Jose Canseco's Phone Number

So last night my brain nearly exploded, as Jose Canseco dropped this tweet on the world:

JoseCanseco If you guys want to talk to me on the phone call me at 310 862 6309. We can talk about anything,find out what's really going on in basball

Just so everyone knew it was real, he had a quick follow up:

JoseCanseco Call me you haters 310 862 6309 if you have the balls

Jose, are you questioning my testicular fortitude? You bet your ass I called that number immediately.

I know what everyone's thinking. If Joe and Jose talked, they are probably now best friends forever. When they hit the clubs, everyone will simply know them as "The New Bash Brothers." I completely agree that this is what should have happened.

Instead I got connected to something called My Fan Line. I have to give them a credit card number, and they charge it for each minute I talk to the celebrity. Now I have only browsed the website for about two minutes, but I cannot find the actual charges for any of this anywhere on the site. Also, I went to their Get Started page, and the only celebrities they had pictures of was Canseco and this guy:
I don't know who this is, so I'm gonna guess it is Shaggy. I don't remember what Shaggy looked like, but he seems like a guy who would smile on the beach as he played what appears to be a ukulele.

Part of the money goes to charity, which in Jose's case will probably be a very small amount. Jose decided to pick the most ridiculous charity possible as he selected B.A.T., and organization that helps out minor league baseball players. Just what we need, give money to potential millionaires. That seems like a worthy cause.

Despite this costing an unidentifiable amount, I'm not totally ruling out calling Canseco. Is this an extremely stupid waste of money for someone who is unemployed? Of course it is, but I have never lived my life by doing the "intelligent" thing. But I have decided that if I'm going to do it, I need to do it right. I need to come up with the most brilliant topics of conversation possible. So far, the best idea I have come up with is asking him to spell words. I'd basically like to give him a spelling test and publish the results. But there's so much potential with him, like:
Did Terry Steinbach juice?
Did it hurt when you assisted a home run with your head?
What's Hong Man Choi like in real life?
Who would win in a fight, you or the Ultimate Warrior?
Can we take steroids together sometime? And really, that would be about the coolest thing ever. Having a beer with the president would be neat, but having Jose Canseco put a needle in your ass, now that would be EPIC.

The list goes on and on, but I need the best and brightest (and by that I mean most hilarious) questions. I also need to do some research to see how much this is going to set me back. If you would like to donate to the cause or have a hilarious question, feel free to leave a comment on here, Facebook, Twitter, or e-mail. I'm accessible, as I have yet to set up my own Fan Line.

-Joe

P.S. I have to be a little weary of getting involved with My Fan Line after reading this.
OldHossRadbourn Hoss just tried calling J. Canseco and now I am stuck with a subscription to "Cross Stitch & Country Crafts" Magazine. I am not amused.

P.P.S. This totally seems like something I can convince one of my drunk buddies to put their credit card down on for our entertainment. Asay, I'm looking at you buddy.

MTV and the 2010-11 Chicago Bulls

The Chicago Bulls season tips off tomorrow, and I figured I would give you a completely biased (and possibly horribly uninformed) look at this year's team. Since some people think I go overboard on pop culture and others hate it when I talk about sports, I have decided to tie in every Chicago Bulls player with someone on MTV so everybody can be happy (or everyone will hate it).

Omer Asik - How do you spell baller in Turkish? I bet every Turkish sportswriter knows from covering the crowned jewel of Turkey. Asik is probably the biggest celebrity coming out Turkey since Tarkan, you know the singer who some consider the "Prince of Pop." Wait, you didn't know? Geez people, get some culture and watch MTV Turkey every now and then. Back to Asik, he's going to be a beast off the bench, crashing boards, blocking shots, and probably banging multiple members of the Luvabulls. Expect him to be a candidate for the sixth man award.

Keith Bogans - Last I heard he was are starting shooting guard for opening night. Expect him to be like Puck on defense, because he is going to be causing all sorts of problems for opposing offenses. Being from Kentucky, this guy knows a thing or two about horses. If you're looking to pick a dark horse for an All-Star selection, look no further than this former Wildcat.

Carlos Boozer - His last name is Boozer. His brother went to Iowa State. Hey, we all have relatives we aren't proud of, can't hold that against him. Expect this guy to take full advantage of the night life in Chicago until he goes on a double date with Slutty & J-Cutty and meets the woman of his dreams, Lo from The Hills. Expect him to make the All-Star team.

Ronnie Brewer - Could there be a better team of players than Boozer and Brewer? Gar Forman, you magnificent bastard; this is a match made in Heaven. Brewer never gets tired as he survives strictly off Ron-Ron Juice, and you should see this fool at the club. There's something about Ronnies that dominate the club life.
Expect this guy to be the NBA's best wingman.

Luol Deng - This guy is the Ronnie-Sammi relationship. Everyone wants to get rid of it, but it's still there, hanging around, with occasional entertainment. Expect Deng's season to be the more exciting moments of Ron-Ron triple kissing two grenades instead of the times where Sammi got angry at nothing. Expect an All-Star selection for this handsome Devil (Get it? Because he went to Duke, so he was a Blue Devil. Yeah? Yeah.)

Taj Gibson - Weird name? Gritty? Scary to run into at night? Probably banged The Miz? Check, check, check, and well, hopefully not a check, but yes, Taj Gibson is the Coral of the Chicago Bulls. Expect him to lead the NBA in flagrant fouls, because he doesn't wrestle, he beats bitches up.

James Johnson - Yeah, poor James Johnson is definitely Brandon from this year's challenge. He's really trying his best to stay on the team, but the Bulls are looking for any reason to get rid of him. He was the Bulls first round pick, but they still nearly declined his option for this year. If the NBA institutes a gulag, wait for mad hysteria when James Johnson takes out Brian Cardinal. Otherwise, expect him to be the Mateen Cleaves of the Chicago Bulls.

Kyle Korver - Korver is unfortunately Dunbar. He appears to have all the tools to be great, but they both have fatal flaws that relegate them to role players. Korver can't play defense, and Dunbar is so uncoordinated that he would have a heart attack if he tried chewing gum while tying his shoes. Still, expect Korver to win the NBA 3-Point Shootout.

Joakim Noah - This is the easiest comparison as Noah is so clearly the Snooki of the Chicago Bulls. People who don't watch the show immediately hate Snooki and don't understand her appeal. She's not attractive, she's not smart, she really doesn't have much personality. There's no reason to like Snooki, yet she has captured the hearts of America. The same is true of Noah. Fans of other teams hate Noah and thinks he sucks. But they don't get it. He's not a great scorer, he's not terribly athletic, and he's certainly not attractive, but he is so much better than the sum of his parts. He hustles his ass off, and he has captured the hearts of Chicago Bulls fans. Expect him to be named Defensive Player of the Year.

Derrick Rose - The essential piece of the Chicago Bulls can be summed up in the NBA and MTV terms by three simple letters: M...V...P. Mike, Vinny, and Pauly provided all the entertainment for Season 2 of Jersey Shore, and expect Derrick Rose to do the same for the Chicago Bulls. The parallels are eerie as they were great in season one, but they showed a new swagger in season two. Expect Rose to have that same swagger as he cruises to NBA MVP.

Brian Scalabrine - Fucking worthless like Angelina. Expect him to be released by December.

Kurt Thomas - Thomas is like Derrick from all the challenges. He's gritty as all hell, but he never had the team around him to ever actually pull off the victory. Finally, Derrick won a challenge; expect the same fate for Kurt Thomas this year. Expect him to be NBA's Man of the Year.

C.J. Watson - Since he is backing up MVP, I think the most logical character is Jose from Jersey Shore. Watson also has an affinity for impressing his ladies with the finest of watches that Fossil has to offer, at $59.95, he knows how to treat a lady. Still, if we never see him, that'll mean that our MVP is tearing things up, and that's a good thing. Expect him to team up with Sylvia Fowles of the WNBA's Chicago Sky to win the Two-on-two competition during NBA's All-Star Weekend.

This is either the dumbest or most brilliant article I have ever written.

-Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco just had puppies. Could there be any event more geared towards me in the history of the universe? I doubt it. Take a deep breath before looking at the picture, because it may be an overload of cuteness:

The Grappling Tournament

I got to the tournament, and it is really a lot of sitting around. My division was the last division to go, so I got to sit back, relax and watch other people get all grapply with each other. Finally, after hours of watching grappling, my division was finally called upon. The only problem was that they forgot to put me in the bracket, so I became a last second replacement for some guy named Bye.

When my match was coming up, I'll admit the anticipation got to me, and I peed a little bit before the matches started. For me, it's not so much nerves as it is more than I just get really anxious for things to start. I hope no rich ladies who want to support me financially read this and are turned off by it, but hell, a little pee never hurt anybody. I could keep it in if I focused, but I like to stay relaxed so if a little squirts out, it ain’t gonna phase me.

Before I get into the matches, I just want to apologize. When I was grappling, I was not thinking about the blog, and that was inconsiderate of me. My matches were boring. Super boring. Basically, imagine the most boring MMA fight you have ever seen, and then take away all the strikes. These were my grappling matches, and I’m sorry for that. Hence, I’ll only go over the highlights of my matches.

Match One – I shot in on a single, held there for about two minutes, finally finished my takedown, and nothing else happened. Hence, I won the match.

This is when I learned how tiring grappling really is. After that first match, my entire upper body was burning. My arms were shaking so badly that I could barely drink water without spilling on myself. I just took deep breaths and tried to recover as much as I could in the time between matches.

Match Two – I took on a guy who got a bye in the first round. I took the lead early with a takedown, he tied it up, and then scored with fifteen seconds left. If he wouldn’t have had a bye, I probably would have won, but that’s just a weak ass excuse. I didn’t do what I needed to do.

Match Three – Douchebag kid takes a lead on me late. He had me in his guard, so I picked him up and slammed him. It looked something like this.
Except not really since I only slammed him from my knees, but the kid reacted like that is what happened. I almost got disqualified for it, but there were only like twenty seconds left, and he took two minutes to recover and then just held onto me for the win. The good news from this match is he was unable to continue in the tournament. So basically, I’m a rule-breaking monster who hurts people. Yes, this was definitely the highlight of my tournament. And honestly, I had a ton of people come up to me and say that my slam was great and that the kid I was facing was just a whiny little bitch, so that was nice.

Afterwards, I ended up talking with my coach for about half an hour. He told me that I was the person that they were least worried about coming into the tournament, because I looked so dominant in practice. This is good that I looked dominant, but it’s also a way of saying that I was kind of a disappointment in the tournament. Still, my coach suggested that I start going to the 10:30 class which is the invite-only class that all the pros go to. Am I going to go to that class? God no. That class would interfere with my pretty, and ain’t nothing gonna interfere with my pretty.

The tournament was a really good experience. I learned a ton, and I realized my biggest mistake was that I just didn’t have enough swagger going into it. If I would have gone in with the attitude that nobody was going to submit me no matter what I did, I could have ran through people and made it to the finals, but instead I played it safe. I was facing guys who had somewhere between two and six times as much experience as me, yet I was never in any danger. My problem was that I made minor mistakes that cost me matches. A wild pace with lots of scrambles can lead to bad things, but it’s also when I’m at my best because I almost always end up in a better position when a scramble is involved. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

Also, did I mention that I injured a guy? Yeah, that was awesome.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody is interested, I'm not sure what my body weight was on the day of the tournament, but I was back up to 148 by Monday, and I'm at 150 right now.

P.P.S. I’ve got a lot of pop culture coming next week, so if you thought my life was boring to read about, don’t worry, I’ve got some good social commentary already planned out.

The Weight Cut: Week 2

It’s pretty funny that my weight is going to be 140 after this cut considering that I graduated high school at 143; I had basically zero muscle mass, and you probably could have described my body back then as petite. The way I am getting there is tuna and rice in the morning, tuna and rice in the afternoon, drinking nothing but distilled water, and a protein shake at night. I've found that if I only have seven ounces at a time, I can turn my regular protein shake into two smaller meals at night. Yes, seven ounces of protein shake has turned into a legit meal for me.

It’s Tuesday, and my weight is getting better. Since we have a messed up scale, I am approximately 146 Coach told me that I’m not filling out my shirts as well, so I guess that’s a positive, but I probably look like even more of a little bitch right now.

By Wednesday night, things are definitely getting a little depressing. I had a shitty practice which didn’t help, but I’m just in a funk right now. I’m weaker than normal, and I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s kind of like a bad drunk where I really can’t function to my full capabilities; I realize I’m fucked up, but I can’t really do anything about it, so I’m like in Zombie Drunk mode. I watched the movie MacGruber and thought it was really good. It might have been funny, but it definitely could have sucked and I was just in a giggly mood. This paragraph might not make sense to people, but I’m not going to edit it when I get back to full strength. I think that makes this artsy.

I also decided to screw over the system and sign up for a free trial membership at Midtown Sports & Wellness. This place is off the chain nice, but I have a zero chance of actually joining. I usually feel guilty about this, but they made me wait like fifteen minutes before somebody helped me, so I am doing this guilt free. Basically, I needed to have a place with a working scale, and I also needed a place that had a sauna for my cut on Friday. Their usual deal is three days, but I went in and got five, because I’m sexy. God bless my good looks.

On Thursday, I had an average breakfast, a light lunch, and a protein shake for dinner. I’m hungry all the time, but nothing interesting happened on Thursday since I just did 45 minutes on a bike to get a little sweat going.

Friday was judgment day, and it started at 5AM when I was a good guy and took my roommate to the airport. I then had my first of two protein shakes for the day. Then, at 3:00, I went to the gym to see how much I needed to sweat out in the sauna. I was at 143, so it wasn’t going too bad of a sweat. It’s just that my body was already drained from a lack of nourishment, but I knew that being this close I could sweat off the rest. Honestly, the sauna was pretty relaxing. I just took a book in with me and read to pass the time so it went by pretty quick. I got done with two rounds and was just slightly over. Then the most glorious thing ever happened; I had to pee. My weight dropped .4 pounds which would have made me safe according to the scale, but I decided I’d do one more quick round just in case the scale was off. I got down to 139.2 before making my hour drive up to Rio Rancho.

I was worried about being horribly undernourished and dehydrated for the drive, but the sauna actually made me feel better than I had earlier in the day. I made it up to the place, checked in, and got on the scales, 139.2. I decided to get a professional drawing of myself at this weight, and here is how it turned out:
For some reason, they made me slightly tanner, and replaced my Seattle Storm gym bag with a suitcase.

I managed to drop 13 pounds in 12 days. I’m not gonna lie; it fucking sucked, but it was still good to go through that. After I weighed in, I had four dinners spread out by an hour and a half each. It was the happiest I have been in the last two weeks. So I did it, congratulations to me. Wait…what? I have to compete tomorrow? Fuck. Well, I’ve got weight cutting skills, and tomorrow will tell me whether I have some grappling skills.

-Joe

P.S. I wasn't lying about having a Seattle Storm gym bag. I love that thing.

P.P.S. Although a lot of people have probably already seen this, and even though it's long, I would definitely take a look at this profile of a former NFL agent by SI.

The Weight Cut: Week 1

If there's one thing I know about women, it's that each and every one of them thinks that they're overweight. Well ladies, I got great news for you; I am going to show you how to lose twelve pounds in twelve days. You might even be able to lose more, because I had to trim weight off a body that is pure twisted steel and sex appeal, while you have a body that is pure jello lady. So here is my retro diary on my first week of weight cutting.

It's Wednesday, and weight cutting is not fun. I knew this going into it, but I thought it would be a good experience that I could look back on and laugh. Currently, I feel no reason for laughter. I basically gave myself twelve days to cut twelve pounds (from 152 to 140). The first three days, I have been trimming down my meals. It’s not that I’m in pain, but I am hungry, and I don’t like being hungry. Honestly, things have been pretty smooth so far, but it’s only the beginning.

After three days of dieting my way, I finally got some advice from one of my coaches, Little John. Now breakfast is my biggest meal, lunch is my second biggest, and dinner is either extremely small or just a protein shake. I’m trying to cut out all solids after 5:00, so that’s kind of a bummer.

Thursday was actually a pretty solid day for me considering everything. I’ve been limiting my food intake, and Thursdays are always the roughest practice of the week, but I absolutely flew through all the conditioning and picked up some snazzy sweeps from guard when we worked on technique. Despite being hungry and having legs that already felt exhausted, I went for a four-mile run that night.

On Friday, I woke up and had a big meal of angel hair pasta and tuna with some sauce to top it off. This is not a glamorous meal, but this is the biggest meal that I have had this week so it was a great delight. After that meal settled, I went for a six mile run around noon. I wanted to get a good run in when the sun was really beating down to try to burn off as much weight as possible. My legs were sore going into it, but I persevered and ended up having a solid, though not spectacular, run. For lunch, my meal got blander as I had brown rice and tuna. Yep, that’s it. But here is the best thing about cutting weight: Every meal tastes awesome. I devoured that meal like it was Benihana. A little after that, I demeaned myself and went to Wal-Mart to weigh myself, because the scale at my gym is unreliable. Let me say, it is extremely awkward to take your wallet, keys, and cell phone out of your pocket, kick off your shoes, and weigh yourself at a Wal-Mart while a 250 pound woman with a cane just stares at you. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t move, she just stared. The good news is that I’m at 148. As long as I’m at 145 or lower, it shouldn’t be an awful day in the sauna when I hit it up on Friday. I’m definitely happy with my progress so far, but each pound is going to get harder and harder to lose.

On Saturday, I went for a three mile run, because I didn't have the energy for more. Saturday night was a depressing experience as I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with my buddy to watch his Oregon State Beavers and my Iowa Hawkeyes. The games turned out well, but I had to order a water and a salad at Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm pretty sure all the waitresses thought I was a fruit.

On Sunday, I ran another four miles before the NFL games started. It's really sad how good all food looks when watching commercials. I can honestly say that at this moment, the Taco Bell Big Box looks like the most glorious thing ever. Watching that commercial, I got a semi. I know that I would have to sit on the toilet while eating that meal, because it would literally drop straight through my system, but Goddamn, at the time, it seems totally worth it.

************

And that's week one of my cut, approximate weight is 147-148 after cutting down on my meals. The first week wasn't awful as I had my pasta, sauce and tuna combo, my brown rice and tuna, and I also allowed myself to have cereal until my milk ran out. My meals get smaller and blander in week two.

-Joe

P.S. I would like to thank the show Mad Men for trying to get me addicted to heroin by describing it in the most awesome way possible. If this doesn't make you want to try heroin, then absolutely nothing will: “It’s like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits.” I think I could be pretty satisfied by a lot of activities if someone licked my tits while I was doing it, but maybe that's just me.

P.P.S. Yes, I went to Fat Chicks in Party Hats to get the image at the top.

Things I Wish I Could Gamble On: Part 1 - Divorce

Let's face it, gambling is fun. Winning money is awesome and losing money really sucks, but it's a shame on how very few things we can gamble on. Yes, we can go to the casino, try our luck at Blackjack, Roulette, or Craps, but calling any of those things great skill is a gross overstatement. Sure, you can use some skills, but it's also a lot of luck.

The other thing that people bet on is sports. Nearly everyone gets involved in some sort of NCAA Basketball pool. Unfortunately, it's only legal in Las Vegas and Delaware. Obviously, people have turned to off-shore betting sites so they can bet online on various sporting events. It basically makes watching the games a ton more fun. Imagine watching Cleveland @ Tampa Bay this weekend, not too exciting, but imagine you having Cleveland +3 for $20. It becomes a shit-ton more exciting, and it will make you do things you never thought you'd do, like cheer for Jake Delhomme.

Still, that isn't nearly enough for people to gamble on. Think about all the things that happen in your everyday life. There are so many things that I wish I was able to gamble on. Some select college students are allowed to bet on their grades. That's fantastic, but I feel like we could really take this to the next level. Here are things I wish I could gamble on.

1. Divorce - This may seem cruel, but we all do it. Whenever I go to a wedding, I assess their chance of success. Although I usually get too drunk to do any real in-depth analysis, I still take a few mental notes on the newly married couple. I also look on our Facebook news feed and notice that so and so got married. I immediately wonder what type of pud/hog that one of my Facebook friends got married to. I quickly look it up, and I assess how long I think they will be married. On the positive side, I sometimes think that it looks like those two will probably have a successful marriage. Other times (quite often), I predict their love to fail. Now, let me say, I'm not hoping that their love fails; but in my head, I'm predicting an awful divorce. It really never goes beyond my thoughts, but imagine if I could gamble on it? Hell yes. Get some buddies involved, have people put money on both sides of the docket and let the fun begin. I think an over/under would be the best and most simple way to make the bets, but you could turn it into a pool form where everybody picks a date for divorce as well.

Not only that, but it would test people's morality. If I'm putting $20 down, with a possibility to win $100, I'm probably not going to sabotage a marriage just to win that money. But if we're putting down $100, and I could win $1000, my morality will be on a case by case basis. If I don't like the groom or bride of a certain wedding, I might secretly type up a letter (ala J-Woww and Snooki) and make sure the person finds out about their spouse's terrible deeds. The question then would become, would I do it because that person is bad and I can win money off of it, or would me winning money off of it make me see that person as bad?

I could also sabotage in an even more fun manner. Face it, girlfriends, fiancees, and wives make guys a lot less fun. They start to mature, and they are perfectly happy hanging out with their lady. I understand where they are coming from, but I do not approve of it any way, shape, or form. Imagine what an epic night you could have if you get your friend away from the ball and chain and everybody gets shit-faced. You then give him a ride home and let him pass out next to his wife...NOT. You hire a prostitute. You have her pose as just another barfly looking for a good time. She seduces him, and bam, you're $1000 richer because of the divorce, and your buddy is going to want to go on the prowl nonstop once he gets divorced to show that broad what she's missing. This is a little thing that I like to call a win-win. I might even call it a win-win-win since your buddy is free again. Sure he goes to a therapist and has already developed a serious drinking problem, but those are minor prices to pay for sexual freedom.

There is nothing that will make me think this is a bad idea.

-Joe

P.S. If you are married and reading this, I totally think your marriage is going to last. People who have good taste in their reading always have good taste in their spouses. I just feel sorry for those suckers not reading this, their marriage has no shot.

P.P.S. I finally found out what hip hop is. It just took a true gangstette to help me understand: Thanks white lady.

No Way Jose: A Story of Redemption

This was a rough weekend for the blog's favorite human being, Jose Canseco. When most people are going through rough patches, they try to deal with things the best they can while possibly looking for help from family and friends. Jose scoffs at these people. When things are going bad for him, he turns to Twitter, because his followers need to know this information. For that, I thank you Jose. You are a true American hero. But let's go into a weekend of tweets from Jose while the world comes crashing down on him. We'll keep Jose's comments in normal font, and I'll put mine in bold.

JoseCanseco It is true I got evicted everything has gone incredibly wrong since I wrote the book juiced.I am now the modern day frankenstein
You want to talk about somebody bringing their A-Game to start the weekend, that's what Jose does right here. He starts it off by answering a question that nobody asked. Jose, I never asked you if you got evicted, so you don't need to pronounce the truthfulness if your statement before making it. Jose seems surprised that he got evicted, but considering that Jose has worked about as much as me in the last nine months, it would make sense that he got evicted. Come on Jose, if you want to live on your own and not have a job, you've got to live with your parents for two years so you can save up cash. Everybody knows that.

JoseCanseco Mlb has gone out of there way to distroy my life and they have succeded.I didn't realize how powerful they are till now.
It would be petty of me to point out his misspellings, because destroy and succeeded are two multi-syllable words, so we'll give him a pass on it. Let's focus on the message. Canseco recognizes the power of MLB as Major League Baseball has chosen to destroy Jose Canseco's life. It's a good thing that MLB is in a peaceful labor situation right now. If not, I imagine this meeting would happen:

Bud Selig: What are we going to do about this labor dispute?

Top Ranking Official: Well, Johnson and Smith are our best men. If we could get them working on it, we could get it taken care of in no time.

Bud Selig: You know that's not possible, they're still working on destroying Jose Canseco's life. We must keep our priorites straight. We'll get the Phillie Phanatic and the San Diego Chicken to take care of these less pressing issues.
(And yes, I do believe that the San Diego Chicken and Phillie Phanatic are the number three and four best people MLB has)

JoseCanseco I have lost everything. Makes you wanna cry but there's no crying in baseball.and my dad said men don't cry but he was wrong
This would seem to be the end of Jose's humor as MLB has finally defeated him, but never count out Jose Canseco, because he will stick it to you (Get it? It's a steroids joke).

JoseCanseco Someone should do a show called form the penthouse to the garage
At first I thought there was a typo, and he meant from the penthouse to the garage, but then Aaron Gleeman from Hardball Talk brought up that "Form The Penthouse to the Garage" would be an awesome show. I have to agree. I imagine a lot of people have Penthouses away from their garage and would love it if those two could be formed together to make a Penthouserage. Jose might be back on his feet if this idea takes off.

JoseCanseco I will play softball for food. Lol
Hell yeah, Jose will never stop making jokes, jokes so good that he has literally made himself laugh out loud. I sure hope somebody takes him up on the offer. I also hope that Stadium Club considers giving him a spot on the team for Snowbird Softball.

JoseCanseco I had to give away one of my dogs that broke my heart cause I love animals and I am surprised my girlfriend hasn't left me because I have 0
Is there anything coming up more exciting than Jose Canseco's girlfriend dumping him? Clearly, this is going to happen, and I don't think it's too far off. And once it does, the tweets are going to be off the chain. I also expect that this will directly lead to Jose and I becoming best friends...forever. This blog is going to be 1000 times cooler when I can write about me and my good chum Jose Canseco, palling around and scoping some strange. Jose finally took a break from Tweeting for a little bit, but he came back, and he came back strong.

JoseCanseco First of all tmz is lieing I shop at marshalls
Most disappointing part about this tweet was that it did not start an epic list of things that he needed the world to know. The second most disappointing thing was when I went to TMZ to see the story of "Jose Canseco Does Not Shop at Marshall's," I was unable to find it. In fact, TMZ hasn't had a story involving Jose Canseco since he wore a really tight shirt. That story was like a year ago. But just in case you read the imaginary story saying that Jose does not shop at Marshall's, don't worry about it, that imaginary story is lying. Jose's just like us, looking for great threads at great prices, don't let anything in Imaginationland make you think differently.

JoseCanseco I am sleeping in someones garage but its pretty good
I wonder if that person has been able to form his penthouse to the garage yet. I bet that's Jose's job instead of paying for rent.

JoseCanseco Yes I did sign with the laredo broncos I miss and love the game will be with them on monday
And despite MLB's best efforts, Jose Canseco is back, playing the game that he loves. Yes, it's independent ball, but it's not for the money, it's for the love of the game. Jose has been looking into becoming a manager, maybe he could be player-manager for Laredo. Jose, your star shines bright. You are a true (Cuban) American hero.

-Joe

P.S. Kenny Powers also tweets, this is what he had to say:
KFUCKINGP If you're not wasted, the fucking day is.

P.P.S. I really wish one of my friends was a Raiders fan, because this would be the ultimate slap in the face gift for them. At only $3, it would also make a pretty awesome fantasy football trophy.

When Wrestlers Act: Wrong Side of Town

So I finally got around to watching the movie, Wrong Side of Town, starring RVD with a strong supporting role from Batista. My expectations were not high going into this movie, but it absolutely blew me out of the water. Usually in my movie reviews, I'll give away some of the plot so you don't have to pain yourself by going through the movie. In this movie, I just want to go over some of the highlights so instead of drinking this weekend, you can find yourself having a raucous good time on The Wrong Side of Town.

:07 - We start with a sexy lady in the pool, and flash to a worker who is about use a chainsaw and some tree stump. Oh, but that’s not any old random worker, that’s RVD, Rob Van Dam. The chainsaw isn’t working, no big deal, RVD karate chops the wood. Hell yes he does.

:07 - Oh no, sexy pool lady has somehow drowned. RVD to the rescue, he gets her to safety…and what’s this? She was just messin; she had to practice for her drama class. Either way, Mom is grounding her for a month. RVD is bummed, but manages to talk Mom down to two weeks.

:08 - Just realized that RVD wasn’t a random worker, but is actually her father. RVD playing the role of Dad has me incredibly excited.

:09 - Now the neighbor just came by to ask for a hammer, and RVD told him he could help him with that, if he had a driver’s license and major credit card. Then he did this pose:

He looks mean, but he’s just kidding. The neighbor sure was nervous.

:09 – We learn that RVD hates the city, probably because he can never stay on the right side of town.

:10 – I know I’m only ten minutes in, but everything RVD says makes me laugh. This may be one of the greatest movies ever made.

:12 – The neighbor is a club owner’s lawyer. He tries to high-five the club owner, but he has none of it. The club owner does offer to comp their meal. The neighbor is pumped about the free meal, RVD is apprehensive and says that you always end up paying in the long run, could this be foreshadowing? I think so.

:17 – I can’t properly explain how awesome everything RVD says is. The neighbor’s wife came back without his wife, and he asked, “Where’s Dawn?” If I would have been drinking anything at that moment, it would have been spit on my computer.

:18 – RVD just killed a dude, his response, “He had it coming.” There is no such thing as remorse in the world of RVD.

:36 – RVD is about to trick people hired to kidnap him into thinking there are diamonds in his sock. This is awesome.

:37 – Just had this exchange:
Neighbor: Where did you learn to fight like that?
RVD: I watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies.

:39 – Turns out it wasn’t Jackie Chan movies where he learned to fight, it was in the special forces.

:43 – RVD is surrounded by bad guys, and they send in their big enforcer, MABEL! Hell yes.

:46 – RVD says he needs to call in an old debt. Who does he meet? BATISTA!

:47 – Some stripper just implied RVD was gay, apparently she can’t recognize a testosterone-fueled badass when she sees one.

:49 – So this movie just had the scene from Team America where the one guy tries to outact Alec Baldwin, except RVD and Batista just did the opposite.

:55 – Batista is having a conversation with a dead guy, it’s brilliant.

1:02 – What do all badasses need?

Badass Shades and...

A Badass Bike Helmet.

1:14 – Just imagine this sneaking up on you in real life.


1:16 – They are now playing slap hands during a knife fight.


And with that, I'm sure you are confused about what actually happens in this movie. All this movie involves is great acting, awesome action scenes, great acting, awesome RVD moments, and great acting. This movie was so manly that I had to manscape both before and after this movie. Still I HIGHLY recommend the movie Wrong Side of Town.

-Joe

P.S. If you want to watch a really crappy movie that will make you think and stuff, watch Inception, talk about a snoozer.

P.P.S. I haven't even seen that movie, but I probably just gave half of my readers a heart attack because everyone seems to think it's the greatest thing ever. Apparently those people never saw No Holds Barred.