Showing posts with label 2019. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2019. Show all posts

Monday, October 28, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Akam vs. Eric Bischoff

And so we have come to the end of the road. Shit has gotten absolutely ridiculous at this point, and that's not even including that Eric Bischoff made it to the finals. If you made it this far, I'm sorry, but here is the conclusion. 


Akam vs. Eric Bischoff
Joe: I think we both know how this final goes down. They square off, and then the music hits. Who’s that coming down the aisle? It’s Lukewarm Jonah, and he knocks both their asses out with a single punch. Mind you, not a punch for each of them, but a single punch that knocks them both out in one fell swoop. Agreed?


Jonah: Yeah I was going to assume that Akam hurt his knee on the way down and needed me to step in, but I can also knock two people out with one punch. The only fight I ever lost was against six or seven guys, so I’m pretty sure I got these two in the bag. Though in my defense, that wasn’t exactly a fight as much as it was six or seven guys surrounding and jumping me and trying to abduct me. I was good enough to avoid being put in a van, I’m good enough to take down one geriatric man. Also, there’s an article about Eric Bischoff where he talks about how rusty his karate skills are. It’s a first round knockout for Lukewarm Jonah, Best In The World, Best Brawler In The World. I celebrate by pulling a Pop Tart out of my fanny pack and eat it over Eric Bischoff’s unconscious body as his grandkids cry.


Joe: I’m...uh...yeah, I got nothing.

Jonah: Let me wrap it up for you, I think we’ve all learned an important lesson. Booking Brawl For It All can make anyone crazy. I don’t think I can actually apologize to Vince Russo, but maybe I understand a little.

Joe: Yeah, and I finally just want to put out there that Eric Bischoff would get annihilated by any of the other 15 guys in this tournament, but it’s just way more fun that he made it to the finals. I needed that on the record so I at least have a claim that I still have my sanity.



Semifinals

Monday, October 21, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Eric Bischoff vs. Chad Gable

For the first semifinals match, things got super weird, and I'm not even sure who won anymore. It was quite the rollercoaster. I would like to tell you that we keep it normal in this one, but that only lasts for a while before it somehow gets even weirder.

Joe’s #1 Eric Bischoff vs. Joe’s #3 Chad Gable
Joe: Bischoff’s extensive karate experience has helped him get this far, but now he’s got to face the wrestling of Chad Gable. According to Bischoff, he got in a ton of fights in school. Jonah, I know you love fighters, so does that make Bischoff the favorite here?

Jonah: Well I know Sin Cara has at least won some fights against large adults, I’m assuming Bischoff got beat up by kids, so the fighting level is a little different here. Gable’s going to put him on his back the entire match. Bischoff doesn’t even have a puncher’s chance because there’s no way he has knockout power. His only chance to save face is to catch Gable with an illegal kick and lose by DQ but still feel good about himself.

Joe: Apparently, you’ve never listened to Eric Bischoff’s theme song, because HE’S BACK and better than ever.

Does Chad Gable have a wrestling background? Oh, that’s cute, because so does Easy E, as he was on a traveling wrestling team in high school in Minnesota. With Akam, we know he wasn’t good enough to make the Olympics, because he tried and failed. With Bischoff, it’s impossible to know, because he never found time for it. Are we even sure that Gable is a better wrestler than Bischoff?

Jonah: I suppose not, but if Bischoff was great at wrestling he probably would have been doing that instead of delivering meat. Come to think of it, he probably would have been fighting in karate tournaments if he was good at that instead of delivering meat. Even JCVD and Joe Rogan won some actual tournaments.

Joe: Who said that Bischoff never won a karate tournament? I certainly wouldn’t say that, as I wouldn’t want those fists of fury coming flying at me. I’m sure he probably won some tournaments considering that he was a karate star on ESPN in his younger days. You can be the best at something and still quit. Do you not remember Shawn Michaels losing his smile?

Jonah: Please enlighten me on his time as a karate star on ESPN. Also Shawn Michaels lost his smile because he got jumped by 12 marines, or started a fight with one normal person. If you want to book Shawn Michaels in this tournament I will absolutely give Bischoff the win over him.

Joe: I know Bischoff has mentioned it on a podcast, but I couldn’t find anything substantial on that. There is also the well-documented time he nearly murdered two fans but showed them mercy. Still, I found something way more important from Bodyslam.net:

“That’s one of the reasons I love martial arts so much. Going to those karate tournaments were a blast. It was all about the roll tide. I had, I mean that period of my life was (clears throat) it was very influential, let’s put it that way.”

“People think only rock stars have groupies or movie stars but when you’re a pretty successful martial artist and you travel around to all these little martial arts tournaments and sometimes they’re in big cities and sometimes they’re in small ones, but it was amazing dude. I just — and that was the very first time in my life I’d ever experienced that. I wasn’t much of a ladies man in high school or even afterwards, it was you know, I’d get lucky every once and a while, that type of thing but, man all of a sudden. When you’re a black belt and you’re traveling all around the country and you’re fighting in these tournaments, they just come out of the woodwork.”

“I don’t know if it’s because they have daddy issues and wanted somebody that was a badass you know to hang with or what the deal was but it was freaky fun.”

Let the world know, Bischoff was so good at karate that it got him laid in a “freaky fun” way. So is Bischoff winning by knockout or decision?

Jonah: I’ve already established that there’s no way that Bischoff can knock anyone out. So clearly his best option is to win by points. I guess good for Bischoff for getting laid by hanging out at karate tournaments, I hope like the Rock, he kept Pop Tarts and condoms in his fanny pack.

Joe: I say that Bischoff has a different kind of freaky fun as he peppers Gable’s faces with punches. Sprawl and brawl all the way in this one.

Jonah: If Bischoff can somehow keep from going to the ground I suppose he could win.

Joe: Bischoff gonna have some freaky fun after this win.

Jonah: Freaky fun= condoms and Pop Tarts according to The Rock. And again, just to put myself over, Bischoff could probably beat me in Brawl For It All, but I would bet everything I had on myself over him in a street fight.

Joe: Alright, I’ll bite. Please give me your fighting credentials, any martial arts training, past fight record, and any other relevant details that you’d like to provide? I’ve gotten my ass handed to me by women and children before (he was a 17-year-old wrestler, so it’s not THAT embarrassing), so I think you’re going to have better toughness credentials than me.

Jonah: I am nuts Joe, get with the program. I also trained grappling for four years with my buddy who was a two time all state wrestler from Chicago and MMA at the gym that I used to rent vans to.

Joe: Put this man in Brawl For All immediately.

Semifinals

Monday, October 14, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Akam vs. Rezar

I would say that Akam vs. Rezar is the premium matchup of this entire tournament. A man with international wrestling experience taking on a former MMA fighter, these two have some pretty impressive credentials. With that being said, this one goes so far off the rails that the train turned a hot air balloon.

Jonah’s #1 Akam vs. Joe’s #2 Rezar
Jonah: Rezar is an MMA fighter, Akam is a wrestler, in an MMA fight Rezar could win, but the specific rules of Brawl For It All Akam spams takedowns and wins on points. There’s no BJJ or anything in Brawl For It All, so there’s no danger for Akam when he takes him to the ground.

Joe: Jonah, you know I love wrestlers. Unfortunately, I think you’re overestimating Akam’s wrestling prowess. All I can find out is that he lost in a qualification tournament for the Olympics; I’m not even sure if it was the finals, and it was against a guy from the United States who was well past his prime.

On top of that, Akam is a Greco-Roman Wrestler, not a Freestyle guy. Greco is upper body locks and turning downed opponents. The latter is completely useless, and the former is really freaking hard considering Greco guys depend on locking their hands to gain leverage on opponents and he’s going to be wearing boxing gloves during this.

Now I’m sure that Akam has some leg takedowns, but that’s clearly not his strongsuit, and Rezar should have enough wrestling experience through MMA that he will be able to stay on his feet. Also, it’s way easier to avoid takedowns in rings than it is in cages with the help of the ropes. Rezar gonna light his partner up.

Jonah: I disagree, I’m sure Rezar has some MMA wrestling skills, but that’s nothing compared to having a really strong wrestling background. That’s why wrestlers take down MMA guys all the time. Takedowns aren’t that hard in a ring, and I don’t think you can grab the ropes in Brawl For It All, I mean Pride fights still went to the ground all the time.

Joe: It’s pretty easy to “accidentally” hook one arm around the rope while you pound a guy in the head that’s going for a takedown, and you didn’t even address the biggest issue.

Akam is no doubt a better wrestler, but wearing boxing gloves and trying to take down somebody with any wrestling experience is pretty difficult. And considering he’s a Greco guy who are totally dependent on gripping somebody for upper body throws, that would have zero chance of happening with boxing gloves on.

On top of that, you’re overestimating his wrestling skills. He’s a Canadian wrestler. Canadians are not good at wrestling. If he would have wrestled folkstyle at US College, there’s a good chance that he never would have been an All-American.

But please, let’s first address how in the hell he’s getting a takedown with boxing gloves on.

Jonah: I guess I have a question about everyone of your fighters you said would win due to takedowns, are those all invalid now? Because if we’re assuming they can score takedowns with boxing gloves then Akam can too. Also, Steve Blackman scored approximately 700 takedowns with boxing gloves on in his original Brawl For It All fight.

Joe: Those previous matchups didn’t involve going up against people with wrestling experience. With Rezar’s MMA background, he has trained a ton of defensive wrestling and also will be throwing uppercuts galore if Akam tries to shoot in. In previous matchups, it was a wrestler taking on a total non-wrestler. My wrestling background is junior high wrestling for a couple years and some MMA wrestling and when I went against somebody with little to no wrestling experience, I felt like Brock Lesnar as I could take them down at will.

So any way that Akam is getting those takedowns?

Jonah: Though you discount Canada as a whole, Olympic level wrestling is a whole different animal. Kurt Angle took down Brock Lesnar, and while it wasn’t some one sided affair, Angle is a better wrestler than Lesnar even with Lesnar’s crazy size advantage and the fact that Lesnar was an NCAA champion. If two good wrestlers go up against each other someone is better, and in this case it’s the Olympic wrestler going up against the guy who’s an MMA fighter.

Joe: Jonah, although I think it is hilarious that you are trying to explain wrestling to me, I’m going to have to shut you down since this is truly an impressive feat to fit that much misinformation in one tiny paragraph.

I must have missed the part where Akam made the Olympics.
Olympians and Gold Medalists are FAR DIFFERENT animals.
I want to reiterate that Akam never made that much lower bar, because Canada sucks at wrestling.
Also, Greco guys are just wrestlers who couldn’t make it in Freestyle, making Akam look even worse.
This is not a wrestling match.
I need to ask this question: Have you ever seen a wrestling match? I don’t want to go too deep, but just the stance of wrestlers wouldn’t work when punches are being thrown so it really changes the game.
Kurt Angle took down Brock Lesnar when they were wrestling against each other. If someone is not trying to score their own takedowns, it’s a whole lot easier to shut down your opponent’s offense.
Did you forget that Akam is wearing boxing gloves?

Are you ready to concede victory yet?

Jonah: Nope, Akam is a stud. Blackman succeeded in takedowns when ex Golden Gloves boxer Marc Mero was throwing punches with boxing gloves on, takedowns aren’t this crazy thing that can never happen. It’s not a wrestling match, but takedowns count for a lot of points, takedowns win Brawl For It All fights. GSP is from Canada and is the world’s greatest wrestler making celebrated college wrestlers look like chumps. Rezar is also Dutch, have I missed the great influx of Dutch wrestlers in the world? I’m pretty sure Lesnar was trying to take down Angle as well, and if Olympic wrestling actually paid, Lesnar could have at the very least qualified for the Olympics. Besides we need one of each of our guys in the finals.

Joe: Jonah, I’m not sure what point you are trying to make, but I need to address that you are out of your mind thinking that Lesnar could have made the Olympics. Lesnar won the NCAA Title during an extremely weak time for college heavyweights. He would have been slaughtered at the Olympic trials.

And the reason Blackman could get takedowns is he was shooting on someone who had zero wrestling experience which is why wrestlers have made it this far. And I’m not saying Rezar is a great wrestler; he’d probably never get a takedown on Akam, but getting takedowns and stopping takedowns is a far different beast.

There is no logical way to explain how Akam could beat Rezar, but if you need someone in the finals, I guess Rezar passes out from laughing so hard when Akam tries to throw him with boxing gloves on and Akam wins by TKO?

Jonah: OK how about this, almost all of Rezar’s MMA wins are by submission and his losses are by TKO, he takes punches in bunches and only knows how to submit dudes. Akam just drops him and knocks him out. In all honesty it doesn’t matter who wins, I guess Rezar can probably stuff Akam’s takedowns, so it’s two big hosses throwing hands. It’s what people actually want to see out of Brawl For It All. If you feel very strongly about Rezar winning he can win.

Joe: I just watched two of his fights, and the one he lost by TKO was all built on ground and pound. The won he got a guillotine choke was set up because he absolutely destroyed his opponent on his feet. If it comes down to a brawl, I would probably favor the guy who knows how to box as opposed to the guy who doesn’t know how to box. I think Rezar would make this far more boring than you would like as there’s really no reason to throw anything but a jab and the occasional uppercut in this fight. Still, as far as I know, tickling is not explicitly banned in Brawl for All, and as Rezar’s tag partner, Akam probably knows all of most effective use of a tickle touch to win by TKO (Tickling Kaput Opponent).

Jonah: Research is research, I already told you that you can choose who wins, but as I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, you would have chose Dr. Death to win the entire Brawl For It All against Steve Blackman in the finals, Blackman got hurt in the first round and Dr. Death, lost in the NCAA finals to an Olympian.four time All American wrestler and all around tough guy, got knocked out by super random guy Bart Gunn. And if we’re really going to be dicks about it, you’re recent and past MMA fight picks haven’t worked out well for you. What “should” happen doesn’t always happen in fights. I’m short, fat and physically damaged, and I guarantee I would beat at least a quarter of the people you train with in a fight based purely on insanity and coming into fights injured and being very comfortable in that state. Just to put myself over, being crazy and in constant pain makes me far more dangerous than a lot people who have real training.

Joe: Haha, Jonah, you don’t have to worry about offending me because I picked a fight wrong. I mean, Ben Askren was controlling that fight early on, but then he got hit with that knee three seconds into the fight, and it went downhill from there. If that fight goes six seconds, Askren wins easily.

You really threw me for a loop on this one as I feel like things got a tad off the rails. I’m not sure to pick Akam, Rezar, or Jonah, but let’s just have Akam advance.

Monday, October 7, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Sin Cara vs. Chad Gable

We now have reached our final quarterfinal matchup, and this is likely the most interesting matchup of the entire round. A backstage tough guy taking on a former Olympic Wrestler. I mean, it doesn't get much better than this.


Jonah’s #2 Sin Cara vs. Joe’s #3 Chad Gable
Jonah: Gable is a takedown machine, Sin Cara is an ass kicking machine. It’s a battle of machines. Cara just knows how to fight, Gable knows how to wrestle. How is Gable going to react when he gets popped in the face? Who knows.


Joe: Well, I highly doubt that Gable does get punched in the face cleanly. The reason MMA is difficult to get takedowns is because of kicks and knees. You really don’t want to go shooting into somebody’s legs if they are launching a knee towards your face. If somebody isn’t threatening with their legs, it’s pretty easy to go on an ankle pick party without any risk of being hit with a decent punch. Sin Cara can wing his haymakers all he wants, Gable is just doing to duck under and put him on his ass over and over again.


Jonah: Sin Cara is from the Bas Rutten school of fighting, the streets. He’s a honey badger. Gable is a wrestling stud, but again, you underestimate fighting and overestimate technical skill. Should Gable just take him down at will? Sure, but you don’t keep getting into fights and winning at his size without knowing what you’re going.


Joe: If you have no wrestling background and are facing someone with world class wrestling skills, it does not matter how badly you want to fight and how tough you are, because you are going to get dumped on your ass over and over again. For evidence, let’s check out former Cornell All-American, Dylan Palacio’s YouTube page. 


You can be big, strong, fast, tough, or all of the above, but if you haven’t put the work in on a technical level, the technician is going to whoop that ass. His name may mean without a face, but his only hope is to save face after he learns that he’s not ready, willing, or Gable for Brawl For All.


Jonah: KJ Noons vs. Krazy Horse, GSP vs, Matt Serra, a lot of other fights that I can’t think of  where the technician lost. I know you really love wrestlers and 60 year old karate guys, but Sin Cara’s a fighter. I guess Gable should win, but you really do underestimate being a fighter and overestimate being a geriatric guy in a gi.


Joe: I’m honestly not sure who you would consider the technicians in those fights. Noons was more well-trained in boxing, but Krazy Horse had way more MMA training, even if he did have a wacky personality. And although GSP was great, a lot of that was based on athleticism and wrestling. GSP was better all-around, but at least at that time, Serra was the more technically sound fighter in both boxing and jiu jitsu. 


How is Sin Cara a fighter? Like, what is his fighting background? As far as I can tell, he has none, so him beating Chad Gable would be like Kimbo Slice (even the still alive version) beating Daniel Cormier. You could give him 1,000,000 chances, and it would never happen.


Jonah: Sin Cara is a fighter just like the sky is blue, he just is. And Matt Serra knocked out GSP, the world’s greatest wrestler. GSP could outwrestle everyone and he still got caught by a punch. It happens. Gable can win, but a reckoning is coming for some of your fighters soon.


Joe: Calling a Canadian the world’s greatest wrestler is probably the most offensive thing you have ever said as Canada SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS in wrestling, but I guess we can discuss that during the semifinals which are now set. Next time, we’ll tackle the matchup of the big boys as the Authors of Pain square off to see which one can make it to the finals.



Quarterfinals

Monday, September 23, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Rezar vs. Heath Slater

Round two continues with yet another man who is a wordsmith when it comes to discomfort taking on a good ol' boy with kids.


Joe’s #2 Rezar vs. Jonah’s #3 Heath Slater
Joe: I feel pretty comfortable in Rezar’s chances of taking out Heath Slater. I know Slater has boxing experience, but he won Golden Gloves in West Virginia, so I’m guessing he didn’t have a sober opponent until at least the semifinals, and even in the finals, I doubt his opponent was literate. What I’m saying is that I’m not buying too much into his boxing credentials. They’re better than nothing, but considering Rezar has professional fights on his record, I don’t think he’s going to have much issue with the One Man Band. What are your thoughts?


Jonah: Since when does being literate make you a good fighter? There’s plenty of boxers and MMA fighters who can’t read this article but can murder people with their fists. I do believe that Rezar is the favorite in this fight, but Slater’s no chump. He could stick and move and pull off an upset. Rezar’s the favorite but so was Dr. Death and we all know how that turned out.


Joe: Well, it is true that Floyd Mayweather can’t read, but it’s also true that West Virginia is not known for their acceptance of science, so I have to assume this includes the sweet science. Rezar knows every aspect of fighting and was good enough to do it on a professional level. Golden Gloves sounds nice, and it’s certainly better than nothing, but Rezar can win this with his hands or with takedowns as he’s simply going to overwhelm Slater in this matchup.


Jonah: Health Slater is Bart Gunn and he’s ready to swing for the fences. Should Rezar win? Yeah, better takedowns, and possibly better hands. I mean I can’t really argue that Rezar is a better all around fighter, but things get weird in shoot fighting. There are crazy upsets in the UFC, so having some weird upsets in pretty amateur wrestling and boxing shoot fights isn’t unheard of.


Joe: There are upsets in the UFC, but Heath Slater beating Rezar would like me beating up a Bellator fighter. I love me some me, but my only hope is to run away from them long enough to die of exhaustion. Not a strategy that Slater will be able to deploy in a three-minute fight. So yeah, Rezar puts a beating on Heath, and he does it in front of all of his kids.


Jonah: That strategy would work against at least two Bellator fighters that I can think of off the top of my head, so maybe not the best analogy. Rezar should win and does, but old Slater slips a few punches in.

Quarterfinals

Monday, September 16, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Akam vs. Shelton Benjamin

Finally, we have made it to the second round where only eight men are still standing. This is a sad one for me as Jonah has both of the guys in this first matchup, and to make matters worse, it's two guys with strong amateur wrestling backgrounds. But it's time to see who will be the first guy to qualify for the semifinals. 


Jonah’s #1 Akam vs. Jonah’s #5 Shelton Benjamin
Jonah: Well this is a pretty good matchup, but Akam has to be the favorite. Benjamin is a hell of a wrestler, but so is Akam. Akam is also younger and bigger. This is kind of like the last round had Jason Jordan been healthy. I think Shelton can hold his own, but Akam is just too good, big and young for Shelton to handle.


Joe: I think Shelton Benjamin is a dangerous matchup for anybody. Yes, he’s older, but he was such a freak of an athlete that he is still more agile that most of the WWE roster. I certainly don’t think Akam has nearly enough to get a takedown on Shelton, so then it’s a matchup of boxing between two guys that don’t appear to have any skills in boxing. Is it really crazy to think Shelton could use his speed to outpunch Akam in this matchup?


Jonah: Look these guys are both my picks so I like both of them, but Akam was a prospect for the 2016 Olympics before he decided to go the pro wrestling route. Shelton Benjamin is awesome, and I love Minnesota, but I would give the wrestling edge to Akam in this matchup. Benjamin is probably a better pure athlete, he’s a freak. I think it’s a really good fight, but I’m still pretty confident Akam wins with wrestling. 


Joe: I don’t think there is a chance in hell that Akam could take down Shelton Benjamin while wearing boxing gloves. But I can’t really say who has the better hands in the fight either. Since these are both your guys, I will defer to you and have Akam move onto the semifinals.


Tuesday, September 3, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Chad Gable vs. Titus O'Neil

Today, we move on to another fascinating matchup where a former football player comes in with a size advantage, but as Marcus Stroman has taught us, Height Don't Measure Heart, especially when the smaller man has an Olympic Wrestling background.

Joe’s #3 Chad Gable vs. Jonah’s #6 Titus O’Neil
Joe: This is going to be a takedown clinic, and although Titus O’Neil in his physical prime may have had enough athleticism to make this interesting, at this point, Gable is going to maul his way to the inside and continually score points by putting him to his back.


Jonah: Titus is constantly referred to as one of the strongest people in the WWE. He’s a huge guy and played high level college football so his athleticism is no joke. Unfortunately, Joe is right, and Gable is a takedown machine. I doubt Titus would be able to stop them effectively, so he’s got a puncher’s chance and that’s pretty much it. If he does connect though, it’s going to hurt like hell.


Joe: Yeah, I don’t equate strength with powerful punches. I’m probably as strong as Gennady Golovkin, but that dude could knock somebody’s head off, and it would take a small miracle for me to knock someone out with one punch. I think even the threat of the one punch knockout is overestimated here, and yeah, this is just a really bad matchup for Titus, so unless you have anything to add, we can make this quick and move Chad Gable to the quarterfinals.


Jonah: I will agree that Gable should win due to takedowns, but Titus is huge and athletic, I wouldn’t want to get punched by him.


Joe: I mean, I wouldn’t want to get punched by anybody. I have a five-month-old, and if he gets his knuckles across my face right, it is not a pleasant experience. I will assume that Titus punches about that hard, which will not be enough to stop the takedown machine, Chad Gable.


Jonah: Gable wins on takedowns, but you probably shouldn’t pick a fight with Titus O Neil anytime soon.

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Bo Dallas vs. Mojo Rawley

The first round continues with two big boys who know how to hit hard. Today, we settle whether it is more important to stay hyped or to bolieve in one's self.

Jonah’s #4 Bo Dallas vs. Joe’s #5 Mojo Rawley
Jonah: This is a fun matchup. I would have taken Mojo in the next round, he’s a big guy who has the football background for athleticism. You have to assume this would make him able to at least throw some good punches. Bo Dallas is a lot tougher than his booking would have you bolieve. He’s a big guy who doesn’t have show muscles, but is very strong. He also was back wrestling four months after suffering a lacerated kidney, he’s tough as nails. Mojo has the size and athleticism, but I think Dallas could withstand an early flurry and let Mojo gas himself out to win.


Joe: Uh, Jonah, apparently you’ve forgotten that Mojo Rawley does not get hyped. He STAYS hyped. You’d have better luck gassing out a Tesla. But I do think this is a bad matchup for Bo and a pretty good shot at the upset for Rawley. He’s bigger and a better athlete. Bo does have an amateur wrestling background, but he only qualified for state, in Florida, which ain’t exactly a hotbed for talent. Meanwhile, Mojo was getting D-I scholarship offers and punting balls 76 yards. And with Mojo’s personality, he has definitely gotten in some wild brawls in his day. I just think Mojo brings a little too much fire and fury for Bo to handle.


Jonah: I don’t know, I think Mojo’s hype meter has gone away since he’s a heel now and he trains with football player Jay Cutler. Bo’s a tough son of a gun, and if the fight is close he can always turn off the lights using Wyatt Family powers.


Joe: Why is Bo Dallas tough? Also, as far as I can tell, Bo Dallas has no affiliation with the Wyatt Family. He didn’t even wrestle against them in NXT. Where is this strange statement coming from? If he doesn’t have that, I don’t think he’s going to overcome the significant size and athleticism advantage that Mojo has.


Jonah: Bo Dallas is tough because he pretty much no sold a lacerated kidney. He came back in John Cena time from a serious injury. Mojo might also tire himself out between rounds with his constant thrusting. I honestly think this is pretty much a coin flip that could go either way, so you can choose. Also, Dallas has Wyatt powers and IRS powers.


Joe: Well, I decided to see how impressive it was for Bo Dallas to recover from a lacerated kidney in four months, and it turns out that it’s not impressive at all. The expected recovery time is six weeks, it takes him about three times as long to recover from something as an average human being. With that argument out of the way, Mojo hypes his way to the second round of this tournament through sheer volume of punches.


Jonah: Uggghhh fine, but I want it in the rules that Mojo has to thrust between rounds.

Monday, August 19, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Eric Bischoff vs. Oney Lorcan

Guys, I have been waiting four weeks to reveal my first pick, and I am so excited to do so. Let's get to it.

Joe’s #1 Eric Bischoff vs. Jonah’s #8 Oney Lorcan
Joe: Jonah clearly messed up by not taking the baddest man in the WWE and going with a big bad wrestler instead of a man who could kick somebody’s head off their shoulders. That’s right, with my first pick, I took Eric Bischoff, who Jonah did dispute for a while but allowed it since he is with Smackdown and not involved in any real storyline. This tournament was made for Bischoff as he would easily kick Lorcan’s head right off his shoulders. 


I mean, do I really need to say more, or can I stretch out his accolades until he needs them in round two?


Jonah: So slight problem here Joe, kicks aren’t allowed in Brawl For It All. If they were Steve Blackman would have won the first tournament with a total match time of 15 seconds instead of injuring himself. Bischoff is a legitimate martial artist so his striking is probably above average and surprisingly good for a guy who has portrayed a GM and an announcer. For fun’s sake I’d like to just give Bischoff a pass to get destroyed in the second round, but if we’re trying to do this semi realistically, I think legitimate tough guy Oney Lorcan would certainly give Bischoff a run for his money. There’s also the problem where I don’t know if Bischoff is good at the type of karate that looks cool but doesn’t do much in a real fight and the fact that he’s in his 60’s.


Joe: Jonah, Eric Bischoff is a little like Cro Cop. Where Cro Cop had a left leg and right leg, for Bischoff, it’s, “Punches, Hospital...Kicks, Morgue.” Thank God kicks aren’t allowed, because I really like Oney Lorcan, and I’m sure his family does too. 


And don’t discount karate, Bischoff is basically a rich man’s Lyoto Machida when it comes to the martial art. Bischoff may be a bit older, but I think he can use his guile to land quick strikes without taking damage.


Jonah: If he gets too cocky Lorcan definitely seems like the kind of guy who would take advantage of that and murder him.


Joe: The Oney way Lorcan wins is if he brings a gun. As far as I can tell, those are banned which makes Bischoff the easy winner, and in my eyes, the absolute favorite to win the whole thing.


Jonah: For pure insanity’s sake, sure Bischoff wins via points. He also runs out of the ring after the fight before Oney grabs him and murders him.