Why The Cubs Need To Call Up Kris Bryant This Season

I, like every other Cubs fan who has even a passing interest in the minor league system, is so incredibly excited about the potential of Kris Bryant. He put up video game numbers in Double-A this year and has not slowed down since being promoted to Triple-A. If he continues what he is doing, the Cubs need to call him up this season.

Now a lot of stat savvy people will argue the point that it makes little sense to call him up this season, as the Cubs are not a contender, and they would be wasting a cost-controlled season by calling him up in a year that is a lost cause. When looking at players as assets, this is a decision that makes complete sense. Although those cost-controlled years are assets, the players themselves are actually human beings, and that is why it is important to send a message throughout the organization by calling Bryant up this season.

Now Bryant is bound to cool off somewhat, but if he does anything close to this consistently at Triple-A, then it would be absolutely ridiculous to wait until next June to bring him up to the Majors. Yes, that does give the Cubs another year of his production at below market value, but it also sends a message to the entire organization that player performance will only take you so far, as the front office has already predetermined when the earliest a player's debut can happen.

If I was at a job where I was exceeding all of their wildest fantasies about my performance but was told that it was still going to take a year for me to get a promotion, because the billionaires that run my company can save some money that way, I wouldn't be too thrilled with that decision. I'm also guessing that the people around me who see me busting my ass wouldn't be too thrilled either, as if I can't get promoted, their chance of being promoted any time soon is pretty slim. That is a great way to kill morale and effort.

That is why it is so important to remember that players are people, not assets. The human element changes things. And if Cubs prospects see a guy crush the ball and get rewarded, it will likely have positive psychological benefits for the entire organization. Also, the Cubs are not in the same situation as the Rays or Pirates. They have a shit-ton of money, and they are about to have dump trucks full of cash backed up and deposited in their bank account when they negotiate a new TV deal. If Kris Bryant is as good as people think he is going to be, the Cubs are going to be signing him for a long time. After those arbitration years are over, and the Cubs have to sign him to an 8-year deal as a free agent, is anybody really concerned on whether that covers his age-36 season as opposed to his age-37 season? I kind of doubt it.

The future is bright for the Cubs, and there is no reason the future shouldn't start in 2014 with Kris Bryant being promoted to the big leagues.

Suits Power Rankings - Two in the Knees

This season of Suits is basically a Triple H WrestleMania match. You see each guy hitting his finisher over and over with tons of false finishes, and it is really exciting, but after you see it repeatedly, it can really lose its luster. That is what Harvey has been relying on throughout this show. He keeps saying that he has everything figured out, and it's over, but 1...2...and the shoulder pops up and something else happens. What Harvey needs to do is hit his finisher three consecutive times, because nobody gets up from that. He could even stand over Mike's Body with one foot much like Ultimate Warrior did to Macho Man at WrestleMania VII. Anyway, that's why I'm way more into the Malone/Pearson/Litt love triangle than the main plot from this season. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto this week's power rankings:

1. Jeff Malone - Jeff never misses a Knicks game, so he turns down the ballet, even though, let's face it, there are probably more skilled athletes in the ballet. He's running a triangle offense with Louis and Jessica, but this triangle may turn into a menage a trois. Jeff goes along with Louis thinking he's gay to get closer to Jessica, but his main goal is to get primo help on his case. That help pays off as Jessica finds the call that will clear their client's name. Unfortunately, that gets Jeff Malone all boned up, but he couldn't get the nookie. But this man doesn't stop, and I admire his sticktoitiveness. It will serve him well as he earns his money by crushing anything the SEC throws at him.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica tricked Jeff into becoming best friends with Louis, and she doesn't want to waste her time hanging with Jeff Malone. Still, they make a great team, but they have to keep it in their pants. Jeff Malone's a hunk, but her firm is making her a giant hunk of cash, and that is something she does not want to give up for a premium slampiece.

3. Harvey Specter - He has a restaurant for everything he does. First dates, before a Yankees game, after a round of golf with Jordan, and, oh yeah, when he threatens large banks so they will stop funding his opponents. Variety is the spice of life, man. He does tell Walter that Mike basically killed his son. It was basically the equivalent  of when Darryl Kile died in his hotel room with marijuana in his system, and Cubs fans equated it to Kile supporting terrorism. Also, I know that we are supposed to believe that Harvey's Father's tapes are some sort of jazz music, but I know 8 mm pornography film when I see it. Mike had no intention of keeping the tapes; he just wanted a romantic movie night with Rachel. Still, I could see why Harvey was so intent on wanting to remaster the action.

4. Rachel Zane - She is supposed to ask a favor from her boyfriend to save his future. Instead, she asks the favor from her ex-boyfriend, which I am sure her obsessive current boyfriend will be totally cool with. Also, she was totally in the right this week. She should not have to give Mike all the details of past relationships. What kind of creep even wants to know that type of stuff? Plus, she was super tired and just wanted to get some sleep; I totally understand that feeling. More than true love, she needs to find her true sleep number.

5. Logan Sanders - He wants to fight dirty, which means a private investigator looking into Mike Ross, but his old flame asks him to back off, so he does, because he still plans on winning her heart and panties back. His best work was in his past when he reasoned with his wife that he wasn't sleeping by Rachel by noting that she was just a paralegal. "Honey, why would I be interested in that incredibly hot chick? She doesn't even have a law degree. Hashtag, too stupid to fuck." Logan Sanders was way ahead of his time on using hashtags in everyday conversation.

6. Danyel H - Just crushing #SuitsLive. Last week, #1, this week, #3. As much as this person loves Suits, they love their cat even more. Good on you, Danyel H. Can't wait to see your score next week.

7. Donna Paulsen - She uses her wisdom to encourage Mike to be a good dude. She also spreads the gossip around to make sure that everyone stays happy. She was basically Tinkerbell in her way to sprinkle wisdom upon all that crossed her path.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis invites dudes to the ballet, but he also will go out of his way to help out his friends. Louis sees the homoeroticism in all sports. His sexuality is overcoming the entire office, so everyone is sexually turned on by him. He has to break Jeff's heart. Unfortunately, he then finds out that Jeff was lying, and it broke his heart. Louis needs to start looking for companions on Tinder.

9. Eric Woodall - Seven subpoenas starting tomorrow.

10. Mike's Assistant - I feel like we are supposed to know things about her, but she is basically a puzzle that is missing half of the pieces. I know she is sassy, that she will talk to her boss anyway she wants, and that she is a cute lady. However, I don't know her background, motivation, or even her name. You are a mystery, Mike's Assistant.

11. Vernon - He's just a banker dude who hates Brussels sprouts.

12. Walter Gillis - His son died because of drugs, so he hates drug dealers. He thought The Wire was overrated and couldn't even watch Weeds.

13. Mike Ross - Mike tries to take advantage of his tired girlfriend in the worst way possible, by finding out about her ex-boyfriend. I could come up with about 7,000 ways I would rather take advantage of Rachel, and that's without including anything sexual (I have lots of law questions that I cannot afford to ask). Mike is basically a psychotic boyfriend in that he researches his girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends, and then gets mad at her for not telling him everything about her past relationship. Not a good look for you, Mikey.

Suits Power Rankings - Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

I don't like to be negative, but last week's performances were pretty weak. I was afraid that these New York Hot Shots had turned into a bunch of Podunk Skunks. But this week quelled my concerns as they were going back and forth like Ali and Frazier. You can check out last week's rankings here, and here are this week's rankings:

1. Logan Sanders - Back in the day, he didn't treat his wife or his mistress very well, but he's learned from his mistakes. He now respects women. Logan Sanders respects women so hard. He respects the shit out of women. He respects women so much that he tells the boyfriends of his former lovers how he used to turn their old lady over and thrust her until completion. Sometimes, he just can't help it, and he explodes with respect all over women's faces. What a great guy.

2. Harvey Specter - Gets owned by Mike and is scared of Jessica. Things were looking pretty bleak for Harvey for a second straight week, but he came back, and he came back so strong. He blew off his lunch with Jeff Malone, and then got inside Mike's head, turned the head of the union, and made Mike look like a bitch. But his confidence got the best of him. Where he could have had this deal done for $20 million and a happy client, he now has to fight. Harvey could have closed this easily had he just gone above Mike's head to Sidwell and told him about the offer who would have accepted it without Mike even having a chance to convince him otherwise. You have to play to win, not play to win the right way.

3. Mike Ross - Subpoenas Harvey while he was eating a bagel like a bitch. Everybody knows hot dogs are for winners. Then he owns Harvey in front of the judge, which must have been super satisfying. But things got bad for him when he gave up what he wanted to do with the company. Still, he recovered, and even though he made Walter Gillis super sad that he won't be able to expand, he's back in the fight, and he will do anything to beat the man that penetrated his girlfriend years ago.

4. Jessica Pearson - She actually scared Harvey, so impressive work there, but Harvey still didn't do what she wanted him to, so she definitely loses some points there. She has refrained from banging one of the partners in the law firm, so congratulations on three days of not putting your company in Jeopardy, Jessica. Still, I can't punish her for future sins, and who could blame her? Jeff Malone is a hunk.

5. Jeff Malone - Got himself a fancy new job at Pearson Specter and managed to work with Louis instead of fighting with him. He did lose his corner office, but he got an office next to his bangpiece, and this is a man who values convenience over prestige. Gotta respect that.

6. Donna Paulsen - Calls out Harvey for being a ball-less coward, so that was some much needed sass from her. Unfortunately, Donna searches the trash to find out gossip around the office, which she considers her edge. Still she needs something to fill the pages of her diary, and the romance between Jessica and Jeff should take up a few chapters.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis worked really hard on his presentation, but it was too late. Jeff Malone is a partner and he's already taking some of Louis's cases. Sometimes the only one he can trust is his pussy diary, which is very different than my own personal pussy journal (which is mostly filled with hypotheticals and blank pages). Louis has interesting culinary tastes for his meals, as he says he eats cock for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The most important part of that is that he has the same thing three times a day. Variety is the spice of life, Litt. Louis finally does get that variety when he gets a corner office, and the best news is he doesn't need his diary, for this triumph belongs in his Dictaphone for permanent inspiration.

8. Pete - He's the head of the union, so he's got to protect his people. He doesn't care who gives him half a billion dollars, as long as he gets that money. He's a lot like me in that way.

9. Katrina Bennett - She is the number one cheerleader. She also does a nice job of moving furniture.

10. Walter Gillis - He threw a tantrum about having to spend an extra $500 million. That actually seems pretty reasonable to me.

11. Todd - Got tricked into thinking he had a heart attack. Also, he has never been helped off the ground, as anyone who has tried has just slipped off due to his excessive hand lotion.

12. Rachel Zane - Always comes in late for work. Rachel gets mad at Mike for not taking the deal, because now this battle is going to continue. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if she hadn't said this after this has been going on for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Rachel really hasn't done anything as Harvey's associate, and if she doesn't step it up soon to help him destroy Mike, she needs to be replaced. I'm not sure if any of you were paying attention, but there was a paper peaking out on Harvey's desk, and it was two resumes for a new associate. Those prospects' names? Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. Also, this is their entire resume:

7 Guys I Love In The 2014 NBA Draft

So I am not going to go nearly as in-depth as I did with my NFL Draft coverage, and I will freely admit that my ability to scout basketball pales in comparison to my football analysis. Still, I watch enough college basketball to find guys that I really like. I will admit that my list skews horribly towards the Big Ten, but that's who I watch the most, so I have the most confidence in what I have seen from those players. Still, there are a couple guys outside the B1G as well as an international prospect, because I've got to represent for Hrvatska.

Zach LaVine - If there is a star to have after the first ten picks, this is the guy (although he is right on the border of being in the first 10 picks). Ridiculous athleticism and range for days. He's raw, and with that comes inconsistency, but the tools are there for him to be great. The chances he reaches his full potential may not be great, but they're not bad either. The only reason he isn't guaranteed to go in the Top-8 is that he was underutilized and misused at times at UCLA (their coach has a history of doing things like that, and I'm one of his defenders). Because of that, there is uncertainty with his game, but even if he is a terrible NBA player, he'll still be super fun to watch, and isn't that what's most important?

Roy Devyn Marble - Homer pick? Maybe, but I don't see how he can't be better than Tony Snell. He has range, he can handle the ball fairly well, and he was the only guy on the Hawkeyes who could create his own shot. He's a guy who you can probably get away with at three different positions who will keep you in things for 20 minutes a game. Considering I have only seen him projected at the middle to end of the second round, that is really good value.

Mitch McGary - He's an athletic guy with size. He has back problems, which is terrifying, but I'd take a chance on him. I don't think he's an All-Star, but I do think he could be a competent starting center who can run the floor which is something just about any team could use.

Adreian Payne - Payne is a guy who is going to get downgraded, because he is a senior, but once you get outside the first five picks, upside starts meaning a whole lot less. Payne will never be an All-Star, but getting big man who can play defense and shoot well from the outside is an incredibly valuable piece to have. And here's the best part: He already is that player. Sure, consistency is an issue for any rookie, but he is going to flash that immediately and just get more and more consistent with it as time goes on. I have a hard time seeing a team not being happy with Payne.

Dario Saric - I have never seen him play, but he is from Croatia. Since my surname comes from the same land, I cheer for all Croats with all my heart. If he falls to the Bulls, he could become the new Toni Kukoc and set the world on fire. It will be totally awesome.

Nik Stauskas - I understand that Stauskas is pretty awful on defense, but he's pretty ridiculous on offense. He can do damage on or off the ball which means he can fit in anywhere. He's got decent enough handles and knows how to set up teammates, but the shooting is where he is going to make his money. I understand his defense is bad, but he's so much better on offense that I do not see how people could value Gary Harris over him. On top of all of that, Stauskas went from an awful body to a bad body in one year, so he might still get in better shape and improve his quickness.

TJ Warren - His game is ugly, but it works. There is a lot of herky jerky motion, but he uses it to keep defenders off balance and he seems to always make it to where he wants on the floor. It's partially because he is comfortable in awkward spots, but the guy scores. It may not be pretty, but if you can score, they can find a spot for you in the league. 

Wrestling Is My Soccer

The World Cup is alive and kicking (see what I did there?). Everybody is excited, and as a non-soccer fan, it gets kind of annoying. I have nothing against soccer; it is simply a sport that doesn't capture my attention. But I did have to do some self-searching and find out why I was so annoyed by the World Cup. Honestly, it's jealousy. Nearly everyone is talking about soccer, and I wish it were the same way for wrestling. When a big wrestling event happens, it's rarely on live television, and even on those occasions, very few people are talking about it. I'm jealous of soccer's success, because wrestling is my soccer, and it has yet to make those steps towards mainstream popularity.

We're outcasts, as neither sport is one of the big three sports. None of my good friends care about wrestling, so when I find someone who does, I instantly have the highest opinion of that person. At that point, you could tell me anything about that person, and I can justify it. "Oh, he eats the souls of children? Well, those kids were just going to turn into bastard teenagers anyway. Besides, he made a really good point about what Metcalf is going to have to do to get past the guy from Azerbaijan (I actually don't know if Azerbaijan is strong at this weight; I just wanted to show off that I can spell Azerbaijan)."

Most importantly, soccer fans and wrestling fans are amazed when people don't get excited about the sport. It's so incredibly exciting to us that it is hard for us to listen to people who cannot appreciate what they are watching. Anybody can get excited as they watch Messi control a soccer ball with his foot as well as Peyton Manning controls a football with an arm, or seeing Jordan Burroughs take a shot and then reshoot with his double leg in the blink of an eye. But for fans of the sport, it's that average play in soccer that amazes them like a normal clinch is one of the most fascinating things to watch in wrestling as there are so many subtleties from two guys working hard as they jockey for position.

I hope that wrestling will one day have what soccer has. I doubt it is going to happen, but I would have said the same thing about soccer 20 years ago. The key is going to be a television deal. Fox Sports makes so much sense that it's ridiculous. Every great wrestler is asked about whether they will try to make it in the UFC, so the tie-in is already there, and if they can steal the NCAA Championships, put on a premium duel each week, along with major events like The Southern Scuffle and National Duels to build up the audience. With that, add the big freestyle events, like the team trials and world championships. But that's big picture. On a smaller scale, go to FloWrestling, watch the freestyle matches from the World Team Trials; they're all pretty incredible. And you may find that you still don't like wrestling, which is totally fine, as I still don't care about soccer, but getting exposed to something new and awesome is one of the best things we can do with our time, so all I'm asking is give wrestling a chance.

I want what soccer has. I'm totally jealous (and slightly bitter) that wrestling is not nearly as popular. I want what you have, so all I can really say is, enjoy it soccer fans. And prepare to be annoyed when I tweet the shit out of the world championships in September.

If WWE Superstars Were Game of Thrones Characters

Two things that I thoroughly enjoy are the fictional worlds of the WWE and Game of Thrones. Now, I have limited GoT cred, as I only watch the TV show and have not read the books (so if you're not through Season 4, you may want to wait on this, as there are some spoilers). Still, I felt that there were a lot of similarities in this world, so I tried to find the doppelganger for some of the most famous characters from each world. I tried my best to stick with current WWE talent, but there are a few examples of Attitude Era stars that seemed to fit way better than any active wrestlers would have in the GoT world. I tried to split the characters up into their families/most important storyline to help with clarity. Without further adieu, here is where WWE Superstars would fit in within the Game of Thrones.

Stephanie McMahon - Daenerys Targaryen
Stephanie fits in as the Khaleesi, because she could become the ruler of the WWE. And there aren't a lot of examples of women being strong and confident without immediately failing in spectacular fashion. Also if she is in that role, it would mean that Vince was the Mad King, and Shane was Viserys Targaryen who thought he was destined to take over, but now has no chance. Shane at least chose to leave where Viserys was killed by having liquid gold poured over his head.

Brock Lesnar - Khol Drogo
Both are giant men that crush everything in their path. They laugh at obstacles, as there is nothing in the world that can stop them except for themselves. Khol Drogo decided to cut himself with a sickle, while Brock Lesnar willingly tattooed a sword on his. Both married blonde divas and lived on all-meat diets. With that being said, it does seem likely that Drogo died from diverticulitis.

The Rock - Daario Naharis
Daario only does two things, but he does them better than anyone else. Fighting and fucking. The Rock can take years off from wrestling and beat anyone, and every one of his interviews will talk about a woman's vagina in some demeaning fashion.

Goldust - Barristan Selmy
Barristan was seen as obsolete by the kingdom, and looking at his age, that would appear to be true. But there was still some gas left in his tank, and he might be doing some of his best work at an advanced age after his supposed prime in the King's Guard. That is basically the same story as Goldust who did some good things in his prime but may be doing his best wrestling in his most recent comeback.

Rusev - Grey Worm
They are both killing machines who are commanded by women.

The Shield - The Three Dragons
Yes, this is slightly outdated with Seth Rollins leaving The Shield, but those three guys are totally the dragons of the WWE. They come in, fuck shit up, leave and think nothing of it. Daenerys thinks that she controls them, much like Triple H thought he controlled The Shield. In reality, they do whatever they want, whenever they want, because they can.

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The Miz - Joffrey Baratheon
The two most punchable faces in the world. There really is nobody that could be more hated than these two. Also, I always thought Miz kind of looked like a serial killer, but he might just secretly beat hookers with medieval weaponry.

Randy Orton - Cersei Lannister
My only intergender comparison. Cersei is the golden child who feels entitled to certain things, because she has always gotten certain things. She's an attractive lady, but she can also be absolutely brutal to people. That sounds a whole lot like the Legend Killer to me.

Triple H - Jaime Lannister
Has all the tools to be great on paper, but will never reach the top of the mountain. Charismatic with a touch of crudeness, each guy seems like they would be likely to be the best, but neither man is. At best, Jamie is the second or third most important member of his family, and Triple H was always only the second or third most important person in WWE. They both have weak body parts, as Jamie lost his hand, and Triple H tears his quad like it's a piece of paper. Also, each is a guy that you want to root against, although at this point, you sometimes wonder what made you hate them so much in the first place. Oh, and while we're talking about H and Jamie...

Chyna - Brienne of Tarth
Yep. This one fits in real nice. Both compete with the men because they would outclass any woman. Fell in love with a blonde, although Jamie Lannister is much more traditionally attractive than HHH. After the romance, they both got stuck with puds, or Pods, to be more accurate...

X-Pac - Podrick Payne
Podrick had a great deal going with Tyrion, but now he is with Brienne where he is not appreciated. It seems very similar to X-Pac being in the nWo, but then having a relationship with Chyna where he got physically assaulted. Also, Podrick is known for his prowess with the ladies, and X-Pac made a sex tape. They're not exactly equal, but they're not unequal either.

William Regal - Tyrion Lannister
Don't get caught up in the size. Instead, Regal is a match with Tyrion because he no longer has the physical gifts, but he has a sharp tongue and can captivate an audience with it. Also, he doesn't dislike bad guys, as he sees talent for what it is. Tyrion Lannister would definitely be a fan of Aiden English.

The Acolyte Protection Agency - Bronn
Bronn is the hired gun for Tyrion, and he saves his life once for money. When it comes to the second time, he already has money and women, so he doesn't save his life. He's a simple man, but you gotta respect that. The APA were simple guys as well, as they would beat up people for money, and if you couldn't offer them anything, they weren't willing to get their hands dirty. It's a simple and effective way of living.

AJ Lee - Shae
So I really hated comparing a diva to a whore, but let's face it, WWE only has three characteristics for women, whore, crazy, and boring, so there were actually a lot of women that could have been put in this spot. I chose AJ as she has a history of being jealous and of getting revenge on the men who have done her wrong. That sounds a lot like Shae, as she harshly turned on poor Tyrion.

Vince McMahon - Tywin Lannister
I know I mentioned him as the Mad King, but that was more in relation to Stephanie, as this is the spot where Vince fits best. He is the man with the money, so he pulls the strings behind the scenes while all gratitude and animosity is delivered to the people that he controls. The stockholders are the iron bank as they are the only ones who can get mad at Vince/Tywin if they aren't getting their money.

Paul Heyman - Varys
Could there be a less sexual person than Paul Heyman? Everything Varys has said could have just as easily been said by Paul Heyman. He tries to creep in the background and work his way up the ladder by attaching to those who he sees being in power. Tywin Lannister is definitely a Paul Heyman guy.

Cesaro - Tommen Baratheon
We really know nothing about the new king except that he wants to be a good king. And if you only watch the main WWE shows, you really have no idea about a personality for Cesaro. Cesaro is the newest King in WWE as he is the King of Swing, and I really felt like I needed to include my favorite wrestler in this post somewhere and couldn't find a great fit.

Summer Rae - Margaery Tyrell
Margarey will do anything to be queen, and Summer just wants to be liked so bad. Either will maneuver behind people's backs to get what they want, but in the end, neither person actually does anything all that awful. They both almost got stuck with bad guys, but now they can both find something better for themselves.

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John Cena - Eddard Stark
There is one big problem with this comparison, and that is John Cena always wins, and Eddard Stark obviously did not fall under that umbrella. Still, they are the virtuous ones who are always doing what is right and fighting for good. Eddard was the King of the North, and John Cena is often World Champ, but each guy can go away from their title and still be the most compelling person in the room. But with Eddard Stark dying early on, isn't that a valuable lesson? John Cena would not survive in the Game of Thrones.

Daniel Bryan - Robb Stark
Everyone questioned his potential to lead an Army. He didn't always make the right decisions, but he worked hard and slowly gained the respect of his people. Finally, when it looked like everything was going in his favor, he and his army were brutally murdered at a wedding. Daniel Bryan worked his way up, finally won the title, got married and shortly thereafter got a neck injury and lost his title.

Renee Young - Arya Stark
Everybody likes Arya as she is a quick witted little scamp. Renee Young is basically the adult version of that.

The Big Show - Sandor Clegane 
The Hound is a large man who has done some bad things in his past, but he was just doing his job. Deep down, he has shown that he actually isn't that bad of a guy. This is similar to The Big Show who occasionally has done some bad things, but he always shows his nice guy side in the end and both have proven to be more gentle giants than giant jerks.

Natalya - Sansa Stark
Both have a "woe is me" attitude, and although they really have not done anything wrong, they are both easy to dislike without any concrete behavioral flaws.

Jerry Lawler - Petyr Baelish
If there was anyone in the WWE who would run a whorehouse, it would definitely be Jerry Lawler. Also, old school Jerry Lawler had the bad guy tendencies that matched Baelish's personality. Also, they both love women who are too pretty for them.

Bo Dallas - Robin Arryn
Both are shocked when anyone doesn't like them. They both have incredible confidence despite not doing much to earn said confidence. Robin got built up by his mother, and Bo Dallas just BO-lieves in himself.

The Great Khali - Hodor
Both huge humans, which would make you think that they could crush the world. When in reality, they are immobile, and nobody can understand what they are trying to say. Hodor gets the slight edge on value since he carries things a lot of the time where a lot of Khali's value is from his singing and dancing.

Dolph Ziggler - Jon Snow
He's one of those guys that everybody seems to root for. They are not impressive physical specimens and were put in terrible situations for no reason. It seems like punishment, but all they do is work their butts off every chance they get. Each one makes everyone around him better, but it will take extraordinary circumstances for either of them to reach true greatness in the general public's eye.

Emma - Ygritte
Ygritte was a wildling lady who could have killed Jon Snow multiple times but froze up and was distracted long enough for it to lead to her downfall. Emma is a very talented wrestler but often gets distracted by her own dance moves and loses because of it.

Sheamus - Tormund Giantsbane
Is this partially because of the red hair? Yeah, definitely, but they are both giants who think they can take on anything. All Tormund needed to do was end his sentences with "fella" and they basically become the exact same person.

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Ric Flair - Robert Baratheon
Robert gained power by being incredible in the battlefield and he rose to being the undisputed top dog in the world. Flair gained power by being the best wrestler in the world. Once they got their power, they enjoyed the finer things in life as they partied hard and drank and fucked everything they could get their hands on. God bless them both.

Bray Wyatt - Stannis Baratheon
Believes he is the rightful king. Does shady things that make him untrustworthy. Battles forces and seems super powerful, but always loses, and then he just tries again with the same plan. Stannis's one great move involved a demon baby, Bray's involved a child with a voice modulator, so the similarities can be quite shocking.

Luke Harper - Davos Seaworth
He is dedicated to Bray Wyatt. Seems like a nice guy. Could use a fresh change of clothes and both are just learning to read.

Eva Marie - Melisandre
Evil redhead lady who has way more power than she deserves. Seems useless from an outsider's perspective, but has shown some savvy in staying relevant so far. Also, Eva Marie had a uterus problem, and Melisandre produced a smoke demon from hers. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

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Kane - Ramsay Bolton
Both are sadistic monsters that have no sympathy for anything or anyone. They are driven by destruction, but deep down both of them have a longing to be loved and accepted for who they are.

Damien Sandow - Theon Greyjoy (Reek)
Theon used to have charisma and confidence, but then he reached for the stars and failed. After that, things spiraled downwards for him, as he has had his junk removed and has been broken mentally. Damien Sandow had charisma and confidence, won Money in the Bank, challenged Cena and lost, and he is now wearing a tan jumpsuit that made him resemble a eunuch.

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Mark Henry - Gregor Clegane
Everybody thought The Mountain was unbeatable, and he was also kind of ruthless as he burned his brother's face when they were children. That sounds a whole lot like Dog got inducted into the Hall of Pain. Also, Mark Henry is the World's Strongest Man which seems like a title that Gregor probably could have had if he wanted to prove it. In the end, these people are both undone by guys who are quicker than them. Also, just as you should not waste time trying to get The Mountain to confess something, you should probably steer clear when Mark Henry says he is retiring, as they both seem to gain super strength in those situations.

CM Punk - Oberyn Martell
Oberyn is somebody who is only happy when he is doing what he wants. He didn't have to get involved with Tyrion, but he wanted revenge on the Lannisters. He could have killed The Mountain but killing wasn't good enough; he had to get that confession first, and that is why his head exploded. Although CM Punk didn't meet quite as grisly of a fate, all of these same things could be said about him. He wanted to do what he wanted to do, and when he didn't get exactly what he wanted, he proved to be the cause of his own undoing.

I know that doesn't cover everyone, as there were people from GoT and WWE that I wished I could have worked in. Still, it gives a good starting point, and it has the potential to inspire a ton of great fan fiction which is what the internet is all about.

Suits Power Rankings - One-Two-Three Go...

It's been a long time. Two whole months since the last season of Suits ended. Are they slowly getting us ready for this to be a year-round show? Oh God, I hope so. They could definitely fit in some Harold-based episodes if that was the case. We could see how Scotty's doing at her new firm. Life would be pretty grand. But anyway, Suits is back. Important things to remember: Harvey dumped Scotty, Mike dumped Harvey, Louis dumped Sheila, and Harold took a dump on the government investigators. So yeah, this show's the shit. Before we get started with the power rankings, I'd just like to point out that this season opened with everyone banging. Just going from scene to scene with different people getting their freak on. It was amazing. Now, onto the sexually charged rankings.

1. Mike Ross - Mike really struggled lately in these rankings. He just didn't have what it takes to be a consistent top performer, but that all changed with his new job. He started off slow when he thought he had a good deal, because it was going to make 30% profit? Ha, what a loser. That might be good in any business that has ever existed, but this is hedge funds, and that's only considered a single in this biz. Still, he had swagger. Even with those singles, he was willing to talk trash to both Harvey and Donna, because nobody makes fun of his vests without paying the consequences. Mike was hoping that Harvey would put Rachel hard to work on his proposal so he didn't have to go to the Daft Punk concert, but Harvey stayed one step ahead and gave her the afternoon off to give them enough time for dinner and a crappy concert. Old Mike would have took that, but new Mike is having none of it as he starts looking for new lawyers who are willing to go along with his big plan. Then Mike uses his heart of gold to convince Gillis that he is the man who should buy out his company. Mike crushed things this week. The only real issue was that Harvey is still coming, along with Logan Sanders's money and his golden dong (we'll get to that later).

2. Jessica Pearson - I thought Jessica didn't want to hire Jeff Malone, because Jeff was only her fourth favorite Malone athlete behind Moses, Karl, and obviously first place goes to Sam Malone. But it turns out that Jeff Malone has been giving her the business well before he wanted to join her business. She ends up hiring him and banging him, although the order gets a little blurry their towards the end. Still, good on her for getting some and finally making a diversity hire, so now somebody else can use her blacks-only bathroom.

3. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't give a shit about people's jobs. He cares about money. This is a hedge fund, not some bitch-ass law firm. But he also doesn't want to spend money to make money. He just wants the money to appear magically. It's a brilliant business plan if it works, and I might just implement it myself. Finally, he decides to give up a little money, but if he doesn't make a 6,000,000,000% profit, he'll be a little bummed out.

4. Logan Sanders - He wants to purchase Gillis Industries, just like Mike. He already rented something that Mike is currently trying to own when Logan banged Rachel while he was married, and he managed to do that before he got his shit together. I know that may make him seem like a bad dude, but what if Rachel was one of the five girls on his list that he was allowed to bang? Then he is just a guy playing within the rules. He also says a lot of cliches, and Harvey loves cliches.

5. Jeff Malone - He is a beast, a real hotshot at the SEC. He is using that to get a job at Pearson-Specter. Unfortunately, Harvey didn't vet him, because apparently it's some SEC that is based in New York, and not the South Eastern Conference. Jeff may be impressive, but he doesn't have that SEC speed, and even though he knows about offense, he needs to beef up his defense if he wants to compete against the Alabamas of the world. But he has an ace in the hole in that he's throwing it deep in Jessica, which is the best way to get a good opportunity in this job market.

6. Dana Scott - She's at her new job, likely trying to help her client who is trying to leverage their 4.9% share of Gillis Industries into buying the whole thing.

7. Donna Paulsen - She tried to convince Harvey to be nice to Mike, but she failed at that mission. She was right in the end, and Harvey even admitted it. That makes this the most exciting week in Donna's diary since she was sleeping with a war criminal.

8. Harvey Specter - He had a morning meeting, aka a bang session. Luckily he wasn't too tired to purposely ignore Mike's first big idea from his new job. Unofrtunately, things went downhill fast from there. Since he ignored that offer, it meant that Mike had to look for other lawyers, which led to Mike not taking priority when another client came in with the same idea. So now Mike is no longer his client, and he had to tell two women that they were right. It was a rough week for Harvey. At least he never called the girl before the girl called him.

9. Katrina Bennett - She finds out the same information as Louis. She also uses photoshop to make business cards for him. She does have a boyfriend, which leads me to...

10. Harold Gunderson - He is clearly Katrina's boyfriend. I can't believe they weren't a part of the bang montage at the beginning of the episode, but Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. Oh, and I'm going to guess that he's also trying to help his client buy Gillis Industries.

11. Rachel Zane - She is Harvey's new associate, and she has yet to figure out how to be clever around him. She got to go see Daft Punk, but Mike had a bad attitude, so she did not "Get Lucky." The good news is that she did bang a married guy, but sadly, she did it before he got his head on straight, so she banged him while he was still a loser instead of the CEO to a billion dollar corporation. That's not a good look on you, Rachel. Not a good look at all.

12. Louis Marlo Litt - Drinking prune smoothies (Prunies) to keep up that geriatric energy. He decided to wait for the pretty girl (Harvey and Jessica) to call him for the first time in his life, and that girl ended up taking someone else to Prom (Handle the case that is being built by the SEC). His dreams of becoming a name partner appear to be getting a busy signal.

13. Walter Gillis - Walter is the most easily convinced human being on the planet. He doesn't want to sell his distribution plants until Mike offers him something larger than what he expected. 30 seconds later, they're sold. He doesn't want to sell the whole thing, until 90 seconds later, and now he's game to give it up, because Mike brought up a bunch of dead people. I wish Walter was real. I'd just start naming dead presidents and could probably walk out with a million dollars. 

What Should The Bulls Do This Offseason?

The Bulls are one of the most fascinating teams going into this offseason. Derrick Rose's health is the biggest question, but all Bulls fans can do about that is hope, pray, and wait to see what happens. Almost as big of a story is whether the Bulls will make a big move to bolster their lineup. There are a lot of options out there, but what is the best option? Let's look at some likely scenarios.

1. Do Nothing

This is the one that scares Bulls fans, and although I don't love it, I'm also not totally against it. Everyone assumes that the Bulls will amnesty Boozer, but the Bulls are notoriously cheap, so throwing away $15 million doesn't seem like it would be at the top of their list of things to do. Still, if Nikola Mirotic finally comes over from Spain, there really isn't a place for the Bulls to play Boozer, as Gibson can play the traditional 4 and Mirotic can be used as a stretch 4. That would mean they have no money, but considering they have two first round picks, they could hopefully find a solid wing and a backup center. That's a team that will probably need some luck, but LeBron's supporting cast is getting older, so are the Spurs, and OKC has Scott Brooks, whose skill with Xs and Os starts and ends with Tic-tac-toe. Still, this plan would drive Bulls fans crazy, and yet wouldn't totally surprise me.

2. Trade for Kevin Love

This seems to be the option that gives Bulls fans wet dreams. Love is definitely the best player that the Bulls could add, but that's pretty easy to say since he is one of the 10 best players in the league. Obviously, he would be a great addition, but I'll admit that it would still be bittersweet. I, like many Bulls fans, love Taj Gibson more and more every year. The reason he is so valuable is that when other teams go small, they can keep Taj at the four, dominate the boards, and still have him hang with a wing on defense. That is a really valuable commodity. Also, I have been dreaming of Mirotic for years, and have already decided that he is a poor man's Dirk, which gives the Bulls all kinds of fun options. But it's still Kevin Love, so even if they traded Gibson, Mirotic, and two first round picks, they would still be putting themselves in a better position to win a championship in the next few years. Also, it would ensure that Boozer would be gone, which Bulls fans seem to need at this point.

3. Get Melo

After thinking about it, I have joined Joakim Noah as saying this is the move I want the most. Carmelo is not perfect, but he is very much needed for the Bulls and fills their biggest need. He can score from the wing, and that is what the Bulls need. He is a force with the ball in his hands, so not all the offense would have to fall on Derrick Rose in crunch time. They'd have to amnesty Boozer and probably get rid of Dunleavy to have enough money to bring over Mirotic, but these are all realistic possibilities. Also, I would expect Carmelo's defense to improve since he will finally be playing for a coach that cares about that side of the ball (I admit this is slightly unfair to Mike Woodson, but he's not on the level of Thibs). In the draft, the Bulls can add depth and be ready to bring the championship back to Chicago.

I am way too optimistic about the Bulls. Even in the first scenario, I could see them competing for a championship. With Love, their odds increase, but I still like Carmelo Anthony the most. A lineup of Noah-Gibson-Melo-Butler-Rose is probably the best starting five in the league. Thibodeau has shown he can turn just about any bench players into solid contributors, so I really don't see how the Bulls would not be the favorite for the title if they can stay healthy. My childhood was filled with six championships, so I will never be too mad at the Bulls. But as a Cubs, Bears, and Bulls fan, it has been 16 years without a professional title (really wish I liked hockey), so I feel like I am due, and the Bulls are my best shot at that. Bring on Melo, and me and Lala can make jokes about Carson Daly. Everybody wins, especially the city of Chicago.

The One Time I Held A Gun

I am not a violent person. I'm basically a giant pussy when it comes down to it. I've never been in a fight, and outside of one time, I have never had my hands on a gun, outside of the two I'm carrying around at all times (flexes, audience holds back laughter [imaginary audience, because nobody actually watches me blog]). But there was that one time that I was given a real gun and told to open fire. Here is my story.

So the beginning is going to make me sound way cooler than I actually was. I was friends with these twins in high school and their parents went out of town. If my memory serves correct, they threw a party the night before and ended up having a Culligan jug of coins stolen. So they were a little freaked out about that. They had some of their girl friends along with me and some of my buddies stay over at the house. Yeah, so girls wanted me to "stay over" at the house for "protection." Hot shit, right?

I took full advantage of the situation. While everyone hung out upstairs and socialized, I went down to the basement, turned on the Sega Genesis and played FIFA 94 for hours on end to play out a World Cup Tournament where I was at least one team in every game. So, like I said, the beginning of the story made me sound way cooler than I was.

It got to night time and a couple of the girls were hanging out in the room next to the video game room, so there was occasional conversation between us. They probably wanted me to do boy/girl stuff, but I wasn't falling for that. Besides, I was busy. I had played all day and finally gotten down to the championship between Argentina and Germany. Things were going pretty dang well.

All of a sudden, I heard a popping noise coming from upstairs. I wouldn't have thought anything of it had it not been followed by screaming by all the girls and then some yelling from my buddies. Ugh, I just started the World Cup Final, and now I have to put it on pause. The two girls in the room next to me are screaming for me to do something since they think it might be somebody shooting at the house. So I make my way upstairs to get this figured out so I can get back to important business.

The girls upstairs are frantic, and my buddies took fireplace pokers and went after the people who were outside the house. Then, one of the twins runs down with .44 Magnum (not sure if this was the actual gun, but from a quick Google search, it was something similar. Call me Mr. Gun Nut) and hands it to me to go out there and protect the house by summoning my inner Bronson and blasting everyone in sight. She hands me the gun, and I instinctively handle it like I'm getting a batch of cookies out of the oven. It takes about three seconds of holding it before I gently place it on a table, and tell her, "I don't think we're going to need to use deadly force."

By the time I got outside to...help? I guess. My friends were already heading back as they found out it was just some other guys we went to high school with who set off firecrackers by the front door. Everybody was okay.

This would seem to be a happy ending, right? You couldn't be more wrong. The girls down in the basement jumped into the video game room for safety, kicked the Genesis and froze the game. Everything that I had worked so hard for had been taken away from me. This would have been the perfect opportunity for me to turn my attention to the ladies as they were no doubt turned on by the fact that my friends jumped into danger, and I kept my calm instead of murdering innocent people. Did I take advantage? No, I pouted, because the idiots couldn't successfully jump behind a bed without throwing their foot out like a goddamned rag doll.

This may surprise you, but I didn't do real well with the ladies early on in life.

And that's the story of the one time I held a gun.

Buying A Car Sucks

So I purchased a car a few days ago. This made me very happy as buying a car sucks. I should probably clarify that I bought a used car, because buying a new car is simple. Do your research, find the car, get it within your budget. Buying a used car is a very annoying process, and there is no way to avoid frustration. It also does not help that I know very little about cars. My past two cars have been a 93 Mercury Tracer (Which I lovingly referred to as the T-Racer to make it seem more badass) and a 1998 Ford Escort, so I'll never be accused of being a gear head. My only goals were to get a reliable vehicle for a good price. This proved to be much more difficult than I expected. Here is my journey.

Honda Civic - I found a Civic online for a good price at a local dealership, so I set up an appointment to check out the vehicle. I got there, and the car was getting detailed, so it was unable to be driven for another hour. Still, it did drive well, so I wanted to look into pricing. After we agreed on a price, they managed to add an extra $800 for dealership handling fees. They hadn't had enough time to even put the car out on the lot yet, but they had apparently put a lot of money into it. I was also immediately told that the price of those fees were not negotiable. If there is one thing I hate, it's hidden fees. Also, the aggressive sales techniques turn me off, so a used car lot is not a welcoming place for someone like me.

Ford Focus - This was my first Craigslist adventure. It was a 2007 Focus with very low miles, and priced well below the KBB value. I was pumped enough to drive an hour away to check out the vehicle. He had me drive to a church parking lot, and then informed me to follow him instead of just bringing the car to the church. This seemed odd, but I followed, and luckily, this was not a setup to ambush me. Still, the guy selling the car was Ukrainian, and his English left a little to be desired. Still, his English was much better than my Ukrainian. The car actually drove well, and I even got a few hundred dollars off the cost. I agreed to buy the vehicle as long as everything checked out. He tried to get me to put down a $200 deposit, but I politely told him that I was not going to give him cash for the fun of it. When I got home, I ran the CarFax, and found out that it used to be a rental car. Then it was deemed undriveable. And his story about having it for three years was inaccurate as he had barely had it three months. I called him and told him that things were not going to work out, and my search on Craigslist continued.

Ford Focus - After that, I checked out yet another Ford Focus, although this one was much closer and a year newer. The people seemed nice, so I took the car for a test drive, and it sounded like a lawnmower, and shook like a jackhammer. My test rive lasted about a minute, and 30 of those seconds were wasted on finding a place to turn around. When I told them about the problems, he told me that it was just how a 4-cylinder engine runs. As an avid driver, I assured him that it was not how a 4-cylinder engine is supposed to run.

Hyundai Sonata - I found a Sonata that only had 90,000 miles on it, and I was very interested in buying it. Unfortunately, after running a CarFax, I found out the odomoter had been altered and there was no way to know how many miles were actually on the vehicle. I decided to pass.

Ford Taurus - At this point, I was two weeks into my search and getting desperate. The Taurus was about and hour away, but it was for a good price, so I decided to make the trip. About five minutes before arriving, I checked my email at a stoplight and found out it was sold already. He decided to email me instead of calling, so I didn't actually see it until right before my arrival. At least I got a chance to pointlessly drive to Venice, so I can check that off the old bucket list.

Toyota Corolla - I found this one on Craigslist, and it was 90 minutes away, but I was now in extreme desperation mode. I just wanted to get this shit figured out. I drive all the way down there to find out it was a dealership posing as a private owner. I knew I wouldn't be purchasing the car at that moment, but I still took it through what would have been a rough and angry test drive, but the transmission was already rough when shifting gears, so I figured the damage had already been done to that car. I solemnly made the drive back home.

Volvo S60 - I found this on Craigslist with a price that was slightly below the Blue Book value. Before taking a test drive, I was able to talk him down $500 more dollars. I took it for a test drive, and hoo boy, that car can move. I know it's not polite to talk about the dead, but this car could have probably beaten the T-Racer in its prime. But I did my research and found out that at the mileage it was at, it was going to need the timing belt replaced very soon. That was going to be a 700-900 expense. I really liked the car, but with that big expense looming, I low balled the shit out of him. He thanked me for my time and said he would get back to me if he could not find another buyer. I didn't like driving away from the car, but since I didn't give a shit about a car that was fun to drive originally, I kept my calm and figured I would let things fall where they may.

But I still really wanted to get this shit over with. I waited until the next night and followed up with him and said I could go up a few hundred from where I was at. I was willing to go $400 over what I had offered, but I certainly wasn't going to tell him that. He said he would do it for $300 over my original price, and even though I probably could have kept negotiating and maybe paid $100 less, the last three weeks had exhausted me, so I took the deal.

I ended up getting the car for about 1800 under KBB value, but in a few months, I am going to be putting in $800-1000, so that takes away a little bit from that great deal, but it was still a really good price, and the relief of finally having it be done was fantastic. I am now the proud owner of a 2007 Volvo S60. Although I really like the power of the car, my favorite feature is that there is a button that drops the back headrests so it is easier to see out the back window. Even Xzibit would be impressed with that.

So although I am happy with the end result. The process was awful. Just constantly checking Craigslist was very depressing. If anything was promising, I'd go into Kelley Blue Book, which was always six steps where it would have been awesome if they could have shrunk that process down. And then I got to the test drive part where something would inevitably go horribly wrong. What I'm basically saying is just buy new cars. It's so much easier, and they come with warranties, so you can do about 15 minutes of research and buy a vehicle. Having money must be awesome.

My Review of Hogan's Beach

So I recently moved about an hour away from Tampa. This meantthat there was one restaurant that was at the top of my list on places to go, Hogan's Beach. Although I'm not quite as proud to be a Hulkamaniac as I once was, Hulk Hogan was still instrumental in my childhood, and I still train and eat my vitamins every day (Yes, I know that I am also supposed to say my prayers, but two out of three ain't bad). Although it isn't quite the holy land, Hogan's Beach was a place I had to go. Also, I could use it to take the wife out for dinner, so win-win.

The first thing that surprised me is that it was actually impressive looking. It is a very large place, and it is right on the beach where you just walk down a few stairs from the restaurant and you can go swimming. They also had beach volleyball and a pretty big stage set up at all times. Unfortunately, when I actually arrived at the restaurant, I found out that valet parking is mandatory and costs $5. That's some bullshit, Hulk Hogan, and I was none too pleased about it as I have parked my own car thousands of times without fail.

They did partially make up for it as I spotted Jimmy Hart walking by immediately when we got in the door. I told my wife who it was before she could make a condescending remark about the tiny guy with the hair of a fun-loving grandma. I figured if Jimmy Hart was right near the door, who knew all of the wrestling greats I might run into. Could I be at a table next to Brian Knobbs? Maybe I could have a beer with Bushwhacker Luke. The possibilities seemed endless. Unfortunately, our run-in with greatness began and ended with the Mouth of the South.

We got a table outside and looked over the menu. I was pleasantly surprised with the varieties of beer they had on tap. They had ten different craft beers on tap, so I ordered a Long Hammer since it was from Seattle, and I lived in Seattle back in the day. Unfortunately, the waitress came back with my wife's drink and not mine. She informed me that they no longer had Long Hammer. I ordered another beer, and she quickly told me that they did not have that either, and that in fact, they only had three of the craft beers listed on the menu. That made my decision much easier, but it was a little disappointing.

Then it was time to figure out food. I quickly scanned the menu, and saw the Hogan Burger. Obviously, this was going to be my decision. My wife asked me if I liked fried egg on my burger. I told her I didn't know, but I was about to find out. I mean, if it's good enough for Hulk Hogan, it's good enough for me.

The food came out, and it was fine. The fried egg on the burger didn't add a ton, but it also didn't take away from the other flavors. The arugula and bacon lardons were the highlights, and the roasted tomatoes and black truffle mayo drifted into the background. The burger tasted like ground beef that had been cooked. So, yeah, the food was nothing spectacular.

I would have to say the biggest highlight were the two guys at the table next to us. They were drinking beers, sharing appetizers, and having shots of Fireball. They finished everything up, and the waitress asked if they wanted their check. These bros were shocked at the audacity of this waitress to see if they wanted their check. One bro replied, "Apparently you don't know us. We like to drink, so we're gonna be here for a while." The waitress, since she did not know them, she was only their waitress, was about to just say "Okay," but before she could, Bro 2 piped up and said, "Two more Miller Lites." Party hard, brosephs. Party hard.

After our meal, we checked out the memorabilia on display and the two biggest highlights were a vitamin bag that was the size of a large backpack and the Thunderlips robe from Rocky III. The latter alone makes it worth the trip.

So where does that leave us with Hogan's Beach? Well, in summary, it's a completely inoffensive tourist trap with some fun Hulk Hogan memorabilia on the wall. It's not good, it's not bad. it just is. I give it 12 inch biceps.

The Most Fun All-Time Iowa Hawkeye Basketball Team

Last week, @BallIsLife presented something beautiful in that they asked people to create their All-Time Basketball team using only $15 (My team of Magic, Jordan, Pippen, Duncan, and Hakeem would not lose). It was a really fun exercise, and it has been repeated for just about every team. The one that got my attention came from Black Heart Gold Pants where they asked people to make their All-Time Hawkeye starting 5. There was a lot of really great debate on it, but then people started bringing up the omitted players that didn't make the list, and most of those players, although beloved, weren't all that good. Still, I loved some of those players, so I decided to create the most fun Iowa Hawkeye basketball team in my history. I will admit that my history really only goes back to the mid-90s from players I remember well enough to include on this list. Honestly, this team isn't great. In fact, if they could put all of these guys in their prime, they'd only be a borderline NCAA team, but man, they would be incredibly fun to watch...on offense. On defense, they would be pretty brutal. But let's get to the picks.

PG - Tony Freeman - This may surprise people, because Iowa has had a lot of decent point guards during my basketball viewing lifetime, but Freeman is the perfect straw to stir the drink. Not only was his shot horrifying, but he was always looking to make a highlight play. Layups were for the weak when you could bounce it off the backboard for the guy trailing behind. Sometimes this led to heads in hands for an entire Hawkeye crowd, but when it worked, hoo boy, it was a thing to behold. Also, in football, we all fondly remember Marvin McNutt's "7 got 6" catch against Michigan State, but let us not forget T-Free's "11 got 3" against sixth-ranked Michigan State.

It's pretty amazing that the final score of 43-36 is only the second funniest thing about this video. The best is that Lickliter who has one athletic guard on his team spends his time talking to implore Tony Freeman to stop driving to the hoop and just shoot jump shots.

SG - Chris Kingsbury - No words are necessary when this video exists:

If that doesn't take you from 6 to 12, then you need to go see a doctor for your ED. Also, the best part of the video are when the announcers recount a converstion with Kingsbury where he said that he loves three pointers. Kingsbury said, "It's better than a dunk, because it counts for one more point." Words to live by.

SF - Ricky Davis - Total homer pick. Ricky Davis and I share a hometown. Vegas 4 Life, baby. He only lasted a year, but I'm not sure if there was ever a more gifted basketball player in Iowa history. It's a shame he was only in college for one year, because both Iowa and Davis would have benefited from him sticking around. Plus, you know that he would make plans with Tony Freeman on weird shit they could try to pull during the game.

PF - Doug Thomas - I've waxed poetically about this guy before and nothing has changed. Minute for minute, there was not a more entertaining Hawkeye in my lifetime. This video should do enough to convince you of his merit.


Still not convinced? Well, according to this video, Thunder Doug is also the HIGHEST JUMPER IN THE WORLD.

Yeah, Thunder Doug is the best.

C - Kurt Looby - This is definitely the toughest position to pick for the Hawkeyes, so I am going to just take the best athlete with the longest limbs who had no idea where those limbs were actually going. Also, if you are a fan of dunks, putbacks, and blocks, then I have 7 minutes in Heaven with Kurt Looby right here.



No great team can only have a starting lineup, so here are five other guys that I would want coming off the bench for me.

Jack Brownlee - A forgotten Hawkeye by many, but he was a rich man's lovable version of John Lickliter. He never earned meaningful minutes, but he was the little engine that could, and used his Senior Night speech to try to get JR Angle a girlfriend.

Joey Range - My memory of Joey Range far outshines his actual performance, but he had a very good Freshman year before dropping out of school. Before looking at the stats, I estimated that he put up a 14-5-3 average. In actuality, it was 8-3-0.5, but with 1.5 steals per game as well. And he shot over 50% from the field. It wasn't a Ricky Davis level Freshman year, but it was better than Roy Devyn Mamba, so Joey Range is an all-time "What if" story.

Seth Gorney - Although it never caught on like it should have, parodying 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" every time Gorney checked in was probably my favorite Iowa cheer. Oh, Me So Gorney, oh oh, Me So Gorney.

Duez Henderson - Duez once bought my friends and I shots at the bar, so he has to make this list.

Brody Boyd - Outside of his ridiculous hot streaks on the court, I feel like Brody Boyd can best be summed up for his efforts off the court by comparing him to another Hawkeye on this list. Although nobody partied harder than Kingsbury, nobody partied longer than Brody Boyd, as I am sure he is still doing keg stands at house parties in Iowa City to this day.

Finally, this team needs a coach. A coach is not only a great leader on the basketball court. He's also a leader in the salon. That being said, there is really only one candidate.

Coach - Steve Alford 

If you have anybody to add, let me know, as I am sure I may have forgotten about some hilarious Hawkeyes, especially during the dark days of Lickliter.