WWE Is Ruining... Cesaro

It finally happened. I have been using a randomizing system to find out who I would write about WWE ruining, and it finally happened. It landed on the wrestler that WWE has underutilized more than any other. A man who used to be known as Antonio, but is now simply Cesaro, possibly the greatest professional wrestler in the world.

Let’s pause for a moment, because I really want to reiterate that. Are we absolutely sure that Cesaro isn’t the best professional wrestler in the world? Like, what wrestler out there can really do more than Cesaro? His strength is other-worldly, and the guy has the ability to do fast-paced matches with ridiculous spots. He doesn’t do much high flying, but when you’re freakishly strong like that, you really don’t have to. Best pro wrestler in the world is about as subjective as it gets, but can anybody look at what Cesaro does in the ring and not have him in their top ten talents?

And yet, with 7 years on the WWE main roster, what do we have to show for it? He has six tag title runs, but five of those came in the last two years as him and Sheamus had completely unforgettable title runs as they never lasted to become anything meaningful. His only singles title was a US Title run which happened in August of 2012, just a few months after his debut. Since then, not one singles’ title run has happened. The incompetence to let something like that happen is truly incredible.

Now, there is one flaw with Cesaro, and it is one that is a deal breaker for the WWE. Cesaro is *gasp* foreign. You know, as in not from the United States. Now, if you’re Canadian, you can overcome this. Even England and Ireland are acceptable as English is at least their first language which is very similar to the American we speak here in the United States. Unfortunately, Cesaro is from Switzerland. Now, as simple Americans, you probably believe that they speak Swiss, but that’s not a language bozo. German is the most popular language, followed by French and Italian. Notably missing is American or English. Hence, he can never truly be a superstar, because even though he speaks fluid English, he has an accent while he does it which is just too much for the WWE Universe to handle.

WWE’s obsession with in-ring promos is another thing that hurts Cesaro. Asking Cesaro to do a big in-ring promo like John Cena is about the worst thing you can do. Cesaro, like Dolph Ziggler, likes to use subtlety and wit in his promos, so it doesn’t exactly work when you have to yell it in the middle of a ring in front of 10,000 people. Letting the guy do backstage work where he has shown plenty of personality would be hugely beneficial in making him a star.

There have been many different glimmers of hope that Cesaro would finally get the push he deserved, but they all died out before it could lead to anything meaningful. Right now, he is basically treated as a jobber. He’s had 107 matches this year, and he’s won 18 of those. Outside of Zack Ryder, No Way Jose, and a trip across the pond to take on Ilja Dragunov, even the wins he’s had over guys have been greatly outnumbered by the times he lost to that same wrestler. He’s not even a jobber to the stars; he’s a jobber to the midcard talent at this point. I’m not sure whether to classify this as a joke or a disgrace.

How to fix things? Easy peasy. Have Brock Lesnar destroy Kofi Kingston and win the World Title on the first Smackdown. Then, have Cesaro calmly walk out and snatch the belt from Lesnar. Lesnar goes to punch Cesaro, and Cesaro casually catches and stops Lesnar’s punch. Lesnar snatches the belt back but with a look of disbelief. Then have Lesnar and Cesaro do really cool strong shit to each other, put the title on Cesaro, and then have him start a feud with Sami Zayn, because I might as well go all out on this whole damn thing.

Cesaro is awesome. I really hope the WWE realizes that one day.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Akam
Ali
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Big Show
Bo Dallas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Braun Strowman
Brock Lesnar
Carmella
Chad Gable

Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Curtis Axel

Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Drew McIntyre

Elias

Ember Moon
Epico

Finn Balor

Goldust
Gran Metalik

Jey Uso
Jimmy Uso
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson

Kevin Owens
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Konnor

Lio Rush

Luke Gallows
Matt Hardy

Mickie James
Miz

Mojo Rawley

Natalya
Nia Jax

No Way Jose
Peyton Royce
Primo

Randy Orton

Rezar

Ronda Rousey

Ruby Riott

Rusev
Sarah Logan

Scott Dawson
Shane McMahon
Sheamus

Shinsuke Nakamura
Tamina

Tyler Breeze

Viktor

Zack Ryder

I Got My Ass Handed To Me By A Girl

As I mentioned a while ago, I have started grappling again. Call it jiu-jitsu, call it submission wrestling, call it whatever you want, but it's fighting without strikes (because I need to protect my pretty face). Not to brag or anything, but after a few weeks, I'm pretty well-respected for my skills in class. I'm not great, but I can beat a good portion of people and can push anybody.

So as practice starts, our coach will always pair people together. Since I'm getting pretty good, they will either pair me with somebody else who is pretty good, or they will pair me with somebody new to help teach them the moves that we are working on. My coach called out my name, and then he called out a girl's name. Since there was only one girl in the class, and she was very new, I'm like, "Cool, this should be an easy class where I can relax a little bit." What happened next was something out of a movie, as behind this girl stepped another girl who was about 5'5" and built like a brick shithouse. I'm not a big guy by any means, but I've got some decent-sized pipes for a skinny guy, and this girl's arms dwarfed mine. She was not fat at all, but she was just solidly built. Good for her, bad for me.

As we warmed up and went through some new techniques, she felt solid, but I'm pretty confident in my wiry strength, and I assume that anybody bigger than me just has popcorn muscles, you know, all fluff, no stuff. But I knew the moment was coming where we would have live sparring, and I'd have to prove myself.

Finally, it came time. And right before we were about to go at it, somebody tells me, "You know she's a wrestler, right?" and my only thought was, "Oh shit." Because I know that somebody with a ton of strength isn't all that difficult to beat if they don't know how to use it. I can usually out leverage bigger and stronger people due to my junior high wrestling abilities (this sounds like a joke, but somehow it is actually the case). Luckily for me, she had a foot issue so we locked up from our knees as opposed to starting on the feet. All it took was that first lockup for me to realize that she definitely did NOT have popcorn muscles. Her muscles were not fluff; they were all stuff. I have never been manhandled like that from that position. She threw me around like I was nothing, and then flew around like a damn ninja to take my back. I managed to get out of that bad spot, only for her to throw me against the cage and start passing my guard while grinding my head into the steel. It was not a pleasant experience.

But don't worry faithful readers, I was not going to give up. Because even though she had more strength and wrestling ability, she wasn't great with submissions, and she hadn't grappled in a while, so she didn't have a ton in the gas tank (which she admitted would be her issue before we started). As she grinded away at me from the top, I waited for my opening, and eventually, she went for a pass and I got her off balance and managed to end up on top of her. Since she was gassed at this point, I passed to side control and locked up my favorite submission, a key lock. I had beaten a girl, fuck yeah.

Although I did get the submission, don't get this story twisted; I got my ass handed to me. Had we been in a street fight (and yes, this would require me to live in some weird alternate universe where I fought random girls on the street), I not only would have lost, I probably would have had a hospital visit afterwards. And for me, that's not embarrassing; it's just a fact of life. I got my ass handed to me by a girl.

Through this experience, I feel as if I have learned some valuable lessons:

1. I take pride in my wiry strength, but there are still girls who can outmuscle me (fun fact: I later learned that she can squat 440 pounds, which is basically three of me).

2. Although Junior High wrestling in Iowa gives me a strong wrestling base, there are girls out there who have slightly better technique than that and can use it to manipulate my body in ways I never thought possible.

3. Although I had never really considered it, this just cements the fact that I should not challenge random girls to street fights, as I might just get my ass whipped.

You probably should have already known these three things, but if you didn't, I'm glad I could help you avoid the humbling experience.

Chicago Bears 2015 Draft Breakdown: Eddie Goldman

With the seventh pick in the second round, the Bears selected Eddie Goldman, a nose tackle out of Florida State. Since the Bears are transitioning to a 3-4 defense, nose tackle was one of their biggest needs, so on a strictly need basis, this pick makes a ton of sense. Still, reviews were mixed for Eddie Goldman, so I wanted to take a closer look and figure out exactly what the Bears got with this second round pick. Thanks to Draft Breakdown, I was able to watch his games against Florida and Louisville.

I had the following two thoughts after his Florida game:

1. The thing that most worries me about Goldman is that he is SLOW off the ball. Like everybody is moving, and then a beat later, he gets out of his stance. Offensive linemen were on him before he even had a chance to get any momentum going, and it was baffling to see. The ball is usually snapped right under his damn nose, and he was just hanging out in his three point stance, hoping a coach would bring him ice cream (no coach ever did in the games I watched).

2. When he finally got moving, he almost went to just stand straight up instead of plowing forward, so linemen got underneath him. For a nose tackle, I saw a single center or single guard take care of blocking him alone WAY too many times. The number one job of a nose tackle is occupying blockers to help others make plays. If he is getting handled by a single dude, he is really fighting an uphill battle to becoming a valuable asset. He's not going to make a ton of plays, but he has to be good enough to put his teammates in position to make plays.

I seriously thought he may be the worst player in the draft from what I saw in that game. It was shockingly bad. Then I watched his game against Louisville, and he was a completely different player.

He may have still been a hair slow coming off the ball, but it was nothing like the Florida game, and he was still able to get good leverage and power through offensive linemen. He got stood up and blocked easily in the Florida game, but he brought that ass in this game and just powered through Louisville's o-line.

And there was no lollygagging for him. He got after it. This play shows that hustle.

That's not just impressive hustle for a nose tackle, that'd be impressive hustle for a linebacker. He can't quite catch the running back, but he had a little help from his friends.

Watch what he does to the Louisville right guard on this play.

That is simply not fair. Unfair, some might say.

There was a little technique on that last play. You want to just see brute strength from him? Yeah, I can do that.

That center is absolutely helpless there. That's the kind of potential that Goldman brings to the Bears.

After taking everything in, I would say that his ceiling may be even higher than Danny Shelton's. When this guy goes, he GOES, and he looks like an unstoppable force. It's a ton of fun to watch. But this guy could also be released before his rookie contract ends if he is not motivated and shows more of that Florida-Goldman. If the Bears think they can keep him motivated, it should turn into a great pick. A nose tackle's job is take up space, but if Goldman isn't motivated, he'll only be a waste of it.