A Man's Guide To "The Nutcracker"

Since I am a man of great substance and culture, I went to the ballet over the weekend. Now many out there may call me a Nancy Boy for this action, but, um...shit, I was really hoping to have a comeback for that. Anyway, going to the ballet is a good way to impress a lady, so it's maybe, kind of, somewhat justifiable. 

I sat there intently as I actually learned many things from "The Nutcracker." It would be a disservice to the world if I kept these things to myself, so today, I would like to share my thoughts so that other men will know what they are in store for when going to "The Nutcracker." 

My only experience with ballet up to this point was the Saved By The Bell where the guys filled in at the last second so they wouldn't have to cancel things. Obviously, like all things SBTB, hilarity ensued. Screech dressed up like a giant bird, but everybody else was in leotards. Because of this, I assumed everyone would be in identical leotards throughout every ballet. Looking back, I realize this was not my most sophisticated thought, but this is what happens when your only point of reference is SBTB. I also can't stop time by saying "Timeout" which is another thing I found out the hard way. So although there are some leotards, there's a lot more variety than that.

Now onto the actual ballet. The first thing that will piss you off at the ballet (at least this performance) was that the ballerinas were mouthing words but not saying anything. If you are going to mouth things, you might as well just say it, because we have the technology for people to be heard. Either do a better job of acting, or just say that you want to punch your sister in the throat. 

The plot starts with a party where all these greedy kids want presents. They don't get presents for a while, until a magician comes along. The reason I believe he is a magician is that he wore a cape with lining on the inside that looked like a quilt. He didn't do any magic, but he did give presents from a giant treasure chest. Not only did his presents suck (half of them were just giant candy canes), but he only gave presents to like 40% of the kids. What an asshole.

Finally, he gives this girl a Nutcracker. Yep, that is another shitty present, but she's excited, so maybe she has some form of mental retardation. Immediately, two other kids break the thing. It gets fixed really poorly by The Magician, and then without explanation, it shows up again, and it's back to normal. 

The girl then dances around rat children for a while for no apparent reason. Then she puts her nutcracker in a magic shed, and he turns into a human-sized nutcracker, which is goddamned terrifying. Seriously, imagine this thing as a human coming at you:

Fuck that. There is no toy in the world that looks more like a rapist than this one. So I'm thinking this thing needs to be killed, and luckily there is a Rat King out there who is pulling this girl in because I think he wants to eat her for strength. I'm still rooting for the Rat King, because he kind of reminds me of Master Splinter, and I will cheer for anything that will kill this life-sized Nutcracker. Rat King and Nuts (my nickname for Nutcracker) get in a sword fight and Rat King basically owns him. Nuts plays dead like a total bitch, and when Rat King turns his back, he stabs him in the back. So now the rat children who I assume to be a lot like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have nobody to teach them ways to kill Nuts, so they mourn and disappear forever.

Afterwards, Nuts turns into a regular human, and they dance around a lot until intermission.

A lot of things happened before intermission, which is good, because very little, and I mean practically nothing happens plot-wise in the second half of this. It's really just a bunch of dancing in the second half. I couldn't even make up a coherent plotline from the dancing, because it looked like someone with ADD decided to have a dance party, but no theme for the dance party, so people just take turns showing off their moves.

The highlight of the second half was this dude who kept almost hitting wrestling moves on his lady dance partner. He nearly nailed her with a piledriver, but chose not to. Then he had her up for the torture rack, but decided against it. Finally, as he went off stage, he had her up for a Razor's Edge, so I'll just assume that he put her through a table with that one, but it was too gruesome for the children in the audience to watch.

And then anywhere from one to eight people take turns dancing, and the crowd applauds everything. It's absolutely outrageous. If this were a basketball game, they would applaud every time someone dribbled without turning the ball over. Ballet crowds are extremely easy to please. 

And really, that's all that happened in the second half. Lots of dancing. Eventually, our nightmare ends when Nuts turns back into his original nutcracking form, and the ballerinas proceed to bow for a good five minutes. 

Although I would not recommend "The Nutcracker" to other men, I will say that the ballet and I have two things in common. We can be completely ridiculous, and chicks dig us. 

Now please stop calling me a Nancy Boy.

-Joe

P.S. To masculine up this post, here is a picture from @Si_Vault of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T:

I'm not sure what's most ridiculous: The weight belts? Hulk's socks? Mr. T's shoes? I'd probably go with the weight belts. That look definitely needs to come back.

4 Ways To Improve College Wrestling

First off, let me just say that I love college wrestling. I believe Folkstyle is by far the most exciting and has the most intelligent rules of any form of wrestling out there. The only thing against folkstyle wrestling is that it is not in the Olympics. This hurts Team USA in international competition, because the best wrestlers in other countries spend their entire lives focusing on Greco and Freestyle wrestling, while our wrestlers focus on a hybrid of both in Folkstyle. But seriously, college wrestling is awesome. But as with all things awesome, it could use some improvements to help the sport grow.

1. Education 
Let's face it, most sports fans are morons, and wrestling is a sport full of nuance. It's easy to understand a guy running across the goal line or shooting a ball in a basket. It's a little harder to describe what constitutes a takedown. I really like most wrestling announcers as they are usually on point with their descriptions of matches, but if I was in charge, I would piss off wrestling fans and tell them to dumb it down. I think announcers need to describe why there are points and why there aren't being points given any time the situation arises. This will obviously annoy wrestling fans, as any junior high wrestler can understand the sport, but wrestling fans will stick around either way, and college wrestling needs to do a better job of drawing new fans in.

Also, this needs to be stressed. Over about two hours, with an intermission, a person will see about 70 minutes of wrestling. Basketball plays 48 for about 2.5 hours, and football gets takes over three hours for 60 minutes of football. The only mainstream sport that compares is soccer, and wrestling is not a sport filled with flopping nancy boys.

2. Exposure 
ESPN, I know we have had our differences, but if you could do me a solid on this one, it would be greatly appreciated. Showing 4-5 Friday Night/Sunday Afternoon duals a year is definitely worth it. Amateur athletics is only growing in popularity, the College World Series, which very few people used to care about is now a very large summer event for ESPN. Showing a few top-notch duals would be cheap to produce and should at least get solid ratings. Iowa-Penn State, Iowa-Minnesota, and Iowa-Oklahoma State would all be worth of a national television audience. And that may seem like I have a horrible bias towards Iowa, but people know Iowa wrestling, so whether people love them or hate them, Iowa is a team that will get a casual sports viewer to tune in. Even AC Slater wanted to go to Iowa:

Plus, the rise of popularity of the UFC makes college wrestlers much more interesting since they are the closest thing to MMA prospects out there. ESPN needs to use that and always show highlights from former college wrestlers, whether it's Cain Velasquez, King Mo, Brock Lesnar, or even Dolph Ziggler. Stress that the wrestlers competing could be the next stars of the UFC or even the WWE.

Also, note to Big Ten Network: Wrestling gets your third highest ratings behind football and basketball, show more meets.

3. Adapt The Rules
The people in charge of college wrestling have done a fantastic job of helping the sport these last few years. They have made major changes to overtime, and this year they are going to be more aggressive on stalling calls as well as letting an opponent pick the starting position after someone takes an injury timeout. These are fantastic changes as less stalling means more action, and wrestlers will stop faking injuries to catch their breath in the middle of a match.

Another change I would like to see is them adapting a rule from freestyle wrestling where a wrestler receives a point for forcing his opponent out of bounds. This would cut down on wrestlers hanging out with their back near the outside circle, so they can just get out of bounds when someone shoots in for a takedown. It is really just another way for them to force action, which will help the sport overall.

4. Eliminate Bad Decisions
What happened in yesterday's Iowa-Iowa State duel was a travesty, and it's those kind of decisions that hurt the entire sport of wrestling. People might think that a decision in a meet that is only shown to Mediacom subscribers in the state of Iowa is not that big of a deal, but it definitely is. Despite it only being available to those select few people, it will still probably be one of the ten most watched wrestling meets this year.

For those who didn't watch (definitely most of you, possibly all of you), Iowa's Vinnie Wagner had just taken down Iowa State's Boaz Beard to tie the match at 9-9. They went out of bounds, and Beard had 1:12 of riding time with 13 seconds left on the clock. Since a wrestler needs a minute of riding time to receive a point at the end of the match, it looked like all Wagner had to do was ride Beard out for the remaining 13 seconds to force overtime as Beard would be left with just 59 seconds of riding time. Beard struggled to get out from under Wagner but was unable to do so and the horn sounded signaling that overtime would follow. This is what EVERYONE thought was going to happen.

Iowa State's coach, Kevin Jackson, argued that there should somehow be a minute of riding time, you know, because in Ames, 12 comes after 13. This is where things got crazy, as he actually WON the argument. The match ended 10-9 with no overtime period. The claim was that there were actually only 12.3 seconds left on the clock, but there are no decimals of seconds on a wrestling clock, while the wrestler had 12.5 seconds of riding time, hence giving him 1:00.2 seconds of riding time.

Even in Ames, the boos far outweighed the cheers for the decision, and Iowa's coaching staff understandably was very upset and had to have some of the coaches hold back other coaches to avoid being penalized another team point. Kevin Jackson remarked to the ref, "They can't be acting like that," and that just shows that he doesn't get it. He and the refs were the ones that were at fault there. Jackson cannot look to take a victory like that, and the ref needs to do what is best for the sport in that situation. Both wrestlers were of the understanding that Wagner needed to hold him down for overtime, and Beard needed to escape for the win. They wrestled as such, and Wagner did what he needed to do to force overtime. The refs need to let the wrestlers decide the winner, not a technicality on the clock. Honestly, it was probably the most entertaining match of the meet from start to finish, so I have absolutely no ill will towards Beard, because him and Wagner both wrestled a hell of an entertaining match.

But it's decisions like this that turn people off from, not only wrestling, but any sport. It's the type of decision where a casual fan walks away and says, "That was stupid. Why would I want to watch this again." Earlier in the meet (I believe it was about a lack of stalling calls), Tom Brands said, "You're setting the sport back." His words rang more true after the ref's decision in this matter as it truly is setting the sport back.

Still, Terry Brands summed it up the best when he said, "Only in Ames, Iowa."

I couldn't agree more.

-Joe

P.S. For some reason, I don't see these autograph sessions happening in Iowa anytime soon, but Steve Alford is still a legend in Indiana:

The Ultimate Fighter Finale Preview

I really haven't written anything about Mixed Martial Arts in quite a while, but I was inspired by the recent season of The Ultimate Fighter, so I figured I would share my thoughts with the world. Let's go over the Ultimate Fighter finals as well as the coaches fight.

Bantamweight Final: John Dodson vs. T.J. Dillashaw
Not gonna lie, I'm horribly biased in my prediction for this fight. Dodson was one of my main coaches when I trained at Jackson's, and not only is he an awesome coach to have, he's also just a really good guy. Although the conditioning we did on Thursdays sometimes bordered on cruel and unusual punishment, it definitely helped me get in, by far, the best shape of my life.

As for real analysis of the fight, Dodson has most of the advantages. I don't think Dillashaw wants to stand with him for very long periods of time, so he is going to try to take the fight to the ground. From what I have seen, and because of his size advantage, Dillashaw is probably the better wrestler, but Dodson is incredibly hard to take down, and as people have seen on The Ultimate Fighter, he is even tougher to keep down.

I think the fight is going to end up a lot like the Johnny Bedford fight in the final episode. I think Dillashaw will get a takedown; I think Dodson will get up, and I think Dodson will TKO him in the second round.

Dodson by TKO - Second Round

Featherweight Final: Diego Brando vs. Dennis Bermudez
I am less biased in this one, but admittedly, still biased. Diego also trains at Jackson's, and if you saw the show, it's a pretty accurate portrayal of him. He's a real nice guy for the most part, but if you get on his bad side, he will destroy you. I only had a few interactions with him, and luckily, always remained on his good side.

In the fight, I really have trouble seeing Bermudez win this in any way. His only hope is to take Diego down and pull a lay and pray for three rounds. Not only is it going to be difficult to do, but Brandao has really good jiu-jitsu, so even on the ground, he could finish the fight. I don't think Bermudez gets it there, and this fight ends like all of Diego's other fights, first round knockout.

Brandao by KO - First Round

Michael Bisping vs. Jason "Mayhem" Miller
No bias in this fight. Miller has always been solid, but he has never shown any elite skills. Bisping also isn't a guy with a lot of "wow" factor in his game, but he's really good everywhere. Although I dislike Bisping, I think he probably wins this fight, although I will definitely be rooting for Mayhem, because I'm American.

Bisping by Decision

-Joe

P.S. The Post Script has slowly turned into an advertisement for the Twitter handle of @si_vault, but when they post awesome things like a picture of Michael Jackson and Bo Jackson throwing a football together, it's really tough to not share it with the world.

That's just...perfect.

Why Tim Tebow Is Successful

Since I'm cynical, everyone assumes that I hate Tim Tebow. I don't. I actually like Tim Tebow. Although I think the abortion commercial during the Super Bowl was kind of douchey (because as everyone knows, puppies are way better than babies), it's his belief, and it's not like it was much worse than most of the other commercials aired during the Super Bowl (If someone made a video of the Finance Baby [no clue which finance place he works for] biting the curb, it would probably make my year).

So there are the people who hate Tebow, and the people that love Tebow. Some want to give him all the credit for the Broncos success, while others want to give him none of the credit. The answer, as anyone with half a brain could guess (obviously this is too much for ESPN employees), lies somewhere in between. The most simple explanation is that this is the perfect situation for Tebow to be successful at this moment in his career.

The first key to his success has been his defense. They have been excellent, and it has kept the Tebow-led offense in the games.

After that, give credit to Tebow for limiting turnovers. He has only thrown one interception this season, and the defense is successful, because they are not put in terrible spots. Tebow throws some ugly balls, but his balls are uncatchable for anyone instead of rocketing a pass into a defender's chest.

Also, and most importantly, the Tebow-led offense wears teams down. Defenses have to work harder than offenses. And running will wear a defense down more than passing the ball, because the offensive line is attacking as opposed to being the passive protectors. If you can manage to constantly run, the defense will not be in top form by the end of the game. Because the defense keeps games close, the offense really is peaking at the end of the game. It's not that Tebow has mystical game-winning powers, it's that the offense is fresher than the defense and they are taking advantage of that at the end of games. If there were five quarters in a game, I have no doubt that the Denver offense could dominate that as well.

Finally, credit where credit is due, Tim Tebow is a great leader. Let's face it, it is far easier to work hard for a leader who is busting his ass more than anybody else than it is for a guy who is doing just enough to get by. I've been in both situations, and I know that I am able to raise my game when I am following someone who is busting his ass as opposed to a lazy piece of shit. It works the same in the NFL. Tebow busts his ass, and his teammates are following his lead. This does matter.


Is this a sustainable strategy for success? Probably not. They haven't run into great teams, and when they played a good team like the Lions, they got their asses handed to them. But that doesn't mean Tebow will not be successful in the NFL. I think he should have a lot of success in the future. He is completing 45% of his passes in the NFL. This is atrociously bad, and also really surprising. Yes, there were questions about him being a quarterback in the NFL, but the questions were about his slow delivery and not having enough zip on his passes. His accuracy, although not great, was seen as fine for NFL standards. He never completed less than 64% of his passes and was above 70% his senior year. If I just give him a modest upgrade to 55%, it makes him a far more dangerous passer when it is combined with his running ability.

Will he win a Super Bowl? Hell, I don't know, and nobody does. If someone from the future told me that Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers would not win another Super Bowl, it wouldn't shock me. It's really tough to win a Super Bowl, only one team does it in any given year.

A more realistic question is whether Tim Tebow can be successful as an NFL quarterback. And with his skillset combined with his work ethic, I certainly wouldn't doubt it.

-Joe

P.S. Here is an interview with the most exciting player in the NBA, Derrick Rose. 66-0 is a very real possibility this year.

Let's Look At The B1G

The B1G is pretty deep, but has no elite teams. Wisconsin is the best team. They don't always play like the best team. There are three weeks left in the season, and there are seven teams that could still win the B1G. Wisconsin, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, Nebraska, Ohio State, and even Iowa has a shot at claiming the inaugural title. None of these teams are great, and if they get matched up with anybody outside of the Big East Champion (and possibly the ACC), they will be a heavy underdog in their BCS game.

Brady Hoke is not comfortable with Denard Robinson as his quarterback. But he's still trying to design an offense that is giving him a good chance to succeed. Hoke clearly wants a pro-style offense, but he has compromised to help Denard be successful to give his team the best chance to win. Brady Hoke has a history of success. He succeeded at Ball State, he succeeded at San Diego State, and now the guy is going to succeed at Michigan. Let's face it, Ohio State is on a downward trend, Penn State rapes kids instead of opponents, and I still think Nebraska is garbage. Michigan is the one team with a great legacy on the upswing, and I wouldn't be surprised if they had an Ohio State like run in the B1G in the next few years.

Contrast that with what the Hawkeyes defense is doing under Norm Parker. Look, I love Norm, and he's a fantastic teacher of his defense. But his steadfast refusal to adapt to the talent that the Hawkeyes have on hand has been aggravating this season. The Hawkeyes most talented position is cornerback. Their least talented position is the defensive line. Despite this, the Hawkeyes run a defense that depends on the defensive line creating pressure with the defensive backfield has constant help over the top. Yes, the Hawkeyes rarely get beat deep, but the opposing quarterback has so much time to sit in the pocket that he can eventually pick the defense apart with underneath routes. With the lack of pressure the front four is able to generate, Iowa needs to be willing to call more blitzes and let teams try and test their corners. Iowa could win out and go to the B1G Championship, but only if they stop letting teams attack their weakness and start forcing teams to attack their strength.

And then we have Penn State. Doesn't Penn State piss you off? They do not appear to be a good football team in any way, but they just keep on winning. I now know why everyone hated the 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes so much. They just kept pulling games out of their asses, much like Penn State is doing this season. I'd say Iowa had a stronger quarterback, even with the Rick Sixes, while Penn State has the stronger running game with Silas Redd. But the defenses are pretty damn even. 2011 Penn State is 2009 Iowa...except with more child rapings.

-Joe

P.S. This tweet made me incredibly happy:

@BradBiggs Brad Biggs

Also, was terrific seeing pro wrestling star Gene Snitsky outside #Bears locker room. Dave Toub was his strength coach at Mizzou.

P.P.S. This video also made me incredibly happy:

Jose Canseco Is Celebrity Boxing Again

As the totally unofficial blog of Jose Canseco, I feel like I need to address the fact that Jose Canseco is getting back in the boxing ring for the first time since his switcheroo boxing controversy, and this time it's going to include MORE Jose Canseco (since last time it included zero Jose Canseco). 

Now, honestly, Jose Canseco's celebrity boxing doesn't interest me all that much. I have known about it for weeks (although he did get a new opponent a few days ago), but it didn't really seem noteworthy to me. But the major sports blogs have been covering it, so I figured I should add a little bit to the conversation.

In his past fighting efforts, Jose has has mixed results, and that mixture has been mostly losses and draws, so I don't think he's quite ready to challenge a Klitschko. But this time, he's got a fight against noneother than Lenny Dykstra. Fomer MLB player, turned financial genius, turned financial idiot, turned awful Dad who wasted his son's signing bonus, turned criminal. As Stone Cold Steve Austin would say, "OH, HELL YEAH!"

Honestly, this match probably won't be entertaining on the face of it, but it does still have entertainment potential. If Jose can obliterate Dykstra, expect hilariously arrogant tweets about it. At the same time, a loss could produce much more hilarious sad tweets from Jose. Jose's sad tweets are comedy gold.

So even though I love Jose Canseco, I'm not so much rooting for him as much as I'm rooting for one of these guys to get their asses kicked. Jose's tweets have been yawn-inducing lately as the best thing he has posted has been a picture of dogs together.

So come on Jose. Stop censoring yourself, and have an impactful fight this weekend. Twitter needs you.

-Joe

P.S. And here is a slideshow during the time that Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau lived together.

Take This With A Grain of Salt

Shortest blog post ever today: You know the expression, take this with a grain of salt? I have seen people misusing this saying and sayings like it lately. It does not make your topic less important if you put take this with a thousand truckloads of salt. It's not that salt is bad in this saying, it's that the importance of a grain of salt is meaningless, but a lot of salt would be meaningful. When trying to emphasize your point, it would make more sense to say take this with a thousandth of a grain of salt. That would make sense, but it would make you sound like a pretentious prick, so really, just stick with the classic saying, you're not going to improve on it.

Thank you for your time.

-Joe

P.S. Mark Gormley rocks.

A Pessimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

Somehow The Hawkeyes have looked worse than this.

Optimism is for suckers. Yesterday, a positive outlook on the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes was posted on this blog. I am here to tell you that the person who wrote that is delusional, because the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are terrible. They have a zero percent chance of winning another game this year.

Listen, if you're a Hawkeyes fan, your life is terrible, and it's only going to get worse. You have a good family? You were probably adopted. You love your girlfriend? She'll dump you soon. There's good comedies on TV? They'll probably be replaced by syndicated episodes of How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory. And you'll always have Natty Light? They'll probably be bought out by some shit beer company like Sam Adams and turned into some awful tasting micro brew. And don't expect the Hawkeyes to get better, because they are so awful that they might get kicked out of the B1G to join some second-rate conference like the Big 12.

Seriously, take a look at these losses.

Iowa @ Iowa State
God hates me and my entire family. My family has attended three schools that Iowa State has played this year, and Iowa State is 3-0 against those schools, and 1-4 against everybody else.  Iowa, Northern Iowa, and Texas Tech somehow can't beat these pieces of shit, but Baylor will put a hurtin' on them. But unlike Northern Iowa and Texas Tech, Iowa should have been a good football team. Now they'll be lucky to win another game this decade.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive. Are you fucking kidding me?

Iowa @ Minnesota State
Okay, with a coach like Hayden Fox having help from Luther and Dobber, yeah, Minnesota State is not going to be an easy team to beat. That's a quality loss...wait, what? You're joking, right? We lost to regular Minnesota? Haven't they been outscored like a billion to seven this season? And they won? Oh, Christ, burn down Kinnick Stadium, we no longer deserve football.

And shit doesn't get better as the season goes on.

Michigan - Expect the Hawkeyes to get Denarded.

Michigan State - That overrated piece of shit Kirk Cousins will mesmerize the Hawkeyes with his crystal blue eyes and give all the sports pundits reason to nut all over themselves with how great of a leader he is.

Purdue - They're good enough to beat Minnesota, which is more than Iowa can say.

Nebraska - This isn't going to be a rivalry, it's going to be a snuff film.

Seriously, Hawkeye fans, don't get your hopes up. This season is over. Next season is over, and after that, they will probably disband the football team to focus on their Club Lacrosse team. Life sucks.

-Joe

P.S. Okay, so not even I can be completely negative. Steel Panther's album drops today. And I cannot wait for Tomorrow Night (by the way, there is nothing safe for work about this video).

An Optimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

So the Hawkeyes lost to Minnesota yesterday, and that's a bummer. But put away the rat poison, Hawkeye fans, this is not the end of the world for the Hawkeyes. There are so many things to live for: Friends, family, episodes of Workaholics and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Natural Light, and yes, even the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes.

Wait, what? The 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes stink at football in your opinion? I guess I could see how you would think that. But I've got great news...the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are still going to go to a BCS game this season. How is that possible? Well, before we look into the future, we must first take a look at the past.

Iowa @ Iowa State
Remember this game? I bet you were super bummed out when the game ended. I know I sure was, but then I realized that despite not playing all that well, it very much appeared that the Hawkeyes tried that day. So that was nice. The gods were against the Hawkeyes on this day, as Steele Jantz, who is only slightly better than Rob Bolden (who we'll get to later) made a deal with Satan to beat the Hawkeyes. Yes, Steele, you may have gotten the win, but I know the Hawkeyes will win the war as all of your children are cursed to be eunuchs.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive in this game. Literally, every bounce went Penn State's way in the first half. Sometimes them's the breaks. Iowa is the better team, and I am sure they will show that to their future opponents.

Iowa @ Minnesota
Wow, I did not see this one coming. And neither did the Hawkeyes. Whoopsies! A surprise onside kick? Shoot, that was a good call Mr. Kill. The bounces did not seem to go the Hawkeyes way at all in this one. But at least Kirk went for it on fourth down. That's progress.

And progress is what we will need as the Hawkeyes take out every one of their remaining opponents. How can a team that lost to Minnesota and Iowa State beat respectable teams? That's easy, with Loyalty, Heart, Horniness, and Respect, and the Hawkeyes have those in abundance.

Loyalty will defeat Michigan next weekend. They had no loyalty towards Lloyd Carr, and then none for Rich Rodriguez. I expect Brady Hoke to be fired by the end of the first half and replaced by Hugh Jackman, since he plays Wolverine in movies. WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Heart will defeat Michigan State. Their coach had a heart attack, which means that his entire team has a weak heart. Expect a triple bypass sometime in the second quarter. That's right, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Horniness will help the Hawkeyes slay Purdue. How will horniness do this? Well, if there's one thing that all Hawkeyes love to do, it's beat up the bush. In this case, it will be Caleb TerBush, who will be on the ground nonstop as the Hawkeyes beat it up. Three in a row, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Respect will defeat Nebraska. Have you seen those Pelinis yell at refs? Not very respectful at all. Expect the refs to eject half of the Cornhuskers as Iowa destroys them by 50 points. ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

After that, it's up in the air on who the Hawks will play, but tattoos will be their downfall. Ohio State? They lack moral fiber as they have both scandals AND tattoos. Wisconsin? Bielema's got a Hawkeye tattoo, and he paid for it with his brain. And Penn State? Little known fact about Joe Paterno, after last year's loss to the Hawkeyes, he got a tattoo on his caboose that just said "Ferentz's", because Kirk owns that ass. Sounds like ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Yeah, the Hawks have had some bad luck this year, but a BCS game is not only a possibility, it's the Hawkeyes destiny. Cheer up Hawks, and I'll see you at DC's next Saturday.

-Joe

P.S. For all the ladies out there who live, laugh, and love, read this (H/T Devlin).

The Falsities of College Football

Today, I perform a public service announcement. I am going to let you know about all the lies that are being spread by the national pundits. I figured I would at least give one note on every BCS Conference, although some things will be handled in more depth than others. So sit back, read on, and learn a few things about college football; it'll help you impress the ladies.


Marcus Coker Turned His Season Around During the Northwestern Game
No, he did it during the Penn State game. It's just that Penn State's defense is really good, and people like to judge running backs by their stats. But if you saw him run during that game, you saw the Coker that has been so obviously there during Iowa's last two games. He ran hard and was always falling forward. That is what the Hawkeyes need from Coker, and it all started against Penn State, not Northwestern.

The Big East Isn't a Giant Mess of Hot Garbage.
No, it is. Seriously, if the Conference USA and Mountain West can form a super conference, then the Big East should join with the MAC to create one giant mess of hot garbage. I don't understand how this is a BCS Conference.

Kirk Cousins is Such a Great Quarterback
False. This is so very untrue it is painful anytime I hear it. Does Kirk Cousins give nice speeches? Yes. Does he have crystal blue eyes? Yes, he definitely does. I cannot take either of these things away from him. Unfortunately, neither of these things matter when it comes to judging quarterbacks. He has looked awful this entire season. He makes bad decisions, he has bad ball placement, and overall, I do not trust him in any facet of the game. Was he 22/31 for 290 yards and 3 TDs against Wisconsin? Yes, and Wisconsin's defense is not good in any way. I was listening to the Solid Verbal podcast, and they made an excellent point about the final drive for Michigan State against Wisconsin. Kirk Cousins didn't look like a savvy leader rallying his troops; he looked terrified. Kirk Cousins did not win that game, special teams won that game.

Oklahoma State is the Team to Beat in the Big 12
Sorry OSU, but it's still Oklahoma. I know they have already lost a game in a pathetic effort against Texas Tech. But they are still the best team in the conference. They lost for one simple reason: No Tom Wort. Now most people don't see Wort as their best linebacker, and honestly, he's not, but he is their most ULTIMATE linebacker.

The Ultimate Warrior and him have a love affair going on, and with the power of the Ultimate Warrior behind the Sooners, they are basically an unstoppable force.

LSU Will Beat Alabama - Alabama Will Beat LSU
Anybody who is saying this definitively is out of their mind. Obviously one of these groups will be right, but that doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. It means they made the right guess. It is going to be a very good game, so don't act like you know what's going to happen. Just sit back and enjoy some good football.

Suck For Luck 
This has more to do with professional teams, but it does involve a college player in Andrew Luck, so I figured it would fit. No NFL team is sucking for Luck. I was on the Luck bandwagon after his Freshman year, because he's really, really good, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that. He is BY FAR the best quarterback prospect to come out of college in the last decade.

What people don't understand is that this doesn't mean he is going to come into the league and be a top-five quarterback. In fact, I will be very surprised if he does anywhere near as well as Cam Newton has done so far. Does that make Cam Newton a better QB? No, not in my opinion. Cam Newton has a unique skillset, and that will take NFL Defenses time to adjust to it, and because of that, I think Newton will struggle more as this season goes on.

Um, yeah, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, sucking for Luck. It makes no sense for a player to not try so they can get the first pick in the draft, because they might get replaced if they don't perform. It makes no sense for coaches to lose on purpose, because they will lose their job. Nobody is sucking for Luck.

And next year, nobody will be Losing More For Lattimore (And if I hear that expression next year, I will probably start cutting myself).

-Joe

P.S. Let's see how Jose Canseco is doing:
@JoseCanseco
Maybe I was the babe Ruth of the 80's
Just as I suspected, he's still doing great.

The Only Problem With Natural Light

I have always known that nobody is perfect, but now it seems that nothing in this world is perfect. The closest thing to perfection, without a doubt, is Natrual Light. It goes down like water, it's cheap, it screams party, and it is always reliable to get you drunk, but never wasted.

Unfortunately, that first point is actually a flaw. Before all you beer snobs think that a beer with little taste is a bad thing, it's not, so you can shove your fancy beers up your ass and hope your bidet can clean things out for you. With that being said, Natural Light may be a little too close to water.

See, I'm a man in my mid-late twenties (I refuse to classify 27 as late 20s, although 28 means it's probably time for a nursing home...until I turn 28, and then 28 will be young again), so when I drink all day and all night, it leads to hangovers. The best thing for a hangover is chocolate milk, trust me on that, but if I'm not in the mood for that, I like to replenish myself with the classic cure of water.

Alcohol, which Natural Light contains, is a poison, and my body recognizes that. My body has a short-term memory, so it never tries to tell me to stop while I am poisoning it, but if I try to repoison it, my body tries to reject that. So, what I have learned is that water is extremely hard to drink after a Natty Light hangover due to the fact that my body thinks I am repoisoning it. I am trying to help my body, but my body makes water, which has no flavor, taste bad to my mind. My body can literally not tell the difference between water and Natural Light. This is not fun, because the rehydration process is not easy without water, so my hangovers last much longer than they did in my youthful days. As an advocate for Natural Light, it was depressing to discover its incorrectable flaw.

So, that leads us to this very difficult question. Am I done drinking Natural Light?

The answer...

Fuck no. I'm just done drinking water when I'm hungover. A person can die without water, but a person has no reason to live without Natural Light.

-Joe

P.S. I'm not sure what the most shocking thing is in this article about Hawkeyes Cornerback B.J. Lowery. That his name is Fernando, or that B.J. stands for Boots Junior. Although, I would like to now think that every B.J. is referring to Boots Junior. I remember Hawkeye and Chicago Bulls legend, Boots Junior Armstrong, and you see that chick over there in the corner, I wouldn't mind if she gave me a Boots Junior.

Al Davis Was More Inspirational Than Steve Jobs

I learned something very interesting this past week. It seems like half the people I know had some sort of personal relationship with Steve Jobs. This was amazing, because I wouldn't think that a billionaire would have that many friends in common with me, but apparently I was wrong. All over Twitter, Facebook, and even Black Planet, people mourned the loss of Steve Jobs. I, unlike most of the people I know, did not have a personal relationship with Steve Jobs. I'm pretty sure that he started Apple, but I have never felt the urge to thank him for that. I thanked him with my money when I bought my one Apple product, an iPod Nano. I am happy with this purchase as we have spent nearly two years ago, and it works almost all the time despite me repeatedly dropping it over these past two years. It's obviously bad that he died, and especially since he died at a younger age than the average American, but outside of the two minutes I have spent writing this paragraph, it has had no real effect on my life.

On the other hand, I was saddened to see a true legend die when Oakland Raiders Owner, Al Davis, passed away. I had no personal relationship with Al Davis, but this man should be an inspiration to everyone. Was Al Davis a good person? Honestly, no, and I don't think that Al Davis would ever consider himself a "good" person, but that doesn't mean he wasn't an amazing person.

Al Davis was a snake, and he'd be the first person to tell you that. He would do anything to win, and that is why he was so successful. This weekend, people were listing his accomplishments of being a coach, commissioner, owner, and a whole lot of other things, but I don't think most people took the time to realize what that actually meant. Al Davis was not a self-made man, he was a self-made icon, and there is zero chance of anybody pulling off what he was able to do in professional football.

He started off in coaching, and quickly worked his way up to head coach of the Raiders. Then he became a general manager, and he became so successful that he worked his way into having an ownership stake in the team. He then tricked one of the other owners into giving him the option to buy them out behind the other owner's back, and eventually strong-armed his way into the controlling owner of the team. The other owner tried to sue him, but it was too late, Al Davis was too smart and diabolical to be stopped from owning the Raiders.

I'm obviously giving a very brief description of what happened, but the above paragraph is absolutely baffling to me. Bill Belichick is probably the most powerful coach in the NFL today, and in your wildest imagination, could you imagine him taking the ownership away from Robert Kraft? There is no god damn way that could EVER happen. But Al Davis seriously pulled that off.

I would have loved to have been friends with Al Davis, but I would have shit my pants had I been his enemy. Al Davis was seen as a punchline late in his life as his personnel moves had not been working like they had been in the past, but he created successful teams in the 70s, 80s, 90s, and early 00s. And it's a shame he passed away when he did, because it looks like the Raiders are back on the road to respectability again.

Steve Jobs passing was seen as a much bigger deal, and that's not surprising at all. Apple is a far bigger brand than the Oakland Raiders, and Steve Jobs had far more money than Al Davis. Steve Jobs went into computers and rose to the top, but Al Davis chose the football business while also reaching the top. But know one thing, had Al Davis chosen the computer business, you would still know the name Al Davis, but you would have no clue who Steve Jobs was. Al Davis was committed to excellence, and he lived his life with one simple motto, "Just win, baby."

Now that's an inspiration.

-Joe

P.S. Mexico may be ahead of the US in progressive ideas towards marriage. A two-year marriage license, cut it down to two months, and I might lose my fear of commitment.

Rebuilding The Cubs

So, over a year ago, I gave my ideas on how to fix the Cubs. You can check that out here, here, here, and here. Sadly, the way I began that piece is still relevant today, so I'll just copy and paste it to save myself time thinking of a clever opener:

The Cubs suck. They're an old, overpaid, boring team, and there's very little to like about the entire organization. They have some unmovable contracts, some tough to move contracts, and a lot of shitty players. Still, I think I could get them back in the race soon. Here is how I would do it.

I figure the Cubs are actively searching for a GM, and I cannot imagine that their search doesn't immediately start in the blogosphere, so here is my application Cubs. I hope you don't mind having more rings than fingers.

1. Hire Hott Joe as General Manager

This is an obvious first step, because without making me general manager, it's going to be tough for me to convince other teams to trade with me. Also, as much as I think Jim Hendry is a great guy, the Cubs GM position needed more Hottness, and I bring an abundance of that.

2. Trade Matt Garza to the New York Yankees for 1B Jesus Montero and OF Slade Heathcott.

Getting a prospect on the level of Jesus Montero is an awesome haul for the Cubs. The guy has huge potential and he's ready to step in and be the Cubs everyday first baseman right away. Sure, the defense may not be pretty at times, but I will gladly take that for a guy with the potential to mash. So why would the Yankees give that up for a guy who may only be a number three starter? Well, the Red Sox and Yankees are both looking for pitching this offseason, and even if they sign C.J. Wilson, they're still going to be looking for more. I will have the Red Sox and Yankees bid against each other to the point that the Yankees will even throw in Slade Heathcott as a bonus for me. Sure Heathcott hasn't shown he can hit, but he's got tools, and my Cubs will be total tool whores when it comes to our farm system.

3. 3-Way Trade
Rays Receive C Geovany Soto and P Chris Carpenter from the Cubs and 1B Yonder Alonso and SS Billy Hamilton from the Reds
Cubs Receive C Yasmani Grandal and OF Yorman Rodriguez from the Reds
Reds Receive P James Shields from the Rays and P Jeff Samardzija from the Cubs

Okay, I'll admit it. I really wanted to find a way to get Yasmani Grandal on the Cubs. At first, I created a simple deal involving Soto from the Cubs and Niemann from the Rays, but then I realized the Rays could just trade Niemann to the Reds for Grandal and cut me out of the deal altogether. Well, fuck you, Andrew Friedman, that shit ain't gonna fly you sneaky son of a bitch (Andrew, if you're reading this, that was all false bravado. Can't wait to work with you in the future, but seriously, don't you dare cut me out of this deal). So why does everybody do this?

Well I do it, because I get a rookie catcher who can come in and start right away and a prospect that is loaded with tools, so, even though he's no Todd Hundley, it's still pretty awesome for me.

The Reds get an anchor for their staff, and Dusty hates young players anyway, so they might as well trade these prospects for people who will actually get playing time. They also get Jeff Samardzija, which not only gives them a good relief arm, but also makes them favorites if the MLB starts a flag football game for All-Star festivities.

The Rays do it, because they have a plethora of starting pitching right now, and they've only got one more year with James Shields before he's a free agent. They get a reliable catcher and Carpenter hit 100 MPH on the gun on Arizona, so that's cool. And they fill a hole at first baseman/DH and get the fastest middle infield prospect in the universe.

Win-Win-Win.

4. Trade P Carlos Marmol to the Marlins for OF Logan Morrison.

The Marlins closer may not be allowed in the country. Ozzie Guillen loves Hispanic players. Carlos Marmol is a HISPANIC CLOSER. This is too good to be true. Jeff Loria is crazy enough to do it too. The Marlins get what they want, and LoMo instantly becomes a fan favorite in Chicago and probably all over the world since he will finally be playing in front of fans. Let the Internet rejoice, I have freed LoMo.

5. Trade Alfonso Soriano to the Red Sox for John Lackey.

Nobody would be crazy enough to trade for Alfonso Soriano, and nobody would be crazy enough to trade for John Lackey. Hence, there are two teams crazy enough to trade with each other. J.D. Drew's contract is up, so they can fill right field with Soriano. Lackey is persona non grata in Boston, so trade him to the Cubs where they love all players (except for Milton Bradley). Plus, with Lackey (allegedly) going through a divorce, maybe he can hit up the Wrigleyville bars and find himself a nice young lady.

6. Let Aramis Ramirez walk in free agency.

Nothing against A-Ram, but I'm not exactly focused on the next couple years when he will have the most value. We're blowing shit up here, so A-Ram can sign with a contender and win himself a World Series ring before we take over the MLB in a few years.

Okay, so I'm going to be completely honest about something. It's a good thing I wrote out my plan before following through with it, because I got to the end of this post and realized I didn't have a third baseman. Whoops. If I'm desperate, I'll give the job to Ryan Flaherty, and if I can get the Mariners to take all of his salary, I'll put Chone Figgins there, because he's scrappy, and 2012 is not a year to focus on good, so being scrappy will make us beloved.

7. Get the band back together.

Oh, you have no idea what that means? It means this. We've got Zambrano, Wood will resign for minimum wage (not major league minimum, Illinois minimum wage; that man loves the Cubs), so it's time to bring the boys back together. Mark Prior gets signed to a minor league deal, personal favorite Juan Cruz gets signed to help out the bullpen, and if Matt Clement still has a right arm, I'll throw him a minor league deal and send him to the Midwest League (yes, I know that's against MWL rules, but just roll with it). This team is not going to be good in 2012, they might as well remind people of 2003, the last Cubs team that was actually likable.

8. Brett Jackson starts the year in the Majors.

And he's playing center field, Marlon Byrd is moving over to right, LoMo in left. That's not a good outfield, but it's an outfield, and we are saving a ton of money with all of my cost-cutting maneuvers.

9. Spend in the draft and the international market like money has never been spent before.

We are going to make Bud Selig's head explode with the money that we are going to spend on amateur players. We are going to walk into a Dominican tent and make it rain on the best 16 year olds money can buy. Any signability concern in the draft will be laughed at as we draft away and meet the demands of greedy little 18 year olds. Hell, I might even hire a Canadian to go into Cuba and smuggle me some ballplayers. I probably shouldn't write that for legal purposes, but I'll just say it was a very convenient coincidence.

10. Sign Tom Gorzelanny and Rich Harden.

I love both these guys. Gorzelanny gives us a lefty for the rotation that will give us quality innings, yet nobody gives the guy any love. Rich Harden is immediately sent to the bullpen to become the greatest closer ever. I am honestly not sure if he'll ever give up a run.

Um, so what the hell does this all mean?

Even with my outrageous spending on amateur talent, I have saved a ton of money. But that's not what Cubs fans are interested in; they want to know what the product on the field looks like. With that being said, here is our lineup and starting rotation:

Batting Order:
1. RF - Marlon Byrd
2. LF - Logan Morrison
3. SS - Starlin Castro
4. 1B - Jesus Montero
5. CF - Brett Jackson
6. C - Yasmani Grandal
7. 3B - Ryan Flaherty/Chone Figgins
8. 2B - Darwin Barney
9. SP

Pitching Rotation:
1. Ryan Dempster
2. Randy Wells
3. Tom Gorzelanny
4. John Lackey
5. Carlos Zambrano

Is this a good team? Well, if everything breaks right...no, the answer is no, it's not a good team. In fact, it's quite a bad team, but this is a necessity. And it's a young team that people can get behind. They've got veteran pitching and a very young lineup. They're good for about 70 wins, which this year's team did and spent way more money than I am going to spend, but the building blocks are there for the future.

Also, I'm keeping Mike Quade as manager, and here's why: Most likely, this Cubs team has no chance of competing until 2014. I know Cubs fans aren't going to like that, so after two years of failure, I'll bring in Ryne Sandberg as manager for positive PR, and to ensure that I have three more years as GM. When the team explodes in 2014 or 2015, we'll both look like geniuses, and I will have my choice of the thoroughbred dimepieces of Chicago. Bravo me.

-Joe

P.S. Speaking of Cubs, I'm still rooting for Adam Greenberg and you should be too.

Women Law Violation

So my buddy pointed me in the direction of the hashtag Women Law Violation on Twitter like a month ago. I found some amusing tweets, copied them, but couldn't think of anything entertaining at the time to say about the tweets, so they've just been sitting there, ready to be blogged. Well, today is the day that this blog becomes a reality. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you #WomenLawViolation.

drzarbaugh Dean R. Zarbaugh II 
Leaving the kitchen. #womenlawviolation

This is one I used to agree with, but now I vehemently disagree. Have I learned to become a feminist as I have matured? Oh, God no. But I would like to be a kept man, so I need my lady to be out there making that scrilla. Let's face it: I'm far too pretty to work.

inPHamICE Mr. Marcus 

wearing animal print clothes and youre bigger than the animal youre wearing #womenlawviolation

Oh, snap. Mr. Marcus is putting it down on large ladies wearing animal print. About a thousand people wrote this same thing, but I have to disagree again. In fact, if my financials were in order, I might hire a large lady in animal print to stand outside my house so I no longer had to worry about cougar attacks (the animals and the ladies).

stillaCOLEworld you follow, I lead. 

#womenlawviolation refusing to go down, but expecting to receive it.

Wait a sec...guys can do that to girls? Who knew? Must be something desperate guys do.

TheArabPrincess Your Royal Highness 

#WOMENLAWVIOLATION walking around the club barefoot

It may be a women law violation, but it could lead to hilarious results when used in West Coast Dance. Wait a second, this is actually still a very bad idea. My buddies like to break glass more than they like breaking serve. If you see West Coast Dancers at the club, please, keep your shoes on, or you might get lockjaw.

tripstah chris joyner 

@RickeySmiley Not greasing up under the titties #WOMENLAWVIOLATION

I don't even know what this one means, but I promise to never take a girl home until she can assure me that she is greased up under the titties.

bossy_chelle Marchelle Love

#womenlawviolation wearing colored draws with white pants

This is why I don't wear white pants, because I only own exotic underwear. Ladies, if you ever see me in white pants, you may want to throw water on me, because your eyes will get the thrill of a lifetime.

BobbyJComedy Bobby J. 
#WomenLawViolation Telling a Man you got that Wet-Wet but need KY Jelly to get you a jump start!

If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me that she got that wet-wet, I would have zero dollars as I have never heard that phrase before Bobby J's edgy comedy brought it to my attention. It is something that I am going to start asking girls anytime I dance with them at the clubs. I know my dance moves are quite amazing, so I'll be shocked if they don't got that wet-wet, hopefully to the point where they won't even need that KY-Jelly to give them a jumpstart.

-Joe

P.S. Zack Ryder has still got the spot, but Dolph Ziggler is making a hard charge to be the most entertaining wrestler in the WWE. I recommend everyone reads this interview, especially question five where he lets the world know that he's a Natural Light drinker. Natty is like the nWo...it's taking over.

Me And You Can't Date

There is nothing I love more than the people of Twitter. They are so amazingly stupid that they never cease to bring a smile to my face. A brilliant hashtag happened on Twitter last night. It was titled #MeAndYouCantDate. It is brilliant not only in its horrible assault on the English language, but also because it was an absolute goldmine for material.

MogulTweetz Charles Wolford III 

If at any point I feel myself giving you the position in my life that belongs to God. #MeAndYouCantDate #NoFalseIdols

This one made me laugh way too hard, because Charles Wolford III is being serious. He is literally setting his sights on a girl that he only likes a little bit. If he loves her, she might take God's spot, and if he thinks a girl is really amazing, he's going to have to give her the boot. This is one of those religious freaks that doesn't love Jesus, he's IN love with Jesus. Remember Charles, no false idols, and no, Jesus does not reside in your right hand.

JussArniie Arniie` 

#MeAndYouCantDate If I dress better then you, I`m just saying

I put this one in as a brain teaser, because Amile refuses to date people who dress worse than her, but what if everyone had this rule? Nobody could date anyone. If you dressed better than a person, you wouldn't date them, but if you found someone who dressed better than you, they'd never date you. I'm just saying.

Prettyboyynonso Nonso Emmanuel 

#MeAndYouCantDate if i heard you had STDS ...because most likely rumors are true!!

What is STDS? Is it like PTSD? because if so, that's kind of fucked up, Nonso Emmanuel. I mean, yeah, I might have trouble dating a girl who dove under the table anytime she heard a firecracker. I certainly wouldn't eliminate them from contention altogether. I'd hate to miss out on a thoroughbred dimepiece just because she doesn't want to get shot. Honestly, I don't want to get shot either. I am curious what he means about the rumors though. Are people with PTSD terrible in bed, or are they freaky as shit? I'll assume they get freak nasty. And now, instead of being scared, I'm actually going to start exclusively pursuing thoroughbred dimepieces with PTSD or as he likes to call it STDS. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

itslovatoswag p i c k l e ! 

#MeAndYouCantDate because you're not Demi Lovato and she's the one for me. <3

These are the type of people that terrify me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes, but I am not eliminating all other women from my life for them. I am an incredibly arrogant person, so it's not at all that I think my celebrity crushes are out of my league. I am fully convinced that if I ran into Trish Stratus, Jessica Alba, or Brittany Snow, I could bed them. There's no doubt in my mind. Why wouldn't they want to have sex with me? But even after I make vigorous love on them, there probably won't be enough common interests to facilitate a relationship. This guy is swearing off all women so he can get with Demi Lovato. That's creepy as shit and horribly pathetic. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't the first celebrity he has stalked, unless his real name actually is "Pickle!", but I'm guessing it's not.

beckyYDG silly wanker. ⚓ 

#meandyoucantdate if you like blood on the dance floor.

Wait, what? I don't know what this means, but my mind is working at warp speed trying to figure out a way to get blood on the dance floor to maximize the fierceness of my West Coast Dance moves. If anybody likes blood on the dance floor, let me know. I'm curious how you work that into your moves. This could be the greatest contribution to dance moves since glo-vests.

Philip_W_Thomas Philip W Thomas 

#MeAndYouCantDate If YOU open your legs and tuna fish comes out

Philip, this is your 40 year old virgin moment. You basically just said that her boob felt like a bag of sand. I'm 110% sure that you have never been with a woman. When people talk about tuna fish and a woman's vagina, it doesn't mean that there are actually tuna swimming up in the woman's vagina, it's just a similar smell for some women. You can open up every girl's legs on the planet, and you really don't need to worry about tuna coming to attack your face.

Without the fear of Charlie the Tuna coming to attack you, I'm sure that you'll be reeling the ladies in.

-Joe

P.S. This is a little late, but Braves Acceptance guy makes me laugh every time I look at him.