Breaking Down the 2017 Royal Rumble Betting Odds

Joe: It's that time of year again where Lukewarm Jonah and I look at what Vegas is saying about the second biggest sporting event of the year, The Royal Rumble. The Royal Rumble was my favorite event of the year growing up as a child, and honestly, it's still one of the events that I most look forward to throughout the year as an adult. Jonah, what are your thoughts on the Rumble, and are you expecting this to be a good Rumble or a bad one?

Jonah: You know I’m actually really excited for this Rumble.  No BS, the star power of this Rumble is pretty impressive.  There have been previous years where there were maybe 2 or 3 people who had an actual shot of winning the Rumble and this year there are probably 10 which makes it actually interesting.  Since I do have high expectations, that means this Rumble will probably be complete garbage.

Joe: Star power is definitely there, but a lot of the big names aren’t guys I’m particularly excited about. I’m still excited about some of the possibilities of guys showing up. Without further adieu, here are the odds (as of 1/23), courtesy of SkyBet.

Bill Goldberg 5/2
The Undertaker 11/4
Braun Strowman 100/30
Randy Orton 4/1
Finn Balor 9/2
Samoa Joe 9/2
Chris Jericho 11/1
Seth Rollins 14/1
Brock Lesnar 14/1
John Cena 16/1
Baron Corbin 18/1
Kurt Angle 20/1
Sami Zayn 20/1
The Miz 20/1
Bray Wyatt 22/1
Dean Ambrose 25/1
Roman Reigns 28/1
Triple H 33/1
AJ Styles 33/1
Shinsuke Nakamura 40/1
Kenny Omega 40/1
Cesaro 40/1
Kevin Owens 40/1
Big Cass 66/1
Shawn Michaels 66/1
Big E 66/1
Karl Anderson 66/1
Austin Aries 66/1
Dolph Ziggler 66/1
Enzo Amore 66/1
Kane 66/1
The Big Show 66/1
Luke Harper 66/1
Bobby Roode 80/1
Tye Dillinger 80/1
Rusev 80/1
Sheamus 100/1
Neville 100/1
Kofi Kingston 100/1
Xavier Woods 100/1
Apollo Crews 100/1
Mark Henry 100/1
Kalisto 100/1
Shane McMahon 150/1
Vince McMahon 250/1

Joe: Looking at the top of this list, I am totally underwhelmed by the favorites. I understand Goldberg has gotten some big pops, but does anybody want to watch him main event WrestleMania? It’s not like this guy was ever known for putting on classic matches. Undertaker gains nothing by having a belt on the line in his match, so it would really just be a waste. Randy Orton? No. And Samoa Joe isn’t ready to headline a WrestleMania even though he has been pretty great after a slow start when he first came to NXT. That leaves two of the top six guys that would actually be interesting. That leaves the only two interesting favorites as Braun Strowman and Finn Balor. Braun is just a big, strong, unstoppable giant, and I can always get behind that. Finn is still probably the best choice, as him trying to take back the title he never lost would be a good storyline, and him taking on Kevin Owens would be one hell of a match to end the show. However, we’re not sure if he’s actually healthy enough to compete, so I’m going to keep looking down this list. Jonah, what do you think of these favorites?

Jonah: Well I can certainly understand the favorites, but I think there’s some logical reasons why most of the top guys aren’t winning.  I assume Goldberg is fighting Lesnar at Wrestlemania, or they’re just going to let Goldberg dominate Lesnar throughout their entire WWE careers.  Also, It seems like Goldberg would need to make his cardio waaayy better in order to have a Wrestlemania World Title match.  Speaking of guys with no cardio hey Undertaker.  He’s super old, had some pretty serious injuries lately and works one match a year, is he really going to fight for the World Title?  I assume Randy Orton will probably be fighting Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania, and even if he’s not, no one’s excited about Randy Orton fighting for a World Title.  Balor and Strowman are clearly the most likely to win out of the favorites.  If Balor is healthy and able to compete I think he’s the most likely to win.  WWE loves having injured guys come back and win the Rumble.  Believe it or not, I think Joe has a bit of a chance.  I don’t think they’d have a guy win the Rumble in his debut but Joe has a great chance of fighting with either of the guys in the Smackdown World Title match.  He has a very long and well known history with AJ Styles and those guys would put on the type of 5 star match that it’s rumored the WWE is looking for.  Joe and Cena have also been friends for a very long time so I could see them fighting it out at Wrestlemania and Cena even putting Joe over.  

Joe: If it’s just a World Title match, I could see Joe winning. If it actually means the main event, there is no chance. I honestly have no clue as to how Smackdown is progressing that title since they have Cena facing off against AJ Styles in a completely meaningless match at Royal Rumble, because both of them will inevitably be in the Elimination Chamber a month later.

When I work my way through the middle of this list, there is obviously one name standing out at 20/1, and that is the man that I picked to win the Royal Rumble over a month ago, Sami Zayn. Is it going to happen? Probably not, but it wouldn’t be totally outrageous if it did. You make the final four Goldberg, Lesnar, Strowman, and Zayn, and how hyped would that crowd be for Zayn? Also, WrestleMania is in the home of NXT, Orlando, Florida, this year and Sami is Mr. NXT. Come on, Mr. McMahon, give me Sami Zayn main eventing WrestleMania.

Jonah: Lots of guys a little lower down the list who are interesting.  Getting John Cena at 16/1 to win anything is pretty attractive odds.  Just like getting the Big Dog Roman Reigns at 28/1 to win anything is very attractive.  The WWE sure likes it when these guys win, so you’ve got to love those odds.  Now of course either one or both of these guys could already be World Champ and therefore have no reason to enter the Rumble, but man those long odds.  In the same vein as those two picks, AJ Styles at 33/1 and Kevin Owens at 40/1 look pretty awesome as well.  Either one of those guys loses their title match, but then enter late in the Rumble and win a shot at their title at Wrestlemania.  Outside of current title holders and number one contenders, I’ve gotta love Sami Zayn too.  Maybe it’s just Joe and his constant logic about why Sami could actually win the Rumble, but I think he’s got a real shot.  You have Zayn, the ultimate underdog win the Rumble somehow.  You have your next two months of booking set up easily.  Strowman challenges Zayn for his number one contendership at the next PPV, Zayn pulls off the win proving he is Wrestlemania worthy then fights against Owens finishing their feud that started a year ago and guaranteeing a fantastic match as well.  It’s so logical and easy that there’s no way it will happen.  Joe, tell me about your favorite super long shot or shots.

Joe: Okay, I have a couple longshots. We’ll touch on the bigger bang for your buck first, as how is Rusev 80/1? Is there anybody who sees this man and goes, “Ugh, it’s Rusev?” Every time Rusev pops up, I practically get tears of joy streaming down my face like I’m a little girl seeing her favorite boy band. He’s that phenomenal at everything.

Then, can I just touch on that murderer’s row at 40/1? Can that just be a Fatal Four Way main event at WrestleMania? Obviously, Kevin Owens is there, who I still think is going to retain. Shinsuke Nakamura, who is amazing, but they’re not going to debut him and Samoa Joe on the same night, and we’re all pretty sure Joe is showing up. Then you’ve got Cesaro, who is the most physically impressive wrestler ever, as nobody should be able to do the things he does, who isn’t a terrible pick. But then you’ve got the name that is 99% not going to happen, Kenny Omega. Omega vs. Okada was one of the greatest wrestling matches ever, and he hasn’t shown up with New Japan since. Is that just a slight bit of smoke in the air? I mean, it’s probably just dust, but right now, there is no hotter name than Kenny Omega. Triple H is saying they would like to have him without using his name, and Omega is saying he’d be open to the WWE as long as he comes in as a star. I mean, there’s worse things to root for during the Rumble.

Jonah: Let’s say the WWE really decides to shake things up and have a true shocking winner of the Rumble.  I see a couple of guys that have an outside shot of shocking the world.  I love Big E at 66/1.  He’s a future World Champion and the New Day don’t have the tag titles anymore.  It’s time for them to move on and help Big E win his shot at the title.  New evil heel Dolph Ziggler is on a bit of what has to be a redemption storyline to prove he’s not a huge loser.  He’s a 66/1 underdog and has had two title matches since the brand split so he’s not exactly outside the main event even though he’s on a losing streak gimmick.  He will also put on a very good match, especially against AJ Styles since everyone will put on at least a decent match against AJ Styles.  Then there’s Rusev, who last year was one of the top guys in terms of odds at 80/1.  It’s obviously not likely that he wins, but he’s a guy who is a main event level heel who should be the top main event level heel but he’s too Bulgarian or something.  Also at 80/1 it’s Tye Dillenger.  Stop to think about that for a minute, you can get the same odds that Rusev wins the Rumble as Tye Dillenger.  Tye is awesome and a perfect 10 and needs to enter at 10, but he’s not winning guys.  Though not listed on your odds, I also like Barack Obama at 1000/1.  That guy’s in need of a job and I believe that he would generate heat unlike no other heel in the history of wrestling.  Any fun bold predictions for the Rumble Joe?

Joe: I’ll go with a surprise entrance from Chris Hero. Hero already spent years in WWE developmental, and he’s really not going to learn much at this point about how to get over in front of a crowd of 500 people; he’s been doing that for a decade. Hero isn’t going to win the thing or be put into a main event feud right away, but he is a valuable guy that you can put on the main roster and have awesome matches with. A Chris Hero/Rusev feud is definitely something I could get behind.

As for the old guy surprise entrance, Kurt Angle really wouldn’t be a surprise at this point, so let’s go with the biggest name possible, and say the Texas Rattlesnake, Stone Cold Steve Austin shows up to have a few Broken Skull IPAs and hit a few stunners. This isn’t going to happen, but it’d be cool. If you want another weird one, let’s just go with somebody from DX, because the WWE won’t ever stop pushing them down our throats, even though they were never good. How about you?

Jonah: Let’s see, the Rumble is in Texas so how about a surprise Rumble appearance from Terry Funk?  Since the Rumble is pretty much about crazy returns, I’ll also say Cody Rhodes comes back at the Rumble and rejoins the WWE.  And we need one more random entrant, how about MVP?  Haven’t seen him in awhile, he can come back and be an underwhelming surprise.  In terms of a surprise that’s not a returning wrestler, I say Big Cass makes the final four even though I don’t think he has any chance of winning.  Vince is a big fan of him, and it seems like there’s always a super random guy in the final four.  Now we’ve talked about a few different wrestlers and scenarios, time to put your money where your mouth is.  Who are you taking in the Rumble?

Joe: Triple H said that nobody can predict what’s going to happen at the Rumble. That kind of gives me hope for all of my longshot picks. It could also mean that Triple H is going over, because that’s always an option with H. But I picked Zayn last month, and he did get some major momentum by taking out Seth Rollins on Raw. Also, I don’t love any of the other picks, so I might as well stick with it and have something to root for with all of my heart during the Rumble.

Jonah: My pick to win the whole thing is Finn Balor.  They’ve clearly got huge plans for Finn and as I stated before the WWE’s favorite thing is guys coming back from injury and winning the Rumble.  Also, there’s a good chance that he enters at 30 and everyone could get eliminated while he does a 5 minute entrance making him the automatic winner.

Joe: Now that would be a shocking Rumble ending. 

2016 Royal Rumble Predictions With Betting Odds

It's that special time of the year where Hott Joe and Lukewarm Jonah come together to write about the Royal Rumble betting odds. Do you want to win the big money? Do you want to make the Powerball winners look more like people who can only afford TV Dinners? Well, then I have just the breakdown for you. Take it away, Jonah.

Jonah: If there’s one complaint I hear the most it’s that there aren’t enough articles about betting on a predetermined event.  Also, I just really, really love talking about wrestling.  So with that in mind it’s time for the Royal Rumble betting odds article. Here are the odds for the big match. 

Royal Rumble Winner:

Triple H: +105

Roman Reigns: +225

Brock Lesnar: +250

Rusev: +1400

Dean Ambrose: +1800

Daniel Bryan: +1800

The Rock: +1800

Kevin Owens: +2000

The Undertaker: +2000

Ryback: +2500

Bray Wyatt: +2500

Big Show: +2500

AJ Styles: +3300

Sheamus: +3300

Shinsuke Nakamura: +3500

Braun Strowman: +3500

Cesaro: +3500

Dolph Ziggler: +4000

Randy Orton: +4000

Finn Balor: +5000

Big E: +6600

Kane: +6600

King Barrett: +6600

Neville: +6600

Titus O’Neil: +8000

Alex Riley: +10000

Bo Dallas: +10000

Curtis Axel: +10000

Damien Sandow: +10000

Darren Young: +10000

Erick Rowan: +10000

Fandango: +10000

Goldust: +10000

Heath Slater: +10000

Kofi Kingston: +10000

Luke Harper: +10000

Mark Henry: +10000

R-Truth: +10000

Stardust: +10000

The Miz: +10000

Tyson Kidd: +10000

Vince or Shane McMahon: +10000

Zack Ryder: +10000

Adam Rose: +15000

Fernando: +15000

El Torito: +15000

Stone Cold: +20000

Jonah: Hott Joe and I already discussed this a lot on the phone, but Triple H was my initial pick for Rumble winner.  We haven’t seen him in a very long time and the last time we saw him he got his ass handed to him by Roman.  Also, we have to consider how HHH books himself; as the greatest of all time.  If he wins then I’m sure Roman will get the shot at Wrestlemania and HHH will probably put him over there, but is that really how you want to book your top star?  After our conversation I thought about it a little longer, and after seeing the odds I’m betting on Roman to retain.  I think the possibility of either him or HHH winning is 50/50 and Roman is giving better than 2/1 on your money.  Roman losing the title here means he probably wins it back at Wrestlemania.  Because of the Sheamus cash in that will already make him a 3 time World Heavyweight Champion in the course of a few months.  What is this, Russo booked WCW?  Smark burn.  You don’t want to devalue your belt or the champion by hotshotting it too much.  Also, I don’t give Lesnar a shot since he’s now feuding with the Wyatts, they’ll probably come in after they’ve all been eliminated and cheaply eliminate him.  

Joe: Christ. Triple H is favored to win this thing? You have GOT to be kidding me. At first, I thought that the crowd would be too upset to let this happen, but then I remembered that it is in Orlando, home of NXT and the WWE Performance Center, which means that if Triple H is getting cheered anywhere, it would probably be down there. There is also a strong rumor that next year’s WrestleMania will be held there, and if he made that announcement earlier in the show, well, hell, I might cheer for him then, because that is a two-hour drive I would definitely be making in 2017. But I’m not ready to pick any of the three favorites.

Jonah: So Reigns is my betting pick, but I feel like talking about wrestling some more so I’m going to go over some of my favorite long shot picks.  

Daniel Bryan at 18/1.  Still the most over guy in the company.  If he returns, he has to win or else you’ll have the third Rumble in a row that has the crowd shitting all over it.  The question is, does he return?  It’s a long shot, but like I said, if he’s there, he’s almost got to win it, either that or the WWE are very slow learners.

Joe: Bingo, bango, here’s my pick to be the winner. I don’t think it is unfathomable to think that the WWE and Daniel Bryan may be lying about Daniel Bryan’s ability to wrestle. I think they have been saving him for this moment, so the crowd can lose their shit and he can be triumphant in his return. I’m not even the biggest Daniel Bryan fan, but if they are serious about Lesnar going up against Bray Wyatt, eh, might as well make it Daniel Bryan vs. Cesaro as the Main Event of WrestleMania. Jonah, what else you got?

Jonah: Dean Ambrose at 18/1 is pretty awesome odds.  They could build a storyline for Wrestlemania that would do big business with Dean and Roman facing off.  Two brothers, one possibly turning heel, going against each other.  The story writes itself and he’s got a hell of a better chance of winning then say Rusev who has better odds.

Joe: I definitely agree that he has better odds than Rusev, but that doesn’t mean that this would make a good WrestleMania Main Event. I am what you would call a Dean Ambrose “hater” in that I do not really care about him. It doesn’t mean I don’t like him, but if you give me a choice between seeing Dean Ambrose or Heath Slater, I’m taking Heath Slater. I would put him on about the same level as Curtis Axel. They’re not my favorites, but they’re fine.

Jonah: How about AJ Styles at 33/1?  His debut is going to be a huge deal.  I love the guy, he can go like hell in the ring, and has really developed as a character over the years.  It’s a super long shot that he comes in and wins the belt immediately, but what better way to make new stars than have him and at least one or two Bullet Club members come in, wreck shit, and have their guy as champ.  It’s a bold strategy, but the WWE needs to be bold with falling ratings and massive injuries.

Joe: Having AJ Styles debut in Orlando (or anywhere in the state of Florida) is asking for a huge disappointment. Florida would pop bigger for Marty Jannetty than they would for AJ Styles (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He needs to debut in the northeast or Chicago where the “hardcore” fans are, so they will actually care about him debuting. 

Jonah: Here’s one I know you’re going to love: Big E at 66/1.  The New Day is without a doubt the most entertaining part of every RAW.  They’re super over and really people love them even though they’re technically heels.  Big E not only has a phenomenal look, but is charismatic as hell and puts on good matches.  Sounds like a combination for a main event push, but what do I know?

Joe: Well, full disclosure, we talked earlier this week, and I was asked who I would want to see win who had a realistic shot (sorry Cesaro, Seth Rollins, and Hulk Hogan who are either too injured or too racist), and my response was Big E. He’s a Hawkeye; I’m a Hawkeye, and I may have stolen girls from him on the dance floor of The Field House in Iowa City (there is no way to confirm or deny this). So yes, I’m hoping that Big E shocks the world and becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

Jonah: My last one is Kofi Kingston at 100/1.  See above about New Day, and add in the fact that he’s been Intercontinental Champ numerous times and has shown that he can hang in main event feuds as he did with Orton back in the day.

Joe: Not all that interested in a Kofi Renaissance; I feel like he’s right where he needs to be at this moment. However, I do have some picks that didn’t make the betting board. Since they aren’t even on the board, you should be able to get them for +20000.

Random NXT Superstar – My money is on this being Samoa Joe, but there’s a lot of angles they could go with this. Still, a fellow Samoan coming out to help out Roman Reigns, only to turn on him in the end isn’t the worst angle that they’ve ever come up with. This won’t happen, but I wouldn’t be mad at it. Also, Sami Zayn is probably the second most likely guy to show up. He’s kind of new Daniel Bryan in that it’s impossible not to cheer for him, but he has to remain an underdog for years before he can make it to the top, so winning as a surprise Rumble entrant probably isn’t in the cards.

Batista – Are you telling me they wouldn’t let Batista win another one? They don’t care if you hate Batista; Batista must win. Bonus points if he gets eliminated early and comes out as Bluetista later on.

Finally, I thought about how they could get the crowd excited for an unexpected winner. Like, who would this Orlando crowd go crazy for? And then it hit me. There is one figure that is more beloved in Orlando than any figure in that awful city’s history. It ain’t Walt Disney, it ain’t Mickey Mouse. Oh no, it’s somebody who is universally loved and revered. 

That’s right. My surprise pick to win the Royal Rumble at 100000000 to 1 odds is Lil’ Penny.

Should I Post Topless Photos of Myself?

Sometimes, I wish I was more of a douchebag. Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking, "How could you be a bigger douchebag? Your in your 30s and still refer to yourself as 'Hott Joe.'" Well, first off, damn, that was hurtful, hypothetical person that I created. But second, there are many, many ways that I could be a bigger douchebag.

The way that has most prominently entered my head is showing off my body. I am now 31 years old, but I have a body that would make 21 year-old me very jealous (partly because I'm in very good shape now, partly because I was in very poor shape then). But it's not like anybody (outside of my wife) ever really gets to enjoy it. So I work my ass off, and then cover up all of my hard work. I'm basically the guy who spends all of his money on a beautiful sports car, but then never takes it out of the garage.

But I can't be the guy who takes a shirtless picture of himself, can I? That guy is such a tool. But am I a tool by just considering this action? Probably. And then the question becomes, am I a bigger tool by not doing what I want to do, or doing something that I know is sad and super needy of outside people's approval? But shit, I work hard, and I deserve adulation for all of that hard work.

Aw shit, just realized something. I would have to manscape if I was going to take this picture, because if I'm going to do this, I have to do it right. But I don't even manscape for my wife, and it seems that putting in that sort of effort into my own narcissism is troubling, even for someone like me.

So it's settled. I will stay at my current level of douchebaggery and not post topless photos of my bodacious bod.

Thanks for helping me make the right decision, imaginary friend.

Someone Broke Into My Car Last Night

So I went out to my car at 5:30 this morning to hit the gym before work. When I got out there, I saw that my door was slightly ajar. I opened the door and saw that my glove compartment was open. Anyone who has been robbed knows that sinking feeling they get in their stomach when they realize they have been robbed and have to figure out what they lost.

My reaction? Laughter. Uproarious laughter. I have nothing of value in my car. Literally the most valuable thing in there is probably the ice scraper that is in the back, followed closely by an individual bag of peanuts. Let's imagine how that asshole must have felt as he went through the process.

Man, I gotta get me some nice stolen shit tonight. 

(Looks around before finding his target) 

Aw, fuck yeah. A 1998 Ford Escort, and it's GOLD. Man, I better get my crowbar ready, because I know that the owner must keep a bunch of very expensive stuff in there so he makes sure to lock it all the time. 

(Goes to door)

No way. It is unlocked. It is my lucky night. Time to collect my millions in expensive jewels. 

(Opens door)

Well, that's odd. No diamonds on the steering wheel. Maybe he is a cautious owner. Let me check the glove box for all the diamonds. 

(searches for diamonds in glove box) 

What the fuck is going on? This isn't just a 1998 Ford Escort. It's a GOLD 1998 Ford Escort, with a sssiiiiiick ass rear spoiler. This bro probably wipes his ass with diamond-encrusted toilet paper; I can't believe he doesn't at least have a few diamonds up in here. Oh well, at least I can steal the CD deck and get $10 from a pawn...oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Who the hell keeps the factory tape deck in there? This may be the last tape deck known to mankind. I would steal it, but clearly, the man who owns this is a straight up G who is not to be trifled with. I better get out of here, as I might be dead already.

(skips away from his life of crime to dedicate himself to children's charities)

So, yeah, I am guessing that is how it went down. And he was right, I am not a man to be trifled with. 

Hair Bikini Top

I am always on the cutting edge of trends in this world. I got in on West Coast Dance on the ground floor, and it quickly swept the nation as the most popular dance craze since The Macarena. I am hip to the European scene as well which is why when I tan, I Eurotan to make sure I am tan in every hidden crevice of my body, and trust me it isn’t easy to make sure that each one of my abs is tanned to perfection.

But instead of being on the cutting edge of trends, I now plan on setting them. Manscaping has become quite popular around the nation, but I feel it has gotten a little tired. Ladies are no longer impressed by hairless dudes, as it’s become completely normalized. Many of these women look fondly on the days when men were men, hair and all.

Now, it would be a crime for me to hide my abs under a mountain of hair, so that ladies were unable to admire my beauty. I understand this, and I live by this code. I believe in a woman’s right to stare at my beautiful body; I guess you could say I’m a feminist in this case. But I also realize that women need a man, not a boy, and I am far too classy to walk around with my junk out to show them how much of a man I am. That is why I have come up with the Hair Bikini Top.

It’s the best of both worlds. When a lady puts her eyes on me, she slowly rises up, noticing that my abs are completely hair-free, leaving nothing to the imagination (in this case modeled by Rick Rude with Bobby Heenan).

Then as her gaze rises, she comes across a chest (in this case modeled by Rick Rude with Paul Bearer).

Not the chest of a boy, the chest of a man, covered in hair, like men were made to be. Before she even has a chance to glance at my face, she is standing in a puddle of her own love juices. It is an honor for me to be able to provide this to women.

The best part is that by reading this blog, you fellas will also be on the cutting edge of a phenomena that will sweep the nation. You can laugh at losers who either fail to manscape or have shaved all of the hair off their bodies. Of course, you may not notice them with the plethora of women surrounding you as they vie for the right to get with the guy with a Hair Bikini Top.

And for the ladies that read this blog? I have only one thing to say to you…You’re welcome.

Rebuilding The Cubs

So, over a year ago, I gave my ideas on how to fix the Cubs. You can check that out here, here, here, and here. Sadly, the way I began that piece is still relevant today, so I'll just copy and paste it to save myself time thinking of a clever opener:

The Cubs suck. They're an old, overpaid, boring team, and there's very little to like about the entire organization. They have some unmovable contracts, some tough to move contracts, and a lot of shitty players. Still, I think I could get them back in the race soon. Here is how I would do it.

I figure the Cubs are actively searching for a GM, and I cannot imagine that their search doesn't immediately start in the blogosphere, so here is my application Cubs. I hope you don't mind having more rings than fingers.

1. Hire Hott Joe as General Manager

This is an obvious first step, because without making me general manager, it's going to be tough for me to convince other teams to trade with me. Also, as much as I think Jim Hendry is a great guy, the Cubs GM position needed more Hottness, and I bring an abundance of that.

2. Trade Matt Garza to the New York Yankees for 1B Jesus Montero and OF Slade Heathcott.

Getting a prospect on the level of Jesus Montero is an awesome haul for the Cubs. The guy has huge potential and he's ready to step in and be the Cubs everyday first baseman right away. Sure, the defense may not be pretty at times, but I will gladly take that for a guy with the potential to mash. So why would the Yankees give that up for a guy who may only be a number three starter? Well, the Red Sox and Yankees are both looking for pitching this offseason, and even if they sign C.J. Wilson, they're still going to be looking for more. I will have the Red Sox and Yankees bid against each other to the point that the Yankees will even throw in Slade Heathcott as a bonus for me. Sure Heathcott hasn't shown he can hit, but he's got tools, and my Cubs will be total tool whores when it comes to our farm system.

3. 3-Way Trade
Rays Receive C Geovany Soto and P Chris Carpenter from the Cubs and 1B Yonder Alonso and SS Billy Hamilton from the Reds
Cubs Receive C Yasmani Grandal and OF Yorman Rodriguez from the Reds
Reds Receive P James Shields from the Rays and P Jeff Samardzija from the Cubs

Okay, I'll admit it. I really wanted to find a way to get Yasmani Grandal on the Cubs. At first, I created a simple deal involving Soto from the Cubs and Niemann from the Rays, but then I realized the Rays could just trade Niemann to the Reds for Grandal and cut me out of the deal altogether. Well, fuck you, Andrew Friedman, that shit ain't gonna fly you sneaky son of a bitch (Andrew, if you're reading this, that was all false bravado. Can't wait to work with you in the future, but seriously, don't you dare cut me out of this deal). So why does everybody do this?

Well I do it, because I get a rookie catcher who can come in and start right away and a prospect that is loaded with tools, so, even though he's no Todd Hundley, it's still pretty awesome for me.

The Reds get an anchor for their staff, and Dusty hates young players anyway, so they might as well trade these prospects for people who will actually get playing time. They also get Jeff Samardzija, which not only gives them a good relief arm, but also makes them favorites if the MLB starts a flag football game for All-Star festivities.

The Rays do it, because they have a plethora of starting pitching right now, and they've only got one more year with James Shields before he's a free agent. They get a reliable catcher and Carpenter hit 100 MPH on the gun on Arizona, so that's cool. And they fill a hole at first baseman/DH and get the fastest middle infield prospect in the universe.

Win-Win-Win.

4. Trade P Carlos Marmol to the Marlins for OF Logan Morrison.

The Marlins closer may not be allowed in the country. Ozzie Guillen loves Hispanic players. Carlos Marmol is a HISPANIC CLOSER. This is too good to be true. Jeff Loria is crazy enough to do it too. The Marlins get what they want, and LoMo instantly becomes a fan favorite in Chicago and probably all over the world since he will finally be playing in front of fans. Let the Internet rejoice, I have freed LoMo.

5. Trade Alfonso Soriano to the Red Sox for John Lackey.

Nobody would be crazy enough to trade for Alfonso Soriano, and nobody would be crazy enough to trade for John Lackey. Hence, there are two teams crazy enough to trade with each other. J.D. Drew's contract is up, so they can fill right field with Soriano. Lackey is persona non grata in Boston, so trade him to the Cubs where they love all players (except for Milton Bradley). Plus, with Lackey (allegedly) going through a divorce, maybe he can hit up the Wrigleyville bars and find himself a nice young lady.

6. Let Aramis Ramirez walk in free agency.

Nothing against A-Ram, but I'm not exactly focused on the next couple years when he will have the most value. We're blowing shit up here, so A-Ram can sign with a contender and win himself a World Series ring before we take over the MLB in a few years.

Okay, so I'm going to be completely honest about something. It's a good thing I wrote out my plan before following through with it, because I got to the end of this post and realized I didn't have a third baseman. Whoops. If I'm desperate, I'll give the job to Ryan Flaherty, and if I can get the Mariners to take all of his salary, I'll put Chone Figgins there, because he's scrappy, and 2012 is not a year to focus on good, so being scrappy will make us beloved.

7. Get the band back together.

Oh, you have no idea what that means? It means this. We've got Zambrano, Wood will resign for minimum wage (not major league minimum, Illinois minimum wage; that man loves the Cubs), so it's time to bring the boys back together. Mark Prior gets signed to a minor league deal, personal favorite Juan Cruz gets signed to help out the bullpen, and if Matt Clement still has a right arm, I'll throw him a minor league deal and send him to the Midwest League (yes, I know that's against MWL rules, but just roll with it). This team is not going to be good in 2012, they might as well remind people of 2003, the last Cubs team that was actually likable.

8. Brett Jackson starts the year in the Majors.

And he's playing center field, Marlon Byrd is moving over to right, LoMo in left. That's not a good outfield, but it's an outfield, and we are saving a ton of money with all of my cost-cutting maneuvers.

9. Spend in the draft and the international market like money has never been spent before.

We are going to make Bud Selig's head explode with the money that we are going to spend on amateur players. We are going to walk into a Dominican tent and make it rain on the best 16 year olds money can buy. Any signability concern in the draft will be laughed at as we draft away and meet the demands of greedy little 18 year olds. Hell, I might even hire a Canadian to go into Cuba and smuggle me some ballplayers. I probably shouldn't write that for legal purposes, but I'll just say it was a very convenient coincidence.

10. Sign Tom Gorzelanny and Rich Harden.

I love both these guys. Gorzelanny gives us a lefty for the rotation that will give us quality innings, yet nobody gives the guy any love. Rich Harden is immediately sent to the bullpen to become the greatest closer ever. I am honestly not sure if he'll ever give up a run.

Um, so what the hell does this all mean?

Even with my outrageous spending on amateur talent, I have saved a ton of money. But that's not what Cubs fans are interested in; they want to know what the product on the field looks like. With that being said, here is our lineup and starting rotation:

Batting Order:
1. RF - Marlon Byrd
2. LF - Logan Morrison
3. SS - Starlin Castro
4. 1B - Jesus Montero
5. CF - Brett Jackson
6. C - Yasmani Grandal
7. 3B - Ryan Flaherty/Chone Figgins
8. 2B - Darwin Barney
9. SP

Pitching Rotation:
1. Ryan Dempster
2. Randy Wells
3. Tom Gorzelanny
4. John Lackey
5. Carlos Zambrano

Is this a good team? Well, if everything breaks right...no, the answer is no, it's not a good team. In fact, it's quite a bad team, but this is a necessity. And it's a young team that people can get behind. They've got veteran pitching and a very young lineup. They're good for about 70 wins, which this year's team did and spent way more money than I am going to spend, but the building blocks are there for the future.

Also, I'm keeping Mike Quade as manager, and here's why: Most likely, this Cubs team has no chance of competing until 2014. I know Cubs fans aren't going to like that, so after two years of failure, I'll bring in Ryne Sandberg as manager for positive PR, and to ensure that I have three more years as GM. When the team explodes in 2014 or 2015, we'll both look like geniuses, and I will have my choice of the thoroughbred dimepieces of Chicago. Bravo me.

-Joe

P.S. Speaking of Cubs, I'm still rooting for Adam Greenberg and you should be too.

It's Not Easy Being Beautiful

There has been a recent uprising over the power of words and how offensive they can be. In the past, it has been about races, whether it be Blacks, Hispanics, or Asians, every racial group has some derogatory term associated with their people. Recently, those with a non-conventional sexual orientation have been abused and bullied. All of these examples are terrible and truly represent the worst society has to offer.

Unfortunately, I have noticed a disturbing trend developing. There's a new group of people suffering the same level of discrimination and vitriol from the general public. It's become so ingrained in our everyday lexicon that most people probably don't even think twice when saying it. It's not right, and it needs to stop. How do I know so much about these discriminated people? Because I am one. That's right, I'm talking about the unjust cruelty towards attractive people.

Let me just give you a hypothetical situation of an attractive male walking by a group of people:

Person 1: Wow, check out the ass on that one.
Person 2: That guy is so sexy.
Person 1: He may be the hottest guy I've ever seen.

These people say these things, enjoy the view, and go about their day. Everything's fine, right? Wrong. I know the pain of that person walking by, because I AM that person walking by. None of those people ever took their eyes off my body to look up and see that I was reading an interesting book. It just made me feel...cheap.

Beautiful people are constantly told to shut up and look pretty, so I will be the voice of the voiceless. I didn't sign up for this; it just happened that I came out incredibly attractive. But just summing me up as the hot guy is extremely disrespectful. It doesn't take into account that I am incredible writer with a beautiful voice that can West Coast Dance with the best in the world.

Some claim that it is okay because of the benefits of being attractive. But there's benefits to everything. Asians are good at math, homosexuals dress really well, and black people have huge...athleticism. Yes, I do have women complimenting me on how amazing I am...constantly, but it doesn't mean I should take verbal abuse everywhere I go and be reduced to a simple description of "Hot."

And yes, many of you may think that me referring to myself as Hott Joe is hypocritical on my part. But it's the opposite. Much like rappers using the n-word, I call myself Hott to take over possession of the word. I refuse to be a slave to my beauty.

I don't like to think about it, but at my funeral, I get the sad feeling that people aren't going to talk about how hilarious I am, my vast intellect, or even how great I am in bed. It'll just be the superficial stuff like how stunning my jawline is, how great I look with my shirt off, and how I look even better with my pants off. It's not fair...and it's not right.

But this is my cross to bear. Luckily with my chiseled muscles in all the right places, it will be one that I carry with nothing but grace, dignity, and stunning good looks.

I'm not just another pretty face, so please, think before you speak.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody would like to cheer me on, I will be running The Bix 7 this Saturday. I will have my shirt off, but please cheer me for my great running style, not my great looks.

Someone Tried to Trick Me Into Prostitution

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Flattery Will Get You Everywhere

Unlike most people, I have very few flaws.  If you have read this blog for a while, you are probably well aware of how I am awesome in just about every imaginable way.  And since I am so awesome, I actually realize the few flaws that I have.  Today seemed like a great day to expose one of those flaws to give both myself and the reader a deeper understanding of the sexy beast that is Hott Joe.

I understand that everybody enjoys a compliment.  It reminds you of how awesome you are, and gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling inside.  Unfortunately, since I love me so much, it means that I love compliments way more than most normal people.

How is this harmful?  Well, it means that ladies have the ability to trick me.  Since I'm such a sucker for compliments, here is a possible exchange that could occur:

Me:  It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best show on television.
Girl:  Yeah, I think it's kind of stupid.
Me:  No, you're stupid.  The show is brilliant.
Girl:  I disagree, but have I mentioned what a great jawline you have?
Me:  No, you haven't.
Girl:  It's really breathtaking.
Me:  It is.  What were we talking about before this?
Girl:  Um...
Me:  It doesn't matter, I like this topic more.

Yes, I would sell out my favorite TV show as long as a woman is willing to recognize how amazing I am.  But it's not just words that I am willing to overlook, I can look past appalling actions if ladies follow up properly.  Honestly, I could see a girl rip the head off a kid’s favorite teddy bear, throw dog shit inside and give it back to the kid, and then we’d have this exchange:

Me:  Why would you do that?
Girl;  I felt like it. By the way, you’ve got a GB.
Me:  What's a GB.
Girl:  Great body.
Me:  Why thank you. What were we talking about again? Who cares? Let's bump uglies.

And just like that, I'd be horizontal with this broad.  Yes, she was cruel to a child, but as long as she gets my mind thinking about my favorite subject, me, I can overlook these flaws.  Does this just show that I have a fragile ego?  Not at all, I just love me some me.  But here's one final scenario that shows that there are some lines you cannot cross:

Girl:  You are so amazing.  I didn't think a man as good looking as you could actually have the personality to match your undeniable hotness.
Me:  That's because I'm one of a kind.
Girl:  You are, and usually I would find it to be a turn-off when a gentleman couldn't just say thank you when given a compliment, but you're so amazing that it just adds to your charm.
Me:  This is an indisputable fact.
Girl:  I know a man as intelligent as you could not have any flaws, so I bet you hate Jose Canseco as much as I do.
Me (in an awe-inspiring rage):  Jose Canseco is a saint!  How dare you!  You're probably one of the people advising MLB to blackball him from the game that he loves.
Girl:  You're even hotter when you're angry.
Me:  Sorry babe, your nookie means nothing to me.
(A gentleman walks up)
Jose Canseco:  Hey Joe, what's going on with this girl?
Me:  Don't worry about it Jose.  I was just leaving.  Let's hit softballs and write another book.
Jose Canseco:  Yeah! (Epic high-five)

As you can see, there are certain lines you don't cross, and making fun of Jose Canseco, saying West Coast Dance is stupid, or arguing that babies are cuter than puppies are things I will never allow.  And yes, I realize my weakness for compliments is not an ideal quality to have.  But am I going to change?  No.  Because I'm a work of art, and although I'm not Mr. Perfect...

I'm still the closest thing to it.

-Joe

P.S.  If anybody wants to go clubbing in Pawnee, hit me up.

Why I Wear Exotic Underwear

I am a man of sophistication, a man who is ultra smooth, but today, I will demonstrate how I am a man of style.  While many men live drab lives and wear clothes that do nothing to hide that, I am the complete opposite.  I am exotic, erotic, and it makes the ladies neurotic.  

Nowhere is this more exemplified than in my choice of underwear.  Do I wear tighty-whities?  I'm in my pimpin' prime, so those simply will not do.  Do I wear boxers?  Come on, I'm a man, not a teenage boy.  I have two choices when it comes to underwear, boxer briefs or nothing at all.  I know the ladies are excited by the latter thought, and trust me ladies, it happens more than you imagine.  

But I am not here to talk about the times that I let my guy fly free.  I'm here to talk about those boxer brief times.  There are certain times where I keep it simple and wear underwear that simply gets the job done.  But when I'm ready to go out on the prowl; I make sure that my sex appeal is at its apex.  This cannot be done without the proper underwear.

Imagine being me.  I know you're all extremely excited at this proposition, but calm down and try to follow along.  There I am, at the bar, commiserating with the lady that tickles my fancy.  Since I am a master of seduction, we head somewhere private, probably back to her place since I doubt she is ready to experience the majesty of my air mattress.  

When we get to her bedroom, she's excited, and who can blame her?  I am probably the most amazing person she's ever met.  When I drop trou and reveal my underwear, she realizes that every arrogant statement I made through the night is absolutely true.  Every statement about how it is a privilege that I considered her for love-making that night.  Every statement about the vigorous love I am going to make on her are all indisputable facts.  

 

By that time, she’ll be so mentally convinced that it’s going to be great, you don’t even have to deliver physically (although being the quintessential male that I am; I like to deliver for the sport of it).

But exotic underwear isn't just beneficial in sexual conquests, it can be used in business as well.  Whether you're applying for a job or trying to close that big deal, exotic underwear could be the difference between close but no cigar and getting the damn thing done.

In the 21st century, women have gained positions of power, and although many might think this is ludicrous, I am extremely excited as it will be easy for me to use this to my advantage.  If a woman has gained a position of power, it probably means she's extremely professional and wants to be treated with the utmost respect.  Hence, she'll probably be wearing something like this.

Some men would be intimidated by this, but I know that she's going to love me.  I'm a sexy dude, and I have questionable morals, what's not to love?  So there I am in a private meeting with a female in charge.  It will be very difficult for her to not notice how good looking I am.  Although I look great dressed up, she may try to press her luck and want to see what I look like dressed down.  Now the pathetic losers out there that wear tighty-whities or ordinary boxers will get nervous when asked to strip down in the middle of a business meeting.  Me?  I'll just smile and give her the show of a lifetime.  

I could strip down and reveal my bright pink boxer briefs, letting her know that I'm a man of passion and extreme confidence.

Maybe it's my clover underwear, which will not only make her realize how lucky she is right now, but also the good fortune that will come her way if we get this deal closed today.

Finally, it could be my glow in the dark underwear, which signifies that even when times are at their darkest, I'll be the guiding light to show them the way.

Any of these (or any of my other pairs) will be exactly what is necessary to get the job done when I am asked to strip down in a business setting.  Although I have never actually been asked to strip down in a job interview or a meeting with another company, I am prepared for it, as well as any situation that may present itself.  

Exotic Underwear:  Perfect for the bedroom...and the boardroom.

-Joe

P.S.  Surprisingly, when you look up exotic underwear on Google, most results talk about ladies underwear.  I guess you learn something new everyday.

P.P.S.  Iowa completed yet another undefeated Duals season on Sunday at Minnesota.  Here is an awesome video that will awesome you to awesomeland:

West Coast Dance Can Be Dangerous

I headed back to my hometown this past weekend as I head many chums back in town to participate in the annual Snowbird Softball Tournament.  I did not participate.  Some would say that this is because I am awful at softball.  And honestly, I'd have to agree.  I've played in three tournaments and only won two of them, so I think it might qualify as the thing that I am the worst at.

After a night of heavy drinking on Friday, a couple buddies and I woke up early to grab breakfast before the first game at 10 AM.  Since the first game was at 10 AM, that meant drinking started at 10 AM.  Unfortunately, the team was unable to get drunk fast enough and they are awful softball players when sober.

The rest of the day rotated between playing softball and heading to a bar where we purchased a keg so we could all get plenty intoxicated.  They won their next two games before losing their fourth and final game when they ran up against a team that had avoided vagina at all costs in order to focus on their softball skills.  They may have won the softball game, but they got blown out in the game of life.

Once the team was eliminated from the tournament, everyone went from get drunk mode to get blacked out drunk mode.  The beer was flowing like the mighty Mississippi River and good times were had by all.

Around 1 AM, 15 hours into our drinkathon, a friend and I decided that it was time to cross the river so we could have an extra hour of drinking...and an extra hour of dancing, because I was at that very special point in my intoxication where West Coast Dance was not only possible, but inevitable.  I called a female and sang to her, "I'm Hott Joe, you know me," and she immediately agreed to drive us across the river.  As I've stated before, LL Hott J, Ladies Love Hott Joe.

My buddy and I got into a dance off, and this is definitely a moment of browning out.  I know that I blew him away in the dance off, but I am not sure of any of the moves that I performed (a common occurrence in West Coast Dance).  I then proceeded to blow everyone off the dance floor.  My female escort was so impressed with my moves that she tried to stay off the dance floor, because she just wanted to lean back and enjoy the show.  It was a special performance where I was hitting every single one of my moves to perfection.

Unfortunately, yet completely unsurprisingly, my sexual magnetism was too much, so a couple random broads were screaming at me to stop.  My moves got them so hot that they wanted to fight me in order to avoid exploding in ecstasy right there on the dance floor.  I informed them that trying to stop West Coast Dance is laughable, it's not even something you can contain.  Once it's turned on, it's ON.  When they realized that there was nothing they could do, I'm pretty sure they ran to the bathroom to clean themselves up.  It's probably for the best, because I believe my escort for that evening would have fought them for trying to stop my amazing dance moves.

I wanted to share this story as a warning to those aspiring West Coast Dancers all over the world.  It's an extremely powerful thing, and the ability to harness its power is something that must be developed over time.  Once you get to the level that I and only a select few are on, no amount of alcohol will slow it down, because you reach a state where inebriation no longer hinders your movements, it only enhances your enjoyment.

So, remember kids, don't try this at home, try it at the club, and let the ladies cum to you.

-Joe

P.S.  Don't be fooled by impostors.  This is not West Coast Dance.  Neither is this.

A True Love Story - How To Find The Perfect Thoroughbred Dimepiece

When it comes to picking up women, I have a problem.  Oh no, not an actual problem getting women, as I have demonstrated my prowess with women here, here, and here.  There are many great temporary ladies out there, but it is extremely difficult to find a long-term lady that can live up to my standards and satisfy my needs.  

Now it's plain as day that I am a good great looking guy.  Blind chicks can see that.  But the problem that I have is that society has set up regulations to make me hide my amazing body.  As great as my face is, my body is at least on the same level, and may even have a slight edge.  Trust me, whatever you're picturing right now, it's better.  Every morning, I thank the good lord when I look in the mirror and have the privilege to see excellence personified. 

Although I can't completely confirm this story, I do believe that one lady lucky enough to lay with me stared a little too long and her face began to melt like I was the Arc of the Covenant.  I was drunk, and the room was spinning, but I am 30% sure this happened.

But you get the point.  When I pop my shirt off, I am on another level of great looking human beings.  Trying to find a girl who can actually be on my level, both mentally and physically, is a Herculean task.  But note how I mentioned the mental part.  Luckily, I have brains to go with this incredible body, and because of that, I have come up with a flawless plan to find the perfect thoroughbred dimepiece.  

My big issue is that I need a place where I can show off my bodacious bod.  But I can't just go to some beach, because it will be filled with classless sluts.  I need to find myself a classy lady.  So here's my idea:  Beach Wedding.  You get a beautiful beach wedding, hotties all over the place, make sure there's plenty of booze, and let the good times roll.

But how am I going to con one of my buddies into having a beach wedding?  I'll admit, convincing a buddy to turn his wedding day into a meat market would be a hard sell, even for me.  Plus, there would be no guarantee that any of them could load it up with enough thoroughbred dimepieces for my satisfaction.  This is where the genius of my plan really begins to shine through, because this beach wedding will actually be my wedding.  Let's break it down.

STEP 1 - Find A Bride

Before I do anything else, I need to find a bride.  I can't just marry any old lady and have a beach wedding with her for the sole purpose of showing off my body.  The plan depends on me finding a certifiable hottie for this.  I need an intelligent gal for this plan, so ideally, I'll find a girl with the looks of Jessica Alba and the brains of Albert Einstein, only hotter and smarter.  

Although I am usually against it, I will be completely honest with this girl about my plan.  This beach wedding will be mutually beneficial as it doesn't just give me a chance to show off my goods, but also will give my bride a chance to show off hers.  She may reason that she could show off her stuff by wearing a skimpy outfit to the club.  But when girls go skimpy at the clubs, they do not attract quality men like myself, they attract brutes and morons.  If we have a wedding, her and her hottie friends will be able to show off their stuff while maintaining a classy image and land a classy guy.

STEP 2 - Scout For Talent
This plan only works with two charismatic personalities.  I will be in charge of supplying this wedding with good looking eligible bachelors, and she will be in charge of finding an plethora of hotties looking for a good time.  We get as many attractive people as possible so the options are out of control.  Combining our efforts, we should be able to create the world's sexiest wedding. 

STEP 3 - Wedding Day

As many of you know, I am kind of a wedding expert.  We get the wedding done as quickly as possible, because this reception will be the party of the century.  My bride looks great, I look amazing, and everybody's focus is right where it should be, on us.  Let's face it, ladies love married dudes, and combined with my being shirtless, it will be plain for all the ladies to see that I am the quintessential male. 

To make this look legit, we will go through all the steps to make it like a real marriage, even stuffing the cake in each other’s faces.  This is where things get interesting.  Pretty soon, my bride and I are feeling pretty buzzed.  We're laughing and making jokes about being married until I casually drop a line about how we should check out the Honeymoon Suite.  She agrees, and once we make it up there, I make vigorous love on her.  When she finds out what a durable lover I am, she’ll realize I am the embodiment of perfection.  

You see, my plan was never so simple that I was just going to get intoxicated and make love on whatever women tickled my fancy.  I found the right woman right away, and I never had to wine and dine her, because we skipped right to the wedding.  I may be superficial, but I figure she’ll do for the next ten years, you know, until she starts showing the signs of aging.  Then it'll be time for her to hit the curb.  Tough break for her, but even after those ten years, I’ll still be a ripped machine, so I can easily repeat the process.   

Now that’s a true love story.

-Joe

P.S.  Yes, I realize this idea could be turned into a romantic comedy.

P.P.S.  Dave Bing may be the most polite mayor in the USA, but I really hope he changes his stance on this issue:

@mayordavebing Mayor Dave Bing

@MT There are not any plans to erect a statue to Robocop. Thank you for the suggestion.

The Grappling Tournament

I got to the tournament, and it is really a lot of sitting around. My division was the last division to go, so I got to sit back, relax and watch other people get all grapply with each other. Finally, after hours of watching grappling, my division was finally called upon. The only problem was that they forgot to put me in the bracket, so I became a last second replacement for some guy named Bye.

When my match was coming up, I'll admit the anticipation got to me, and I peed a little bit before the matches started. For me, it's not so much nerves as it is more than I just get really anxious for things to start. I hope no rich ladies who want to support me financially read this and are turned off by it, but hell, a little pee never hurt anybody. I could keep it in if I focused, but I like to stay relaxed so if a little squirts out, it ain’t gonna phase me.

Before I get into the matches, I just want to apologize. When I was grappling, I was not thinking about the blog, and that was inconsiderate of me. My matches were boring. Super boring. Basically, imagine the most boring MMA fight you have ever seen, and then take away all the strikes. These were my grappling matches, and I’m sorry for that. Hence, I’ll only go over the highlights of my matches.

Match One – I shot in on a single, held there for about two minutes, finally finished my takedown, and nothing else happened. Hence, I won the match.

This is when I learned how tiring grappling really is. After that first match, my entire upper body was burning. My arms were shaking so badly that I could barely drink water without spilling on myself. I just took deep breaths and tried to recover as much as I could in the time between matches.

Match Two – I took on a guy who got a bye in the first round. I took the lead early with a takedown, he tied it up, and then scored with fifteen seconds left. If he wouldn’t have had a bye, I probably would have won, but that’s just a weak ass excuse. I didn’t do what I needed to do.

Match Three – Douchebag kid takes a lead on me late. He had me in his guard, so I picked him up and slammed him. It looked something like this.
Except not really since I only slammed him from my knees, but the kid reacted like that is what happened. I almost got disqualified for it, but there were only like twenty seconds left, and he took two minutes to recover and then just held onto me for the win. The good news from this match is he was unable to continue in the tournament. So basically, I’m a rule-breaking monster who hurts people. Yes, this was definitely the highlight of my tournament. And honestly, I had a ton of people come up to me and say that my slam was great and that the kid I was facing was just a whiny little bitch, so that was nice.

Afterwards, I ended up talking with my coach for about half an hour. He told me that I was the person that they were least worried about coming into the tournament, because I looked so dominant in practice. This is good that I looked dominant, but it’s also a way of saying that I was kind of a disappointment in the tournament. Still, my coach suggested that I start going to the 10:30 class which is the invite-only class that all the pros go to. Am I going to go to that class? God no. That class would interfere with my pretty, and ain’t nothing gonna interfere with my pretty.

The tournament was a really good experience. I learned a ton, and I realized my biggest mistake was that I just didn’t have enough swagger going into it. If I would have gone in with the attitude that nobody was going to submit me no matter what I did, I could have ran through people and made it to the finals, but instead I played it safe. I was facing guys who had somewhere between two and six times as much experience as me, yet I was never in any danger. My problem was that I made minor mistakes that cost me matches. A wild pace with lots of scrambles can lead to bad things, but it’s also when I’m at my best because I almost always end up in a better position when a scramble is involved. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

Also, did I mention that I injured a guy? Yeah, that was awesome.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody is interested, I'm not sure what my body weight was on the day of the tournament, but I was back up to 148 by Monday, and I'm at 150 right now.

P.P.S. I’ve got a lot of pop culture coming next week, so if you thought my life was boring to read about, don’t worry, I’ve got some good social commentary already planned out.

I Should Be An Ultimate Fighter

Just kidding. That title was only to get people’s attention. I am far too big of a wuss to ever consider competing in MMA. I currently have very little desire to get punched in the face; I’ve heard that you need to do that to be a fighter, so it’s probably not for me.

On the other hand, since moving to Albuquerque, I have started taking submission grappling (submission grappling is best summed up by saying that it is basically MMA (UFC) without any of the striking) classes at Jackson’s MMA. For those of you who are fans of MMA, you’ve probably heard the name Greg Jackson as he’s one of the most well-regarded trainers in the sport. For those of you that don’t know much about the sport, just know, my gym is pretty legit as it is considered one of the best in the world.

One thing I do know is that this gym is a fantastic place for me. When people think MMA training facility, they assume it is nothing but meatheads working to hurt people to show who is the toughest. It’s nearly the complete opposite down here. Yes, there are some meatheads, but they usually don’t last long, as the gym really stresses looking out for training partners and nearly everyone is working to help get everybody better.

Now, I could lie and say that I immediately went in there and started tapping out black belts, but even though really naïve people might believe me, it’s not worth lying about it. When I started out, I got my ass kicked. Early on, I bruised my sternum so bad that I had to lay perfectly still in bed to have any hope for sleep, because rolling over would cause me excruciating pain. I had a rib contusion that took about six weeks to fully heal. And my favorite injury, the one that proves that I’m a grappler is that I developed cauliflower ear that made my ear literally double in size (yet did not give me more advanced hearing). But honestly, shit happens, and my injuries are extremely tame (and my ear eventually reverted back to its normal size).

So, after four months, am I a badass? No, I’m not, but I’m a hell of a lot better than I used to be. Every bit of my grappling has improved. Despite losing weight, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, and I’m, without question, in the best shape of my life. Maybe the craziest thing that I learned is that my experience of wrestling in 7th and 8th grade actually made me better than at least 80% of the people in my class at wrestling, so thanks Mr. Medema and Mr. Verdon.

Although I know that I have gotten better, I still wanted to test myself. So I entered the Southwest Grappling Championship this past weekend to see how far I have come. These next few days, I’ll be going over the weight cut (just as fun as it sounds), and how I did in the actual grappling tournament. If you think I’m a loveable asshole, this week will be informative and at least mildly entertaining. If you think I’m an unbearable asshole, stay tuned, because unless I win a championship, this story ends with me getting my ass kicked. Everybody wins (except for probably me).

Tomorrow: Week One of Weight Cutting

-Joe

P.S. In case anybody was looking for it, I found the epitome of a douchebag on the Internet over the weekend, and lo and behold, he actually showed up on my Facebook news feed:
Most people would just notice the disturbingly large and outrageously flamboyant sunglasses and determine a high level of doucheness for this person, but there is plenty of douche-gold in this picture. Another huge factor is that he dresses like that and he can't even find a person to take a picture of him in his ridiculous outfit so he is forced to hold out the camera and take the picture himself while partially blocking the lens with his thumb. Notice the incredibly small polo that he is still unable to fill the sleeves in. He's also wearing what appear to be pro-America beads, but seeing this representation of America would bring a tear to Ricky Stanzi's eye. My favorite part is the girl in the background who this clown clearly has a crush on but is afraid to talk to. He definitely took this picture so he could add this to his spank bank for later on. What a douche.