I Am Not Classy

This may come as a shock to many of you, but I am not a classy person. I think many people see my dashing good-looks and assume that I am classy, but that is not the case. Now, I certainly wouldn't consider myself white trash, but I am closer to that than I am to being classy. Let's look at the disturbing evidence.

I don't have nice stuff, I have shit that gets me by. A lot of my friends have fancy sports cars, but I don't really need that. Mostly because I'm far more interested in gas mileage than cool points. I have a 1998 Ford Escort. Outside of mysteriously losing coolant and air in one of the tires, it's an amazing vehicle. Yes, it would never win a race against my old T-Racer (actually it probably could since that car is probably sitting in some junkyard right now), but it is efficient and it has traveled across the country with no problems.

A lot of my friends have fancy sunglasses that cost hundreds of dollars. One of them even has a pair that's so fancy that I thought they were made for a lady. When I told him this, he did not take it a compliment, but I don't know anything about fashion, my best shirts say Giant Sunflower Seeds on them. I don't even own a pair of sunglasses, and I don't think I have for the last ten years.

And there's always my bed to talk about. Being in my mid-20s, some would say it's time to get a real bed, but not me, my air mattress is just fine. And if it pops, I just have to stop by Bed, Bath, & Beyond and exchange it for a new one. I've been in Albuquerque for less than three months, and I've already had two beds.

For entertainment, my house has no cable which I am surprised at how little it has affected me. A lot of people have fancy televisions and gaming systems. I have a PS2 that I haven't bought a game for in probably five years. But I do get to play it on my fancy twenty inch Samsung that I have had for nearly fourteen years.

I stopped purchasing books as I just get them from the library right now. Davenport had a surprisingly classy library, but Albuquerque's more fits my classless lifestyle. Still, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to handle reading the latest book that I got, because it has a really funky smell that makes me gag while reading it. Just one of those fun quirks of getting books where homeless people hang out.

I have one go-to pair of jeans and one go-to pair of khaki shorts, I have no idea the last time that either of them were washed.

I not only drink, but prefer Natural Light to other beers.

I also pretend to be a janitor while on the dance floor.

Another thing people do in their mid-20s is find employment. Not me, I'm able to live the unemployment dream because of my lack of classiness. Some would be shamed by living with their parents for two years. Not me. Plus, I always had the excuse that I needed to get home before the street lights come on in case ladies tried to seduce me by feeding me alcohol. Better luck next time ladies.

When it comes to possessions, the only things that I can really use to impress the ladies is an extensive collection of Starting Lineups and Pro Wrestling Action Figures. Wait, girls aren't impressed by those things? Shit. Well, apparently, I have no material possessions that will impress the ladies, I guess I'll just have to use the old fallback of looks and personality. I may not be classy, but at least I'm pretty.

-Joe

P.S. If someone asks you to come over for a JO session, just say no, and run for the hills.