Why Iowa Won

Iowa dominated Michigan State in every facet of football. Since most of the positives are pretty obvious, here are some things that may have been overlooked:

1. The offensive line gets so much better each and every week. It’s a shame that there is no substitution to playing games to help an offensive line’s cohesiveness, but they are without a doubt the most improved area of Iowa’s team.
2. It’s good to have Tarp playing again, and although most people didn’t notice his impact, he was extremely valuable. Where Wisconsin was able to carve up the middle of the field in the passing game, Michigan State mainly threw towards the sidelines when he was in the game.
3. That being said, I am extremely excited for the progression of James Morris. Not as excited as Matt Millen is, but still, I’m really excited.
4. Ryan Donahue: Impact Player.
5. Saving the best for last, even though great adjustments weren’t necessary for this game, let’s face it; it’s good to have Norm back.

Since no game is perfect, here are two things that bothered me:
1. The Tyler Sash lateral to Micah Hyde. Yes, I know it was probably the most exciting play of the season, but that doesn’t mean it was a good decision. Sash made the interception, giving Iowa all the momentum, so even if he’s tackled after a short return, everybody on Iowa is pumped. If Hyde fumbles that lateral and Michigan State recovers, it deflates the defense. They did what they needed to do, but still have to stay out on the field. Meanwhile, Michigan State gains confidence, because they got away with one. It’s just a little too high risk for my tastes, but yes, it was awesome.
2. I also hated the late first half timeouts by Ferentz. If there’s a minute left, and he’s able to stop the clock, it makes sense, but with 15 seconds, it’s just a waste of time as we saw. The upside is minuscule, and the downside is much higher.
3. When Michigan State conceded the game and put in their backup QB, there was NO reason for any starters to be in the game at that point.

Now onto things that bothered me about the coaching of Mark D’Antonio.
1. On point number two, I believe D’Antonio made a huge gaffe by not using a play action pass on either third or fourth down at the end of the half. Use play action to throw the ball deep, because most likely Iowa’s coverage would not be expecting it and with that little time, you don’t have to worry about stopping the clock as opposed to forcing Iowa to use a timeout. Down 30-0, that’s a call you need to make.
2. Also, in the second half, I think sticking with your normal offense until at least the fourth quarter, but you need to take chances on special teams. If Iowa’s punting, you can’t just send a solid rush, you need to send the house at them.
3. How do you not at least attempt an onside kick after scoring your first touchdown? I’m sure Iowa was at least somewhat prepared for it, but you at least have to try.

Before the season, I wrote a post on why there was no reason that Iowa couldn’t go to the national title game this year. Obviously, things didn’t work out that way, but that doesn’t mean that this isn’t a special Iowa football team. Last year’s team was great, and we also had some good ones in 2003 and during the Drew Tate era. But this is the first time since 2002 that Iowa doesn’t just have the talent to beat good teams; they can go out and dominate them. Yes, this team is that good.

This team may have lost two games, but as I said last week, the Rose Bowl is still a possibility. Enjoy the rest of this season, because at a program like Iowa’s, teams this talented only come around once every eight years.

-Joe

P.S. I was going to put the fans as a negative for stupidly chanting overrated, but they made up for it with the USA chant after the game.

P.P.S. Reason I should not have cable: I stayed up until 2:30 AM so I could watch Under Siege. It is a great film.

College Football Thoughts

Alright, got a bunch of thoughts on sports today, with a heavy emphasis on tomorrow's game between Iowa and Michigan State.

First off, some analysis of what I noticed from Michigan State last week against Northwestern:
On the defensive side of the ball, they weren't very impressive against Northwestern. The one player that stood out was defensive tackle Jerel Worthy. He was the lineman that was really disrupting things in the passing game for them, but they didn't get much pressure from the outside during the game. With Iowa's offensive line looking better each game, Stanzi should have time to make plays in the passing game.

Even though he wasn't great last week, Greg Jones is a beast at middle linebacker. He was all over the field last year against the Hawkeyes and has been all over the field for most of his career at Michigan State. Brett Morse is a good blocking fullback, and he's going to have to be if A-Rob is going to have a good day.

Kirk Cousins isn't the greatest decision maker for a quarterback. He's not bad, but he will try forcing throws and he'll try to make something happen under pressure. Last year, this would have been a huge advantage for the Hawkeyes with how great Edds and Angerer were in coverage. This year, not so much, but Greenwood and Sash are both playmakers at safety, and I expect them to have their chances on Saturday.

I'm not sure how much of it was Northwestern's defense and how much of it was Michigan State's offense, but MSU's runs to the outside were not successful. Their stretch plays just seemed to take a long time to develop and they weren't able to seal off the outside at all.

As for their running backs, LeVeon Bell doesn’t look very explosive on his runs. It lmost looks like he’s jogging out there. I think Edwin Baker does a good job of keeping his legs driving, and is a much bigger threat in the ground game.

Now onto more random team thoughts:
Prince Amukamara has the same problem this year that he has last year. He takes chances early on, and he doesn’t have the pure speed to make up for mistakes when he does that. That's fine if you have safety help behind you, but he's taking chances when he's on an island. If he doesn’t play safer coverage, he’ll continually get beat deep. That being said, Justin Blackmon is a total stud, but he should probably stop driving drunk.

I only caught the end of the Florida State-NC State game last night, but Christian Ponder is at least a solid QB prospect. On that drive, he was able to scan the field while maintaining good pocket presence and mobility. He made a terrible fumble at the end, but he's a guy I'd like to watch against a good defense to see how he handles things. Unfortunately, he's in the ACC, so I'll have to wait for his bowl game to actually see that.

If you like football, you should definitely be reading the National Football Post. One of their main writers is former Iowa Safety, Matt Bowen. And if you don't like reading, they also have a podcast, where they discuss the pro game, the college game, and Bowen even discusses Buried Alive matches. It's awesome.

Speaking of NFP, here are some great tips for coverage techniques that should greatly help your next flag football team.

I think that's all I got for today. And I'm really hoping I don't have to write another impromptu post to explain why Iowa lost this week.

-Joe

P.S. Jersey Shore may be over, but you can still go through some great memories by checking this out which includes many stupid Situation faces like this one:

MTV and the 2010-11 Chicago Bulls

The Chicago Bulls season tips off tomorrow, and I figured I would give you a completely biased (and possibly horribly uninformed) look at this year's team. Since some people think I go overboard on pop culture and others hate it when I talk about sports, I have decided to tie in every Chicago Bulls player with someone on MTV so everybody can be happy (or everyone will hate it).

Omer Asik - How do you spell baller in Turkish? I bet every Turkish sportswriter knows from covering the crowned jewel of Turkey. Asik is probably the biggest celebrity coming out Turkey since Tarkan, you know the singer who some consider the "Prince of Pop." Wait, you didn't know? Geez people, get some culture and watch MTV Turkey every now and then. Back to Asik, he's going to be a beast off the bench, crashing boards, blocking shots, and probably banging multiple members of the Luvabulls. Expect him to be a candidate for the sixth man award.

Keith Bogans - Last I heard he was are starting shooting guard for opening night. Expect him to be like Puck on defense, because he is going to be causing all sorts of problems for opposing offenses. Being from Kentucky, this guy knows a thing or two about horses. If you're looking to pick a dark horse for an All-Star selection, look no further than this former Wildcat.

Carlos Boozer - His last name is Boozer. His brother went to Iowa State. Hey, we all have relatives we aren't proud of, can't hold that against him. Expect this guy to take full advantage of the night life in Chicago until he goes on a double date with Slutty & J-Cutty and meets the woman of his dreams, Lo from The Hills. Expect him to make the All-Star team.

Ronnie Brewer - Could there be a better team of players than Boozer and Brewer? Gar Forman, you magnificent bastard; this is a match made in Heaven. Brewer never gets tired as he survives strictly off Ron-Ron Juice, and you should see this fool at the club. There's something about Ronnies that dominate the club life.
Expect this guy to be the NBA's best wingman.

Luol Deng - This guy is the Ronnie-Sammi relationship. Everyone wants to get rid of it, but it's still there, hanging around, with occasional entertainment. Expect Deng's season to be the more exciting moments of Ron-Ron triple kissing two grenades instead of the times where Sammi got angry at nothing. Expect an All-Star selection for this handsome Devil (Get it? Because he went to Duke, so he was a Blue Devil. Yeah? Yeah.)

Taj Gibson - Weird name? Gritty? Scary to run into at night? Probably banged The Miz? Check, check, check, and well, hopefully not a check, but yes, Taj Gibson is the Coral of the Chicago Bulls. Expect him to lead the NBA in flagrant fouls, because he doesn't wrestle, he beats bitches up.

James Johnson - Yeah, poor James Johnson is definitely Brandon from this year's challenge. He's really trying his best to stay on the team, but the Bulls are looking for any reason to get rid of him. He was the Bulls first round pick, but they still nearly declined his option for this year. If the NBA institutes a gulag, wait for mad hysteria when James Johnson takes out Brian Cardinal. Otherwise, expect him to be the Mateen Cleaves of the Chicago Bulls.

Kyle Korver - Korver is unfortunately Dunbar. He appears to have all the tools to be great, but they both have fatal flaws that relegate them to role players. Korver can't play defense, and Dunbar is so uncoordinated that he would have a heart attack if he tried chewing gum while tying his shoes. Still, expect Korver to win the NBA 3-Point Shootout.

Joakim Noah - This is the easiest comparison as Noah is so clearly the Snooki of the Chicago Bulls. People who don't watch the show immediately hate Snooki and don't understand her appeal. She's not attractive, she's not smart, she really doesn't have much personality. There's no reason to like Snooki, yet she has captured the hearts of America. The same is true of Noah. Fans of other teams hate Noah and thinks he sucks. But they don't get it. He's not a great scorer, he's not terribly athletic, and he's certainly not attractive, but he is so much better than the sum of his parts. He hustles his ass off, and he has captured the hearts of Chicago Bulls fans. Expect him to be named Defensive Player of the Year.

Derrick Rose - The essential piece of the Chicago Bulls can be summed up in the NBA and MTV terms by three simple letters: M...V...P. Mike, Vinny, and Pauly provided all the entertainment for Season 2 of Jersey Shore, and expect Derrick Rose to do the same for the Chicago Bulls. The parallels are eerie as they were great in season one, but they showed a new swagger in season two. Expect Rose to have that same swagger as he cruises to NBA MVP.

Brian Scalabrine - Fucking worthless like Angelina. Expect him to be released by December.

Kurt Thomas - Thomas is like Derrick from all the challenges. He's gritty as all hell, but he never had the team around him to ever actually pull off the victory. Finally, Derrick won a challenge; expect the same fate for Kurt Thomas this year. Expect him to be NBA's Man of the Year.

C.J. Watson - Since he is backing up MVP, I think the most logical character is Jose from Jersey Shore. Watson also has an affinity for impressing his ladies with the finest of watches that Fossil has to offer, at $59.95, he knows how to treat a lady. Still, if we never see him, that'll mean that our MVP is tearing things up, and that's a good thing. Expect him to team up with Sylvia Fowles of the WNBA's Chicago Sky to win the Two-on-two competition during NBA's All-Star Weekend.

This is either the dumbest or most brilliant article I have ever written.

-Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco just had puppies. Could there be any event more geared towards me in the history of the universe? I doubt it. Take a deep breath before looking at the picture, because it may be an overload of cuteness:

Why Iowa Lost

The Iowa Hawkeyes lost to the Wisconsin Badgers today. Let's get this part out of the way: That sucks.

After Iowa converted a fourth and one on a quarterback sneak with twelve seconds left, they easily could have gotten reset, spiked the ball and barely lost anytime on the clock while keeping their final timeout. Instead Kirk Ferentz decided to use the Hawkeyes last timeout. This was a bad decision.

After the timeout, Wisconsin did a good job of creating pressure and Stanzi tried to make a play. Instead of just throwing the ball away, he dumped it to Adam Robinson who was tackled inbounds, and time ran out. Hence, every Hawkeye fan's reaction was that Kirk Ferentz blew the game with poor clock management.

So let's pretend that Kirk didn't use that timeout. There's now 11 seconds left and Stanzi completes that pass to Adam Robinson, and the Hawkeyes use their final timeout after he is unable to get out of bounds. Iowa is left to try a 52 or 53 yard field goal with a true Freshman kicker who wasn't even originally offered a scholarship. That's not the best odds for a win right there.

As easy as it is to blame Ferentz for his time management gaffe, the biggest reason the Hawkeyes lost is they failed to execute on special teams. They left four easy points on the board, and when you're playing a team that is as evenly matched as Wisconsin, you simply can't do that. I was more upset that Iowa gave up the easiest fake punt in the history of college football. When there are only seven minutes left, and each drive is taking at least five minutes, you have to be aware of that possibility. And as much as I like Colin Sandeman, he isn't such an explosive returner that you need to give him a chance to take it to the house every time.

Another reason the Hawkeyes lost is that Wisconsin got yards when they needed them. The front seven slowed down the Wisconsin rushing attack, but in second and short, or third and short situations, Wisconsin never seemed to fail to convert the first down. Bravo to the Wisconsin offensive line and John Clay for consistently running through arm tackles.

Back to the end of the game. I know this is blasphemous, but maybe Kirk Ferentz is just bad at clock management. In the 2005 Capital One Bowl, it's not like Ferentz's clock management was brilliant. In fact, his inability to use his timeouts was a far more egregious error than today's mistake was. But Warren Holloway completed a miracle catch from Drew Tate, so all was forgiven and forgotten. Kirk is a coach that focuses intently on every aspect of what happens on the football field. That's a great characteristic. Still, sometimes he gets wrapped up into what is going on in the game and doesn't have time to fully analyze the best way to utilize timeouts. As much as Iowa fans want to believe he is, Ferentz is not a perfect coach, but he's a damn good one.

The Hawkeyes may have lost today, but if they win out, and Wisconsin loses one game, guess what? The Hawkeyes are smelling roses on the way to Pasadena. Iowa Hawkeyes, 11-2, Rose Bowl Champions, I'm not quite ready to call this season a disappointment.

-Joe

P.S. I'm not saying I'm always rational, as I still nearly threw my remote control through my TV when the game ended.

UFC 121 Picks

I haven't shown my awful prognostication skills in quite a while, so I figured that I might as well give it a try at the UFC event tomorrow night. I have no clue on a bunch of these matches, and since my research only makes me look like more a jackass, I've decided to just shoot from the hip and hope for the best.

Jon Madsen vs. Gilbert Yvel - Madsen will be able to take him down fairly easily, and he will be able to ground and pound his way to a decision.
Pick: Madsen

Chris Camozzi vs. Dongi Yang - With a name like Dongi Yang, he's probably used to get beaten up a lot. Expect that to continue as the more American sounding Camozzi puts a beating on him.
Pick: Camozzi

Mike Guymon vs. Daniel Roberts - Guymon looks really old, so I'll assume he fights like Ken Shamrock. That's not a good thing.
Pick: Roberts

Sam Stout vs. Paul Taylor - A dirty Canadian vs. a dirty Redcoat (is it too far past the Revolutionary War to keep calling British people Redcoats? I hope not). I'll take the dirty Canadian since he at least trains in America.
Pick: Stout

Patrick Cote vs. Tom Lawlor - Tom Lawlor once died his hair and grew a mustache for a fight so he could look like Dan Severn. That's really cool. Does that make him a better fighter? Probably not, but I certainly can't pick a dirty Canuck.
Pick: Lawlor

Ryan Jensen vs. Court McGee - Ryan Jensen trains at my gym. I have never spoken a word to him, and I might have trouble picking him out of a lineup of white guys who appear to weigh around 200 pounds. Still, we train in the same space, so maybe some of my greatness has rubbed off on him.
Pick: Jensen

Gabriel Gonzaga vs. Matt Schaub - Schaub got knocked out by Roy Nelson and then has beaten two guys that aren't very good. Gabriel Gonzaga once kicked Cro Cop so hard in the head that he hurt Cro Cop's ankle.
That's some scary shit.
Pick: Gonzaga

Matt Hamill vs. Tito Ortiz - Tito says that Matt Hamill is deaf so he has a soft head. This has no basis in actual science, so it's kind of like saying that chicks dig me, therefore I have extremely sharp elbows. The first part may be true, but it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the second part. Because Tito is weak in science (and skill), Hamill wins.
Pick: Hamill

Diego Sanchez vs. Paulo Thiago - Diego also trains at my gym. One time I gave him water when he was thirsty. He thanked me profusely for it, because he was really thirsty. I think this makes us best friends. I'm definitely not picking against my best friend.
Pick: Sanchez

Martin Kampmann vs. Jake Shields - Everybody is positioning this as a showcase fight for Shields so he can challenge GSP for the title. It is, but they gave him a really dangerous opponent. Kampmann is very good standing and on the ground. Still, his wrestling is not on the same level as Jake Shields's. I think he can get him to the ground and use his top control to win the fight.
Pick: Shields

Brock Lesnar vs. Cain Velasquez - This is the ultimate matchup of bad tattoo ideas. Brock Lesnar with the sword on his chest, and Velasquez with a tattoo that just says "Brown Pride". These guys really should have consulted Aleksander Emelianenko when it came to their tattoo ideas.
Jesus Christ, that is by far the coolest tattoo ever. That is the reason I cannot get a tattoo, because no matter what I got, it would not be as cool as that. Look at it. It is the god-damned Grim Reaper holding a baby. There's bats flying in the background. It's got some crazy Latin saying up top. And even the baby is badass as it is carrying a dagger and could slit the grim reaper's throat at any minute. Lesnar, Velasquez, your tattoos are fucking awful. Still, somebody's got to win.
Pick: Velasquez

-Joe

P.S. Even as a Hawkeye, I have to admit that Iowa State's new logo is fucking awesome, and I highly recommend that everyone click on that link.

The Grappling Tournament

I got to the tournament, and it is really a lot of sitting around. My division was the last division to go, so I got to sit back, relax and watch other people get all grapply with each other. Finally, after hours of watching grappling, my division was finally called upon. The only problem was that they forgot to put me in the bracket, so I became a last second replacement for some guy named Bye.

When my match was coming up, I'll admit the anticipation got to me, and I peed a little bit before the matches started. For me, it's not so much nerves as it is more than I just get really anxious for things to start. I hope no rich ladies who want to support me financially read this and are turned off by it, but hell, a little pee never hurt anybody. I could keep it in if I focused, but I like to stay relaxed so if a little squirts out, it ain’t gonna phase me.

Before I get into the matches, I just want to apologize. When I was grappling, I was not thinking about the blog, and that was inconsiderate of me. My matches were boring. Super boring. Basically, imagine the most boring MMA fight you have ever seen, and then take away all the strikes. These were my grappling matches, and I’m sorry for that. Hence, I’ll only go over the highlights of my matches.

Match One – I shot in on a single, held there for about two minutes, finally finished my takedown, and nothing else happened. Hence, I won the match.

This is when I learned how tiring grappling really is. After that first match, my entire upper body was burning. My arms were shaking so badly that I could barely drink water without spilling on myself. I just took deep breaths and tried to recover as much as I could in the time between matches.

Match Two – I took on a guy who got a bye in the first round. I took the lead early with a takedown, he tied it up, and then scored with fifteen seconds left. If he wouldn’t have had a bye, I probably would have won, but that’s just a weak ass excuse. I didn’t do what I needed to do.

Match Three – Douchebag kid takes a lead on me late. He had me in his guard, so I picked him up and slammed him. It looked something like this.
Except not really since I only slammed him from my knees, but the kid reacted like that is what happened. I almost got disqualified for it, but there were only like twenty seconds left, and he took two minutes to recover and then just held onto me for the win. The good news from this match is he was unable to continue in the tournament. So basically, I’m a rule-breaking monster who hurts people. Yes, this was definitely the highlight of my tournament. And honestly, I had a ton of people come up to me and say that my slam was great and that the kid I was facing was just a whiny little bitch, so that was nice.

Afterwards, I ended up talking with my coach for about half an hour. He told me that I was the person that they were least worried about coming into the tournament, because I looked so dominant in practice. This is good that I looked dominant, but it’s also a way of saying that I was kind of a disappointment in the tournament. Still, my coach suggested that I start going to the 10:30 class which is the invite-only class that all the pros go to. Am I going to go to that class? God no. That class would interfere with my pretty, and ain’t nothing gonna interfere with my pretty.

The tournament was a really good experience. I learned a ton, and I realized my biggest mistake was that I just didn’t have enough swagger going into it. If I would have gone in with the attitude that nobody was going to submit me no matter what I did, I could have ran through people and made it to the finals, but instead I played it safe. I was facing guys who had somewhere between two and six times as much experience as me, yet I was never in any danger. My problem was that I made minor mistakes that cost me matches. A wild pace with lots of scrambles can lead to bad things, but it’s also when I’m at my best because I almost always end up in a better position when a scramble is involved. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

Also, did I mention that I injured a guy? Yeah, that was awesome.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody is interested, I'm not sure what my body weight was on the day of the tournament, but I was back up to 148 by Monday, and I'm at 150 right now.

P.P.S. I’ve got a lot of pop culture coming next week, so if you thought my life was boring to read about, don’t worry, I’ve got some good social commentary already planned out.

The Weight Cut: Week 2

It’s pretty funny that my weight is going to be 140 after this cut considering that I graduated high school at 143; I had basically zero muscle mass, and you probably could have described my body back then as petite. The way I am getting there is tuna and rice in the morning, tuna and rice in the afternoon, drinking nothing but distilled water, and a protein shake at night. I've found that if I only have seven ounces at a time, I can turn my regular protein shake into two smaller meals at night. Yes, seven ounces of protein shake has turned into a legit meal for me.

It’s Tuesday, and my weight is getting better. Since we have a messed up scale, I am approximately 146 Coach told me that I’m not filling out my shirts as well, so I guess that’s a positive, but I probably look like even more of a little bitch right now.

By Wednesday night, things are definitely getting a little depressing. I had a shitty practice which didn’t help, but I’m just in a funk right now. I’m weaker than normal, and I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s kind of like a bad drunk where I really can’t function to my full capabilities; I realize I’m fucked up, but I can’t really do anything about it, so I’m like in Zombie Drunk mode. I watched the movie MacGruber and thought it was really good. It might have been funny, but it definitely could have sucked and I was just in a giggly mood. This paragraph might not make sense to people, but I’m not going to edit it when I get back to full strength. I think that makes this artsy.

I also decided to screw over the system and sign up for a free trial membership at Midtown Sports & Wellness. This place is off the chain nice, but I have a zero chance of actually joining. I usually feel guilty about this, but they made me wait like fifteen minutes before somebody helped me, so I am doing this guilt free. Basically, I needed to have a place with a working scale, and I also needed a place that had a sauna for my cut on Friday. Their usual deal is three days, but I went in and got five, because I’m sexy. God bless my good looks.

On Thursday, I had an average breakfast, a light lunch, and a protein shake for dinner. I’m hungry all the time, but nothing interesting happened on Thursday since I just did 45 minutes on a bike to get a little sweat going.

Friday was judgment day, and it started at 5AM when I was a good guy and took my roommate to the airport. I then had my first of two protein shakes for the day. Then, at 3:00, I went to the gym to see how much I needed to sweat out in the sauna. I was at 143, so it wasn’t going too bad of a sweat. It’s just that my body was already drained from a lack of nourishment, but I knew that being this close I could sweat off the rest. Honestly, the sauna was pretty relaxing. I just took a book in with me and read to pass the time so it went by pretty quick. I got done with two rounds and was just slightly over. Then the most glorious thing ever happened; I had to pee. My weight dropped .4 pounds which would have made me safe according to the scale, but I decided I’d do one more quick round just in case the scale was off. I got down to 139.2 before making my hour drive up to Rio Rancho.

I was worried about being horribly undernourished and dehydrated for the drive, but the sauna actually made me feel better than I had earlier in the day. I made it up to the place, checked in, and got on the scales, 139.2. I decided to get a professional drawing of myself at this weight, and here is how it turned out:
For some reason, they made me slightly tanner, and replaced my Seattle Storm gym bag with a suitcase.

I managed to drop 13 pounds in 12 days. I’m not gonna lie; it fucking sucked, but it was still good to go through that. After I weighed in, I had four dinners spread out by an hour and a half each. It was the happiest I have been in the last two weeks. So I did it, congratulations to me. Wait…what? I have to compete tomorrow? Fuck. Well, I’ve got weight cutting skills, and tomorrow will tell me whether I have some grappling skills.

-Joe

P.S. I wasn't lying about having a Seattle Storm gym bag. I love that thing.

P.P.S. Although a lot of people have probably already seen this, and even though it's long, I would definitely take a look at this profile of a former NFL agent by SI.

The Weight Cut: Week 1

If there's one thing I know about women, it's that each and every one of them thinks that they're overweight. Well ladies, I got great news for you; I am going to show you how to lose twelve pounds in twelve days. You might even be able to lose more, because I had to trim weight off a body that is pure twisted steel and sex appeal, while you have a body that is pure jello lady. So here is my retro diary on my first week of weight cutting.

It's Wednesday, and weight cutting is not fun. I knew this going into it, but I thought it would be a good experience that I could look back on and laugh. Currently, I feel no reason for laughter. I basically gave myself twelve days to cut twelve pounds (from 152 to 140). The first three days, I have been trimming down my meals. It’s not that I’m in pain, but I am hungry, and I don’t like being hungry. Honestly, things have been pretty smooth so far, but it’s only the beginning.

After three days of dieting my way, I finally got some advice from one of my coaches, Little John. Now breakfast is my biggest meal, lunch is my second biggest, and dinner is either extremely small or just a protein shake. I’m trying to cut out all solids after 5:00, so that’s kind of a bummer.

Thursday was actually a pretty solid day for me considering everything. I’ve been limiting my food intake, and Thursdays are always the roughest practice of the week, but I absolutely flew through all the conditioning and picked up some snazzy sweeps from guard when we worked on technique. Despite being hungry and having legs that already felt exhausted, I went for a four-mile run that night.

On Friday, I woke up and had a big meal of angel hair pasta and tuna with some sauce to top it off. This is not a glamorous meal, but this is the biggest meal that I have had this week so it was a great delight. After that meal settled, I went for a six mile run around noon. I wanted to get a good run in when the sun was really beating down to try to burn off as much weight as possible. My legs were sore going into it, but I persevered and ended up having a solid, though not spectacular, run. For lunch, my meal got blander as I had brown rice and tuna. Yep, that’s it. But here is the best thing about cutting weight: Every meal tastes awesome. I devoured that meal like it was Benihana. A little after that, I demeaned myself and went to Wal-Mart to weigh myself, because the scale at my gym is unreliable. Let me say, it is extremely awkward to take your wallet, keys, and cell phone out of your pocket, kick off your shoes, and weigh yourself at a Wal-Mart while a 250 pound woman with a cane just stares at you. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t move, she just stared. The good news is that I’m at 148. As long as I’m at 145 or lower, it shouldn’t be an awful day in the sauna when I hit it up on Friday. I’m definitely happy with my progress so far, but each pound is going to get harder and harder to lose.

On Saturday, I went for a three mile run, because I didn't have the energy for more. Saturday night was a depressing experience as I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with my buddy to watch his Oregon State Beavers and my Iowa Hawkeyes. The games turned out well, but I had to order a water and a salad at Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm pretty sure all the waitresses thought I was a fruit.

On Sunday, I ran another four miles before the NFL games started. It's really sad how good all food looks when watching commercials. I can honestly say that at this moment, the Taco Bell Big Box looks like the most glorious thing ever. Watching that commercial, I got a semi. I know that I would have to sit on the toilet while eating that meal, because it would literally drop straight through my system, but Goddamn, at the time, it seems totally worth it.

************

And that's week one of my cut, approximate weight is 147-148 after cutting down on my meals. The first week wasn't awful as I had my pasta, sauce and tuna combo, my brown rice and tuna, and I also allowed myself to have cereal until my milk ran out. My meals get smaller and blander in week two.

-Joe

P.S. I would like to thank the show Mad Men for trying to get me addicted to heroin by describing it in the most awesome way possible. If this doesn't make you want to try heroin, then absolutely nothing will: “It’s like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits.” I think I could be pretty satisfied by a lot of activities if someone licked my tits while I was doing it, but maybe that's just me.

P.P.S. Yes, I went to Fat Chicks in Party Hats to get the image at the top.

I Should Be An Ultimate Fighter

Just kidding. That title was only to get people’s attention. I am far too big of a wuss to ever consider competing in MMA. I currently have very little desire to get punched in the face; I’ve heard that you need to do that to be a fighter, so it’s probably not for me.

On the other hand, since moving to Albuquerque, I have started taking submission grappling (submission grappling is best summed up by saying that it is basically MMA (UFC) without any of the striking) classes at Jackson’s MMA. For those of you who are fans of MMA, you’ve probably heard the name Greg Jackson as he’s one of the most well-regarded trainers in the sport. For those of you that don’t know much about the sport, just know, my gym is pretty legit as it is considered one of the best in the world.

One thing I do know is that this gym is a fantastic place for me. When people think MMA training facility, they assume it is nothing but meatheads working to hurt people to show who is the toughest. It’s nearly the complete opposite down here. Yes, there are some meatheads, but they usually don’t last long, as the gym really stresses looking out for training partners and nearly everyone is working to help get everybody better.

Now, I could lie and say that I immediately went in there and started tapping out black belts, but even though really naïve people might believe me, it’s not worth lying about it. When I started out, I got my ass kicked. Early on, I bruised my sternum so bad that I had to lay perfectly still in bed to have any hope for sleep, because rolling over would cause me excruciating pain. I had a rib contusion that took about six weeks to fully heal. And my favorite injury, the one that proves that I’m a grappler is that I developed cauliflower ear that made my ear literally double in size (yet did not give me more advanced hearing). But honestly, shit happens, and my injuries are extremely tame (and my ear eventually reverted back to its normal size).

So, after four months, am I a badass? No, I’m not, but I’m a hell of a lot better than I used to be. Every bit of my grappling has improved. Despite losing weight, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, and I’m, without question, in the best shape of my life. Maybe the craziest thing that I learned is that my experience of wrestling in 7th and 8th grade actually made me better than at least 80% of the people in my class at wrestling, so thanks Mr. Medema and Mr. Verdon.

Although I know that I have gotten better, I still wanted to test myself. So I entered the Southwest Grappling Championship this past weekend to see how far I have come. These next few days, I’ll be going over the weight cut (just as fun as it sounds), and how I did in the actual grappling tournament. If you think I’m a loveable asshole, this week will be informative and at least mildly entertaining. If you think I’m an unbearable asshole, stay tuned, because unless I win a championship, this story ends with me getting my ass kicked. Everybody wins (except for probably me).

Tomorrow: Week One of Weight Cutting

-Joe

P.S. In case anybody was looking for it, I found the epitome of a douchebag on the Internet over the weekend, and lo and behold, he actually showed up on my Facebook news feed:
Most people would just notice the disturbingly large and outrageously flamboyant sunglasses and determine a high level of doucheness for this person, but there is plenty of douche-gold in this picture. Another huge factor is that he dresses like that and he can't even find a person to take a picture of him in his ridiculous outfit so he is forced to hold out the camera and take the picture himself while partially blocking the lens with his thumb. Notice the incredibly small polo that he is still unable to fill the sleeves in. He's also wearing what appear to be pro-America beads, but seeing this representation of America would bring a tear to Ricky Stanzi's eye. My favorite part is the girl in the background who this clown clearly has a crush on but is afraid to talk to. He definitely took this picture so he could add this to his spank bank for later on. What a douche.