Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Jose Canseco Needs Money...And More Hugs

No matter what people may say about him, Jose Canseco is not a quitter.  He has taken to Twitter to do anything he can to make some money.  He's tried multiple TV ventures including a reality show about himself, a baseball show, and successfully managed to be on the cast of the upcoming season of The Apprentice.  He's also tried to give baseball lessons, play baseball, or just have people pay to hang out with him.  It seems like everything has been a massive failure for him, so does that mean he's going to give up?  Hell no.  Jose Canseco is no quitter.

JoseCanseco Trying to get financing for my baseball indoor training facility if your interested in a partnership email me at jc7264@yahoo.com
JoseCanseco I can send you a business plan
This offer happened over the weekend, and it really makes me regret drinking and having fun while partying all day.  If I wouldn't have been busy with fun, I could have asked Jose to send me his business plan, which I'm guessing he designed with MS Paint.  Some of you might be thinking that he still has this business plan, so I could still ask him for it.  But let's be real here, Jose has already forgot that he wanted to start a baseball training facility.  He's probably already writing up a business plan for someone to pay for him to hit home runs on the moon, which, I admit, would be awesome.

JoseCanseco 2 Puppies for sale
This wouldn't be that weird if it wasn't accompanied by this picture.
I'm really not sure what the deal is with that third puppy.  Which one did Jose forget about?  Is that third puppy actually still for sale?  Is there a third puppy at all, or are two of those puppies actually siamese puppies and Jose only considers them one puppy?  Is this a side effect of puppy steroids?  I don't know, but these questions will haunt me in my sleep.

JoseCanseco If I can make you feel a little better about life leave me your number and I will call you and give you a hug over the phone
This was yet another missed opportunity caused by a weekend of partying.  I was excited when Jose tweeted out his number when you were forced to pay to talk to him as I seriously considered doing it, but this was an even greater opportunity.  Tweet him your number, and he'll call you.  I have my doubts that Jose would be smart enough to block his regular number, so I could have Jose's number at my fingertips anytime I wanted to talk about badass stuff like baseball, steroids, or puppies.  Not only that, but how in the hell do you give a hug over the phone?  Jose seems confident in his abilities to do so, and I really hope to find out soon.

JoseCanseco if I give you a phone hug you must hug a total stranger and tell them to do the same and so on. Ok
Imagine hugging a total stranger.  This person will probably not be thankful for you randomly wrapping your arms around them.  Now tell them that Jose Canseco says they now have to hug a total stranger.  People following Jose's advice led to at least 15 stabbings.

JoseCanseco You don't need money to be happy ,look at the simple things they will make you smile
Says the guy selling puppies.  I think this is proof that Jose doesn't need money to be happy, Jose just needs money.

JoseCanseco I have tried to help people all my life financially ,but now I can't cause I am broke but a hug is a very powerful thing
And Jose, if you could help out just one person in this world, the person who needs help more than any other person in the world, who would that be?

JoseCanseco Everyone should send a hug to tiger woods the greatest golfer in the world
God damn Jose, you are one diluted human being.  You have somehow secluded yourself from regular human beings that you have no basis for reality.  I love it. 


P.S.  If you came up to me and said that Angelina from Jersey Shore would make a rap song, I would assume it was bad.  I mean, I would assume it was basically the worst piece of shit in the world.  I would have thought that Angelina is to rap music what Ken Shamrock is to acting.  Somehow, it is far worse than I imagined.

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