WWE Is Ruining... Buddy Murphy

We’re all on the same page on this one. Buddy Murphy OWNS. Right? Like, that dude is just great. He has been putting on phenomenal matches that nobody sees on 205 Live, and then got called up to the main roster and once he accidentally got in a feud with Roman Reigns, started putting on phenomenal matches on Smackdown.

He never actually wins these matches, so this is where I would like to see WWE possibly do something different creatively. How about instead of Buddy Murphy losing, he wins instead? They gave him a win over Daniel Bryan which was incredible but then had him lose that momentum immediately by losing to Ali in the King of the Ring. Now, Ali is great too, but a situation fell into their lap where Murphy could have been rocketed towards the upper tier, and they let that situation completely peter out.

He’s had three great matches in a row on SmackDown between Reigns, Bryan, and Ali, so keep putting him in against strong Smackdown wrestlers and let the man go wild. That's the logical step, right? Instead, he has completely disappeared in a classic WWE move that kills all momentum, and yet, they wonder, how come they cannot create new stars?

Anyway, it's a huge week for wrestling with SmackDown debuting on Fox, so I am absolutely positive that they will not find a reason to put Buddy on television, but they should. He's the kind of wrestler that you put on television and casual fans who think that wrestling is stupid can say, "Oh, that guy does some cool stuff. I like him." Instead, they'll feature a newer, more athletic version of professional wrestling by wheeling out Hulk Hogan to give a ten-minute promo where he only actually says about 20 words. I'm a lifelong Hulkamaniac, but giving Buddy Murphy and Chad Gable or Ali or Apollo Crews or Sami Zayn OR OR OR, because they do have a stupid amount of talent, ten minutes of television time would be a way better use of keeping consumers coming back.

In conclusion, Buddy Murphy owns. Please put him on television.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Akam
Ali
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Big Show
Bo Dallas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Braun Strowman
Brock Lesnar
Carmella
Cesaro
Chad Gable

Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Curtis Axel

Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Drew McIntyre

Elias

Ember Moon
Epico

Finn Balor

Goldust
Gran Metalik

Jey Uso
Jimmy Uso
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson

Kevin Owens
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Konnor

Lio Rush

Luke Gallows
Matt Hardy

Mickie James
Miz

Mojo Rawley

Natalya
Nia Jax

No Way Jose
Peyton Royce
Primo

Randy Orton

Rezar

Ronda Rousey

Ruby Riott

Rusev
Sarah Logan

Scott Dawson
Shane McMahon
Sheamus

Shinsuke Nakamura
Tamina

Tyler Breeze

Viktor

Zack Ryder

WWE Is Ruining... Cesaro

It finally happened. I have been using a randomizing system to find out who I would write about WWE ruining, and it finally happened. It landed on the wrestler that WWE has underutilized more than any other. A man who used to be known as Antonio, but is now simply Cesaro, possibly the greatest professional wrestler in the world.

Let’s pause for a moment, because I really want to reiterate that. Are we absolutely sure that Cesaro isn’t the best professional wrestler in the world? Like, what wrestler out there can really do more than Cesaro? His strength is other-worldly, and the guy has the ability to do fast-paced matches with ridiculous spots. He doesn’t do much high flying, but when you’re freakishly strong like that, you really don’t have to. Best pro wrestler in the world is about as subjective as it gets, but can anybody look at what Cesaro does in the ring and not have him in their top ten talents?

And yet, with 7 years on the WWE main roster, what do we have to show for it? He has six tag title runs, but five of those came in the last two years as him and Sheamus had completely unforgettable title runs as they never lasted to become anything meaningful. His only singles title was a US Title run which happened in August of 2012, just a few months after his debut. Since then, not one singles’ title run has happened. The incompetence to let something like that happen is truly incredible.

Now, there is one flaw with Cesaro, and it is one that is a deal breaker for the WWE. Cesaro is *gasp* foreign. You know, as in not from the United States. Now, if you’re Canadian, you can overcome this. Even England and Ireland are acceptable as English is at least their first language which is very similar to the American we speak here in the United States. Unfortunately, Cesaro is from Switzerland. Now, as simple Americans, you probably believe that they speak Swiss, but that’s not a language bozo. German is the most popular language, followed by French and Italian. Notably missing is American or English. Hence, he can never truly be a superstar, because even though he speaks fluid English, he has an accent while he does it which is just too much for the WWE Universe to handle.

WWE’s obsession with in-ring promos is another thing that hurts Cesaro. Asking Cesaro to do a big in-ring promo like John Cena is about the worst thing you can do. Cesaro, like Dolph Ziggler, likes to use subtlety and wit in his promos, so it doesn’t exactly work when you have to yell it in the middle of a ring in front of 10,000 people. Letting the guy do backstage work where he has shown plenty of personality would be hugely beneficial in making him a star.

There have been many different glimmers of hope that Cesaro would finally get the push he deserved, but they all died out before it could lead to anything meaningful. Right now, he is basically treated as a jobber. He’s had 107 matches this year, and he’s won 18 of those. Outside of Zack Ryder, No Way Jose, and a trip across the pond to take on Ilja Dragunov, even the wins he’s had over guys have been greatly outnumbered by the times he lost to that same wrestler. He’s not even a jobber to the stars; he’s a jobber to the midcard talent at this point. I’m not sure whether to classify this as a joke or a disgrace.

How to fix things? Easy peasy. Have Brock Lesnar destroy Kofi Kingston and win the World Title on the first Smackdown. Then, have Cesaro calmly walk out and snatch the belt from Lesnar. Lesnar goes to punch Cesaro, and Cesaro casually catches and stops Lesnar’s punch. Lesnar snatches the belt back but with a look of disbelief. Then have Lesnar and Cesaro do really cool strong shit to each other, put the title on Cesaro, and then have him start a feud with Sami Zayn, because I might as well go all out on this whole damn thing.

Cesaro is awesome. I really hope the WWE realizes that one day.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Akam
Ali
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Big Show
Bo Dallas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Braun Strowman
Brock Lesnar
Carmella
Chad Gable

Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Curtis Axel

Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Drew McIntyre

Elias

Ember Moon
Epico

Finn Balor

Goldust
Gran Metalik

Jey Uso
Jimmy Uso
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson

Kevin Owens
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Konnor

Lio Rush

Luke Gallows
Matt Hardy

Mickie James
Miz

Mojo Rawley

Natalya
Nia Jax

No Way Jose
Peyton Royce
Primo

Randy Orton

Rezar

Ronda Rousey

Ruby Riott

Rusev
Sarah Logan

Scott Dawson
Shane McMahon
Sheamus

Shinsuke Nakamura
Tamina

Tyler Breeze

Viktor

Zack Ryder

The WWE Is Ruining... Natalya

Natalya is a WWE wrestler, but man is she just not my cup of tea. I barely pay attention to most of the filler that WWE puts out there on a weekly basis, but Natalya is bad enough for me to leave the room and grab a snack. I am a very lazy person, so this may be the greatest burn I can give to a performer.

I honestly don't know what Natalya does well outside of "blonde hair," because WWE loves blondes. She's been doing the sharpshooter for a decade at least, and it still only looks right about 50% of the time. And that still makes her look like Female Kenny Omega compared to when you watch her do a spinning lariat which is so slow I have actually been able to take a bathroom break as she starts the spin and get back before she actually makes contact with her opponent. And my bathroom break was brown, not yellow (it came out of my butt; it's not that I'm extremely unhealthy).

So how do you stop WWE from ruining Natalya? It may seem unlikely that such an avid Natalya hater could have a solution for how to save her career in the WWE, but that is why I am a wrestling genius. End Natalya's wrestling career and make her a manager. But not just any manager, a behind the scenes manager. It doesn't matter who you pair her up with, but the wrestler will reference how Natalya has been helping her career. Natalya won't be on screen for this, but we'll know. She also won't accompany them to the ring for matches, because she will have them so well prepared that she won't need to. You will never see her, never hear her, and never even go so far as to sense her presence. I think she could thrive in this career change for the next 50, NAY, 100 years. It's really a no brainer move as it prolongs her career, and she avoids her big weaknesses as she doesn't have to be audible or visible.

Yes, I have saved WWE from ruining Natalya. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Big Show
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Carmella
Chad Gable

Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Curtis Axel

Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Epico

Goldust
Jey Uso
Jimmy Uso
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Primo

Randy Orton

Rusev
Scott Dawson
Shane McMahon
Shinsuke Nakamura
Tyler Breeze

Zack Ryder 

The WWE Is Ruining... Killian Dain

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, we tackle the big man from Belfast, Killian Dain.

Since getting called up in June with the rest of Sanity, the most memorable thing that they have done is not have Nikki Cross there with them. I remember seeing them, asking, "Where's Nikki?" and never remembering anything they have done again. This may shock you, but I'm not sure if the WWE had an actual plan when they called the group up to the main roster.

In six months, Dain has been involved in seven matches, winning two of them, although they were both on the preshows of pay per views. Once, he teamed with Alexander Wolfe and Eric Young to beat New Day in a tables match before Extreme Rules. And secondly, he teamed with nearly every tag team from Smackdown to defeat ten jobbers from Raw.

It's pretty clear that WWE's plan for Killian Dain has been...(crickets), so it shouldn't be too hard to come up with improvement as long as I can come up with something.

The first thing I would do is get him away from tag matches and make him the clear stud of Sanity. Eric Young remains the leader, but treat Dain as the hoss that he is and let Young and Wolfe take care of the tag matches. Meanwhile, let Dain start putting on fun singles matches. The great thing about him is that he's not just big, but the guy can go. I actually think that he would be good in the spot that Andrade Almas is currently in. Facing off against top talent, having entertaining matches, but not quite having what it takes to come out on top. I know it's tough to break into the WWE Senior Division, but putting him up against Jeff Hardy and Rey Mysterio could both be awesome feuds for both sides where you can just sit back, relax, and actually be entertained by the WWE product.

Anytime you have a guy with size, it's fine for them to not win a belt, because their presence makes them important. My big solution isn't really all that big; it's basically let the big guy who is good at wrestling have wrestling matches, but in this case, it's quantum physics compared to the plan the WWE has come up with so far.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Shinsuke Nakamura
Tyler Breeze

The WWE Is Ruining... Shinsuke Nakamura

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today is one that despite coming from a far away land, is near and dear to my heart, Shinsuke Nakamura.

Let's just start off with this. Shinsuke Nakamura is one of the greatest pro wrestlers in history. His in ring charisma rivals Hulk Hogan, and he has had a plethora of incredibly entertaining matches throughout his career. That being said, Nakamura is now 38 years old, and he probably has lost a step since his wrestling prime. He's shown that he can be great, but he''s not rivaling Kenny Omega for the title of best wrestler in the world.

Although part of the issue is age, part of the issue is that the WWE style doesn't totally fit into what Nakamura does so well. A big part of his style in Japan was mat-based MMA style offense, which makes sense since Nakamura did have pro MMA fights before fully transitioning into pro wrestling. WWE has always stayed away from this style, but making Nakamura's matches seem more like fights instead of wrestling matches would probably help him captivate an audience with his in-ring work.

Although Nakamura has held the NXT Title, the US Title, and fought for the WWE Title, it has been filled with a lot of forgettable dreck. Although he has had good matches with AJ Styles and most recently, Seth Rollins, they aren't going to be remembered. In fact, if you asked me which Styles match was good, I could only respond with, "Uh, I know one of them was." He's managed to have one great match in his entire WWE run, and that was his very first match in NXT with Sami Zayn. If you are just a WWE fan, you know him more for low blows than great matches.

Still, Nakamura's greatest trait is his natural charisma. When he makes an entrance, it is an event in itself. He shows more personality without saying a word than anybody in WWE history. Which is good, because most WWE crowds are, how should I put this? We'll go with mildly racist, and mildly may be giving them too much credit. If you talk with an accent, they are going to yell "what" at you instead of listening to the interesting things you are saying. Although I think he has had some good promos, memorably being selective on when he understands English, and a really good recent promo where he talked about how his feelings were hurt that Seth Rollins only wanted to talk about Dean Ambrose, his promos are not built for the WWE. Foreigners have to be goofballs for fans to want to listen to them, and PLEASE GOD, do not make Nakamura a goofball.

Instead what the WWE needs to do is let the world know that he is better than anyone else in the WWE. I know that's extreme, but his matches should not be a battle of wills, but instead having his opponents go in as raging bulls with Nakamura as the matador, always a step ahead. Have him make things look easy, only letting his opponent get the upper hand when his arrogance leads to complacency in the ring. Just off the top of my head, you could put on an amazing feud with heel Daniel Bryan who gets more and more frustrated with Nakamura and uses nefarious means to even the odds, another match with Sami Zayn where Zayn just refuses to quit despite clearly being outgunned, and having a believable scenario where Nakamura picks apart Brock Lesnar as Lesnar has to find a way to get his hands on Shinsuke.

My wife only watches wrestling when we go to live shows. We have been lucky enough to see some incredible talent down in Florida between NXT and a variety of independent shows. Through all of the talent we have seen, Shinsuke Nakamura stands above everyone else as her favorite wrestler, because the dude has a PRESENCE. He is a transcendent talent, and the WWE needs to be doing more to capitalize on that. Just let the man be special, and everything else will take care of itself.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

The WWE Is Ruining... Andrade "Cien" Almas

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, I want to talk about a personal favorite of mine, Andrade "Cien" Almas.

Almas made his name in his home country of Mexico, wrestling for CMLL while having a few stints in NJPW under the name and mask of La Sombra. In fact, La Sombra was a part of Los Ingobernales before there was ever such thing as a Los Ingobernales de Japon. Anyway, it turned out that he was not wearing a mask due to La Parka disease and is actually a handsome devil who was signed by the WWE and originally wrestled under his own name of Manny Andrade at the beginning of 2016.

On February 26 of that year, I saw the best match I have ever seen at an NXT house show when Sami Zayn and Andrade. Usually those matches are pretty bland, but those two decided to go out in the middle of the show and put on an absolute clinic. This was what started my Andrade fandom. A hilarious note about this show is that The Vaudevillains dominated two jobbers in Patrick Clark and Kenneth Crawford, aka Velveteen Dream and Montez Ford, the two guys who may have the highest ceilings of anyone in NXT.

Luckily, after about six months, his name was changed to Andrade "Cien" Almas since Manny Andrade is the most Mexican jobber name of all time. Shortly after that, he made his TV debut, beating Noah Ponjes, now known as "The Finest" Kona Reeves. He was up and down after that, getting built up only to lose big matches and then go spiraling back down the card. He wore suspenders and a stupid hat, but he was supposed to be a babyface, and it just didn't work.

Finally, instead of winning, he started losing. But instead of being disappointed about losing, he just didn't care and would just party with chicks after losing matches. Finally, Zelina Vega became his manager to set him straight, and he eventually won the NXT Championship at NXT Takeover in November of 2017.

Let me also remind you what his title reign was known for, and that is for retiring Johnny Gargano from NXT. Yo, Johnny Gargano is still cruising around NXT, and had he been retired, he never would have been able to attack Aleister Black, and Candice LeRae could have been Candice FREAKING LeRae instead of Mrs. Gargano. Although Aleister Black would end his title reign WrestleMania weekend, Almas was ready to debut on Smackdown shortly after that.

When he got to Smackdown, he did what any future superstar would do, and that's start a feud with Sin Cara. But after that, he's actually wrestled the best in the WWE with matches against AJ Styles, Daniel Bryan, and Rey Mysterio. He hasn't won any of them, but at least they're letting him wrestle really good wrestlers.

Honestly, it's too early to tell whether the WWE is ruining Andrade Almas. His NXT Title run was after a losing streak to some pretty unimpressive names. At least he's now losing to important names. If they just use him to have good matches with their top names, they are missing the boat, because even without fluent English, he has a star quality to him. I will say that Zelina Vega is incredibly important as a mouthpiece to help him get over early on, but even dumbass WWE fans should be able to see that this guy is the shit.

So what should the WWE do to help Almas fulfill his potential? I would say the biggest thing is don't do it half-assed. Even if Almas only gets wins over low-level talent for a while and loses to the big names, that's totally fine. But eventually, you have to give him that big surprise win over AJ Styles or Daniel Bryan, and then you need to be ready to put the rocket on him and just have him start whooping ass, finding ways to shock people for victories. I see no reason the guy can't be a World Champion, and he actually has the in-ring talent to put on memorable main event matches.

Oh, and if you could put him in a long-term feud with Sami Zayn, I certainly wouldn't be mad about it.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Kane
Karl Anderson
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

The WWE Is Ruining... Nia Jax

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, we focus on how the WWE is ruining...Nia Jax. After the Bobby Lashley surprise last week, this one should be a breeze.

When Nia Jax walks into a room, the room stops to acknowledge her presence. Maybe, just maybe, the WWE could use someone with that sort of physical presence in their women's division. In fact, the WWE did recognize this and had her win the women's title from Alexa Bliss. Since Bliss is the ultimate heel, they made Jax a babyface. That is not ideal for the character whose size means the odds are always stacked in her favor, but at least they were utilizing the fact that they had a rare talent.

But alas it was not meant to be. There was good news and bad news for Nia. The good news is that WWE realized that someone with her physical presence should probably be a heel. The bad news was that they didn't want to do any work to make her a heel, so she just did a 180 in her personality, and instead of fighting against bullying, she was now the one bullying. Oh, and to make matters worse, she was bullying Ronda Rousey, who is basically the intimidating presence in the ring that Jax never got the chance to fulfill.

It doesn't help that she never totally seemed comfortable in a character. She showed flashes as a destructive heel, especially in NXT, but she never quite put everything together as a destroyer of worlds on a consistent basis. Still, from where she started to the progress she made, it's a matter of when, not if, she will get everything figured out.

The first thing WWE should have done was let her have an impact on her comeback instead of just slotting her right back into Raw. What would help her the most would be a surprise switch to Smackdown. There, she no longer needs to compete with Ronda Rousey as the unbeatable physical force and can instead take advantage of matchups with with Charlotte, Asuka, and most importantly, Becky Lynch. If the WWE goes full bore into Becky Lynch as female Stone Cold Steve Austin, then Nia Jax would come in as the perfect adversary to be brought in and put her in her place.

Even if Nia Jax doesn't have a title, she can always be an important part of the women's division due to her physical stature. But although those physical features can be fun for short periods of time as a happy-go-lucky, sometimes goofy babyface, her destiny is as a heel. Make her the big bad wolf, so let her blow some houses down, and Jax some ladies up.

Other Wrestlers WWE Has Ruined
Bobby Lashley

Who Won the WWE's Superstar Shakeup?

Pro wrestling is still real to me, damnit. So I wanted to look at all of the Superstar Shakeups to see the reasoning that each show would have to make these moves. I matched up guys in the most logical sense, and then ranked these trades from least to most important, marking a winner for each trade. There were basically nine trades, so the least important will receive one point, and the most important receiving nine points to see whether Daniel Bryan or Kurt Angle (who might be kayfabe racist, but we’ll get to that later) is the superior general manager of their show.

9. Raw trades Jinder Mahal to Smackdown for Curt Hawkins
Kayfabe Logic: Here is how I imagine this conversation went.
Side A: I will literally trade this guy for anybody on your roster.
Side B: Anybody?

And so it was written, the jobbers switched shows to lose to different guys.

Raw Motivation: They get rid of Jinder Mahal.

Smackdown Motivation: They get rid of Curt Hawkins.

Winner: Raw, although maybe Smackdown if Jinder Mahal shares his fitness tips with the rest of the roster. (Raw leads 1-0)

8. Raw trades Tamina to Smackdown for Mickie James
Kayfabe Logic: Neither of these ladies were able to make it to the top in limited opportunities, let’s switch it up and see what they can do.

Raw Motivation: Kurt Angle’s been gone for a really long time. This may be the only women’s wrestler that he recognizes. He may have initially tried to trade for Trish Stratus, something that I endorse 100%.

Smackdown Motivation: I guess Daniel Bryan wanted more size on his women’s roster.

Winner: Raw (Raw leads 3-0)

7. Raw trades The Shining Stars to Smackdown for Rhyno and Heath Slater
Kayfabe Logic: Rhyno and Heath Slater have fallen off the map recently, which is something you never have to worry about the Shining Stars, because you can always find them in Puerto Rico.

Raw Motivation: Rhyno and Heath Slater were over for a very short period of time. Will it happen again? Probably not, but being over once is more than The Shining Stars can say.

Smackdown Motivation: Daniel Bryan is interested in a timeshare in Puerto Rico? Daniel Bryan had already traded for Jinder Mahal and knew that he had to get rid of Heath Slater, so he could avoid 3MB chants when Drew McIntyre gets called up? Those are my two best explanations.

Winner: Raw (Raw leads 6-0)

6. Raw trades Sin Cara to Smackdown for Kalisto
Kayfabe Logic: Raw wanted to boost their Cruiserweight division, and since Smackdown doesn’t have one of those, it made sense to get a bigger guy who also fills their affirmative action of guy in a mask.

Raw Motivation: Yeah, basically boost up the cruisers, because this is where Kalisto should have been the entire time.

Smackdown Motivation: Um, Kalisto framed Daniel Bryan?

Winner: Raw (Raw leads 10-0)

5. Raw trades Sami Zayn to Smackdown for Apollo Crews
Kayfabe Logic: Two tremendous wrestling talents that can’t seem to find a way to win on their current show, so it’s a challenge trade to see if either guy can reach their potential on a different night of the week.

Raw Motivation: Kurt Angle went from a guy in Zayn who talks too much to a guy in Crews who has never said anything memorable. Also, not sure if you noticed this, but this is the first white person that Kurt Angle has traded, and even Zayn is a Canadian. Actually, looking through the roster, he traded away one white American, every other person he traded was a foreigner or a minority, many times both. Meanwhile, Apollo Crews is the only minority that he traded for in the Superstar Shakeup, and every single one of his picks are Americans (not counting managers). I did not notice this until I got to this point when writing, and it’s got me shook. Kurt Angle is a kayfabe xenophobic racist.

Smackdown Motivation: Sami Zayn is basically new age Daniel Bryan, so this move couldn’t make more sense for their side.

Winner: Smackdown (Raw leads 10-5)

4. Raw trades Rusev with Lana to Smackdown for The Miz with Maryse
Kayfabe Logic: I can’t lose a dude with a hot chick without getting a dude with a hot chick in return.

Raw Motivation: The Miz has been doing some of his best work and part of that should be attributed to Maryse who has really helped elevate the stakes for The Miz. Also, John Cena’s the biggest superstar in the WWE, so if you can’t get him, you might as well get his number one impersonator.

Smackdown Motivation: Miz couldn’t get the job done against John Cena, so at this point, is he really worth the hassle for Daniel Bryan? Rusev has more untapped potential than anyone in the WWE, as he’s legitimately one of the funniest people on the show, and he’s a hoss in the ring. That’s a nice return.

Winner: Raw. The Miz deserves it for what he’s been doing these past six months, but the only reason that people don’t think Rusev hasn’t been doing just as good stuff on the microphone (his promo where he called out Cass and E for calling themselves Big before calling himself Handsome Rusev belongs in the Smithsonian), just with a Bulgarian accent. Raw leads 16-5

3. Raw trades Charlotte Flair to Smackdown for Alexa Bliss
Kayfabe Logic: One former champion for another.

Raw Logic: Let’s face it. This had to be part of getting Mickie James for Tamina earlier. I love Alexa Bliss, but she’s no Charlotte.

Smackdown Logic: Uh, yeah, definitely do what you can to get Charlotte on the roster. I love Sasha an uncomfortable amount, but Charlotte has been the MVP of the Women’s division as long as it has been around.

Winner: Smackdown (Raw leads 16-12)

2. Raw trades Kevin Owens to Smackdown for Dean Ambrose
Kayfabe Logic: This is probably the most straight forward trade, as each side is trading their secondary champion in order to mix things up. And yes, this trade should probably be listed as number one, but as a writer, I needed a grand finale, and the final trade is way more hilarious.

Raw Motivation: Getting Dean Ambrose means that they have all three former members of The Shield on their roster, which will lead to endless speculation about the Shield reforming.

Smackdown Motivation: They get a better pure wrestler for their pure wrestling show, and he’s also better on the microphone, and he’s also not Dean Ambrose.

Winner: Smackdown (Smackdown leads 20-16)

1. Raw trades The New Day to Smackdown for Bray Wyatt
Kayfabe Logic: Bray has supernatural powers, and The New Day have the power of friendship.

Raw Motivation: Here’s what Raw has going for it. Bray Wyatt could win the World Title and give Raw both of the top titles on their show, which is especially valuable since there ain’t no way Brock Lesnar is defending that thing on Raw. Also, while trading three guys for one may seem excessive, Bray keeps pooping out new members at random times, so maybe he can bring in The Drifter or a darker version of No Way Jose? I don’t know.

Smackdown Motivation: They got three guys for one, and now their show is no longer booty. Creepy cult leading Bray Wyatt was cool, supernatural, maggot loving, Bray Wyatt is stupid. I’m not even a big fan of The New Day’s work these past six months, but I’d still rather have Big E alone over Bray Wyatt. Getting Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods along with him is a massive win for Smackdown.

Winner: Smackdown (Smackdown wins 29-16)

Although Raw won the minor trades, when it came to the top talents, Smackdown dominated their competition, and I’m actually incredibly excited about the future of Smackdown. It’s been putting on much better shows for a while, but with the influx of talent they have now, they could blow Raw away, and that is definitely not booty.

Sami Zayn Will Win The 2017 Royal Rumble

While everybody is talking about Lesnar and Goldberg and how their confrontation will go down at the Royal Rumble, I've got my eyes on the prize of figuring out who is going to win the damn thing this year, and it's not going to be one of those two clowns. One of the best things about the brand split is that it makes the Royal Rumble interesting again. The last few years, wrestling fans have basically known what was going to happen. With two title matches at WrestleMania, WWE has the ability to give a more shocking winner to give a title shot to. That is why this is the year that Sami Zayn takes a huge leap forward and wins the 2017 Royal Rumble.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Joe, you're only picking Sami Zayn, because you're a huge Zayniac and a total mark for the guy." Most of that sentence would be factual, but I do have other reasons for picking Sami Zayn, and I genuinely believe it make sense for him to win the Rumble this year.

Sami Zayn is the ultimate underdog. He's like Daniel Bryan, only Canadian, which makes him even more of an underdog. Plus, they have done everything they can to point giant flashing lights at how much of an underdog he is as Mick Foley, the nicest guy in wrestling, UNTIL HE GETS LOUD AND SUPER SERIOUS, told him how he could not compete with Braun Strowman. They're clearly building towards something where he overcomes the odds, and what better place to do that than this year's Royal Rumble?

And this Royal Rumble is basically going to be filled with people that nobody will expect him to beat. I mean, speaking of dogs, you've got The Big Dog, Roman Reigns, who could probably beat all 29 guys by himself, and if he didn't, they'd schedule a second Royal Rumble to "punish" him. Then you've got the other guys from The Shield, the new Wyatt Family, Braun Strowman, and James Ellsworth. That doesn't even include the unbeatable Bill Goldberg and The Beast, Brock Lesnar. It's a murderer's row of wrestlers the WWE would love to push to the top. And that's why it's time for the ultimate underdog to win. I mean, can you imagine it coming down to a final four of Goldberg, Lesnar, Reigns, and Sami Zayn. The crowd would be going insane for Zayn, and just imagine it coming down to Zayn and Reigns. Not only would the rhymes be nonstop, but the crowd may literally blow the roof off the joint.

Plus, one of the WWE's biggest issues in the past has been their refusal to pull the trigger on newer superstars. The best example of this is Roman Reigns who was one of the last two people in the ring with Batista, and the crowd would have gone crazy had he won. Instead, Batista went over, and when Reigns went over the next year, the crowd had already turned on him and refuses to turn back no matter how many good-to-great matches the guy has. The most fun thing about Sami Zayn in NXT is that you really never knew whether he'd win or lose. You could believably see him beat anyone (Cesaro), but he was never a sure thing to beat anyone (Titus O'Neil). You can give him that big push at anytime and easily get the crowd behind him, but clearly the WWE is building something with him, so why can't the time be now?

Finally, another reason for Zayn to win is because after the Rumble, his decision is actually a compelling storyline. He could restart his longtime feud with former best friend, Kevin Owens, which would ensure an incredible match. Or he could tell Raw to buzz off, as he's tired of being underestimated by incompetent leadership and go to Smackdown to take on AJ Styles, which, come to think of it, would also ensure an incredible match. Both choices are fantastic.

I feel like Sami Zayn's most memorable moments are falling short. In NXT, it was him repeatedly losing the most important matches, and then when he finally won the title, he immediately got destroyed by his best friend, Kevin Owens. And although he's had some memorable matches on the main roster, the two that stand out are him losing to John Cena and injuring his shoulder and him finally beating Kevin Owens to "end" the feud, only to have Owens win the Universal Title immediately after. Even when he wins, he loses. But that's the beauty of Sami Zayn, and why he will win the 2017 Royal Rumble.

I Tried to Watch "Chairman of the Board"

I like pain. I put myself in painful situations, because I like to test my own perseverance. Last week, I saw that the movie, Chairman of the Board, starring Carrot Top, was on one of the movie channels. It was halfway through, and I figured I might not be able to follow along with a plot from a movie that stars Carrot Top. I did a quick search and set my DVR to record it the next time it came on.

Finally, I had the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I decided to sit down and watch Chairman of the Board. Here are my experiences with the movie.

Carrot Top's character's name is Edison. He is an inventor. One thing he does not invent is funny.

Also, it took me five minutes before I remembered that Carrot Top was a prop comedian. I only remembered him as a really shitty comedian.

George Costanza's Mom comes in and tries selling the house that Carrot Top is living in. He lives with two surfer bros, and they weren't able to pay the rent, because Edison invested all of their money into inventions that he created. I can't get into all of the inventions that Edison made. It's too painful to relive.

Fuck, I do have to mention one advantage. He creates a bug zapping helmet, wears it himself, and then releases killer bees which proceed to sting a man in charge of a gadget company.

He then helps tells a man he is going to repair his car. After drinking motor oil and having the car fall on him, he only tells the man that he has a busted fan belt, and he'll have to have someone else fix it. The next logical step is obviously for them to go surfing together. Carrot Top is headed for some rocks, he screams, he then hits his surfboard's emergency brake, he then flies into the rocks. They did not actually show him flying into the rocks, you just heard him scream and the old dude said, "That's gotta hurt." They were too cheap to even throw a dummy into rocks.

And I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one is too painful for even me to watch. Do not watch this movie as a joke; it will not be funny. It will be sad and pathetic, and it will make you feel worse about your life. I'm going to watch Smackdown, because that's something that fun-loving adults do on a Friday night.

Live Blogging My Friday Night

Last weekend, I went to my buddy's bachelor party. Next weekend is the wedding which could get just as ugly. So this weekend I am going to take it easy and blog my Friday night. I will be focusing on the Iowa State-UConn and Boise State-Toldedo games, with a little bit of SmackDown thrown in.

6:55 CST - My buddy calls me to go out. I tell him of my plans. He calls me a vagine. Good start to the night.

7:00 - Edge is on SmackDown, games haven't started yet, I'm going to take my laundry out.

7:10 - UConn is letting the ball fly, and Iowa State just got called for a terrible pass interference call on Jeremy Reeves.

7:12 - Ted DiBiase just attacked Cody Rhodes while wearing a paper bag over his head. Very smart move, and much less boring than the ISU game.

7:15 - UConn scores by running it up the middle. They're making ISU look pretty awful, which Iowa probably should have decided to do last week. Yeah, I'm still bitter.

7:20 - Just switched to the Boise St. game, and holy shit, Toledo scored a touchdown. They didn't get a PAT, but 6-0 Rockets. I am a legitimate Toledo fan as I once stood in their student section on the road when they played Iowa State. I was more cheering against ISU, but I made some good Toledo fan friends that night. I was obviously very drunk.

7:21 - Steele Jantz is now playing like the real Steele Jantz, not the one who sucked off the devil to beat the Hawkeyes last week. I may have to stop watching this game, because as much as I love watching ISU lose, this is only going to make me more bitter about last week.

7:22 - Scratch that, UConn throws it right back to ISU. Great football assclowns.

7:25 - Nobody makes things look easier than Kellen Moore. A real nice touchdown pass down the seam for Boise's first touchdown.

7:31 - I don't think Sin Cara deserves special lighting for his matches. This aggravates me to the point where I can't watch his match against Daniel Bryan.

7:33 - Glad I checked back in; there are not one, but TWO Sin Caras. My mind is blown.

7:37 - Teddy Long just tried hating on my boy Zack Ryder. Not cool Teddy; you are no Broski.

7:39 - Steele Jantz with another interception, SHOCKING.

7:46 - Steele Jantz with his third interception of the first quarter. Somebody clearly punked me last week when they showed Iowa State winning. There is no way that happened.

7:49 - Trish Stratus just recognized Long Island Iced Z as the Internet Champion, WWWYKI!

7:54 - Kellen Moore is just a fun quarterback to watch throw the ball. There isn't much zip on it, but it's always right on target.

8:05 - Got bored with wrestling and football, switched to an old episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker. This guy seems douchier than normal.

8:15 - Toledo is doing just enough to hang around in this game. Due to Boise's history, I'm kind of doubting that this lasts.

8:33 - Kellen Moore just threw a perfect fade route. Of course he did. I'm out on that positive note. Have a good Friday night everybody; I'll be rocking some laundry, and maybe clean up my room in case I pull some tail back to my place after the wedding. Holler.

-Joe

P.S. Iowa State still sucks.