Monday, September 30, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Eric Bischoff vs. Mojo Rawley

It's time for the second round of Karate's greatest ambassador taking on Gronk's best friend. Talk about an exciting matchup.

 Joe’s #1 Eric Bischoff vs. Joe’s #5 Mojo Rawley
Joe: Jonah, please tell me how you could possibly imagine Mojo Rawley beating up the king of karate, Eric Bischoff, and then I’ll tell you why you’re wrong.
Jonah: I think Bischoff can get distracted by Mojo’s between round thrusting easily. Mojo is big and athletic, he could definitely knock out Bischoff with his power. I also know you’re a big fan of Bischoff in these shoot fights for some reason, but I’m pretty sure Mojo can take a 60 year old man’s punches.
Joe: Jonah, big and strong does not equal knockout power. Brock Lesnar might be the strongest person in the world, but he never had knockout power. By sheer force, he rocked some guys, but if the only way he got TKOs was by following up with punches on the ground. 
Here’s the beauty of Brawl for All, it isn’t about how hard you hit; it’s how often you hit as you get points for most punches landed. Karate is the ideal martial art for this as Bischoff will be able to dart in, land a punch or two and then dart out and circle out. Bischoff will have Mojo so confounded with his movement that Easy E is likely to take out his mouthguard in the middle of a round just to flash that ultra arrogant smile at his opponent. Bischoff won’t be close to knocking out Mojo, but he’s the ultimate strategist, and he will make sure that he lands one extra punch in every round to take this decision.
Jonah: Ummm, I’m pretty sure Brock Lesnar broke Heath Herring’s face with his first punch in their fight, it didn’t knock him out, but Heath Herring took eight years off after that fight, so I’m guessing staying awake with a broken face isn’t a big advantage. I have to ask Joe, why do you seem to want to fight strong people so badly? I know you’re a trained fighter and all, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been punched in the face a lot more than you. I prefer the smaller, less strong punches to the bigger stronger punches.
Joe: I don’t think I have ever said that I want to fight anyone, big or small. I would just like to point out that big strong people don’t always hit harder than small people. I’m a man of peace and for the record, am definitely not a trained fighter. I have trained in mixed martial arts, but calling me a fighter is like calling someone who uses a microwave a chef. And Jonah, even though I’m not a fighter, I’m nearly positive that the idea of fighting is to NOT get punched in the face. 
Anyway, Bischoff is somebody that can take advantage of the rules in this tournament. He doesn’t have to hit the better punches, he just has to land more. Mojo could batter and bruise Bischoff, but if Easy E lands more, even if he does zero damage, he wins. With his karate background, he has to be the favorite in this fight.
Jonah: He’s not the favorite in any fight, except inside your head. Fine Bischoff can win, because Mojo sucks anyways.
Joe: Somehow, the improbable Eric Bischoff story continues. He was an improbable first round pick, and is still somehow an improbable Cinderella. Best of both worlds.

Quarterfinals

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Monday, September 23, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Rezar vs. Heath Slater

Round two continues with yet another man who is a wordsmith when it comes to discomfort taking on a good ol' boy with kids.
Joe’s #2 Rezar vs. Jonah’s #3 Heath Slater
Joe: I feel pretty comfortable in Rezar’s chances of taking out Heath Slater. I know Slater has boxing experience, but he won Golden Gloves in West Virginia, so I’m guessing he didn’t have a sober opponent until at least the semifinals, and even in the finals, I doubt his opponent was literate. What I’m saying is that I’m not buying too much into his boxing credentials. They’re better than nothing, but considering Rezar has professional fights on his record, I don’t think he’s going to have much issue with the One Man Band. What are your thoughts?
Jonah: Since when does being literate make you a good fighter? There’s plenty of boxers and MMA fighters who can’t read this article but can murder people with their fists. I do believe that Rezar is the favorite in this fight, but Slater’s no chump. He could stick and move and pull off an upset. Rezar’s the favorite but so was Dr. Death and we all know how that turned out.
Joe: Well, it is true that Floyd Mayweather can’t read, but it’s also true that West Virginia is not known for their acceptance of science, so I have to assume this includes the sweet science. Rezar knows every aspect of fighting and was good enough to do it on a professional level. Golden Gloves sounds nice, and it’s certainly better than nothing, but Rezar can win this with his hands or with takedowns as he’s simply going to overwhelm Slater in this matchup.
Jonah: Health Slater is Bart Gunn and he’s ready to swing for the fences. Should Rezar win? Yeah, better takedowns, and possibly better hands. I mean I can’t really argue that Rezar is a better all around fighter, but things get weird in shoot fighting. There are crazy upsets in the UFC, so having some weird upsets in pretty amateur wrestling and boxing shoot fights isn’t unheard of.
Joe: There are upsets in the UFC, but Heath Slater beating Rezar would like me beating up a Bellator fighter. I love me some me, but my only hope is to run away from them long enough to die of exhaustion. Not a strategy that Slater will be able to deploy in a three-minute fight. So yeah, Rezar puts a beating on Heath, and he does it in front of all of his kids.


Jonah: That strategy would work against at least two Bellator fighters that I can think of off the top of my head, so maybe not the best analogy. Rezar should win and does, but old Slater slips a few punches in.

Quarterfinals
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Monday, September 16, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Akam vs. Shelton Benjamin

Finally, we have made it to the second round where only eight men are still standing. This is a sad one for me as Jonah has both of the guys in this first matchup, and to make matters worse, it's two guys with strong amateur wrestling backgrounds. But it's time to see who will be the first guy to qualify for the semifinals. 
Jonah’s #1 Akam vs. Jonah’s #5 Shelton Benjamin
Jonah: Well this is a pretty good matchup, but Akam has to be the favorite. Benjamin is a hell of a wrestler, but so is Akam. Akam is also younger and bigger. This is kind of like the last round had Jason Jordan been healthy. I think Shelton can hold his own, but Akam is just too good, big and young for Shelton to handle.
Joe: I think Shelton Benjamin is a dangerous matchup for anybody. Yes, he’s older, but he was such a freak of an athlete that he is still more agile that most of the WWE roster. I certainly don’t think Akam has nearly enough to get a takedown on Shelton, so then it’s a matchup of boxing between two guys that don’t appear to have any skills in boxing. Is it really crazy to think Shelton could use his speed to outpunch Akam in this matchup?
Jonah: Look these guys are both my picks so I like both of them, but Akam was a prospect for the 2016 Olympics before he decided to go the pro wrestling route. Shelton Benjamin is awesome, and I love Minnesota, but I would give the wrestling edge to Akam in this matchup. Benjamin is probably a better pure athlete, he’s a freak. I think it’s a really good fight, but I’m still pretty confident Akam wins with wrestling. 
Joe: I don’t think there is a chance in hell that Akam could take down Shelton Benjamin while wearing boxing gloves. But I can’t really say who has the better hands in the fight either. Since these are both your guys, I will defer to you and have Akam move onto the semifinals.

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Tuesday, September 10, 2019

The WWE Is Ruining... Tamina

With the accolades that Tamina has racked up during her time as a WWE Superstar, you would think that she could have made a bigger impact. According to Wikipedia, in 2013, she was named the 19th best female wrestler by Pro Wrestling Illustrated. She has not been ranked since that time, but let’s ignore that fact. 2013 was truly a banner year for her as the Wrestling Observer gave her Survivor Series Match the title for Worst Worked Match of the Year, an incredible accomplishment as 2013 was a strong year for bad matches. And then in 2015, she helped win the title for Worst Feud of the Year with Team BAD vs. PCB vs. Team Bella. When you list it out, it’s hard to find anything Tamina HASN’T done in this business.
For some reason, the one accolade that has eluded her grasp is the Women’s Championship. It’s probably that her big splash from the top rope seems to defy physics as she has a negative vertical jump. She’s really not great at any aspect of professional wrestling. She doesn’t move well, isn’t very technical, and never really said anything meaningful in a promo…
You know what WWE? Keep up the great work.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Akam
Ali
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Big Show
Bo Dallas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Braun Strowman
Brock Lesnar
Carmella
Chad Gable
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Monday, September 9, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Sin Cara vs. Apollo Crews

Round one of Brawl for All is finally coming to an end with today's matchup. Jonah's picks won the first three matchups before my guys won the next four, so now it's time to see if Jonah has the magic to get his fourth winner with his #2 seed taking on a guy who is just really happy to be in the tournament as he generally seems to be happy anywhere.

Jonah’s #2 Sin Cara vs. Joe’s #7 Apollo Crews
Jonah: Sin Cara is the king of backstage fights, he’s a legit tough guy who doesn’t mind scrapping. Apollo Crews is a big athletic dude, but Sin Cara is like Finley, he loves to fight. He’s taking this matchup by first round knockout, sorry Apollo.
Joe: No need to Apollogize. I do think dismissing Apollo out of hand could be a mistake. He went to a military high school, and I know that you love military stuff, Jonah. He played a bunch of sports and got the nickname Uhaa Nation, because his football coach thought he was as strong as an entire nation. 
I will say that Sin Cara must have some skills as I found at least three times he’s been in fights with other wrestlers, and at worst the fights were even as there are no claims of him getting his ass kicked. Is it probably true that he beat up Sheamus, had a draw with Jericho, and got disqualified for illegal coke can to the face against Simon Gotch?
Jonah: Backstage brawls are no DQ so he’s undefeated. Apollo is a great athlete, but never underestimate the advantage that not being afraid to fight and probably enjoying it gives Sin Cara. He knocks out smiling nice guy Apollo.
Joe: Well, first off, I would very much like to underestimate the advantage of not being afraid to fight, because it is about as minuscule as something can be, especially in a controlled environment. Most great UFC fighters admit that they are scared when they enter the cage, because that’s a normal human reaction. Fighting is not about sprinting forward and throwing haymakers until somebody drops unless the two people fighting are really, really bad at it. 
Secondly, yeah, I am fine with giving Sin Cara the edge in this one, but I will say it goes the distance since it’s not easy to knock a coordinated person out (sucker punches excepted). I know Bart Gunn did it a lot in the original but SO MUCH MORE is known about fighting these days that most guys will be smart enough to fight with some semblance of defense in this tournament.
Jonah: OK fine it goes the distance, I don’t mean fighting in terms of just moving forward, I mean kind of liking to fight. Someone who’s Sin Cara’s size who doesn’t mind fighting much larger people means he knows what he’s doing.
Joe: It does not mean that. There are plenty of people that are always willing to fight who monumentally suck at it.
Jonah: True, but he’s constantly winning against fellow pro wrestlers, he knows how to fight.
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Tuesday, September 3, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Chad Gable vs. Titus O'Neil

Today, we move on to another fascinating matchup where a former football player comes in with a size advantage, but as Marcus Stroman has taught us, Height Don't Measure Heart, especially when the smaller man has an Olympic Wrestling background.

Joe’s #3 Chad Gable vs. Jonah’s #6 Titus O’Neil
Joe: This is going to be a takedown clinic, and although Titus O’Neil in his physical prime may have had enough athleticism to make this interesting, at this point, Gable is going to maul his way to the inside and continually score points by putting him to his back.
Jonah: Titus is constantly referred to as one of the strongest people in the WWE. He’s a huge guy and played high level college football so his athleticism is no joke. Unfortunately, Joe is right, and Gable is a takedown machine. I doubt Titus would be able to stop them effectively, so he’s got a puncher’s chance and that’s pretty much it. If he does connect though, it’s going to hurt like hell.
Joe: Yeah, I don’t equate strength with powerful punches. I’m probably as strong as Gennady Golovkin, but that dude could knock somebody’s head off, and it would take a small miracle for me to knock someone out with one punch. I think even the threat of the one punch knockout is overestimated here, and yeah, this is just a really bad matchup for Titus, so unless you have anything to add, we can make this quick and move Chad Gable to the quarterfinals.
Jonah: I will agree that Gable should win due to takedowns, but Titus is huge and athletic, I wouldn’t want to get punched by him.
Joe: I mean, I wouldn’t want to get punched by anybody. I have a five-month-old, and if he gets his knuckles across my face right, it is not a pleasant experience. I will assume that Titus punches about that hard, which will not be enough to stop the takedown machine, Chad Gable.
Jonah: Gable wins on takedowns, but you probably shouldn’t pick a fight with Titus O Neil anytime soon.

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Monday, September 2, 2019

The WWE Is Ruining... Ronda Rousey

When you look at Ronda Rousey, it’s pretty easy to dislike her. She just looks like somebody who would have primitive views on transgender people and probably question whether Sandy Hook actually happened. It turns out both of those things are correct, so yeah, Ronda Rousey is likely a garbage person, but this is pro wrestling, so you can still utilize someone’s skills even if they really shouldn’t be allowed to interact with humans in any way, shape, or form.

So she’s a hate-filled moron. When she comes back, let’s just really go full bore, and have her fully be that person. I basically want her to be female Brock Lesnar, but give her a bunch of time on the microphone, because telling her to say words out loud is a recipe for people to learn to hate her.

Unlike Rousey, Brock has a bit of bully charm, and I think that’s due to the fact that this man has no idea what is going on in the world. Brock can’t have controversial takes on news stories, because he doesn’t know that Sandy Hook even happened. If he heard about transgender people, he would call them “Manladies,” chuckle to himself and move on. I'm not saying that's a great reaction, but he wouldn’t be for or against them; he would immediately forget that they even existed. Ronda Rousey is the female Lesnar with negative charm, and I want the WWE to just let the world hate her as much as anyone who knows how to Google already does.

Have her go on a blonde killing spree where she takes out Natalya, Dana Brooke, Liv Morgan, Lana, Mandy Rose, maybe Carmella and Alicia Fox, and Lacey Evans (just leave our precious Alexa Bliss alone). That would be great for everyone involved. Then, when she says she has gone through all the blondes, and everyone is expecting Charlotte to come out and take her out, instead it’s Sasha Banks’s music, and she now has blonde hair instead of blue, making her the Queen of the Blondes when she annihilates Rousey.

And then drop Rousey off at the dump, because she's a garbage person.


Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Akam
Ali
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Big Show
Bo Dallas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Braun Strowman
Brock Lesnar
Carmella
Chad Gable
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