It's Not Easy Being Beautiful

There has been a recent uprising over the power of words and how offensive they can be. In the past, it has been about races, whether it be Blacks, Hispanics, or Asians, every racial group has some derogatory term associated with their people. Recently, those with a non-conventional sexual orientation have been abused and bullied. All of these examples are terrible and truly represent the worst society has to offer.

Unfortunately, I have noticed a disturbing trend developing. There's a new group of people suffering the same level of discrimination and vitriol from the general public. It's become so ingrained in our everyday lexicon that most people probably don't even think twice when saying it. It's not right, and it needs to stop. How do I know so much about these discriminated people? Because I am one. That's right, I'm talking about the unjust cruelty towards attractive people.

Let me just give you a hypothetical situation of an attractive male walking by a group of people:

Person 1: Wow, check out the ass on that one.
Person 2: That guy is so sexy.
Person 1: He may be the hottest guy I've ever seen.

These people say these things, enjoy the view, and go about their day. Everything's fine, right? Wrong. I know the pain of that person walking by, because I AM that person walking by. None of those people ever took their eyes off my body to look up and see that I was reading an interesting book. It just made me feel...cheap.

Beautiful people are constantly told to shut up and look pretty, so I will be the voice of the voiceless. I didn't sign up for this; it just happened that I came out incredibly attractive. But just summing me up as the hot guy is extremely disrespectful. It doesn't take into account that I am incredible writer with a beautiful voice that can West Coast Dance with the best in the world.

Some claim that it is okay because of the benefits of being attractive. But there's benefits to everything. Asians are good at math, homosexuals dress really well, and black people have huge...athleticism. Yes, I do have women complimenting me on how amazing I am...constantly, but it doesn't mean I should take verbal abuse everywhere I go and be reduced to a simple description of "Hot."

And yes, many of you may think that me referring to myself as Hott Joe is hypocritical on my part. But it's the opposite. Much like rappers using the n-word, I call myself Hott to take over possession of the word. I refuse to be a slave to my beauty.

I don't like to think about it, but at my funeral, I get the sad feeling that people aren't going to talk about how hilarious I am, my vast intellect, or even how great I am in bed. It'll just be the superficial stuff like how stunning my jawline is, how great I look with my shirt off, and how I look even better with my pants off. It's not fair...and it's not right.

But this is my cross to bear. Luckily with my chiseled muscles in all the right places, it will be one that I carry with nothing but grace, dignity, and stunning good looks.

I'm not just another pretty face, so please, think before you speak.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody would like to cheer me on, I will be running The Bix 7 this Saturday. I will have my shirt off, but please cheer me for my great running style, not my great looks.

The Mariners Should Not Trade Felix Hernandez

I do not understand why every time that it is a trading season in baseball, people suggest that the Mariners should trade Felix Hernandez for prospects. Are the Mariners good right now? No, they are not good right now. Should they be looking towards the future? Yes, I think it's time to look towards 2012 and beyond, but this does not mean that giving up Felix Hernandez is a good idea.

First off, what kind of haul would make it worth their while? At first thought, people would think that Manny Banuelos, Dellin Betances, and Jesus Montero would be a great haul for the Mariners. But would it really? You're looking at two pitching prospects who always have the potential to break down and a hitter whose power has disappeared and if he improves his mobility, he might be able to play poorly at first base.

Does that sound like something the Mariners would want to do? No, that sounds like a ridiculously bad return for possibly the best pitcher in baseball. Yes, you can dream on prospects, but you don't have to dream on King Felix, because he's already awesome. And as great as building towards the future sounds, guess what? King Felix can help the Mariners in the future as well. The Mariners are not some small market team; they're owned by the same guys that own Nintendo, so if they need money, they've probably invented a real life Mario that can shit out gold coins.

On top of all of this, Felix is a goldmine for the Mariners as they have a whole section dedicated to his awesomeness every time he pitches. And he's a part of my favorite team commercial ever:

And when teams trade superstars, they almost always come out losers. Yes, the Rangers did do a hell of a job trading away Mark Teixeira to the Braves, but that is an exception, and I certainly wouldn't want to be the team that was betting on it happening again.

I realize there's this belief that every team that isn't the Yankees or Red Sox will lose their best players to those teams. Sometimes this is true, but when you have a generational talent like Felix Hernandez, you do not even think about trading him unless he makes it clear that he will not be resigning with the team. Judging by the fact that he is currently signed through 2014, I don't think they have much to worry about at the moment.

Long live Larry Bernandez.

-Joe

P.S. Since I'm talking baseball, here is an excellent article about the Braves' Brooks Conrad.

West Coast Dance Has Spread To Jamaica

This video was posted on Grantland yesterday, and it is truly inspiring to see this level of West Coast Dance has spread into other countries to become an international dance craze. Here are some of my West Coast Dancing brothers in Jamaica showing you how to break it down:

There's a lot of great moves in this video, with some new moves mixed in with WCD classics.

They start off simple, just bouncing their body parts into a ladies caboose. Whether it be the hip, the dick, the ass, or even a sidekick, it's all in good WCD fun.

Another thing I love that is just briefly shown is playing the bongos on a girl's ass. Just tap-tap-tap that ass, and she'll absolutely love it. This is risky as you must make sure it's just a tap and not a grab. Also, try to limit your taps to groups of 2-4, so she only feels slightly demeaned by your actions. Any more, you may upset the girl, or even worse, get a mother hen involved.

My favorite moves are when they put their spin on some classic WCD moves. It's a staple for West Coast Dancers to get low instead of their lady dance partner. But to get low, then slowly spinning while tapping the girl's ass with different parts of your body is a very money maneuver. Shoulders are nice, but a headbutt to the rear end is a quality move that will have the ladies begging for more.

Finally, there is one thing that makes it evident that these guys aren't just high on drugs and are absolutely West Coast Dancers. They share these women, not as if they are some sort of sexual desire, but as if she's merely a prop to enhance their WCD moves. These women mean nothing to them, and all West Coast Dancers know what this does to the woman: It makes her want these guys more than she ever thought possible.

Let's face it. Ladies all around the world can't resist the raw sexuality of West Coast Dance.

-Joe

P.S. Want to see something else that is badass? Here's Shonn Greene running over Wisconsin:

Bronies Are Jabronies

When reader Jacob asked me to write about Bronies, I was confused. At first, I thought he was shortening the word jabronies and he wanted me to write about the worst wrestlers in professional wrestling history. That's an awesome idea for an article, and I still might do it. My next thought was that maybe he was just missing the "w" in brownies, and he feels like it's the best dessert of all time (he'd be wrong, it's cupcakes). But then he told me to Google it, and it was much more disturbing than either of those ideas.

Bronies are adult males who love My Little Pony. Yes, I am talking about this My Little Pony:

So I thought I could write about the men who love My Little Pony, but they really aren't that interesting. They're just a bunch of adults who watch My Little Pony. It's a lot like my group of friends, except we chose the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and because of that, we are not incredibly depressing losers.

But there must be something behind this show. So I decided to watch an episode on YouTube. I have to say I'm not very familiar with the show. I think my sister may have had some of the toys, but my childhood memories of watching cartoons primarily center around G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling. At first I was going to watch Episode 1, so I wouldn't be confused on anything, but it was a two-parter, and I really didn't want to be left with a cliffhanger, so I decided to take my chances and go with Episode 13, "Fall Weather Friends".

:58 - I'm less than a minute in, and I am thanking this YouTube poster for providing a description, because these two characters who are playing a game of Horseshoes have called each other approximately 600 different names while talking shit back and forth. Luckily, I know that the blue Pegasus is Rainbow Dash and the pony with the cowboy hat is Applejack.

1:19 - Applejack wins the game of horseshoes (obviously). Rainbow Dash is pissed, so she does the obvious thing: She challenges Applejack to an iron pony contest.

6:06 - They have been competing in a bunch of stupid events and each keep taking their turn winning. They show eight events, and then announce that they are halfway through and the score is 5-5. I have no idea what the other two events were, but I'm guessing they were not safe to be shown to children.

8:05 - Rainbow Dash proceeds to win the next ten events, because she has wings. I found this outrageous, and so did Applejack, so she calls her out on it. RD's use of wings really parallels Barry Bonds' use of steroids in baseball. Some would argue that there were no rules against it, while others see it as blatant cheating and think that RD and Bonds disgraced their games.

9:31 - They are now running a marathon to see who the best pony is, with one stipulation: There will be no use of wings allowed.

11:14 - There is now a purple horse involved called Twilight. RD and AJ are laughing at her, because she's a nerd and can't win the race. She says she's never run a race but has read books about it. If this bitch, Twilight, wins the race, I'm going to be pissed.

14:35 - I'm pretty sure Joe Buck learned how to announce from this show. These announcers are the worst, especially Pinkie Pie. The show is in on the joke, which I'm sure nerds love, but it doesn't make it less annoying.

20:20 - RD and AJ battle it out and tumble to the finish line. They tie...for last place. Twilight took fifth, so at least I don't have to be pissed.

21:30 - Some Super Princess Pony teaches them a valuable lesson about behaving properly. AJ and RD decide to become great friends, and all is well in Equestria.

So, what did I learn from watching MLP? Not much. The show is tolerable, but not good. I have no interest in becoming a bronie. There's really no room for that in my life. But I am proud to be a Broski. Woo woo woo, you know it.

-Joe

P.S. What's the fastest growing domestic beer? That's right, Natty Light, bitches. Suck on that.

Ultimate Warrior's Fatherly Advice

So, The Ultimate Warrior tweets so fast that I can't keep up with everything that he says. Hence, about a month late, I would like to tackle his advice from Father's Day on how to be the ULTIMATE parent (you see what I did there?). I don't have kids, and I'm currently single, so unless something goes terribly wrong, I shouldn't have to worry about this type of stuff. Still, I think caring for a child is a lot like caring for a dog, so maybe I'll be inspired to get a puppy when all is said and done.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Happy Father's Day to all the REAL dads who get that Fatherhood is more than an orgasm. Warrior handshakes to u. Big hugs to your kids. AB-W

Seems like a simple and effective message. Nice job, Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#2 Being their protector and provider. #3 Looking straight into their eyes when I explain something to them or disipline them.

Oh, you're doing a list. Well, I'm not sure if realizing that fatherhood is more than an orgasm or big hugs to your kids is the first piece of advice, but either way, hey, let's check out this list. I like this early advice of staring into their advice to show that you have no weaknesses. I recently had a child hit a tennis ball that hit me in a very sensitive area. I wanted to cry, but I did not cry. Never show weakness.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#4 Telling teachers who try to teach them p/c & morally relative ideas or try kill their unique creative individuality to back the F' OFF.

I love this advice, because as this blog makes pretty clear, I love freedom of speech, but I also like to imagine the look of terror on the teacher's face when The Ultimate Warrior tells them to "Back the fuck off." I would not blame them if they peed themselves.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#5 Reading my girls to sleep every night and then sitting in the candlelight watching them breath while they are asleep.

Can we use a Batman nightlight if we don't have candles? It's just my preference. And also, once I see that their nervous system does keep them breathing while sleeping, can I leave and play video games? I mean, the Bears aren't going to win a Super Bowl in real life, so I'd like to at least get it accomplished on Madden.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#6 Standing at the sink, cupping their tiny hands in my big ones, washing theirs for them. #7 Their smell. #8 Hearing them say, Daddy.

This is where we run into problems. Number six can be seen as advice for fathers, but #7 is most definitely not advice. He lost track of what he was listing and then just starts naming things that he likes about his children. Well, shit, Warrior, that isn't going to help me be a better father. And what if I'm born with a child who has no smell? Should I love him less? I'm not sure, because you stopped giving any fucking advice on the topic.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#9 Their groans when I make them eat their egg whites. #10 How they snuggle up in my lap half-way through every movie. #11 Tiny, soft kisses

And you won me back. Any parent who makes their child eat egg whites instead of eggs is so unbelievably awesome that I could never stay mad at them. And he also went back to advice since he subtly promotes feeding children egg whites. Personally, with most people's diets, the difference in cholesterol between eggs and egg whites probably isn't going to make a substantial difference, but it's something I'll keep in mind when looking for ways to subtly torture my children.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#12 My daughter Mattigan’s wit and defiance-- like her mother’s. #13 My daughter Indiana’s concentration and intensity -- like who?
Do you mean like this guy?

I sure hope not, because if so, she's going to have a ton of brain damage.

And so wraps up The Warrior's fatherly advice. There was a lot of stuff in there, but I believe the important stuff is tell their teachers to fuck off, get a good nightlight, and feed them egg whites. Definitely feed them egg whites.

-Joe

P.S. This screenshot from LOLSlater is the only good thing that came from the Tori years.

Let's Check In With Jose Canseco

So apparently Jose had a mild (by his standards) breakdown on Twitter on Friday night. Unfortunately, by the time I woke up on Saturday morning, the posts had been deleted, and outside of him giving out his ex-girlfriend's phone number and telling interested parties to bring weed if they wanted to enjoy her company, I'm really not too sure what else he said.

But one night of a meltdown is never enough, so let's check in on Jose and see how he's doing.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I will never forget or forgive what u said to me leila ur evil

Okay, so apparently they're not back together. But what did she say? I was thinking about the worst things somebody could say to Jose Canseco, and these were the best I could come up with:

3. You are a terrible celebrity boxer.

2. Sandy Alderson called, he says you suck.

1. You'll never win a spelling bee.

If she said number three, I'd be disappointed in her, if it was two, I'd be impressed with her creativity, but if she said number one, that's just mean.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Be careful with woman who show off there tits and ass and think that's a career

I agree; there is a good chance they'll tell you that they can sex you for ten hours straight, but their version of sex is actually just them eating cupcakes. But that might just be a Midwest stripper thing.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Or have a bad drug problem u can't fix them

Wait, women with bad drug problems can't be spayed. Because if you can do it to a dog without its permission, I don't see why you can't do it to a woman without her permission. Avoid overpopulation, get your lady fixed today.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Would love to meet a nice holesome midwest girl here in chicago. We play tomorrow night at 7 pm in zion if anyone is out there for me

Jose has really lowered his standards. He's gone from Madonna to "holesome" girls. I mean, if your only criteria is that a woman has multiple holes, you really shouldn't have too hard of a time finding a mate. I mean, I've heard that those LA women are surgically altered and everything, but the fact that Jose has to come to the Midwest to find a "holesome" girl makes me very worried about what surgeries are actually happening out west.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

wholesome

Oh, I guess that makes more sense.

-Joe

P.S. This is an excellent way to propose to your main squeeze: