Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Suits Power Rankings: Five Years Ago

She's not eligible for the rankings, but posting pictures of pretty ladies is always a good idea.

Franklin and Bash inexplicably took the week off, so I will only be focusing on Suits this week. It is a good week as Suits took a look at the past. There was virtually no lawyering during the past part of this episode, but that did give us plenty of time for lawyers to play by their own rules which is what these rankings are all about. For last week's rankings, click here. But enough about the past, it's time to look forward...to the past.

1. Harvey Specter - Jessica needs a favor from him, so he demands to be a partner for getting the damn thing done. I really need to start asking for ridiculous things when my manager asks me for something.

Manager: Could you pass me that pen?
Me: I could, but you're going to have to do something for me.
Manager: What is that?
Me: I want 5% ownership of the company.
Manager: I don't even have ownership of the company.
Me: (as I hand my manager the pen) Just make it happen.

Harvey, of course, finds out that it was Hardman who was stealing from the company. Then, he tries to shit on Jessica by calling her Scottie Pippen. Can we please stop using Scottie Pippen as a derogatory comment? Pippen was my favorite player growing up, and he was awesome in every way. Give the man some respect. As much as this angered me, he totally played by his own rules by threatening to tell Hardman's wife about his affair, which got Hardman to quit. His Dad was so proud he had a heart attack and died. Whoopsies.

2. Mike Ross - Not too much happened with him this week due to the fact that he was only a lawyer for part of the episode. He did contact Louis's old love interest, Monica, to try to sue Pearson Hardman. He can now lie to people like it ain't no thang, which is way baller. I wish I could have put in all of his non-lawyering exploits, because it was probably his strongest episode of the season. I certainly don't want to waste everyone's time talking about how he was a weed smoking bike messenger hanging out with his loser friend. I can't talk about how he picked up women by answering math questions and reciting lines from old books. I couldn't tell you about the time that a girl offered him $1000 to take the LSATs for her, but he talked her up to $5000. Nope, couldn't mention any of those awesome things. He might be number one if we could take all of those things into consideration, but he will have to settle for number two. Sorry, Mike.

3. Monica - Sleeping with the boss and accepting trips to Mexico, France, and Hong Kong. Ballin! Yes, she lost her job and fell on hard times, but once she was fired, I stopped considering her a lawyer, so none of that awful stuff about her living a sad and pathetic life matter to me.

4. Jessica Pearson - She found out that someone was stealing money from the company. Harvey told her it was Louis, but then she confronted Louis and found out that Harvey was wrong. Then she broke her foot off in his ass. She didn't want to believe that it was HARDMAN, because she totally liked him before all these shenanigans happened. Still, HARDMAN got taken out, and she took over, so that's pretty awesome on her end of things.

5. Daniel Hardman - No gray in his hair. He was stealing from the company for his sick wife, because running a high-powered law firm cannot pay medical bills. Where is Obamacare when you need it? He stole $500,000. That is chump change. Harvey represents Michael Jordan, and he is not making anywhere near as much as HARDMAN, yet this man stole $500,000. Dude, you run a law firm, you can afford to have a mistress on the side with your regular paycheck. HARDMAN was getting hard for Monica, know what I'm sayin? Still, he resigned so as to not kill his wife with grief, which is definitely playing by the rules, so that hurts him in these rankings.

6. Zoey - She helped Harvey break the rules, which is awesome. Then she told him that he lost his way, which just reminds me of when HBK lost his smile.

7. Louis Litt - He has braces, but he also loves bran bars as well as stealing Harvey's liquor. Stealing Harvey's liquor is a very strong move, but he was pretty weak in every other aspect of the past. His shining moment was in the present when he informed Hardman of Harvey's tricks, but that very well could have been part of Harvey's plan. Louis got played like a fiddle, but with braces, no one's gonna fiddle his diddle, which puts him at the end of these rankings.

And that's it for this week, as there were not a lot of lawyers lawyering on this episode. Suits only has two weeks left and FandB is done tonight. 

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