Why The Bears Lost

With the Bears getting eliminated from the playoffs this past weekend.  Bear Nation (are they a nation or a county, possibly a municipality, actually, yes, I like municipality) Bear Municipality was up in arms over many things from this past weekend's game against the Packers.  Blown plays, soft players, and terrible coaching were all supposed culprits contributing to a Bears defeat on Sunday. 

But is this really the case?  I'm not so sure.  Let's tackle the big talking points.

1.  Offensive Play Calling - Everyone will point to third and three with the game on the line.  Mike Martz called an end around, and everybody freaked out about it being the worst call ever.  It was a horrible failure, but was it a horrible call?  I'll admit I don't love it on third and three, but if it worked, everybody would be calling him a genius.  The problem that I have with it is that they tipped off the play.  They spread out Dez Clark for the first time all game (and maybe all season since he's been inactive for the last 10 games before this one).  Anytime you throw out a brand new formation, it is going to tip them off that you might be running a trick play.  The formation, not the call is what Bears fans should be upset with.  Also, everybody thought Martz would go pass wacky all game, and he did a good job of balancing out the offense.  Don't worry Mikey, I got your back.

2.  Defensive Play Calling - Tim Jennings getting murdered, but you have no clue what defense they were calling.  A lot of the plays, he dropped far off the line of scrimmage immediately giving Greg Jennings a huge cushion.  Does this mean he was playing soft man-to-man coverage?  Possibly, or he was maintaining depth on a Cover-3, and his main responsibility is to stay deep and hope the linebacker can zone out in time to stop inside cutting routes.  TV camera angles are absolutely awful for deciphering defenses, so anybody complaining about this is a moron.

3.  Missed Tackles - The Bears defense missed a ton of tackles.  This obviously wasn't a good thing, but shit happens, and the defense played big in the second half, so you'd have to be a real prick to blame the loss on them.

4.  Passive coaching - This one killed me.  Lovie chose to punt so many times inside the Packers 40, it made me want to throw something through the television.  Don't punt in your opponents' territory.  If you play passively, you deserve to lose.  But hey, anytime you can gain ten yards of field position on a punt, you gotta do it.

5.  Special Teams - Of course with Maynard punting the ball 24 yards with plenty of room to work, maybe those ten net yards weren't so bad.  Can we please stop calling him a great punter?  Yes, he is very good at angling punts, but his leg is so weak that I would seriously consider letting him go first in a game of ro-sham-bo.  Brad, thanks for a lot of great kicks, but it's your time to go.  Bears, please draft Ryan Donahue in the seventh round.  You will not regret it.
Also, Devin Hester didn't make a big play.  He's exciting, but he's not automatic.  The Packers did a good job on coverage, so nothing to complain about there.

6.  Jay Cutler - Oh, Jay.  Jay, Jay, Jay..Jay Jay.  The word is crashing down upon you.  And it's not even because of the terrible throw you had that got intercepted.  It's because you're "soft."  The defense for Cutler is not that it was a Grade II Tear.  No, the defense is that pain is personal.  His Grade II Sprain could feel much differently than somebody else's, because everybody feels pain differently.  Some people get cold easily, some get hot easily, things feel different to different people.  You may have noticed that I used the term tear and the term sprain.  I did this, because they mean the exact same thing.  If you like Cutler, you'll say he had a tear, if you don't, you'll say he had a sprain.  Either way, that's an injury that most people are pushing themselves through.  But this is another case of people not focusing on the right thing.  If you want to complain about Cutler, complain because he was awful at throwing the football on Sunday.  I can't think of one pass he threw that I would classify as good.  I would call his corner route to Knox average, because Knox basically had to stop to catch the ball, but luckily he was wide open.  Sure the injury will get people riled up, but let's not lose sight of the fact that Jay Cutler is still an awful excuse for a quarterback.

7.  Lack of Talent - This is why the Bears lost.  They aren't good.  I'll admit, I never assume much from the Bears, and this year they surprised me.  But that doesn't mean they are loaded with a great team.  They just got lucky, really, really lucky.  But no, seriously, their luck made leprechauns jealous.  Look at this:
Week 1 - Lions - Calvin Johnson clearly caught the ball, but it was reversed, because he did not maintain possession through the process of the catch, a rule that only applies in the end zone.
Week 3 - Packers - I believe the Packers had over 700 yards in penalties.  The Bears squeaked by with a victory.
Week 5 - Panthers - Todd Collins starts the game and has the worst game of any quarterback in 2010, luckily Jimmy Clausen has the third worst game, and the Bears cruise to a victory.
Week 9 - Bills - Bears squeak out a victory over a winless Bills team.  It would have helped had the Bills been in Buffalo for their home game, but instead they were in Toronto where the crowd favored the Bears.
Week 11 - Dolphins - Dolphins are forced to start third string quarterback Tyler Thigpen.  This shouldn't have been a huge deal, because the Dolphins have a good running attack, and Thigpen could be dangerous out of the pistol formation.  Fortunately for the Bears, the Dolphins inexplicably went with a passing heavy attack.
Week 13 - Lions - The Bears squeak by the Lions again, despite the Lions starting third string quarterback, Drew Stanton.
Week 15 - Vikings - Yes, the Bears did blow out the Vikings, but they were struggling before ending Brett Favre's career to bring in third stringer, Joe Webb.

Without any luck, the Bears may have been a four win team.  Be happy with the success they achieved, and enjoy it while you can.  Next year won't be so pretty.

-Joe

P.S.  Here is an awesome story about how the Bears called James Starks, told him they were going to draft him, and then decided to take Dan LeFevour instead. 

P.P.S.  And just in case people forgot how bad Jimmy Clausen is, here is a Heisman video for him:

15 Steps To Running Like A Pimp

So I try to convince most people that I run in the winter because I need to keep my top notch cardio.  That's only partially true.  Although staying in shape is part of the reason, it's definitely only a secondary reason at best.  My primary rule to running like a pimp is to satisfy my own vanity, because I love me some me.  Although Jay-Z may think that pimpin' ain't easy, a true pimp like myself never sweats it.  Let me take you through all of the steps I go through in order to maximize my swagger while running.

1.  Take a Dump - It doesn't matter if I feel absolutely nothing deep in my bowels, I sit on the can until I can squeeze something out.  This is a necessity, because if I don't do this, I will have to poop within five minutes of my run beginning, and that is the worst.  How does this relate to my vanity?  Not only do I feel sexier after I get that out of my system, but I also get rid of any bloatedness, making me look extra fit.  I know most of the ladies out there are thinking that I always look perfect, but this just helps me reach a higher level of perfection.

Poo

2.  Get Naked - A lot of people may strip down to their underwear before they put on their running clothes, but since I rarely wear underwear, I strip completely nude.  This is the first, but certainly not the last, that I check myself out in the mirror.  And trust me ladies, it's miraculous.

3.  Boxer Briefs  (Old School) - I first put on an old (and very tight) pair of white boxer briefs.  I want to use an old pair, because there's no need to dirty up a good pair of underwear for a run.  Sure some of them have holes in them, but the tightness keeps me snug and stops me from bouncing around.  This is very crucial for a run.  It's also a great time to check myself out in the mirror, as the white boxer briefs accentuate my gorgeous...skin.

4.  Spandex Pants - Now it's time for my black Under Armour spandex pants.  I usually give a good flex here, as the pants help accentuate my v-shape upper body.  Plus, the spandex makes my naturally great looking legs really pop in the mirror.  It's a sight to behold.

5.  Starter Dry-Fit - It's just like Under Armour only extremely thin.  It's not the best for keeping a person warm, but it is great for making my muscles pop.  At this point, I embody the athletic ideal.  I have the legs of a black man, and the heart of a scrappy white guy.  This is when the sight of my jacked bod gets me pumped for the upcoming run.

6.  Outer Underwear - I put on an extra pair of outer underwear, because, quite honestly, sometimes my junk gets cold, and this prevents that.  Cold junk is the worst.  I'll admit to having cold junk on a secluded bike trail and finding the only cure sticking my hand down my own pants as I run.  I'm not proud of this, but I'm also not ashamed.  It's never for pleasure, just for dong survival. A true pimp always takes care of his number one guy.

Now with this outer underwear, I've tried bright pairs so I could look like a superhero, but this plan was a total failure.  It turns out I just look mentally challenged.  This is the one step where I do not look at myself in the mirror.

7.  Shorts - I can basically use any pair that isn't black, because I like to contrast my pants and shirt so I really pop when I'm out on the streets.  It's also a tad depressing, because my vanity really starts going downhill after the Starter dry-fit. 

8.  Under Armour - Some would say I use it because I need the warmth, but moreso, I wear it, because I can't fight the urge to protect this house.  Click clack bitches.

9.  Bright T-shirt - Because I pop, and I don't stop.

10.  Socks - I hate wearing socks, but they are a necessity in this weather, so I figure I might as well go all out.  I wear an obnoxious pair of bright green rugby socks.  And for the record, I did not buy a pair of green rugby socks, I earned them by playing on a rugby team back in the day.  This is my final look in the mirror.

11.  Heavy Stretching - My stretching puts a heavy emphasis on my groin and hips.  My groin can get tight on me, so I do that for my pleasure.  I stretch my hips, because ladies love a man with loose hips.  And trust me, when I'm done, I'm like Shakira; my hips don't lie.

12.  Shoes - This is where I could say something clever like:  I like my shoes how I like my women - tied up with little circulation.  But it seems like a lot of work to tie up women, and it's not like any girl would be crazy enough to pass up an opportunity at this so it's not a necessity.  Anyway, what was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, shoes.  Yeah, I got a pair of running shoes, and they treat me well.  I prefer a double knot to keep it tight.

13.  Headband and Gloves - Yes, I love headbands.  They are awesome.  And I am cool enough to pull the look off.  And the gloves, well, they keep my hands warm.  There's really no other explanation needed on those.

14.  iPod - There's two different directions you can go with your music.  For the most part, I go with pump up music.  Hatebreed is ideal, and even though it's easy listening in comparison, Metallica has treated me well lately.  Sometimes, you can just go into complete zone out and listen to chill music, but that's much tougher to do in the winter time, and for amateurs, I recommend sticking with the hardcore stuff.

15.  Just Run - A lot of people like to set out distances when they run.  A true pimp doesn't need a distance.  A true pimp doesn't need a path.  A true pimp just runs.  If you don't know where you're going, that's a good way to get some place you've never been.  Sure, sometimes this leads to me accidentally going 20 miles, but usually it just means that I go for a relaxing run where I don't need to think about the running, I can just enjoy the moment.  

You see, a true pimp like myself doesn't always need the company of a woman.  I can just love me some me.  After that, the ladies will follow my lead.

Now that's big pimpin.

-Joe

P.S.  Warning:  Running like a pimp will cause women (and some men) to both hoot and holler at you.  If you're not prepared for this kind of attention, do not follow these instructions.  Many of the ladies will find you irresistible even before you run your pickup gambits on them. 

P.P.S.  To run like a pimp in the summertime, just pop your shirt off and enjoy the attention.

P.P.P.S.  Speaking of pimps, Shonn Greene is another true pimp.  Sure his run to ice the game was great, but he could have easily been called for multiple excessive celebration penalties after the touchdown.  Not only did he take a nap on the ball, but he, and all his teammates flew around like Jets in the endzone.  That's another example of big pimpin.

If You Love Tacos, You Should Probably Get AT&T

Something about the holidays really makes me want to pick apart commercials.  Combine that with my love of tacos, and breaking down this latest AT&T commercial was a no-brainer for me.  I'm sure just about everyone has seen it.  The basic premise is this black guy gets pissed, because everyone is having a taco party without him.  At the end, he realizes he was invited, but his phone is just slow.  Damn, he must have felt stupid.  For those unfamiliar with it, here is video for your enjoyment:

First off, let's break down the basic demographics of this commercial.  The advertisers really went out of their way to be inclusive in this commercial, and I really think they nailed the demographics.  They put in three men and three women, so excellent equality there.  Further breaking it down, the women are white, Asian, and black, while the men, are two blacks and a white.  That gives us three black people, two white people, and one Asian.  Why is there no one of Hispanic descent?  They are already the center of our story, as they are represented by their most beloved food, tacos.

In the commercial, the angry black guy accuses his buddy of thinking Eric, the awkward white guy, is weird.  Let's face it, the white guy had to be the weird one, otherwise this commercial is racist as shit.  If there was only one black guy, and they called him weird, you would just assume that the white character hosts Klan meetings during his time away from work.  Even if you focused on the white woman as being weird, the underlying message would be that he thinks she's weird because she's ugly, or more likely, a lesbian.  But just because the white woman isn't weird doesn't mean she isn't essential to the commercial.  Imagine if the white woman was replaced by a Hispanic woman.  Then, we have a group of minorities all calling the white guy weird, that's reverse racism and has no place in advertising.

In the previous paragraph, I referred to one of the character as the "angry black guy."  That sounds like a horribly racist stereotype, and it is, but it works in this commercial.  Let's look at a quick snapshot of the commercial.

As you can see, this is where it becomes a necessity to have three black people.  The two normal black people are positioned on the opposite side of him.  Without saying a word, the layout of this commercial is positioning him as different than the other black characters in this commercial.  Another technique they use to show how he is different is that he is always the only face that you can see when he is focused on. 

Meanwhile, when they focus on the group, there is almost always two people's faces in the frame. 

This establishes them as part of the normal group, and him as an outlier.  Because of this, he doesn't represent the black community, the two other black people do.  Instead, he represents the outlier; that is why his behavior is erratic.  It's also why he doesn't have AT&T.  Within the parameters of this commercial, I think AT&T does a very good job of subliminally telling you things that you probably did not understand at first glance.  It's telling you to sign up for AT&T, be part of the cool crowd, and have all the free tacos your stomach can handle.  I'm so glad I have AT&T.

-Joe

P.S.  I totally understand why the angry black guy was pissed.  I'd be pissed too if people were having a taco party and were too lazy to stop by my office (if I had an office) and tell me.  Don't text me important information, just stop by and tell me like a human being.

P.P.S.  There's a lot of creepy things on the internet, Muppets with People's Eyes ranks right up there with any of them.

My Best (And Worst) Sports Predictions

I've really got nothing important to write about today, so I decided to take a trip down memory lane and figure out my hits and misses for sports predictions over the last year.

The Good:
When having my fantasy baseball draft, I predicted the following people were terrible picks:  Jacoby Ellsbury, Aramis Ramirez, Brian Roberts, Ben Zobrist, Michael Young, Derrek Lee, and Nolan Reimold.

When Baseball America ranked Alcides Escobar the #12 prospect in baseball, I called him the most overrated prospect on their list.  I don't care if some say that you shouldn't judge a prospect by his first year in the pros.  I'm like the immature cheese in that commercial (Cheese-It, I believe), la la la can't hear you.  LA LA LA, CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I liked Mike Trout more than Baseball America.  This is one I feel very good about since he's probably one of the top 3 prospects in all of baseball now.  Suck on that, BA.

I knew that Andrew Luck was really good, and Jake Locker was really bad.  Does that count?  It doesn't?  Fair enough, but I'm still keeping it up there.  By the way, although I never blogged it, I told everyone I talked to that Andrew Luck would come back for another year of school.

I predicted that if Jay Cutler could succeed under any coach, that coach would be Mike Martz.

I told anyone who would listen that Chester Taylor sucks.  Recently, Football Outsiders released their list of worst running backs according to advanced metrics, and Chester Taylor was the second worst running back in the NFL, right behind Lawrence Maroney.  Nice job, Chester.

The Bad:
When having my fantasy baseball draft, I predicted the following people were great picks:   Justin Upton, Grady Sizemore, BJ Upton (I LOVE me some Uptons), and Gordon Beckham.
I also said that drafting Ubaldo Jimenez in the 7th round was inexcusable (to be fair, I said it was inexcusable because Tommy Hanson and Clayton Kershaw were still on the board, so I'm still a jackass, just not a total jackass).  

When Starlin Castro was rated the #16 prospect in all of baseball, I called him the second most overrated prospect in baseball.  Now the real question is whether I will root for his success since he plays for the Cubs, or root for his downfall so I can look smart.  Cubs will suck either way, so probably the latter.

Proving that I have no business judging Cubs prospects, I thought Vitters should be ranked in the Top 40 when he was ranked at 70.  He proceeded to shit himself for an entire season.  How can he be bad?  His swing is so pretty, but he does like to show it off by swinging at every pitch imaginable.

I wrote an entire post on whether Jordan's Bulls could beat LeBron's Bulls, since, you know, LeBron was definitely going to Chicago.  Whoops.  The good news is that I picked Jordan's Bulls to win.

I advocated for the Bears signing John David Booty multiple times.  The worst part about predicting his greatness is that I still stand by it.   With his lineage, there is nothing that should hold him back:

I predicted a team to win the national championship.  That team lost five games.  We do not need to go into what team I am referring to.

-Joe

P.S.  This is the most dedicated tribute band in the world:  Of course it's a Def Leppard tribute band:

I Don't Care To Watch You Watch Sports

I really thought we were past this.  I enjoy watching sports more than most people.  I usually try to stay reserved, but if you put me with the right group of people, and give me the right chemical imbalance then I can really get into games.  Yelling at sporting events is a good way to let off some steam, even though it sometimes feels as if your favorite team may give you a heart attack.  All in all, you could say that I love sports.  I love sports, but I don't love watching people watch sports.

This phenomenon seemed to become popular during the most recent World Cup.  Landon Donovan scored a goal to crush the mighty, global dominator known as Algeria.  With that goal, we crushed those impoverished pieces of shit, and it felt awesome.  Now look, I'll admit I was excited, and I don't fault anybody for yelling and screaming in joy when this happened.  Sports brings out emotions.  I have no problem with the event itself.

The problem I have is that people recorded people celebrating and put it on YouTube for people to...enjoy?  Yes, not just one person, but multiple people thought it would be fun to watch other people watch sporting events.  This is retarded in itself, but then you learn that there are people even more retarded who ACTUALLY enjoy watching other people watch sports.

I remember a buddy telling me how I needed to watch this awesome video of people watching the World Cup.  Luckily, there were a group of people so I was able to leave halfway through, but they sat there in total silence as they were amazed to see people hoot and holler at a television screen.

There's a lot of things out there that I don't like that I can at least understand how it could be entertaining for people.  Curling has no appeal to me, but if I stretch my brain, I can at least see some appeal for the precision and concentration it takes to be good at it.  With watching people watch sports, I have no idea what the appeal of it is.  My best guess is nostalgia, but people aren't watching their friends celebrate, they're watching strangers celebrate.  It's kind of creepy.

I thought that the World Cup would just be a short blip on our radar for this activity, but the NFL has now come out with commercials that feature people celebrating a big play by their team.  I spent a whole 90 seconds looking for one of the commercials and failed, but I'm sure you've seen them or can imagine what they look like. 

The final thing that bothers me about these videos is that somebody wastes their time recording other people celebrating.  They record a crowd celebrating instead of worrying about what is actually happening in the game.  Now they may just be a lonely guy who wants to pretend he has friends with these videos, and as sad as that is, he's still not as pathetic as the people who enjoy them.

-Joe

P.S.  Since today's post was about sports, here's two excellent profiles of NFL prospects.  The first is of Torrey Smith, a wide receiver out of Maryland.  And the second one is of Jake Locker who I hope can read books better than football field, otherwise, he ain't graduating.

Jose Canseco Might Be The Most Interesting Man In The World

So Jose Canseco has been spinning gold on Twitter, and his amazing tweets have been building up at nearly unprecedented levels over the last two weeks.   It's gotten to the point where it is no longer debatable, move over Dos Equis dude, Jose Canseco is the most interesting man in the world.

JoseCanseco I have been testing a totally legal product I will let you guys know if it works As soon as I have tested it long enough
This is a great example of why Jose's life is more interesting than anyone else's:  Mystery.  And not the Pickup Artist, the literary device.  He is trying a totally legal product, but we have no idea what it is.  It could be a muscle enhancer, it could be big dick pills, hell, it could just be cereal.  There is no way to know, but the great news is that Jose will let us know what it is once it is thoroughly tested.  How long does it take to know if Cinnamon Toast Crunch "works?"  Only Jose knows the answer to that question.

JoseCanseco Don't ever give up on life workout stay in great shape Our genetic structure allows us to live past 120 years
Could this be the secret benefit of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?  If so, Jose will be letting me know in 73 years.  I can't wait.

JoseCanseco Hey santangelo how did you like getting kicked out of the Playboy mansion. I hope your wife knows you're there with 2 girls and drunk
My initial thought when reading this thought was that I really hope that he's referring to F.P. Santangelo, obscure fourth outfielder who hasn't played in ten years.  I knew it had no chance of that being the case, but it would have been awesome if it was.

JoseCanseco Anyone get ahold of fp santangelo he threatened me and my girl in the playboy mansion and security kicked him out let's get a boxing match
Another reason Jose has a more interesting life than you or me:  He is one of only ten people who can actually identify F.P. Santangelo.  That's amazing.   And shouldn't there be video cameras everywhere around the Playboy Mansion?  It would be awesome to see the scuffle between F.P. and Jose.  I guess they don't want to constantly tape medically enhanced women getting their sex on?  Wait a second, yes they do.  Hugh Hefner might be a total scumbag.  This needs to happen.

JoseCanseco I have a lot of respect for fp santangelo he called me and apologize that takes a big man to do that
Third reason Jose is more interesting than anybody you could possibly imagine:  A heart of gold.  Jose is a man, so if you want to threaten him, he can handle himself and take care of you with some old school street justice.  But don't threaten his girl.  That's a weak move Santangelo.  Jose could have kept a grudge, but he not only accepted his apology, but commended him for his apology in a tweet to all of his followers.  F.P. is lucky he threatened such a great guy.

JoseCanseco Look up exotic rare artwork on google then look for jc7264@yahoo.com check it out
Fourth reason Jose makes the Dos Equis seem as boring as an episode of The Hills:  Jose not only understands exotic art work, but has such a sophisticated eye that he can truly understand it's quality.  Here are some samples from his website:

Exotic?  More Like Erotic.

Ditto.

Hell Yeah.

And all of this is why two weeks I go I was so excited to see the following tweet: 

JoseCanseco I am lookig for a ghost writer for my third book anyone interested.title will be (the truth hurts it destroyed my life) email jc7264@yahoo.c
That's right folks.  Not only is Jose writing his third book, but he is in desperate need for a ghost writer to help him put his amazing story down on the page.  Finally, I would have a chance at my ultimate dream job.  Personally, I think that Jose and I could not only produce a #1 New York Times Bestseller, but I also think that VH1 could follow us around with cameras and have a #1 Rated Reality Show.  I decided to focus on the task at hand and sent him the following e-mail (bolded for clarity):

Dear Mr. Jose Canseco,

My name is Joe, and I would be very interested in being the ghost writer for your third book.  I have talked about you on my blog (http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com) frequently, and having the opportunity to expose your personal struggles to the entire world would be an honor for me as a writer.  I currently live in Iowa but would be willing to relocate specifically for this project, as I feel this is an opportunity that I would regret forever if I did not pursue it to my full capabilities.  As your ghost writer, I would make sure that the struggles you have encountered since exposing the steroid problem in Major League Baseball would be revealed to the reader.  Obviously, I do not know half of what you have had to go through, but I would love to show the public not only your financial and emotional struggles through everything, but also more greatly expose you as a human being with not only sadness but also as a guy with a sense of humor. 

Here are some of the posts about you I have put up recently:
http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com/2010/12/jose-canseco-makes-hits-on-and-off.html
http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com/2010/12/want-to-win-your-fantasy-baseball.html
http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com/2010/11/jose-canseco-needs-hug.html
http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com/2010/11/jose-canseco-needs-moneyand-more-hugs.html

Again, thank you for considering me for this opportunity, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

 
Hott Joe

Obviously, I am not the only one to yearn for a chance to work with such an interesting human being, and although Jose and I have had no direct contact since my e-mail, he did tweet this. 

JoseCanseco Thanks for the hundreds of replys on the ghost writing issues,I am looking over all of them this will be a best seller

I can't wait to get this job, and make enough money to buy some of the exotic art work he is selling.  Although some of you may not see me as a serious candidate, I happened to check my web traffic the day after I sent him my e-mail, and all four of those links were in my Top 10 most read posts that day.  Coincidence?  Highly doubtful.  Jose Canseco reads this blog, and that makes me more interesting than you.

-Joe

P.S.  Yes, I will be sending this link to Jose Canseco's e-mail address.

Lexus Owners Are Awful Parents

As I was catching up on The Millionaire Matchmaker (don't judge me), I saw a commercial that really irritated me.  I've seen it about 150 times, so I'm sure you've seen it too.  A Dad brings his daughter to a tree farm to get a Christmas tree.  Here is the commercial for any of you who are not familiar with this abomination.

So there they are, at the tree farm, and this little girl is desperate for a Christmas tree.  She keeps asking if they can get this one, or that one, or the other one.  When I first saw this, I thought this Dad was going to be awesome and get her a really kickass Christmas tree.  I was overcome with sadness when this exchange happens:

Little Girl:  This one?
Asshole Dad:  Still not big enough.
Little Girl;  But it's the biggest one here.

Then, we jump forward and realize that he did not purchase a Christmas tree, but instead bought his wife a Lexus.  Think about this for a second.  This piece of shit father dragged his little girl to the Christmas Tree farm in the middle of winter, made her freeze her ass off, because she was under the impression that her prick of a Dad would actually get her a fucking Christmas tree.  But no, he just taunts his daughter every time she sees a tree that she wants.  Seriously, look at how sad she is:

What a dick.  He could probably make it up to his daughter if he got her an awesome Christmas present, but he decides against that.  Instead, he uses the money he saved on not purchasing a Christmas tree or anything for his daughter so he can get a Lexus for his wife.  He probably still could have gotten his daughter some decent presents, but he decided to buy lights for his wife to decorate, and an ridiculously large bow for the Lexus. 

So congratulations you awful pieces of shit.  You may have a new Lexus in the family, but child services will be taking away your child within the week.

They gained a car and lost a daughter.  Come to think of it, these Lexus owners might be onto something.  Like they always say, assholes finish first.

-Joe

P.S.  Things that pissed me off about this commercial that I was unable to work into this post:
1.  They already had a goddamned Christmas tree growing in their yard.
2.  His wife was decorating with lights on Christmas morning.  It's a little late for that, you Lexus driving piece of shit.

P.P.S.  The Space Jam website is still in tact from 1996, and it is AWESOME.