Someone Tried to Trick Me Into Prostitution

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Jose Canseco Does Not Learn From His Mistakes

I think through reading and writing about Jose Canseco, it is safe to say he is a simple person. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but only as an illustrative point that he believes in the basic needs of life and his ultimate goal is to recapture the American dream that he once lived. Recently, he has felt betrayed by his loved ones, and I wanted to help, not only him, but the entire world learn from his mistakes.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I made a total fool of my self for someone who never even cared about me .what an idiot I am

Well, I could have told you that putting Ozzie on the roster was a bad idea, but I don't think anyone thinks you're a fool for it. Also, had you not stopped him, I bet he would have posed as you in that boxing match, so I think you're overreacting when saying he doesn't care about you.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I actually thought I was going to marry leila .what an idiot I am

Oh. That's the person you were referring to when you were talking about you looking like a fool. Um, Ozzie, I guess I owe you an apology. Just ignore everything I wrote at first. You're a very great independent league baseball player, and don't let anyone tell you differently. 

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
I am looking for a wife anyone interested

This is not a well thought out plan. Jose Canseco is much more famous than me, but if I did this, I would have women lining up to marry me on the spot. And it's not just because I'm incredibly good looking. It's because if there's one thing I know about females, it's this: Bitches are crazy. Everybody thinks that women are interested in two things, marriage and babies. This is actually a misconception. Ladies love one thing, stuff. They just love to get stuff. When people get married, they get a bunch of stuff, when they pump out a little one, they get more stuff. This is all that ladies care about, so Jose, you've opened up a can of worms, I just hope you can shut it before it's too late.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Love makes fools out of all of us especially me

Hey, it happens to the best of us. At least you have learned a valuable lesson. 

Wait a minute, what's that? No. It can't be. I know he learned something. This must be a mistake.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Hi lady gaga guess who http://lockerz.com/s/110858376

God damnit.

-Joe

P.S. For lessons on how to tweet hard enough to give a dolphin a boner (more on that next week), learn from The Ultimate Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Warrior God for ULTIMATE time. Demand is HIGH. Escort limited to pro-wrestlers wives. Reserve right to refuse service. No, HH. Linda, no.

Say what you want about The Ultimate Warrior, but a disparaging personal ad in 140 characters is pretty damn impressive. Bravo, Jim Warrior, bra-fucking-vo.

Juventud Guerrera Will Make You Juicy

It is time for another reader suggestion (Remember, you too can have me write about anything you would like by liking Uncensored Writing on Facebook). This time coming from reader Jake, who had the following suggestion:

"you should explain "juvi juice" to the unknowing"

And that is an excellent idea. Let's dive in.

Juventud Guerrera was just another crazy Mexican high-flyer with a mask. That is, until one fateful night where he would wrestle El Dandy. Although he would put on a great performance in defeating El Dandy, the post-match turned out to be far more important than the actual match itself (go to five minutes in to get to the important events).  For those unable to watch the video, this was the night that Chris Jericho put up his Cruiserweight title against Juventud's mask.

The match happened a couple weeks later and Juventud lost, hence losing his identity, the thing that Mexican wrestlers hold dearest in their lives, he had lost his mask. When Juventud was unmasked, people were absolutely shocked, because Juventud Guerrera was actually...very, very ugly. I mean, you can usually get away with being ugly in wrestling, but Juventud was stop in your tracks ugly. Check it out.

The best way to sum up Juventud's looks it that he looks like a transvestite, but it's impossible to tell if he's a guy trying to look like a girl, or a girl trying to look like a guy.

When you're exposed as some hybrid dual-transvestite, there really is only one thing you can do...impersonate The Rock. He transitioned from Juventud Guerrera to Juvy Juice or The Juice for short. The Rock was the most popular wrestler in the world at the time, so a Mexican who still has yet to master the English language impersonating him would have to be a huge success, right? Well, if you measure success in ratings, you were sorely disappointed. But if you measured it in unintentional comedy, then yes, this was a rousing success.

His trademark catchphrase became, "The Juice is in the house, and the house is in The Juice." It was always more memorable as it came out "De Juish is in de housh, and de housh is in De Juish."

The only problem with The Juice is that he has been completely erased from the internet. I couldn't find a single YouTube video of his promos from WCW. I can find every single Royal Rumble on YouTube (even the first one in 1988 when there were only 20 guys and Hacksaw Jim Duggan won it), but Juvie Juice apparently didn't make the cut.

Luckily, there is a video of Juvie Juice giving one of his trademark promos. Unfortunately, the promo was done after the Juice had fallen on hard times, as it is a profanity-laced diatribe from an organization called XPW.

I guess the most amazing thing about this video is that he still embraced The Juice gimmick. It would be as if the Kane gimmick had never happened and Glen Jacobs was still walking around independent shows as Fake Diesel. It's unfathomable, yet it's actually happening.

As bad as this is, it actually gets worse for our Juicy hero. His juiciest moment would have to be in AAA at Rey de Reyes where he would make a surprise appearance, win his match, and then join D-Generation Mex. Shortly thereafter, he accused Konnan of shitting in his gym bag, and Konnan responded by breaking Juvie's nose. Clearly the K-Dogg is not a juicy person.

And with that, I bid you adieu and hope that you too can become a juicy person. That is, if you can smelllalalalalalala, what the Juice...is cookin'.

-Joe

P.S. If you haven't seen the Conan O'Brien commencement speech at Dartmouth, I highly recommend checking it out as it is a great illustration of why O'Brien is so much more likeable than Jay Leno.

LeBron's Struggles Are a Good Thing For LeBron Fans

LeBron choked again. Jordan will always be better. LeBron will never win the big one.

These are the common themes that have been harped on during and after the conclusion of the NBA Playoffs. Let's go through them one by one.

So maybe LeBron isn't clutch. Really, how many people are? Sometimes I'm clutch. Other times, I can give myself paralysis by analysis and not always do things to the best of my abilities. I'm guessing most people have some combination of clutch and unclutch moments. LeBron is the same way, as he showed clutch moments against the Bulls and unclutch moments against the Mavericks. Being clutch is something that is horribly overblown by the media, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist at all. Had LeBron been shot and killed after the Chicago series, he would have been looked at as someone who had finally figured out how to win, but was taken away from us at the height of his powers. Because of the Dallas series, he's back to square one. This is a good thing.

And finally, LeBron will never be seen as better than Jordan, because nobody will ever be seen as better than Jordan. LeBron could win multiple titles, lead the league in scoring seven times, lead the league in rebounding eleven times, and even lead the league in assists once to prove he isn't selfish. Hell, he could average 50 points a game for a season and he still wouldn't be seen as better than Jordan. You know how I know this? Because Wilt Chamberlain already did it. There is no possible way for a player to be recognized as better than Jordan. Jordan will forever be the best, so if you hear a debate starting about the topic, just leave, or change the channel, because all you're going to hear is two people wasting their breath. LeBron will never be better than Jordan, but that's a good thing.

LeBron's failures in the playoffs are what makes him keep going. He is by far the most talented player that has ever played this game. If he had five championships by now, what is the point of continuing? What drives a person who has shown they can dominate the league with sheer will? It happened to Jordan and he played baseball for two years. Jordan loved to win, but it came to a certain point where he knew the win was inevitable. At that point, what really is your motivation? It is a good thing LeBron still doesn't have a ring. Love him or hate him, he's pretty god-damned amazing to watch. I love Derrick Rose, but LeBron destroyed Rose in the playoffs. It hurts me to admit that, but there is no other way to interpret what happened. As a Bulls fan, I was pissed, but looking back as a basketball fan, holy shit, that LeBron James guy is something else. The scary thing is that he could get better. The scarier thing is that this loss gives him a reason to.

And that's a real good thing.

-Joe

P.S. But yeah, I still hate him and hope he never wins another basketball game for the rest of his career.

P.P.S. This has been thrown all over the Internet, but just in case you didn't know, Debbie LOVES cats.

The Ultimate Warrior Now Has Twitter

To say the timing of my following of the Ultimate Warrior was fortuitous is a gross understatement of how perfectly that I timed this. Right after I announced that I was following The Warrior, he not only started posting videos like they are going out of style, but he has started a Twitter account. And like all things Ultimate Warrior, it's fucking amazing.

He started out his Twitter feed in the least surprising manner...by talking shit to Hulk Hogan.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@HulkHogan4Real Karma is coming to collect Terry.

I really think that this was Ultimate Warrior's number one purpose for setting up a Twitter account. Hulk Hogan hasn't been acknowledging him as a threat, so he figured he'd let it be known that he is going to put a bullet in Hulkamania. But that's not all as he totally burned Hogan with another tweet.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@OfficialHTM Absolute BS! Good to hear from you man. Stay active, passionate and healthy!! Hogan has no spine, no pun intended!

I'll admit, it took me a while to understand the "no pun intended" part of this tweet. I finally realized he was referring to Hulk's numerous back surgeries. Personally, I feel like instead of going with "no pun intended" a better way to end that tweet would have been with a "Hogan has no spine, literally!" To each their own.

But then Warrior got really steamed. Hulk Hogan had the audacity to block people who were talking shit to him on Twitter, which is completely unreasonable in the land of the Warrior. Twitter alone was no longer enough for The Warrior, he decided to go back to his trusted friend, YouTube to create this:

I've watched this video about two dozen times. Each time I am absolutely mesmerized. I love that he calls it a social networking party, and uses that to challenge Hulk Hogan's former partying days. I love that he says that Hulk Hogan has a womanly handshake. And I love that he tells Hogan that he and his Warriors are going to bust down the wall of his (theoretical social networking party) house if he won't let them through the (theoretical) front door. He then gives an awesome diabolical laugh to end the video. It's all phenomenal.

How do you top that? For normal beings, they wouldn't be able to. For the Warrior, it's a piece of cake. Yesterday morning, he topped his amazing video when he greeted his Twitter followers with this message:

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Morning, warriors. Yesterday is gone. Forever. Today, you rip fresh ass.

I wish I had something insightful to say, but it would only alter the perfection of that tweet.

-Joe

P.S. Macho Man may have tragically passed away, but he lives on in the Where's Randy Savage tumblr. This photo is amazing.

P.P.S. Here's a good article on Clay Guida who has a really interesting fight against Anthony Pettis tomorrow. The first four paragraphs gave me a good laugh, because I can vouch that John Dodson has been doing ridiculous moves like that before Pettis ever did it in his match against Ben Henderson.

Jose Canseco Is Looking For Love

Unless you've been living under a rock (or worse, not following Jose Canseco on Twitter), you probably know about how Jose Canseco has a new love, and her name is Lady Gaga. I'm not familiar with Lady Gaga's music, but I am familiar with her face, and it ain't pretty. But at least she's rich, so I guess that's worth something.

On the positive side of things, Jose's going gaga for Gaga (I apologize for the pun, but there was no way I was going to be able to avoid it) has led to a Twitter frenzy from everybody's favorite slugger. Let's see what he's been up to.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Still waiting for answer

Jose, it's Lady Gaga, I think you can stop just waiting around and set your sights on someone else. I mean, clearly beauty isn't an issue for you.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Where is wonder woman
Okay, this is a step up in the looks department, but a horrible step back in the "this person exists" department. You'll have to do better than this.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am at buffalo wild wings still looking for the next miss x canseco

I think he meant ex-Miss Canseco. Actually, no he didn't. I would much rather believe that Jose Canseco will only marry women whose name begins with X. I bet it broke his heart when he found out that Xena: Warrior Princess wasn't real. Maybe I shouldn't have told him that Wonder Woman suffers from the same fictional fate.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

If I had a child with lady gaga what would he or she be called

As terrifying as this thought is, I thought this was a goldmine of a tweet. I thought for sure I could come up with an astonishingly hilarious response to this. Unfortunately, 30 seconds later, I read the following and realized that it could not be topped.

@Nick_Devlin Nick Devlin

Chyna.

I don't know if I'll ever know the true identity of a man who goes by the Twitter handle of @Nick_Devlin, but if I do, I think I'd like to buy that man a beer.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I wish @ladygaga would marry me :D

Remember when people wished for good things? Like being taller, or being a baller, or even a girl that looked good so you could call her? Hell, I'd even settle for people wishing for a rabbit in a hat, or a bat, or a 64 Impala. Yeah, I miss those days.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I want to get married and settle down any crazy takers u must be Christian

Jose has things that he just won't compromise on, and being Jewish is one of those things. Actually, that stipulation lasted all of 30 seconds before he was willing to give up on it.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Can any woman convert the most infamous athlete ever

 @JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Or will I take u on a hell ride

This will definitely be my pickup line if I'm ever out and meet a Jewish girl. I'm open-minded enough to let them try to convert me to Judaism from Hulkamania if they can prove it is a better religion (fat chance, but I'll listen). And I feel it is always best to let them know that any further romantic interaction with me could end in a hell ride for her. Ladies don't like to be surprised by the most traumatic experience of their lives, so I'll warn them up front that shit could get ugly.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am looking for an exorcism from a Christian girl can u handle it

This sounds like the kinkiest shit ever. Unfortunately, Jose follows it up by going to a very dark and sad place.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am still in love with one girl but she wouldn't look my way if I were the last MAN on earth

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

SHE KNOWS WHO SHE IS

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

WHAT IS HATEFUL .ENVIOUS .AND ANGRY AND CAN'T FACE THE TRUTH

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ANSWER THE QUESTION

But never fear, Canseco lovers, as everything was fine a day later as it appears that baseball and partying has cured his broken heart.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am with a bunch of single ball players in Martinez lake Arizona huge house on dove rd come by girls and party

I guarantee if I come by with a 30-Pack of Natty Light, we aren't getting turned away from that party house. Anybody up for a road trip?

-Joe

P.S. Steven Seagal is absolutely pissed that Anderson Silva cannot punch fast. Fortunately, he takes out his aggressions and annihilates Silva. Seriously.