The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part Two

We last left off this story right after the draft. A lot of people believe that a strong draft is the way to build a championship team. I believe that the draft is the first chapter of a long book, and I will trade my mother if I think I can get good value.

So the first thing that I did after the draft was get myself a real shortstop and got Chris Owings. I also took advantage of 3 DL spots, so I could add Derek Holland and pick up Tanner Scheppers to start for my team on Opening Day. I added Tyler Skaggs and immediately dropped him after his first start. So, yeah, my early pickups did not pay off, but the 25 pickups didn't start until halfway through week one, so I was still fine. I did manage to pickup Nate Eovaldi early on who had some good moments before falling apart in the second half, but he would stay with my team for a very long time.

Halfway through the second week of the season, I was convinced that Ryan Braun was not going to be healthy enough to tap into his power potential and began my efforts to trade him. It would take me nearly two months to trade him, but it would be worth it when it finally happened.

Anyway, things were going shockingly well for my team in the standings. Nate Eovaldi and Chris Tillman helped lead my pitching and carry the team to victory in Week 1. After that, both Jose Abreu and Justin Upton had four home runs to help my offense carry me to a victory in Week 2. In Week 3, BJ Upton's three steals and multi-homer weeks from Votto, Moustakas, and Braun helped me enough to pull off a tie. In Week 4, Jose Abreu hit five home runs, and Chris Carter added three in what may have been his only valuable week during the first half of the season. After the first month, I was 3-0-1.

I also wisely Brandon McCarthy twice in this span, but don't worry, I would drop him before he actually got things turned around and started dominating. I did pick up Hector Rondon who solidified my relievers and also Drew Hutchsion who had some nice moments throughout the year. Unfortunately, my luck was about to run out.

In Week 5, my offense completely shit the bed, and my pitching wasn't much better. In Week 6, we got a lot of strikeouts and home runs but didn't do much else for another loss. In Week 7, Hutchison, Tillman, and Tanaka all threw complete game shutouts, but that was still only enough to get me a tie.

Week 7 also marked Danny Salazar being sent to the minors who I replaced with Jaime Garcia. I immediately tried to trade him for an underperforming Pablo Sandoval. The owner told me that it was close, but he needed a solid third base option in return. A few days later, I noticed that David Freese was coming off the DL. One minute after adding Freese, I made an offer of Freese and Garcia for Sandoval which was enough to get the job done two hours later.

I traded Jaime Garcia and David Freese for Pablo Sandoval.

I turned two free agent pickups into a hitter that was just about to get over his cold streak and hit very well for the rest of the season, so that worked out well.

Still, things were not going so well in the standings. Pablo Sandoval did help in his first week with multiple homers, and Justin Upton added three to get me my first win in a month. After that, I didn't have enough to win despite double-digit strikeouts from Tillman, Hamels, Greinke, and even David Robertson.

I was ten weeks into the season, and my team was 4-4-2. If the season ended today, I was in the playoffs, but there were a lot of holes in my roster and the guys that I bet on just didn't seem to be paying off. I was ready to make a change, and change was going to be drastic.

Tune in next time for part three of the longest fantasy baseball story ever told.

The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part One

With the end of the regular season comes the end of fantasy baseball. This was probably my proudest fantasy baseball season, as I managed to buy, sell, and compete all at once. I don't do drugs, so trades are what I imagine crack would be like. I managed to make seven trades this season, and that doesn't even include the trades I made before the draft to move up and down as I bought and sold picks from other sports. With that, there are three important things to know about this league.

1. We have a baseball, basketball, and football season, so we can trade guys between sports. We compete in the individual sports and compete for an overall championship as well.
2. We are introducing keepers this year. Very limited, as you can keep two guys for each sport, and it costs two rounds higher than when the guy was drafted. Free agents are ineligible.
3. You are only allowed 25 free agent acquisitions throughout the entire season. This makes every move way more stressful than a normal league and adds way more strategy to the free agency process. There is no streaming pitchers every week, but maybe you can make a Sunday pickup to put your team over the edge.

There is only one place to start this story, and that is with my draft. After you see my draft, you will understand why I had to make trades. Anyway, here is what I was able to acquire (Note: There were trades before the draft that altered some of my picks, so that is why I did not pick until 19):

19 Carlos Gomez, Mil OF  
23 Evan Longoria, TB 3B  
26 Joey Votto, Cin 1B  
38 Justin Upton, Atl OF  
54 Zack Greinke, LAD SP  
78 Masahiro Tanaka, NYY SP  
83 Wilin Rosario, Col C  
91 Matt Cain, SF SP  
98 Cole Hamels, Phi SP  
115 Chase Utley, Phi 2B  
126 Jose Abreu, CWS 1B  
134 Jedd Gyorko, SD 2B  
139 Danny Salazar, Cle SP  
146 B.J. Upton, Atl OF  
150 David Robertson, NYY RP  
163 Leonys Martin, Tex OF  
179 Koji Uehara, Bos RP  
187 Chris Tillman, Bal SP  
198 Chris Carter, Hou 1B  
235 Jose Veras, Hou RP  
246 Mike Moustakas, KC 3B  
259 Ubaldo Jimenez, Bal SP  
270 Josh Johnson, SD SP  
283 Edwin Jackson, ChC SP  
294 Derek Jeter, NYY SS  

The highlights obviously start with my first pick, Carlos Gomez. An outstanding player in all categories and before I go on about him, I should mention my first trade:

I trade Carlos Gomez and an 8th round football pick for Ryan Braun and a 15th round football pick.

My analysis of this trade: Whoops. I thought Ryan Braun's wrist was healed and I'm not a huge believer that PEDs make a large difference. I stand by the latter, but the former was just poor research on my part.

Other lowlights include my Joey Votto pick which did not work out. I was targeting Stanton there, and he got scooped up right before my pick. I was heartbroken and immediately trying to trade for Stanton, especially since I was living in South Florida at the time so I attended multiple Spring Training and regular season Marlins games. It never came to fruition, and Votto's most positive contributions was when he was only occupying a DL spot instead of starting.

Matt Cain wasn't very good, as I was targeting Anthony Rizzo with that pick, but since I already had Votto and was targeting another first baseman later in the draft, I didn't really need him. Gyorko and Salazar were two young players that I expected to take steps forward, but they both decided to jump backwards instead.

Finally, my last six picks were all dropped within the first six weeks of the season, but to be fair, I only drafted Jeter as a joke since it is free to add guys before the season starts. I replaced him with Chris Owings.

But there were highlights. Greinke, Tanaka, and Hamels were all great values that could lead my starters and Robertson and Uehara were great closers to get later on. As for hitters, the only real highlight was Jose Abreu. That was a great pick, but it may have been my only great pick, as only the biggest fanboy of Chris Carter would actually have held onto him throughout his entire cold streak to be paid off for when he became red hot during the second half of the season.

Looking back, this is a solid team. A good pitching staff that is going to have to carry a disappointing offense. But this is the longest fantasy baseball story ever told, so we'll get into that next time.

UFC 178 Is Still Going To Be the Best Card of the Year

UFC 178 has not gotten a ton of hype in anticipation of the fights this weekend. That is mostly because the original main event was Jon Jones vs. Daniel Cormier, and that fight had the most hype since the days of Brock Lesnar. Also, the replacement main event is about as sure of a thing as you are going to find in the UFC which lessens the excitement. But even though the main event sucks. This card is absolutely stacked. As I went through the fights, my jaw dropped further and further as I was amazed at the talent of this card. Here is a rundown of what to look forward to this weekend.

Demetrious Johnson vs. Chris Cariaso

Cariaso is the biggest underdog in a title fight in UFC history, and he should be. Mighty Mouse is unbelievably quick, and he has consistently added power to his strikes. That is a terrifying combination. The guy is so smooth that I would feel pretty comfortable parlaying this fight with any other one on the card that you felt like betting on.

Donald Cerrone vs. Eddie Alvarez

So I knew this fight was signed, but now that it's here, it found a way to totally sneak up on me. I am so excited for this fight. Neither guy knows how to have a boring fight, and although each guy is tough, they also have enough holes that they could be exploited by their opponent at any time. One of the underrated things about Cerrone is how far his wrestling has come. In a strict wrestling sense, he'll never be very good, but he might be in the top 25% of fighters in his ability to mix strikes with his wrestling in order to be an effective MMA wrestler. Who am I picking in this fight? I'm not, because I honestly have no clue what is going to happen. But since this means nothing, I'll go with Alvarez while noting that anytime I underestimate Cerrone, he makes me look like an idiot.

Dustin Poirier vs. Dustin McGregor

Am I on the McGregor bandwagon? Hell no. He's a talented striker, but I think he will get eaten alive by a wrestler. Luckily, the UFC has protected him from those matchups, and that continues with Poirier. Still, Poirier is the most talented guy that he has fought. Still, I'm picking Poirier, partly because I'm down on McGregor, but mostly that his nickname is Diamond. Dustin "Diamond." You know you're tough when you willingly walk around with a nickname that likens you to Screech. Bravo sir. Bravo.

Tim Kennedy vs. Yoel Romero

I love wrestlers, so Yoel Romero is my guy since he was good enough to win a Silver Medal. He has often used his wrestling for defense so he can throw bombs at people, which is a pretty scary combination. Still, I gotta go with Kennedy on this one, because the guy always finds a way to win. In the last seven years, his only losses are close decisions to Luke Rockhold and Ronaldo Souza. Romero is good, but I don't think he's quite on that level, so I'm going Kennedy.

Dominick Cruz vs. Takeya Mizugaki

Dominick Cruz is back? Finally. Cruz hasn't fought for three years due to repeated knee injuries, but he's finally back. If he's the same fighter he was before, all he has to do is win this one for a shot at TJ Dillashaw to reclaim the title he was forced to vacate. Mizugaki is no easy out, but if Cruz is anywhere near his old talent level, he should have no problems winning the fight.

Those are the fights I'm most excited about, but also on the card is former #1 women's contender, Cat Zingano, Jorge Masvidal, Stephen Thompson, and a bunch of other fighters that have historically had entertaining fights.

I know this card doesn't have the flashy main event, but it more than makes up for it with the other fights on this card. Get excited; this is going to be a fun night of fights.

I Am So Excited For Wrestle War 90

The WWE Network is a magical place where you cannot watch for an hour without your mind being blown. I was watching Clash of the Champions X, and within the first hour, I saw Dr. Death Steve Williams pretending to be a doctor and performing CPR, but this was 1990, so he only pushed on the chest as mouth-to-mouth would have made him geh. Jim Cornette, for no reason whatsoever, calling Norman (a random fat wrestler who loved teddy bears) a child molestor, and finding out that Cactus Jack's last name was Manson. What does this has to do with Wrestle War 90? This also happened:
I can just about guarantee that this PPV is hot garbage, because WCW could not compare to WWF at this point, but man, this .gif:

I want my everyday to be that. Wrestle War 90. Can't wait.

Bloodstained Men Has the Most Important Cause of Our Lifetime

I recently learned about the advocacy group, Bloodstained Men, and they might be my favorite advocacy group of our time. These are people with passion, fashion, and soon they'll be cashin'...checks because everyone is going to donate to this cause. Here are the reasons that Bloodstained Men are the perfect group for our generation.

1. Their Cause Is Important
So what are the Bloodstained Men all about? They are trying to stop circumcision at all costs. These babies aren't consenting to circumcision, therefore, it should be illegal to do it. And this may just be the tip of the iceberg. If we have to have babies consent to everything, they are going to start earning more and more rights. Babies are also imprisoned while they sleep, so they may be looking to ban cribs next. Would it be such a bad thing to let babies vote? Personally, I'm ready for President Blues Clues. It can't be any worse than the current regime, AMIRITE. #ThanksObama #Nobama

2. They Have Stunning Visuals
Was that photo up top not enough? Okay, how about this one?

That is strong, but maybe this is more your style?

That is almost too hot. This should satisfy everyone.

Yep, that should do it.

3. They Have Catchy Catchphrases
Having an organization based on circumcision give you an incredible opportunity for catchphrases. Here are some quick ones that I came up with off the top of my head.

Give your dick some extra size
There's no need to circumsize.

Foreskin gives the ladies more skin.

Keep that knife away from my dick
Use it to spread butter real quick.

I'm glad you're not going after my testicles
Let me keep the resticles.

How about we all drink some Tang
Then you won't have to slice my wang.

It is wrong to cut my dong.

I might go into epileptic shock
If you try to cut my cock.

Some were clearly better than others, but these all took me about 45 seconds to come up with. Needless to say, I was pretty excited to find out what Bloodstained Men were able to come up when they had years to make the catchiest of catchphrases. This is what they came up with:

You don't have to cut his penis.
Let him keep his WHOLE penis.

Seriously? Rhyming penis with penis? That's it?

But here's the thing, it's still really catchy. If I was still in college, I would definitely dress in all-white coveralls with a red stain on my crotch for Halloween and scream that catchphrase the entire night. It would be one of the most fun Halloween costumes of all time (Note: If you do this, please send pictures or video to uncensoredwriting@gmail.com).

The message is so strong that the delivery doesn't even matter.

Thank you, Bloodstained Men. Thank you.

Sean O'Haire: Master of the Vignette

Last night, news came that Sean O'Haire had passed away. If you are not a wrestling fan, that name probably means very little to you. If you are a wrestling fan, you may still not know who that is. But if you do have strong memories of Sean O'Haire, it is almost certainly not for what he did in the ring, but for what he did outside of the ring.

In preparation of Sean O'Haire coming to the WWE with a new gimmick, they released a series of vignettes. They are, without a doubt, the greatest vignettes in WWE history. I can't remember how I found these videos as it was a dark period in my wrestling watching when these came to fruition. I am guessing my brother sent them to me, and if I found them first, I can guarantee I immediately sent them to my brother. 

Bray Wyatt was praised for his vignettes, because he came across as this diabolical cult leader. But when you think about it, Bray Wyatt isn't scary, because Bray Wyatt can't control you. He is a cult leader for hillbillies, not your normal everyday person. Sean O'Haire was the cult leader for your everyday person, because on its face, although you knew what he was saying was bad, it also kind of made sense.

Every video was pure magic, like this one on infidelity.


Or this one on drugs:



Or my personal favorite, his work on religion:


They are all brilliant. Delivered perfectly. That smug confidence that every standard that you hold yourself to is a farce while he offers true freedom that will not only make you happier, but will make those around you happier as well. They are hammered home with the perfect conclusion, "Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know."

This gimmick really never went anywhere, but these videos will live on forever. If you really want to see their impact, just look at the YouTube comments on these videos. They make people feel uncomfortable about their beliefs. It's amazing.

It's a weird thing in that my friends and I have laughed our asses off at these videos, as they were so brilliant, all you could do was sit back and appreciate it. I'm sure that we are not alone in our appreciation for Sean O'Haire, and I hope that he knew how great these videos were. On the internet, it's so easy to shit all over things that you don't like. But this was something I loved, and I never took the time to see if he had Twitter or Facebook to tell him how awesome these were. At just 43 years old, I could have assumed that I would have plenty of time, but I was never actually going to do it.

So, if you take one thing out of this, it's praise things that you actually enjoy to let the creators know that what they are doing is awesome. It may be an athlete, it may be a writer, or even an artist, but letting them know how great their work is will make both you and the creator feel better.

Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

What Turning 30 Means

The short answer is "Not shit." I am guessing that you would like a little more insight than that, but today being my 30th birthday, I can assure you that it is just another day.

I have been married for nearly a year, and I still love my wife. Just knowing that she is in my life is enough to put a smile on my face. Also, she loves me way more than she did on our wedding day. She's even starting to laugh at some of my jokes now instead of just calling me an idiot.

I have a dog that I love way too much, but to be fair, she loves me way too much too. I can neither confirm nor deny that she tries to hump me anytime I crawl on the floor (yes, she). I can confirm that my wife is very jealous of our relationship.

I'm in good shape, even better than I was a year ago, so if all else fails, at least I have my health.

My only real complaint is that career-wise, I am a giant loser. Considering my education and skill-set, I should be way further ahead in the corporate world, but I only have myself to blame as I have taken two long sabbaticals from work for no other reason than, "Eh, I'm gonna go do my own thing for a while." Shockingly, that can scare off potential employers. Still, I'm bouncing between temp jobs, and although it's easy to feel down about not getting offered a good full-time job, logically, I know something will hit soon.

With that, I wish I had more money (who doesn't?), but complaining about it is silly. We live comfortably a mile from the beach, and eventually, I promise to get my wife a bedroom set so our mattress doesn't lay on the floor.

This isn't how I imagined my life turning out. I'm never going to be a professional athlete (who would have thought you would need size, athleticism, and coordination?). I'm never going to be rich and famous. But at least I have a blog, damnit. In all seriousness, life is good. I'm happy with where I'm at, and I'm excited for where things are going.

These thoughts may have seem jumbled, and that's an accurate representation of what goes on through my head. 30 adds no clarity to the mind, as just like when I was 10 and 20 years old, I'm still trying to figure things out. I have more answers now than I did then, but I still have just as many questions. I'm smart enough now to realize I'll never figure life out, so I'm going to do what I think is best. Do fun things, spend time with fun people, and overall, try to leave more good than bad. Outside of that, I don't have a clue, but I guess that's part of the fun.

Suits Power Rankings: This Is Rome

Today, I bid farewell to Suits, as last night was the Summer Season Finale. What actually happened last night? Not much, really. Harvey has all of his clients. Mike is a boy wonder. Louis is looking for work still. Oh, and Katrina got fired, although I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have not seen the last of her. Although Louis does not have a job, he is trying to become a name partner at Pearson Specter due to some leverage that he now possesses (we'll get into that later), but it made me think to do things a little differently this week. Instead of judging everyone's performance from last night, I am going to rank the 20 best possibilities for name partner at Pearson Specter. Since Jessica and Harvey are immediately eliminated, all you really need to know is that Harvey needs to get his legs into his punching if he is ever going to tap into his power potential, and Jessica probably would have been ranked number one, as I'm shocked she doesn't need a wheelbarrow for her enormous balls. For last week's rankings, click here. But now onto the rankings for potential name partner, in reverse order:

21. Amy - She doesn't have a last name, so she is immediately disqualified. 

20. Eric Woodall - He is going to jail, although it is not for the crimes he committed with Charles Forstman. No, unfortunately, Eric Woodall committed the worst crime of all: Not being handsome. That shit don't fly at Pearson Specter. 

19. Charles Forstman - I am currently reading The Divide, which is an incredible book about injustice when it comes to the wealth gap. Rich people don't go to prison, no matter what they do, so Forstman is definitely not going to jail. Still, I have to downgrade him as it seems like a significant step backwards in his career to join a law firm, when he does investments and has way more money than anybody at Pearson Specter. 

18. Jared Franklin - His numbers since becoming a name partner are very poor. He couldn't even get an interview at Pearson Specter. 

17. Robert Zane - Zane is best as a loner. If he scratches your back, he expects you to lick his butthole. He doesn't need partners, and Pearson Specter doesn't need him.

16. Katrina Bennett - Katrina's allegiances are to Louis. Unfortunately, if you want to make name partner, you need to pledge allegiance to yourself. She is out of a job for now, and something tells me she will not be bouncing from the halfway house to the penthouse suite.

15. Jonathan Sidwell - Although he does not have Forstman money, he still has a whole lot more than lawyers do. He's an investment banker, which means he has steak dinner when he is being frugal. He's too rich for Pearson Specter.

14. Walter Gillis - Has no law background, but he does have a lot of money. He is looking for a purpose, so I'm not sure if he would outright deny it. His money could bring in some high-profile clients, which definitely could add value to the firm. Still, he hates Harvey, I'm guessing he would hate Jessica, so he's probably good staying out of their business. 

13. Peter Bash - He is promising but constant surf trips would set a poor precedent for the rest of the firm.

12. Logan Sanders - I know what you're thinking. He also has so much money that he has no need to work at Pearson Specter, even if he was a name partner, but this is the ultimate power move to get Rachel back. He could immediately fire Mike Ross, because him and Jessica would outvote Harvey on the issue. Rachel could quit at that point, but considering that Pearson Specter agreed to pay for her tuition as long as she does continue to work there, she is basically stuck. Then it is just time to let the romance progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, Logan is not any sort of lawyer, and he really brings no benefit to the firm, but it would be pretty sweet revenge for him if he could pull it off.

11. Sheila Sass - She broke Louis's heart, which definitely earns her bonus points with Harvey and Jessica as they are not huge fans of Louis after he tried to steal clients from them. But, ultimately, she's an Admissions Counselor. She is an Admissions Counselor who plays by her own rules, which I respect. If Harvey and Jessica ran a brothel, I think Sheila would be a great candidate for name partner, but at a law firm, she lacks the background necessary to succeed.

10. Donna Paulsen - Although she is an impeccable marksman, er markswoman, there are definitely some holes in her game. The lack of law degree is obvious, but the fact that Jessica threatens to fire her anytime is a suggestion is a much bigger hindrance. Although her and Harvey are very close, he likes to keep her a step below him, so he will keep her as his assistant to assert his power in their relationship.

9. Mike Ross - Jessica did hate him, but she did start to warm up to him a little bit. Obviously, Harvey would do backflips with this decision. He is definitely one of the top lawyers in the firm, so he has a lot of things going for him. Still, if he becomes a name partner, that is going to bring media attention, and that is just too big of a risk to take. He has a ceiling on his career as a lawyer, and name partner is far beyond that ceiling.

8. Michael Phelps - Refused to sign with Harvey, which takes tremendous balls. He did sign with another lawyer from the firm, but that lawyer has since left. I'm not sure if he is still with the firm, but anybody who says no immediately has Jessica's respect. The lack of a law degree hurts, but when they compete with other law firms in the big Judicial Swim Meet, they are sure to take first place. And yes, that is enough to give him a better shot at being name partner than Mike Ross.

7. Daniel HARDMAN - They tried this once before; it did not end well. But goddamn, HARDMAN was so awesome.

6. Rachel Zane - So Rachel isn't a lawyer yet, and she seems to not even be that good of an associate either, but she does have one huge advantage. People might think it was her Dad, which would probably help them sign clients. The business would be too embarrassed to backtrack once they found out the truth. Still, it seems unlikely.

5. Jeff Malone - So Jeff Malone came in like a total badass, but then he turned into a Real Munson. He's got to be this high as he somehow has Harvey's respect and Jessica's love. Also, now that he's a corporate lawyer, you just know that he puts on his business card, "The Mailman Always Delivers" even though he is the weaker of the Malone brothers. You're not Karl, Jeff, stop pretending to be. Despite all that, if Jessica and Harvey decided on their own to have another name partner, he's probably the lead dog, but that only makes him the most likely candidate, not the best.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had his balls chopped off for this entire season, so it was good to see him get his fire back for this final episode. He tried to get his clients by being nice, and then he tried stealing, but finally he had to resort to brute force, and luckily for him, he had the leverage to out power the people in his way. Louis finally figured out that Mike did not go to Harvard. He exploded on everyone in his path, and now he is hoping that his nuclear bomb leads nothing but peril, pain, and a partnership. Unfortunately, all that leverage does not even get him in the top three of possible candidates, but fourth is still a very strong showing. 

3. Dana Scott - Please. 

Pretty please. 

No? Okay, but still Dana Scott would be an incredible choice. Smart, sexy as all get out, and great lawyering experience. Had she not made Harvey one of her bangpieces, she might be number one, but she left that fool behind. Hence, no name partnership for her.

2. Sean Cahill - Obviously I have been singing the praises of Cahill all season and deservedly so. Cahill was the first person to compete against Harvey while not breaking the rules. He bent rules to the verge of their absolute breaking point, but he always managed to keep things clean. He earned Harvey's respect and left Jessica speechless. Clearly, they are enamored with this gentleman, and who could blame them? You know why large companies get away with whatever they want? Because they have a team of lawyers and nobody from the government wants to deal with that. Meanwhile, this Sean Cahill SOB doesn't just sue a large company, he sues a large law firm. You know what law firms are filled with? Lawyers. Cahill is like a honey badger in that he simply does not give a fuck. The balls on this guy, good lord. Plus, his tax fraud joke would kill at the Pearson Specter Cahill Christmas Party. He is everything you would want in a name partner. Well, everything except...

1. Harold Jakowski Gunderson- Harold. The number one answer is always Harold. 

Sounds like partnership material to me. Long live Harold. Oh, and sorry about your girlfriend, Mike, but Harold's gotta Harold.