machine falls on Scat, and he suffers no injuries, but they do get a great idea for an ad campaign. They show an animation of kids having vending machines falling on them, with the tag line, "What would you do for a fukk?" Surely, it can't get worse, right? Haha, oh, it's getting way worse, because they also decided to hire a spokesperson. Now if you were going to sell sex in an ad, the woman you would hire would probably be in their 20s, right? This woman isn't in here 20s. She isn't in her 30s. She isn't in her 40s. That's right, she's in her...wait, nope, this woman is not even in her 50s. It is 62 year-old, weight rollercoaster, Kirstie Alley.
Needless to say, sales for the demographic of Grandma Fuckers went through the roof.

Unfortunately, a boy is encouraged by the ads and gets crushed by a vending machine and dies. They go to the funeral when Scat realizes that everyone who is there is an actor, and there is no dead body, because Sneaky Pete created a boy out of thin air to kill him by a vending machine to hurt Six's and Scat's ad campaign for the product that he got credit for creating. Pete says nothing and Scat gets fired, because...I don't know, maybe the heads of the company loved The Sixth Sense.

I really started to get worn down at this point, but Scat and Six join a rival firm and come up with a drink called Average Kok. It obviously becomes the biggest thing ever, and a kid really does kill himself. Scat goes on TV to talk about how awesome his ad campaign is to want someone to want a drink so badly, so he brags about the death of a child, and he's now a hero?

Without anything else happening, and I need to stress that. He goes from bragging about a child's death to a moment where Scat reveals his name as Michael to Six. Six says her name is Six, and Michael leaves her, because she is not a real person.

So why did I watch this movie? Eh, I got a half hour in, and the two females are attractive, so there’s worse things to do on a plane. Not many but still.

I really wish the plane would have had more episodes of Dog with a Blog.

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