Thursday, January 11, 2018

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #31 John Salley

John Salley
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (deep breath) uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck John Salley. I wanted to put John Salley last. He was a part of the "Bad Boy" Pistons teams, and therefore is my sworn enemy. You may think that Dennis Rodman would also fit this bill, but Rodman transcended those teams and became an entity unto himself. But John Salley sucks ass. Unfortunately, I had to put him this high, because despite limited action for the Bulls, he did actually play during the playoffs for a Bulls championship team.

In the 1995-96 season, John Salley's career was winding down. He was a long ways away from the Bad Boy Pistons, and he was even a couple years away from being a valuable member of the Heat. Instead, he was a member of the Toronto Raptors, the third to last pick in the expansion draft that brought two Canadian teams to the NBA.

Even on that expansion Raptors team, he struggled to make an impact and negotiated a buyout of his contract in February of 1996. The Bulls waited over a month before signing him to a 10-day contract, which I assume was mostly as a joke to troll Pistons fans. Then, he did well enough for the Bulls to sign him to another 10-day contract. Much like his Pistons days, he didn't do a whole lot in the box score, but he showed great aptitude at fouling people as he would average 7.2 fouls per 36 minutes. The Bulls figured the safest spot for him was on their team, so they kept him around for the rest of the season.

In the playoffs, it was more of the same. He specialized in garbage minutes. He scored 14 points while shooting 28% from the free throw line but did manage a whopping 25 fouls. I tried to find a video of his time with the Bulls, but every video I saw showed his stupid face, and I didn't want to subject anybody to that.

He would retire after the 1995-96 season, and the only notable thing that he did after that point was act as a consultant on a single episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. No shocker that his consulting did not lead to anyone finding love.

tl;dr John Salley's only useful skill are fouls, whether it be on the basketball court or fouling up others' opportunities at love. And the Pistons still suck.

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