The 11 Most Awesome Parts Of "Raw Deal"

Raw Deal is a movie made in 1986 that stars Arnold Schwarzenegger. This was the movie he made between Commando and Predator, my two favorite Arnold movies. I happened to come across it one day on Showtime. I watched about five minutes before deciding that I needed to get it on the DVR so I could watch it from the beginning. This turned out to be a great decision. It is not nearly as good as Commando or Predator, but it still has some awesome parts. Let's go through those. Also, for those planning on watching movies 26 year old movies, there are some spoilers in here.

1. It starts off with two guys playing Trivial Pursuit, because this is a thinking man's movie.

Guy 1: How many times was John Wayne nominated for an Academy Award?
Guy 2: Probably not enough.

And Guy 1 gave him credit for this answer in Trivial Pursuit. They were then all murdered, probably for being bad at Trivial Pursuit.

2. A villain made a guy stare in the mirror with a gun to the back of his head. Said, “So you want to be a witness, witness this.” Because he saw himself being murdered. That was totally badass.

3. Arnold is chasing a guy on a motorcylcle in his Jeep. It’s basically like Dukes of Hazzard meets Tokyo Drift, only with motorcycles. Motorcycle guy appears to get away, but Arnold knew a shortcut, and waited for him to drive by so he could set the road on fire with gasoline and his cigar. The plan works to perfection, and it is totally awesome. Let's face it, setting people on fire is always awesome.

4. Arnold’s got a nagging wife. She is only in this one scene, but it is definitely the best scene of the movie. It's probably one of the ten best scenes in cinematic history. Enjoy.


5. Some bigshot at the FBI reaches out to Arnold, because his son got killed. If Arnold completes his mission, he'll be back in the FBI. Arnold’s first order of business is obvious. He goes to a shut down power plant and basically sets off a nuclear bomb by setting that thing on fire. This seems like a pretty over-the-top of way of faking his death, but now he is free to infiltrate the mob. His drunk wife will probably be busy putting hilarious words on cakes.

6. Arnold is now slicking back his hair. He goes to a shady gambling hall looking like a high roller. He then acuses them of having a tilted craps table. He proves it, and then says, “Magic…or MAGNET!” while flipping over the table and then hauling ass on a bunch of bad guys. Somehow, nobody in an illegal gambling parlor has any guns handy. He then goes outside. The bad guys think it’s over. The bad guys are wrong. Arnold drives a tow truck straight through their building. And I do mean straight through. He goes in one side and out the other with no problems. There is no way that building was up to code.

7. Arnold goes to an exclusive, classy, gambling place and obviously just owns at the Blackjack table. I don’t know why he didn’t do this when he was a lowly sheriff, probably could have led a much happier life. He makes a ton of money, and then just hands all of his chips to the blonde sitting next to him

8. I would like to point out that there is nothing related to this scene later in the movie. It ends, and we accept what the P in Joseph P. Brenner stands for.


9. WARNING: They go to a strip club, and I’m like, wow, that broad is ugly. Then I realized they were in a crossdressing strip club, so, needless to say, I was happy I wasn’t attracted to any of the strippers. This would be a great time to trick a buddy into saying that the girl is hot, just so he isn't called a "Fagmo" for not liking strippers. That would be the mature thing to do.

10. Arnold blasts the window out of his car, and then proceeds to pop in a cassette, so he can play the Rolling Stones, “Satisfaction.” You bet your ass that he proceeds to go on a killing spree. He never even looks at his target, just points, shoots, and kills.

11. Arnold ends the movie by inspiring a cripple to walk. I’m not joking. You don't believe me? Well, let's go to the video:

Yeah, this movie is awesome.

Keep The Beer Flowing

So I went for an all-day drinkathon while tailgating this weekend. Whenever I do something like this, I am reminded of the Toby Keith song where he says, "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once, as I ever was." At 28 years old, that is where I am at when it comes to my drinking days.

Things did not start out well as the gas station we stopped at did not have any Natural Light. I knew I was going to have to switch to swill later on when we went to the bar, but I was not hoping to start out with it. Oh well, Bud Light it is.

Drinking starts at 8:00 AM, because it was an afternoon game, so I was able to get by with a later start. I proceeded to drink about a dozen beers and eat a whole gang of free tacos. That is really the best thing about tailgating. Every single person tailgating somehow makes way too much food, so people are always looking to give food away. If I was homeless, I would just buy a college/pro shirt of whatever city I was in, and have like 8-10 awesome meals each year. I really hope there are homeless people reading this at the public library.

Then it was time to the bar, because football is not a fun sport to watch in person, as when you are at the game, you realize how slow of a game football is. Also, since it was a college game, I would have had to stop drinking. We get to the bar about 15 minutes before the game starts, and I somehow manage to weasel my way into a seat by the bar. This is the last good news from that bar, because I am a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes, and they managed to shit the bed, the couch, and the recliner. They just shit everywhere.

Then we went to this crappy little dive bar that is a couple blocks away from the serious action. Some lady, who was obviously trying to impress me, put some money in the jukebox and let me pick the songs. So I put on a bunch of awesome songs. You bet your ass that I put on some "Moondance" by Van Morrison, because I am a classy gentleman. I proceeded to dance and romance throughout the song.

I also decided to put on Roxanne, so we could play the Roxanne drinking game (one person/team drinks every time Sting says Roxanne, the other/team does it when he says Red Light). Unfortunately, my one buddy had not gotten back with our beers when the song started, so another buddy and I started singing. We were warned for singing too loud...at a bar! We did calm down, but mostly because it was during the verse and not the refrain. When the refrain hit, we took it to another level as we battled to see who could be more awesome while singing the song. You really haven't lived until you have shimmied and screamed "Roxanne" into a friend's face in a public place. We were asked to leave, but I do not blame myself or my friend, I blame their service, because if we would have had beers, we could have just harmlessly slammed our 20th (estimate) beer of the day. Keep the beer flowing, and we keep the harmless, good times going.

To top it all off, later on my buddy passed on the beers and switched to liquor and ended up face planting at the end of the night. This is what happens when you don't keep the beer flowing. Some say beer before liquor, never been sicker. They could say that beer before liquor can be a real ass kicker.

I Will Not Be Grantland's Fantasy Football Writer

Grantland had a contest to become their fantasy football writer. They asked for the top five players this year and one sleeper. That is, quite possibly, the most boring writing concept ever. Also, anyone who claims to be a fantasy guru is a moron, especially when it comes to fantasy football where if you just manage a healthy team, you will be competitive. Even though I decided to play within the rules, much like the cast of Suits, I also managed to still play by my own rules. The following is the article that, somehow, did not lead me to the writing championship.

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Becoming Grantland’s fantasy football writer has long been a dream of mine. I remember growing up last week and seeing that Grantland was having a competition for their Fantasy Football writer. I knew that it was my destiny. Well, guess what? It’s this week, and that little boy with a dream is now a 28-year-old with loads of free time, and it is time for my dream to become a reality.

Calvin Johnson – If you are looking for guaranteed points, look no further, because this guy is a fantasy stud. Do you know how tall Calvin Johnson is? Probably not. I have it on good authority that someone tried to measure him using a yardstick. They then brought out a second yardstick, and he was taller than both yardsticks combined. A yard is three feet, and since he is approximately three yards tall, that makes Calvin Johnson nine feet tall. Do you know how fast Calvin Johnson is? Of course not, because Calvin Johnson is as fast as our hands. Since the hand is faster than the eye, he is too fast for the world to ever get a proper measurement on his speed. When Usain Bolt feels a gust of wind, he fears it is just Calvin Johnson lapping him. So, yeah, good luck stopping Calvin Johnson this year.

Ricky Stanzi – Yes, the Kansas City Chiefs backup quarterback may not seem like a wise choice at first, but take a closer look, and I think you will find that he should be your top priority on draft day. Ricky Stanzi loves America.

I mean, the man really loves America.
Fantasy football has surpassed apple pie on the Most American rankings. It’s football, which is a sport that is only played in America. You create a hypothetical team that many cheer for over the team that they grew up rooting for in order to get bragging rights over their friends. This is what Abraham Lincoln envisioned after killing a vampire and signing the Declaration of Independence. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Bo Jackson – So this one is cheating a little bit. I have a football simulator called Tecmo Super Bowl. Although I have not judged the results of my simulator against real-world results, I am nearly positive that it is the most accurate simulator in the world. For the last 21 seasons, the top fantasy performer has been Bo Jackson. I do not see that changing anytime soon. As long as he remembers to zig zag to obtain optimal speed as opposed to running a straight line, I really don’t see how any team is going to be able to stop him.

Mike Ditka – His versatility is what adds so much value for Ditka. He can not only fill in in your Coach position, but he can also fill in at the role of Tight End, Analyst, or Mustache. This is the type of fantasy stud that you can build a team around. If that’s not enough, take solace in the fact that you can never go wrong with Ditka.

Josh Scobee – That’s right, a kicker. A lot of you are under the impression that kickers are worthless in fantasy leagues, but it is actually quite the opposite. Little known fact, on 98% of touchdowns, the kicker scores. It is an obscure rule known as the point after touchdown. People in the know refer to it simply as the PAT. A kicker will kick this and get a point. Only bad kickers miss these, and Josh Scobee is not a bad kicker. He will also have plenty of chances as Maurice Jones-Drew is holding out meaning that he will be well rested for the season. If that isn’t enough of a reason, Blaine Gabbert is in his second year and has already bought property in the end zone, because he plans on spending most of his Sundays there celebrating with teammates.

SLEEPER: Washington Sentinels Defense – All the attention goes to Shane Falco, but this defense deserves respect. After trailing 17-0 after the first half in their final game, they did not give up another point and won 20-17. That scoreless second half is a sign of things to come this season.

Get those guys, and you will definitely be going home with a fantasy championship this year. Also, if you are one of my friends that I am in a league with, don’t read this. I really should have put that at the top. Aw, crap.

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So, yeah, I don't understand how I lost either. As a consolation prize for anyone checking this post out five years later, here is a mashup picture I made on Paint for my team Robert Kelley Kapowski:

I Suck At Basketball

I used to be decent at basketball. I was an okay shooter, even though my shot is very, very ugly. The strongest part of my game was defense, because I was quick, and I had the mindset that I was as good as the black kids. I wasn’t, but I still was never intimidated. Also, since a lot of defense is focus, I was able to focus on that, because offense was for nerds anyway.

I have not touched in basketball in years. I have not played consistently in over a decade. But there is never anybody at the basketball courts at my gym early in the morning. I figured that would be a fun way to get a light exercise in on some mornings, so I had my parents get me a basketball for my birthday (yes, my parents do still get me birthday presents). I headed to the gym on Tuesday to shoot around. I threw the ball up, expecting the worst, and the ball went in. Hum, I did not see that coming. Then I took another shot and…swish. Um, okay. I proceeded to hit 7 out of 10 of my first shots, and I was feeling good about myself. Really good. I was strutting around like I farted Swagger Deodorant. You can probably guess what happened next.

The wheels fell off. Holy shit was I awful after those first shots. Airballs, bricks, and just generally ugly shots littered my shooting session. It was awful. I was awful. I decided to nail all the shots from a 3 point contest before heading home, and it took me like 40 shots to do it. I made two threes in a row and decided that would be a good place to stop. I decided to hit a layup to make it three in a row and BRICK. Jesus, how does someone brick a layup? I don’t know how, but I know that I managed to do it. I had to shoot for another three minutes before I hit two shots in a row again and decided I did not need to give myself the ultimate challenge of hitting a fucking layup. Christ.

Since I hate being bad at stuff, I decided I was going to improve. I am going to force myself to keep at it by giving updates of my progress. Occasionally, I will shame myself on this blog, but for the most part, I will give updates via twitter (@HottJoe) every time I shoot hoops. I am going to focus on the 5 spots in the three point contest and free throws. I plan on taking 100 shots from one spot on the court every time I go and shoot. I started in the right corner, because when I was growing up and playing hoops in the back alley, I could knock down shots from the right corner like I was freaking Craig Hodges. Since I knew I kind of sucked, I figured I would shoot for 30-100. I’m shooting wide open threes, and shooting the same shot over and over so I should be able to get on some hot streaks and at least hit 30 uncontested threes. Here are my results, and,*Spoiler Alert* holy fuck was I wrong.

So I missed my first 7 shots. No big deal. I’m just getting warmed up. I should get on some streaks later where I can make up the ground. The 8^th shot goes in, so I’m not feeling good, but I’m still feeling alright.

Status: 1-8

I do not heat up. I occasionally hit a shot, but I do not hit them often. That 1-8 was an ominous sign of things to come. I keep shooting, but 30% is looking near impossible at this point.

Status: 5-40

I’m still confident. I don’t know why, but I just assumed that I could point to my 5-40 start and then show the progress I was able to make as I attempted more shots. I still think a 25-60 finish, although improbable, is still possible. I love me some me, but slowly, I am beaten down as shot after shot goes in and out. Things are not improving.

Status: 8-69

Things actually get worse. Airballs, bricks, and can it even be considered a brick when you hit the side of the backboard? Because I definitely did that a few times. My longest streak of shots made stands at one. That’s right, through 88 shots, I have not made two in a row. It is impressive how bad I am at this. 30% ain’t happening. 20% would take a near-miracle. I’m honestly just hoping that I can hit one more and get above 10%.

Status: 10-88

And then, it finally happens. I start heating up…by my standards. I hit 3 of 10. Still can’t hit two in a row, but at least I am above 10% for the day.

Status: 13-98

It is at this point that I realize that I need to keep shooting until I can end on a made shot. This slightly pumps me up, because I know I will end on a high, but it also slightly depresses me, because I just had my hottest streak by hitting 3 of 10, and it may take me until shot 120 to make another one. I take shot 99, and it actually goes in.

Status: 14-99

Now the pressure is on. I have not done nearly as well as I thought I would, and I had pretty low standards to begin with. If I hit this shot, I get to go home. Not only that, but a make here means that I have an actual streak of two shots made, something that I have not been able to accomplish through my first 99 shots. I take a deep breath, focus, exhale and shoot…SWISH! I have made it. You better believe I gave a little fist pump, grabbed up my gear and jogged out of the gym with a smile beaming on my face. I was a winner.

Status: 15-100

And so goes the first of many shooting sessions for me. I think it's safe to say that I still need a little work on my game.

Suits Power Rankings: Season 2 Finale

So here we are. After a full season of coverage on lawyers who play by their own rules, it has come down to nothing more than one final episode of Suits. It is sad to see them go, but Suits definitely went out on a high note. Check out last week's rankings here. Now onto our final rankings:

1. Mike Ross - Mike is super sad about his grandma passing. By passing, I mean she died, not that she became quarterback of an NFL team. He would have probably been pretty happy about that. But he decides that it is time to get happy as he buys some of that wacky tobacky. Doesn't Mike the Lawyer know that weed is a gateway drug? It is a gateway to yelling at your boss and getting sent home early, so you can smoke weed, and then the next day, two hot chicks will want to have sexy time with you. Oh yeah, and then your boss will party with you where you will decide it is a great idea to piss in your enemy's office. So that is why you should not smoke mariju...um, wait a second...does anybody where I can get some weed?

On top of all of that, he helps get Hardman fired by putting his signature on a document which totally fooled all of them Harvard educator law dogs. He celebrates with more weed and sex. Great job, Mike.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey wants to leave the firm, but non-compete clauses. Harvey lost his office and is coming after Hardman. Harvey smokes weed from the coffee cart guy. "Harvey Specter doesn't get cotton mouf" may be my favorite line from the entire season. He can eat entire bags of pretzels when stoned. Harvey also admitted to pissing in Louis's office back in the day. Weed also makes him a better lawyer, because he figured out that Hardman framed him on the Coastal Motors case. Donna didn't screw up, which does make a lot more sense. Harvey beats Tanner into telling him the memo was fake. He uses this information to get Hardman fired, because he cost all of the partners $100,000, so I'm kind of surprised he wasn't murdered. All is well with the world.

3. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN is cool as a cucumber on this vote. HARDMAN is taking over as managing partner. It is good to be HARDMAN. He is even being all nice to Harvey to his face, but he's coming after Harvey. He sends Louis to get dirt on Harvey, and then requires drug tests for everyone, because they knew that Harvey had smoked weed. They were ready to fire Harvey when he had the tables turned and lost his job when they found out about his evil plan to take control of the firm. He leaves by saying this isn't the last page of this story. And I know he loses in the end, but he totally played by his own rules the entire time, so he deserves to be ahead of the next person on this list.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica loses the vote, but is staying firm at the firm and waiting for a moment to strike. She stays calm, which is a wise move instead of making a rash decision while she was angry. She stays cool and just kind of stays out of the way until Harvey finds a way to get her back as Managing Partner.

5. Louis Litt - Louis is going to try to help Hardman get rid of Harvey. Louis is treating Harvey like his bitch, getting him to do his leg work, and then making him second chair on his case. It's a really great time to be Louis. Then Donna makes him sad by telling him that he's a piece of shit, but he recovers, has Harvey dead to rights with the drug tests, but since Harvey never loses, he wins again, and Louis is left without any friends in the office. But he's still Senior Partner; they can't take that away from him.

6. Travis Tanner - Fights Harvey and also declines to answer a lot until telling Harvey that the memo was a fraud. Still, he got some good punches in, which may be the biggest loss that Harvey has ever experienced, so good for him.

7. Paul Porter - Took Harvey's office. But now that Hardman is no longer in power, he will probably be giving it back.

8. Harold - Where was Harold this episode? Probably smoking weed and having a ninesome with eight Perfect Ten models. What, you don't know what a ninesome with models is like? You should ask Harold about it. Holler playa!

And so ends this season of Suits. But hey, new episodes start in January, so we will not have to wait long to find out that Harold has gone from Associate to Managing Partner at Pearson-Harold, because, yes, I assume his name is Harold Harold.

All 13 Pranks In the Movie, The Prankster

I love teen comedies. I am not going to deny this. Most of them are god awful, but I cannot help but watch every single one that I come across. Teen comedies are my second favorite genre of film, right behind Vin Diesel movies. Nobody can top the Diesel. But teen comedies are easier to write about, as I have done so with Frat Party, MILF, and College. In this one, there is a group of diverse individuals who are The Pranksters. They perform really funny tricks on people who deserve it, because although they have a good sense of humor, they are noble and shit too. I am going to go over every prank in the movie to show how you how funny these dudes (and dudette) are.

Prank 1:
Their first prank is a real knee slapper. They alter the mic so the Dean (of their high school) has a super high pitched voice. Then they manage to drop down a big button that says "Do Not Press The Button." The Dean is so pissed about his mic that he presses the button. BIG MISTAKE. A giant screen drops down that has a fat black woman dancing on the screen in skimpy clothing. Everyone in the high school is rolling on the floor laughing, because fat people + skimpy clothing + minorities = major giggles.

Prank 2:
They put a fake name on a teacher's roll call. The teacher tries taking attendance for a Mungus, a Hugh Mungus! Great job, fellas.

Prank 1 by The Jocks:
I guess I should include the pranks by The Jocks as well, even though they are mean spirited and definitely NOT funny like The Pranksters. The jocks don't even look like jocks. It's just a fat kid, two nerdy buddies, and a 30 year-old black dude who wears a gold chain. I decided to look up the black guy and his name is Big Spence. This is important, because Big Spence acted in a movie called Tetherball: The Movie. Here is the poster for Tetherball: The Movie.

Yep, Ron Jeremy, Screech, and Dan "The Beast" Severn. Why did nobody tell me this movie existed?

Anyway, back to the jock prank. They pull down one of the Prankster's shorts, which is ONLY funny if the Harlem Globetrotters do it. When the Globetrotters do it, I have trouble breathing, because I start laughing so hard that I can get the air to go out, but I can't get the air to come back in, because of all the laughs that I am having.

Prank 3:
To get back at the jocks, they messed with the fat kid by altering his driver's test simulation. At first, they just made him fail, but then they made him run over children before getting launched into outer space. He was dodging the simulated space lasers, which was soooooooooooooo funny. He was super pissed when he found out it was The Pranksters who did it.

Prank 4:
They had the girl Prankster write a love letter to the Dean that was from the French teacher. Then they wrote a love letter to the French teacher from the Dean. This is the first cliffhanger prank, but don't worry, major laughs are forthcoming when we get to Prank 8.

Prank 5:
They change an article about the hot cheerleader from a story to her being a Senior Superstar to it being a question whether she is real or store bought? HA! That is rich. The hot cheerleader screams when she sees the article, which is another point in the movie where we laugh at how funny it is.

Prank 6:
The fat jock was named Lettermen of the Week which excited him. Then he opened his locker and The Pranksters made a flyer that said LetterWOMEN of the Week, where guys heads were put on women's bodies, which is hella demeaning and hilarious. Then fat kid started getting turned on by the picture of him in a bikini. That is GROSS but also very funny.

Prank 7:
They brought the pranks to a new level with their fake names for roll call. The first one was a lady with the name Yerkoff, Ivana Yerkoff. Say it fast, you'll get it. Got it? HILARIOUS! The next one's last name is Wang. First name is Long. LONG WANG! That's so funny it's stupid! If you have not had enough laughs, the last student is Dick Hertz. Man, I was laughing so hard that I nearly missed out on the teacher asking, "Who's Dick Hertz?" Five guys raised their hands which just added to the greatness of the joke.

Prank 2 by The Jocks:
Blotto, the fat kid, gives one of The Pranksters a swirlie for revenge on him being good at basketball. It was a real jerk maneuver. He was also the fat douche in Frat Party which I have reviewed before. In other celebrity news, the star quarterback played the high school student that Dee tried to bang on an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Still, not a cool move, jocks, or should I say JERKS.

Prank 8:
They are going to release balloons at the talent show. Sounds pretty tame, huh? What if I were to tell you that these balloons were filled with SLIME? Yeah, they were, and it was total chuckles all the way around. On top of that, The Dean bangs the French teacher right behind the curtain at the back of the stage. This sounds pretty hot and sexual, but it's major laughs once one of The Pranksters pulls the curtain open so everyone can see them The Dean getting frisky with the French teacher's downstairs.

Prank 9:
The Dean gives himself a motivational speech in front of a mirror so he can bang the French teacher. Little does he know that it's a two-way mirror, so The Pranksters videotape him doing this. You'll never guess what happens next. They show the tape to everybody! That shit was cray cray and funnier than Funyuns...Funyuns that tell jokes.

Prank 10:
They try to get the fictional character of Dick Hertz nominated as Student Body President. This is maybe the funniest laughs that were laughed during the tenth prank of this movie...PSYCH! The funniest laughs that were ever laughed were when it turns out that there was a new transfer student whose real name was...DICK HERTZ! That's side-splitting comedy, and I may have gotten a hernia from laughing so hard.

Prank 11:
The Student President is a nerdy pest throughout this entire movie. He is competing with one of the Pranksters for best grades in their class. He wins some award at the end and is giving a speech. I was really disappointed, because it looked like the nerdy guy won. Then they blasted a really loud fart noise through the speakers. Nerdy kid was distraught. I was too busy laughing to care.

Prank 12:
The main guy announced that he was a Prankster during his speech which should have meant that he wouldn't get his diploma, but then everybody in the crowd started announcing that they, too, were Pranksters. This was not a prank for laughs. This was a prank for honor and respect. Mad props Pranksters.

Prank 13:
They had fireworks shoot out of the lights,which was another really nice moment. Then they flew a model airplane at the Dean, which was a super hilarious moment, because The Dean was TERRIFIED. Great job, Pranksters.


Yes, all of these pranks actually happened. And that didn't even give me time to mention that The Dean also teaches gym class. You really need to see it for yourself. Be sure to watch this movie while sitting on the floor, as you may roll off your couch/chair/bed and hurt yourself from all the intense laughs.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 9

Suits has one more week left, but this was the final week for Franklin and Bash. Even with their lack of partying and shenanigans, it is still tough to say goodbye. Enough with the chit chat. For last week's rankings, click here. For this week's rankings, just read below you dingus.

1. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN makes Louis senior partner, which actually makes sense, because he, like everyone else in the firm, wins all of his cases. But he also informs Louis to keep it a secret so he can have the winning edge when they vote for managing partner at the next meeting. That is the definition of playing by your own rules, and I absolutely love it. Jessica tries to call out HARDMAN, but HARDMAN is cocky as hell about everything, so he don't give a what about anything Jessica has to say. Louis confronts HARDMAN about making him the fall guy, but HARDMAN just tells him the truth as calm as can be. Then he makes himself look like a changed man who cares about Louis. He is playing chess while others are playing checkers. HARDMAN is playing Louis like a fiddle, and it is some really beautiful work.

2. Peter Bash - Unfortunately, Bash is not a lawyer, so he should not qualify for these rankings. But since that was a technicality, I feel like I can keep him in the rankings as a technicality. Bash got a letter saying that he can't practice law, but that can't keep him off the rankings, because everybody knows that Franklin and Bash only PLAY law. Practice is for sissies. He's still going to represent for his boy from high school, Tommy Dale, who is running for governor. Bash is a witness and just when they think they have them on the ropes, he reveals that there was infidelity in the gubernatorial candidates' marriage, but it was his wife...with the campaign manager's wife. This is what I mean when I say that Bash plays law. He don't need no practice, not when lesbian actions are involved. Bash then uses "country hardball" to get Tommy Dale a new campaign manager. The guys save the day by throwing a party and finally inviting the partners. They also flew the flight attendants back to the party, because of course they did.

3. Jared Franklin - Franklin dropped, approximately, 67 one liners in this episode. It was like the writers had all of these lines they wanted to use in the season and realized they had only used 11 of the 78 they had written, so they just let Jared have at it. He was burning people nonstop. He recovered from the awful one liners by getting drunk and raising havoc on the Franklin flight. Since they are equity partners, they can't be fired, so they may as well live it up. The guys both get arrested, but no big deal, they don't just know lawyers, they have lawyer friends.

4. Jessica Pearson - She is in an absolute war with HARDMAN on who will take over the firm. She makes Harvey be nice to Louis. Jessica's go to line is, "I send you to do one thing, and you can't do it," every time she tells Harvey to do something. That doesn't work if you use it every time you need something. She was going to try to play nice, but she got her panties in a bunch, and then made Louis shit his with a threat that she would curb stomp him if she voted against him. Okay, so maybe those were not her exact words, but it was definitely implied, and that kind of street lawyerin' is something to be respected.

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey begs to get Donna back, and she does, because, sadly, she seems to have no other options. His big case is defending an asshole sports broadcaster, where all the broadcaster has to do is apologize and the whole thing is over. Obviously, the broadcaster won't apologize, so it turns into a whole big mess that I will talk about later. He also has to try to buddy up to Louis, because Jessica makes him, but he fails at that plan. He should have used that Roger Maris's record breaking bat to break some rules, as he played by the rules the entire episode. It was not Harvey's strongest week.

6. Mike Ross - Michael is getting a place for his grandma, but let's face it, he's only doing that to help him pick up chicks and it totally worked on Rachel.

Now that we have that nice little story out of the way, this is the time where I rant about how awful it is when shows try to get into sports, and only show that they don't know what the hell they are talking about. So this baseball player named Solis took steroids but had other players take his drug test. That is ridiculous and would never, ever, ever, ever ever ever, work. The guy who knew would have to testify, but at that point, it would be one man's word versus another. This would get dragged out in court for at least two years, in which Solis may have to take a drug test, which he could easily pass. That means he could slowly ween himself off of steroids and have a natural decline as a player ages without anyone being the wiser. And that is only if you think that steroids have a huge impact on players. There is probably an impact, but it is not going to turn a AAA player into a superstar. Of course, Mike gets Roberto Solis to retire in the prime of his career to save his reputation, which no MLB player would ever do. Diatribe over.

Finally, my condolences to Mike for the passing of his grandma. She was an all-time great airline employee, and although I knew she was never going to see that apartment, I was still bummed when she died. I hope Mike finds his other grandma, who is just the same lady wearing glasses.

7. Louis Litt - Louis made senior partner, and you best believe he is going to live it up. Louis did something that I really want to incorporate, and that is doing a spin while casually walking down the hallway. Also pointing to girls asses and asking random people for high-fives is pretty money as well. He was really the center of attention of the episode, but he was rarely the center of any scene. It was always what Harvey, HARDMAN, and Jessica were doing in regards to him, but hey, spins, high-fives, and ass points still earn you points on these rankings.

8. Roger Dempsey - He is looking to get Infeld-Daniels dissolved, because Franklin and Bash never invited him to their "legendary" parties. When he finally does get invited, he spends the entire night in the hot tub. Classic Dempsey. He may be my new favorite lawyer at Infeld-Daniels.

9. Harold - He is about to get a tattoo with his bonus money. Although he never stated it, I'm guessing he is blowing the rest on hookers and coke. 

10. Brock Daniels - He could swing the vote one way or the other, but he's busy delivering horses by reaching all up inside of them. Then decided to screw over everybody so he could go fly fishing. I was going to hold that against him, but that is hella playing by your own rules.

11. Hanna Linden - Hanna admitted to keeping a file, but it was cool, because she was showing major cleavage, so all is good. She also is a Facebook investigator and found that Brock Daniels was going to vote for Leonard Franklin's buyout. I hope she remembered to like his status.

12. Stanton Infeld - He might lose his firm, so he trusts Franklin and Bash to save it for him, because they are pretty much the greatest lawyers ever. Although I need to give props to him breaking into Elton John's post-Oscar parties, his best lie was that he was backup goalie on the 72 Swiss Olympic hockey team. He made Franklin and Bash super sad when they found out that he only hired them as a poison pill for his own company, but then he crashed their party, so all was forgiven.

Franklin and Bash are now done, so it will strictly be a Suits rankings for their final episode. Remember, lawyers, play by your own rules, and one day, you can make this illustrious list.

Why Do People Hate Toe Shoes?

I love my Vibram Five Finger shoes. I just want to be up front about that. If you do not know what those are, they are the toe shoes. I have never started a conversation about my shoes with someone, but many people have asked me about them, and I tell them how comfortable they are and how I enjoy running in them and basically doing anything in them. Most people who talk to me seem very interested in the shoes.

But then I go on the internet. And the internet fucking hates toe shoes. I have seen otherwise reasonably people rant and rave about how only douchebags wear the toe shoes, and how they are even bigger assholes if they wear them when they are just out and about, because, god forbid, you find a comfortable pair of shoes and use them for everyday activities.

I remember seeing Crocs for the first time and thinking, "Wow, those are some really stupid looking shoes. I will never buy those." I never thought that anybody who wears them is automatically a douche, and I never really gave it a second thought, because I really don't care what people wear on their feet. Yet, I constantly see people ranting and raving like a bunch of lunatics on how anyone who wears Toe Shoes should go kill themselves, and at some point, it becomes a little much.

I love my Vibram Five Fingers. Maybe you're one of those people that hate my shoes, but you know who else hated toe shoes? Hitler. That's why the Nazis wore boots. So, if you want to be a Hitler loving, toe shoe hating, Nazi, be my guest. But they're super comfortable, I go running in them all the time, and most importantly, when kids see my shoes, they think I am a super hero. This means they won't care if I try to sleep with their Mommy, and that's pretty badass.