Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - The Arrangement

Suits is back, ya'll. And this has me very excited. Suits is a strangely addicting show, and I have become more and more in love with it. It used to trail Franklin and Bash as the best lawyer show on TV, but it has not only surpassed it, it has now blown it out of the water (ocean water, not hot tub water). So when we last left, Pearson Hardman was merging with some British lawyer mill, Harvey was pissed, and Mike admitted to Rachel that he was a fraud, but then he started making sweet, sweet love to her (Note: It is much more effective to lie about being a lawyer than telling the truth about not being a lawyer when trying to pick up women in a bar atmosphere, but props to Mike for using a little reverse psychology).

These rankings used to be just for lawyers. Then they expanded to include one non-lawyer, and because of the success of these rankings, I will show my power by expanding again by including all people in these rankings. Let's face it, Rachel is close to being a lawyer, and Donna could be one if she just one day decided to pull a Mike Ross. Power to the ladies, ya'll. Now onto this week's rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey closes Deron Williams deal in the most ridiculous way ever. HE ASKED FOR TRIPLE? There is a max salary in the NBA. That means the Nets offered somewhere around $6 million, and Williams was going to take it had Harvey not stepped in to get him max money. Sadly, I will be getting into this storyline four more times before these rankings are finished. He charmed the crap out of Scotty and got her to help him out. Harvey then puts Mike into his place by teaching him about loyalty. He even has Donna basically repeat the loyalty speech just in case his voice was a few too octaves low for Mike to understand. Harvey does a lot of backhanded things to every single person around him, but damn if everybody doesn't love the guy. Harvey takes the Ava Hessington case, but only if it gets him out of his non-compete clause. Psych. He is actually using it to take over Jessica's spot as managing partner.

2. Mike Ross - Mike Ross dreams of Rachel, but it is of her exposing him. I also have dreams of Rachel, but it is usually of both of us exposing ourselves, and I am always saddened to wake from it. Mike Ross lied, cheated, and stole his way to the top, and now he's got his own fancy office. This is indisputable proof that Eddie Guerrero would have been the best lawyer ever. He framed poor Benjamin from IT, but it did get him what he wants so he could help out Harvey and win his friendship back. Still, Mike Ross came back strong and seduced Rachel while holding onto his job, so win-win for him.

3. Edward Darby - He also has 51% of Pearson Darby, and he's going to use that to overpower Jessica at every chance he gets. I am not sure whether he does the same thing in relationships, because the man has the proper base to be a very effective power bottom. He is also making a deal with Harvey where he gets Harvey's best work on a case that he cares about and really doesn't care if Harvey is Managing Partner instead of Jessica, because Darby will still have 51%.

4. Richard Jensen - One of the best District Attorneys around. He's a buddy of Harvey's since the old days and makes a good point about bonds being strong enough to survive a simple no. But he only said that, because he's trying to break Hessington's oil company to get more money for his campaign from their number one competitor. Then he puts Cameron on the case to muck up everything while he remains squeaky clean. Classic politician move.

5. Barbara L. Tottingham - Nigel Alexander Nesbitt used a fake name to destroy Louis. First he took away his pens, then his bran bars, and finally, his beloved associates. Louis deserves all of this, but damnit, if my patriotism doesn't make me automatically dislike foreigners while siding with their American counterparts. I know this is ignorant on my part, but...America, god damnit.

6. Dana Scott - She gets charmed by Harvey, but she does get a first class flight to Trinidad/Tobago out of helping him out.

7. Generic Brooklyn Nets General Manager - OFFERED DERON WILLIAMS $6 MILLION A YEAR? Prokhorov is going to have your ass on that one. Still, he would have won that deal had Jessica been handling the negotiations.

8. Rachel Zane - Keeps a very tidy apartment. She wants Mike to quit his job so he can live an honest life. Then he gives her full honesty, and she gives up the goods. She was more just a pretty little thing than a strong, young female, so that is why she is so low on this list. Still very purty, though.

9. Mark Cuban - Illegally negotiating with Deron Williams during the season. That's tampering, and David Stern is not going to be happy about this.

10. Donna Paulsen - She tricked Louis into looking like Hitler. But really, it was not a strong episode for her. Her advice to Louis ended up being terrible, and Mike just ignored her when she gave her speech about loyalty and did what he already set out to do.

11. Utah Jazz General Manager - Apparently signed Deron Williams to a contract that could be terminated in the middle of the season. He must have been counting on some sort of Mormon Honor Code.

12. Louis Marlo Litt - You forgot his last name was Marlo, didn't you? I sure didn't, and that is why he will keep that name for as long as this show continues. He both started and ended this episode looking like a fool. He opened by resembling a certain German Dictator and ended it with bran bars and pens but no associates. Not a good time to have the middle name Marlo.

13. Benjamin - Oh, Benjamin. Clearly, he has never watched an action hero movie, as he was the bad guy who revealed his evil plan before executing it, and the good guy ended up destroying him because of it. He also lost part of his sandwich.

14. Jessica Pearson - She wanted Deron Williams to take $6 million a year and thought Harvey was crazy for wanting max money. That is some awfully poor lawyering, Jessica. I'm now 95% sure that Jessica handled the Andrei Kirilenko signing. She did give a pretty good pump up speech to Mike, although mentioning going to Harvard is probably not the best thing to say to a guy who lied about going to Harvard. She then gets punked out by Mike Ross where he points out Mutually Assured Destruction to her to make sure she doesn't mess with him. Also, she might be losing her job to Harvey. Yes, sadly, she had a worse time than Benjamin.

Not Ranked:
Harold - Even though he is the best.

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