Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - I Want You To Want Me

Things are heating up over at Pearson Darby. So hot, in fact, that Edward Darby spent the entire week in England, making love to the stable boy. But hey, I got no beef with a man getting his, it just won't be enough to get him on the Suits Power Rankings. Is Harold back? Not yet, but it was still a very strong episode with sports references and a new number one. For last week's rankings, click here.

1. Mike Ross - Mike was really working hard to get a hug from Rachel. The man made up a fake dead dog. It makes me wonder what lengths this man is willing to go to for sex. I wouldn't be surprised if he hired a hobo to kill off a cousin to get some sexual healing. He helps out Louis on an Imminent Domain case but those cases are impossible to win. They tried to use Moneyball to win the case (obligatory sports reference), but Mike forgot that the A's never won the World Series, so they lose their case. But then they get the judge to open up the case for no real reason and they don't even need to go to court to win it. People on Suits never go to court to do their real lawyering. As someone with a Harvard Law t-shirt, I can vouch that this is how the big dogs do it. Oh yeah, and Mike also gets naked with Louis instead of getting naked with Rachel. So how the hell is he in the number one spot? Well, he seduced Louis, only to break his heart to get back with his love, Harvey. And on top of that, he put Rachel in her place by telling her that her opinion means nothing to him, he just wants bang bang bang.

Change Annie's name to Rachel, and you have their whole relationship.

2. Harvey Specter - Planning a coup by trying to take Jessica's spot. It looks like he's getting handled by Cameron, so Jessica helps him out on the case and tries to extend an olive branch. But he realizes that Cameron set him up so that Ava would bribe Nick. Luckily, he is going to go and convince Nick, even though they can't find him. Harvey luckily finds him in five minutes and in 30 seconds is able to convince him not to sell out Ava. Unfortunately, Cameron found him later, and reconvinced him. Still, the power team of Jessica and Harvey gets the plea settlement that they wanted. Unfortunately, Cameron works it out to have Ava plead guilty, meaning that Harvey does not get the victory. Without the victory, it seems as though there will be no coup. This was a mighty fall from last week, but he did come to his senses and bring back Mike as his protege, so the band is back together, and he can at least stay at the two spot.

3. Cameron Dennis - He sees himself as nothing more than just a fella trying to put away bad guys. He was always working three steps ahead of the game, but Harvey is always four steps ahead of the game, meaning he was still one step behind. He won the case on a technicality, but a win's a win and beating Harvey in a case, no matter how it's done, deserves credit.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Gives a moving speech about how great of friends he and the associates were. He got his own associate, and he wants Mike Ross. Louis got after a lady with four nipples. Takes Mike out to have the best steak of his life. Louis flashes Mike, so maybe instead of wanting him as his associate in the office, he wanted him to be his associate in life. He even makes some late night visits to charm him. Finally, it looks like Louis is going to get the object of his desire (as well as the number one spot on these rankings), as him and Mike like the same chick flicks, but Harvey swoops in at the last second and high-fives Mike back onto his side. He throws his cake into the trash, which is actually a wise decision, because if not, he definitely would have ate away his depression which would not make him an attractive mentor for his potential protege.

5. Rachel Zane - Constantly turns down Mike for sex at the office. Then she found out that Harvey got Mike to withhold the truth from her. She straight up goes no mercy on Donna by telling her that she has no life. That was her real power move of the episode. She loses points for the end when she gives Mike a choice on whether he wants her advice or he wants sex. Uh, yeah, not exactly a hard (no pun intended) decision. Ladies, when the option is sex or...the answer is always sex. You could save yourself time by just offering sex with no alternative.

6. Jessica Pearson - Jessica had no clue, but she was literally helping Harvey win her job by helping him on the case. Then she tries to make amends on the roof, but Harvey will still not forgive her. She did some snazzy lawyering, but with everybody working behind her back, it's hard to put her up higher on these rankings.

7. Ava Hessington - Was caught on camera giving out a bribe. Then got betrayed by her protege. She won by paying out $50 million and admitting guilt, so, um, I guess, congratulations? 

8. Donna Paulsen - Puts Rachel in her place for asking her to make Harvey love Mike again. She was all like "Helllllll Nawwwwww," and Rachel was super sad. Then she breaks the news that she didn't think that Rachel and Mike should be together. This does not make Rachel sad, this made Rachel angry, and she made Donna feel like her life was a waste, because she was an old broad with no life. That is no way to make your way to the top of the rankings.

9. Nick - Selling out Ava to save his own ass. Luckily he is easily convinced to make 180 degree turns, and Harvey turns his 180 into a 360 to put him back on Ava's side, but Cameron made him do another 180, so now he pulled off a 540. If he could do that on a dunk, it'd be impressive, but in his twisted world, he lost his sweet job where he was #2 in a company that pays out $50 million like it's spare change, so yeah, I would say he is the big loser this week. Hopefully she hires Harold to be her new #2. That man knows something about loyalty.

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