Thursday, April 3, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - Heartburn

Man, I am already having Stemple withdrawal. That guy was fantastic. I really hated him. You know who else I miss? Harold. Harold was the bomb. And HARDMAN, too. That would be one hell of a spinoff show. Oh, you were wondering about actual things happening on Suits? Well, Scotty is the best, and Harvey hasn't been number one this entire season. It's been kind of wild. But, really, the past has little to do with this episode, it's the beginning of the future, ya'll. Let's dive in.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey definitely had his swagger back. First off, he punks out Tony Giannopoulos in his own office. Then he goes back to the office to put Mike in his place in the bathroom. Yo Suits, why are there so many meetings in the bathroom? How does everybody know each other's bowel movements so well? I imagine that there are a lot of scenes like this on the cutting room floor:

(Harvey approaches Mike's cubicle. Mike is nowhere to be found)
Harvey (to himself): Shitting won't save you this time, Mike.
(Flash to bathroom door being swung open violently and Harvey appearing and seeing Mike washing his hands)
Harvey: You've really done it this time.

If I were going to write Suits fan fiction, all scenes would take place in the bathroom. Anyway, Harvey's advice is for Mike to go to a small town in Iowa, which gets extra props since I'm from Iowa and I'm just going to assume that the creators love my rankings and wanted to give me a subtle shoutout. Holla back, playaz. Finally, we find out that he got his law school paid for by Pearson Hardman, because Harvey doesn't pay for shit. Nice work, Specter. The man is finally back on top.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - Uses Michigan State of Appeals to get what he wants, much like UConn used and abused Michigan State to get to the Final Four. Unfortunately, Sidwell is running into his version of Florida with copyright law. He is super bummed out as he will forever be making his salary which conservatively puts it comfortably in the seven figures, likely in the the eight figure range, and it wouldn't shock me if it was in the nine figure range. Oh, but despite getting blown out by Florida in the first half, Mike acts as his Shabazz Napier and takes them to the promised land. So, I guess we'll find out if this UConn analogy works in a couple days. But Sidwell deserves props, because he constantly looks down on lawyers as if they are preschoolers trying to make a house out of blocks. Demeaning people is America's real pastime, and this guy is USA all the way.

3. Mike Ross - Mike is always helping out the little guys, but in this case, the little guy is filthy rich and laughs at lawyers from Harvard, because it's the minor leagues in his world. Since this dude is filthy rich and getting his own company, he offers Mike a job where he doesn't even need to be a lawyer. His glass ceiling may have finally been lifted. Still, all he has is an offer for right now. Until he accepts it and the baller lifestyle that comes with it, he's just hanging out since he'll forever be an associate in the law world.

4. Dana Scott - In Chicago with a client. If that client is Michael Jordan, because she's stealing him from Harvey for him not being open and honest with her, let the record state that I would like to retroactively place her at number one forever and always.

5. Donna Paulsen - Donna was able to snag Scotty's coffee from Harvey since Scotty was out of town. That was probably her highlight from this entire season. Donna doesn't even get to have her own emotions, she just goes to the hospital to visit Louis to convey Harvey's emotions. She also helps Rachel get her college tuition, but nobody gives her credit.

6. Sheila Sass - Her boy toy had a heart attack, but she got a proposal out of the deal. Unfortunately, her boyfriend was unwilling to move to Boston. She thought it over and figured she would sacrifice and work at a second-tier law school in New York. But still, despite all her sacrifice, her man was not willing to bend on his need for children, so she's single and on the prowl. ME-OW.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had the rollercoaster of all rollercoasters in this episode, so let's break it down point by point.
1. He starts off by calling his girlfriend, "Mom."
2. He sexes said girlfriend, because today is his goddamn day.
3. He couldn't get a cab, so he had to run to his hearing.
4. He delivers a closing argument where he just compliments the jury and brings up nothing about the case.
5. He has a heart attack.
6. He proposes to Sheila.
7. He exposes his butt to the world. The world is not impressed.
8. He calls Beacon Hill "Bacon Hill" despite it being on Harvard campus, so he should definitely know that.
9. He then says that the New York law schools are just as good as Harvard, but he is at a law firm that ONLY HIRES HARVARD GRADUATES. He tried to ruin Mike for not getting through Harvard legitimately, but now he thinks it is a degree factory. Make up your mind, dude.
10. His girlfriend finally agrees to give up her job to move to New York, bringing him great joy.
11. Psych, his joy immediately turns to sadness, because there is no way that babies are coming out of Sheila's love hole.
12. He probably starts calling all women, "Mom."

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel is worried about money for tuition, but her family is filthy rich, so she could probably get cash from them. Rachel also realized she's a dummy who should probably get six figure bonuses in writing. I was pretty angry that she ended up getting the money for tuition because of Donna. I think this could have been a very valuable life lesson for Rachel. Also, maybe she could show some guts and actually ask Louis about the money.

9. Jessica Pearson - She gets punked out by her name partner and has to sign checks by herself. Still, she really doesn't want to sign a check for Rachel, because she's an idiot. I do not blame her. Still, the idiot had Donna on her side, so she decides to give her $200,000 instead of just suggesting Rachel get the money from her filthy rich parents.

10. Tony Giannopoulos - He got punked out by Harvey in his own office and then had to give a promotion to the guy he was trying to keep down throughout this whole process. Tony G was a lot more intimidating last season.


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