All of My Thoughts on Fashion

I am a simple man, a minimalist, some might say. I do not consider myself fashion forward, but over the years, I have gone from embarrassing slob to publicly acceptable when I need to be, and that's quite an accomplishment. Because of this, I have lots of thoughts on fashion, whether it be for relaxing or maxing out your potential to pick up chicks, I feel I know enough to make recommendations while staying cheap as fuck.

Relaxing
Relaxing is an essential part of life. When people tell me they are just a "jeans and t-shirt sort of guy/girl," my immediate thought is, "Why so fancy?" The first thing you need to know is jeans suck for relaxing. Denim is a heavy material that isn't all that comfortable. I would rather relax in a pair of slacks than wear jeans. They suck, and you should really limit your use of them.

If you really want to relax. Hey, that t-shirt half of "jeans and a t-shirt" is a great start, but it isn't essential. The great thing about relaxing is being free of the burdensome feeling in our daily lives. Feel free to go shirtless, and yes, this does go for guys and gals. Let those puppies roam free, ladies. After that, it's all about the gym shorts. I love a good pair of gym shorts, but I am also particular about my gym shorts. I'm not any sort of baller, so I like my shorts short, nothing excessive, but they should be above the knee, anywhere from 2-6 inches probably. Also, as I was complaining about the heaviness of denim, the material for my gym shorts must be light. The shorts should caress your thighs like a warm breeze. Trust me on this.

As for footwear, you should know how to do this by now? Minimalist means no socks, ever. If I'm not dressing up, there is literally no reason to wear socks. Oh, your shoes will smell? Dr. Scholl will take care of that. You'll get blisters? Toughen up them tootsies, and then you'll be in the clear after a couple days. Socks are constrictive, and your feet need to breathe. Socks are worthless.

You know what I didn't mention? Underwear. That's because you don't need it. Be like Arnold and go Commando. You will not regret it.

Maxing
When you're dressing to the max, whether to impress in business or for a desired mate, color is your friend. People, especially white people, like to wear the blandest colors imaginable, so stand out and wear an orange, green, or pink to stand out from the crowd. You don't even need a fancy design, but just adding some color will make you look like a fly guy.

Although it is not recommended when relaxing, when maxing, underwear is important. Don't wear no boring ass tighty whities. Get yourself some comfortable and stylish underwear, because it is guaranteed to make you walk around with more swagger, and it's a nice surprise for a potential mate if you manage to convince someone to partake in some hibbity dibbity.

Finally, socks. I used to just wear plain socks and go about my day. This was a poor decision on my part. My buddy Chris tipped me off to the impact of socks, and getting socks that stand out is a great way to make people like you immediately for no real reason. It shows that you are bold, confident, and a little fun-loving, just by wearing socks that have a bit of flare to them. This is an inexpensive way to make an impact, and guys and gals around the world will be impressed with your fashion forward ways.

Oh, and one more thing: If you have to wear a tie of some sort, don't make it a bowtie. Those things are past their prime. Bolos are still hilarious, but I would recommend the ascot, as it is the most pretentious piece of neckwear.

And there you have it. You now know everything from relaxing to maxing about men's fashion. You are now the quintessential male of comfort and style. Congratulations.

Women Law Violation

So my buddy pointed me in the direction of the hashtag Women Law Violation on Twitter like a month ago. I found some amusing tweets, copied them, but couldn't think of anything entertaining at the time to say about the tweets, so they've just been sitting there, ready to be blogged. Well, today is the day that this blog becomes a reality. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you #WomenLawViolation.

drzarbaugh Dean R. Zarbaugh II 
Leaving the kitchen. #womenlawviolation

This is one I used to agree with, but now I vehemently disagree. Have I learned to become a feminist as I have matured? Oh, God no. But I would like to be a kept man, so I need my lady to be out there making that scrilla. Let's face it: I'm far too pretty to work.

inPHamICE Mr. Marcus 

wearing animal print clothes and youre bigger than the animal youre wearing #womenlawviolation

Oh, snap. Mr. Marcus is putting it down on large ladies wearing animal print. About a thousand people wrote this same thing, but I have to disagree again. In fact, if my financials were in order, I might hire a large lady in animal print to stand outside my house so I no longer had to worry about cougar attacks (the animals and the ladies).

stillaCOLEworld you follow, I lead. 

#womenlawviolation refusing to go down, but expecting to receive it.

Wait a sec...guys can do that to girls? Who knew? Must be something desperate guys do.

TheArabPrincess Your Royal Highness 

#WOMENLAWVIOLATION walking around the club barefoot

It may be a women law violation, but it could lead to hilarious results when used in West Coast Dance. Wait a second, this is actually still a very bad idea. My buddies like to break glass more than they like breaking serve. If you see West Coast Dancers at the club, please, keep your shoes on, or you might get lockjaw.

tripstah chris joyner 

@RickeySmiley Not greasing up under the titties #WOMENLAWVIOLATION

I don't even know what this one means, but I promise to never take a girl home until she can assure me that she is greased up under the titties.

bossy_chelle Marchelle Love

#womenlawviolation wearing colored draws with white pants

This is why I don't wear white pants, because I only own exotic underwear. Ladies, if you ever see me in white pants, you may want to throw water on me, because your eyes will get the thrill of a lifetime.

BobbyJComedy Bobby J. 
#WomenLawViolation Telling a Man you got that Wet-Wet but need KY Jelly to get you a jump start!

If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me that she got that wet-wet, I would have zero dollars as I have never heard that phrase before Bobby J's edgy comedy brought it to my attention. It is something that I am going to start asking girls anytime I dance with them at the clubs. I know my dance moves are quite amazing, so I'll be shocked if they don't got that wet-wet, hopefully to the point where they won't even need that KY-Jelly to give them a jumpstart.

-Joe

P.S. Zack Ryder has still got the spot, but Dolph Ziggler is making a hard charge to be the most entertaining wrestler in the WWE. I recommend everyone reads this interview, especially question five where he lets the world know that he's a Natural Light drinker. Natty is like the nWo...it's taking over.

Why I Wear Exotic Underwear

I am a man of sophistication, a man who is ultra smooth, but today, I will demonstrate how I am a man of style.  While many men live drab lives and wear clothes that do nothing to hide that, I am the complete opposite.  I am exotic, erotic, and it makes the ladies neurotic.  

Nowhere is this more exemplified than in my choice of underwear.  Do I wear tighty-whities?  I'm in my pimpin' prime, so those simply will not do.  Do I wear boxers?  Come on, I'm a man, not a teenage boy.  I have two choices when it comes to underwear, boxer briefs or nothing at all.  I know the ladies are excited by the latter thought, and trust me ladies, it happens more than you imagine.  

But I am not here to talk about the times that I let my guy fly free.  I'm here to talk about those boxer brief times.  There are certain times where I keep it simple and wear underwear that simply gets the job done.  But when I'm ready to go out on the prowl; I make sure that my sex appeal is at its apex.  This cannot be done without the proper underwear.

Imagine being me.  I know you're all extremely excited at this proposition, but calm down and try to follow along.  There I am, at the bar, commiserating with the lady that tickles my fancy.  Since I am a master of seduction, we head somewhere private, probably back to her place since I doubt she is ready to experience the majesty of my air mattress.  

When we get to her bedroom, she's excited, and who can blame her?  I am probably the most amazing person she's ever met.  When I drop trou and reveal my underwear, she realizes that every arrogant statement I made through the night is absolutely true.  Every statement about how it is a privilege that I considered her for love-making that night.  Every statement about the vigorous love I am going to make on her are all indisputable facts.  

 

By that time, she’ll be so mentally convinced that it’s going to be great, you don’t even have to deliver physically (although being the quintessential male that I am; I like to deliver for the sport of it).

But exotic underwear isn't just beneficial in sexual conquests, it can be used in business as well.  Whether you're applying for a job or trying to close that big deal, exotic underwear could be the difference between close but no cigar and getting the damn thing done.

In the 21st century, women have gained positions of power, and although many might think this is ludicrous, I am extremely excited as it will be easy for me to use this to my advantage.  If a woman has gained a position of power, it probably means she's extremely professional and wants to be treated with the utmost respect.  Hence, she'll probably be wearing something like this.

Some men would be intimidated by this, but I know that she's going to love me.  I'm a sexy dude, and I have questionable morals, what's not to love?  So there I am in a private meeting with a female in charge.  It will be very difficult for her to not notice how good looking I am.  Although I look great dressed up, she may try to press her luck and want to see what I look like dressed down.  Now the pathetic losers out there that wear tighty-whities or ordinary boxers will get nervous when asked to strip down in the middle of a business meeting.  Me?  I'll just smile and give her the show of a lifetime.  

I could strip down and reveal my bright pink boxer briefs, letting her know that I'm a man of passion and extreme confidence.

Maybe it's my clover underwear, which will not only make her realize how lucky she is right now, but also the good fortune that will come her way if we get this deal closed today.

Finally, it could be my glow in the dark underwear, which signifies that even when times are at their darkest, I'll be the guiding light to show them the way.

Any of these (or any of my other pairs) will be exactly what is necessary to get the job done when I am asked to strip down in a business setting.  Although I have never actually been asked to strip down in a job interview or a meeting with another company, I am prepared for it, as well as any situation that may present itself.  

Exotic Underwear:  Perfect for the bedroom...and the boardroom.

-Joe

P.S.  Surprisingly, when you look up exotic underwear on Google, most results talk about ladies underwear.  I guess you learn something new everyday.

P.P.S.  Iowa completed yet another undefeated Duals season on Sunday at Minnesota.  Here is an awesome video that will awesome you to awesomeland: