Shinesty Has The Pajamas of Your Dreams

Shinesty is at it again. Known for some sweet NFL Suit Jackets, they are expanding their repertoire just in time for the holiday season. They have an abundance of holiday sweaters and pajamas that can keep you both stylish and comfortable during these cool winter months. I would say cold, but living in Florida, cool is about as extreme as it gets down south.

I decided to go the pajamas route, and Shinesty graciously sent me the 8-bit Christmas onesie. There is so much going on with these that I feel like I need to rank my five favorite characters. 

5. Fire Breathing Dragon

Usually fire breathing dragons are pretty scary, but this guy seems like he’s up for a good time. He would definitely help you get your fireplace going if you needed it. Also, he’s even wearing a Christmas hat. Tis the season.

4. Abominable Snowman Celebrating With Christmas Tree

Let’s face it, the Abominable Snowman is definitely somebody who gets way too excited for presents and refuses to let anyone sleep in on Christmas morning. Some would say that he doesn’t understand that it is better to give than receive, but he’s just so happy when he gets to receive that I’m going to give him a pass.

3. Reindeer With Snow Diarrhea

Reindeer with Snow Diarrhea is definitely hoping that you’re not seeing that he has snow coming from his butt. If he asks, say you didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.

2. Gorilla Humping Presents

Abominable Snowman may love presents, but this Gorilla LOVES presents.

1. Hulk Hogan

I know, he’s wearing red trunks instead of the yellow that we grew accustomed to, but the big muscles, the handlebar mustache, the thinning blonde hair, that is definitely the holiday version of Hulk Ho-Ho-Hogan, and since Hulkamania was running wild through my childhood, I have to give him the top spot. 

So I have talked about the style, but I need to talk about the comfort. I’m not a big pajamas guy, but I am definitely going to be utilizing these bad boys. Down in Florida, my window is probably only a couple months, but I’m originally a Midwestern Boy, and considering how awful the weather is up there, you could use these things for six months at least to stay cozy and content during hibernation season. I also really like how there’s no footies on the end of these things. I don’t care how cold it is, I need my feet to breathe, and these jammies allow me to do that.

I also love that they have pockets built in so you can use them on the go as opposed to only being able to use them for sleep. I could go to the store in these if I needed to. If you're single, it might help you pick up chicks since they would make the subliminal connection of sleep, and then want to sleep with you. That's psychology 101.

But my favorite part of these is that they don’t just zip up, they zip all the way up.

For some reason, it took me zipping the hood all the way up before my wife noted how good the pajamas look, but a compliment is a compliment, so I'll take it. Trust me, it's much easier to seduce a lady when they don't realize how ugly you are.

4 Takeaways from the Iowa / Maryland Game

Another week, and another impressive performance from the Hawkeyes. The offense has had the chance to shine the last couple weeks, but today, it was all about the defense in a 23-0 shutout of the Maryland Terrapins. This is the type of win that Kirk Ferentz truly loves, dominance on defense, dominance in the kicking game, and less than 100 yards passing. BIG TEN FOOTBALL. Here are my four takeaways from the game.

Parker Hesse Is Always There
I know I give a tremendous amount of love to AJ Epenesa, and yes, Epenesa is, by far, the most talented guy on the defensive line, but nobody maximizes their impact quite like Parker Hesse. This is a guy who is nonstop hustle and knows how to be in the right place at the right time. He blew up Maryland's jet sweep on multiple occasions and added a sack late in the third quarter on a third down play that had Maryland converted, they may have actually had a chance to score on the Iowa defense. It's rarely flashy, but Hesse has been starting for what feels like a decade, and I am going to miss that constant next season.

Chauncey Golston Deserves Some Love
As I stated above, AJ Epenesa is the freak; Parker Hesse has started forever, and both Nelsons are massive human beings, starters, and yet somehow not related. Iowa has eight defensive linemen rotating in, and I feel like Golston is the least talked about, but damn, that dude is legit. Every game, there is a split second where I ask myself who linebacker #57 is and why he's tearing it up in an opponents' backfield, but then I realize it's Golston who makes plays every game. His stat line of three tackles with one tackle for loss isn't going to jump off the page, but watching him play in and play out is impressive. Hell, his most impressive play was stopping an outside run in the backfield, the runner was able to jump out of Golston's grasp, but the rest of the defense, led by Epenesa cleaned up the mess. Still, it was Golston that made that play happen, and even with the turnover up front, the future of the defensive line is still bright for the foreseeable future.

Kirk Ferentz Loves Field Position
Although Iowa is more dynamic and aggressive on offense, Kirk probably hasn't noticed at all. He's just staring at the flags at the top of the stadium to judge that wind. When he's not lost in those flags, the man is only thinking about punting and gaining all of the slightest edges. We all know that punting is winning, but Kirk puts his kickers and punters in the best position possible by calling timeouts at the end of the first and third quarters in order to ensure that Iowa would have the wind, and Maryland would be fighting against it in the kicking game. This man doesn't care about a seven point advantage, but a seven yard advantage? That's why Kirk Ferentz got into coaching.

Where Is The Weakness?
Iowa just keeps kicking ass. They had almost no passing game today, and it didn't matter as there were enough other parts that stepped up to make this a stress-free victory. So outside of Iowa biffing multiple punt returns, how does this team lose? The passing game has an improved Nate Stanley throwing to great tight ends and a receiving corps that seems to make incremental improvements every week. The running game looks better and better as there is are usually two running backs delivering, and the offensive line has dominated the past couple weeks. On defense, the defensive line is phenomenal, the linebackers fill the role, and Amani Hooker being able to step up in the box against spread formations really helps with the defense's versatility. At corner, nobody is challenging Julius Brents which is a pretty damn good sign that he will never see the bench again in his Iowa career, and Riley Moss has improved each week, although I think I still feel more comfortable with Hankins if he is able to get healthy.

There are only two things that could sidetrack this team, and they both revolve around the quarterback. The first is Nate Stanley dropping from nine to seven hours of sleep, so hopefully things don't get too tough on him during the second half of the semester. The second is what we saw late in the game yesterday where not one but two backup quarterbacks were put in the game with Peyton Mansell and Spencer Petras. WHO IS THE TRUE #2? Will this divide the Iowa locker room?

If Stanley sleeps and no backup quarterback peeps, this will be a season with memories we will keep.

Garage Day 2016

With the mold issue that we had at the house, we really didn't feel like staying inside and getting terribly sick. We also couldn't go far, because we needed to be there to let people in to work on the house. This led to a great compromise, Garage Day 2016. A day spent in the garage with my wife, while celebrating my dog's ninth birthday.

Since our house was full of mold, we really didn't have the option of staying in the house. We were hoping to do a beach day at the local dog friendly beach, but we had to stay at the house in case someone actually came over to work on it. This seemed like it would be a huge bummer for Casey the Dog, but Casey may have had the best birthday ever with Garage Day 2016.

Garage Day 2016 led to constant throwing of the ball for her. She could take breaks as she pleased, but we were always there waiting when she wanted to resume chasing her ball. I mean, it was either that or have conversations with my wife, so of course Casey got plenty of attention. What also helped was a mid-day rainstorm that cooled everything off for a while.

So I sat and chatted with my wife while throwing the ball for Casey. We never talk this much during the day, just because we have things to do and don't want to just sit around all day. But when forced to sit around all day, it was actually pretty nice just hanging out and conversing. I mean, it's not like I forgot, but it really reminded how well I get along with my wife where we could just chill and chat it up all day without getting bored.

Occasionally, we would take turns walking down to the community pool to take a dip and cool off. Since the community has archaic rules that do not allow pup dogs, we'd spray Casey off with the hose, which she didn't love at the time but probably appreciated being cooled off a bit. Overall, this plan lasted from about 8:00 AM - 4:00 PM. It was A LOT of garage time.

Finally, at 4:00, the amateur mold specialists that were coming in and out of our house said they were done for the day. The problem was by no means fixed, but it was at least better than before. Oh, and since we made them pull up a bunch of carpet so they could actually dry it and what was under it, we had to move our couches to the kitchen which meant that it was impossible to make a meal. So we did the only thing we could do and followed Garage Day with a good ol' fashioned brewery tour where I was the designated driver so my wife and pup could party hard.

Unfortunately, Garage Day 2016 took a toll on the old pup, and she literally just lied down to pass out by the time we made it to the second brewery (lightweight). She was so tired looking that a guy who also owns a weimaraner thought we had given her Benadryl to tire her out, but no, we just did it the old fashioned way of play all day. At that point we called it a night to head back to our mold house. Casey the Dog had a good long sleep that night, and overall, I'd say that Garage Day 2016 was a huge success.

I can't wait for 2017, this time, preferably, without the mold.

How's Your Sleep Going?

People always ask about work, why not sleep? Spend roughly the same amount of time and the stories are usually just as interesting. And since everybody asks about work, it becomes so repetitive. Once I tell a work story once, I am completely over it, because even good stories get old quick. I mean the best story from work I have had recently is going to take a piss, and when I was washing my hands, watching a guy walk into the bathroom with his lunch and just lingering around, clearly waiting for me to leave so he could eat his lunch. I don't know if he was going to go after it at the sink or take it into the stall. I don't want to know, but needless to say, I now walk across the street in order to go to the bathroom in another building. I don't want to relive that every time somebody asks about work

Meanwhile, sleeping has been way more exciting. I've been sleeping real well. I have this plan where I turn on an old episode of Raw, and Marty Jannetty instantly puts me to sleep. It's amazing. Also, last week, my wife was out of town, and my dog insisted on snuggling, but where she usually likes to kick my wife in the middle of the night, she didn't move an inch for me. Unfortunately, my wife came back and was a blanket stealer, so there is some drama in the household. 

See? There's a story of triumphant sleep, unconditional love, and drama, all in a week's time. Sleep is way more exciting than work. 

And if you think this is just a long-winded way of saying I still haven't found a full-time job? Well, you'd be right. Thanks for reading.