The 10 Saddest #PerksOfDatingMe

The hashtags on Twitter are really what make it go round. Sure, you can find meaningful and interesting content producers on Twitter, but what fun is that? Hashtags encourage idiots to share their thoughts, and that is why it is such a great medium. Very few people sit around thinking about what the perks of a person dating them would be, but then they see #PerksOfDatingMe trending on Twitter, and it is damn near impossible for them to not share their thoughts on the subject. Here are 10 saddest #PerksOfDatingMe, because there really is no way to rank this sort of sadness.

#PerksOfDatingMe I promise to kiss you when you're in the middle of saying something, play with your hair, and love you till my last day
— The Outfielder Life™ (@OutfielderLife) December 27, 2012

I assume that many ladies would get really irritated by this. Imagine trying to explain something and every fourth word, this asshole starts kissing you while you're trying to talk. I assume that this guy gets kneed in the groin a lot.

#PerksOfDatingMe ill give you my hoodies 😘
— adam (@nolifeadam) December 27, 2012

Do people have nothing to offer these days? Are they such pathetic individuals that the best they can offer is their thickest clothing? That's the best you got? And what do you do after you have given your girlfriend all of your hoodies? She will be super warm, and you will be worthless to the world.

#perksofdatingme I'd rather just chill than go to a party every weekend
— Dylan (@Van0verbeke) December 27, 2012

Hey, ladies. You have friends? You like going out with them? This guy doesn't, so let him ruin your social life. You can spend every weekend on the couch and become stagnant pieces of shit, instead of, you know, living. Get in line for this one, ladies.

#perksofdatingme I will pull you up on stage with me and let the world know who you are and how much you mean to me.
— Jared Ballenger (@jaredballenger) December 27, 2012

...By murdering you in front of all of your family and friends. Remember ladies, he only does it because he cares so much about you.

#PerksOfDatingMe You wouldn't have to worry about me cheating because nobody else wants me.
— Jack Mull (@J4CKMULL) December 27, 2012

No shit, dude. You're a real downer. And why do people think that being undesirable is a quality? That is the opposite of quality. That's like bragging about never worrying about starvation, because you're willing to eat shit even though nobody else is. Jack Mull, you are the shit eating of the dating scene.

#perksofdatingme You need tampons babe ? You want ice cream too ? Tell me the brand and what kind and I'll be back in 20 minutes .
— Kennedy Christofer⚡ (@_CupOfPudding) December 27, 2012

This one really wore me down. A man can only read so much douchiness before it really makes him hate the world. There is so much that is pathetic about this tweet, but nothing will be sadder when he comes back with Playtex flavored ice cream and cherry pudding pops for her monthly.

#perksofdatingme When it's late at night, and we are texting, you're the only one I am texting ..everyone else can wait until tommarow
— Dream ChΔser™ (@ImKingOfThis) December 27, 2012

Text from Grandma: I think I'm having a heart attack. Please help.
Dream Chaser thinks, "That's nice G-ma, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm 'bout to text my boo about what type of buttons I should get on my jeans.

#perksofdatingme don't worry about changing the password on your phone. all your text already get sent to mine 😚
— Jesse Olmstead (@J_Olm21) December 27, 2012

Because all ladies want their man to have no faith in them to the point that they will break into their phone and then program it, so they can stalk them in both regular and cyberspace. This is the type of person who loves you so much that he will one day wear your skin.

#perksofdatingme I will only bring my parents on the first 5 dates ;) after that its just you me and my ... Grandma
— Marisa Riggins(@lilriggins) December 27, 2012

This one is not nearly as depressing as the others, but it really angers me, because she totally messes up the form of the joke. It should end with "After that, it's just you and me...and my Grandma." Ending it with and my... makes no sense. What should the guy expect you to say after that pause? Tits? Butthole? Credit Card? Nobody expects that. Learn how to properly form a joke.

#perksofdatingme If you treat me like a princess and respect me. You'll probably be the happiest man alive cause I'll treat you like a king”
— Quinetta Towachi (@AngelicaPikles) December 27, 2012

I know I have been having fun at these people's expense, but let's be real for a second. Quinetta, you poor thing. What you tweeted here is not good. If a guy treats you like a princess, and you treat him like a king. That means that you will be treating him like your Dad. Was he not around much? That's too bad, but calling your boyfriend Daddy and making him read you bedtime stories isn't going to change the past. Come on, let's take a step forward and never look back. You'll be better off for it.

UFC 155 Picks

Well, I haven't made fight picks in a while, so let's change all that and pick some money winners for UFC 155. It's not a great card, but it's solid, and seeing probably the two best heavyweights in the world square off should make for a good time for all. And to add another level to the fun, I will add a play on words for each of my picks. Where else are you going to find that sort of quality?

John Moraga (-170) over Chris Cariaso
Moraga has been tearing through fools lately, and his only loss is to the best flyweight in the world, John Dodson. Cariaso is a tough cookie, but I expect Moraga to chew through him on his way to a unanimous decision.

Todd Duffee (-350) over Philip De Fries
Duffee is back in the UFC and will probably a"salt" De Fries in the first round with a knockout.

Max Holloway (-375) over Leonard Garcia
Leonard Garcia is a gritty fighter, but the talent level seems to have passed him by. Unfortunately, after this second round TKO, Leonard will be saying Gar-seeya to the UFC.

Michael Johnson (-250) over Miles Jury
I really don't know much about Miles Jury, so this pick is coming from a place of partial ignorance. Johnson has looked impressive lately, so after this fight, the Jury will find Johnson guilty of a dominant decision win.

Erik Perez (-450) over Byron Bloodworth
Perez has torn through his two opponents in the UFC, and I do not expect that to change with this fight. Oh, there will be blood, but it will be Byron Bloodworth's, as he gets stopped in the first round.

Eddie Wineland (-120) over Brad Pickett
Wineland has struggled with wrestlers, but Pickett is from England, so the only wrestling he knows about involves William Regal. This should actually be a really fun fight to watch as I think both guys are going to throw down. Expect Wineland to crush Pickett like grapes in a decision victory.

Jamie Varner (Even) over Melvin Guillard
Shit, man, these are two guys that I hate predicting their fights, because they either dominate or completely shit the bed. I'm guessing that I'll be Smellvin Guillard's poopy pants when he gets caught in a submission in round one.

Constantinos Philippou (-110) over Tim Boetsch
Philippou has been dropping bombs on fools, but Boetsch seems like he is able to weather the storm and just keep coming. Still, absorbing punishment is never an ideal strategy for victory. Expect Philippou to be too much as he smacks that Boetsch up on his way to a decision win.

Jim Miller (-225) over Joe Lauzon
Miller does well when he can outwrestle his opponent, and he should be able to outwrestle Lauzon. Lauzon is a tricky dude, so I don't feel great about the pick, but this is most likely a run-of-the-Miller victory against J-Lau.

Derek Brunson (+140) over Chris Leben
I've never liked Leben, and he seems to have a lot of troubles outside of the octagon. With that many issues, it's hard to believe he still has the time to give the necessary training to keep improving. Brunson will do enough to have Leben looking like a real Munson in this fight.

Alan Belcher (-110) over Yushin Okami
Okami is really only impressive in the way he overpowers opponents. He has faced a lot of guys who were better served at welterweight. Belcher is a legitimate middleweight who has excellent striking ability. Yushin? More like Dushin, because he is going to get TKO'd by Belcher in the second.

Cain Velasquez (+160) over Junior Dos Santos
I picked Velasquez in the first fight, and a minute of action is not enough to change my mind on who is the better fighter. I have a horrible bias towards wrestlers, but that's because wrestling is super valuable in MMA. Cain had a bad knee in the first fight, so I expect him to take advantage of openings to take Dos Santos down. He took down Brock Lesnar with ease, and I cannot imagine that Dos Santos has wrestling on the level of Lesnar. Cain does have a tendency to keep his chin up, which could be bad for him, but I still believe that Cain is Able.

Predictions For The B1G Bowl Games

I am a glutton for punishment, hence I watch a lot of B1G football. And holy hell was that an awful idea this year. Because of the pain and misery that I suffered, I feel like I am a good source on information on whether the B1G can actually win any of these bowl games. Oh, but you also must realize that I have spent so much time watching B1G football that I do suffer from Stockholm Syndrome, so I have started to empathize with my captors. I added my confidence points at the end to sure how confident I was in each team.

Minnesota vs. Texas Tech - Texas Tech is a huge favorite over Minnesota, because everything that people have seen from these teams shows that Tech is a far superior squad. Still, Tommy Tuberville left Tech to go to Cincinnati which is a step sideways at best. I really like to go against teams who lost their coach, but their coach was Tommy Tuberville, and this is a Minnesota team that lost to Iowa, so yeah, not even I can justify a Minnesota win here.
Texas Tech for 18 points. I am probably one of the lowest point totals here, but Jerry Kill could have a seizure and really get his team pumped for a victory.
B1G Record - 0-1

Michigan State vs. TCU - Michigan State lost to Iowa, so this is a pretty easy decision, right? Wrong. Michigan State was actually a pretty good team this year. They were just incredible at not coming through when it mattered. The only team that really beat them down was Notre Dame, and they're in the National Championship. TCU is okay, but these are not the Andy Dalton-led Horned Frogs. Michigan State has found a way to lose a lot of games this year, but the roulette wheel has hit black five times in a row, so I'm putting all of my money on red (Note: This is a gambling strategy that I know to be terrible but have used on many occasions).
Michigan State for 32 points. Yep, I really did that. Mark Dantonio didn't put that many points on this team, but I did.
B1G Record - 1-1

Northwestern vs. Mississippi State - God, I hate Northwestern. With their fancy education and porsches, seriously, they are the worst. If I had the choice to spend a weekend with Northwestern graduates or Juggalos, I'm picking Juggalos EVERY SINGLE TIME. I want to pick against them, but they are actually a pretty competent team. Mississippi State started out how this year, and then they started playing real SEC teams and got curb stomped week after week. So yeah, Northwestern is good enough to win one for the B1G.
Northwestern for 23 points. Because, what do SEC schools know about football?
B1G Record - 2-1

Purdue vs. Oklahoma State - Not even I can justify Purdue winning this one. I can't find a way where they keep it close. They are awful...and yes, they still beat Iowa.
Oklahoma State for 35 points. Yep, I'm willing to wager everything on this one, and I am not sweating it one bit.
B1G Record - 2-2

Michigan vs. South Carolina - These next two games are examples of where most people just take the SEC team, because they should crush their B1G opponent. I actually really like South Carolina, mostly for Jadeveon Clowney, but Michigan is kind of dangerous. I like them more with Gardner at QB and Robinson as a jack-of-all-trades on the offense. I think it gives them a more dynamic offense. Still, Clowney might eliminate both of their quarterbacks in this game. He's kind of a big problem for that offense, so I cannot justify taking Michigan.
South Carolina for 25 points. I put a pretty good amount of points on this game, but I thought hard about it, and I feel that's important.
B1G Record - 2-3

Nebraska vs. Georgia - Georgia seems to shit the bed a lot. Nebraska seems to shit the bed a lot. Expect both teams to shit the bed, but Georgia has three potential first rounders on their defense (despite not having that great of a defense), so expect them to wipe up with the Cornhuskers.
Georgia for 27 points. I'm not sure if I will ever pick Nebraska to win a bowl game.
B1G Record - 2-4

Wisconsin vs. Stanford - I know the answer to this one. It's Stanford, right? Stanford. Okay, I feel good about that...but Wisconsin did dominate a bed-shitting Nebraska team in the B1G Championship. And Chris Borland, probably my favorite player in the B1G, should be fully healthy. Plus, Stanford really designed their defense to stop quicker teams like Oregon, so maybe Wisconsin's power attack could cause some problems. And most importantly, I got B1G blood running through my veins.
Wisconsin for 7 points. B1G! B1G! B1G!
B1G Record - 3-4

I know that I'm higher on the B1G than most, but I could honestly see any of the B1G teams winning their bowl games...except Purdue. Purdue is awful. But any other team, with help from their opposition could win the game. B1G for life.

I Tried to Watch "Chairman of the Board"

I like pain. I put myself in painful situations, because I like to test my own perseverance. Last week, I saw that the movie, Chairman of the Board, starring Carrot Top, was on one of the movie channels. It was halfway through, and I figured I might not be able to follow along with a plot from a movie that stars Carrot Top. I did a quick search and set my DVR to record it the next time it came on.

Finally, I had the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I decided to sit down and watch Chairman of the Board. Here are my experiences with the movie.

Carrot Top's character's name is Edison. He is an inventor. One thing he does not invent is funny.

Also, it took me five minutes before I remembered that Carrot Top was a prop comedian. I only remembered him as a really shitty comedian.

George Costanza's Mom comes in and tries selling the house that Carrot Top is living in. He lives with two surfer bros, and they weren't able to pay the rent, because Edison invested all of their money into inventions that he created. I can't get into all of the inventions that Edison made. It's too painful to relive.

Fuck, I do have to mention one advantage. He creates a bug zapping helmet, wears it himself, and then releases killer bees which proceed to sting a man in charge of a gadget company.

He then helps tells a man he is going to repair his car. After drinking motor oil and having the car fall on him, he only tells the man that he has a busted fan belt, and he'll have to have someone else fix it. The next logical step is obviously for them to go surfing together. Carrot Top is headed for some rocks, he screams, he then hits his surfboard's emergency brake, he then flies into the rocks. They did not actually show him flying into the rocks, you just heard him scream and the old dude said, "That's gotta hurt." They were too cheap to even throw a dummy into rocks.

And I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one is too painful for even me to watch. Do not watch this movie as a joke; it will not be funny. It will be sad and pathetic, and it will make you feel worse about your life. I'm going to watch Smackdown, because that's something that fun-loving adults do on a Friday night.

Let's Check In With The Cansecos

It has been a long time since I checked in with the ramblings of Jose Canseco. Too long, some might say. In fact, it got so bad that I had to start checking in with Ozzie Canseco to get my fix in. Ozzie is still a prominent part of this post, so let's see how our favorite steroid-fueled brothers are doing.

Miss my teammates except @twintower7264. Wily aybar, @twintower7264, me, tony phillips, joey gathright, chris britton. twitter.com/JoseCanseco/st…
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 6, 2012

Why would Jose take a pointless dig at his brother? If you are still asking the question of why with Jose, then you have already lost the battle. Fortunately, I am well aware that I have lost the battle and am more than willing to analyze what he has to say. It's not that Ozzie is his less famous brother, it's that Ozzie is his not famous brother. I follow the man, and if he walked by me on the street, I would probably just think, "Wow, that guy looks like Jose Canseco" without ever equating that he is, in fact, the brother of Jose Canseco. And I even follow him on Twitter.

This is the type of person that Jose feels like he needs to take a dig at. But if you think Ozzie is just going to sit back and quietly take it like a bitch, you've got another thing coming.

@josecanseco NOBODY MISSES U ARROGANT BABY
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) December 7, 2012

ALL CAPS ZINGER, MOTHERFUCKERS! Ozzie will not take those words lying down. He's ready to fight back at the drop of a hat. He gives Jose a sick burn by calling him an arrogant baby. The fact that he is clearly yelling it to the world makes it all the more hurtful. Ozzie is clearly not a man to be trifled with.

To end, let's have a fun competition of craziest tweet of the last week. We'll let Ozzie go first, since I'm guessing that nobody ever let Ozzie go first.

@josemelendez123 get me in that morons @josecanseco podcast. Call me
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) December 12, 2012

Oh, no. Ozzie thinks a podcast is a pod that you can physically climb inside. That's...well, that's just so Ozzie. Batting cleanup, let's see what Jose has to say.

Is it possible to be unlucky your whole life and lucky the rest of your life.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 10, 2012

Um...yes? But I think it just means that you are unlucky your whole life, and there is really no point in the second half of that sentence. In evaluating these tweets, credit goes to Ozzie for a classic Canseco misinterpretation of words, but Jose made my brain melt a little with his tweet. Sorry, Ozzie, but this round definitely goes to the arrogant baby.

Return of the Greg McElroy

I am not the world's biggest Greg McElroy fan. I'm sure his friends and family root for him more vigorously than I do. But I am probably McElroy's biggest fan in the state of Iowa, and that's not too shabby. It started during his college career as he always did a great job of leading the Alabama offense. Him and Julio Jones created one of the most efficient duos in college football. They weren't they most dynamic or feared, because that's not how Alabama's offense rolls. Still, McElroy was impressive enough for me to name him the most underrated QB in the 2011 Draft.

In 2011, Greg was drafted by the New York Jets. It was a pretty ideal situation, because I was never and will never be a believer in Mark Sanchez. He seems like a nice guy, but he's simply not good at being a quarterback. I knew it was only a matter of time. Finally, Greg got his chance. After three Sanchez interceptions, bringing his total to like 100 for the year, Rex Ryan had seen enough and decided to go with G-Mac. The Mack Daddy did not let him down, as he heroically led his team down the field for the game winning score. They could have scored again, but Shonn Greene downed the ball on the one yard line, because the Jets are a classy team with G-Mac leading the crew.

In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't prove a whole lot, but it is good to see McElroy having some mild success in his first real action. As I said before the draft, I didn't see a star, but I saw a serviceable quarterback. The Jets defense has quietly been very good again this year, and a serviceable QB like McElroy could make them a dangerous team in the future. Plus, if he came out to this song...

...he would become the most popular player in NFL history.

My Reaction to the Non-Firing of Greg Davis

Earlier this week, Kirk Ferentz said that Greg Davis would be back with Iowa next year as far as he knew. Although this does leave the door open for Davis to quit, it's probably not going to happen, since he is visiting a recruit this weekend. This basically eliminates all hope for the 2013 Iowa football season. Instead of being sad about this, it has just made me extremely cynical. A friend of mine who went to Iowa State immediately texted me to talk about the great news:

Iowa State Friend: Greg Davis needs this second year to get the horizontal offense completely built in.
Me: Watch out world. He is becoming a BETTER coach.
ISF: Imagine his skill level during the 2018 season. It's going to be poetry in motion.
Me: It will be so horizontal that there will be a replay of every dropped pass to see if it was incomplete or a fumble.
ISF: Greg Davis's crowning achievement will be the first time that his football team covers 400 actual yards with only gaining 10 offensive yards in a game. It will be glorious.
Me: He hasn't done that yet?
ISF: Got close at Texas, but one of his insane athletes screwed it up and actually busted a two yard hook for an actual gain.
Me: Idiot. Don't have to worry about that with Iowa players.
ISF: And that is why Iowa is perfect for him; it's not like Ferentz is ever going to fire anyone.
Me: We really need Greg Davis to get caught smoking weed. Kirk hates weed smokers.
ISF: Those damn weed heads ruin programs, not awful clock management.
Me: There is no such thing as clock management. There is a clock, but it's not like Kirk is some sort of god who can stop time.
ISF: Not a time stopping god? that is your opinion, but I doubt Kirk shares it. You'd be amazed what that wall of protection money can buy.
Me: Kirk spends all of his money on gum.
ISF: Explains the impressive jaw line.
Me: It's definitely money well spent.

So the two big takeaways here are that Kirk has a very good jaw line, and I am probably not going to be super pumped for this season unless Greg Davis starts hanging out with Afroman. Go Hawkeyes!

I Pissed Myself Playing NBA Jam

So I set out a a goal a couple weeks ago to do three posts a week on this blog. Last week was an epic failure, as I did not post a single thing. Sure, I could use the holidays as an excuse, but honestly, I had way more free time than normal last week. I was just really lazy. To punish myself, I will share an embarrassing story.

I once pissed myself playing NBA Jam. I was far past the age where I should have been peeing my pants, but I stand by the decisions that led to this outcome.

Kirby Puckett was my favorite baseball player growing up. Because of that, my family took a little vacay up to the Twin Cities to catch a baseball game and go to the Mall of America. The baseball game was rather uneventful. Kirby Puckett nearly threw me a baseball after my brother hollered at him, but his throw went to the little douchebags to the left of us who brought gloves to the game. I also remember being along the third base line at the front of the second level and still being scared to utter anything that Kirby Puckett might hear, because he was basically a god to me at that point in my life.

Anyway, the Mall of America. I was a ten-year-old boy (Yes, I was ten at the time of this, not a big deal. Let's get past this) who had to think malls were stupid, because that's what boys do. Still, this mall was legit. It had a roller-coaster that looked safe, which was important, because I was a gigantic pussy as a child.

They also had an arcade, which is the only other thing that I remember about the world's biggest mall. NBA Jam was the hottest game at the time, and I had it all to myself to destroy the evil computer gods in basketball with my two homies, Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant. Pippen was my favorite player, so he took all the shots, while Grant was there for rebounds and moral support.

So, surprisingly, because I was a ten-year-old with limited coordination, I was kicking ass at NBA Jam. After winning like two or three games in a row, I was playing the Charlotte Hornets. I had realized that I had to pee for quite a while, but I had already put my quarters in, so I certainly couldn't leave the machine. So, there I was, ten-years-old, battling the Charlotte Hornets in a back-and-forth battle, while doing the peepee dance. As time was ticking down, I stopped doing the dance, and the pee came trickling down. I was pissing down my leg while battling Kendall Gill and Larry Johnson. I knew this was bad, but goddamn, did I want to bash in the Hornets' brains, and I really didn't want to let Scottie down. Unfortunately, I ended up losing the game. I was finally able to leave the machine and let the rest of my pee out in a urinal, you know, like most three-year-olds are able to do.

There was literally piss running down my leg at one point, and I was hoping that me wiping it away like it was sweat would be a smooth maneuver. I am assuming that at least one person from my family noticed, and I would just like to thank them for not saying anything. I have been holding this story in for 18 years, as sharing it any earlier would have probably led to a lot of lot of sessions with a psychiatrist.

Much like letting that piss out while playing NBA Jam, I feel relieved.

Who Has It Worse: Iowa or Michigan State Fans?

As I sat through another shockingly bad Iowa Hawkeye effort today against Michigan, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm past the depressing part of the season. I'm past being even bummed out about things. It's just comical at this point. Iowa is not good at football. They are not good on offense; they are not good on defense, and I guess they're kinda okay on special teams. Right now, I'm just hanging on to the fact that Greg Davis only got a one year deal, because of a technicality, so maybe Barta will put the pressure on Ferentz to give him the boot, because that offense is really depressing (Note: It did not seem as depressing today. I think that this is because it was fun to see Weisman back and I love seeing tight ends utilized. Still, the stats are proof that it was still quite awful).

But that's where I'm at now with the Hawkeyes: Indifference. I just don't care. Now if you want a really depressing situation, just look to another team in the Legends division in Michigan State. Now THAT is a depressing situation. They were one of the favorites to win the Legends division this year and instead have just one more win than Iowa. Outside of losing 20-3 to a Notre Dame team that is still undefeated, they have been right in every game. Look at these other losses:

Going into the game at 3-1, they lost to Ohio State by one point, 17-16. Ohio State, much like Notre Dame is still undefeated.

Two weeks later, they lose in double overtime, 19-16. They lost that game to IOWA. That loss is looking worse and worse as the season goes on. How did they lose that game? I watched it and still had trouble figuring it out. But, sure enough, they lost to Iowa. That alone is enough for fans to start cutting themselves just so they can feel again.

The next week, they played their in-state rival, Michigan, and lost 12-10. They were up 10-9 with two minutes to go before Michigan drove 41 yards before kicking a field goal with five seconds left. That's a pretty depressing way to lose a football game.

Two weeks later, after an inspiring win over Wisconsin in overtime, they lose to Nebraska 28-24, because Taylor Martinez who is as good at throwing footballs as I am at having babies, threw a touchdown pass with six seconds left in the fourth quarter to give them the lead.

And now today, they lose to Northwestern. As Michigan State was trying to get the ball back, they forced an incomplete pass from Northwestern on third down. Unfortunately, Johnny Adams, their best cornerback, committed a stupid pass interference penalty. They gained some more yards, and took some more time off the clock. MSU finally gets the ball back, gets to fourth down where Andrew Maxwell nails Sims down the middle before he loses the football. They ended up calling it an incomplete, but Northwestern recovered it even it was a fumble, so there was no point in challenging the call. They lost 23-20 either way.

Outside of Andrew Maxwell, Michigan State seems like a good team, yet they only have one more win than Iowa team that is most certainly not a good team. So, yeah, it's awful to be a Hawkeye fan, but it's far less heartbreaking than cheering for Michigan State.

Breaking Down the Lyrics of IMx's "First Time"

In my pursuit to comment on relevant things in the media, I have decided that it is time to look at a song that is over a decade old and probably not all that memorable for most people. The song is by IMx (also known as Immature, something I just found out by looking at their Wikipedia page), and it is called "First Time." If you do not know this song, you are probably in the majority. This song peaked at #69 (LOL) on the hip hop charts. It never even made it to the top 100 on the regular billboard charts. I seriously have no clue why I even have this song on my iPod. I have no idea where I would have even heard this song. I am not and was never hip enough to know anything about Hip Hop. But words cannot express how much I love this song. I have never listened to this song without laughing out loud. The lyrics are so wonderful, and that is why I want to break this song down, so you can enjoy it as much as I do. Before we do, refresh yourself on what a wonderful song it is, or enjoy it for the first time.

Now onto the lyrics:


[x3]
La la la la la la...
la la la la
la la la la la la la..

You know what they're trying to do right here? Set the mood. Ladies and gentleman, I deem this operation a total success.

See, normally a brother wouldn't talk about his first time

Except every guy ever who immediately brags to his friends about how some girl was dumb enough to let him put his weewee in her happy hole. That means penis in vagina for those of you who don't use the mature terminology.

But I'll just be real with y'all and say what's on my mind 
I remember like yesterday, just a little man 

What are we guessing, 14 years old? Is that what qualifies as a little man? It probably does, which means he definitely started before I did. It is amazing how people were so unconcerned about cooties in different parts of the country. I researched the shit out of that before I made any physical contact with a girl.

Had no clue, just quite didn't understand 
Looked up to big bro for a little advice 

Okay, that sounds like a good idea. You are 14, so you probably should ask your big brother if this is a good idea. I am sure your brother shared with you how important sex is, and how this is a really big deal and you need to be careful. I am sure he was very thoughtful with how he chose his words.

He said "Young bro, whatever you do, just make sure you strap twice" 

THAT IS THE BEST ADVICE EVER. What kind of family did this kid come from? Did I miss out by not asking my big bro about sex at a young age? Would he have given this sort of brilliant advice to me? As a 14 year old, would I have known to wear two condoms, or would I have heard enough rap music to think that I should bring two guns, because, you know, bitches be crazy. Looking back, I am very glad that I was not a sexually active 14 year old.

I was a little bit nervous about being my first time 
But I said "What the hell this girl is too damn fine" 

A few years ago, I was looking through my middle school yearbook. I remember who I thought was really hot back then. I looked at the pictures, and let me make an official blog proclamation, no 14 year old girl is "too damn fine."

[Chorus] 
My very first time 
In the house, on the couch, in your parents' bedroom remember 

Why do her parents have a couch in their bedroom? Problems between Mom and Dad? Probably; that's why their daughter is having sex at such an early age. Proper morals start at home. If Dad had to move a couch into the bedroom just so he would have a place to sleep in peace, clearly things are not going well.

My very first time 
Can't wait 'til the day when I see you again remember 

Dude, you probably biked over there. You could see her tomorrow. I wouldn't think that many parents would see a boy come over and immediately think that you had sex with their daughter the day before. Unless they can smell it on you, and seriously, if that is the case, take a shower, you probably smell awful.

My very first time 
It was just as special to me as it was to you girl 
My very first time 
Will never forget my first time 

See it was Sunday afternoon, moms and pops were gone 

Probably having a lovely afternoon at the Home Depot.

We had to be on the low cuz they were on their way home 

You probably should have started shortly after they left. Not right before they were about to get home.

We started kissing then it led straight to the bed 
Can't believe this is happenin' is what I'm thinking in my head 
Lasted like a minute but it seemed like forever 

I really appreciate his honesty. I could write a simliar song, but I'm not sure how I would rhyme with "multiple orgasms." I don't know, maybe, "filled her chasm," but I'm just workshopping right now.

We almost got caught but I'm just too damn clever 

It wasn't your cleverness that got you out of that situation, it was that it lasted a minute. If you could rob a bank in one minute, it would probably be a whole lot easier to get away with it.

Your parents came home from church and i was outta there like a drop of a dime

Woah, woah, woah. Let's slow down here. Her parents weren't at Home Depot; they were at church? She skipped church to bang you for a minute? Shit dude, don't warp it twice, wrap it thrice. Safety first, brah.

Man I will never forget my first time

The sores still haven't gone away, have they?

This goes out to the first do you know 
when will I see you again (see you again) 
And no matter how old we both get no regrets I'll never forget 
My first time 

I'm sure that she has a few regrets. Her one minute of sex just got her a one-way ticket to hell.

[Chorus] 

See some of you might've started early, some of you started late 
But I know when I started, man, I thought it was great 
This goes out to all my little brothers in the world 
Make sure your first time's with that special girl 

The one that requires a double wrap on your dong.

Clap your hands if you remember (clap your hands) 
your first time (first time), your first time (first time) 
Clap your hands (clap your hands with me) 
if you remember your first time (your first time), your first time baby 

You can bet your ass that I clap every time I hear this part of the song, and I would expect you to do the same.

[Chorus x2]

So that is why I love this song so much. It never fails to make me smile. So clap your hands, fill that chasm, and whatever you do, make sure you strap twice.

A New Era of Quarterback Development

One of the hot stories in the NFL has been how well the rookies have performed this year. There was a similar story last year as people were rightfully impressed with what players like Cam Newton and Andy Dalton did last year. There is no denying it; these guys have far exceeded my expectations in their rookie year. 

But I don't think this means that we're in some golden age for quarterbacks. I think that the NFL has just done a much better job with quarterback development. One huge cause is the rise of passing in college football. It was only about 15 years ago when Nebraska was kicking the shit out of people using the option with players like Eric Crouch and Tommie Frazier (Note: If a Nebraska fan is reading this, it was 15 years ago, get over yourselves). College offenses have become much more complicated, and it has no doubt helped quarterback development. 

The other big key has been that offensive coordinators are adjusting their schemes to more closely align with what they were successful with during college. It has created new schemes in the NFL, because the NFL is following college football's lead on innovation. That was definitely not the case until very recently, but college coaches have more freedom to experiment and fail, where NFL coaches have every decision questioned.

But just because these guys are doing so well in their rookie year does not mean that they are going to become superstars. I feel like Andrew Luck is the only guy who I would be shocked if he did not somehow become a superstar quarterback. Everybody else has question marks in my mind. I will openly admit that I have loved Andrew Luck since the beginning of his sophomore year, and I do mean that in a slightly gay way, because watching him pick apart defenses does give me a chub on occasions.

I am not completely sold on RGIII. And the reason has to do with Cam Newton's step back this year. These two are far, far different quarterbacks, but they do both rely on their running abilities to gain yards and open up passing opportunities. RGIII does it with pure speed, and Newton does it with power and a good amount of speed. But the one thing they have in common is that they are in a scheme that is new to most NFL defenses. It is something that they are not running up against with other teams. 

It's a lot like going up against Georgia Tech in college. Their spread option causes opponents a lot of issues, not because of the talent on the field as much as how different it is to face than any other college offense. It takes a while to get used to all of that misdirection, and it can really throw off defenses. But when Iowa played them in the Orange Bowl a few years ago, their offense got overwhelmed as the Hawkeyes had enough time to prepare for their offense and dominated.

Obviously, NFL defenses are not going to have six consecutive bye weeks to prepare for a team, but, for the most part, there are better coaches in the NFL than college. They are going to find things to pick up on and strategies to counteract what is working for the Redskins. I think RGIII is good enough to counter the counter, because his accuracy is far better than Newton's, but I could see there being an issue. It's very likely he becomes a great quarterback, but I wouldn't be shocked if he was more in the top 15 starters than the top 5. 

With Ryan Tannehill, Russell Wilson, and Brandon Weeden, they have shown flashes of being good quarterbacks (Weeden less than the other two), but they are also quarterbacks who have benefited from their coaches designing offenses to emphasize their strengths. When I type that sentence, it is really amazing that teams were not doing this before, but teams more tried to find quarterbacks who would fit in their system than making a system that fit them. Out of these three guys, I would say that Tannehill has the best shot of being a top 10 quarterback, and I give him a 25% chance of doing that. That sounds bad, but it is really tough to become a top 10 quarterback these days. Outside of Blaine Gabbert, there are not many bad quarterbacks in the NFL. I mean, a guy like Joe Flacco goes to the playoffs every year, and you could make the argument that he is not one of the top 20 quarterbacks in the league. 

It's too early to get super excited about what is happening with these guys. They are having better rookie years than their predecessors, but they are in a different era than those guys. The second year is the new rookie year, where if guys are succeeding in year two, it is time to be impressed...except for with Andrew Luck, because he's the greatest.

The Best Sad Political Comments on Facebook Last Night

Going on Facebook after Obama was declared winner of the presidency could have ended in one of two ways depending on my state of mind. It could have depressed the hell out of me to see the shit that people were saying, or it could have ended in hilarity, because, holy shit, people are painfully stupid. I decided to make it awesome and break down the best things I saw on Facebook last night.

Sad day

Stupid, but at least reasonable. It is simple and to the point. I could at least imagine myself having these feelings if a candidate I did not believe in won the election.

Time for more handouts and obscene spending!

Was the spending obscene? You could make that case, but the spending has been obscene for 12 years now. Selective memory is neat.

Moving backwards another four years!!!

The three exclamation points add intelligence to the claim.

if obama wins I'm moving to Brazil once my my money comes in..... #fuckobama#

Because Brazil is a safe haven where everything is fantastic. DID YOU NOT SEE FAST FIVE? THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE!

But my favorite comments, BY FAR, were the following:

May God have mercy on this nation.

Praying for America and our future. This is scary.

We can only pray that The Lord has mercy on the USA...pray that HE gives us the strength that this country needs.

Oh, God, it is just so painfully stupid and ignorant and wonderful all at once. When you read it as stupid and ignorant, it makes a person's palm go directly to their forehead, but take a second, and read it for all its wonderful glory. I am totally fine with people believing in God. 

The first one is stupid but simple, so it doesn't incite much anger in me.

The second one is way dumber. This is scary? What the fuck is scary about this? A president got elected. It wasn't the person who you wanted to win. Grow the fuck up.

And finally, the third comment. Oh, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant piece of art. Because this is not a sentence; this is art. Like if I was trying to write from the most ignorant person in the world's point of view, I could never come up with something this amazing. Thank you, retarded person who wrote this. Thank you so much.

Now here's my issue...

I have no problem if you see God as an all-powerful being who can control anything he damn well pleases. I have no issue if you see God as all-powerful, but as someone who refuses to step in as it would invade man's freedom of choice. But you can't have it both ways. Now, these Religious Fuckwads are in a little thing called the circle of logic. And when Religious Fuckwads are surrounded by logic, it leads to disastrous results. 

If God was all powerful, and you think that Obama will ruin the country, I am sure God could have stopped that. Why not have a hurricane that takes out the president instead of electricity in New York? Huh, God? Why did you not do that? SHOW US YOUR MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH. 

If God refuses to step in, then who gives a fuck? He clearly hasn't done anything on this planet before, and we're doing just fine. Most of the people who are complaining about the unemployment rate not only have a job, half of them probably don't even know a person who is actually unemployed. And if they don't think God has the power to step in, then, really, what's the point? If I was going to pick a God, I certainly wouldn't pick the weak ass bitch God that can't even show his awesome power. 

Make up your minds, Religious Fuckwads (I would like to trademark this term). Either your God is all powerful and he supports Obama, or he is a weak ass bitch who can't even step in to make anything happen. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I am guessing that the people who posted these comments do not realize that Mitt Romney is Mormon, and therefore has the most hilarious beliefs ever. Sure, I could show a South Park clip, but instead I will show one of the most underrated videos on the internet: 

You're Welcome.

Vote Or Die!

Hey everybody, get out and rock the vote, unless you are voting for a candidate that I do not like, in which case you are clearly an uninformed asshole that does not deserve to have a vote. Learn the facts man, your candidate is Mormon/Muslin, so clearly they are trying to kill this country from the inside. You are only voting for that candidate because you are racist/don't want to appear to be a racist. I mean, come on, he hates women's rights/small businesses. Don't be fooled by his fantastic hair/smile.

Oh, but if you're not in a swing state, your vote does not matter for the presidential election, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you are reading this blog, you probably have no idea what separates most of the other candidates on your ballot. I voted no on retaining all the judges, because they clogged up my mailbox, and my dream is that Judge Dredd or Judge Reinhold will one day be making all the laws in this state. You see? My vote does matter.

Well, I'm pretty sure that is all you need to know about voting. Vote or DIE!

This Is an A and B Conversation...

This is a musical group called A&B Conversation. They have nothing to do with this article, but I thought this picture was awesome.

You know the old phrase, "This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it?" Well, I was talking to my dog, and my main squeeze decided to ask me what we were talking about. Without missing a beat, I told her, "This is an A and B conversation, so how about you listen to a CD, take some E, and get the F out." She was not nearly as impressed as she should have been. I thought it was one of the greatest things ever said in history. Therefore, I decided to expand on it. Enjoy.

This is an A

and B

conversation, so how about you listen to a C

D,

take some E,

and get the F

out, because I'm a straight up G.

If you're feeling butthurt, you could use some Preparation H.

Don't get it in your I,

Because you'll miss me making a J,

K?

Just because you got the L,
there's no need to have a bM

Just say N

O

to drugs. Because if you have to P

You will have to answer some Qs.

Like R

you gonna S

this thang? Be sure to have some T

ready to get the taste out of your mouth. And be sure that U

don't lose your V

card. Because W

is no longer president, so there's no need to get X

rated. Because, really, Y

would you want to do that?
So catch some Zs,
because this conversation is over.

This is the dumbest thing I have ever written. I apologize. With that being said, if anybody ever actually uses this in real life, they will instantly become my hero.

In Defense of Ferentz

So, I wanted to give my two cents on the state of the Iowa Hawkeye football program (maybe only 1.5 cents, but it's something). It's that time of the year when everyone is calling for Kirk Ferentz to be fired. First off, it's not gonna happen, so you can give up on that notion, because Iowa is not going to pay him $20 million to sit on the couch at home.

Next, and more importantly, it shouldn't happen. Kirk Ferentz is a hell of a football coach. Is he the best coach in the country? Probably not. Is he overpaid? Probably, but I hope to God that I one day can get people complaining that I am overpaid. I can't blame a guy for being overpaid, that's a good job by him and his agent.

And, really, had Iowa recovered an onside kick, they would be 5-2 right now, and although we had dreams of 6-1 or 7-0, Iowa State is a pretty good football team, and most people thought Michigan State's offense would be good enough to win a home game against Iowa before the season started. We got a good win over Michigan State and took an absolute beating against Penn State. It's only the surprise of how those things turned out that anger Iowa fans. Oh, and back to that onside kick. Yeah, that was really bad. I'm trying to come up with a positive, but it was really awful and frustrating. Still, I'm not going to put a freak play (that admittedly has happened over and over) as enough to get a guy fired.

On top of that, this year was predestined to suck. Iowa's best years are when they have experienced offensive and defensive lines. They returned two starters between those two lines. They have had young guys step up and show they can play this year, which means the future is looking bright. I know everybody remembers the glory boy quarterbacks, Brad Banks, Drew Tate, and Ricky Stanzi, who I loved too, but they are not the same type of talent that has been on our offensive and defensive lines. Even a guy like Matt Roth, who never had a huge impact in the NFL, was an AWESOME college football player. Meanwhile, you have guys like Jonathan Babineaux who got overlooked a lot of times at Iowa, who has been a great defensive tackle in the NFL (feel free to substitute Robert Gallery and Marshall Yanda if you want an example of offensive linemen). That's what makes the Hawkeyes great.

Now onto that elephant in the room, Greg Davis. I'm as frustrated as everyone else with the offense. I have trouble giving Davis a whole lot of credit for the running game, since it is based on a zone blocking scheme that has been around as long as Ferentz. Maybe that's unfair. Maybe he should get credit, but we judge offensive coordinators on the passing game more than the running game, and the passing game has been hot garbage.

Is Greg Davis completely to blame? Not completely, but this horizontal offense is bad. People wanted to anoint Vandenberg as the greatest quarterback since Chuck Long, but there were warning signs going into this season. He struggled badly against good defenses. He has also been awful at handling pressure. And those problems have continued and possibly gotten worse. I think teams have game planned for him better this year. Still, all of you Ken O'Keefe haters are being awfully quiet right now, because he actually fit Kirk's offensive philosophies pretty damn well.

So, where are we? Well, the good news is that we lack experience and our offensive and defensive lines have played better than expected (we'll see how they deal with the injuries, but at least it gets more experience for guys). The other good news is that the defense has played pretty well for the most part. I know our worst games seem to stand out, but the front and back end (safeties) are inexperienced, so we're going to have those problems.

The bad news is that Greg Davis's offense has not shown us much. It's worrisome. They do have an easy out at the end of this season. But Kirk is a fiercely loyal guy who has never bent to criticism, and that's an admirable trait. Whether Davis's one year on staff has built up that loyalty remains to be seen. Kirk's not going to call out his offensive coordinator in the middle of the season. Actually, he's never going to call out any coach, ever.

There's worse things than going to bowl games every year and winning double-digit games every three or four years. There are worse things in the world than winning seven games. Just take a look at Auburn. Kirk's done more than enough to earn our trust, and I, personally, am happy that he is the Iowa Hawkeyes Head Football Coach.

The Bulls Bench Will Still Be Good

The more analysis I read, the more I see some serious doubt towards the Chicago Bulls. They lost The Bench Mob, and that was a huge strength for them last year. But I still believe in the Bulls. In fact, I believe in the Bulls bench, which is a ragtag group that has no experience together. It may take some time for the guys to gel, but by the end of the season, I don't see a reason why this bench can't be nearly as good as the one the Bulls had last year. The players in The Bench Mob got no one excited before they came to the Bulls. It's the same thing with these guys, but if you run a proper system, guys can look good. Here is what the Bulls lost from last year.

Omer Asik - This is the toughest loss for the Bulls. He filled a role in the middle of the defense that let other guys take chances to create turnovers. He was basically a perfect fit. On top of that, this is where the Bulls probably got their weakest replacement. I am going to miss Asik, but since the Bulls are trying to avoid the luxury tax like it's the plague, it didn't make sense to match the Rockets' contract.

Kyle Korver - This is about the only guy who had any sort of reputation before joining the Bulls. He is an awesome 3-point shooter. That is really nice to have, especially since the bench did not have a lot of scoring. His defense got better, but it was still not good, which did not make him an ideal complement to Derrick Rose in crunch time. Also, I was terrified anytime that he put the ball on the floor, because it rarely led to good things. Another thing that helps for the future is the $5 million trade exception, which gives them an opportunity to basically add two strong veterans this coming offseason when they inevitably drop Rip Hamilton's non-guaranteed contract. Using the amnesty clause on Boozer also makes a ton of sense, which is nothing against Boozer, outside of saying that he is not a $15 million player.

Ronnie Brewer - He was always a good defender, but he was not a guy that was going to create his own shot, and even when he did shoot, he was never going to be a consistent scorer. That being said, Brewer was another favorite of mine. I would find him hard to replace, but his replacement is probably my second favorite bench player behind Taj Gibson. We'll get to him later.

John Lucas III - I think the Bulls will be okay here.

Brian Scalabrine - Good news: The Bulls will have an extra soul on the roster this year.

C.J. Watson - A good backup point guard, who did a nice job of being a poor man's Derrick Rose. He did a very good job of fitting within the Bulls system. He could score, but he was never seen as a big time scorer, just a good bench scorer. He was a nice little pickup for the Bulls, but he is not a game changer.

So that is what they lost? What did they gain for this season? Well, if you listen to the mainstream media, they somehow signed a bunch of nothing, but it's not like there is not potential with the signings that the Bulls made.

Marco Belinelli - He started a good amount of games for the Hornets last year, which is...something that happened and doesn't mean a whole lot (especially since it was because of Eric Gordon's injury). Still, he's a guard who can score, and hit threes well enough. He was good enough to be a solid contributor as a starter, so he could excel at times in a bench role.

Jimmy Butler - I know he is not an addition, but he is actually going to get some serious minutes off the bench, and I am way too excited for this. He has been working with Thibodeau, and I think he is ready to get some significant minutes at small forward. Deng has a bum wrist, so it would be nice if they finally stopped playing him 45 minutes a game. I think Butler is ready to step up and be a nice contributor.

Kirk Hinrich - I think I'm the only person on the planet who liked the Hinrich signing. He's a good fit, as he can run the point, but also shift to the 2 when Rose gets back and play tough defense on the better guard. I like a lineup with him at the 2 more than I like Rip Hamilton, because I think Hinrich's defense is a very good complementary piece to Rose as he can play the better scoring guard on defense which allows Rose to focus completely on offense, which is definitely best for him.

Nazr Mohammed - Yeah, remember how good I said Asik was, this is the other reason why the Bulls will miss him so much. On the positive side, at least he's a rich man's Scalabrine, so that's...something.

Vladimir Radmanovic - He's a big man who can shoot the three, so that is a nice piece to have around. He's not a game breaker, but having a big guy who can spread the floor is a nice piece to have off the bench.

Nate Robinson - He is boom or bust, but that isn't the worst thing in the world when you have a bench that is going to have trouble scoring. Like I mentioned, moving Hinrich into the starting group and moving Rip Hamilton back gives the second team another good scorer, but a guy like Robinson who might just get on fire will be fun to have around. Yes, him getting very cold and taking awful shots and making awfully dumb plays will be frustrating, but I'm here to focus on the positive, so just forget this last sentence.

Marquis Teague - He probably won't get a ton of playing time, but this was a high upside pick, which is exactly what I would want to see from a Bulls team that was picking that late in the draft. He was inconsistent, but he was one of the most talented players in the draft, so to get him that late was a steal. Maybe he can come in and provide a spark when Nate Robinson is doing inexplicable things.

Yes, the Bulls pulled a bunch of guys off the scrapheap, they at least consulted Thibodeau to figure out which scrapheap guys could best play in his system. This is not the same bench as they had last year, but that doesn't necessarily make it worse They do not appear to be nearly as good on defense, but I do think that this is a better offensive bench than what the Bulls had with The Bench Mob.

Going into the season two years ago, nobody expected anything special from the bench, and it turned out to become possibly the best bench in the league. Now, here we are again, where nobody is expecting anything from the bench, but I really think they will surprise people with how well they play in Thibodeau's system.

Don't Post Your Political Views On Facebook

So it's election season, and that is obviously a very important thing for the country. Some people are for one guy, some people are for the other, while others are for Ron Paul. It really doesn't matter to me who you support as long as you do not post your opinions on Facebook. There is no way to post your thoughts without coming across as an ignorant piece of shit.

Facebook always pisses me off, because statuses of Facebook friends are a collection of the dumbest shit you will see on the internet. I rarely follow people I know on Twitter, because I have to be drunk around most of my friends to enjoy them, where genuinely intelligent people, I can enjoy at any time. I do not blame the people I know for this, as some of my Tweets and Facebook statuses are boring as well. I've probably tweeted "IOWA!" and where most people would think that was about a sporting event, it was probably just me having some really good corn on the cob.

This is usually not a problem, because it is harmlessly worthless comments. But when politics get involved, it centralizes everything I hate in the world and puts it in a sentence or two. A reasonable status is very rare, because people don't feel the need to post rational ideas about politics. They only post if they feel very strongly about things. Whether it's "Way to kick his ass, Obama," or "Romney has a PLAN," or "There he goes again, avoiding the issues," it doesn't matter, because they all would have been better kept in your brain as opposed to typed out on a keyboard. Just about everybody expands on the samples that I provided, but the longer your post is, the more it comes across as a person who is retarded but thinks they're doing a really good job of hiding it.

Even a reasonable status pisses me off. Seeing something like, "Doesn't matter who wins, because we're in America, land of the free," and that gets 50 likes, because if you don't like a status that is pro-America, you are probably a terrorist. It shouldn't take an election to make you realize that your life is pretty sweet here in the USA, Ricky Stanzi reported on that like three years ago.

Yet, there I am, going into Facebook and reading this crap. All it does is build the rage up inside of me, and that is valuable hate that I could be using for sports instead of stupidity. I can't help it. I'm basically like a slow child, I put my hand in the fire, realizes it burns, takes my hand away, only to put it right back in the fire to see what happens this time. Yep, same results, people are fucking retarded.

Trust me, you do not have anything important to say when it comes to politics. There should not be any audience for your thoughts, because they are stupid. So...painfully stupid.

So, please, the next time you have a thought about politics, don't go to your computer. If you're at your computer, don't start typing out that thought. If you start typing out that thought, please, for the love of God, do not hit send. And if you hit send, at least clean out your diaper when you're done before you go back to chewing on that chair leg.

Running Is Dumb

After a two-week hiatus due to the flu, I got back to running this past Saturday. The bad news is that running is dumb. The good news is that I am an idiot, and hoo boy, was I stupid on this run.

I never really set out a definite path or length for my runs, because I like to live my life with freedom and adventure (America!). This can lead to shorter runs, because during my run, I realize how stupid running is, or it can lead to longer runs, where my stupidity outweighs the stupidity of running, and I just keep going. My run was the latter.

It started out quite peacefully, temperature in the mid-50s, a little bit of wind, but nothing excessive. So I just strolled along. The one thing I do decide before my run is pick my music. It's usually happy music, rap from the late 90s early 00s, or heavy metal/Ultimate Warrior Inspirational speeches. Today was happy music, so I was at peace as I got my run on.

Things were going smooth for me early on in the run. I took a road with no sidewalks, but since it was early in the morning, cars were good about giving me my required three feet of space as they drove by. At about mile four, I saw this 50 year old dude running the other way across the street, and he was going at a good pace. Good for him, I thought, as I gave a friendly wave as we went our separate ways. Shortly thereafter, I heard a bike coming up from behind me so I got to the side as it got on my ass pretty quickly. Then, it turned out that it was just the 50 year old speed demon passing me by. This was the fastest human being alive. I am convinced he is like an Albino Kenyan. I have kept up with most people riding bikes better than I was able to keep up with him. He also had a jacket tied around his waist, and as he got further away, it had the effect of making him look like a superhero. I tried to pick up my pace, but I'm not sure if my Ford Escort could have kept up with him. To top it all off, we chatted a little as he flew by me, which led to him asking me if I was Canadian. I have no idea why he thought I was Canadian. I don't think I look Canadian. I don't think I sound Canadian. My best guess is that he overheard me listening to Alanis Morissette on my run and figured I was doing it for national pride. So, I got passed like a bitch and accused of being Canadian. That is the definition of complete ownage.

When I get completely owned, I need to get revenge. Since I was physically unable to catch The Human Bullet, I decided that I would run further than he did. Sure, he was out of sight, so I have no idea how far he ran, but as long as my heart believes that I ran further than him, I would be fine. A light sprinkle started which actually felt quite nice. This would not feel nice later on.

Like an idiot, I ran...and ran....and ran. The road was new to me, so I got distracted by the pretty trees with their leaves changing colors and the houses I had never seen before. My IQ drops to mentally handicapped when I run, so everything about the world turns truly wondrous for me.

As I entered my third town from my run, I thought, "Cool, let's keep running." I should have thought, "Probably time to head back." But I kept running. Then the road I was on ended, which was another sign to head back, but I saw the Interstate in the distance, so I decided to run on the shoulder of a highway as cars zipped by me. This was not concerning at all, because I was in my mental retardation state, so I was just thinking, "Wow, cars go VROOOM!"

I finally cross under the interstate and decide it is time to head home. My happiness subsides, and I realize that this is not going to be fun. The rain is no longer a sprinkle, as it is coming down pretty hard. About a mile into my adventure on the way back, Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain" gets me way too pumped. Because it's raining. And I'm running really hard, so it is like my feet are on fire. So I'm basically living the song out. And that's not feminine at all, it is totally badass, so I stand by rocking out to Adele.

I'm about halfway back, and it is absolutely pouring. A car pulls over to the side of the road, maybe because they are worried about my well-being. No, they just need directions. I barely know where I am, but I take their map and figure out where they need to go. I am proud of this good deed on my part, but I'm pretty sure they never found the place as they ignored my first direction of, "Turn around."

And on I went. I was completely drenched. I had to stuff my iPod down my underwear to try to save it from the rain. I consistently stepped in puddles filling my shoes with their own tiny, little puddles. Hills were nearly unbearable as I could barely lift my legs high enough to keep moving forward. And there was not enough Adele in the world to keep me pumped. Basically, it sucked.

After 17 miles, I finally stumbled home. I drank a glass of water and ate a banana in about 15 seconds. I then peeled off my clothes, which I think weighed about 10 pounds with all of the water weight, and took a hot shower. I then bundled up, covered myself with two blankets and shivered for the next half hour as I watched a wedding show, as I was too cold to change the channel.

Running is dumb. Don't ever do it...I wonder where I'll run next week.

What Would It Take For You To Eat Poop?

This seems like a simple question. But this morning, I got to thinking about what it would take for me to eat poop.

Everyone's initial reaction is that I would do it for a million dollars, or whatever amount of money you want to throw out in order for you to take a taste of poo. But it would take a crazy person to offer money to watch somebody eat shit. And let's face it, this crazy person could find somebody to do it cheaper than you or I would. That means that you have to go to the trouble of finding something that separates you like wearing a diaper and a bonnet while eating poop. By the point you come up with your gimmick, you probably would be better just getting a normal job.

But then I got to thinking. I have my pre-workout supplements and my post-workout protein. Anytime I try a new product, I hate the taste of whatever I am trying. But, after a while, it grows on me, and by the time I am finished, I look forward to the taste and buy another container. The only thing that gets me to change is the price going up (so please don't raise your prices MusclePharm as I enjoy your wonderful products and would gladly have you sponsor this blog).

So, instead of money, let's say it had health benefits. I'm a healthy dude. I run, lift, and shoot hoops (poorly) every week. I'm also a competitive person. I trained MMA for six months despite never being in a fight in my life, just so I could walk around knowing that I would win most hypothetical fights (I'd still probably lose). Although I have never tried steroids, because they are illegal and expensive, I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about trying steroids. There are steroids out there that will help you build muscle mass without lifting a weight. That is something I could get on board with, if it were legal and cheap.

So, that brings us full circle to poop. Fresh poop has a really offensive smell, and I am guessing that leads to an offensive taste. But if you let it dry out, it is not nearly as offensive as smell, and theoretically, not nearly as bad of a taste either. If I could take a bite of poop and have the same effects of a perfectly safe steroid, I would at least consider it. I'm sure I could get used to the flavor after a while.

So if eating poop turned me into a ripped machine, I'd definitely consider it. I can't imagine how many chicks that I would be able to get if I was bigger and badder than ever. I could pretty much have any woman I wanted, with the one caveat that I'd have to find girls who don't mind a guy's breath smelling like shit...maybe I should rethink this plan.

I Have Lost My Sports Hate

I hate the St. Louis Cardinals. I say that, because it is something that, as a Cubs fan, I have believed in my entire life. But, being honest with myself, I really don't hate the Cardinals. I'm 28 years old, and at this point in my life, I have to be pretty selective with my sports hatred.

I no longer hate the Cardinals, I'm just tired of them. I just want them to go away. I don't really care about the Tigers, but I'm kind of semi-rooting for them on the rare occasions that I accidentally turn on baseball. The Cubs suck, and fantasy baseball is over, so I have no reason to give two shits about the baseball season.

This is only partially because I am a much bigger college sports fan than I am of professional sports. As a fan of Iowa, I don't care at all about baseball, because Big Ten baseball is as relevant as the Jamaican hockey team. Even with the teams that do matter, I can't quite build up hatred for their opponents.

Iowa basketball has been bad for a while, so it's not like they can really create a rivalry. I think I probably hate Illinois basketball the most, but it certainly doesn't keep me up at night.

Iowa football matters, but I've gotten past the rage at how things are run to just kind of laugh when things get horribly fucked up. I was actually a Ken O'Keefe supporter. He did a solid job. He was conservative, but Kirk wants to run a conservative gameplan. People really hated the guy, but almost everyone just complained about a play call after it failed instead of having a viable solution. I also don't hate Kirk, because ten wins every few years is pretty cool. Maybe he'll never make it to the Rose Bowl, maybe he'll make it this year. He's still a really good coach, and yes, I realize he is overpaid, but I can't blame him for that. As for football rivalries, it really irritates me when Iowa loses to Northwestern, but it is just Northwestern. Wisconsin would be a rivalry, but Iowa no longer plays them every year, and I have had some great times in Madison, so it is tough to build up too much hatred. Maybe I could hate Nebraska, but the rivalry started one year ago, so I'm going to need some time to build up hate for them.

And then there's Iowa Wrestling, but hating another team in wrestling would be a real asshole move considering my favorite team always finishes in the top-5 nationally. I would say that I hate the fan bases of places like Penn State for having an awesome wrestling team and not giving a shit about it.

So, that's where I'm at. I no longer have that blind hatred of sports teams. I used to hate teams like the Packers and Cardinals. Now I'd still rather see them lose than win, but I don't have that chlamydia feeling burning inside of me anymore. Now it's more like a zit on my ballsack. Yeah, it's annoying, but it's pretty easy to make it go away.

Ozzie Canseco's Twitter Account

I have written about Jose Canseco numerous times on this blog, and by numerous, it appears that he has been in 60 different posts. But Jose Canseco really seems to have things going well for him. He's been in some commercials, and he gets some mild publicity for his stunts like wearing a shirt apologizing to Mark McGwire at a Cardinals-Dodgers game a few weeks ago. As happy as I am for Jose, it makes him pretty boring, because he can't quite stir up the genuine sadness that made his Twitter account so entertaining.

Luckily, I have found my new muse in Jose's twin brother, Ozzie Canseco. Don't be fooled, as he is not the totally lame @OzzieCanseco twitter handle; his twitter handle is @TwinTower7264, and it's amazing. The only problem with his account is that I could literally break down every tweet, because they are all great in their own special way. Let's just start from the beginning and see where this takes us:

i am pound for pound the best power hitter in the world ,just ask bruce mead
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) February 28, 2011

Who the hell is Bruce Mead? I have no idea. This tweet is kind of like me saying, "I'm the most handsome boy in the whole wide world, just ask my Mom." But what's really important about this tweet is that it is one of the very few tweets that are not typed in ALL CAPS. What Ozzie has to say is important, so HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO YELL IT AT YOU.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO ANY SPORT THAT YOU CAN NAME ,I HAVE ALWAYS BED THE BETTER ATHLETE JUST NEVER GOT A REAL CHANCE
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 12, 2012

This is the beginning of him randomly challenging Jose to contests. I was going to say that this happens a surprising amount, but it happens all the time, which is exactly what you would expect from Ozzie Canseco. I especially love the second part where he claims to "bed" better athletes. Jose may have been knockin' boots with Madonna, but Ozzie was gettin' busy with Billie Jean King.

Advantage: Ozzie.

DON,T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO STEP IN A BOXING RINK WITH ME BRO IT WILL BE LIGHTS OUT FOR YOU.
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 12, 2012

You can tell that Ozzie has always wanted to be the best at something. That is why he created a boxing ring and covered it in ice to have a boxing rink. He may be bankrupt, but he is incredible at landing his jab on ice. That's a sound investment in my opinion.

AND FOR ALL YOU JEALOUS HATERS OUT THERE COME AND GET SOME FROM( IRON MAN) BUNCH OF COWARDS THAT LIKE TO HIDE BEHIND A COMPUTER SCREEN
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 12, 2012

YES YOU PUNKS YOU HEARD ME MY REAL NAME IS (IRON MAN) I AM A 48 YEAR OLD PEICE OF STEEL FORGED IN THE HOTTEST FIRE IMAGINABLE
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 12, 2012

Why is he Iron Man? Why is Iron Man in parentheses when he uses it. Why does he need the hottest fire imaginable when any fire hot enough to mold steel should be sufficient? These tweets bring so many questions, but sadly, I'm not sure if we'll ever have the answers.

I AM BY FAR THE BETTER LOOKINGAND WAY YOUNGER LOOKING TWIN WITH A MUCH HOTTER BODY THAN MY BROTHER,
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 14, 2012

HE HAS ALWAYS HAD A PROBLEM WITH THAT FACT.ALL OF HIS GIRL FRIENDS HAVE AT SOME POINT AND TIME HIT ON ME AND TRIED TO SLEEP WITH ME
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 14, 2012

STARTING WITH HIS FIRST GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL ANNA MC CARTER.
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 14, 2012

50% of Ozzie's tweets do involve talking shit to Jose. I guarantee that every Thanksgiving, their shit talk slowly escalates until they are nailing each other with Yo Momma jokes without understanding the irony of it all. Also, do you think Jose's girlfriend's name was Anna McCarter or Anna "MC" Carter. I bet she dropped the dopest beats.

HATERS CAM KISS MY ASS
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 22, 2012

I'm gonna be honest. I don't know exactly what Haters Cam is, but I think there's a million dollar idea in there somewhere. I call dibs on Copyright of Haters Cam (I'm like 35% sure that's how Copyrights work).

Unfortunately, Ozzie took quite a break from tweeting and only had like 15 tweets since March. Luckily, he came back this past weekend.

I AM 48 YEARS OLD NOW AND STRONGER THAN EVER !
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) October 6, 2012

Yes, you are (IRON MAN).

Finally, I checked out the website that he was promoting on his Twitter account, www.futurestarsbaseball.info.

The website expiring on September 17 is the most Ozzie Canseco thing ever. Whoops, what I meant to say is that it is the most (IRON MAN) thing ever. Keep on keepin' on, (IRON MAN).