Why I Still Believe In The Bulls - Part Two

I still believe the Bulls can beat the Heat in their series. I know I am in the minority with that opinion, but I honestly believe it can happen. Is it likely? No, I honestly do not think it is likely. As I said before this series started, these are two evenly matched teams, and either team can win on any given night. The Bulls went into Game Four, needing to win their remaining home games and win one game in Miami to win the series. After losing Game Four, the Bulls need to win their remaining home games and win one game in Miami. That hasn't changed.

Since these teams are evenly matched, each game is a coin flip. It landed on heads the first game, and then it landed on tails the next three games. If it lands on heads in game five, that doesn't mean it is less likely for it to land on heads in game six, and then game seven. And if the Bulls win Game Five, it puts a TON of pressure on the Heat in Game Six, because they do not want to go back to Chicago to win the series in a do-or-die Game Seven.

That's all well and good, but I can't ignore the fact that the Bulls have lost three in a row. If they keep playing like they have been playing, it will take a miracle for them to win three in a row. Luckily, there are many areas that, not only the Bulls can improve, but that the Bulls should improve on for the rest of this series.

The Bulls will stop playing so sloppy. Their turnovers aren't caused by overwhelming defense, they are caused by sloppy play and laziness. Sometimes the Bulls get lackadaisical on offense and either make a lazy pass or forget that, yes, the NBA has instituted a shot clock, so you do eventually have to throw the ball at the hoop.

Eventually the Bulls will start hitting shots. They aren't the worst shooting team in the history of the NBA, so I believe that their shots will actually start going in the basket. The Heat have played good defense, but not great defense. 

They have a song out that should propel them to greater heights. Wait, have you not heard "Hey Bulls" yet? If not, you are in for a treat. Actually, even if you have heard it, you're still in for a treat as this is simply a great song (and an even better video).

I'm not ashamed to admit that I have probably watched this video a dozen times. The most difficult part of watching this video is picking out my favorite part of it. The song is amazing. There is a random guy off to the side painting the Bulls logo. There are old ladies rocking out while wearing tie-dyed clothes. There is some random dude wearing a fake beard and Mario gloves. And let's not forget the guy dressed like a shriner with a wolf mask on. But this guy really steals the show.

An old guy with a goofy hat, tie-dyed shirt, and red tank top. He also gets bonus points over the ladies because he is still able to stand. And he takes full advantage of that by dancing around during the song. But he cements his status as star of the video, because of his batoning abilities. That's right, a male batonist.

Justice - The Heat chant "MVP" for half of their team. Joel Anthony. Really? You believe him to be the MVP? Heat fans are such douchebags, and I believe God (in this case, David Stern) works in mysterious ways. Yes, LeBron has been allowed 15 steps during the playoffs so far, but that is only to build him up to have it all come crashing down. And really, there couldn't be a better storyline than LeBron's team cruising to a 3-1 lead only to choke this series away. David Stern, er, God, you are one magnificent bastard.

My pick: Bulls in seven. Suck my balls, Heat fans.

-Joe

P.S. If all of those reasons aren't enough, don't forget that Luol Deng has a heart of gold.

Why I Still Believe In The Bulls - Part One

This was going to be a single post, but it started to get long. Since I realize that my readers have a maximum attention span of about five minutes of words, I decided to split this into two parts. For the first part, I want to simply provide a list of the Bulls best performers and a lineup to utilize what has actually been working so far in this series. Here is a list of who have been the best performers from bottom to top:

13. Rasual Butler - I have no allegiance to him, but he has minutes so he needs to be listed.

12. Brian Scalabrine - A sharp dressed man who is excellent with the high-five.

11. Kurt Thomas - Veteran leadership slightly more valuable than Scalabrine's suit/cheering combo.

10. Kyle Korver - I hate to do this, but if he can't hit shots, all he does is turn the ball over and play defense like this:

9. C.J. Watson - Finally put some offense together last night, but he couldn't track Mike Miller, which ended up being a big reason the game went into overtime.

8. Omer Asik - He could have been higher, but the injury has kind of cost him. I love Asik and believe it will be a beautiful name for a baby girl.

7. Taj Gibson - You may think this is way too low, because of his defensive versatility and solid offense complimented by spectacular dunks in game one. But he talked shit to Chris Bosh in Game Three and Bosh proceeded to light the Bulls up. When you get owned by Bosh, you are going to drop in my rankings.

6. Joakim Noah - He played really well last night in Game 4, but the pick and roll with him and Rose has been the most awful offensive play in this series, and I'm certainly not going to blame the MVP for that.

5. Keith Bogans - Yep, the guy who every Bulls fan has ripped all season long should probably be getting more minutes in this series. He has done what the Bulls need him to do. He plays good, not great defense (but if he gets beat, he's quick to realize it and foul before somebody gets an easy bucket) and can hit a decent amount of three pointers when he gets the open look. I have been screaming MVBOGANS every time he does something good, and I think it's 100% accurate. He is the most valuable Bogans. I googled Bogans to see if anybody could compete with him, and found this definition for Bogan on Wikipedia:

The term bogan depicts people of retarded appearance. A bogan is somebody who will scratch his arse all day and then sniff his fingers and get a stiffy. bogans usually bewed fat lasses (Ugly bitches that like munga).

I don't know what half that shit means, but I'm pretty sure that Bogan has the most hilarious page in Wikipedia history. With that being said, I fucking dare somebody to tell Keith that he looks retarded and bangs fat lasses. He will murder you, and hang your body on a flag pole in his front yard. There is no scarier person on the Bulls.

4. Carlos Boozer - He has played very well the last couple games, but he needs to be putting up at least 20 points, because nothing is expected of him on defense. He's guarding Joel Anthony. If Korver didn't get terrified every time the guy he was guarding had the ball, I'd believe in Korver shutting down Anthony all game long.

3. Ronnie Brewer - He's been the Bulls best defender this series. That's slightly unfair to our number two guy on the list, since he only plays half the minutes, but there is nobody I have more confidence in to shut down an opposing player in this series. And he hit a three last night. That was awesome.

2. Luol Deng - Has been tough on LeBron all series long and has provided solid offense for the Bulls. Bulls fans really can't expect much more than this from him.

1. Derrick Rose - He has been poor by Derrick Rose standards, but the Heat are completely focused on stopping him. Even if he hasn't been all that good, he's still the MVP.

A writer on ESPN (I believe it was John Hollinger, but I'm not positive) suggested that the Bulls should experiment with a small lineup against the Heat. He suggested playing Korver at the two, but I think Bogans makes more sense. The Bulls can match up Rose on whatever piece of shit player the Heat have out there, Bogans on Wade, Brewer on LeBron, Deng on Bosh (who rarely posts up), and Boozer on Anthony/Haslem. The defense would be good, and they could spread the floor more so Rose has more outlet options if the Heat collapse on him when he drives.

This is the lineup that can cool off the Heat. MVBogans 4 Life.

-Joe

P.S. This is probably the greatest jet ski race in the history of the combustible engine. After watching this, I really feel like Hollywood missed the boat by not giving Macho Man more acting roles.

The Day The Madness Died

By now, I'm sure you have heard the tragic news that Macho Man Randy Savage has passed away after having a heart attack that led to a fatal car accident. Although this is tragic news, nobody can say it is all that surprising as wrestlers die early at an incredibly alarming rate.

Back in the old WWE (then the WWF), wrestlers led a life of excess that they simply can't get away with these days. Kevin Nash once said, “The thing that always kills me is people say wrestlers party like rock stars. I’m thinking, I’ve partied with rock stars. Rock stars don’t party anywhere near what wrestlers do. The quote should be that rock stars party like wrestlers…We partied like wrestlers and that was pretty much the pinnacle.” And that really was the life that wrestlers led. Cocaine, steroids, you name it, they almost definitely tried it and probably took it in excess.

But that's not the only reason that it's sad that Macho Man came through the business when he did. A lot of times people will talk about athletes who could have done much bigger and better things had they come along in a different era. The tweener in basketball, the undersized lineman in football, or the speedy slap hitter in baseball could have all had much larger impacts had they come around twenty years earlier, but it's a different game that they just didn't fit in. The interesting thing about Macho Man is he actually would have made a much bigger impact had he come around twenty years later.

This isn't to say he wasn't great, he most definitely was, but he could have been greater. His peak in the WWE came at a time where bigger was better, and he simply couldn't match the sheer girth of the WWE's biggest attractions. It was a time of unstoppable forces, from Andre the Giant, to Hulk Hogan, to Ultimate Warrior, it was a time of mediocre performers but who had an aura that made them seem larger than life.

Meanwhile, Macho Man was an incredible worker with great charisma, but never had the size to seem unstoppable. He won the title at WrestleMania IV in a 16-Man Tournament mostly because he was one of the few guys who could put on four good matches in a single night. His match at WrestleMania III against Ricky Steamboat is still considered one of the greatest matches of all time. His second title win came at WrestleMania VIII, but it was in the middle of the card, so Hulk Hogan could headline against Sid Justice.

But as great as he was, I keep thinking that he could have been greater. When I look at champions like Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho, it's hard to believe he wouldn't have been competing for the WWE Title for ten straight years had he just come along a little bit later.

But unlike most professional wrestlers, Macho Man didn't try to hang on to catch one last bit of glory. He was done as a full-time wrestler in 1999. He made a brief comeback in 2004, but had a disagreement with TNA and left after only a couple months. After that, he disappeared. No website, no Facebook, no Twitter; it was a big deal if you merely saw an updated picture of Macho Man on the Internet.

The only time he was really in the news these past seven years was when he remarried last year. The world saw some wedding photos and he fell back into his life of seclusion.

Almost all wrestlers hold onto the business for two reasons: The spotlight or the money. Macho Man didn't need either, and there's something very refreshing about that (especially as wrestling fans watch legends like Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair waste away on TNA Impact Wrestling each week). But as a wrestling fan, it's hard to not imagine a world where Macho Man came along 10-15 years later, because as great as he was, he could have been even greater.

-Joe

P.S. I didn't have a good space to talk about Macho Man's rapping career, but you can bet your ass that I still listen to those songs and have the best songs on repeat today in honor of him. Although, most are going to link to Perfect Friend, but I'd much rather listen to Macho Thang.

P.P.S. Yes, I do still have a talking Macho Man action figure hanging out on my dresser, and I'm proud of it.

Why Poker Is Less of a Sport Than Scrabble

I went for a run this morning, and luckily, instead of my mind focusing on the pain of running, it wandered off to far and distant lands. I could delve deeper into those thoughts, but I honestly don't think anybody wants that.

Unless a person is a complete moron, everybody should be on the same page that poker is clearly not a sport. A sport takes some sort of physical strain, and even Christopher Reeve considers poker to be a light workout (he's a paraplegic and dead).

Now, I will admit that I am in no way a poker player. I have played before, but I find the game to be incredibly boring, because the game of poker is incredibly boring. I would rather pull out individual hairs from my legs than play poker, because at least then I'd be doing something.

But I don't want to dwell on how boring it is; I want to talk about the lack of skill involved in the game. I think about other competitions that are not sports like chess, scrabble, and hot dog eating, and I realize that you could give me a million shots to beat a world class player, and I would always lose. Meanwhile, if you matched me up one-on-one against the best poker player in the world, there is no way that I can't win at least 5% of the time, and I'm guessing I'd win closer to 20%.

At first glance, this may seem ridiculous, but it's 100% true. If I went all-in every single time, eventually he would have to call, and since I wouldn't give the game any respect, I would refrain from ever looking at my cards. Even if he had a great hand, and my hand was awful, I would still end up winning at least a few of those.

So the next time somebody invites you over to play poker, tell them that it's a loser's game that involves limited skill. Tell them to bust out the Scrabble board instead. It may not be a sport, but at least there's a definitive level of skill involved.

-Joe

P.S. Speaking of games, the new additions to Franchise mode on Madden look pretty awesome. I highly recommend checking out all the new features.

P.P.S. There's so much that I love about this video. I obviously love the content. But I also love that they posted it. The thing I love the most is that whoever is holding the camera is far more concerned about getting a good shot than anyone's well-being.

Bulls vs. Heat: Who's Gonna Win?

The Eastern Conference Finals are set as it will be the top two seeds when the Chicago Bulls take on the Miami Heat. I have made no attempts to hide my love for the Bulls, but today's post will not be a Bulls lovefest, but instead, a look at both teams to figure out who will actually win this series.

I realize the Bulls have struggled with the Pacers and Hawks. Did they play like shit against the Pacers? Yes, for the first four games of that series they did. But the Pacers also played some of their best basketball during that series. Meanwhile, nobody wants to give the Hawks any respect, but they're REALLY talented. Horford, Smith, Johnson, Crawford, and even Jeff Teague is a lineup that can be terrifying. This team is the posterchild for middling team that has the potential to beat anybody on any given night. They dominated the Magic more often than not and took two from the Bulls. To say this team isn't extremely talented is ludicrous.

Now let's look at what the Heat have done. Can anybody explain to me when the Heat have looked good in these playoffs? Everybody is talking about how impressive they have looked, but what has been so impressive about these guys? Their supposed impressive play has led to them playing one fewer game than the Bulls who have apparently played like shit. And to call their competition definitively better is kind of ridiculous.

First off, the 76ers suck. They do a good job of playing as a team, but they just don't have that much talent. I don't think anybody is arguing about this.

Next, the Celtics haven't looked good for a while. It's not the Kendrick Perkins trade, it's the fact that they're worn down. They did fine without him early in the season, but this team just didn't have it by the end of the year. People will point to the fact that they swept the Knicks. Well, first off, the Knicks suck, and the Celtics were still taken down to the wire at home against them. Then Amare got hurt and they were able to stomp Melo and scrubs. This is not an impressive feat.

During the final week of the season, the Celtics got blown out by the Bulls and the Heat. I have never seen someone raped on a basketball court before Derrick Rose did it to Rajon Rondo in that game. Rondo would never go to the police about it; he was far too ashamed. He was so petrified of Rose that he dislocated his elbow to prevent Rose from doing it again.

If Rondo is healthy, they probably win Game 4, and then we are very likely looing at a seven-game series. The Heat took care of business, but they have had a fortuitous schedule so far.

This series is going to be close. If you say the Bulls are going to blow away the Heat, or the Heat are going to blow away the Bulls, you're a moron. Even if one of these teams ends up sweeping the other team, you'd still be a moron. Claiming that one team has a superior advantage over the other is asinine, because that great advantage simply doesn't exist.

Do the Heat have more talent than the Bulls? Yes, without a doubt, the Heat have more talent. Just having LeBron makes that a near certainty when matching up talent against anybody. LeBron has more talent than Jordan in his prime. Now don't get me wrong, Jordan was light years better than LeBron will probably ever be, but there's no shame for LeBron in not being the best.

And that's what this comes down to, the Heat are more talented, but can the Bulls be better? They're a better coached team, and it's really a bad matchup for the Heat. Deng is criminally underrated on defense, so LeBron is going to have to work for every basket he gets. Bogans and Brewer can harass Wade all game long. When they want to swtich to Korver, Rose can keep up with Wade for short stretches, while Korver guards whatever shit they are putting out there at point guard. Noah will be in Bosh's face all game long. And Boozer started turning a corner during Game 4 of the Hawks series so he should decimate whatever piece of shit they put out there. Oh yeah, and who's gonna guard Rose?

On the other hand, LeBron and Wade can produce no matter who is defending them. Chris Bosh could be harassed by the Bulls big men for every second that he is out there and still put up a double-double for the Heat. One or more of their outside shooters could get hot and nail their open looks. If that happens, the Heat are practically unbeatable.

So who's gonna win? I have no clue, and anybody who says they do is a jackass. I do know one thing though. Cheering for the Heat during these playoffs is like cheering for the Nazis during the Holocaust. Maybe you'll be on the winning side, but I hope to God you don't feel good about it.

Go Bulls.

-Joe

P.S. My birthday is just a few months away, so if anybody is looking for gift ideas, this yacht would be a nice start.

Something Borrowed Wasted Two Hours Of My Life

Something Borrowed is an atrocity. I knew it would be an atrocity. I jokingly talked about seeing this movie, and my brother called my bluff and said he would pay for my ticket. Apparently, I should have taken him up on that offer since I ended up seeing it anyway.

So how did I get suckered into seeing a movie that I knew would make me want to bang my head into a wall? Well, I had the following exchange with my lady friend.
LF: There's a movie I want you to take me to.
Me: Okay, that's reasonable. Before you tell me that movie, can I pick one movie that we never see together?
LF: No.
Me: Please?
LF: No.
Me: Fine, what's the movie?
LF: Something Borrowed.
Me: God damnit.

Of all the movies she could have picked, she picked that one. At least it wasn't Transformers 3.

I honestly don't know how this movie got made. I mean, I look back at this movie, and I am fucking baffled that this shit got the green light for production. This is a romantic comedy that has absolutely none of the latter. I never smirked through this entire film. If you just looked at me throughout the movie, you would assume I was trying to hold still so a bear did not eat me. But what about the romance, you ask? Well, if treating your friends like shit so you can get laid counts as romance, yes, I guess there was a shit-ton of romance. 

The viewer literally learns nothing about these characters outside of who they like and their occupation. The characters didn't anger me as much as I simply didn't care about any of them. Had they died a fiery death, I would have been fine with that, had they found their version of happiness, I couldn't give two shits about that either. I didn't hate them; I really just wanted them to go away.

As bad as this script was, the acting did its best to match. The main girl in the film went to her constipation face anytime something serious was happening. I hope that she takes SuperPump 250 (Also known as SuperDump) to get her in the zone.

The rest of the acting was bad, but not noteworthy. And that's the best way to sum up this movie. It's bad, but it's so inconsequential that it's hardly noteworthy. It's not as bad as Transformers, The Dukes of Hazzard, or Valentine's Day, but at least those movies were bad enough to be remembered. The most positive thing to say about this movie is that it will fade away without anybody really remembering it at all. It's as consequential as a speck of dust on a coffee table, except that dust particle wouldn't waste two hours of your life.

-Joe

P.S. The worst part about this movie is that I missed Zack Ryder fist pumping the shit out of RAW.

Now I'll never be Broski of the Week.

P.P.S. Here's audio of Tyler Hansborough reading Chicken Little. You're welcome.

A Book You Should Read: Chris Jericho's Undisputed

I just wanted to put up a quick post to recommend a book that I recently finished, Undisputed, by Chris Jericho. This is the follow up to his highly enjoyable first book, A Lion's Tale.

Jericho is a guy who has reached incredible heights in the world of professional wrestling while also having a very respectable career as the lead singer of his heavy metal band, Fozzy. The reason his books work so well is that despite all of his success, he comes across as a very genuine person who the reader can easily relate to.

The book takes you from his debut in the WWE up through the death of his close friend, Chris Benoit with tons of entertaining stories thrown in throughout the book.

Things that will appeal to readers of this blog in the book include Jericho's stories about Ronnie James Dio, Andrew Dice Clay, smashing glasses at the bar, Steel Panther, Mr. Belding following around the WWE, and a description of something that would definitely be considered West Coast Dance.

On top of all of that, I found out that the Ultimate Warrior does not eat desserts. Instead, he will get a cookie, smash it into a thousand pieces and put his face next to it so he can inhale the smell. He believes that he gets the same effect, but with none of the calories. That is the most meatheaded thing I have ever heard, and I am incredibly happy that it came from the Ultimate Warrior.

Another awesome story involves Alfonso Ribeiro, aka Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He and Jericho had this exchange before going on stage for Celebrity Duets:

Carlton: You like sex?

Jericho: Um, I guess.

Carlton: Yeah, me too. Mmmmm…I musta banged over a thousand chicks.

Let's face it, Carlton banging 1000 chicks is indisputable evidence that ladies love West Coast Dance.

So check out Undisputed, and if you haven't read A Lion's Tale yet, check that out too. They're easy reads and highly entertaining from beginning to end.

-Joe

P.S.Since West Coast Dance was brought up, here is a fantastic video of Norman Smiley making the West Coast Dance crew proud.