I Love Camp WWE

Camp WWE is an adult animated series made by WWE for WWE fans on the WWE Network. I absolutely love it. It is in the running for my favorite show on television; hell, it may be one of the greatest television shows ever made.

Now, don't get me wrong. Camp WWE is not a good show. I'm not sure if it's a bad show, but it's probably a bad show. So why do I love it? To me, this show is some sort of wonderful white noise. If I put on this show, I am asleep within five minutes. It's amazing. It has taken me a month to get through four episodes. And I remember practically nothing from the show. Little John Cena got homesick, Vince McMahon thinks Triple H is stupid, and Ric Flair tries to have sex with everything, including inanimate objects. I'm pretty sure I learned all of those things in the first episode, so I've taken nothing from the other three so far.

I always watch television to help me fall asleep. Sometimes it'll be old episodes of Parks & Recreation, which help after a while, but I usually make it through a full episode, because they're so good. With bad shows, I start hoping to fall asleep which only makes me stay awake even longer. 

I don't know what it is, but Camp WWE is just that perfect sweet spot of me wanting to pay attention while delivering nothing noteworthy to laugh me awake. To be fair, unlike a lot of WWE programming, it is not so bad that it is groan inducing, so that's commendable on its own. But the value of the sleep that this show gives me makes me love this nothing show. Like, if you asked me what will make me sadder, the end of Camp WWE or the end of Game of Thrones, I'd have to think long and hard about it, and honestly, I think Camp WWE might win. Jon Snow's great and all, but when it comes to a good night's rest, he simply can't match up with a homesick child John Cena. 

It's Time, It's Time, It's Vader Workout Time

Let me just start by saying that Vader is one of my favorite wrestlers of all-time. He was so awesome in WCW, and it always blew my mind that the WWE was never able to utilize a big strong dude who could do just about anything athletically. His physique wasn't perfect, but it didn't have to be with his wrestling style. The guy was a monster. As I was going through the years on the WWE Network, I came across his introductory vignette, and it's all pretty awesome. Take a look.

Shadow boxing? Check.
Backflips? Check.
Heavy bag work? Check.
Curls? Check.
Pullups? Check.
Military press? Check.
Power cleans? Check.
All of those things are great, but nothing is as great as this.

Yeah, that's Vader, in what appears to be his mask, a tanktop, and diaper, on a bike while he does lat raises like nobody's business. That is some next level shit right there. This dude is working out so hard that he is worried he may shit his pants. You know he didn't learn that lesson the easy way.

Some people try to work so hard they puke. Others try to work out so hard that they pass out. Both of these groups rarely reach those levels. Vader works out until he shits himself, and he reaches that point Every. Single. Time.

It truly gives Vader Bomb a whole new meaning.

How Shawn Michaels Became The Heartbreak Kid

As I go through the years of pro wrestling on WWE Network, one of the most fascinating aspects is watching how wrestlers are able to change over the years. The physical changes are obvious, but the personality changes are far more interesting. Shawn Michaels is one of the most fascinating character changes over the years. The most well-known characters that Michaels portrayed was a bland babyface as one half of The Rockers, and his portrayal as the cool guy sex symbol as The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. But in between there was a period where he was neither, as he switched from a babyface who didn't quite yet know how to be a heel.

Although throwing your tag team partner through a plate glass window is a great way to get heat, Shawn Michaels didn't yet know who his character really was beyond, "Bad guy." Everybody could see that he had way more potential than Marty Jannetty, but I'm not sure if anybody really knew where it was going. But he kept getting time, first with his interview show, The Heartbreak Hotel, but even then he was a little stiff. The most important thing that happened to him was when Macho Man left, and he was allowed to take over commentary on Raw for several weeks.

When he first started on commentary, he knew to take the heel perspective but didn't quite know how to talk it out. Vince McMahon may have been shitty at commentating wrestling matches, but he was always willing to set up his broadcast partners. Now some, like Rob Bartlett, took the ball and ran it into his own end zone, laid down, and shit his pants. But, Shawn Michaels slowly warmed up to talking during the matches. It started as the bad is good, good is bad trope that is easy and predictable, but he went from arrogant bad guy to conceited, self-absorbed, sex symbol bad guy, and the latter led to a very long shelf life.

I think that people remember Shawn Michaels as a great talker from his career, but that was never his greatest strength. I mean, it's not like you remember any great HBK lines outside of the lyrics to his song (which was written by Jimmy Hart). Where his real strength lied was in reacting to things as he was always comfortable giving the proper reactions whether it be with words or looks. Too many people in wrestling will agree with the guys on their side and disagree with the guys against them, but Michaels actually used some nuance. Him, Diesel, and Undertaker were going to tag together against Yokouzuna, Owen Hart, and British Bulldog. They had a promo together and Shawn and Diesel are keeping things lighthearted, and Undertaker takes it to a way darker place, and HBK gets a WTF look on his face, and then Undertaker finishes, and he goes into the "Yeah, what he said," reaction. It's subtle, but it makes him relatable instead of a caricature of how a person would react.

Although I still frequently listen to Sexy Boy, I'm not the biggest mark for HBK. Still, he had one of the ten most successful wrestling careers of all time, and that never would have happened had he not been given the chance to fail. He wasn't great at first, and had he not been able to refine his act subtly during commentary, he may never have caught on like he did.

WWE usually uses one wrestler to do commentary for one segment during Raw each week. Letting different guys take over an entire show and helping them find their voice may lead to some awkward moments, but it could also help WWE uncover the next great superstar. 

Oz - The Most WCW Gimmick Ever

The crown jewel of the WWE Network is all of their WCW stuff. I was a WWE kid, so the early years are all a total mystery to me, and you get to find out how great people like the Fabulous Freebirds were. Then you get into the Nitro years where things are legitimately great with the Cruiserweight division for great matches and the nWo which is basically the Michael Jordan of wrestling factions. Then the final two years are probably the most amazing of all, as it is so amazingly bad that I cannot help to enjoy it.

The one thing that I learned from the early years is that WCW was great at identifying talent but truly awful at developing that talent. They had Triple H, Scott Hall, and Kevin Nash well before they became big stars in the WWE, but they weren't able to do anything of note with those guys. Today, I want to focus on Nash who had three awful gimmicks in WCW. At first, he was one half of a tag team called the Master Blasters, then he became Oz, followed by a run as Vinnie Vegas. They were all bad, but I believe Oz had that special something that truly made it stand out awful.

Kevin Nash was a big guy who moved well, had a good look, and the ability to at least form complete sentences. To have a guy like that, you would think you could just send him out, let him dominate, and reap the profits of creating a new star. Instead, they gave him a shitty tag team and made him a Vegas Wiseguy. In between was Oz, and Oz was somehow the worst. My favorite thing, by far, is that WCW creative had a conversation that went something like this:

Executive 1: We've got this big guy with a great look and a lot of charisma, how can we capitalize?
Executive 2: Considering we already gave the guy one half of the Master Blasters, I'm not sure if we can do much better.
Executive 1: Heh heh, Master Blasters. That was a good one.
Executive 2: Yeah, it's what I call my weiner.
Executive 1: Me too (high five). But what if we went with something that was popular right now?
Executive 2: Popular now?
Executive 1: Yeah, like WWF had success with music, so what if we did television or movies?
Executive 2: Movies? I like that. The great thing about movies is that they are timeless.
Executive 1: That's a great point?
Executive 2: And therefore what was once hot shall always be hot.
Executive 1: So even something that is 62 years old is still a great idea for a wrestling gimmick.
Executive 2: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Executive 1 and 2 (simultaneously): WIZARD OF OZ GIMMICK!
Executive 1: Oh man, that is perfect.
Executive 2: It will really appeal to the new generation, and wrestling fans will really identify with a a movie that has a woman as the protagonist as we have such a large population of female viewers.
Executive 1: Yeah, the only gimmick that would be better would be a Vegas gambler, but let's keep that as our ace in the hole.

I mean, just look at this debut video from Oz. It's incredible in how ill conceived it was.

As stupid as the Great Wizard is, that isn't even near the same level of stupidity as fake gray beard. When I first watched this, I was speechless. After watching it again (and again), only one thought is going through my mind: Bring back WCW immediately.

How's Your Sleep Going?

People always ask about work, why not sleep? Spend roughly the same amount of time and the stories are usually just as interesting. And since everybody asks about work, it becomes so repetitive. Once I tell a work story once, I am completely over it, because even good stories get old quick. I mean the best story from work I have had recently is going to take a piss, and when I was washing my hands, watching a guy walk into the bathroom with his lunch and just lingering around, clearly waiting for me to leave so he could eat his lunch. I don't know if he was going to go after it at the sink or take it into the stall. I don't want to know, but needless to say, I now walk across the street in order to go to the bathroom in another building. I don't want to relive that every time somebody asks about work

Meanwhile, sleeping has been way more exciting. I've been sleeping real well. I have this plan where I turn on an old episode of Raw, and Marty Jannetty instantly puts me to sleep. It's amazing. Also, last week, my wife was out of town, and my dog insisted on snuggling, but where she usually likes to kick my wife in the middle of the night, she didn't move an inch for me. Unfortunately, my wife came back and was a blanket stealer, so there is some drama in the household. 

See? There's a story of triumphant sleep, unconditional love, and drama, all in a week's time. Sleep is way more exciting than work. 

And if you think this is just a long-winded way of saying I still haven't found a full-time job? Well, you'd be right. Thanks for reading.

Alone on Christmas

The title of this post makes it seem like it will be sad, but let me be very forward, this is not a sad occasion. I am cool with being by myself on Christmas. Christmas just doesn't mean that much to me.

Now don't get me wrong, Christmas was great growing up. I basically got everything I wanted outside of one Christmas, and I cried like a baby because of it (I'm pretty sure I was like 15 or 16. God, I sucked). But even though Christmas was always great growing up, the holiday itself doesn't mean that much to me. I currently live in Florida, so the idea of going up to Iowa during the winter has zero appeal to me. I will admit that upper 70 degree weather doesn't feel like Christmas, but I'm okay with that.

It means way more to my wife, and although she likes stuff more than I do, it's not about that at all. For her, it is a huge deal for her entire family, so the holiday represents way more than Jesus, Santa, and cold weather. My family gets together when we can; her family makes every effort to get together for Christmas.

My wife has been pretty bummed, because up until about two weeks ago, she thought she was going to have to work over Christmas. Then she found out she would be able to get the time off. I told her that even though I couldn't go, she should go back home to Ohio and spend it with her family. She didn't want to leave me alone on Christmas, but I had to assure her that for me, it's like being left alone on any other day. It means that Casey the Dog and I will spend way too much time together, and I will watch a constant stream of WWE Network.

That was enough to convince her to go, and she was able to surprise her family as Saturday night she snuck in and provided them a "Christmas miracle." Thanks to technology, I'm never really alone, as she texts, Snapchats, and calls. Calls are the worst. What a cruel world where I have to pause a Sabu/Alex Wright match from Nitro circa 1995 to talk to my wife.

And I'm enjoying my freedom. For Christmas Eve, I hit the gym, did my back workout, drank a smoothie, took the dog to the park, ate some Salmon for lunch, took the dog for a little walk, and then made Steak, grilled onions and mushrooms, and mashed potatoes for dinner. In between, I alternated episodes of Monday Night Raw and Nitro. My plan for Christmas day is going to be very similar outside of a run replacing the gym, and my meals changing a bit. It is going to be a very nice day.

That all being said, I am choosing to be alone. I can completely understand how involuntary loneliness can be awful this time of the year. I don't have great advice except for to try to make the best of the situation. Have some guilt-free binge watching, cook up your favorite meal, and most importantly, get some fresh air; it's amazing how much something that simple can change an attitude.

But I'm going to go take care of the important things in life. Poop out this steak (with the bathroom door open, no big deal), go for a run, and eat even more steak. Merry Christmas to you? Merry Christmas to me!

I Want to Hang Out with The Fabulous Freebirds

Being born in 1984, the entire 80s is a dark period for me when it comes to WCW wrestling. I either remember or have rewatched numerous times the important matches from the WWE, but that era of WCW is a pretty big dark spot in my knowledge of pro wrestling history. Watching the WWE Network has been fantastic in that I have learned so much about that era of WCW. Maybe the most important thing that I have learned is there may not be a group of pro wrestlers that I would rather hang out with than the Fabulous Freebirds.

Although their ring work would never win any awards, these guys understood that wrestling is sports entertainment as they knew how to entertain a crowd. Although purists probably consider Buddy Roberts as a true Freebird, for my money, there was no greater combination than Michael P.S. (Pure Sexy) Hayes, Terry Gordy, and Jimmy "Jam" Garvin (who was also referred to as "Gorgeous" Jimmy Garvin).

Jimmy Garvin is the happiest person on the planet. They did a promo after wrestling to a time-limit draw, and all he could do was talk about how great a draw was. He admitted that it wasn't as good as a win, but it's still pretty damn good. Also, Michael P.S. Hayes was a guy I only remember late in his career when he had lost a step (or 30), but he was pretty great in his prime. Those two guys were originators in the field of West Coast Dance as they would take turns dancing as the other one just aggressively pointed at him. It was wonderful. Then Terry Gordy was one of the ugliest people ever, but a total bruiser. He was rightfully phased out, so Garvin and Hayes could follow their true destiny and become the hard partying rock stars of wrestling.

To simplify it, the best I can do is a comparison to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I can just about guarantee that Michael Hayes used the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, Jimmy Garvin used the M.A.C. and Gordy took the scraps. I guess this makes Buddy Roberts Rickety Cricket and DDP is Schmitty.

Guys, if you're reading this, I'm near the Tampa area, and my offer stands to party. I'll supply the booze, you supply the stories, and together, we'll have one hell of a time (And if you need chicks, we can go to a strip club, just don't tell my wife). 

I Am So Excited For Wrestle War 90

The WWE Network is a magical place where you cannot watch for an hour without your mind being blown. I was watching Clash of the Champions X, and within the first hour, I saw Dr. Death Steve Williams pretending to be a doctor and performing CPR, but this was 1990, so he only pushed on the chest as mouth-to-mouth would have made him geh. Jim Cornette, for no reason whatsoever, calling Norman (a random fat wrestler who loved teddy bears) a child molestor, and finding out that Cactus Jack's last name was Manson. What does this has to do with Wrestle War 90? This also happened:
I can just about guarantee that this PPV is hot garbage, because WCW could not compare to WWF at this point, but man, this .gif:

I want my everyday to be that. Wrestle War 90. Can't wait.

The 11 Best Things About WrestleMania 30

As I stated last week, I was not super excited for this WrestleMania. My favorite wrestler was on the preshow, my favorite group was facing three old guys, and I like but don't love Daniel Bryan. To say that this Mania exceeded my expectations would be a huge understatement. It was a great show from beginning to end. At worst, I liked things, and it only went up from there. Here are my eleven favorite things about WrestleMania 30.

11. Slam City Has a Price
It is clear that the old guys do not give one shit anymore. Play with toys? Sounds awesome. Hacksaw beats Sarge, but Sarge was totally correct in that it was a fast count from Danny Davis. Ricky Steamboat goes into full embarrassing Dad mode trying to be cool, and then The Million Dollar Man buys things, because that's what he does. This was totally stupid, and I was totally fine with it.

10. Piper and Mr. T Make Up
Roddy Piper seems to legitimately hate Mr. T for missing his punch at WrestleMania 2, as he finds ways to talk shit about him any chance he gets. The fact that they shook hands and finally buried the hatchet made me happy, and typing that sentence makes me realize that I am a 29-year-old child. Also, thank you to the contributions of Paul Orndorff's mustache.

9. Divas Title Match
Putting this as the lowest match may seem like I didn't care for the match, but for a Divas match that was designed to be a total clusterfuck, it was actually pretty good. They had some good high spots, nobody really messed anything up, and Natalya didn't win, so all is well in the world. Nice job, ladies.

8. Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena
There were some good spots in this match, but the ending kind of ruined it for me. It was good, but that ending where everything works out for Cena is a little too convenient for my tastes.

7. Tag Title Match
This match was good, but that goes without saying with Cesaro in the match. It was fairly predictable; they had some fun spots, and The Usos won which made sense. Afterwards, Cesaro swung Swagger and broke up the tag team which was fairly predictable but still satisfying. I was totally fine with Cesaro going out like that, but we'll come back to him.

6. Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan
Most people were way higher on this match than I was, and I could totally justify putting it a few spots higher, but I thought they were just a little off early on in the match where nobody was quite hitting things correctly. The second half of the match was really good, but already knowing the outcome made the match less exciting, because there was no way Triple H was going to beat Daniel Bryan.

5. Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
Speaking of predictable endings...wait, what? If wrestling shocks you twice a year, it's a good year. They definitely got one out of the way, as a million people's jaws dropped when Lesnar got the three count. I really like Lesnar matches as he's so strong that it's easy to believe his offense and he still does a good job of looking vulnerable. I couldn't believe he won the match, because I, like everyone else in the world, thought they would end Taker's streak to put over some guy that could be the future of the company. Looking back, that never really made sense. The only people that get matches with Taker are already one of the biggest stars in the company. If Daniel Bryan beats Taker, does that really elevate Daniel Bryan? No, it doesn't even help him as much as winning the title, so I think the passing of the torch angle got overblown, and the WWE legitimately shocked the world. Good for them, and great on the WWE camera guys for finding a bunch of people with hilarious shocked faces.

4. Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton vs. Batista
The match itself was not fantastic, but the crowd reaction to Daniel Bryan winning the title made it a special moment. Also, I still feel bad for Randy Orton's back, because I am still cringing while thinking about him landing on that television. But the powerbomb into an RKO was an awesome spot, but seriously, clear out what is under the table guys.

3. Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Cesaro. Guys, CESARO. CESARO! I got really excited when I saw him in the Battle Royal, but I always have to remind myself that although I believe in Cesaro to do anything in the wrestling ring, it is not always logical. So I tried to temper my expectations while knowing he would at least be one of the last five guys left. When it got down to four guys, I still was sticking with my pick of Sheamus, but then when him and Del Rio went over, my hope got way too high. My hopes rose and fall as things went back and forth, but then Cesaro picked him up, and the entire crowd shot to their feet in the background as he put him over the top rope. Everybody freaked out. Everybody is now part of a worldwide Cesaro Section, and moments like that are why I watch pro wrestling as an adult, because I cheer for Cesaro like I am a 12-year-old.

2. Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold, and The Rock
Speaking of cheering like a prepubescent boy, this just made me happy. I enjoyed everything. Sure, Hogan is senile and calling the Superdome the Silverdome, and yes I found it hilarious to hear Stone Cold and The Rock make fun of him for that. But nostalgia like this will always work for me. If you put Flair out there, that might be wrestling's Mount Rushmore (arguments can be made for Andre or Vince), and that is special. Then they drank beers together and Hulk tried to sip his beer as he is old school and does not want to waste any beer. Meanwhile, Stone Cold drinks a six pack and has about nine ounces of beer. The Rock has even less, because he can't be putting those carbs in his body. There wasn't a match on the main card for the first half hour, and I didn't care one bit, because the Little Boy Joe loves these moments.

1. The Shield vs. The Old Guys
Best match on the card, BY FAR. I couldn't have imagined a better match. It was perfect. Will this be a Match of the Year? No, but that doesn't mean it wasn't perfect. From interrupting the New Age Outlaws during their stupid spiel, to coming out in scary masks, to wearing their slutty SWAT outfits, to not letting the old guys have any offense, to taking turns annihilating guys, to the triple-double powerbomb, to Reigns and Ambrose celebrating on the ropes before the ref had the chance to make the three count. Perfect.

WrestleMania turns me into a child, and I LOVE IT.

Cesaro vs. Zayn IV Was The Match Both Guys Needed

No real introduction needed. Cesaro/Zayn IV was an incredible match on NXT ArRIVAL, and you should sign up for the WWE Network to watch it. Now onto why this match was so great.

Number one, it was an awesome match. It was a far different match than their 2-out-of-3 falls match, but it was right up there in quality.

Number two, it made sense. Going into the match, I thought Zayn was probably a slight favorite in my head, because he needed this match, and Cesaro was dismissing him as he knew he was better. That's almost always a recipe for the underdog triumphing, but in this case, the underdog didn't deserve to triumph. Since they had that match, Cesaro has turned into a monster who beat the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Randy Orton, did serious damage in an Elimination Chamber, and nearly beat John Cena. Meanwhile, Sami Zayn's most notable matches are losing to Bo Dallas, barely beating Leo Kruger by rollup, and then getting beat by Adrian Neville.

Clearly, Cesaro is on the upswing, and Zayn has just been stagnating, and the match reflected that beautifully. In their last match, the offense was pretty even for both guys and Cesaro just barely edged him. In this match, Zayn got some offense, because he's still great, but Cesaro dominated the match. The perfect example of that was Zayn going for his dive through the ropes spinning DDT (which, if you haven't seen it, is just as awesome as it sounds). In the first match, he nails Cesaro with it, and it's phenomenal. Everybody is looking for that move to happen again, and Zayn is set up perfectly for it. He dives through the ropes to catch Cesaro, but instead Cesaro absolutely destroys him with a European uppercut. Right there, in that single move, it showed that Zayn is great, but Cesaro is better.

In the end, Zayn showed that he's one of the toughest guys out there when it comes to punishment, but Cesaro got to show that he was better. People who had never watched NXT before still get to see that Cesaro is on the rise and that this Sami Zayn character is super tough but not quite on the same level as the best guys on the main roster. That totally makes sense. Cesaro should win that match, and Zayn still looks great by being dynamic in the ring and tougher than nails. It wasn't as important that he lost, because a WWE crowd can get behind tough guys. Mankind was mostly known for taking insane beatings until he got over. Zayn isn't a big guy, so he's always going to be somewhat of an underdog, so if he has an insane ability to fight through pain, it's a much more important building block than a single win over Cesaro could be for him.

This is the match that both guys needed, and I loved every second of it.