I Wish WWE Treated Legends Like NJPW

The New Japan Tag League is one of their least impressive tournaments. NJPW really shines when it comes to single matches, but tag matches are often treated as filler, and even though these matches were better than filler, most are designed to further a story rather than give you a memorable moment. Still, there were many takeaways from the tournament in setting up Wrestle Kingdom, but maybe my biggest takeaway was the difference in how NJPW and WWE treat their legends.

In short, old dudes look like old dudes and they get absolutely owned. They have true legends like Nakanishi and Nagata teaming up while Tenzan teamed up with Kojima. Although these names probably aren't well known to American fans, these dudes are legitimate legends in Japanese wrestling.

Nakanishi won the World Title once and was a tag champion three times. Nagata won the World Title twice and the tag titles twice. It should also be noted that someone really hates Yuji Nagata as the man also had two MMA fights. He fought Fedor Emelianenko and Cro Cop. They literally called Cro Cop, "The Pro Wrestling Hunter" when he was announced to the crowd. It was awesome.

And this is nothing compared to Hiroyoshi Tenzan who won the World Title four times and the tag titles TWELVE times. Kojima won the World Title twice and the tag titles seven times.

Dudes just get their asses handed to them. There were 14 teams in the tournament, and these teams finished 11th and 13th respectively. Oh, and I should also mention that the last place team was made up of young boys who NEVER win matches and went 0-13 in the tournament. Tenzan and Kojima finished ahead of one legitimate team, although legitimate is a term I use loosely as it had one legend in Togi Makabe teaming with Toa Henare who was not good enough to win the C Block Championship at the G1 this year. Legends get respect in Japan, but they certainly don't get wins.

Now how much better would WWE be if they incorporated the same philosophy? Instead of legends kicking ass, they would rightly get their over-the-hill asses kicked. Wouldn't wrestling be better if the following two scenarios played out?

I would love a world where Kane and The Undertaker tagged up and got actually taken to the woodshed by Lucha House Party, and people were legitimately surprised if they got a rollup win against The Ascension.

Wouldn't it be better if Triple H tagged up with Shawn Michaels just to get absolutely ragdolled by The B Team, and then you would actually be excited when they used their veteran guile to overcome The Singh Brothers.

You can't tell me that this alternate reality wouldn't be better than the one we are currently living in. And if you're asking, the answer is yes, this is just a long-winded way of saying Undertaker and DX have always sucked, and I will never understand their appeal. Kane is actually pretty decent, but all those old farts should be treated like New Japan's former stars, but probably leave out the part where they are forced into shoot fights against the best fighters of this generation, because Jon Jones would LITERALLY murder Undertaker and prove that you can kill what's already dead.

The WWE Is Ruining... Kane

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, it is time to talk about the devil's favorite demon, KANE.

How is the WWE ruining Kane? Well, first off, this mayor of "Knox County," Tennessee is soooo dumb. Politics gimmicks never work, because they're always fake, and they're always stupid. Remember Hulk hogan running for president, or Bob Backlund running for president, or Linda McMahon running for congress? All fake and all dumb. This one is even dumber as they are claiming that he actually won the election. Yeah, and I'm the mayor of Parts Unknown.

There is only one thing that can take Kane or his new gimmick of Glenn Jacobs (what a stupid name for a mayor), and that is getting him a secretary. A secretary could bring out his worst instincts and help him turn back into the devil's favorite demon. But who should that secretary be? There is really only one choice.

Katie Vick.

I mean, it's perfect. The dead, possibly raped, body of Kane's former lover coming back from the dead to help him find his inner demon. Now, outside of Triple H mimicking sex with a dummy in a casket, we have never had a physical form to Ms. Vick. That may seem like a problem, but it's actually a huge opportunity as you could literally put anyone in that spot. If you don't think anyone can live up to the hype, make her a character like Vera from Cheers where she is only offscreen, pulling the strings.

Everyone agrees that Kane was at his best when Katie Vick was involved, and if you bring Vick back, there is no ceiling on his potential. Even if Katie Vick was a little crass for your personal tastes, you've gotta admit, it's a whole lot better than this Glenn Jacobs - Knox County Mayor gimmick, right?

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

The 5 Worst Impostors In Wrestling History

Wrestling is known for larger than life characters that mostly appeal to children. Since I am basically just a 31-year-old child, I can still fully enjoy the spectacle of it all. But with those larger than life characters, there are inevitably impostors. And the impostors are inherently shitty. These five are remembered for sucking ass, and not a whole lot else.

5. Underfaker
Fake Undertaker was played by Brian Lee, and they did a fairly good job of finding someone of comparable size with the real Undertaker. The problem is trying to wrestle like The Undertaker, who combines the rigidness of a a dead man with the smoothness of an excellent big man professional wrestler. Another thing that helped him is that his run was mostly just one very bad match at SummerSlam, so he didn't stick around long enough to produce much vitriol.

4. Fake Diesel
Fake Diesel, along with another wrestler we will address later, are probably the most well known impostors in wrestling history. It was a garbage idea that was awful from the beginning and continued to be awful throughout its entire run. But they didn't ask Fake Diesel to talk very much, and honestly, it's not like Fake Diesel was a poor wrestler. He was probably less athletic than Diesel, but later in his career, he became a much better wrestler. He is remembered as being far worse than he actually was.

3. Fake Sting
Fake Sting was better than most of the people on the list, as they at least recognized that, yeah, this guy is a ripoff of the real Sting. Sure, they couldn't tell at first, because my 150 pound ass could have walked out in crow face paint, and the WCW roster would have assumed that I was the real Sting. Fake Sting probably had the biggest impact of any of these impostors, as he was the reason Sting went to Crow Sting since WCW turned their back on him. Wrestling wise, he was totally fine, but he obviously lost a lot of his luster once he was known as Fake Sting, especially since Larry Zbysko was able to use his famous Smell Puns and call him Stink from the New World Odor.

2. Fake Razor Ramon
As I mentioned earlier, Fake Diesel wasn't that bad of a version of Diesel. I mean, it was still a rip-off, but outside of being part of one of the worst ideas in wrestling history, it was fairly mundane. Fake Razor Ramon was soooooooooooo bad. I mean, real Razor Ramon was an American pretending to be latino, and Fake Razor was doing a bad impersonation of that while looking like a shorter, bloated version of the real Razor Ramon. It was an unbelievably bad combination, and the WWE quickly realized that Scott Hall was kind of an important part of that whole Razor Ramon gimmick working.

1. Renegade
He is the only guy that managed to not take the name of who was impersonating, but it was so painfully obvious who he was impersonating. The key word being painful, because man, he was the poorest man's version of Ultimate Warrior imaginable. The Ultimate Warrior only worked, because he was totally jacked and brought a ton of energy. The WCW decided to use a smaller, less energetic, not in great shape, version of Ultimate Warrior. He never got close to getting over, but they still gave him a title, so good for him for doing more than most people in wrestling. And I will also give credit to WCW for ending his importance by somebody rubbing the face paint off of him and him realizing that he sucks. He was able to console himself by having fun on the beach.

Grapple on the Gridiron Was Awesome

I flew up from Florida this past weekend to attend the Iowa vs. Oklahoma State wrestling meet at Kinnick Stadium. Being at the football stadium, it was dubbed Grapple on the Gridiron. It was totally awesome, and I cannot recommend it enough.

Having an outdoor wrestling meet during the middle of November in Iowa is a risky proposition, but things turned out shockingly well for everyone. The weather was between 50 and 60 degrees with nothing but sunshine as there was not a cloud in the sky. Since there was also a football game featuring the #5 team in the nation taking on one of their most hated rivals, parking could have been a severe issue, but they opened up lots a little ways away from the stadium and set up a shuttle service to get fans to the meet. I was concerned it'd be a total mess, so we got there early, but things really couldn't have run smoother.

But logistics are boring. Wrestling is anything but. Still, this is not a sport with a lot of glitz and glamour. I didn't expect much showmanship in introductions, but I was pleasantly surprised. Before the wrestling began, Metallica blared from the speakers and Thomas Gilman, Iowa's 125 pound wrestler (who could kick all of our asses), came sprinting out as fire shot out of pyrotechnics like he was The Demon Kane. I was so jacked up I could have roundhoused kicked a kitten. Then the rest of the team came strolling out casually as fire shot up around them, so it had more of a corporate Kane feel to it.

But the reason wrestling is so great is that it is a one-on-one battle of wills that is truly compelling to watch. People who understand the basics of scoring in wrestling and can follow along usually become passionate about following the sport, and although it translates well to television, it is one of the most fun sports to attend live in person. The action is fast-paced, and honestly, some of the most fun moments of being in the crowd were when they were actually between action, but we'll get to that later. One of the great things about wrestling is you get to utilize the oo sound in yelling, which is the best thing to yell. I mean the Cowboys had Moose, the Packers have Kuhn, but every single wrestling meet has TWO, which is incredibly fun to yell when there is a takedown.

And luckily, Iowa had plenty of takedowns. And you bring in over 42,000 people in to a wrestling meet and give a good amount of them some alcohol in their system from tailgating, you're going to have a raucous crowd. As I said earlier, the best moments were probably in between the action. A few of the Oklahoma State wrestlers were absolutely gassed in their matches, as they had no energy and were doing everything they could to just hold on. The most hilarious moment was in the first match was when Oklahoma State's Eddie Klimara was slow to get back to the center of the mat, and Thomas Gilman gave him a shove to the back to help him get there as soon as possible. The Oklahoma State were (rightly) irate, and the Iowa crowd absolutely loved it, because Iowa is BY FAR the dirtiest team in the nation. I 100% understand why other schools hate Iowa, but they're my team, and I love them for their, uh, questionable tactics.

But the best part was definitely watching Oklahoma State wrestlers be slow to get back to the center and try to use every trick they could to stall to help them regain some energy when they were exhausted. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was frustrating to watch as an Iowa fan. But as the Iowa fans erupted in boos anytime an Oklahoma State wrestler was slow to get back to the center of the mat, it dawned on me how amazing it is that college sports allow nearly 50,000 people to tell a 20-year-old college student what a piece of shit he is for being tired. God Bless America.

Overall, it was an awesome experience. I was able to take my Dad to his first wrestling meet, and we had a great time, and I'll definitely be looking to do it again next year (and yeah, considering how huge of a success it was, I can't imagine them not trying to do it again next year). As for the results, the meet itself was back-and-forth, but there were a lot of high scoring matches, and the #4 Iowa Hawkeyes edged out the #1 Oklahoma State Cowboys by a score of 18-16. After that, I thought it was really cool that the University of Iowa let the football team use the wrestling stadium for their game against Minnesota. Iowa won that too, and the world is a better place for it.

Go Hawks!

WrestleMania XXVIII Gambling Predictions

Yes, it's true, WrestleMania is on the online books to be gambled upon for everyone's enjoyment. Now I cannot recommend doing this, because it is shady and stuff, so the U.S. government frowns on it. But it would be a disservice to the world if I did not give some advice on where you should place your money, especially for all of my international readers (I've been blowing up in Poland lately).

Beth Phoenix & Eve (+300) over Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos (-400)
Let's start with a big time upset. Celebrities are not invincible at WrestleMania. Just look at Pete Rose who gets his ass kicked by Kane anytime he shows up. I don't see Maria Menounos as some big-time celebrity who needs to win at Mania. The only thing that could ruin this bet is if Menounos, who is rumored to have a rib injury, has to pull out of the match, which would mean that they could replace her with Kharma.

So yeah, if she comes back, then it's bad news for Beth & Eve.

Kane (+375) over Randy Orton (-550)
I have gone back and forth on this one. Initially, I thought Randy Orton would win, because it makes no sense for Kane to win. Then, I got to thinking, it really makes no sense for Orton to win either. Both of these guys could lose, and it wouldn't hurt them at all. But, because of my pick in the World Heavyweight Title match, I decided to go with Kane since they could push him to a championship feud after the Sheamus/Daniel Bryan rivalry is over. For a shocking ending, I'll say that the corpse of Katie Vick comes out and helps Kane win.

Big Show (-120) over Cody Rhodes (-120)
Even odds for this match absolutely shocks me. Cody Rhodes has beaten the shit out of the Big Show and embarrassed him every single week leading up to Mania. Big Show has to get his revenge, right? The only way Show loses is if Cody pulls off some bogus win, only to have Show start smashing him after the match to raucous applause.

Sheamus (-350) over Daniel Bryan (+225)
Daniel Bryan has had a good run. He's actually become entertaining on the mic, but his time has come. They'll extend the rivalry a little bit, but then I think it's time for Sheamus to feud with Kane. Cody Rhodes also has a shot of being the heel that feuds for the title next.

Team Johnny (-1000) over Team Teddy (+550)
These odds were much lower earlier, but then everyone came to their senses and realized that there is no way they could put Teddy Long on TV twice a week. He's awful. John Laurinaitis is awesome. Also, for a surprise, I'll say that Team Johnny takes out The Great Khali before the match. Team Teddy searches for a replacement and comes up with Mason Ryan. Everyone gets excited until Mason Ryan turns on Team Teddy and becomes a bad guy who feuds with The Funkasaurus.

Undertaker over Triple H
These odds have been taken off the board, but it was last seen as -1500 for Undertaker. I don't care about either of these guys. I know I have said nothing about this match, but I'm already done.

Chris Jericho (+170) over CM Punk (-250)
I think it only makes sense to give Jericho the victory here. If Punk wins, it basically ends the feud, and then who is Punk going to face? Nobody. If Jericho wins, it continues the feud for a while until a good guy champion can take the belt and face Dolph Ziggler in the summer.

John Cena (-230) over The Rock (+160)
Everybody keeps asking one of two questions: Why would The Rock come back to lose? or Why would The Rock come back if he was just going to lose? Well, The Rock is going to lose, because The Rock realizes it is pro wrestling, and wins and losses don't mean shit in pro wrestling. The Rock once jobbed to The Hurricane, does anybody really think his ego is too big to take a loss? He also grew up in the pro wrestling business, and honestly, the pro wrestling business treated him very well. He actually left pro wrestling in good shape, which may make him the first pro wrestler to ever do that. It's not like people are going to not see GI Joe if The Rock loses to Cena. Shit, I'll be at Fast Six on opening day no matter what happens at WrestleMania. It'll be a back and forth match, Cena will win. They will stand in the ring. Cena will extend his hand for a handshake. The Rock will take his hand and bring him in for a hug. The crowd will go wild as The Rock triumphantly raises Cena's hand as confetti reins down from the rafters and Cena will get his first great face pop in the last six months. All will be well with the world.

Juventud Guerrera Will Make You Juicy

It is time for another reader suggestion (Remember, you too can have me write about anything you would like by liking Uncensored Writing on Facebook). This time coming from reader Jake, who had the following suggestion:

"you should explain "juvi juice" to the unknowing"

And that is an excellent idea. Let's dive in.

Juventud Guerrera was just another crazy Mexican high-flyer with a mask. That is, until one fateful night where he would wrestle El Dandy. Although he would put on a great performance in defeating El Dandy, the post-match turned out to be far more important than the actual match itself (go to five minutes in to get to the important events).  For those unable to watch the video, this was the night that Chris Jericho put up his Cruiserweight title against Juventud's mask.

The match happened a couple weeks later and Juventud lost, hence losing his identity, the thing that Mexican wrestlers hold dearest in their lives, he had lost his mask. When Juventud was unmasked, people were absolutely shocked, because Juventud Guerrera was actually...very, very ugly. I mean, you can usually get away with being ugly in wrestling, but Juventud was stop in your tracks ugly. Check it out.

The best way to sum up Juventud's looks it that he looks like a transvestite, but it's impossible to tell if he's a guy trying to look like a girl, or a girl trying to look like a guy.

When you're exposed as some hybrid dual-transvestite, there really is only one thing you can do...impersonate The Rock. He transitioned from Juventud Guerrera to Juvy Juice or The Juice for short. The Rock was the most popular wrestler in the world at the time, so a Mexican who still has yet to master the English language impersonating him would have to be a huge success, right? Well, if you measure success in ratings, you were sorely disappointed. But if you measured it in unintentional comedy, then yes, this was a rousing success.

His trademark catchphrase became, "The Juice is in the house, and the house is in The Juice." It was always more memorable as it came out "De Juish is in de housh, and de housh is in De Juish."

The only problem with The Juice is that he has been completely erased from the internet. I couldn't find a single YouTube video of his promos from WCW. I can find every single Royal Rumble on YouTube (even the first one in 1988 when there were only 20 guys and Hacksaw Jim Duggan won it), but Juvie Juice apparently didn't make the cut.

Luckily, there is a video of Juvie Juice giving one of his trademark promos. Unfortunately, the promo was done after the Juice had fallen on hard times, as it is a profanity-laced diatribe from an organization called XPW.

I guess the most amazing thing about this video is that he still embraced The Juice gimmick. It would be as if the Kane gimmick had never happened and Glen Jacobs was still walking around independent shows as Fake Diesel. It's unfathomable, yet it's actually happening.

As bad as this is, it actually gets worse for our Juicy hero. His juiciest moment would have to be in AAA at Rey de Reyes where he would make a surprise appearance, win his match, and then join D-Generation Mex. Shortly thereafter, he accused Konnan of shitting in his gym bag, and Konnan responded by breaking Juvie's nose. Clearly the K-Dogg is not a juicy person.

And with that, I bid you adieu and hope that you too can become a juicy person. That is, if you can smelllalalalalalala, what the Juice...is cookin'.

-Joe

P.S. If you haven't seen the Conan O'Brien commencement speech at Dartmouth, I highly recommend checking it out as it is a great illustration of why O'Brien is so much more likeable than Jay Leno.

A Comprehensive Breakdown Of The Katie Vick Saga

Professional wrestling has done many regrettable things in its past. Last night's WrestleMania XXVII was just one of those examples, but I'd like to go further back in time to examine a storyline that most people found offensive, and that my friends and I found hilarious.  That's right, it's time to thoroughly examine the Katie Vick saga.

This wrestling saga primarily involves the aforementioned Katie Vick, Kane, and Triple H. This whole thing started, because Kane was happy.  That's it. It wasn't because Kane did some awful thing to Triple H. It was just that he was happy. Triple H felt that Kane's happiness left him no choice but to do this on Monday Night Raw.

Yes, Triple H decided to attack his tag team partner, The Hurricane, and then reveal to the world that Kane was a murderer as he killed Katie Vick, all because Kane was happy. This would basically be like me finding out somebody got a promotion and stabbing his wife. There's no good reason for it, but Triple H plays by his own rules. I respect that. The following week on RAW, Kane explained his side of the story:

My second favorite part of the story is that Kane and Katie Vick went to a party. Imagine Kane walking into your party. How did people react? What did they say? Do you think they made Katie pay for a cup or just gave one to her for free? I really wish they'd revisit this, so these questions could be answered. My favorite part of the story is obviously that Kane crashed because he was unfamiliar with how to drive a stick shift. But anyway, Kane, a man who is known as a monster, swerved in order to avoid hitting an animal. They crashed; he broke his arm, but she was killed instantly. That video ends with Triple H saying that Kane was also drinking that night, but as ridiculous as Kane's explanation is, it gets a whole lot worse in this next video (just watch the first 3:10):

Yes, this is when the brilliance truly reaches another level. Triple H lets the world know that Kane loved Katie Vick. That wouldn't be all that bad, but the autopsy found Kane's semen inside of her. This leads to one of the greatest lines in wrestling history when Triple H asks, "Did you force Katie Vick to have sex with you while she was alive...or did you just wait and do it to her when she was dead?"

As unbelievable as all that is, it gets more unbelievable when Triple H puts on a reenactment of Kane's love affair with Katie Vick. I don't know how to prepare the world for what they are about to see, so all I can say is to proceed with caution:

Yes, Triple H reenacts the sex scene between Kane and Katie Vick. Brilliant does not begin to describe how awesome this video is. Triple H was so dedicated to his role as Kane that he stripped down to his jockstrap to perform sex on a mannequin who played the role of Katie Vick. It ends in epic fashion with Kane screwing Katie Vick's brains out...literally.

But even this was not enough for Triple H, so he made the next logical move and decided to interview Katie Vick:

And this was AFTER Triple H retained his title at No Mercy. He literally had no reason to destroy Kane, except to ruin a happiness that Kane had long since forgotten. Still, it's a compelling interview where Triple H uses many puns with dead involved, and accuses Kane of having a burnt weiner.

But sadly, this is where our story ends.  If you're anything like me, you long for the return of one of the most offensive wrestling angles ever, so bring your Katie Vick signs to WWE events to let them know that you want her back. I mean, if The Undertaker can be buried alive every other year, I'm pretty sure they can bring Katie Vick back from the dead once.

-Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco wants to become a baseball manager, have his twin brother, Ozzie, become the hitting coach...oh yeah, and he wants them to become the #3 and #4 hitters in the lineup.  To top it off, he believes this can all happen with the power of prayer.  Sorry Japan, God's got bigger things to work on.

P.P.S. You have probably seen this play by Derrick Rose, but that still doesn't make it any less amazing.