Getting the Same Breed of Dog Is Psychotic

Dogs are great, aren’t they? They can fill whatever role you need them to. Some can protect, some can support you emotionally, and some can just be party time goofballs. It’s amazing that everyone doesn’t have a dog, especially since there are so many great varieties of dogs out there. Labs are amazing, golden retrievers are fantastic, even corgis are off the chain. There are so many great dogs that you’d have to be an absolute psycho to get the same breed multiple times.

So, yes, I got another weimaraner.

People who own weimaraners are freaks. They have to be, because weimies are freaks. They are absolute trainwrecks that have boundless energy and need your attention at all times and at all costs. Their owners reciprocate this, and in turn, need the dog’s attention at all times, and it leads to emotional co-dependency that is so excessive that it is not healthy for it to exist in this world.

I used to make fun of these weirdos. Then I became one.

When Casey The Dog was around, I rightly claimed that I would not get another weimaraner, because it couldn’t compare, and there are so many great dogs out there that I didn’t need to get a specific breed. Also, it would remind me of Casey instead of being a clean slate with a new pup. These things are undeniable, and yet I still went against these thoughts when it was time for a new dog.

I knew I couldn’t replace Casey, but why wouldn’t I get something as close to her as possible? The short answer is because that’s a psycho maneuver like the guy who dates someone who looks just like his ex. But now that we have a ten-month-old son, a dog breed that we knew was an appealing thing to us as it’s not easy for a dog and baby to coexists. Weims are insane, but they are also gentle, loyal, and snuggly as all hell.

My wife said I could only get a dog in December if that dog was “perfect.” Otherwise, she wanted to wait until after the little guy’s birthday in February. But let’s be clear, this was just a ploy to buy her time as it’s not like she was going to agree to an “imperfect” dog. Luckily for me, I found Kimber on a rescue site based in Tallahassee. When I sent my wife the link, her response was, “Well crap. She’s kinda perfect.” Before she even responded, I reached out to try to get more information. One thing led to another and on Christmas Eve, I drove over 9 hours roundtrip to pick up Kimber and bring her back.

And she has been perfect. She’s a weim, so she’s crazy, but she’s so gentle and loving that she’s a perfect fit for our family. It was a great decision but admittedly, a total psycho move. I know, subconsciously, that I think of her as an extension of Casey. It’s impossible not to, but maybe that’s okay. I mean, I only messed up her name twice, which is way better than I expected to be doing at this point. Kimber is still her own dog, and lucky for us, she’s exactly what we needed.

I guess sometimes it works out to be a psycho.

Shinesty Has The Pajamas of Your Dreams

Shinesty is at it again. Known for some sweet NFL Suit Jackets, they are expanding their repertoire just in time for the holiday season. They have an abundance of holiday sweaters and pajamas that can keep you both stylish and comfortable during these cool winter months. I would say cold, but living in Florida, cool is about as extreme as it gets down south.

I decided to go the pajamas route, and Shinesty graciously sent me the 8-bit Christmas onesie. There is so much going on with these that I feel like I need to rank my five favorite characters. 

5. Fire Breathing Dragon

Usually fire breathing dragons are pretty scary, but this guy seems like he’s up for a good time. He would definitely help you get your fireplace going if you needed it. Also, he’s even wearing a Christmas hat. Tis the season.

4. Abominable Snowman Celebrating With Christmas Tree

Let’s face it, the Abominable Snowman is definitely somebody who gets way too excited for presents and refuses to let anyone sleep in on Christmas morning. Some would say that he doesn’t understand that it is better to give than receive, but he’s just so happy when he gets to receive that I’m going to give him a pass.

3. Reindeer With Snow Diarrhea

Reindeer with Snow Diarrhea is definitely hoping that you’re not seeing that he has snow coming from his butt. If he asks, say you didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.

2. Gorilla Humping Presents

Abominable Snowman may love presents, but this Gorilla LOVES presents.

1. Hulk Hogan

I know, he’s wearing red trunks instead of the yellow that we grew accustomed to, but the big muscles, the handlebar mustache, the thinning blonde hair, that is definitely the holiday version of Hulk Ho-Ho-Hogan, and since Hulkamania was running wild through my childhood, I have to give him the top spot. 

So I have talked about the style, but I need to talk about the comfort. I’m not a big pajamas guy, but I am definitely going to be utilizing these bad boys. Down in Florida, my window is probably only a couple months, but I’m originally a Midwestern Boy, and considering how awful the weather is up there, you could use these things for six months at least to stay cozy and content during hibernation season. I also really like how there’s no footies on the end of these things. I don’t care how cold it is, I need my feet to breathe, and these jammies allow me to do that.

I also love that they have pockets built in so you can use them on the go as opposed to only being able to use them for sleep. I could go to the store in these if I needed to. If you're single, it might help you pick up chicks since they would make the subliminal connection of sleep, and then want to sleep with you. That's psychology 101.

But my favorite part of these is that they don’t just zip up, they zip all the way up.

For some reason, it took me zipping the hood all the way up before my wife noted how good the pajamas look, but a compliment is a compliment, so I'll take it. Trust me, it's much easier to seduce a lady when they don't realize how ugly you are.

I Am Awesome With Toddlers

I am terrified of babies. They're basically the worst. I mean, the only reason people have babies is in the hope that they grow out of it and become a human. If somebody told parents that they had a permanent baby, would anybody blame them for putting that baby on a raft and floating them down the river? There's a good chance Moses's Mom was told this, panicked, and got rid of his ass.

Oh, anyway, although babies suck. They almost always do grow out of it and become humans. The first stage of this evolution is becoming a toddler. With babies, I am an awkward mess, because they are sub-human, but with toddlers, they are grown up enough to appreciate my humor while not being old enough to realize that I'm actually an idiot loser.

I learned of my skills over the holiday season as I got to hang out with a two and three-year-old. At first, I thought I would be able to ignore both of these children and play with the family dogs, but neither one was having it.

At the first house, I met the two-year-old (I had met him as a baby, but that didn't count, because he wasn't a real person yet), and right away, he could tell that I knew how to party. He immediately gave me a toy dog, instructed me that it needed to ride on a cart, and I needed to take that dog on the cart to chase him around the house as he rode his trike. Real talk, I could have chased this kid around all day and not got tired out, because he is a child, and I am a full-grown man. But having to chase him around while bent over and holding a dog on this vehicle while sliding around on hardwood floors in dress socks was a very tiring experience. I needed a damn water break, but eventually I got him to quit.

After that, we all ate some well needed lunch. For my chasing efforts, I earned some bits of chicken nuggets that I declined, because there was a 100% chance that his hands had recently been in poop. I don't know how long kids poop themselves, but I do know that they play with it well past that age, so I thanked him for the offer but stuck to my sandwich.

After that, it was time to check out what he got for Christmas. This is where toddlers struggle a bit, because they're too young for video games, although that may work in my favor, because I haven't played video games in years, so I would likely be terrible at them. Anyway, we started playing with a toy record player, and then started just taking toys out of their packaging, just so we could repack them, and then unpack them again. After the 15th time we did that, he started to get bored with it, so he started sprinting around. I sat on the floor with my legs flat in front of me, and the little guy tripped right over them. He fell pretty hard; I laughed, and he then had his new favorite game. This little fella just kept on sprinting around and tripping over my legs; he must have done it two dozen times. Much like me, toddlers are entertained by the simple things in life.

But after the little guy went for a nap, my day with toddlers was still not done.

It was time to party with a 3-year-old child, and party with him I did. I said hello to the adults, but adults are boring, so I went straight to playing, because this kid had some awesome toys. We started playing Superheroes where Spiderman teamed up with Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman to capture The Joker. He also built an alligator out of legos that was wreaking havoc all over the house as it was chomping on everyone.

But the main event was Ironman hands that glowed and made cool sound effects. I was a little jealous that I didn't get to be Ironman, but this gave me the chance to use the most fun toy of all, my imagination. I threw on a pair of sunflower glasses that were laying around and transformed into Flower Man. I even had a catchphrase, "Time to Grow," and used it every time I got up off the ground. It was pretty awesome but also exhausting as I had to throw around a child, but then pretend that he could actually take me in a fight (I could have easily taken him). I let him kill me a half dozen times to try to end the game, but he kept demanding that Flower Man come back to life. I even hid the glasses, but the little bugger found them, and we resumed fighting. Finally, I brought in the most evil villain I know, my wife, to tell us that play time was over. That way she's the bad guy, and I'm the cool guy.

Overall, I would not recommend having back-to-back play dates with toddlers as an adult. First off, because I think that setting something up like that is probably illegal, and second, it's pretty damn exhausting. Those kids got to take naps when we were done; I had to be social with other adults. Life isn't fair, but I'm not going to be a baby about it. Because babies suck, but toddlers are pretty cool.

5 Things You Need To Know About Christmas Mass

I am by no means a religious person, but I went to Christmas Mass this year. I went to a Methodist service, despite my roots being in Catholicism. Church has definitely changed since my glory days of actually attending on a regular basis, and I now have insights in to what you should expect if you are attending a Christmas, or really, any Mass.

1. The Video Packages Are Off The Chain
So I went to some fancy new-age church that had projection capabilities, and I would highly recommend this as it added a lot to the entire experience. They started with this slide show where they said all the cool stuff that Jesus did like giving us salvation and shit. Then they showed a slide that stated, "Jesus destroyed his enemies," and I'm like, "God damn, that is awesome." Then I realized I was in church, so I changed my thoughts to, "Fuck yeah, Jesus is a motherfucker you don't want to cross."

2. The Black Guy Will Sing Like An Angel
As a white person who was in small towns in the Midwest, I knew there would not be a lot of diversity at church. So, yeah, there were a whole lot of white people up in there. But you best believe that one black guy would step up in front of the entire church and deliver a solo that brought the house down. Good for that guy, not only for the impressive pipes, but to deal with a bunch of white people. White people are the worst (hence, they falsely claim a Middle Eastern Jesus as one of their own).

3. Watch Out For That Youth Pastor
Growing up in the Catholic Church, there were no such things as youth pastors. Basically, because you couldn't do chicks and had to live a life of celibacy (it's odd that so many people who pledge their celibacy end up being creeps who sexually assault children). But at these churches that don't require a creepy life of celibacy, there are youth pastors. These are not what you expect, as they look more alternative than traditional pastors. The one at this church even had gauges in his ears. It's basically a young adult emo who is preaching the word of the Lord, which makes sense, because, let's face it, Jesus was the original emo.

4. People Get Very Excited About Candles
You get a candle for when Silent Night is played near the end, and people are very excited by this. In fact, the church ran out of candles, so the preacher man made an announcement saying that more candles were on their way. People applauded. No man, woman, or child should be left without a candle. When they were finally lit, there were lit candles around, so I was a little underwhelmed, but fire is cool, I guess.

5. There Will Be Hilarious Hypotheticals
So his big sermon asked, "Would you have seen? Would you have heard?" in regards to Baby Jesus. This is fairly insane, because, only like three weird dudes came, and they gave a baby gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Dudes, it's a baby, a rattle would have sufficed. Also, this reminds me of what awful writers the Bible had, because Jesus definitely should have used these gifts later on to vanquish some enemies; that would have made for a much more compelling story.

Anyway, I got a little sidetracked there, because the pastor apparently wants to be the type of person that travels for miles to give babies weird gifts. Even weirder than that, he also asked whether he would have ears, and it's like, dude, 2000 years ago isn't so long ago that humans didn't have ears. Also, you're religious, so you're not supposed to believe in evolution anyway. Get it together, brah.

Ultimately, Christmas Mass is the best time to go to church during the year. All the cool kids are there, and they don't have time to spew any of their bullshit hate speech. So overall, it's just a really positive place where they focus on treating people with kindness. If they did that more often, I might even go twice a year.

The Most Annoying Habit For Christmas Season

As my wife, dog, and I took a 17 hour drive to visit family this Christmas season, I had a bit of time to think. Now some would use this time to contemplate life, maybe try to come up with ideas to be a better person. I mostly listened to podcasts, put together plans to ditch my wife on New Year's Eve, and came up with the most annoying habit possible for this Christmas season.

It is so simple, yet so brilliantly diabolical. Whenever somebody says anything, just respond with, "I know." You may be thinking that this is stupid and makes no sense, and you would be correct on the former but incorrect on the latter. It makes perfect sense. After somebody tells you something, you gain that knowledge. You're not saying you knew that, you're saying you now know that. Here's an example:

Random Holiday Person: Little Billy is starting to read.
Me: I know.
RHP: How'd you know that?
Me: You literally just told me.

Feel free to follow up that by looking around with a face that asks, "Who is this clown?" to really hammer your point home.

Everyone will hate you.

And isn't that what the holidays are all about?

The Only Thing I Want For Christmas Is The Hulkster Helmet

I keep looking up at that image, and I am at a loss for words. My brother notified me that this existed, and now it's all that I can think about, day and night. My wife tries telling me about her day, but I don't care about her day, I only care about this helmet.

I mean, look at that helmet. That is not the type of helmet you give to a World Champion. That is not the type of helmet you give to a functioning adult. That's the type of helmet you give to a little kid after he comes home from getting bullied the first time. You convince him that the helmet makes him look "tough," I mean, it does have a fist protruding out of the top of it.

If you ever needed proof that Hulk Hogan is the least cool person on the planet, this helmet is all you need (besides the whole racist thing; that was also very uncool). Maybe the best part is that Hulk Hogan called it his "War Bonnet," and gave Bad News Brown his first loss in WWE when he headbutted him (which, I guess is also a punch) and finished him off with the leg drop. Hulk Hogan was undefeated with his war bonnet.

So what I'm really trying to say is, this helmet is all I want for Christmas.

We Need To Talk About DJ MuscleBoy's "MuscleBells"

The holidays may be over, but there is still some brilliance trickling out from this joyous season. One of these things is DJ MuscleBoy's Christmas hit, "MuscleBells." If you're anything like me, you are sick and tired of all those tired Christmas songs about weaklings. Christmas is not a holiday for the weak; it's one for the strong, and finally DJ MuscleBoy has supplied us with our anthem.

There is a lot to take in during this video. Let's address the elephant in the room: Hot chicks. There are good looking women in this video and closeups of just about every part of their anatomy. Bravo to the director of the video. I really can't offer much more insight on that regard, but I have thoughts about many other things in this video.

Let's start at the beginning. Santa Claus is looking into the distance. For what? A child in need? A homeless shelter to bring joy to?

Oh no, he's looking for a barbell, because you bet your ass it is time to do some dead lifts.

This establishes everything for the video. Some other highlights include:

DJ MuscleBoy is really getting into the Santa character as he is handing out supps that would make even the jolly guy slightly envious. Boys, ladies, everybody gets to get a premium pump this holiday season.

There isn't much that actually has to do with a Christmas in this song, but he does drop some great one liners. Let's rank the top three.

3. "Who needs Jingle Bells when you have dumbbells?"
This is an excellent question, and I hereby announce my support the abolishment of Jingle Bells. If somebody wants to play Jingle Bells, point them to the dumbbells and improve their life for the better.

2. "Drop the bass Jesus"
This one is put as a hashtag for the song, and it seems pretty positive for Jesus. Maybe this is a religious song?

1. "Goddamn, that's a muscular Jesus...come on Jesus, pump the Goddamn weight."
So, yeah...I don't think this is a religious song. It seems that it was rather needless to use the Lord's name in vein twice, but he did it. At first, he at least compliments Jesus, but he quickly follows that up by saying that Jesus needs to give him more in the weight room. But everybody knows that Jesus was not a mass guy, he was a wiry strength guy.

That's all great, but nothing compares to him acting as Santa. He goes into a baby's room, and gives that little baby boy a present.

Yep, he just gave that baby Anabolic Freak, a testosterone/hormone stimulator. It would have been more responsible to give that baby unmarked needles and let the kid go wild. But this is not about responsibility, this is about gains, and that baby is about to be jacked to the gills.

I know that Christmas may have come and gone, but this song is great year-round. New Year's Day? More like New Year's Gains.  More like Valentine's Day? More Like MAXentine's Day. St. Patrick's Day? That one's easy, St. Lat Raise Day. The list goes on and on. So eat right, supp right, and lift everything in sight.

Alone on Christmas

The title of this post makes it seem like it will be sad, but let me be very forward, this is not a sad occasion. I am cool with being by myself on Christmas. Christmas just doesn't mean that much to me.

Now don't get me wrong, Christmas was great growing up. I basically got everything I wanted outside of one Christmas, and I cried like a baby because of it (I'm pretty sure I was like 15 or 16. God, I sucked). But even though Christmas was always great growing up, the holiday itself doesn't mean that much to me. I currently live in Florida, so the idea of going up to Iowa during the winter has zero appeal to me. I will admit that upper 70 degree weather doesn't feel like Christmas, but I'm okay with that.

It means way more to my wife, and although she likes stuff more than I do, it's not about that at all. For her, it is a huge deal for her entire family, so the holiday represents way more than Jesus, Santa, and cold weather. My family gets together when we can; her family makes every effort to get together for Christmas.

My wife has been pretty bummed, because up until about two weeks ago, she thought she was going to have to work over Christmas. Then she found out she would be able to get the time off. I told her that even though I couldn't go, she should go back home to Ohio and spend it with her family. She didn't want to leave me alone on Christmas, but I had to assure her that for me, it's like being left alone on any other day. It means that Casey the Dog and I will spend way too much time together, and I will watch a constant stream of WWE Network.

That was enough to convince her to go, and she was able to surprise her family as Saturday night she snuck in and provided them a "Christmas miracle." Thanks to technology, I'm never really alone, as she texts, Snapchats, and calls. Calls are the worst. What a cruel world where I have to pause a Sabu/Alex Wright match from Nitro circa 1995 to talk to my wife.

And I'm enjoying my freedom. For Christmas Eve, I hit the gym, did my back workout, drank a smoothie, took the dog to the park, ate some Salmon for lunch, took the dog for a little walk, and then made Steak, grilled onions and mushrooms, and mashed potatoes for dinner. In between, I alternated episodes of Monday Night Raw and Nitro. My plan for Christmas day is going to be very similar outside of a run replacing the gym, and my meals changing a bit. It is going to be a very nice day.

That all being said, I am choosing to be alone. I can completely understand how involuntary loneliness can be awful this time of the year. I don't have great advice except for to try to make the best of the situation. Have some guilt-free binge watching, cook up your favorite meal, and most importantly, get some fresh air; it's amazing how much something that simple can change an attitude.

But I'm going to go take care of the important things in life. Poop out this steak (with the bathroom door open, no big deal), go for a run, and eat even more steak. Merry Christmas to you? Merry Christmas to me!

You Best Believe I Watched Christmas Bounty

When I found out there was going to be a Christmas movie with a pro wrestler in it, there was no chance I was not going to suffer through it. I don't like Christmas movies, and I don't like The Miz, but you know what they say? A double negative makes a positive, so I was pretty sure I was going to love this movie.

The movie starts with a child being kidnapped. Luckily, his teacher is a no-nonsense chick who jumps off the building onto the SUV who stops the kidnapper. It turns out it was his Dad who lost visitation rights, but the teacher is not having any of it, because it turns out she's a bounty hunter. Now I bet you're thinking that she is going to have to save children in the end of this movie, and that is why they made her an elementary teacher, but you'd be wrong. Her being an elementary teacher serves no purpose outside of her having a "normal job."

The main character's name is Tori Bell. It's like if a person from Jersey was saying terrible. 

She put a guy named Manucci put in prison when she was a teenager, because she comes from a family of white trash bounty hunters. Also, we find out that if you are a bounty hunter, you must dress like a ho fo sho to avoid suspicion. That's how they roll in Joisey.

Even worse, she has to work with her ex-boyfriend on this case who is played by The Miz. What's his character's name? Haha, so glad you asked, because his name is Mikey Muscles. The man can literally only respond to Mike or The Miz. Anything else may make his brain melt.

Back to the mission: Tori has to take out Manucci's sister, Big Donna, who has three bodyguards. Luckily one bodyguard gets distracted by mannequin breasts, another gets chloroformed, and another gets in a fight with The Miz. He obviously loses. They plant a tracking device that is the size of Zack Morris's cell phone in her purse, which she finds immediately and uses to bait them into a trap.

They get into a shootout, and my favorite moment happened. Tori yells 12 o'clock to Mikey Muscles, and he blindly shoots above his head and kills a bad guy. Nobody has ever used the clock location system to determine whether people are above or below you in the history of the world, but Mikey Muscles knew. I cannot wait to start using this new method of location.

Her Dad doesn't believe in sleeves; I just thought I should bring that up. Oh, also her brother is a nerd, mostly because he wears sleeves. We don't learn much else about him.

So you're probably wondering whether The Miz and Tori are going to get together, but she actually has a new nerd-man who proposed to her. James is a nice guy who has no idea that she is a bounty hunter. He also seems to have no idea what a shot and beer chaser is. He tries to make a joke about Cristal, but nobody gets it. Don't worry James, I laughed at it.

There is a shootout at the tree farm, and during the middle of the shootout, the boyfriend peaks his head out to say, "Hey, what's going on over here? Why you got a gun?" This is not how I would react to a shooting, but this guy is a little dense. His density gets him kidnapped. 

Big Donna's getting married. Instead of a coat check at the wedding, they have a gun check. Yep, that happened.

Then they finally catch the bad guys, so woohoo on that. Mikey Muscles is working on getting a law degree so he can become more of an adult. Then he wishes Tori the best with her new man. Tori thanks him for being mature and goes to spend time with James. They have a really nice talk until she promptly dumps poor James to get with The Miz. It didn't really make any sense. Then there was a random dance scene to tie everything together. Nothing makes sense.

Overall, this was not a good movie, but at the same time, it wasn't offensively bad. Compared to the other bad movies that I have watched in the past, this was a rather enjoyable experience. I'd give this movie 10 inch arms, obviously on a scale of 24 inch pythons.