Monday, February 7, 2011

A True Love Story - How To Find The Perfect Thoroughbred Dimepiece

When it comes to picking up women, I have a problem.  Oh no, not an actual problem getting women, as I have demonstrated my prowess with women here, here, and here.  There are many great temporary ladies out there, but it is extremely difficult to find a long-term lady that can live up to my standards and satisfy my needs.  

Now it's plain as day that I am a good great looking guy.  Blind chicks can see that.  But the problem that I have is that society has set up regulations to make me hide my amazing body.  As great as my face is, my body is at least on the same level, and may even have a slight edge.  Trust me, whatever you're picturing right now, it's better.  Every morning, I thank the good lord when I look in the mirror and have the privilege to see excellence personified. 

Although I can't completely confirm this story, I do believe that one lady lucky enough to lay with me stared a little too long and her face began to melt like I was the Arc of the Covenant.  I was drunk, and the room was spinning, but I am 30% sure this happened.

But you get the point.  When I pop my shirt off, I am on another level of great looking human beings.  Trying to find a girl who can actually be on my level, both mentally and physically, is a Herculean task.  But note how I mentioned the mental part.  Luckily, I have brains to go with this incredible body, and because of that, I have come up with a flawless plan to find the perfect thoroughbred dimepiece.  

My big issue is that I need a place where I can show off my bodacious bod.  But I can't just go to some beach, because it will be filled with classless sluts.  I need to find myself a classy lady.  So here's my idea:  Beach Wedding.  You get a beautiful beach wedding, hotties all over the place, make sure there's plenty of booze, and let the good times roll.
But how am I going to con one of my buddies into having a beach wedding?  I'll admit, convincing a buddy to turn his wedding day into a meat market would be a hard sell, even for me.  Plus, there would be no guarantee that any of them could load it up with enough thoroughbred dimepieces for my satisfaction.  This is where the genius of my plan really begins to shine through, because this beach wedding will actually be my wedding.  Let's break it down.

STEP 1 - Find A Bride
Before I do anything else, I need to find a bride.  I can't just marry any old lady and have a beach wedding with her for the sole purpose of showing off my body.  The plan depends on me finding a certifiable hottie for this.  I need an intelligent gal for this plan, so ideally, I'll find a girl with the looks of Jessica Alba and the brains of Albert Einstein, only hotter and smarter.  

Although I am usually against it, I will be completely honest with this girl about my plan.  This beach wedding will be mutually beneficial as it doesn't just give me a chance to show off my goods, but also will give my bride a chance to show off hers.  She may reason that she could show off her stuff by wearing a skimpy outfit to the club.  But when girls go skimpy at the clubs, they do not attract quality men like myself, they attract brutes and morons.  If we have a wedding, her and her hottie friends will be able to show off their stuff while maintaining a classy image and land a classy guy.

STEP 2 - Scout For Talent
This plan only works with two charismatic personalities.  I will be in charge of supplying this wedding with good looking eligible bachelors, and she will be in charge of finding an plethora of hotties looking for a good time.  We get as many attractive people as possible so the options are out of control.  Combining our efforts, we should be able to create the world's sexiest wedding. 

STEP 3 - Wedding Day

As many of you know, I am kind of a wedding expert.  We get the wedding done as quickly as possible, because this reception will be the party of the century.  My bride looks great, I look amazing, and everybody's focus is right where it should be, on us.  Let's face it, ladies love married dudes, and combined with my being shirtless, it will be plain for all the ladies to see that I am the quintessential male. 

To make this look legit, we will go through all the steps to make it like a real marriage, even stuffing the cake in each other’s faces.  This is where things get interesting.  Pretty soon, my bride and I are feeling pretty buzzed.  We're laughing and making jokes about being married until I casually drop a line about how we should check out the Honeymoon Suite.  She agrees, and once we make it up there, I make vigorous love on her.  When she finds out what a durable lover I am, she’ll realize I am the embodiment of perfection.  

You see, my plan was never so simple that I was just going to get intoxicated and make love on whatever women tickled my fancy.  I found the right woman right away, and I never had to wine and dine her, because we skipped right to the wedding.  I may be superficial, but I figure she’ll do for the next ten years, you know, until she starts showing the signs of aging.  Then it'll be time for her to hit the curb.  Tough break for her, but even after those ten years, I’ll still be a ripped machine, so I can easily repeat the process.   

Now that’s a true love story.


P.S.  Yes, I realize this idea could be turned into a romantic comedy.

P.P.S.  Dave Bing may be the most polite mayor in the USA, but I really hope he changes his stance on this issue:
Mayor Dave Bing
@ There are not any plans to erect a statue to Robocop. Thank you for the suggestion.

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