Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - The Other Time

Last week's Suits set up quite a few complications. Unfortunately, all of those complications will have to wait a week, as it's a flashback episode this week. What were these cool cats like in their younger years? I was hoping for two things: 1. A ton of HARDMAN and 2. Harvey wearing adult braces. I would have settled for one, but, instead I got neither. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto fun from the past, including multiple Harvey rankings:

1. Past Harvey Specter - Just want high-fives and Cameron's scotch. He also skirts the law, but he won't break it. He will break himself off a piece of Donna though, hey-o!

2. Cameron Dennis - Back in the day, he did a shitty Sean Connery impression, and tried to break the law, since he's all about putting bad guys behind bars. He's still a shady prosecutor, but my sources tell me that his Sean Connery impression is on point. He got his fake witness to become real thanks to Stephen Huntley. Somebody's gettin' a mustache ride tonight.

3. Stephen Huntley - Just stopping in to say hello, or as the British say, "Jolly day, you fine ol' chum." He also tries to convince Mike to tell Harvey to take the deal, but this is just because he has been secretly plotting against Harvey the entire time and gives Cameron the witness that he needed. It is a total dick move, but he's getting his while screwing over Harvey, so props are deserved. Why does he hate Harvey? Jealousy, but it's not professional, it's personal. Trust me on this one.

4. Frat McBro - Set up Mike and Trevor. Mike hated him for being a bully, but Frat McBro hated Mike for being a know-it-all. He takes all of their money, and his bros have his back. They are gonna pound so many Mountain Dews and Doritos with that money. EXTREME!

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey has his name on the wall, which is pretty boss. He spends most of his day just staring at his name on the wall, which is a little pathetic. Act like you've been there before. He also won't listen to Huntley about anything, because Stephen is banging his secretary. He has thought he has won the Ava Hessington case about 15 times now, and he still hasn't learned that new evidence is always popping up out of nowhere. Act like you've been there before.

6. Past Donna Paulsen - Donna used to know everything about everything. She is trying to convince Harvey to not go along with Cameron's shady dealings. She also bought whipped cream to seduce Harvey and get their freak on. Donna wanted to get Harvey as a lover, but she got him as a boss.

7. Mr. Specter - Just hitting balls at the park with his pitching machine. But even with those baseball skills, his wife still cheated on him. Hitting balls a the park with a pitching machine is a pretty boss thing to do. Drinking while doing it is goddamn fantastic, but thinking about how your ex-wife cheated on you brings a level of sadness to the whole day. Still, he uses his past mistakes to teach Harvey a valuable lesson and pounds a few beers in the process. That's not too bad in my book.

8. Bertha - Did Bertha become her name after she got big, or was she destined to be big when her parents named her Bertha? A true philosophical question. Anyway, she's the sassy black woman that all offices could use a little more of.

9. Mikado - Sleeping in the bed with Louis. Doesn't love Louis nearly as much as he loves him.

10. Trevor Evans - Has a trustworthy weed dealer that lets him take $1000 worth of weed on consignment. He also sold Mike's answers to a test and got Mike expelled. But hey, he got to stay in school, so he's all good.

11. Rachel Zane - Going to Stanford, because there are no law schools in the northeast outside of Harvard.

12. Blowjob Redhead - Making out with random dudes, because Mike wasn't able to close the deal.

13. Louis Marlo Litt - Everything was coming up Louis in the present with his new best friend and freshly whitened teeth until he saw Harvey's name on the wall. Everything was coming up Louis in the past until he found out Harvey had not only taken a job at the firm, but that he got his own secretary despite being a lowly associate. At least he has the ability to take days off when he needs it.

14. Omar - Loves the Dallas Cowboys and movie quotes. He is also trustworthy, and that's an admirable characteristic.

15. Grandma Ross - She watches Law & Order, so she knows her shit. Gives Mike terrible advice that costs him his chance at going to Harvard.

16. Past Mike Ross - Loves smoking weed and actually got into Harvard on his own merit. Unfortunately, his answers got sold to the Dean's daughter, so the Dean sticks it to him in his final power move. Also, how old are these guys during this time period? I just realized that I have no idea if they were in high school or undergrad. They weren't old enough to drink, but they hung around fraternities. Was Mike graduating ridiculously early? No, because Trevor was going to graduate at the same time. Maybe he had a late birthday and he got bumped up a year. I don't know how old you are, Past Mike. This is really going to bother me.

17. Dean PowerMoves - His daughter is a 4, but his power moves are a 10. Still lost his job.

18. Jessica Pearson - Jessica took down partners in the past, and it screwed her over in the present. Harvey tries to take back his deal, but Jessica is pissed, so they probably won't be buddying up anytime soon.

19. Marcus - Harvey's brother. He's not around, so everybody can talk shit about him. Poor Marcus.

20. The Ugly Daughter - Got her Dad fired and when she posted her picture to Hot Or Not, she only got a 4.6. There are horses who score higher than that.

1 comment:

  1. Did you know you can shorten your long urls with LinkShrink and get cash from every visitor to your short links.