The Ultimate WWE Fantasy Draft

With Smackdown moving to a live show on Tuesdays, there are plenty of rumors about an upcoming brand split for the WWE. Instead of waiting for the WWE to pull off a disappointing draft routine, the ultimate tag team, Lukewarm Jonah and Hott Joe, came together this past week to have an old fashioned WWE Fantasy Draft. Our goal is to create the best possible roster to create a successful, moneymaking product.

Some things to know before we get started is that you draft guys for what they are likely to do in the future. The Rock is in this draft, but you don't get to draft him as a full-time wrestler, but he can be used 1-2 times a year to talk for a half hour and boost ratings. Another thing is that wrestlers automatically got their managers with them, so Miz comes with Maryse. Also, tag teams must be taken in pairs, and they must be taken with the first of your two back-to-back picks since we did a snake draft. For New Day, they would take up the person's next three picks, but they would stay together. And to create this list, we used the list of WWE personnel on Wikipedia, so our main roster included 118 picks. And that does not include NXT Superstars (Supplemental Draft) or Mr. McMahon, who is ominpresent for our purposes.

Since Jonah is a true gentleman, he offered me the first pick, and from there, we will have two picks each through the rest of the draft. Let's get it going with part one.

1. Joe selects Seth Rollins
Is this a homer pick? Well, I do share a hometown with Rollins, so you could say so, but he's the best pick to go with if you are creating a brand. He's shown he can be a top heel, and I think people forget how good he is in the ring, because he hasn't been held back from shining. The only thing that's held him back is that he actually wrestled like a heel so he held back from some of his most entertaining moves. There's nobody I'd feel more confident in leading my brand.

2-3. Jonah selects Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose
With Rollins gone, I went with the other two members of The Shield.  Sure Roman Reigns is getting booed into oblivion, but he’s already been in two Wrestlemania main events and just needs to be booked correctly, and I’m just the man to do it.  If you don’t believe me read the article I wrote about how to book Roman Reigns.  Dean Ambrose is super over.  He’s been putting on better matches recently, honestly he’s not my favorite guy but the crowd absolutely loves him, he cuts a great promo, and I feel his in ring work has really stepped up in recent months.  Plus these two fighting each other once Reigns turns heel is a Wrestlemania worthy main event.

4-5. Joe selects Cesaro and Sami Zayn
So Jonah took the other members of The Shield, which was fine by me. I'm not a Dean Ambrose guy, and the internet seems to hate Roman Reigns, so I went with a couple guys that the internet loves in Cesaro and Sami Zayn. Let's not forget that these two may have had the best match in NXT history with their 2-out-of-3 falls match. I actually had Cena and Cesaro ranked highest on my list, but I couldn't resist the chance to pair Cesaro and Zayn, which basically means that I'm going to have the best main events imaginable.

6-7. Jonah selects Kevin Owens and AJ Styles
Joe taking Cesaro and Sami Zayn hurt, but I just like Joe too much to steal Cesaro from him with one of my first two picks.  Zayn is awesome, but I would put Kevin Owens ahead of him.  The work he’s done is main event level.  I gave serious thought to picking Owens with one of my first two picks so I’m very happy to get him here.  AJ Styles is older, but still very fresh in the eyes of the WWE and they’ve already made him a main eventer.  Styles has already had amazing matches with Reigns and Owens, he can fight anyone, put on a fantastic match and the crowd will care.

8-9. Joe selects John Cena and Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman
Needless to say, I was pretty happy to get the face that runs the place with the eighth pick in the draft. He probably should have been the first pick in the draft, but I'll gladly reap the benefits. There are so many John Cena haters that people forget that he is BY FAR the biggest star in the company and also puts on great matches when he is up against great wrestlers. To top it off with Brock Lesnar who I would watch wrestle anybody and I get the services of Paul Heyman makes it well worth it, even if Lesnar is only around about a third of the year. Just think about Lesnar vs. Cesaro or Sami Zayn, or a triple threat match, or a fatal fourway with Rollins. Oh man, I'm fantasy booking my fantasy wrestling team; this may be nerd overload.

10-11. Jonah selects Rusev with Lana and Randy Orton
Obviously both Cena and Lesnar were high on my radar.  I’m a little worried about Cena returning from this injury.  He’s getting up there in years, but if he was here I definitely would have taken him.  Same with Lesnar, but I went with year round top performers over the great Lesnar.  Anyways, Rusev is awesome.  The guy is one of the most entertaining promos in the company, he looks like he could kill you, and he puts on good matches.  He should already be in the main event and he will pair nicely with all the other talented, entertaining guys I have on my roster.  Lana is a nice plus, she’s shown athleticism in the ring, and was super over before they turned her American then back to Russian.  Randy Orton is a well known veteran.  He’s pretty solid in the ring, and it’s good to have a veteran presence on the roster.  Really he’s been presented as Cena’s equal and rival for a decade.

12-13. Joe selects Charlotte and Sasha Banks
This is where having back-to-back picks can either set you up or absolutely kill you. I took the top two women's wrestlers and instantly made my division dominant over his, no matter what he is able to acquire from here on out. I, like the rest of the internet, love Sasha Banks, and Charlotte is an absolute freak. I knew I was setting up Jonah for his next pick, but I felt like locking down women's wrestling was worth the risk of being Booty.

14-16. Jonah selects The New Day
I was sad that Joe took Charlotte and Sasha, or really, just Sasha.  Here’s the thing about the New Day though, Big E is a future world champion.  Great look, tons of charisma, great matches, it’s pretty simple.  Kofi has been solid for a decade, and Xavier Woods went from being absolutely nothing to being part of the best group going today.  He’s still plenty young and can go in the ring, I’ll book him a new, cooler looking finisher and he’ll be good to go for years.

17-18. Joe selects Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio
It's really tough to argue with anybody in the top 16 picks. They're the biggest stars in the company. I selected Dolph Ziggler, who could be higher and could be much lower, but it's Dolph Ziggler, and even though it's been a little more miss than hit lately, he has the potential to rising back up. Also, Ziggler/Lesnar sounds like an incredibly fun match to me (Note: Lesnar/Insert Wrestler Human Here always sounds great to me). After that, I went with Alberto Del Rio, mostly because I remember how totally awesome Alberto El Patron was, so I know what kind of incredible potential he has.

19. Jonah selects The Miz with Maryse
I am a big fan of Dolph, and have a “Saving Dolph Ziggler” booking article working, but he just didn’t fall to me.  The Miz is really underrated.  I’m not sure how he’s been able to do it, but he’s been a main eventer, mid carder, and jobber, and really he does them all well.  He’s a veteran who can work with anyone and actually put on decent matches.

20-21. Joe selects Enzo and Big Cass
Enzo is the type of guy that could go into a monastery and get the monks to cheer for him. You can't teach that.

22-23. Jonah selects Bray Wyatt and Sheamus
The previous pick was the realest pick in the room.  I waited a little longer on Bray Wyatt than I normally would have knowing that Joe doesn’t like him.  The Wyatt family was about to destroy the League of Nations before Wyatt’s injury and it was the first time anyone made any noise during a League of Nations segment.  Wyatt is a guy I genuinely believe will be a main eventer, just needs a little bit of a gimmick change.  Whoops sorry Sheamus don’t read that sentence about how much the League of Nations suck.  Sheamus is still a multiple time world champion, including as recently as just a few months ago.   He’s a big brawler, should be a good heel, but for some reason generates no heat.  My booking team will fix that.

24-25. Joe selects Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson
So far, Gallows and Anderson have been fairly pedestrian. They didn't get the best feud as they are more of a sideshow than a main attraction. Still, there is no better bad guy tag team to have around, so at best, you can run them as champions, and at worse, they are enforcers who just come in and kick ass.

26-27. Jonah selects Kalisto and Becky Lynch
Kalisto should be the new Rey Mysterio.  Instead they’ve been having him wrestler super boring matches against big guys.  I’ll have him fight guys who can keep up with him and sell millions of Kalisto masks to kids.  Becky Lynch is as good as Charlotte.  There I said it.  I know Charlotte’s the champ, but Sasha is the cream of the women’s division in the WWE now, and Charlotte and Becky Lynch are 2A and 2B.  Lynch is as good in the ring as Charlotte, and it may just be me but I’d rather listen to Lynch’s accent then Charlotte shout random words during a promo.

28-29. Joe selects Apollo Crews and Neville
It was at this point where I realized how stupid deep WWE's roster is. I know they have some injuries, but how are they struggling to fill three hours with this many great wrestlers? I'm not totally sure what they are doing with Apollo Crews, but I think that there is no wrestler who would benefit more from a brand split. Hopefully they continue his feud with Sheamus, as even in a loss, it could help elevate him. Neville is basically a better Kalisto without the mask; people forget that. Had he not gotten hurt, he could have truly elevated things in the Ladder Match at WrestleMania, but he could be a ton of fun against just about anybody on my roster.

30-31. Jonah selects Chris Jericho and Paige
Jericho really went later than he should have.  His work since he’s come back is his best in years and if you don’t believe that then you’re a stupid idiot.  He’s still very good in the ring, he’s always been great on the mic, and he can host the Highlight Reel.  He’s back to put wrestlers over, but he’s still a recognized threat.  Pairing someone lower on the totem pole with him will elevate them even if Jericho wins to keep his threat.  Paige is awesome and has been buried for some reason.  She’s in her early 20s, and is still one of the top women’s wrestlers in the company.  Grabbing Paige after Lynch is my way of making sure my women’s division is legitimate.

32-33.  Joe selects Luke Harper and Triple H
Luke Harper = Great Wrestler; that's all you need to know. Triple H will probably be around as a wrestler for two months, but he can benefit everything by throwing his weight as an authority figure behind a younger wrestler.

34-35. Jonah selects Baron Corbin and Titus O'Neil
I was disappointed that Joe took Luke Harper.  Harper really should be the WWE’s new monster.  He’s like the old monsters except better in the ring.  Since Joe took Harper I needed to take Baron Corbin as my new monster.  Guy hates indy wrestlers, small wrestlers, whoever.  He’s got a bright future ahead and I love his entitled gimmick.  Titus O’ Neil is probably a bit of a shock, but I like what he does in the ring even though it’s not overly complicated.  His bark is entertaining to the crowd and he provides incredible PR.  You’re looking at the Celebrity Dad of the Year and he’s on my roster.

36-37. Joe selects Big Show and The Rock
These are my spectacle picks. Big Show is the largest athlete out there, and you can always use that to legitimize guys by temporarily turning him into a monster. I also drafted The Rock, because even though he is probably only showing up 1-2 times a year to cut a 30 minute promo, it will boost my ratings and brand appeal.

38-39. Jonah selects Kane and Braun Strowman
Joe took the Big Show, so I felt I had to strike back with Kane.  I’ll be honest, I’d book him both as the monster Kane and as Corporate Kane.  Two faces of Jacobs is almost as good as three faces of Foley.  He’s a veteran, has absolutely no problem losing to anyone, and was a very entertaining backstage figure.  Strowman is raw.  He needs time to develop.  However his size, strength, and intensity are a great base.  By keeping him with Wyatt for a bit, Strowman should be able to actually develop into another new monster.

That's all for part one, we'll be back with part two tomorrow.

The 10 Best Things In The WWE: May 2016

Since it's Memorial Day, we're going minimal for the May WWE Rankings. Just list it out so everybody can get back to their BBQ.

10. New Day
9. Dana Brooke
8. Enzo and Big Cass
7. Seth Rollins
6. Roman Reigns
5. AJ Styles
4. The Miz
3. Kevin Owens
2. Sami Zayn
1. Cesaro

I put approximately 45 seconds of thinking into these rankings, so they are undeniable.

Cauliflower Ear Is the Only Tattoo I Need

I'm not a big tattoo guy, which is another way of saying that I have zero tattoos. Now I have no real issue with tattoos, as people are free to decorate/design their body as they see fit, but for me personally, I have just never had anything I wanted to have on my body for the rest of my life. Like, there's no way I'm going to get something involving my wife. I love her more than anything and we're great, but shit can change, you know? I mean, I will forever be a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes, but what if they have a big rape scandal like Penn State? Do I really want to have to explain that every time I pop my shirt off? The answer is no, I don't. And then there's the greatest tattoo ever.

It simply doesn't get better than a full back tattoo of the grim reaper snuggling a little baby with a German phrase, "God is with us" above it. Yes, totally badass, but maybe a little much for a guy who is only 5'9" and 150 pounds.

So I live my life without any ink on my body. Luckily, there is another option for me to mutilate myself in order to show my individuality, and that mutilation is the Cauliflower Ear. Growing up, cauliflower ear was seen as a gross thing that you should do everything you could to avoid. So, I did that, as I always wore my headgear in wrestling and kept my ears in pristine condition.

In my mid-20s, I went down to Jackson-Winkeljohn to learn the wonderful world of mixed martial arts. This was a grind, and one day after a hard practice, I noticed that my left ear was swollen. I checked it out in a mirror and realized that it was about twice the size of my other ear. Since I was still a single guy, I decided I would start wearing headgear again while grappling, because I needed to stay pretty if I was going to find myself a wife.

Fast forward five years later, with a wife and a dog, I found myself scratching that MMA itch again, and since I didn't need to be pretty, I left the headgear in my gym bag and just got after it. Lo and behold, the cauliflower ear came back and is here to stay. Now, it's not quite the doubling effect that I had at my worst, but if you look at my right and left ears, you can tell that the left ear is noticeably swollen.

This is my tattoo, and it's really grown on me. It's subtle enough that you'd have to really be looking for it to notice, but when people do notice, I get instant credibility that I am not a man to be trifled with, and thank god, because I seriously do not want to be trifled with. But my left ear that is cauliflowered is my tattoo, and I'm cool with that being permanent. It's not something you ask for; it's something that you earn. It's not just a tattoo; it's a badge of honor. I weirdly love my cauliflower ear.

And again, please don't trifle with me; I'm not tough, and I'm way too old to be getting in fights, so I'm really counting on the appearance of this ear to protect me.

Breaking Down the Chicago Bears Fourth Round Pick: West Virginia Linebacker - Nick Kwiatkoski

The NFL Draft has come and gone, and it appears that the Bears have a plan in place. Did I agree with that plan at every twist and turn? No, not really, but I also really enjoyed some of their moves so it all balances out. And they were active, and that definitely made for an exciting weekend. But what's done is done. The picks I like will obviously work out, and hopefully my genius fails me on the picks that I didn't like. So far, I have had the chance to break down:

First Round Pick: Leonard Floyd, Linebacker, Georgia
Second Round Pick: Cody Whitehair, Offensive Guard, Kansas State
Third Round Pick: Jonathan Bullard, Defensive Lineman, Florida

Today, we look at the Bears first fourth round pick, Nick Kwiatkoski, a linebacker out of West Virginia. Now with the Bears first three picks, it was plenty easy to find game tape to watch enough film to make strong evaluations. That changes in the fourth round, as Draft Breakdown only had one game of film to watch (which I should mention is still amazing that I can even get one ten-minute film of an entire game's worth of plays), so I'll be checking out his game against Kansas State to see what type of player the Bears were able to acquire.

Inside linebacker is an instinctual position without a whole lot of flash to it. It fills a role, but it's rarely a big play position. It's consistency that is the key. A worry may be how he performs in coverage, as he got caught looking into the backfield instead of sticking with the tight end on this play.

I mean, the bad news is obvious. He lost track of his man and gave up a 20-yard reception. The good news is that when he jammed him off the line of scrimmage, he pushed the tight end about five yards outside, so nice pop from Kwiatkoski.

Kwiatkoski did have three interceptions on the year, but it was not because of excellent coverage skills. He caught one off of a deflection, one when he jumped near the line of scrimmage and the quarterback just didn't throw the ball high enough, with his final one being the most impressive as he was sitting in zone coverage and made a nice break on the ball.

And that was about the only play that stood out in the least bit against Kansas State. It was definitely not his best game of the season, as there was virtually nothing to go off of on the film. So I decided to consult the highlight video to see if I could find out anything more about Kwiatkoski.

That power showed up again on run plays as he showed that he can fill a hole and stop a running back from getting any forward momentum with this hit.

That is a great job by him to explode through the tackle and wrap up to finish the job.

His athletic numbers are not only solid, but that is what you would expect from a fourth round pick, unless that fourth rounder was VERY raw. Kwiatkoski is not going to win with athleticism, he'll do it with instincts, which seems to be the case for just about every successful middle linebacker.

Even after the highlight video, it was tough to get too excited, but that's not Kwiatkoski's game. He's going to fill a role. The guy doesn't have exciting potential, but he's also not likely to kill you. He can be a solid middle linebacker. I know that's not sexy, but considering what the Bears were forced to trot out last year, depth was needed, even with their free agent signings. He'll start off as a backup inside linebacker, and he seems like a guy who can step up as a starter if needed. 

Let's Break Down Dude Love's Entrance Video

Dude Love is most remembered as Mick Foley's most forgettable persona (although Mick Foley considers his run as Commissioner as his favorite persona, but I'm just going to focus on the big three for this). He didn't make the early impact of Cactus Jack and Mankind is one of the top five characters from the Attitude Era. Still, I wouldn't discount the impact of Dude Love, as he was the first "Reality Era" character. Jim Ross's interview with Mankind where he revealed that he always dreamed of being more like Shawn Michaels resonated with fans so much that his Dude Love dream became an entire alter ego and made him more popular no matter which character Mick Foley was portraying.

But I'm not here to focus on all of that; let's just keep it simple today and focus on Dude Love's entrance video because it is awesome, and I enjoy awesome things.

Let's start off with that song. That is one happy song. Now I'm not necessarily saying it's a good song, but it is tough to have a frown on your face with this song playing. That puts me in a good mood to watch this video. But Dude Love manages to do a lot of traveling to far away lands to show that he's the coolest cat in the land. Let's try to tag along on this epic journey.

First off, Dude is having an epic time as a mime while on a late night prowl.

Why is this man trapped in a box? I don't know, but he looks like he's having a blast. Also, the moon is jumping around in the background. Does this have something to do with the control of the invisible box that Dude is partying in? Yes, the moon controls the tides, so I believe it has to be closely related to invisible mime boxes.

But trapped in an invisible box is nothing when you can dance inside of a lamp.

And that ain't no regular lamp. That right there is a bonafide lava lamp. It's the ultimate in cool hippy decor, and Dude even got himself a fancy hate to celebrate as he rolls along in a life of lava.

It can get pretty hot being in that lava, so it only makes sense to cool off.

Dude went from lava to swimming with the fishies, and as you can tell, he can't believe his eyes. I mean that's the definition of guy who sees a hot babe at the beach, but Dude is totally pulling it off. Also, that fish looks high.

This video is slightly insane, but Dude actually finds a way to take it to another level...literally.

Dude Love can fly. Instead of focusing on the beautiful sunset, he'd just like to say hi to you. This is incredibly dangerous, because Dude is clearly still learning how to fly. His arms rock back and forth to give him balance, and immediately after waving to everyone, he starts to plummet back to the Earth. I guess if he could plummet from the skies, jumping off Hell in a Cell had to be a breeze.

Here's a disturbing Dude Love gif to haunt your nightmares.

Did I say haunt your nightmares? I meant consume your dreams. Your wet dreams. Hey-o!

They only spliced together about 25 seconds of clips for this video, and then just put them on repeat, but man, did they pack a lot into those 25 seconds. I mean, they put in not one but two flying scenes. The budget of this thing must have been through the roof.

Fly away, Dude. Fly into the land where you can live in lava lamps, hang with the fishies, and live your dream as the sexy beast that we all know and love. Godspeed, Dude Love.

The Next Big NXT Superstars

NXT is an amazing place. It's grown in popularity a tremendous amount, but it's still not that popular when compared to WWE's main roster shows. Still, everyone who has given NXT a chance prefers it over WWE, because they put on consistently compelling shows, and their special events are always off the chain. With that, NXT has evolved into something different. They've found success in taking stars from other places and transitioning them into immediate stars in NXT. Don't get me wrong, Kevin Owens, Samoa Joe, and Shinsuke Nakamura are all admittedly awesome, but I kind of miss the days of WWE slowly building up new superstars. Luckily, there is some serious promise on the way.

With NXT traveling around the world, the house shows that I go to in Florida occasionally lack the top notch talent that everyone knows. At first, it is a bit of a bummer, but there are still a few wrestlers who truly stand out (and Tye Dillinger is there, so that always helps) and make it easy to see their potential. That's why I'm going to give you the inside scoop on the next big superstars in the WWE. I'm pretty sure none of these wrestlers have been on TV, but all of them are super awesome. And since I am a man of equality, I found a women's, men's, and tag team wrestlers that are about to break out in a big way.

Adrienne Reese
Since I'm a gentleman, I'll go ladies first. Reese is a spit-fire who is solid all around in the ring. I've gotten to watch three matches with her. She was good in one and great in two others. The most recent one against Peyton Royce was the best I had seen from either one. Her in-ring work is there, and she seems to be progressing in her in-ring charisma. But what is really going to make her a star is her finish. I mean, the Stone Cold Stunner was sweet, but Reese jumps off the top rope, and does a flip into a Stunner. It is totally sweet, and people are going to freak out about how awesome she is. Get on the bandwagon now.

Mikey Nicholls and Shane Haste
These Australians made a name for themselves in Japan as TMDK (The Mighty Don't Kneel), and although I had heard about them, I had never actually seen any of their matches before seeing them at a couple NXT house shows. They're awesome, as Nicholls is one of the most charismatic performers I have seen. He's complimented by his tag team partner who is also very good in the ring. Both matches I have seen had Nicholls being the primary wrestler, so I have only seen a limited amount of Haste. But they're a very entertaining team, and they wrestle with personalities, as opposed to wrestling, with personality thrown in between moves. It makes a huge difference. And they even passed my wife's test as they instantly became her favorite tag team after one match. The only issue they are going to have is being white guys, because that means they will get USA chants anytime they face off against a foreign tag team, despite also being a foreign tag team, and yes, I did see this happen already.

Manny Andrade
Although he hasn't gotten the hype of some other WWE signings, Andrade has torn it up internationally as La Sombra, and it's clear that he has everything necessary to succeed in the ring. I've seen Andrade in two singles matches, and they are two of the best matches I have seen at any NXT house show. In the match I saw last week, Andrade took on Tye Dillinger in the main event, and they tore it up. It was a super fun back-and-forth match where there were a ton of near finishes because both guys just kept doing awesome things. It ended with Dillinger getting a rollup with handful of tights for the win, but both guys got a standing ovation at the end of the night. The other match was the best NXT house show I have ever seen against Sami Zayn, and you can read about that one here. My only real concern with him is that they are dressing him up with no shirt, suspenders, and a goofy hat which makes him look like a bad guy, but he wrestles best as a babyface. The guy has everything you need in the ring, so learning English is the only thing that will slow him down from becoming a huge superstar.

Breaking Down the Chicago Bears Third Round Pick: Florida Defensive Lineman - Jonathan Bullard

The NFL Draft has come and gone, and it appears that the Bears have a plan in place. Did I agree with that plan at every twist and turn? No, not really, but I also really enjoyed some of their moves so it all balances out. And they were active, and that definitely made for an exciting weekend. But what's done is done. The picks I like will obviously work out, and hopefully my genius fails me on the picks that I didn't like. So far, I have had the chance to break down:

First Round Pick: Leonard Floyd, Linebacker, Georgia
Second Round Pick: Cody Whitehair, Offensive Guard, Kansas State

Today we break things down with the Bears third round pick, Florida defensive lineman, Jonathan Bullard. I think this was the most universally loved pick that the Bears had in the draft as Bullard arguably had first round talent, so to snag him in the middle of the third was excellent potential value for the Bears. He's also one of the most athletically gifted talents in the defensive line as shown by his SPARQ score, and he showed at the combine that he is explosive in every conceivable way. I decided to see if the hype was real by checking out his games against Alabama, Tennessee, and Ole Miss.

When watching film of the guy, you can tell that he has a motor and can make plays all over the field. Not only will he be an asset against the run game, but he has the skills to provide pressure from the inside and outside as Florida moved him inside and outside to best take advantage of his abilities.

It was weird, because early on in the Tennessee game, he wasn't very impressive. My optimistic viewpoint was that maybe he was just given trouble with all the misdirection that they run in their offense, but he really wasn't doing much of anything. He got absolutely washed out of a run play that turned into a 20-yard gain for the Volunteers. Starting with these plays, he decided to dominate everything in his path.

On this play, he completely blows up the line and immediately forces the runner to the outside where he is met with a bevvy of Florida defenders and the play goes absolutely nowhere. I obviously cut this play short, because good god, that is some impressive burst.

A couple plays later, on third and short, he more more than made up for his earlier struggles.

Bullard goes right across the guard's face whose only job is to not let Bullard do that and meets Jalen Hurd in the backfield before he can get the first down.

As you can see, Bullard is absolutely explosive off the snap, and there may be no better example of that as he causes havoc against opposing offenses.

Uh...yeah. That's not fair.

Just steamrolling a center on his way to the quarterback.

Yo 75, if 90 is coming, through, clear the damn way.

As for the Alabama game, there weren't many highlights as Bullard was mostly contained. When he went up against the right side of the offensive line, he was able to get penetration consistently, but that C-LG-LT trifecta is the truth for the Tide. The Center was drafted in the middle of the first round which is about as high as any Center is ever taken. The LT is projected to be a top-10 pick, and honestly, the LG (who committed to Iowa before flipping to Bama) simply doesn't mess up. Bullard fought valiantly, but he wasn't nearly as effective as he had shown in other games. Even with that, it's not like Bama had their way moving him around, but they were able to slow down the penetration and minimize his impact.

As you can probably tell, I am a huge Bullard fan. Florida was able to move him all over the line, and he was able to cause havoc no matter where he was. Using him as a 3-4 end on first and second before putting him inside to rush the passer on third downs will be a great use of his versatility. Honestly, had I seen him blowing up plays like this in the Mountain West or Sun Belt, I would have been pretty excited, but considering he was doing it against the SEC has me in a euphoric state of glee right now.

Bullard is going to be a beast for the Bears. Get pumped.

Steel Panther Is The Only Concert You Need To See

I'm not a big concert guy. Outside of a deal at the fair in my hometown where you can go to six concerts for $40, I'm not sure if I've been to more than a handful of concerts, and two of those concerts were Weird Al and Wesley Willis. So, yeah, I'm not a concert guy. There's not many concerts that I would even want to see, but at the top of that list was Steel Panther, and good god, it was amazing.

First off, I guess I should let you know who Steel Panther is. They're the greatest rock group ever. In their simplest form, they are an 80s Hair Metal Band, just in present time. And you know how every 80s hair metal song was about sex, but they used innuendos? Steel Panther does the opposite in that they explain sex in the most gratuitous way possible. Seriously, one of their cleanest songs is called, "It Won't Suck Itself," because it's about getting bit by a snake and needing help getting the venom out. There are only two types of people in this world, people who have never heard of Steel Panther, and people who absolutely love Steel Panther. If you're not already, become a part of the latter group today.

Now I must admit that I am not somebody who gets excited in anticipation of things happening. Like, I'm heading to a wedding this weekend where my wife and I will see old friends, and it should be a good time. To my wife's disappointment, I can never say I'm excited by this. I know it'll be a good time, but the good time isn't here yet, and it's not something that I am building up in my head due to anticipation. I'm not filled with anticipation, so I don't get excited about these future events.

Steel Panther was the opposite of that.

Two weeks before the concert, I would just start thinking about it. I would be at work, listening to the songs and mouthing some of the dirtiest shit imaginable about gangbangs, Asians, and something that happens in adult films that rhymes with Moo Hockey, and I could feel it in my core, that excitement building. When we got to the week out mark, and I only listened to Steel Panther, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I knew Steel Panther would rock, and I was going to rock with them. There was no way it wouldn't be totally sweet.

Spoiler alert: It was totally sweet.

We got the opportunity to see Steel Panther at an ourdoor venue in downtown St. Petersburg on basically a perfect night with the night temperatures just dipping into the 70s. The venue was perfect for us as it was outdoors and probably had room for 1000 people. Beyonce played at Raymond James Stadium the night before, and I guarantee that her concert wasn't half the experience that Steel Panther provided.

Some dude opened up with his band and played for about a half hour. Finally, he said, "Alright, we got one more song (looks to his right)...wait, no more songs? Alright, we're done. Thank you, St. Petersburg!" The lesson is that you don't tell Steel Panther when you're done. They tell you when you're done.

After some set up, Steel Panther came on stage, and instantly rocked my ass off. They opened with "Eyes of a Panther," and it was on from there. Obviously, with songs like "Party Like Tomorrow Is The End of the World," "Death to All But Metal," and "Community Property," the show was obviously going to rock harder than anything that anyone could ever imagine, but they didn't just rely on how awesome their songs were. They put on a damn show.

For "Asian Hooker," they brought up an Asian girl and had choreography in the performance. For "Girl From Oklahoma," they brought up a random fan to serenade, and for "17 Girls in a Row," they brought up a bunch of girls and encouraged everyone to flash the audience (although only a few took them up on that offer).

And they took some breaks between songs to just have some fun banter. Now, explaining the banter would not be funny, as it was all sophomoric humor at best, but I was still laughing my face off at every goofy one liner. That's the thing with Steel Panther, you're there for a good time. You already like the guys in the band, so you'll find everything they say more charming and witty than you would a random stranger. It's the same way that priests get laughs at church. A priest has never said anything funny in the history of organized religion, but they always get those laughs from the congregation, because the congregation wants to like them. Steel Panther is like that, only like 100 billion times more awesome.

Steel Panther rocks harder than any band that has ever rocked. They make Guns N' Roses look like Winger. On top of this, they are ultimate showmen who entertain just as hard as they rock. I know what you're thinking, and I don't know how they're not the most popular band in the world either. But seriously, take advantage while you can see them with hundreds of like-minded people, because it is the only concert that you need to see.