Tuesday, January 18, 2011

15 Steps To Running Like A Pimp

So I try to convince most people that I run in the winter because I need to keep my top notch cardio.  That's only partially true.  Although staying in shape is part of the reason, it's definitely only a secondary reason at best.  My primary rule to running like a pimp is to satisfy my own vanity, because I love me some me.  Although Jay-Z may think that pimpin' ain't easy, a true pimp like myself never sweats it.  Let me take you through all of the steps I go through in order to maximize my swagger while running.

1.  Take a Dump - It doesn't matter if I feel absolutely nothing deep in my bowels, I sit on the can until I can squeeze something out.  This is a necessity, because if I don't do this, I will have to poop within five minutes of my run beginning, and that is the worst.  How does this relate to my vanity?  Not only do I feel sexier after I get that out of my system, but I also get rid of any bloatedness, making me look extra fit.  I know most of the ladies out there are thinking that I always look perfect, but this just helps me reach a higher level of perfection.
2.  Get Naked - A lot of people may strip down to their underwear before they put on their running clothes, but since I rarely wear underwear, I strip completely nude.  This is the first, but certainly not the last, that I check myself out in the mirror.  And trust me ladies, it's miraculous.

3.  Boxer Briefs  (Old School) - I first put on an old (and very tight) pair of white boxer briefs.  I want to use an old pair, because there's no need to dirty up a good pair of underwear for a run.  Sure some of them have holes in them, but the tightness keeps me snug and stops me from bouncing around.  This is very crucial for a run.  It's also a great time to check myself out in the mirror, as the white boxer briefs accentuate my gorgeous...skin.

4.  Spandex Pants - Now it's time for my black Under Armour spandex pants.  I usually give a good flex here, as the pants help accentuate my v-shape upper body.  Plus, the spandex makes my naturally great looking legs really pop in the mirror.  It's a sight to behold.

5.  Starter Dry-Fit - It's just like Under Armour only extremely thin.  It's not the best for keeping a person warm, but it is great for making my muscles pop.  At this point, I embody the athletic ideal.  I have the legs of a black man, and the heart of a scrappy white guy.  This is when the sight of my jacked bod gets me pumped for the upcoming run.

6.  Outer Underwear - I put on an extra pair of outer underwear, because, quite honestly, sometimes my junk gets cold, and this prevents that.  Cold junk is the worst.  I'll admit to having cold junk on a secluded bike trail and finding the only cure sticking my hand down my own pants as I run.  I'm not proud of this, but I'm also not ashamed.  It's never for pleasure, just for dong survival. A true pimp always takes care of his number one guy.
Now with this outer underwear, I've tried bright pairs so I could look like a superhero, but this plan was a total failure.  It turns out I just look mentally challenged.  This is the one step where I do not look at myself in the mirror.

7.  Shorts - I can basically use any pair that isn't black, because I like to contrast my pants and shirt so I really pop when I'm out on the streets.  It's also a tad depressing, because my vanity really starts going downhill after the Starter dry-fit. 

8.  Under Armour - Some would say I use it because I need the warmth, but moreso, I wear it, because I can't fight the urge to protect this house.  Click clack bitches.

9.  Bright T-shirt - Because I pop, and I don't stop.
10.  Socks - I hate wearing socks, but they are a necessity in this weather, so I figure I might as well go all out.  I wear an obnoxious pair of bright green rugby socks.  And for the record, I did not buy a pair of green rugby socks, I earned them by playing on a rugby team back in the day.  This is my final look in the mirror.

11.  Heavy Stretching - My stretching puts a heavy emphasis on my groin and hips.  My groin can get tight on me, so I do that for my pleasure.  I stretch my hips, because ladies love a man with loose hips.  And trust me, when I'm done, I'm like Shakira; my hips don't lie.
12.  Shoes - This is where I could say something clever like:  I like my shoes how I like my women - tied up with little circulation.  But it seems like a lot of work to tie up women, and it's not like any girl would be crazy enough to pass up an opportunity at this so it's not a necessity.  Anyway, what was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, shoes.  Yeah, I got a pair of running shoes, and they treat me well.  I prefer a double knot to keep it tight.

13.  Headband and Gloves - Yes, I love headbands.  They are awesome.  And I am cool enough to pull the look off.  And the gloves, well, they keep my hands warm.  There's really no other explanation needed on those.

14.  iPod - There's two different directions you can go with your music.  For the most part, I go with pump up music.  Hatebreed is ideal, and even though it's easy listening in comparison, Metallica has treated me well lately.  Sometimes, you can just go into complete zone out and listen to chill music, but that's much tougher to do in the winter time, and for amateurs, I recommend sticking with the hardcore stuff.

15.  Just Run - A lot of people like to set out distances when they run.  A true pimp doesn't need a distance.  A true pimp doesn't need a path.  A true pimp just runs.  If you don't know where you're going, that's a good way to get some place you've never been.  Sure, sometimes this leads to me accidentally going 20 miles, but usually it just means that I go for a relaxing run where I don't need to think about the running, I can just enjoy the moment.  

You see, a true pimp like myself doesn't always need the company of a woman.  I can just love me some me.  After that, the ladies will follow my lead.

Now that's big pimpin.


P.S.  Warning:  Running like a pimp will cause women (and some men) to both hoot and holler at you.  If you're not prepared for this kind of attention, do not follow these instructions.  Many of the ladies will find you irresistible even before you run your pickup gambits on them. 

P.P.S.  To run like a pimp in the summertime, just pop your shirt off and enjoy the attention.

P.P.P.S.  Speaking of pimps, Shonn Greene is another true pimp.  Sure his run to ice the game was great, but he could have easily been called for multiple excessive celebration penalties after the touchdown.  Not only did he take a nap on the ball, but he, and all his teammates flew around like Jets in the endzone.  That's another example of big pimpin.

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